Friday, 31 December 2010

A New Year, A New Start.

Thought with this being the last day of the year I would write about this year gone by the low lights and the highlights. If I start off with the low and that will mean I end on a positive note...see I am trying out this whole new being positive thing.

Low Lights -

The nasty break up with Gom - Obs I have written about this loads and it has affected me massively, but I will try and put a positive spin on it and although doesn't feel like it now I know one day I will fall in love with someone else and get over him.

Moving back in with the parents - although it hasn't been anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be I would still rather have my own space. I want to be able to drink when I want, self harm when I want, do what I want and not be tied down.

Being in hospital with an unknown illness for 2 weeks - Nothing that was due to self harm, just incredibly ill with D+V. On the plus side...a great diet! I mean a stone and a half in 10days great kind of diet!

Sinking in to depression and self harm again - If you have read my other posts you will see that I got bad again. To put a positive spin on moving back in with parents, I do actually think had I been living on my own I would have tried killing myself and would have self harmed a lot more than I did. I have not cut deeply since November. I have self harmed but not requiring hospital treatment. The pills the psych has me on, I think are possibly doing some good. I don't feel so bad all the time and I have days that are good days. This is not to say that there are not days where I don't want to get out of bed or feel like crying all day, just that those days are not as often. I seem to have more control over it. Which of course is good news. But, I know I am close, I know push me too much and I will be back over on to the other side. Too much has gone off for me to not be so fragile. I do feel quite guilty saying this. I know there are people out there who have dealt with much worse things than me and it seems as though people should be saying to me "get a grip girl"! I do still want to self harm so much. I am going to try not to though!

I think that is it for low points...I suppose they are pretty big things that have lasted more than one day and are ongoing but it's not that bad really.

Highlights -

Landing in Bangkok on my own - such a sense of freedom going travelling for 3 months. No ties and just the immense feeling of freedom (ok, 2 days later I fell off a motorbike and smashed my knee up pretty badly and got infected which they think it was that making me ill 3 months later but it was worth it!)!

Songkran - Thai New Year. I am not really a fan of new year over here. But in Thailand it happens in April and is basically a 3 day waterfight. Amazing. So much fun. Was dancing on KSR in Bangkok with a water gun firing ice cold water at people. Everyone was in a great mood and even the riots that killed people were stopped for Songkran.

Maya Bay - The Beach. If you have seen the film The Beach, well this was where it was set. To get to it it was a proper expedition. First had to swim about 50metres over rocks and where the waves were hitting the caves and sucking underneath. Then had to climb over the rocks by this rickerty ladder and then down the other side. We then had to walk through jungle before coming out the other side on to The Beach. It was stunning. No beaches I have ever seen have come anywhere near close. I've seen lots of beaches in nice places such as Thailand (ok this is in Thailand but in other areas of Thailand), Goa and everywhere. It was amazing. We were quite lucky also as there were not many other people around even though it's a massive tourist hot spot.

Ko Phi Phi - Lovely island, a little touristy but great vibe to it. Got a drunken tattoo here and had a one night stand with a latin american guy. They do not live up to their reputation as being great lovers! In fact he was pretty crap!

Hugging real life tigers! - They were not drugged just tame. It was amazing. Such powerful animals and also my favourite animal. The experience rated up there with a sky dive I did a few years ago.

Vang Vieng, Laos - Very tourist orientated but lovely place. Where else can you have so much fun. It's an adults adventure playground.

Cambodia - I went to Cambodia about 6 years ago and loved it. I loved everything about it. So I wanted to spend some more time there. I loved it again. I would say it's my favourite country in Asia. I love how resilient it is and how it has recovered after the Khmer Rouge. I love the people, they are so friendly. I love everything about it.

Starting Uni - I came out of my first degree in Psychology not really knowing where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. It took a year of working in a Psychiatric unit for me to decide I wanted to be a social worker. To be honest, when I made the application it was based on the hours. I hated working nights and so did not want to be a nurse. So I chose the Social Work route. However, since actually making the application I have looked in to it more and have decided I would be much better suited to this career. I can't wait to get started in it properly.

Becoming and Aunty for the 2nd time - My second nephew was born just before xmas. He is lovely and looks exactly like his brother. I haven't mentioned his brother in here so far as he was born in 2009 and this is 2010. But I am so lucky that I am able to spend time with my nephews and have them in my life as they are amazing.

So, what do I want from 2011.
- To have a more positive outlook
- To carry on with counselling etc to try and help me with the self harm etc
- To become more healthy. I need to lose some weight and start doing exercise.

I'll just say 3 things as I am not very good when have big lists.

Any way - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Wednesday, 29 December 2010

First of the Weird Ones

I had to share this...

I have joined which is a dating site. I was on it before and went on a couple of dates which I wrote about in "how to lose a guy in one date". The first two on there are ones that I met on POF. Anyway, a couple of my friends met guys there are now in long term relationships with so I thought why not, I can't afford so lets give this ago.

This guy emailed me and so I looked at his profile. On there it said he had written a book which had been published. So I look it up on and below is copied about what is said about the author...

"A. Sole was born on a cold winter's night. The Moon burned blood red in the sky. Crucifixes melted on their stands and around peoples necks. All around Berlin, choirs of jealous Angels screamed in horror at what was taking place that night ha ha ha ha!!! He was born for one purpose to write, to compose. He has left no stone unturned and left no curse unspoken. He has wandered this dark and debris scattered island for many years now; thirty one to be exact. He has been sectioned many many times for the madness of the voices will not let him go. He has been to and left university shouting teacher, leave them kids alone! He has seen things you people wouldn't believe; ghosts and the spirits of wolves. He loves in his dark, dark ways, cheese toasties with ham on them ooooh! He believes the Holy Spirit is Jack Daniels and the risen sun is there awaiting him in the morning and he believes that he is god, but then aren't we all"

Did he get a reply...I'll leave that for you to decide!

Tuesday, 28 December 2010


I have decided I am going to take matters in to my own hands. I was moaning last night about being miserable and down about Gom etc. Well perhaps now it's now time to move on. Or at least have some fun trying. I have gone back to online dating. Back to the world wide web. If I don't meet anyone at least I will have some funny stories trying.

I wrote last night in my height of upsettness that next year I hope to look back on this year and what I have wrote and laugh. After another night of waking up crying in the middle of the night I need to do something about it really. I can't put it off forever. I know I am going to have to talk about the self harm with someone eventually so I need to keep myself busy now. You never know I may meet someone I really like on there. So. For now. I am going to try (I said try it may not work) and be more positive. Look at things in a different way. Stop kidding myself about things and just move on. If it works it works if not well I will have had fun trying...well trying and then writing about it!

Monday, 27 December 2010


Another reason I hate Xmas. Found out Gom is now living with his new GF. I know I shouldn't be with him and I can't be with him as of what he does to me, but that. Well that is a kick in the teeth. It's like we never existed. Like the 9 years we were together never happened. Like we have been forgotten about and I wasted my time. Like he got away with how he treated me and what he did to me. I don't know if I have mentioned before but there were a couple of times that he hit me. He was always verbally abusing me, calling me names etc. I know deep down I shouldn't be with him. But why should be be happy. I have it from two different sources that she is boring etc but even if I have heard that I still can't bring myself to feel bad things about her. I have never met her. I can;t help thinking she is a really nice person and normal and that just makes me feel worse. Makes me hate myself even more. I think that is another reason I put up with him for so long. Always holding on to it because I was scared that I would never meet anyone else. I still am scared. I also feel so angry and upset. I can't differentiate between the two emotions. I feel like just staying in my room and crying for the next few hours. I have not actually cried this much even when we actually broke up. So why now nearly a whole year later!

You can see by previous posts that I talk about my scars on my legs. How do I explain that one to people. It makes me feel as though I don't deserve anyone else.

I am caught in a viscous circle at the moment. The more I hate myself the more I want to self harm and then when I self harm the more I hate myself as I feel pathetic. I look at how messed up my legs are and know I will never be normal. I am always going to have people stare at my legs when I am in a bathing suit. There is no way of covering it. Even talking about it makes me want to do it so badly. Think I will be taking my last lorazepam tonight.

A few years ago I was travelling around Asia and Australia and I used to dream most nights while I was there that I was at home. I would wake up so relieved that I was still there and it was all a dream. When I returned I had dreams that I was still there and would wake up sad that I wasn't there.

Now when I dream I often wake up crying. I often wake up relieved also as I have dreamt we are back together and in the dream I know we shouldn't be as I don't want to tell my friends and family as they have given me quite a lot of support since we broke up and I dream that they will have a go at me and be do disappointed when I got back with him. I know that is how they feel. So what does that mean? Nearly every night I dream about him. Most people think I am over him and by rights I should be it's nearly a year. I have appeared to have done ok without him. I have only let people see my cry once and I have kept a lid on my emotions and I have not gone to pieces around people. I have been travelling on my own. I have started uni again. I have been ok. To other people that is. On the inside, privately I am dying. I mean, look at the self harm. That got really bad and only reason why I have not done it so badly requiring hospital treatment is cos my parents found out about it. I can't be left alone. I am constantly being checked on. So I have settled for less brutal methods like pulling my hair and blood letting. I am aching so much to do it badly. It's a burning need. A recent post I said the feeling is like holding your breath for a while and needing to breathe. Well that breathing is the self harm. It's a need. I am having massive problems controlling it.

For now though I will have to settle for electric blanket and tv in bed. I know next year will be another shit xmas. I can't really go away when it is my nephews birthday at xmas and I don't have the money to. I may be with someone else by then, be in love, I could be anywhere. I may look back on this and laugh at my self for getting so upset over that Loser and realise life with him wasn't all it was meant to be and I was treated like crap and I have done so much better. For now though all I can think about is dying....and my next cigarette!

Saturday, 25 December 2010


Well I have made it to 23.51 on the 25/12/2010 and I have managed not to become a blubbering wreck. I was dreading today. I really was. I don't like Xmas at the best of times. Yet this year I am sans boyfriend. I even got through my older aunty asking me..."have you got a new boyfriend yet"? She was quite shocked when I said "actually I don't want one". Then that leads me on to the question, do I want one? Well truthfully. Yes. Yes I do. I actually want Gom back. Stupid as it sounds and I know it would be stupid to have him back even if he did as I think my family would actually disown me. But I miss him so much. I have dreams about him nearly every night. Maybe, it's the being in a relationship I miss. But I miss him too. He was my best friend. I loved him. I love him! I hate him at the same time. At the same time I think it is being close to another man I miss. Yet then I wont even try and become close to another one. I am covered in scars and I really don't want to have to explain that to someone. There is kind of a guy at the moment. I actually quite like him but then I feel I just can't be bothered to put the effort in to a new relationship. I know I am going to have to explain the scars. Modern relationships are usually 3-6 dates then you sleep with someone. So how do you explain my scars. You can't. So do I make a guy wait until I feel ok to tell him what they are?

23.59... I am crying. I knew I wouldn't last the day.

I hate Xmas. Please cancel it next year!

Monday, 20 December 2010

Breathe In....

And hold your breath for about 50 seconds... and that is what it feels like when you are a self harmer!

A Mixture of Events!

I have been up to quite a lot since I last wrote on here. I have kept putting off writing as I know there is quite a lot I have wanted to talk about.

First off, I have been diagnosed as having polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Bit of a pain but at least we know what is causing my gynecological problems now. It's a bit worrying in a way as may struggle on conceive naturally and I am bloody broody and will want to be having kids at the first practical opportunity. So I am sort of worried about that. It was quite an embarrassing appointment also. My gynecologist was a male. When you are having something done it's really quite an invasion of your privacy and when it's a male it's even worse. I know a couple of years ago I had a massage and it was a full body one. I thought at the time I would have rather have had a male gyne as that was rather undignified, however, this was not the case. It was a horrible appointment. I had a coil fitted and it hurt so much and I nearly passed out as of the pain which made me breathe funny. They kept me there a while after as they were worried I was going to hit the deck. It was a horrible experience and made even worse that it was for nothing as the coil expelled the next day! However, it has been good to find some answers and I have been told the PCOS could account for the depression, being overweight and a few other things. Hopefully the medication I am on for it will help. I know so far it has suppressed my appetite so I am quite happy about that.

I think things are getting better for me with my moods also. I have not wanted to self harm as much. I have a couple of times over the last couple of weeks but not seriously. Just a bit of blood letting. So I am thinking that the new meds are working. I was given meds for the PCOS and the meds are for diabetics. Before one of my methods that I thought I could end it all with would be sending me blood sugar low and having a hypo. So when I was given these pills I had an idea, it was like being given it handed on a plate. However, I have not acted on it. I have taken them in the way they should be and I have not really wanted to take them like that. So I am taking that as an improvement.

I have finished uni for xmas now. Had my exam so that is out the way now. I hope I have passed it. I made the mistake of looking at a couple of the answers after and seeing that I wrote the wrong law to the answer. So hopefully I have only gone wrong in a couple of places. It's good how much of it has sunk in though. I was discussing something with my friends yesterday about social care and I was able to quote them the law etc.

Last week I found out my Gran had been taken ill and taken in to hospital. At first there was loads of chinese whispers about what was wrong with her and that it didn't look hopeful. I am not the closest person to my Gran and I have not seen her in about 3 years. It's not that she lives miles away but there are a couple of reasons. The first being is that she has dementia so she doesn't know who I am and I don't want to upset her by being there. Also the other reason is that I don't actually like her that much. She was a terrible parent to my Dad and his family and they were treated like crap by her. I struggle to forgive her for this as you can see how it has affected my Dad.

Anyway though. I was worried about her. But for selfish reasons. I know it sounds really awful. A close grandparent of mine died just before xmas a few years ago. Since then the run up to xmas has always been a sad time really. However, once the anniversary of the death has gone things return to normality. As I have said before, if I haven't I am now, my Dad has undiagnosed psychiatric problems. I think so any way. He has never been seen for them and he probably isn't even aware that he has them. But when he is down or depressed it manifests its self as one mood. And, that in angry, take it out on everyone else, be in a mood type mood. It's horrible being around him. He gets like this about 2 weeks before the anniversary of his Dad's death and about 2 weeks after. So I was being really selfish about this, thinking I can not cope with every year him being like that. It was awful when my other grandparent died. We were really close and I still miss them like mad.

My gran is approaching 90. She has had dementia for the past 15 or so years and got worse when her husband died. She has been in a care home for about 10 years now. She doesn't really know what's going on anymore etc. I have said I don't mind smoking so much now as I would rather die at 70 having had a full life than live in to my late 80's but not know what is going on around me. I am planning on giving up smoking. When I decide I want to try for kids that is when I will stop. I don't want my kids to grow up and me smoking around them.

I have had another appointment with the organisation I was put in touch with also. It surprises me how anxious and emotionally that the appointments affect me. I have had counselling before but this sends me in to a near panic attack. I didn't realise talking about the self harm openly with someone and also talking about my feelings and emotions would have such an effect on me. The person I see she can see how I am feeling as I can't hide it. She is a MH nurse and picks up on my body language etc. She's really good and she wont push me unless I want her to. She wants to not discuss things as they are making me so worked up but I have said I can't keep sweeping it under the carpet and I would rather jump in at the deep end and get on with it. I just hope I don't drown.

I feel as though I am outgrowing my friends. I went away this weekend with them for one of their birthdays. I can't say I enjoyed it that much. They like chavy places which I can't stand. I don't want to go in to a bar and be squeezed in and not be able to move or hear anyone. I can not stand Whetherspoons places as brings out the worst people. They call the places I would like to go to pretentious as they think that people are trying to be something they are not. Well what if people like those places and are not pretending to be like that etc. I don't think I am better than everyone but I will look down my nose at people who are making a fool of themselves or are swearing, falling over the place drunk etc. it's just not nice behaviour to see. If that makes me pretentious then let it. I just can't see what's wrong with a bit of class. These girls are happy going to Magaluf every year on holiday. Want to go on weekends away to Blackpool and Skegness. They don't really have any class. They want to go in to Sports Bars while away as that's where the English men are. Not the men I want to meet though. I had an argument with one of them while we were on holiday saying what is the point in coming all this way on holiday and going to awful bars like you can go to in the home city??? She said all the men were in there. I said not the kind of men I want to meet! OK, maybe I am stuck up slightly but I have standards. I don't like chavs, and if I go out I want to enjoy myself, not be rammed in to a cattle market. I went out a couple of weeks ago with one of my old school friends. She is like me...but worse. When we went out we had a great time though as went to nice bars. I didn't feel the need to get so trollied to deal with it either. I am getting old...I like bars where you can sit and talk. I like going to clubs etc...but the club needs to play decent music and not be full of chavs.

I am not sleeping properly recently. I have been awake since 4.30am today. I was asleep by 10 last night as the past 2 nights I hadn't slept very well. I am going to be knackered by the end of the day. I hope I can get myself in to a proper routine again soon as I am going to be ill over xmas if it carries on. I am already ill as it is with a cold and cough but it wont go away if I can't get enough sleep. I tried to get back to sleep this morning but after an hour or so I gave up and decided I would get up. Wouldn't mind so much usually but I have to be at work in a couple of hours. Got a couple of training days...what joy!

Tuesday, 7 December 2010

Attention Seeking!

Dave says he is going to kill himself. Every night he writes how he can't handle life and there is no other way out. Dave has children, and a wife but it seems as though they don't feel or understand his pain. Every night for the past week Dave has said he has had enough and he has taken an overdose of something. Does Dave not know that is not the way out? Sorry, I know it sounds heartless but to me this is just Dave's way of getting attention. He goes on and on about how much he wants out yet uses methods that will not work. I don't know Dave that well. I know he is hurting and there are obviously issues. The way he writes screams personality disorder. The neediness, the constant wanting.

I know, me of all people should be supportive. However, there is only so many times you can say to people get help, what you are feeling is wrong. But this person doesn't listen, he doesn't do anything other than say I'm going to kill my self I've had enough. If someone is that serious then just do it! Don't keep writing about it and grasping out for the attention. I find it quite annoying how people pander to it. These people do not make it any better. It reassures the person if they behave in that way then if they do the same again they will get the same response. I've done it. I've been there and taken overdoses and have written about it while doing it. Have waited for peoples replies to my thread.

I know I sound heartless. It probably is. I have been on the other side where I have felt so suicidal I have done things to try and kill myself. Mainly overdoses. I know now that that is not the way to do it. It will just make you sick and is painful and drawn out. Someone will usually figure out what is wrong with you before anything happens and you will get treatment. I read a lot of blogs; mainly medical ones. I have a fascination with medicine. There was one blog that really caught my eye it was medic999 I follow him so check him out. He wrote about a nurse from down south who od'd on paracetamol, went to a hotel and waited a couple of days. She went to a hotel outside her area as she knew that if she was in her area her collegues would be the ones who had to try and save her, and more than likely fail. She was in for a long and painful death. She was probably past the stage where you could get a liver transplant. That's another question that I am unsure of. If someone tries to kill themselves by way of overdose and the only way to save them is a liver transplant...should they get one? I mean. there are people on the waiting list for transplants that need them, they through no fault of their own need that transplant so they don't die. Yet someone can jump infront of them in the queue who tried to kill themselves. They don't value their life and they are taking the chance of life away from someone who really wants it. I know the person who took the overdose would have to consent to surgery and if they wanted to die then they would not consent. But still. It's weird for me to take this stance. I mean, I self harm, I have taken overdoses. I have been and still am quite suicidal.

I have even gone as far as telling a friend to take an overdose. But wait, before you judge let me explain why and the situation. My friend is a neurotic, needy person. She was with this guy for a couple of years. She was always coming to me with some problem or the other and to be honest she was treating him like shit! She would not let him be his own person and wanted to mould him in to what she wanted. She was really awful to him and I felt sorry for him. On numerous occasions I had said to her you are being out of order and if you don't do something about it you will lose him! But she didn't listen. So he finally broke up with her. I actually felt like congratulating him for standing on his own two feet for a change and freeing his balls from her vice like grasp.

Anyway, the break up hit her hard. I was there for her as you do as a friend. Went round, made her tea, listened to her, spoke to her in the middle of the night when we was upset and never said anything bad. But then it started getting that she was relying on me far too much, that I couldn't live my own life. She got to the stage where she was going on about it all the time and it was wearing me down. I tried to take a back seat by not answering her calls but she would call on the home number and my parents would answer etc. In the end she was going on and on about how she didn't feel life was worth living. I said to her don't be stupid. You are starting at uni in September, you have got a lot going on for you. And, if I can get through a 9 year break up (on the surface to other people I look as though I am coping) then you can.

She then was saying how she couldn't live without him and she was considering taking her medication for night terrors. I could tell by the way she was saying it there was no seriousness in it. I asked her how many pills she had and she said about 10. So I told her to take them! It shocked her in to seriously thinking about things and the way she was. I knew that they would not do any harm other than make her sleep for a bit. And, I thought she needed a mental health assessment so I thought it would be a good way of making sure she got one! I knew the pills wouldn't do her any harm, but she didn't. Also, in her telling me I thought that if she really wanted to die she wouldn't say she was going to as I had keys to her house and I would have gone round there and I would have got help etc. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I put too much of my own feelings in to it thinking how I am when I have been suicidal or wanting to self harm etc. I don't tell anyone! But my method worked anyway. It made her sit back and look at things.

My other friends thought it was quite ammusing anyway!

So, what I suppose I am talking about her, is how can I take this view point when I myself have been one of the "oh another self harmer" and "oh, you again". I suppose when I am self harming I don't think about the long term or even the immediate future of having to go to A+E to get stitched up. I think about how good it feels to be making the cut. Nothing else matters at the time. I even got corrected by a counsellor I went to see last week. I was talking about self harm and I said I have worked with self harmers and I am a self harmer. She said "no, you have worked with people who self harm and you are a person who self harms". You can expect to find the labelling and negative stereotyping from people who don't do it, but when you do it your self, what's that all about?

If you look at the list of blogs that I follow you can see I have a bit of a fascination with medicine and hospitals. My friend even said to me not long ago that I was weird as I like hospitals. I wouldn't go that far. But growing up I wanted to be a doctor. Then reality hit and I realised you actually needed to put more than average effort in and get more than average grades to study medicine. I gave up my dream at about 14 when I realised I was Miss Average! I think also I am scared of failure and never like to give things all my effort incase I still get average grades. I know they are grossly inaccurate but I love and always have loved programmes such as Casualty, Holby City, ER and so on. I know the facts are not right on them and not even being medically trained I get annoyed when the defib pads aren't in the right place, CPR is not being carried out deep enough, that they defib when it's not a shockable rhythm, and when they leave bra's etc on when doing defibs. But I love the programmes still. I also watch the more real life ones like helicopter hero's, the real A+E. My parents take the piss as I only seem to watch medical based TV.

I think maybe I have chosen the wrong career. I know doing the Social Worker training in a few years I will not be able to afford to go back to the bottom rung of the ladder and taking a massive pay cut. Don't get me wrong, I do think I will be a good SW. I never let my opinions of someone show, I listen to people, I don't let other peoples views of someone cloud my own judgement. I will make my own judgement. I think I am quite a good judge of character also.

I know that TV glamifies positions like Doctors, paramedics and nurses. In reading these peoples blogs they talk about a nice job or a good job being one that involves trauma, not picking people up off the floor who have had a few too many. I know that if I was one I would spend most of my day dealing with drunk people etc, but it doesn't stop me having a slight niggling feeling that I maybe should have re-done a couple of A-Levels and gone in to medicine!

Oh and if anyone does read this and has got this far can you leave me a comment to let me know what you think of my viewpoint. It would be interesting to see if other people share the same views as me...or if I am mad!

Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Why Being an Adult Sucks, Being Ill and Other Ramblings!!!!

This weekend I have been quite ill. Thursday on my way home from uni I started to feel a little sick. I didn't think anything of it as sometimes feel sick when I am tired. So I get home and I get worse and worse and worse. At about 7pm I get the squits. Nice. Every 10mins I am having to make a run for the loo. By 10.30pm I must have been about 10 times and I am feeling very very sick. So I am sat on the loo when woooosh....projectile vomited in to a plastic bag. The thing is the bag had holes so cue suck coming out all over the bathroom floor. Now I can't deal with sick even my own. The sight or sound of someone else being sick makes me want to be sick myself...having a friend who is very sickly and is sick at everything is not fun!

Now if I was a kid I would have had my mum there rubbing my back telling me all would be well and that I wasn't dying....I hate being sick. I am never sick. I often feel sick but I actually can't remember the last time I was sick when sober, that wasn't related to a hangover or that wasn't related to me being silly and taking overdoses (actually I can it was in July when I was in hospital with an infection I got from my travels in Asia..but I can't remember the time before this). So it came as a bit of a shock to me really. Now if I was a kid I would have been able to go and get in to bed and go to sleep, or have someone call the Doctor as they were worried about me. But no, I had to clean it up. Nice! So I was ill all day Friday also which if I was a kid it would have been a day off school. But as I am older I have other responsibilities so I was trying to sort out things and get things covered that needed to be covered at the same time as running to the loo every 10 minutes. Saturday I am completely better. Until Sunday evening. I contemplated going out Saturday night as I did feel fine but better judgement said no, you shouldn't as it may set off the bug again so I was sensible and stayed in. Also, I had to cancel some stuff with my uni group on Friday and let them down and it was with some of them that I was supposed to have been going out with. I didn't think it would look that good if one day I am too ill to get out of bed and then the next I am out drinking and dancing.

Sunday evening, the sickness comes back. Why I don't know. After a few hours of feeling really sick and sitting with a bucket under my chin while watching a film I was eventually sick. This time though I didn't have to clean it up at least as I was much better prepared. Being ill sucks. Being an adult and being ill sucks even more as you don't get any sympathy.

Another reason why being an adult sucks is snow! As a kid if it snowed you got the day off school (if it was bad enough) and you didn't have to worry about anything. Now I have to spend ages de-icing my car. I don't mind driving in snow, infact I quite like it. I would say that I am careful, I don't slam brakes on and I keep in a low gear. But there are others on the road who hate it and panic and cause accidents. I am worrying that this week there will be too much snow for people from different areas to get in to uni. I have two presentations coming up and some people are coming from about 70miles away. If the weather is bad then they wont be able to make it in. I have no excuse as I can walk to uni in about 20minutes if I walk fast. I walk in every day so I can't use snow as an excuse. What is it with this country? All we have to have is a small snow shower and the country grinds to a hault. It's minus 7-10c at the worst, get over it!!! People start panic buying, and then people moan about it. Come on. It's not exactly arctic conditions is it? How do you think people in places such as Canada, America, Russia etc etc etc cope year in year out with feet of snow, not just the few meagre inches we get? While I am on the subject of snow; while it looks pretty I get so sick of it after a while. I hate being cold. I hate getting wet feet and me being as accident prone as I am know it's only a matter of time before I fall over making a fool of myself. This year alone I have had 2 trips to A+E as of accidents...not through self harm. I should have probably gone last week also when I sliced my finger open on a knife but being as though I have been so much recently through self harm there was no way I was going to go. Oh and I wasn't going to use the knofe to self harm...I was cutting a cake! My friends all take the piss out of me as I am so accident prone. I have been known to fall over (when sober) when standing in the same place.

So if I don't blog for a while it's probably because I have broken my arm while trying to negotiate the snow and ice while walking!!!!

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Bahhhh Humbug!

I'm just not looking forward to Xmas this year. What do I have to look forward to. Actually I was the same last year. Xmas just no longer does it for me. Last year I had a boyfriend though, someone Else's family I could escape to. You see my family like to drink. Not just a couple but far too much that results in arguments and broken things. For the past few years I have been able to escape it all. I used to stay with his parents Xmas eve, wake up with them and do presents and then leave him with his family all day and then I would come back to mine. Do presents and dinner and then go back to his house in the evening. Perfect.

I like a drink too but not so much that I can't play games etc. Xmas should be about playing board games etc. Not drinking so much that arguments start and falling asleep.

I said last year to my boyfriend at the time that we should go on holiday over Xmas as I really didn't enjoy it last year. It's all too much. It's noisy and just annoying. The run up to Xmas gets me also. The shops get stupidly busy, people get annoying etc etc etc. Then there is people who put their decorations up really early...why??? As I drive around and from what I have seen by some of my friends on facebook people already have their decorations up. If it were up to me I wouldn't bother this year, I didn't last year either. But I live with my parents and my mum will want a tree etc. I can't see the point. I wouldn't actually be bothered if Xmas was cancelled this year. This year it will be even more pathetic. There will only be 4 of us for dinner! Some dinner that will be. I have said to my Mum that she shouldn't bother going to the effort of doing a dinner and we should go out somewhere. But then there's the issue with my Dad and he wont want to do that and we must all keep him happy.

I have my second nephew due just before Xmas and that's great. I am looking forward to meeting him. But because of the timing that newbie my brother and his partner want a quiet one with just her family and them. I don't blame them. For the past 4 years she has had to put up with my mad family. She's going to be knackered so why should she have to put up with the moodiness etc. We went to their house last year and it was lovely. But this year it's just my parents and me and my other brother. Who hasn't properly spoken to my Dad since a family holiday in August which went tits up. So you can see the fun I am bound to have there. I am considering actually getting a shift and working Xmas!!!! But then that would just leave the 3 of them.

I think if it wasn't for the fact that newbie will be making his arrival shortly I would have badgered someone in to going away somewhere hot. I would spend Xmas day by a pool/in the pool reading. The fact that I don't have a boyfriend doesn't help things either. Is it bad though that it's not him I will miss this year it's the idea of him and having somewhere else to escape to. Who am I kidding? Of course I miss him. I think about him most of the time even though I have not actually seen him in nearly 8 months! He is with someone else now and has been with her since April time so it must be love. We were not good for each other and I do want him to be happy...just not this soon. But I keep having images of his new girlfriend sitting around playing board games with his family in my spot. Her there Xmas morning opening presents with them all, going to the panto with them. I want to hate her. I don't like her I know that. Well I don't as I have never met this girl. She could be lovely for all I know...I have heard on the grapevine she is quite dull though and this is from 2 different sources. I know I couldn't ever get back with GOM. Not now, too much has happened and I know that I would be doing so for the wrong reasons and if we did we would only break up again when we hit a rough patch. It could never last between us. Also, I have too much pride; there is only so many times you can go crying on your friends and families shoulders about him.

So, cancel Xmas please. Or put me in a coma from now until Jan 7th when everything returns to normal. I don't like new year either. Why does everyone feel the need to go out and force them selves in to having a great time and spending a fortune as everywhere puts their prices up, you spend ages queuing to get in to crap places as everywhere is packed. You also have to pay a cover charge on these crap places. A taxi home costs more than double what it usually does and then you are queuing a life time for that also. So Bahhhhhh Humbug to it all!!!

Monday, 22 November 2010

Waste of Time!

I feel like I wasted my time today.

I had to go see a Psychiatrist about the self harm etc. I don't agree with the diagnosis that they had previously said I have which is emotionally unstable personality disorder borderline type. I said to him numerous times that to be diagnosed you need to meet 5 of the 9 criteria and I only met about 2-3. I agree that there are some traits but then with personality disorders everyone meets traits in some of the categories. I said I meet traits in the other ones also does that mean I have those. A few weeks ago at uni we did a thing on personality disorders. It was a clinical psychologist who ran the lecture and he said to everyone, go through these list of personality disorders and I want everyone who doesn't meet any criteria on any of them to raise their hand. Funnily enough no one did. He said even himself that he met some criteria but doesn't mean he had a personality disorder. Just because I self harm they want to label it as a PD. I feel so angry!

So back to the appointment. He asked me a load of questions. I said to him from the start that its hard for me to be totally honest about what is going on as the thing I fear most is hospitalisation. So I basically told him that yes, I was feeling suicidal and that overdosing is not the way I would choose to do it. I said I would make it look like more of an accident. I also said I didn't have any plans. This much is true as I don't have definite plans. He asked me where I see my self in the future. I said to him honestly what I would like but I couldn't see that happening with the way I am feeling now. I talked about the low mood. I also talked about the thought racing, everything going a million miles an hour and how it can last for a few days at a time. Then it goes back to being low. I quickly brushed over how I sometimes see things that aren't there or hear things that aren't there when I feel like this but he didn't really seem to hear me. What I mean is he didn't ask me to elaborate so I don't think that is a worry from him. After an hour he comes back to the same thing..."I'm not saying you have a PD but there are traits there and you would be best treated by PD services". It makes me feel so angry. He did not listen to a word I said.

I have had my meds changed again. Now being put on Duloxetine and he said if that didn't work then would try Reboxetine. I have looked in to both of them as I do and I hod no faith in the reboxetine so hoping that the Duloxetine will help. I asked him if I could combine the Duloxetine with the Mirtazapine and he said he felt it would be bad practice and went on about how he didn't know me and would be bad of him to do that. I felt like saying "you don't know me but you are making assumptions about me already though"! I just feel so angry about today and felt that it was such a waste of time. I still feel really low and depressed but now I also have the feelings of anger to contend with. So he is referring me on to the PD services as he feels I should have some kind of psychotherapy to address why I self harm. He said he found it odd that I didn't start self harming until I was 22. I do also.

I don't know what I wanted to come out of the appointment today. Maybe I am feeling angry as I didn't get what I wanted...i.e a different diagnosis. I work in mental health already and I know the stigma that comes attached to PD's. It's not a definite diagnosis of it but it's there that there are traits. It makes me angry as every one has traits but it's not in their medical notes etc.

He was incredibly patronising also. You could tell he was doing a textbook assessment..."thank you for sharing that, we appreciate it very much and we know it must be hard for you". Over and over and over and over again. I felt like saying "please just stop reading from your textbook"! I am not stupid. I am aware of what is going on and I don't want to be treated like that. I appreciate some people may give a little more info etc if they feel that what they are saying is being taken with some empathy. I am not one of those. Don't do it with me!

So, I don't know how long it will take for this psychotherapy thing to come through. I have said there is no way I am doing group based therapy. The reasons being are that I work in the city as a mental health worker and don't want to risk being in therapy with my own service users. Also the course I am doing could mean that I am likely to come in to contact with SU's through the studies and placements. But also, group therapy is not for me. I am very private. OK, I know I write a blog about it but I don't think anyone actually reads this and it's not as though you know who I am. But, there is no way I can sit in a group and discuss my self harming and feelings of suicidalness. I find it really hard to open up to people and I have issues around trust so a group thing would just not work for me. I told him this but I will have to wait and see what happens. I was also told by one of the nurses at the local hospital that I wouldn't be able to do psychotherapy until I had not self harmed in about 12 months as of the risk of it making things worse. Who knows what this therapy will be like then.

I have ideas about what could be factors affecting the way I do now. The thing is I have never told anyone about it. I worry about what people think of me too much so to tell them about something that happened when I was 13 is too big a risk I can't take. It's not like sexual abuse or anything like that but some stuff happened and I feel to tell anyone would affect the way people think of me now even though it was 13years ago. There are also other things that I just wont talk about. I know I am not doing myself any favours. But I can't.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

I feel...

I am feeling...

I don't know how I am feeling. At the moment all I am feeling is kinda depressed. It's worse today for some reason. I don't know why. I even cried while watching The Little Mermaid earlier. What's all that about. I got quite nostalgic I suppose. It is the first film I ever went to see at the cinema. I would have been about 5.

My family are so ignorent to what is going on. Yesterday my Dad asked me if I was feeling any happier now. What was I supposed to say to that. I could have blown up at him but no I didn't. I just said yeh yeh. I feel sad of course I do but the depression is more than just feeling sad. It's a weight, it's something that lurks there all the time. It doesn't go away until one day it is just gone. I can physically feel it. I have been suffering on and off since I was about 15-16. Didn't actually realise I was until I was about 22. I started self harming when I was 22 also. I suppose in the past I had with alcohol consumption and hitting myself and punching things but it wasn't until I was 22 that I started cutting.

I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on Monday. I don't know what to say to him. I hope it's a bloke anyway. I am weird like that. It is assumed as I am female I would prefer to see a female nurse/docto/counsellor etc. I am not like that though. I know I have issues with trust and for some reason I find my self being able to be more open with a male. So, this appointment. I feel nervous about it. How honest should I be. I am scared that if I am too honest I will get packed off to hospital. But then don't they say crazy people don't know they are crazy? How do I explain to him the auditory hallucinations, the "smell". When I am bad there is always this smell that is there.
The auditory hallucinations are the same thing of someone shouting my name. I know there is no one doing it but it scares me all the same. Do I tell him that I am feeling suicical. That although I haven't set a date or anything I find myself making plans. Thinking about ways so that it wont look like a suicide. At the moment my thing is to fall infront of a car. I know I should be thinking about the person driving and what it will do to them. But there is part of me that is being really selfish. My other thing is if I do have to have an operation to get this needle out my arm lie that I haven't eaten or drunk anything and hope for some reaction with the anesthetic.

I've been having these weird de ja vu things recently. Well I have had them in the past but they are happening more and more. Basically what it is I will dream something and then weeks later I will be in that situation. It's nothing major like an event but just a situation like who I am with, the place that I am even if I have never been there before. It's really quite weird. It doesn't bother me as it is not as though I am dreaming about something happening and then it happens it is more of being somewhere. Maybe I can dream about what the lottery numbers will be. I say that, that means I want to win the lottery. Does that mean I can see a way outside of the depression. I don't know. If everything was fine then I wouldn't be feeling like this would I?

My feelings at the moment can be summed up by a couple of lines from different songs...
"I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had".
"I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either".

I know I haven't got a personality disorder even if that's what the "professionals" are trying to say I have. I know to be diagnosed with the PD they think I have you need to meet 5/9 of the criteria on the diagnostic test. I only meet 3. But then I meet 3 on others so does that mean I have those also? I really hate the term PD. While I accept there are people with quite obvious PD's I am not one of them. I have worked with PD patients and I am not like that. I feel annoyed that they try to diagnose that as it's a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis and they like to pathologise you. Part of me wants to go to this appointment on Monday ready to argue my case about not having PD with my argument all ready and prepared. I have already got defensive about it so I don't actually see what they can do for me. It makes me really angry about things and because of the nature of the diagnoses there is I don't think that people will listen to me.

My thoughts are just racing and racing tonight which is why I thought I would get some stuff written down to see if it would help calm me down. It hasn't. I get it sometimes where things go through my head at a million miles an hour, i can't concentrate on anything and can't relax. I feel as though all my senses are on overdrive and are super alert to everything going on around me. Everything just seems as though it's really sped up. Does anyone else get what I mean, is it normal as part of depression?

This isn't really working for me!

Monday, 15 November 2010

Random Blabberings of a Crazy Fool!

Don't know why I feel like blogging but I do. I came home early from uni as can't face it today. I am so tired. Can't concentrate on it. Not missed anything important anyway. So this afternoon I plan on napping and then doing some work this afternoon.

So. I was thinking. Maybe I do have a bad relationship with alcohol. The nurse at the hospital I'll call him Mike keeps saying it to me and possibly I am avoiding it. I was thinking about it and the thing is I don't want to give up drinking. I enjoy drinking. What does that mean? I use it in a bad way at times though and that is what needs to be addressed. I never crave drink, yet it has got me in to trouble on occasions. Like ending up in hospital as of it; sometimes drinking so much that I am unconscious. That is not normal. I know that. So, as much as pains me to do it I have gone and approached an organisation (not alcoholics anonymous) that makes an assessment of you and your drinking habits and if they find it to be a problem will go through things with you. Last time I went to them I was drinking a lot more and could see that it was a problem. I think this time it is because I am not drinking as much I don't see it to be a problem. But it obviously is! Last time I went there they said I was dependant on alcohol and was close to becoming an alcoholic with the amounts I was drinking. Drinking gives me confidence which I don't usually have. I think that's why I am quite reluctant to go. I mean I am quite outspoken anyway, but only if I am not standing up in front of other people and doing it. In clubs I wont dance etc unless I have been drinking. Also I hate being around drunk people if I have not had a drink myself. The problems I have here is that most of my social life revolves around going out with friends to pubs and clubs so the drinking is inevitable.

I suppose what I need to do really is find other ways to get self confidence. I think the first one would be to lose some weight. The thing is when I am depressed as I am now it is a viscous circle and I eat crap for comfort. Then because I have no confidence I also drink. Grrrr....not really a way out that I can see there.

I don't want to carry on feeling like this. I hate feeling as though I am constantly carrying around a head full of issues and problems. It's even got to the stage now where I don't want to live like this and have considered suicide. Although, what stops me here is I know that this is a permanent solution to a possible temporary problem. Well it may not feel like it but there must be something that I can do, something I can do with the right support. In other words it's fixable. It's not something that has to stay with me for the rest of my life. Another thing is I feel like such a hypocrite if I do go and kill my self (OK I know that doesn't quite sound right but bare with me here). What I mean is, for the past 2 years of working in mental health I have worked with suicidal people and talked to them about it and offered them support. Talking them round, saying to them that although doesn't seem like it at the moment things can and will get better but it will take some hard work etc etc. So if I go and do something stupid like that it's basically telling them (although they would never know) don't listen to me as what I say is a load of crap! Yet, why do I keep having the feelings of being suicidal, thinking of ways in which I could do so to make it look like an accident? The mind is a strange and scary place isn't it?

So, basically my family now knows I am suffering with depression and also have self harmed. They don't know the extent of the SH just that it has happened a couple of times (I think it's on a weekly basis pretty much at the moment but they don't know that) and that I am struggling. They are worried that Friday night was a suicide attempt as if no one would have found me I would have died. But not just that they think that because I cut deep enough to require stitches that in itself is an attempt at suicide. I didn't want to tell them that cutting your self is not the way to do it and wouldn't be my method of choice but thought that would worry them more. So I just laughed at them, said it wasn't and left it at that.

Anyway, on to a lighter note. X-Factor!!!!!

Who are these people. They are useless. I only really like Matt Cardle, he's cute and he can sing and he has something about him that airs a vulnerability. Wagner, well he is just this years Jedward. You either love him or you hate him. He can't sing for shit but I suppose it's slapstick entertainment. You (I say you but I don't know if anyone actually reads this or if they do it will have got this far) may hate me for saying this but I really don't like Rebbecca F. I don't like her voice and all the songs she sings sound the same as her voice is so unique. Would you really want to listen to a whole album of it? I have also seen on Facebook that there is a group along the lines of "getting rid of chlamidhya is easier than getting rid of Katie Waissel". Now with her, I don't actually know why I don't like her but there is something about her I just don't like. I don't know how many times she has been in the bottom 2 now but doesn't this indicate to the judges that the public don't like her and she would not do well as an artist as she just isn't getting the votes. Why keep her in. And I must admit although I am 26 I kind of had a small crush on Aiden. He was gorgeous!

I am not one of these who votes and this is only the 3rd season I have watched X-Factor. And usually I have to point out I don't watch reality TV as can't usually stand it, but I suppose like Robbie Williams being my music guilty pleasure this is my TV one.

Speaking of Robbie good is Take That now he is back in it. I loved them when I was about 9 but actually Mark was my favourite and wasn't that keen on Robbie. I was quite sad when they split but not suicidal like some were. I started to like Robbie when I was about 13 and sort of fell in love with him. Between 13-16 my bedroom was a shrine to him and I have all his albums. I was watching X-Factor last night with them on and they all work together so well and really seem to enjoy what they do on stage. It was brilliant watching them perform all together again. I wish now that I had tickets for the tour. It's weird how as you get older your tastes change. As I said Mark used to be my favourite when I was young. But watching them last night I realised he wasn't that nice. Howard and Jason were scrummy and of course Robbie, you are still my favourite!

I have brought my first CD album in ages (usually I just download from Limewire - I know illegal but music is so expensive but I have now stopped as don't know where I can get it from as Limewire under court order now), this being Take That's new album Progress. Can't wait to get it through the post! YAY!!!!

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Don't Know What To Do.

I don't know what to say. I am going to have a go at writing down how I am feeling so I can try and make some sense of it. Things have got a whole lot worse. Basically about a week ago I inserted a needle in to my arm while I was self harming. I knew I needed to get it out so came up with a plan so that I could inform my parents about it and make it look like it was some accident. I told my mum I felt like I had been stinged by something and when went to look there was something tiny and metal sticking out of it and in my attempt to get it out I pushed it in. So doing this on Thursday I did say it to my mum and she got quite nasty about it. I ran out of the house with a razor and went off somewhere to go self harm.

My mum followed me and I ran off from her. I went to my quiet place where I have been before to SI at night and cut my leg. I didn't realise my mum was out looking for me. I fell asleep and came round in resus in hospital. From what I have been told someone called an ambulance and my mum saw the ambulance and found out it was me inside. Obs she saw the blood and the people told her what I had done. My parents came down to the hospital where apparently the staff told them was not the first time I had been in from self harming. So now they know. They don't know the extent of it, but they know it's current and that there are problems. They are proper freaking as they don't understand SI. They also said it's a miracle I am alive as I would have died of hypothermia had someone not have seen me. I wish I had. I can't deal with them knowing about this.

I refused to see my parents when I came round and I was kept in over night. The next morning the Doc saw me and I told him about my arm. He had a look at it and said couldn't see anything, no punture marks etc and if was still hurting me to go to my GP and they would send me for x-ray, so no further on that one! I feel like I should just leave it. I have mentioned to him that there is something in there as when I tried to get it out it pushed it in. He had a very couldn't care less attitude. So I can't either. The pain makes me feel more also. It's a way of constant being able to SI without anyone knowing.

So, when I got home I got dressed and went straight out. Spent the day at uni. I called the nurse at the hospital who I have seen before and he was horrible. Just basically said there is nothing I can do. I needed re-assurance. I told him what had happened the night before and he was quite off with me. So I won't be calling him again. He just said I am in control and I control what happens. I said I felt as though I was losing control and needed help. I said I was worried about the suicidal feelings and he said he was glad I was worried as meant I was aware of them and could do more to control it. He said I wasn't under him as a patient so there was nothing he could do and wouldn't really be worth him seeing me again as there was nothing he could do.

So get back from uni and I am summoned in to the dining room by my Dad. He said I needed to get help and that it was selfish etc. That I should consider other people and did I know how much hurt I had caused? Also got phone call from my brother telling me to go round to his house today to talk to him. He said it was obs I was depressed and needed to see someone. I thinks I should go to counselling or something. I didn't tell him much about the self harming as I really don't like talking about it with people I know. It's my thing. It stays in my head. I don't do talking about feelings and why etc. He just kept saying if no one had found me I would have been dead and how someone found me where I was is a miracle and he said it looked like a suicide attempt.

I really can't deal with people knowing about this. I am pissed off with the hospital for them mentioning about previous self harm. I am not a child (26), what right do they have divulging my personal medical history. I know some of you will thinks it's good that family now know. It's not. It's the worst thing possible. I know I am going to get lectured by them and they don't understand. They will get nasty saying I am just attention seeking. So now I am feeling the worst I have done yet in this episode. I want to self harm more and I would say I actually do feel suicidal now. I really don't know what to do with myself. I am feeling so low and so anxious.

Sunday, 31 October 2010

And the Cycle Continues...

Had some weird advice yesterday from a guy in the psych department. I have not seen him before, actually that is a lie. I have seen him before but I don't remember he told me we had seen each other before but I can't remember him. He remembered me. So I SI again and walked to hospital. While I was there they took an ECG as my heart was going really fast. They ended up keeping me in over night and all day yesterday. I thought I wasn't going to get out until today as they were not going to let me go without seeing someone from psych medicine. I said I wanted to discharge my self as couldn't see the point in hanging around as psych wouldn't do anything and I knew my bloods would be ok, and they had lost my bloods that they had taken in A+E. They wouldn't take my word for it that I hadn't taken an overdose. I know my history and they were concerned as of that (taking overdoses and not saying anything or denying it) they didn't want to take a chance. They said if I discharged myself they would call the police and I would end up being sectioned under 136 until I had had psych assessment. Didn't want that to open so I was forced in to staying.

Anyway, it was about 8ish when guy from psych medicine came. I was told it wouldn't be until today as dept had closed. He said I should try self harming more often. I thinks as is only weekly or what ever that when I do it it is a build up, so he thinks I should self harm more often and it won't be as bad. I am not going to take that chance though. I could end up in a worse situation than I am now. I told him what I thought of the other guys theory. He said it may not be the course as such but being at uni again, and something could be triggering it, maybe something in the past. I don't know what to think. I kind of feel like a fraud as I can't see anything in the past that would make me like I am now. It's not as though I had a traumatic childhood, nothing bad has ever really happened to me. I don't know what it is.

I am sick of this low mood. It is making me feel awful. I hate feeling like this. I don't see a way out at the moment and it's really starting to worry me. I am scared incase I get suicidal again. There are some fleeting thoughts, which I did tell the guy about, not in so much detail but, I did tell him. I have really tried to be honest with people about things and I am finding it hard. I just don't see what else I can do now!

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Maybe I Am Not Over Him? My Funny Attempts to Move On....

So, I have not actually told anyone this but I don't think I am over my ex yet. Don't get me wrong I know we (I say we like I had a choice) have done the right thing in breaking up and I don't want to get back with him...but why should be be happy and me not. I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship. Except the depression and self harming which he couldn't cope with. But, I feel myself really missing him at times. I see little things on a fleeting thought comes in thinking "oh I'll tell ? about that, he'll laugh at that". And also finding myself thinking about things we did together and little private jokes we shared. Then it hits me really hard. I don't know, maybe it's not him per se I am missing but the having a significant other to share things with. But then I say that and the last thing I want at the moment is to be starting a new relationship. I really can't be bothered with the effort. And also looks like I have been attacked by mad knife man on my legs and how do I explain that one?

There is a guy on the scene at the moment who I do quite like, but I am always the one who has to make the effort in arranging to do something or in texting him. Why should I be the one that goes to all the effort. Yet, at the same time show me a guy who is too keen and I am running for the hills. Why can't I find a happy medium.

In an attempt to get over the ex who I will now refer to as Gom (grumpy old man) I joined a couple of internet dating sites. So, the weekend after that I had been forcefully evicted from the house I shared with him (a long story and quite personal that it may give away who I am) I went on my first internet date (well not first as went on one a couple of years previous but first of this time)...

1) Mark -

A guy with red hair....I don't know what it is but I have a thing about ginger/auburn men. This guy in his pictures was a geeky chic kind of guy. Sort of quirky looking which I like and very different from Gom. So I was texting him quite a lot. I don't like speaking on the phone to people and always text people rather than calling them. I don't know what it is but I just don't like speaking to people who I don't know very well on the phone unless it is in a professional capacity. Even family who I don't see very often I will text to see how they are rather than call. But anyway... So I was in contact with him quite a lot, sending a good few messages every day. We decided we were going to go on a date with each other as we were getting on quite well through text. There were a couple of niggles I had about him, like when he asked me what I would look for in an ideal man I told him what I wanted in a man and what they could do for me. I asked him the same question and his response was "someone he could look after". It kind of put me off as even though there is the MH problems I have I like to stand on my own two feet and am quite a forceful person. I know what I want and I go after what I want. So he sounded a bit like a sap. I text my friends (there we go, texting again) to let them know where I was going and as I had a feeling to see who was around as back up in case I needed it. Well, as soon as I met him I knew straight away that something was not quite right with this guy. It was like he had special needs. I was actually quite concerned that people would see me and think I was out with one of my patients. I know it sounds awful as I should be less judgemental but this was awful. Within 5 minutes of meeting him I was in the toilet on the phone (yes, I actually called someone - desperate times called for desperate measures) to my friend formulating a plan that would ensure that I could do a runner from him. I concocted this whole story about what was going on and got my friend to call twice while I was with him pretending to be in a massive mess and she needed my help. Abracadabra - 25minutes after meeting him I was in a taxi with 2 bottles of wine to go to a friends house to drink and be merry and laugh about the disaster of a date.

2) Nate -

After having been travelling for a few months and returning home I felt that I was ready to have another go at this whole meeting someone game. So online I met another guy, Nate. However, I had to postpone our first date by 2 weeks as I was in hospital with an infection and on IV antibiotics (what you get from injuring yourself in Asia, taking your own stitches out with non-sterile equipment (I wasn't going to pay though) and not looking after to wound properly. It wasn't a SI but an accident I had). I made sure we spoke on the phone this time. Didn't want a repeat of last time. I thought this guy was quite interesting and he was stunningly gorgeous! Too good to be true. I thought he was interesting as I said and I thought he had a good sense of humour and was taking the piss a lot. Turns out he wasn't taking the piss and he was deadly serious...this guy was in need of a MH Assessment. He believed he had some electric telekinetic powers and was really in to vampires and said he hung out with them. He was indecisive and put me on the spot a few times during the date asking how he was doing and how the date was going...guys, you just DON'T do this! So, luckily as I had only come out of hospital 3 days previous to this I managed to feign illness. He said that I didn't look well! So I was doing a dam good job! He was in the camp of too keen also. But luckily he didn't call me or text me again. This guy was far too in touch with his emotions and clearly wasn't over his ex. He was actually nearly crying when talking about what happened. He asked me what happened with Gom so that gave me the right to ask too didn't it? Freaky guy this one was. He was gorgeous, but not right in the head!

3) Jeremy

So, I decided to move on to a different dating site, after my horrible experience with 2 freaks I moved on and actually paid for the privilege of having freaks contact me instead! To be fair to this guy he did nothing wrong and he was really quite nice. We had our first date in the city centre and went to a few bars and then on to a club where we danced and acted like teenagers. I did like him and had a nice time with him. Only thing was he looked far too much like Gom and even kissed like him. I decided I would give him another go and decided to go on a second date with him. That also went ok. I got on well with him, yet I didn't find him attractive. After the second date he was talking about us doing all these things in the future and to be honest it scared me. I know I moan about being the one to do leg work but here we have another over keen guy. The last straw was when I agreed to go on a 3rd date (as I can't be nasty and tell them to their face that things aren't working) and he text me straight after the second date saying "I can't believe we have to wait until Friday to see each other". This was on the Monday and it was the straw that broke the camels back. I ignored him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him things weren't working out and so I just ignored his texts and calls until he got the message.

OK, I realise that from these 3 dates I sound like some cold heartless bitch. The reality is though I hate being mean. I am unable to say to people I don't like you, you are weird, we wont work etc etc etc. Generally, if I have been on a date with someone I know wont work I make my self to be the total opposite of what they want. If they never want to have kids...well I want 10 and be making a start as soon as possible and I am looking to find my life partner by joining internet dating, the opposite of that if they want kids soon. If they like one thing, I hate it and visa versa. My strategy in this is that I hope that they will not like me and wont want to see me again. However, this did not work with guy number 4!

4) Pete

Another one from the dating site. This time I adjusted my search to someone who was educated, someone who was the right age, someone who had similar interests to me, and had red hair! So the date with him. We met in a pub in the city centre and had a couple to drink in there. I knew things weren't going to work out so I made him sit outside with me while I smoked. This was in September, it had just stopped raining and was not very warm. He was in a t-shirt also. So, this is one of my ways to ensure that I never see someone again, along with making myself the opposite. The date went without any event and I saw it out til the end. I thought I had made it pretty clear that he wasn't what I was after. But the next day I get a message from him saying he thought we got on really well and could he see me again. Maybe, my method of how to lose a guy in one date doesn't work all that well after all. He was a nice guy, there was nothing about him other than his fidgeting and twitch that was annoying it was just that we didn't gel! I thought I can't be horrible to this guy by just ignoring him as he hadn't broken any of the cardinal rules of mine. So I had to compose a message to basically say I am not interested. I got help with this, from 2 girlfriends and half the blokes in the pub I was in. I let him down gently with a message along the lines of you're a really nice guy and all that shebang. I even got a message back from him saying while it was a shame thanking me for my honesty. So, the first one I actually felt bad for.

Maybe I should stick to my ignore if you don't like method.

So back to the guy on the scene at the moment. OK, I quite like him. I met him in the traditional way of being wasted and meeting him not inside a club but outside trying to get in. We were both trying to get in but the bouncers said it was too late and that we were both too drunk. So what do I do. I take him home. This is before I started DSHing again. I had previous scars which he did notice but I said I had drunkenly fallen over on a glass coffee table hence why my left arm and right leg are a mess. He believed me. I think most people would. Not many people come in to contact with self harmers. Where as for me if I see someone with scars I automatically think Self Harmer. This is as I have and do and because of where and what work I do. But I am under the impression that most people wouldn't think this.

If I have a one night stand I never expect anything from it. I don't expect to see the person again. But there was something about this guy that I liked and we have seen each other again a few times. I have not told him about the SH and also I have made sure we take things very slowly. So while he has been round to my house a few times I have made sure we just kissed at the end of the night and not done anything else. I apologised to him for sleeping with him as is not something I do. I don't make a habbit of it. It has happened a couple of times where I have met someone while drunk but it's not a regular occurance. I have not got lots of notches on the bed post. I am not that kind of girl. Quite frankly I find it quite slutty and associate that behaviour with chavs...I don't like chavs at all but that is another whole story and probably a blog in itself.

I have not got a name for him yet as can't think of a made up one that fits him well. But I have now decided I am not going to contact him again unless he makes contact with me. I am not going to be the one that makes all the effort. I don't mind making some. The thing is when we are together he is talking about things that we can do together or saying things like "we'll have to do..." not in the crazy over keen way. But I just don't know where I stand with this guy. Also, I don't think I want to be in a relationship at the moment. I need to get my self sorted in my head and get the DSHing under control and stop it. I need to find new coping mechanisms. The next guy I am with I want to be able to say a few months down the line that the scars are not from drunkly falling over but that I used to self harm but I don't anymore.

So that's that. That's how I Try to Lose a Guy in 1 Date!

Thursday, 21 October 2010

Please Just Go.

So, update....and some general ramblings...

Still pretty much the same. Yes, I did harm again. Not as bad as last time but still pretty bad. I have taken to removing my own stitches as I don't want to be questionned by the nurse at the GP practice about it and I don't want to have to explain which ones stay and which ones go.

I wish I knew why I was feeling like I am. To me I have no reason to be feeling like this. No reason why I should be feeling low and wanting to self harm. In the past I have known why I have been feeling low; what factors contributed to it. But they aren't there anymore. It is diving me mad. I am trying so hard each day to not SH. I try not to look at my legs as the scars and healing wounds are just reminders of how good it feels. In one of my first posts on here I tried to explain what it was that I got from it.

So, on to other matters. I don't want to constantly being going on about the SH. It has been in the news over the last couple of days how 2 small boys were spotted in an area in my city roaming the streets at 12.30am and then again at 5.30am. The police were sent out on a massive search for them and was all over the local press. It turns out the boys were identified as being 5 and 6. They were found safe and well and was that they decided to go out on their own in the middle of the night. Now, to me, it seems ludicrus that the mother did not know where her children were or did not hear them. To go out, come back and go out again and then come back again without her noticing is rather worrying. Why, at that age the boys went out also. I know at that age I was scared of my own shadow. I think something is going on there. There is no way children of that age would decide to just go for a walk twice at that time of night if they were not trying to escape from something. I do hope a Social Services referal has been placed and she will be looked in to as something is clearly amis in this household. Also, I am going to be very prejudiced here, but, the area of my city that this was in is not a good area at all and she is probably some benefit claming chav who was pissed out her head and that is why she didn't hear them! Anyway, rant over on that one.

I get a lie in tomorrow...yay! But, no doubt I will be up at the crack of dawn as usual as I am so cold. I feel as a woman it is my right to always be cold. Now winter is really kicking in, i am entitled to this even more so. But, it does drive me mad how I am waking up in the morning so cold that I am shivering. I have moaned at my parents about putting the heating on a timer and they say they are not cold so they wont. Well, they wont be with their electric blanket and what ever else they have in their room keeping them warm. I am really not a fan of this colder weather.

On another note... I brought some GHD's the other day. Got them delievered. To be honest...can't see the hype about them. Wish I hadn't spent so much on them now. They are good but I wouldn't say they are £100 worth of good.

So, that's about it really. My week has been pretty uneventful. I am managing to get by. Trying to keep focused with uni work and keep my head together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't!

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

10 Facts

Some surprising medical facts for you to consider whilst going about your daily chores today:

1) No-one in the entire world can touch all their own teeth with their tongue.

2) Mad people everywhere are now trying this.

4) You've just tried, and discovered this to be untrue.

5) Now you're sitting there with a crazed smile on your face.

5) Bet you didn't notice that I'd skipped number 3!

6) And now you've gone back to check.

7) Bet you didn't notice that I'd skipped number 6 either.

8) Fooled again...

9) Bet you didn't notice that number 5 appears twice!

10) Now that hopefully you've got a smile on your face, remember that that's what it's all about, and go back to your daily chores...

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

It Needs To Stop!

So Sunday I self harmed again. Another hospital trip. They said I was being uncooperative and didn't understand why I locked myself in the toilet when I had said there was no way I could sit in crowded waiting room. So, that got me seen by crisis team. They were told that I had tried to hang myself in the toilet. No! I didn't. I didn't ligate or anything, that's not my style. They put me in a cubicle and I fell asleep as I had taken a lorazepam earlier and that set them off saying I had taken an OD. I hadn't. I took the loraz to try and help me, to knock me out before I could do anything and it only kicked in about 2 hours later when I was at the hospital.

So they were wanting to do bloods and stuff and I refused saying I wanted to get home and in to bed as the loraz was zombifying me and I knew that if I was subjected to bloods I would be in ages. I laughed when the crisis team showed up. I said do I look like someone who has tried to hang themselves. Do I have broken capillaries etc, and if I was suicidal do you think I would be doing it in the toilet in the A+E dept. I said to them that I don't know where they got the info that I had tried to do that as was not the case, I didn't need to see them and I was going to be making an appointment with the Psychiatrist as had had a letter through asking me to call and make appointment. I said I was sorry that they had been made to waste their time, and that the A+E dept staff were saying that so that I would be seen quicker by them as they wanted the bed.

Anyway, apart from being angry, low and wanting to self harm constantly, I have rung for an appointment with the Psychiatrist. Can't get one until the end of November. I have also spoke to the nurse who has been helping me quite a bit and he said he has spoke to these people at harmless and I should be able to get something sorted with them quite soon as they have appointments and he said that that will probably help me a lot more than seeing the Psychiatrist. He said he didn't think I was depressed. I don't know what consistent low mood for no reason is then. I also spoke to him about this appointment...not knowing how far away it would be at the time and basically said to him that I was worried as all the Psychiatrist would see is the previous diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and write me off from the start. I have argued and argued before that it is not that. I was telling him my reasoning about how I knew how it needed to be diagnosed and that you need to fit in certain amounts of criteria on the diagnostic scale and I said that I didn't fit as many as needed to be there. Ok, there were a couple but not all of them. I was saying that there were a few on each personality disorder thing that I recognised and I know for a fact I am not them. Most people will have traits that fit in on personality disorder scales. I was saying how I was annoyed that Psychiatrists just have to tick boxes and is all about diagnosis and pathologising you in categories. And he said he agreed with me and was all about choices that I make and I need to regain some control over why and when happens. I said I knew all this already and I needed help in doing so. He said that the psychiatrist wouldn't do that but this organisation would be able to help. So just hope can get seen by them soon.

I just hope it is soon as the self harming behaviour is getting out of hand now. I know I need the help and I am doing what I can to get it. I don't want it to get to the stage of where I am suicidal again as I can't cope with it anymore. It's so annoying!

I know if people do read these you will think that I am doing it for attention. But can I point out that this is not the case. I don't write about it on here so I can get attention from people. I don't even know if other people read this. But I use it as my sounding board to get things off my chest. I use it to pour my emotions out and remain anonymous. No one knows the extent of the self harm. Ok, so the hospital does and the nurse I speak to does. But no one in my family has any idea. My brother knows it is something I used to do. But that is it. No one even knows I am depressed or what ever it is as according to nurse man he doesn't think I am. I am managing to function at the moment and put a brave face on. I don't talk about my feelings with anyone. I did mention to one friend after the first time of cutting badly in ages that I had done so and that I was feeling depressed again and I was worried as I knew what happened before to me and I was recognising the start of the pattern. She doesn't know the full extent of what was happening 2 years ago. I don't talk to family and friends about it as they have their own problems going on and I am not going to wear them down with mine also. It is not fair on them. I am really worried though as I live with my parents and think that they may notice that things aren't right with me. I can't put a brave face on all the time. So what do I do, I hide out in my room. And that must be being noticed. Very few people know about the self harm in the past. I have a couple of friends who know it is something I used to do, but they don't know the extent. But that is it. Another reason for me keeping it so private is that there is still a big stigma attached to self harm and mental illness.

Although I don't class myself as mentally ill, there is still stigma that comes attached to it. Also, I am afraid if people do know then it will get out of hand. At the moment I feel as though I have some control over it. I can limit it to when no one is around or take myself off somewhere. But if people became aware it was something I did I think I would lose that being shy about it and lose control and not be bothered that there are other people in the house when I am doing it. It would become a more regular occurrence. I mean say for instance I was I was told it was a direction I was heading in if things continue the way they are, then what have I got to stop me. My fear of people finding out would no longer be there as people would know. On that subject....the nurse said to me it could happen. My understanding of what he was saying was if I lost control over it more so and got back to where I was then could happen that I would be put on a Psych ward for assessment. Not sure if he was saying this to scare me or was a possibility. I have done quite a bit of work on the Psych wards in the hospitals around here and so know the staff and also a lot of patients. So there was this factor and the fact it would screw me up career wise. At the moment I am not suicidal and so this is bothering me immensely, but what if I lose that will to live, that will to have a career and become suicidal again. What happens then?

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Will These Feelings Please Just Go Away!


It's pretty much how I am feeling. Don't know why I feel like I am doing at the moment. It's wearing me down so much. I am trying to concentrate on uni stuff but it's hard when at the back of my mind all there is is thinking about how much I want to cut and how bad I am feeling.

I have had a letter from the place that the GP referred me to and I have to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist. I honestly don't feel that there is much point as in their eyes they have diagnosed me and I feel that I am going to go in there where they will have this pre negative misconception about me, that there is nothing they can do as not clinical and is psychological. I don't think that there is much point. I will go in there for an hour where I will be assessed by the Psychiatrist, they will ask me lots of questions about my family and my childhood as apparently that has everything to do with it. It's all very Freudian. I am feeling very negative about it. I will be referred on to a group more than likely that I wont go to in case of seeing service users I know already. I have told this to the nurse who I have spoke to a few times at the psychological medicine department. Also, the place I will more than likely have to go is at the hospital where I do quite a bit of work already. So I run the risk of being seen by someone I know from there.
I don't believe in the diagnosis that they have given so far. I am not sure if I have said but they believe it to be Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. In other words, borderline PD. I have worked with a lot of people with this diagnosis and from my own experience dealing with these people I don't believe it is this. Ok, so there are some traits but not the 5 on the scale that there needs to be to give a diagnosis. I feel that the Psychs give this diagnosis when they can't see what it is and are at a last end when someone presents as depressed and who self harms.

I will tell them all this when I go in. I will let them know my feelings. I know I have poor coping strategies and I need to work on those. I don't know what I can do to do that or what is available. But I know that I disagree. I was hoping that I would just be referred for some counselling and that would be it. I suppose I should think of it in a positive way that I will be assessed again by a Psychiatrist. But I know what it is like from working in the field about how they treat people.

What is my main thing at the moment is I don't know why I am feeling like I do. I suppose there have been signs there for a while about how I am feeling. When I was with my ex, he used to be able to realise that I was getting depressed again before me. I don't have that anymore so maybe it has been going on for a while and I have just not noticed it. I don't know why I self harm, I just know the relief that comes from doing it. I have said in previous posts about that.

Not to dwell anyway as wont make me feel better.

I know that I will say to the Psychiatrist is that while no one knows about the depression and self harm I am able to have some element of control over it. Like, I can manage not to do it too badly when there are other people in the house. I think if people knew then there would be nothing holding me back. So that is my reason for keeping it so private. I am not even sure if my parents know I am depressed. They don't know I have suffered in the past. I am trying hard to hide it now though. When I am spending quite a bit of time in the house it is in my room and I think they have noticed that. I am trying to throw myself in to uni so I have focus somewhere else. But what happens the next time I am on my own, the next time I do have the opportunity to really have a good go at it. Will it be worse as I haven't done it properly in a while. I am even planning on when I can do it properly again. I'd like to think I am not suicidal. I don't think I am. But the thoughts do creep in every now and then. It's lyrics from music that I relate to and over think about... the ones at the moment being from the Killers - Why do I keep counting - "Will I live to have some children", from Robbie Williams Feel "I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either" and from the song Mad World "I find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had". So I can relate to these. Does this mean I want it? Urgh! Go away nasty feelings!