Still No Phone Call

Well, I still haven't had a phone call from my CPN or Dr. They could have called Friday or today and they haven't. I am quite relieved by this as I don't really want to have to go see anyone about what I have been experiencing as I don't want to end up back in hospital.

But, at the same time I think it highlights that the team aren't doing a great job. The psychologist said he was going to contact the Dr about the experiences I had been having on Friday. Maybe he hasn't been in and that is why I have not been contacted. But the psychologist seems to think I need medicating. I said that I was already on Quetiapine which is an anti-psychotic so I didn't think they would change anything and he said he still wanted to speak with the Dr anyway.

I am not bothered that they have not contacted me anyway. I am going to stop taking my meds as I don't think they actually do anything for me. I am on a mood stabiliser which although has stopped the highs (which I liked) I still get the depressions. I am on an anti-depressant, yet look at me now. And again I am on an anti-psychotic, it's not like that is doing any good for me is it. I hate taking all the meds I am on. It's like they rule my life and I can't be doing with it. Not going to say anything to anyone as again I don't want them hauling me in to hospital. But I don't think it will make much difference anyway. It might stop me sleeping 14 hours a night, feeling like a zombie the next day and eating half the daily intake of the food in China each day. I need to stop taking them. I am not going to be ruled by them.

Put application in on a flat today. I am getting closer.

Discharged

I am no longer under section. Yay! The PDoc took me off it today when I went in after leave. So I am happy about that. I was totally honest with doc. I said I was having more suicidal thoughts and thoughts of self harm, however, I hadn't self harmed, but I felt that this was more to not having the opportunity to, not because I was making the conscious decision or making the conscious effort not to.

He said it was expected that I would be having more thoughts and struggling as my structure has been taken away and I don't know what's going to happen. He said when I am a person who doesn't really plan too far in to the future because I don't know where I will be with moods it is going to be hard for me to have to wait a year before being allowed to go back to uni.

Being at uni was the thing that gave me structure to my life. I had something to concentrate on. I have voiced my concerns that without this in place I will sink back and end up in a vicious downward spiral. The doc agreed with me and said that it is critical that I work with the community OT because of it giving me some structure. Beth is getting something set up with community OT for me so that something will be in place.

At the moment I am finding it really hard to do most things for myself. If I am told to go to an appointment I will get up and shower and go. But to do things for myself, then I am struggling. I have had a few PJ days where I haven't showered, brushed my teeth or done anything with myself. It's gross really. My mum has had a go at me for it also.

I do feel my mood has dipped in the last couple of weeks. I can't say I am in a depressive episode as I don't think I am. It worries me that it could be the start of one and maybe the sodium valporate isn't working after all. But, I suppose the PDoc is right in what he says. It is to be expected. Being told I couldn't go back to uni this year has hit me really hard which is a normal reaction when someone has worked so hard to get on the course and then worked hard while they have been on it.

So I am going to be under Dr T again. I am really not happy about this. I don't like him. I feel that he doesn't listen to me and he changes what I say. He will tell me I am feeling feelings I am not and ignores the ones I am. I was seeing him on a monthly basis before I was admitted and I suppose in a way I kind of feel let down by him especially as I did share with him things were getting worse for me and I was having strong suicidal thoughts. But, saying that, I know I have to take responsibility for it myself. It was my decision to try and kill myself and I did not do all I could to stop me taking those steps. In this I mean that I was not honest with people and I did not work with Crisis team. So I can't say I blame him.

There is a support plan in place for me, I'm not exactly sure what it is though. I don't know how often I will be seeing Beth or Dr T. I have been proactive in one thing though. I have made an appointment to see Sam again. I am looking forward to seeing her as I really like her. I feel as though I have a good relationship with her. I will miss her when she goes on maternity leave.

If I am honest I am feeling a little lost at the moment. Not sure why, but it's how I feel. I think maybe I became institutionalised slightly. It was weird walking out for the last time today. Hopefully I am heading in the right direction. I have been told I am (and I have been honest with them), I just feel different and am kinda worried I'm not. I have this feeling deep down that something is not right. I suppose it's something to talk about with Sam when I see her on Wednesday.

For now though...I'm off to bed!

Update

I am still under the section 3, but I am on leave. Being told that I can not return to my course until next year has hit me hard and my mood has dipped because of it. I don't know what I am going to do for the next year. I don't seem to see things long term which the other day Beth and the Pdoc made me see. They asked me if I could see being a social worker or just doing the course. At the moment it was just doing the course. I don't know what I want long term.

I am still having the suicidal thoughts, granted it's not a constant thing but they are there. They creep in when they are least expected and knock me back quite hard. Also have not been self harming on a daily basis as I was before going in to hospital. The reasons behind this are because I have not had time on my own, the house I now live in is tiny and I can't lock any doors. It's not through not wanting to and I can feel it building. This worries me quite a lot as given the chance I think I will and I think it would/could be quite serious. As I already know, I don't self harm in a light way very often. The scar on my stomach from having emergency surgery shows that. I spoke to Beth about this the other day when she came to see me. At the moment I am seeing her on a weekly basis. She came to my house and my Mum went out. She said she was also concerned that it wasn't a choice of mine that I wasn't self harming and it was because I didn't have the opportunity to. But, I suppose where there is a will there is a way so it may be some unconcious decision I I making not to self harm.

After nearly 3 months of being in hospital I didn't think I would hear from Vince again. I assumed he would give up. But, he didn't. He saw when I was back in the real world (Facebook) and messaged me (Facebook again) saying he was glad I was alive and he was worried about me while I had been away as my phone was bouncing back messages and he could tell I hadn't been online in a while. I made some story up, well I didn't. I just didn't tell him I had been in hospital under a section or that I had been anywhere near a psych hospital. We got talking again and we agreed that while we couldn't pick up where we left off (about to jump in to bed with each other and on the road to becoming boyfriend and girlfriend) we did want to see each other. So...I am seeing him on Tuesday. I've got even more scars now on my legs from where I self harmed quite a lot when I was in hospital. I am worried that he will know that they are self harm scars. One day, if we did become a couple and a LOT further down the line I will tell him I am diagnosed as having Cyclothymia and explain about it and tell him in the future how I had to go in to hospital so that I could be treated for it.

As I said though, my mood seems to have taken a dip. I have lost that motivation that was there before and would be happy to spend the day in my PJ's without showering or brushing my teeth. I got away with it yesterday because I am ill also, but would not be allowed to get away with it usually. I drag myself out of bed after 13hours in there to show face but again, if I was on my own I would probably be spending a lot more time in bed. Hopefully I will pick up soon, I hope it's not a sign that the sodium valporate is not working as I thought it was and me going back into a depressive episode. I hope it is just in response to the thing with uni.

Anyway, I will mention all this to the Pdoc on Monday when I go back for review. I have a meeting on Monday and I am hopefully being discharged from the section. Although I am on leave I feel quite vulnerable that I could just be dragged back in at any time and that I don't have control. And being as though one of my things is about control it's not a nice feeling to have. I need to feel that I have control over my life. Which is why I carry a razor in my purse. It's there, I know it's there and when I feel I want to self harm I am making that choice not to use it, thus I have some control. I tried to explain this one evening to the ward staff but this landed me in trouble and a restraint. I understand it and the Pdoc understood it also, he said he did.

That's my update for now anyway.

Hopefully I will be able to find enough stuff to write about on here now that I am out of hospital.

I find keeping a blog is like keeping a diary and is the only place I can be fully open about my thoughts and feelings.

Where Am I Now?

I have still not been discharged. But I am on leave. This post is today October 17th.

I have been on leave since Monday last week, bar one night when I was asked to stay. Big mistake. Will explain more in a minute.

First off, uni have pissed me off. All along they have been supportive saying concentrate on getting better, don't worry about the course as you can come back on it when you are better and indicating it would be fine for me to return once I was out of hospital. Then all of a sudden they emailed the hospital with a whole bunch of reasons why they thought it not be a good idea that I return this year. Some of them I understood, I expected it from the beginning when I first informed them I was in hospital. But it came so quick. The hospital knew that. And, it was why I was not discharged on Thursday as the plan was. I was asked if I would stay that night as the news had upset me and I agreed. Going back to uni this year has been my main focus in trying to get better, trying to show them that I could seek help when I needed it. By this I mean seeking out staff when I was struggling and talking to them and asking for PRN medication if I felt I needed it. And in uni giving me this news I kind of felt as what's the point! The hospital were worried I would act badly and because it was my focus wanted me to be around staff that night so I could talk to them if I needed.

So I was allowed to go home for a few hours to take my car home and pick up clothes so I could get changed the next day etc. 9pm I was back on the ward. 10pm I had to get off. So I did. I took myself off without telling anyone where I was going and over stayed my unescorted leave. I needed to be alone. I needed to be out of the place. It has a smell about it. It has a feeling. It makes me feel worse. It wasn't that settled either and so it was making me feel anxious and I couldn't think. So I needed to have time on my own. I knew the ward were getting worried when I had missed calls from them and then the security guards asked me if I was GP and I denied it. I moved to a quieter place, still within hospital grounds. After about 2 hours some staff found me. I did not want to go back to the ward and they called a security guard. I explained how I felt and that it was being on there. I tried walking away from them but they grabbed me. They were being nice to me though.

After a while one of the staff flagged down the police who were driving past. They asked me to go back and I still was saying no. So they handcuffed me. They put me in their car. I managed to get out the handcuffs and tried to get out the car by winding down the window and trying to open it from the outside but the police man grabbed on to me. By now I was feeling even worse and was getting quite angry about being dragged back to the ward so I was struggling. They dumped me back on the ward and staff took me to my room and IM'd me with medication but I was still quite irate. I had a razor on me also as I planned on self harming. I didn't tell them this but they knew as they had found the broken remnants of one. They were holding on to me as I would not give it up and while I was upset they wouldn't leave me alone. At this point they were wanting to get me transferred to PICU again and even called the local one trying to get me a bed there. Thankfully they were full and the one I was in before was too far away for transfer in the middle of the night. It all ended with the staff coming off me and staying in my room. They let me keep the razor but said I had to take it out my mouth if I wanted them to leave me alone as they didn't want me swallowing it in my sleep. So I was able to wrap it in a tissue and put it under the pillow. It ended with me falling asleep.

The next morning I was woken by staff coming in my room to get the razor. Being as though I was in a medication hangover I gave it up with no resistance. So that was on Thursday.

What has happened since then?

Even though I had been upset the night before the PDoc granted my leave and over the weekend I went to a family wedding. It was really hard. All my family know that I have been in hospital and so I had them constantly checking on me making sure I was ok and trying to talk to me about what had happened and what was happening now. I got home from the wedding drained. It didn't help my Dad got really pissed and was really annoying. The split between my parents is also bothering me quite a lot. I feel as though I am in the middle of both of them. I am living with my Mum at the moment. We have moved house and it is a lot smaller than the house we lived in with my Dad. So she has had to leave quite a lot of stuff. But he doesn't want her stuff around and so he keeps on at me to try and get my Mum to sort it out and has boxed up a load of stuff and made me bring it back. I keep getting from both of them their own takes on things and how they are coping and I know it sounds selfish but I can't cope at the moment with dealing with their problems as well as my own. The PDoc said I need to set boundaries with them, but I don't feel that I can.

What am I going to do with the next year?

Well I am going to have to claim benefits for a while. I don't hold much hope in getting a job any time soon. I feel that I am not well enough yet to do something that I hate doing as it will make me feel worse. I know that will probably receive criticism from some people but if you don't like what you read don't read it. I don't plan on being on them long. I am giving myself until Xmas to get myself sorted out with a job. I am also going to try and do some short courses while I am off over the next year. I want to do something that is going to help me with my career as I haven't exactly gone and helped it by getting sectioned. So I was thinking something like counselling skills. I will have to see what's out there.

So, I went back to the hospital today after my weekend of leave. I had to see the PDOC. We had a chat about basically everything I have written on here and diagnosis. He asked me what I thought about everything now and I said I was worried as I had been having bad thoughts over the weekend. He said he had the feeling that being in hospital made things worse for me in terms of the self harm as I have more things stopping me at home. The fact I can't lock any doors is a major factor at home. And the house is so small that I would feel weird self harming while my Mum is so close. He said he felt that if something was going to happen it would have happened by now with me. So although I felt worried he had less concerns. He spoke to me about diagnosis also.

 He said it wasn't a PD. He said there was no way I could complete a year of a Masters level course and not completely fall apart at the first hurdle. He said he would expect someone with a PD to have increased self harm and attempts when they were stressed and struggling over things such as hard essays and other bad things that happen in life. He said it hadn't happened with me. He said I had stumbled at times but had managed to get myself through it. He also said with PD the traits are there all the time where as with me they are not, they are just there when I am struggling. And on to the traits. There are not enough traits there to be able to be diagnosed with it. He said he agreed with the diagnosis of Cyclothymic disorder (basically a milder form of bi-polar) that the other PDoc had given me. The medication that I have been given for mood disorder has worked which again indicates it is a mood disorder.

I have said all along that there are traits. I have acknowledged that, but I have also said it is not a PD. I have tried to fight this, not just because of the stigma of PD but because I felt I didn't have it.

There is someone who commented on one of my posts under anonymous was quite rude over the diagnosis thing. I don't get people who go by anonymous. Why hide behind it? Anyway, that's a whole new topic and I have written enough now. I am tired and going to go to bed after being a good patient on leave and taking my range of medication. I wonder how long I will have to deal with medication for if it's something I will be on for the rest of my life. It makes me kind of worried really. But if the sodium valporate is stabilising my mood then I should be thankful for that. At the moment I need just to concentrate on that.

It Is Getting Worse.

So first off what I wanted to say about my recent stay on medical wards.

You know I wrote that post in which I talked about my dream of being in hospital when I stabbed myself. I said it wasn't my hospital but it was the staff. Well turns out it was my hospital. It was the intensive care ward. The ward in which I was on over the weekend. I have never been on that ward, never visited anyone and had no idea what it was like. Until I was there and it was the same as my dream. It goes to show my dreams do show me things. Dreams have shown me things in the past but I have never had it where I have written about it and then, bam! I have been there. Kind of weird really. Does it mean my dreams can predict the future in some weird way?

Anyway, today.

So, summoned to the hospital to see Dr T and Beth. Dr T as usual was running late. So Beth sat with me in the waiting room. She was asking me loads of questions. She basically said that last week the only thing that would have stopped me from doing what I did would have been to use the MHA then. I just said nothing would stop me. She kept going over and over things. Talking about stuff that had happened that I didn't know about. A call to the police saying there was a dead body from someones mobile phone. I don't get why they didn't call an ambulance? Why the police? If you come across what you think is a dead body, unless quite obviously dead, such as being decapitated, or just some limbs, you would call an ambulance. Even if you felt for a pulse and couldn't find one, you would still call an ambulance. I find all that weird. So much so I wonder if that was actually the way in which things panned out. I mean, this team have been known to get things wrong before.

So in with Dr T. I can't make eye contact. I can't speak. All I can say is I don't want to see anyone and I won't work with anyone. Again, they asked me to go in to hospital on a voluntary basis. I said no. As I said before, I fear hospital more than I fear death.

Dr T then told me I was feeling angry at them. No, not particularly. I just want to be left alone. I feel that their input makes me worse. I said I wanted to go alone. They said they couldn't do that as they were worried and my actions had caused a lot of concern. And, my behaviour now was causing concern.

I was asked how I felt, I said I wished it had worked, what I didn't say was because I don't want to deal with what is going off now. Everyone knows. I never wanted that. I don't want anyone knowing. They asked if I was still having thoughts and I said I was but I didn't have any plans. And here they go again with getting it wrong. They said I had attempted in the past when I didn't have plans. Well, actually no! Every attempt has been planned. I didn't have the energy to attempt to argue with them. I don't have the energy to argue with them.

Dr T asked me if I thought I was unwell. I said no. I don't feel that I am. These feelings aren't any different to what I have been feeling for a long time. So I don't think I am unwell. I don't know what they think though. I couldn't look at them in the eye and I couldn't speak really. Just the occasional one word answer and the odd nod, shake and shrug. I tried to get out of my head and from what was going on. I noticed Beth's nice shoes and her purple toes, Dr T's very unfashionable black lace up shoes with a diamond kind of print socks. The carpet was blue with a small pattern in which I thought looked like a leopard print pattern, very discreet though. It smelt of paint. It smelt of a new building. Which it was. After all it's only been open less than a year.

I declined their input. Dr T said he would see me weekly, only yesterday I was told he is discharging me. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone.

Dr T asked Beth what she thought. She said I needed a Mental Health Act Assessment. She said they had a duty of care, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!! Dr T agreed and they asked me if I would wait in reception. I said I just wanted to go home. They asked me if I would agree to the assessment and I just kind of shrugged. I don't have a choice. I don't want them turning up at my door with the police and get me on a S135. It was quite late and I think Dr T wanted to see his last clients and go home. And, he wanted to get my GP involved. So they said an assessment would be arranged for tomorrow and they would come to my house. I don't know if it will be Dr T. I don't know who it will be. They are going to try and get my GP to come also, as I think he is supposed to be the doctor that knows me. I was asked to guarantee that I would keep myself safe tonight. Again, I said I didn't have plans so it was fine.

They did the whole going in to the past thing again. Wanting to know what has gone on in my life and any significant events. I said there were none. I am not sure if those things that happened are significant enough to cause this. Why does it have to be an event that causes it. Why can't it just be the way things are. I still feel it's all very Freudian. A Psychiatrist I don't have respect for as quite frankly, he was talking rubbish. I mean, how can you take someone seriously who comes up with things like the Oedipus and Alexis Complex. Really?

I was asked if I was ok to drive. They wanted to call my Mum and I said she was out. She was, she was at meetings. I said I only lived 5 minutes away and I would be fine. I got in my car. Composed myself. Then instead of turning right to go home I turned left. I wasn't really sure where I was heading. I was going to drive around my childhood haunts. Go and walk up to my wishing tree. This is a tree that when I was a kid, my friend and I used to go to and we used to believe it had magic powers to grant wishes. It was quite a cool tree and easy to climb. I went back there a few years ago. But, I had no energy. I couldn't be bothered to walk through the rain, through the park/forest what ever it's called to go find my tree. Instead, I drove to the cemetery.

When I have been really bad and at a low point I speak out loud to my Nan. Hoping that somehow, if I am doing such a wrong thing she will somehow let me know. I decided I was going to visit her and my Grandad's grave. I haven't been in about 2 years. No one tends to go. As a family we were never one for visiting people's graves, after all only the body is there and their soul has (supposedly, if you believe religion) gone to heaven. So if you wanted to talk to them you should pray. I went to the cemetery. There were no cars in the car park. Being as though it was an area in which some of the rioting at happened (it hit my city the other night with police stations being firebombed and shops in the city centre being looted), not majorly, but I didn't want some yob seeing my car all alone and think they could just nick it or set fire to it. The latter being more likely as not the type of car you steal as it's a rust bucket and takes about an hour to get from 0-60mph. I saw another car drive in to the cemetery so it's what I did.

I drove up to the grave. I got a blanket out and as I sat down, I looked around to ensure I wasn't in earshot of anyone and talked to my Nan and a little to my Grandad. He died when I was one so I never really knew him. But my Nan, well, she was second Mum. I was there about 45minutes. I apologised and asked that if there was some form of afterlife, could she some how let me know. Then I asked if it was because what I had done was against the religion she tried to bring me up as (Catholic...dragged to church every Sunday until she died when I was 15 and I have not been back since), and was that the reason why she wasn't making herself known to me?

I don't know what I believe when it comes to the whole death thing. I would like to think re-incarnation. As after all, forever after as a dead person, is a bloody long time. And I am not sure if I like that. I mean what if you marry, they die and you re marry, and they die. If there is such thing as heaven...who are you with? Think about it? It's not exactly the best thought out plans is it?

So after that I go home. I really don't want to go home. I said to my friend earlier, if I had the money I would do a runner for a while. Hop on a plane and get out of here. Disappear for a while. But, all I have is a shit load of debt and only £60 in cash. Won't get me far or last for long will it?

I think I am going to be sectioned. I won't work with them, and I don't know if they will just let me go on my merry way. I fear hospital more than I fear death. I have already started thinking about how I can do it while I am in hospital, if they make me go in. I have hidden needles in my belongings. So, hopefully, if I am searched they won't find all of them and I have some outlet still.

My career is fucked basically also.

I came home and spoke to my Mum telling her what was going to happen tomorrow. She made jokes like asking me if she should make them all a cuppa and try and butter them up. Me, I think make them a cuppa and put chloroform in it so I can do a runner. Didn't say this out loud though.

We then got talking about my Dad. She said that this whole situation had made her realise she was always being defensive about me and my brothers and she didn't like feeling like that. I agreed. He is hard work. So I came out with it and asked if they were going to break up. She said it was looking like that. She doesn't want to lead the rest of her life feeling defensive around my Dad. I just said I had seen it coming for a long time now and was surprised she lasted this long. I do worry about my Dad though. As much as I can't stand to be around him at times and I would hate for him to be here now. I don't think he could cope on his own.

I asked if she had thought about practicalities and she said she had. I asked what would happen to the house we live in now. She said she couldn't afford to run it on her own as it's a big house and the bills are large etc. So we talked about if it remained amicable would my Dad support her still in living in the house. It's a possibility. Also, there are2 very similar houses for sale on my road already. They are only on the market for about £400,000 and so is not a good time to sell as they are worth more than that. So, maybe we could stay here and my Dad would move to one of his houses that he owns. If they do split I hope it remains amicable between them.

So that's been my day. I think tomorrow I am going to end up in hospital. I am scared.

I have one friend telling me to lie, and the other telling me she thinks it may be for the best. I have only told 2 friends. I don't want anyone else knowing.

So, if I don't blog for a while. It's cos I have been put in a straight jacket and rushed off to be drugged up and kept quiet!

Summoned

I have been summoned by Dr T and Beth the CPN/CCO. I have to be there for 3pm. I am freaking out. I think they are going to spring a MHA assessment on me. I think they want me to go to the hospital.

I still have the same thoughts. I don't have a plan. I have thoughts, I have ideas but no plan.

I don't want to go. I don't like Dr T. He will probably turn round and tell me I am not suicidal, that I am not having suicidal thoughts and that they don't exist. He does tend to invalidate what I am feeling and tell me I am feeling something I am not or tell me I am not feeling something I feel I am feeling.

I am worried this is a rouse for a MHA assessment. I know I have already seen an AMHP. She was the social worker who saw me in the hospital. Can they do assessments separately over a number of days like that? He will be a S12 approved, he is the consultant Psych. So I would only need one more doc. Can they do them without you being aware that they are doing them?

I am Scared.

I think they have been discussing admission to hospital. I spoke to Sam earlier and she mentioned it. She said it had been discussed and asked my feelings on it. I honestly don't think that going in to hospital would make things any better. It would make things worse. I think Sam agrees with me. She said she is concerned and that if I couldn't keep myself safe, that would be an option.

She asked me if I was planning anything and my feelings after. I said I feel let down and disappointed. Partly in myself and partly because it didn't work. I said it was so easy and I came so close to succeeding that doing it again seems appealing. I feel the same in myself, I think I do anyway. I said I was thinking of doing it again and making another serious attempt but not in the next couple of weeks. I think I worried her. She said she was concerned as she is off on holiday when I get back and so I wont be seeing her for about a month now.

She asked me my feelings about Dr T. I said that I had told him I was having suicidal feelings again and they were not questioned. She asked me if I felt that he had not done his job properly. I said not necessarily, as I wouldn't have told him exact plans anyway so there was not a lot that he would have been able to do. I acknowledged that it's my doing. That I have to take responsibility for what I do. I said the only way to stop me once I made my mind up would be to put me in a straight jacket. And because I am so intent on not going to hospital I wouldn't say if I was planning anything any way.

The reason for doing it? Well because I sick and tired of there not being any change in my changing moods. I'll be ok for a while and then I will be low/depressed for a few weeks or I will go a bit hyper and elated. I can't see how any of it will change as I don't see any triggers of why things are like they are. People are telling me there are triggers and I just need to learn to see what they are but I can't.

So, tomorrow there is a meeting between the clinical psychologist, the CPN who I saw a couple of times and Sam. It's worrying me quite a bit that these people are getting together to discuss me. I've not said anything. I think Sam knows I have not been totally honest about my feelings. She says I have come on since starting counselling but personally I do not see it. She tells me different ways in which I have but, I still don't see it.

I hate the idea of people talking about me like tomorrow will be. But I hate even more being there when people talk about me. The meeting with Dr T and Sam was horrible. I felt put on the spot and really nervous. So I wouldn't want to be there anyway. Sam said she would call me after.

She wants me to have something in place while she is off. She thinks it may be good seeing the CPN for a bit longer but, I don't feel as though anything can help me right now. I know it will happen again. I don't know when exactly, but when I get back it will happen again. I was close, really close according to the woman from Psych Medicine. But, I don't know if they were just saying that. I wonder if I hadn't have been found if or when I would have died. I think my body would maybe have just have sorted it's self out.

Anyway, I am still quite ill from it all. I nearly passed out this morning. I was outside and as I stood from a squatting position everything went black and then started spinning. I had to hold on to something so I didn't hit the deck. I came inside and sat down for a bit until it passed but it did worry me a little. Then, I went to see the nurse today to have my blood pressure checked (for my contraceptive pill for the PCOS) and it was 186/105. It has never been that high. She took it a few times. I told her about the attempt and what happened this morning and she called through to the doctor. She asked quite a few questions. I explained how I had been feeling really sick all day and having dizzy spells. Anyway, they wouldn't let me go as it was so high. I don't get it. When I was in hospital it was always on the low side. They called the doc in hospital at one point as it was only 85/50. I was at the doctors all in all 2 hours. In the end it did come down, 115/72. I got a head ache while I was there and still felt sick. She said if I was to get any worse I was to call the out of hours doc tonight and if I was still the same tomorrow to get an emergency appointment. Don't know what they would do. I could see them sending me back to the hospital. So I think I will just grin and bear it. After all, if it is serious and does get me then that's just a bonus.

I am worried they are going to suggest Psych wards. I can't tell them I will not do it again. If I did they would know I was lying. I don't know what I can say to make it look better for me. They will know if I suddenly change my tune that something is not right.

I've got an essay to write by Sunday evening. Sam said I should get an extension but I can't really when I know I am going on holiday on Monday for a week. I can't say "can I have an extension as I am going on holiday for a week so can I have a 2 week extension". Doesn't look good does it. Also I just want it out the way. There's still that small part of me that wants to succeed in life also.

So tomorrow, Sam is going to call me and let me know what goes on. I will write again when I know more. But I kind of feel my fate is not in my hands anymore. There is some weird thing that's not me controlling it!

x

Alive

I attempted again. I nearly succeeded. In future I must lock myself in the house and hide the keys.

I won't say what I did but it has been classed as a serious attempt that if I had not have been found would have worked.

Now everyone (as in professionals) is flapping. Especially as I said I could make no guarantees that it wont happen again. Which is true. I was unconscious from about 1am to 11am. I only briefly remember coming round a bit in the resuscitation room on the bed in just my knickers. And fit nurse was there. I made a fuss as obviously there were 2 blokes and I was practically naked. But I passed out again. I came round again 10 or so hours later hooked up to loads of machines. Apparently my heart was not happy and they had to give me some medication to slow it down.

Another embarrassing bit...my friend was on shift on the ward as the registrar. He told them who I was as I didn't have any ID on me. Embarrassing. He wont tell anyone as he can't, doctor patient confidentiality and all that. Although this morning I had to say to the nurse that I knew him and I didn't want him as my doctor as he was about to see me with all the other doctors like they do on ward round. So the Sister (are they called sisters if it's a bloke, is it a brother?) had a quick word and he discreetly went away when it was my turn.

So, all this led to a Psych Medicine referral. She was panicking. Then she was worrying me saying she couldn't decide any thing without speaking to Dr T my consultant Psychiatrist. She said he may suggest MHA Assessment, or make me see crisis team, or he may want to come see me as he was in the same hospital that day. So she had me worried for about an hour as she had to wait for him to come out of meetings. I then had some alcohol liaison nurse come see me which was a waste of time. I explained I didn't get drunk then decide it was a decision to do both and that usually I only drink about a bottle of wine per week and I have seen someone in the past and they had said there was no alcohol problem. So she was happy with that and left me to it.

Finally the woman from PM came back and said she had spoken to Dr T. All he said was I should call Crisis Team if I need help. So he obviously hasn't listened to a dam word I have said in all the appointments with him. PM woman also called Sam. I gave her permission to. I knew I would find it easier to discuss with her if she already knew all the details. So I get home after being there nearly 40 hours and Sam calls me. She wants me to go in tomorrow. I said I couldn't as I have kids to look after tomorrow so we have arranged a telephone appointment for tomorrow. She said she was worried as she is going to a meeting with the Clinical Psychologist and the CPN I saw on Friday and she hasn't seen me for ages. Which is right I suppose. I have only seen her once in the last 5 weeks and I am not going to see her for another month now as of my holiday and her holiday. She also said the feelings that other professionals were having were that I did it because I was told I was being discharged back to my GP. How wrong are they. I feel like seeing Dr T has been a waste of time and there is nothing that he did that my GP couldn't have done anyway.

So how do I feel now. Deflated. Pissed off. And I want to do it again and get it right.
PM woman asked if I was depressed at the moment. I said not. That I felt pretty stable. She then asked why. So I told her.

It's all a waste of time anyway. I don't think anyone can actually help me. I have been under Psychiatric services for coming up to a year now. And, not a lot has changed really. I feel that they have not done anything for me. I don't know what can be done for me.I think my GP would probably be better. I like my GP also. He always smiles when he sees you which is really nice. If that makes sense. He makes me feel unique and not just another patient with the same problem he has seen a million times.

Sam asked how I was feeling and I said I felt crap at the moment but I didn't know how I felt about the whole attempt thing. I hadn't had chance to think about it. I dunno, even though you are really bored hooked up to machines and with nothing to do, I don't think about it. It's when I get home and I am on my own. I have Vince coming over in a bit. Obviously I wont tell him what happened but he will be here to take my mind off things.

I will write again tomorrow when I have had this telephone appointment with Sam.

xxxx

Psychiatrist Appointment.

Went to see Dr T this morning. And I am kinda pissed off kinda puzzled. Being pissed off after appointments with him is pretty standard. He asks me what I want, I tell him and he knocks me back. Why not just tell me what's going to happen.

He asked how things had been and I said they hadn't changed drastically but there had been a little change but I didn't know if this was due to pills or because things had changed. I said I would like to increase the dose of the Quetiapine. My theory being that if changes were due to medication then increasing the dose would increase how I feel. At first he knocked me back saying he wasn't going to do that. I said why I thought it may be worth doing it and in the end he agreed to put the dose up to 400mg from 300mg. He said he wouldn't increase it any more as any higher would see more side affects and he wants to keep it at a therapeutic dose (what ever that is) and he said because I am not psychotic he said he wouldn't give me a dose which is to treat psychosis. Which is fair enough. I have never said or felt that I have psychosis.

He asked me why I went to see him and I said because I was told to and for medication. He said usually people were only under their service for about a year and then they went on to a recovery team. He said that was more for people with strong diagnosable disorders. So he said he would be looking at referring me back to my GP. I feel he hasn't actually done anything and since I have been under him since the beginning of the year I don't feel as though anything has changed. So again, it feels like I have been labeled as untreatable and just being turfed back to where I came from.

I mentioned I had suicidal thoughts and he didn't ask about them. So I didn't elaborate anymore. I couldn't see the point when he just discredits my feelings. I told him how I had been seeing Sam since before Xmas and that I hadn't really seen any improvement in how I am feeling and what is there. He kept going on about how it would be something that makes me self harm. I disagreed with him. Why does there need to be a reason. And he was telling me how I wouldn't be getting veins where I was self harming. I disagreed with him also on that saying that all the sites that I blood let is where they have put cannulas in before so I knew there were veins there and that they way it bled gave it away that it was a vein. He said not. I left it at that. It's as though he wants to challenge me and say I am wrong on everything. It's as though every thing I say is wrong in his eyes.

He just makes me so angry and pissed off.

I think when I am discharged in a couple of months will be my time to leave Sam also. I don't want to go to the counselling anymore. It's obviously not working for me. I find writing on here a lot more therapeutic than counselling. Also, I feel less restricted on here. I can say what I want and not feel stupid. Sometimes speaking about my thoughts out loud I feel really stupid. It's like voicing them makes me mad. Like when I was talking about the paranoia that people were following me it felt so stupid saying it out loud. Does anyone else get that?

I don't think there is anything major in my past that would cause how I am now. It's just the way it is.

I will be glad to get away from that Psychiatrist anyway. He hasn't exactly helped and he just pisses me off. Also, as I have said before the only reason I go is so they don't section me. It will be nice to have that freedom and not feel as though evidence is being gathered against me.

Update

Shit news first...

I put a pound on. So I am now 16'11 (total loss 3lb)

I think it's because the two weeks previous I had not been careful and my birthday weekend and alcohol consumption just caught up with me. So even though I was really careful last week I put a lb on. I would hate to imagine what it would be if I hadn't have been careful. So this week I am going to try even harder. I am going to a gig tomorrow. The White Lies are playing and so I am going to see them. Beyond excited. But I will be dancing and singing a long so hopefully that will help me shed some weight.

I am not doing too well really at this Fat Club. I really need to step up a gear. I finish placement next week so hopefully I can be a bit more active. After all I have a park for a back garden. I should make sure I use it.

Anyway, on to other news.

Had first appointment with Sam in about 4 weeks. I didn't tell her about the cutting. But we did discuss Vince. And she embarrassed me when she asked why I would be bothered about the scars as why would he see them. Knowing fully well. And thus making a prude me embarrassed. Yes. I can write about very personal things. But sex...well it makes me embarrassed. I know kind of pathetic. She was then teasing me about when my parents go away and what that will mean. I think I may have gone a little red. Anyway, she seemed to probe quite a bit about Vince. In a nice way, kind of, this is going to sound stupid but a friend getting the gossip.

She can read me so well. And she is so honest about what she thinks. It's kind of worrying. I suppose she needed to be. If I felt someone was keeping something from me I wouldn't say anything to them. But she will come right out with it. For instance, she has asked me numerous times to write just before I cut/let so I can write about my feelings so perhaps we can see if there is any pattern. She asks me quite often, well at every appointment if I have thought any more on doing it.

This week she asked me again. When I said no, as I didn't really think about my feelings that much I just don't do it. She came out with, " I get the feeling it's somewhere you don't want to let me in". I was dead honest with her and said she had hit the nail on the head. I then went on to explain how I don't talk about my thoughts. I believe some thoughts should remain private to yourself and not share them. I said I don't want to open for people to see.

 I suppose but I didn't say it at the time is that I don't want to be so vulnerable. I don't even write my thoughts on here, as, I am a firm believer some thoughts should just be that and not voiced. I also said part of me felt like this because of having worked in mental health services I have seen bad practice where things are mentioned to other people where it doesn't need to be mentioned or people may have a bit of a giggle at what the person has said. Or, they would underestimate the importance of what someone has said. I don't want to be that person that someone discounts, has a giggle at etc etc. And, some of my thoughts are kind of stupid and I don't want to share those. I want to keep part of me private. I don't want people knowing everything about me and how I think, what I think about. My thoughts should be private and I don't want people knowing about them.

I suppose here though you could say what is the point in therapy. And if I am honest I would have to agree with you on this. I suppose I have been quite open with Sam but there is something holding me back and if I am honest I don't think I will be able to overcome. So, what does that mean for me? Does it mean I am wasting my time?

Also, another bit of being honest here...I don't know what I think before I self harm. I am not aware of my thoughts. So I suppose that is why I should write before self harming. It's not like I crave it, or I feel I need to do it for a purpose. The thought comes in to my head and I do it. It's like having a chocolate bar. You want one you have one. You want one, you know you shouldn't, but you do it anyway. OK, weird analogy there but, does that make sense to anyone?

I don't know where I am going to go from here. I am still thinking of suicide even though at the moment things are as stable as they have been in well over a year. But, I know like always at some point I will go down and go bad again. I can't cope with that. You may think I am being a pessimistic fool, I admit I am a pessimist, but it does seem to come in cycles where I will be ok-ish for a while but then take a dip where I will be down, low, depressed what ever you wanna call it for a few weeks at a time. Stable for a couple of weeks, hit a high and who knows how long that will last. The thing that brought me out the last one was being dosed up on morphine and dihydrcodeine. It knocked me out. That was after about 2-3 weeks of being on a high. I can't cope with these stages, these cycles.

Does still contemplating suicide and having a kind of plan put together for in about 4 weeks mean that I am depressed and not acknowledging it? Or according to Dr T, chronic feelings of emptiness what ever that is supposed to mean. I get the feeling as I manage somehow to function when I am low, depressed what ever it is, it is not taken as seriously and they are saying it's not depression. I think in their eyes they want me to be in bed for a week in a dark room and all the other stereotypical depressive symptoms before they will say..."yes, you have depression". But because some how I can drag myself in to placement or uni, that means I am not depressed as it doesn't fit in with what a depressed person should be! And therefore, because I can half function and I self harm it is a personality disorder.

Anyway, rant over. I am sure you don't want to read more about my thoughts and feelings on this whole diagnosis palaver!!!!

Off to bed now to watch Waterloo Road on catch up.

xxx

Dumped

My CPN dumped me today. She said there was little point trying to come up with a crisis plan when I know I wont do anything about it as I make my mind up well in advance. She said there was little point doing anything as we only had a short time together and it was pretty obvious I wont open up to anyone I don't know. She also said another reason why I had been referred to them was because of diagnosis. I won't accept the diagnosis of PD and so attempts at working towards accepting it are futile. She said I should continue to work with Sam as that is where I have a more trusting relationship.

To be honest, I am not bothered about not having to see her anymore. She is right, it's pointless. I said I thought it was more of a mood disorder. The impression I have is because I self harm it's a PD. I wonder what the diagnosis would be if I didn't self harm. The mood changes would still be there. It seems as though they are ignoring all of this and concentrating on the self harm. They whole approach that they have taken with me just puts it in concrete even more how easy it is to label someone with PD, and that if a person self harms then it is a PD.

I don't want to see anyone anymore. I don't have to see Sam for another couple of weeks as I am on placement and I couldn't get a later appointment. I said to CPN that I didn't say a lot of what I was feeling or thinking as I was scared of the consequences. Like this whole thing with uni came out because I was honest with my feelings. I said I didn't like to say too much as I want to keep things private and to myself. Then CPN went on to say she worries more about the people that do that as at least if people are open and honest they can set up some kind of care plan. But when people don't say things they worry as they know there is stuff that is not being said and that there is nothing that can be done about it. Personally, I am going to take my chances. I don't hold much faith in psychiatric services and I will never be the type of person that can voice exactly what is going on in my head.

But, at the moment, I kind of feel a bit better when I haven't seen anyone. Is this normal? I have not seen Sam in a couple of weeks now and my world has not collapsed around me, I have not gone off the rails. OK, so I cut. I know people will probably think I did that because I have not seen Sam. It's nothing to do with that. The people I have seen are always trying to make me try and get out how I was feeling and what had gone off. They think there is some pattern, but there isn't. I cut because I felt like cutting. There was no emotions flying around, nothing had changed.

They don't seem to believe me when I say there is no pattern to my moods. I said I can feel pretty normal and stable when normal people would feel suicidal. Never mind a person who has tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions. If they want patterns etc it's not going to happen. Sometimes when everything in my life is all hunky dory I will feel suicidal. The feeling is just there. Nothing attributes to it. Sometimes when everything is going shit I can just get on with it. Take a really sensible approach to the whole thing and manage step by step and not feel low, not feel suicidal. Just feel pretty normal. That's about the lows. I don't have any thing to explain the highs. But apparently, there must be a pattern and all I need to do is carry on working with Sam and we will figure it out. Well, I am sorry, but there is nothing, NOTHING to bloody pissing figure out!

I'm gonna go to see Sam a couple more times. If I still feel they are trying to ram shit down my throat I am going to stop going. I think I would be better dealing with it on my own. Same with Dr T the psychiatrist. Give him a couple more tries and if things continue the way they are I am not going to bother and I am going to try going it on my own. I think it may be for the best!

Night all.

xxx

And Again

That post I wrote in the early hours of this morning needs more explanation.

Basically I ended up cutting last night. I don't know why. It came from no where. The decision was made and I did it. I had had a drink so maybe it was that and it stopped any self control I had.

I did end up going to the ED as someone saw me. I didn't cut at home. I went to the local park and someone saw me and the ambulance came. I said I didn't need to go but they said if I didn't go they would call the police. I was scared of being put on a 136 again.

I feel quite ashamed by my behaviour last night. Fit Nurse was on. The one on first name terms with. I embarrassed myself. I don't know why I just didn't keep quiet but I was telling him about Bitch Nurse, and used her first name. So he knows exactly who I was on about. I must have come across as someone who just abuses NHS services. I did say that I had not cut since January and that was the last time I had to go as of self harm. I was saying it like it was something I should be proud of and making it seem as though it wasn't as bad as I hadn't been there since January. I am so ashamed by my behaviour. And I really didn't need to go there. I actually stabbed myself in the leg with a scalpel blade. It went all the way in. In my own stupid state I fished it back out also. The wound itself is not bad and all they did was clean it. But I think I have gone through muscle as it is quite painful. It's hard trying to walk without a limp. It's not as though I can blame my ankle as it's the wrong leg.

I feel so ashamed. I shouldn't have cut. I don't know why I gave in last night. Is it stress? Is it the situation with my friends? Oh and they have no idea I feel like this either. They have no idea I am pissed off and upset by them. So it's a whole one sided thing. And, no one has emailed me or anything saying they were sorry I had cancelled my birthday plans.

I feel quite down today. I think it is because I am feeling let down with myself over last night. Not so much the cutting but my behaviour. I refused to give a full name. I hope they didn't figure it out. I don't want it on my medical records. That's why I refused to give full details. They asked me if I wanted to talk to someone and I said no. I didn't want to talk to crisis team. And, as I said I don't want it on my medical records. I don't want the Psychiatrist finding out. I am not even going to talk to Sam about it. I am not going to let anyone know. When the doctor was asking me about my thoughts and if I wanted to kill myself I refused to answer her also. I was a fool last night and I am appalled by my own behaviour!

What bothers me is the fact that whilst I was cutting it felt amazing. Am I going back down the cutting route? I thought the letting was stopping me from cutting. Maybe it's not.

I am having a PJ, feeling sorry for myself day today. I have been lying on my bed most the day watching re-runs of casualty. Tomorrow I am in Uni all day. Just hope this bloody weather stops. It is supposed to be summer, yet I am freezing and it's pissing it down with rain.

Grrrrr

Paying For Services

I wish that I paid for the services I receive. That way I would have a valid reason about stopping. That I can't afford it.

I have had counselling in the past and I was paying for it. So when it got that I didn't want to do it any more I could use lack of funds as and excuse. I was paying £30 per hour. That was the student rate. It should have been £50.

But, the more and more I think about it the more I don't want to do it anymore. I know. I do still let. But I can control it. I know it may go out of my control as Beth was saying on Tuesday. She said when I first started cutting I could control it quite well but got to stage where I couldn't. So this may happen with the letting.

I think what I don't like about all this work etc that I am doing is being told that I can't or wont be able to do something. Who the fuck are they to tell me that. Also, it kinda feels like too many people are involved. And too may people are getting together and discussing me. First Nurseman Mike calling in Crisis Team (after a lengthy discussion with the PDoc. I think Mike wants me sectioned!!!!!

Then Dr T talking to everyone. Dr T talking to Sam. Dr T having "discussions" about me and how a MH Assessment may be on the cards. Dr T discussing me in meetings about Support workers. Being discussed in meetings about what I do and they probably think they all know the answers. Being discussed in supervision between Sam and clinical psychologist (CP) whom I was referred to. Then Beth (My CPN) wanting to have a meeting with Sam and CP to talk about me again. I don't want these people talking about me anymore. I don't want these discussions anymore. I don't want people talking about me. It's not that I am worried what they will say behind my back. OK, I am a little. Sam generally tells me most things that are going on. Well I say that and I bet she is still having meetings about me.

I don't want it going on behind my back, but I don't want to be involved with it anymore. I don't want them talking when I am there either. I don't want it anymore.

I want to walk out. I know Catherine has said what would you say if it was a patient and you were working. Well. I feel now that I can never go back in to that job. I know on the face of it how it all looks. But look more deeper at my thoughts and feelings and as a worker I wouldn't be able to say anything. Seriously!

I would start off with all the shebang about needing help and rah rah rah rah. I would probably, may, possibly (I don't know) discount my own feelings. But no one knows how it feels deep inside.

I know that I don't want this anymore. It's too hard and I feel I have so much shit going on that this can be filed and put away.

Also, I am not planning on being here from mid August onwards. So why even try?

XXXXX

Fat Club - 2nd Weight In + Meeting with CPN

So,

Weight at Start 17stone.
Weight Now - 16 st 9 pounds
Weight Loss this week - 3 pounds
Total Loss - 5 pounds

I'm quite happy that I managed three pounds this week. It's working quite well this diet as I am not really trying. I am just swapping crap for fruit. And when I feel like I want to eat to comfort myself I will still but it will be a banana. I can't get enough of banana's. They have a comfort side to them. Although, I think I am spending more money on fruit than I was on crap. This eating healthy is not cheaper.

Like today. I went to the CO-OP and got some tinned grapefruit as thought that would be nice liquidised in with my pineapple and oranges, tinned pineapple, oranges, bananas and raspberries and it was £7. Fruit is not cheap.

So I am hoping that I will get my half a stone next week.

On to the next thing on the agenda.

Had my meeting with Beth the CPN today. I left feeling crap. I think a lot of the reason I feel so shit after any appointments is I don't like to be told how I am feeling. It is quite demeaning. And frustrating.

She wanted me to go in to detail about the last time that I tried to kill myself. So I told her about how back in January I knew my parents were away for a long weekend or however long it was and wanted to use that as an opportunity. I explained how I had been planning it for ages. I brought in alcohol, as I may as well go out pissed. I like to feel pissed but anyway. I said I had been planning it a while. I explained how I took an OD but not all of what I had and cut my legs really badly. I explained how I didn't know how I ended up locked in the office but my plan was to finish taking all the pills and go somewhere else and ligate. I know OD's don't get you right away and it is a long drawn out process but I wanted to cover all bases. I woke up on the floor of the office locked in. I don't even remember going in to the office. I explained to her how I went to the ED. She asked me why. I explained how I didn't go as of the OD. I didn't even tell them about it. I went because my leg was hurting and I wanted it stitching up as anything I wore was pressing on it and making it painful.

Beth said that if I really wanted to die I wouldn't have gone to the ED. And that I would have taken what else I had left that morning when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to die at home. I don't want that for my parents. So being as though it was the middle of the day, that is why. Also, I plan my attempts in advance. It's not about how I am feeling at the time when I do it. It is my over all feelings. I didn't say this to her but, like now I am pretty stable at the moment. In that my mood is neither in my boots or is it in the trees. Yet, I know at some point it is going to change. I know, everyone has good times and bad times. But mine aren't like that. If it was just the normal feelings that everyone else got I would be able to deal with it. But it's not. And when I say everyone else I mean like people who have not had MH issues in the past. I want to make you understand I am not saying I can't cope with being a little sad as my pet dies, but it's big sad. It takes over my life. It's not like just being a little sad and being able to cope with it. I can deal with things when I know what has caused them. So, if I do feel sad because something happens I can attribute my feelings to that and deal with it. Deal with it like a rational, normal person.

It's the not knowing. The ones when it comes on from no where. Why I don't have reason to be feeling like I do, the ones where I should be feeling happy as things are going great. But for some reason, whether it be chemical, hormonal, emotional I am not. And that's another thing. When I feel like this I can't see any reason why I do. To me it comes from no where. All around me I have people telling me it has to be because of something. Well, does it? What if it is hormonal or chemical? They don't seem to want to even consider that! Anyway, I was off on one there...

But what I was saying is, it doesn't matter how I feel when I make those plans. It is the not knowing and the not wanting to go on not having control over it. I don't want these cycles all the bloody time. That is why I plan in advance, that is why I take what opportunities I am given. Like now, pretty stable but planning my own death again!

Anyway, I told Beth about that attempt on the Thursday night and how and why I didn't try on the Friday straight away. I did however try on the Saturday night. I took an OD again hoping that the pills I took would mess with my blood sugar, I cut and I did manage to make it out the house this time and I went to a quiet car park and ligated. I explained how someone must have seen me stagger, or there was CCTV and I am taken to hospital.

She seemed to think that this was an impulsive act. The second one. It was and it wasn't I suppose. It was as a result of the failure of the Thursday night and it was another go at it. She didn't seem to comprehend that making an attempt is knackering. That is takes so much energy and when you have failed you feel deflated and depressed. Too depressed to go about trying again. I said how I had felt like this for a while and one night there was an impulsive act where by I went to the Bridge and ended up on a 136. That was impulsive. That was because I was pissed and saw something. I also said to her how I would have never had jumped as I am too scared and that would not be one of my methods as I am a chicken and it was cold and I couldn't be sure it would work straight away and I don't want to go by drowning.

I just feel at appointments I am fighting my corner all the time. I come out feeling deflated. Maybe it's because I don't think about it that much before and I never know what to say. I struggle to articulate how things have been or how I feel about something.

I hate the way everything is about feelings. I don't feel anything. Not really. OK, at the moment I am feeling stressed. I have a shed load of uni work to be doing and no motivation. I am having doubts about my own ability for the course and so that makes me feel a bit shit. But, I know why that is making me feel crap. Who wouldn't if you were doubting your own ability.

All I know is at the moment I don't want to live in these cycles. I don't know when they are going to come. I don't know how long they will be there for or how they will go away. I don't like being told that there must be some emotion kicking it all off. Not necessarily. Grrrr.

We talked more about crisis resolution and the Crisis Team and how I would not contact them and why. I mentioned the going for a walk, have a bath thing and how I hated it.

To be honest I think all this therapy and psych input is a waste of time. I don't care about the blood letting. It's not an issue to me. OK, it's self harm, but it's nothing major to me. The other self harm is very often planned so far in advance that Crisis Team could do fuck all. By the time I have made up my mind there is no going back. I don't have crisis'. I make my decision and that is it. I don't have the feelings of needing to self harm as the blood letting takes this away. If I had the feelings of needing to then maybe I could see a point. The cutting I do because I enjoy it. So why would I have a crisis about that. The OD'ing; planned in advance. Again no crisis.

I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I want help anymore. It just seems to land me in trouble anyway. I am fed up with it all and can't see the point with it all anymore. I am only doing it to keep them happy. But it makes me feel worse. I think I need to stop everything!

I Cried.

Appointment with Sam today. I ended up in tears. Over the stupidist thing. I can talk about self harm, I can talk about my past, I can talk about really tough things. But talking about that I am tired and fed up of having a broken foot/ankle (I am not sure which bone it is so from now on a fookle) I start crying. stupid. I said it's because I am tired. I am getting over emotional and a bit of a wreck.

I'm feeling a little over whelmed recently. Last night I was crying through all of Glee (I virgin plused it). How ridiculous is that. It's supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be something that make you laugh. But me, no, I cry through most of it. I am so stupid!

Placement/work have told me I can't be in while I am on crutches as of health and safety. Even if I get the cast off if I am still on crutches I can't go in as of health and safety. I suppose that has upset me as I liked getting out the house. It was an escape. But as it is now, I am stuck. Stuck with my own thoughts in my own head. Although, saying that the enforced day off on Friday *cough working from home, means that after phsyio I can come home, put ear plugs in to drown out the noise (my nephews are here, them you expect to make noise, it's my Dad that is the problem) and get on with work.

I felt I needed to cry more today. But I wasn't going to let myself cry in front of someone else. I don't do that. Once I start I usually end up sobbing and not being able to get my breath so I try to ensure I don't even start. But I feel like I want to cry at the moment. I am so fed up. So frustrated. Even though I have been told if I have to add days on to final placement I can still graduate at same time as my friends. Yet I feel like this. I feel like crying. I don't usually feel like crying. I think it's the pain, tiredness, frustration, stress, Dr T and the fact I am bleeding again and my mixed metformin and the pill isn't working and I have been discharged from the gynecologist. So it looks like another possible referral. I will give it another couple of months before I go back to doc with it and see what happens then. It's only a recent thing so maybe I will wait a bit. Stupid Ovaries and their polycysticness!

I'm going to go be miserable and cry at Casualty then maybe come back upstairs and watch The Pursuit of Happiness! All joy me!

x

Pissed Off

I was having last minute doubts about Sam coming to the appointment with Dr T today but didn't do anything about it. Turns out it wasn't that bad. Although Sam did bring up how paranoid I was when I was in the hyper mood. So the doc starts asking me how paranoid I was and about what. I felt so stupid. I couldn't talk with 2 professionals there. It was too much. So I just quickly said about being sectioned. He asked if there was anything else and I said no. He asked me if I was sure as it didn't look like I was being truthful. So I said about people following me. I said I can rationalise those thoughts but there is always a seed of doubt there and that perhaps it is true. Well actually before I said that I said I didn't want to say as it sounded stupid and I know it's not the case and I didn't want to. But he said how can I help you if you don't tell me. So queue me feeling so stupid and telling him that. I didn't tell him how every time I see a police car I feel they are coming for me. Or that people are tricking me by telling me they are doing one thing but really they are doing another...I'll get to more of that in a bit.


We talked more about when I am feeling as though everything is going fast. And you know what he put it down to...panic state. No. I don't feel panicked. I don't have anything to feel panicky about. Ok, maybe the paranoia makes me feel a bit on edge. But it's nothing massive and I can rationalise with myself. So he said well, what you have described is panic state and that fits in with BPD. I told him again I didn't agree. And queried that with PD isn't it a more rapid cycling of mood. He said not necessary. He goes on to tell me and tried to re-assure me that PD is seen as an illness just the same as bi-polar, depression, schizophrenia. What a load of SHIT!!!!!!!!!! Please remember I have seen MH from both sides. Do not try to fob me off Dr T!

Not just the stigma that comes with that diagnosis but I don't believe that it is the diagnosis. I have more trust in Dr Google than I do him. I don't know how many sources that Dr Google has but all of them disagree with him. On those quiz things, ok I know most of them are for fun but some are to do with the DSM-IV and there is some element of truth in them. But not one that I have done points to PD. I don't know. Maybe because I know there is so much of a stigma that comes with that that maybe is pushing me in the opposite way. He kept going on and on about it being a deep routed thing and will take a lot of work.

I emailed Sam after the appointment saying this to her

"Don't know if I said it earlier but thanks for coming with me today.


I'm still pissed off as I don't think it's an accurate diagnosis and it's all well and good saying not to focus on it but if it's on my records it is what other people will see as soon as they pick up my file. It's not just the stigma etc that is attached to it and what other people see which clouds my judgement but I just don't think it's right. I know I shouldn't put too much faith in Dr Google but from what I have read around it and those stupid tests, which some are based on DSM-IV but not one of them points to PD. "

It just seems as no one is listening to me. How many times do I have to tell them I don't have problems with anxiety or panicking. Actually to be fair I may have said that I do. They ask so many bloody questions and want answers and I am not sure if I have, maybe I haven't that I sometimes feel anxious. I am going to have to say it on Wednesday when I see Sam. I don't think that I am anxious person. Yeah, I get normal anxiety before exams etc but not in general. People have commented on how calm I am before exams presentations and getting marks back. My philosophy is I have not worked as hard as I could have so however I do is a bonus. Or in terms of work and presentations - I have done what I can do so what is the point fretting about it all now. What's done is done and there is no changing it. I don't find anxiety bothers me at all. So why do people fixate on it.

I am going to have to speak to Sam about it as I am just throwing things out there when really, that isn't what it is. I think maybe I am saying things people want to hear. Sam could tell I was feeling pissed off as she grabbed me before she left and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I said no, and I was going home to stew over it.

I think I self harm when I am angry. I self harm when I am pissed off. I know a couple of times I have been so pissed off and I have ended up self harming. I think a lot of it is habit. He was asking about the self harm again and I said it's pretty much every day. He seemed to think it was a good thing that I had not self harmed more since I have been at home more. That shows how much he listens as I have said before, I never self harm in the day and it is late at night. So being on my own all day does not make one bit of difference.

He asked me if I had thoughts of doing anything else. Well, yeah, they are there most the time. But I didn't go in to detail. By this point I was just pissed off and wanted to leave.

I am getting a support worker or a CCO. He wants me to call them rather than self harm. Nope, doesn't work like that for me. If I decide I am going to self harm that is it. Also, I feel it's so ingrained in me that it happens so often that speaking to someone isn't going to help. But, what he did point out which was true was I wont talk to anyone who I don't know. And they will be there between my appointments with Sam. He did say would only be for 2-3 months. I don't see how I am going to get to know someone in that amount of time and trust them for them to be effective, so really what is the point? What if I don't like the person and don't feel as though I can talk to them at all. It's a bit of a waste of time really. I am being very negative aren't I?

So long story short. I am getting a CCO/Support Worker, albeit for a limited time. He has upped the dose of Quetiapine to 300mg. To be taken in one go. That's going to be fun then isn't it? He keeps going on about how is for aggitation and anxiety..."HELLLOOOOOO, have you not listened to a word I have said". I should get some sleep hopefully anyway as not slept the last 3 nights. And that was it. That was a horrible Psychiatrist appointment.

I was going to write about the other paranoia things but this is rather lomg as it is so I will save that for another post.

This bloody appointment has made me so angry. I want to cry when I am angry. I am not going to let this make me cry!

Challenged

I saw Dr T the Psychiatrist today. I wrote a long post and reply on SF so I thought I would just copy and paste it here. I come back to this and read what I wrote previously. (If you are a reader from SF there is more at the end in this colour that is not on SF).

I saw the Psychiatrist. He challenged on my thoughts etc. I found it really hard. I could see what he was doing though. One of the things he said was "you have come and asked for help. But it seems as though you don't actually want it". He meant that I came to appointments and I was asking to be helped but I am not doing anything to help myself. He said the times when I needed help the most I wasn't seeking it out. I think I can deal with things on my own and file the problem away but really I haven't dealt with it. Like on Friday I was feeling bad, agitated, suicidal etc. I thought I had dealt with it but Saturday went to show I hadn't. He asked me why I wouldn't ring crisis team, I was under their care for a reason and how it looked to him was that I wasn't accepting the help that had been offered.


I explained to him that I thought I could deal with things myself and that I felt pathetic at having to ring them when it is minor things that have got me in to a tizzle. I feel that there are people who are in worse situations who deserve their time and I prefer to try and deal with it on my own. I explained how I found it really hard to speak to people on the phone. Especially people I didn't know. That's why these hot lines don't work for me. If I am talking about something personal I need to see their face to gauge their reactions. I can talk about it on here and my blog as it is anonymous. I said I have a thing of where I get to know someone and then rely on them for support. I said I knew it was unhealthy but I struggle to be open and honest with people I don't know. One of the things that worries me about crisis team is having to explain everything. Having a different person each time and having to tell them everything.

He then went on to say that I couldn't just rely on one or two people. What if they are ill, on annual leave etc. I know what he is saying as I could really do with talking to Sam my counsellor about the weekend but I know she is on annual leave. She said text me if you have any problems but I don't want to disturb her time off. It's not fair on her. I would call Mike at PM but there is nothing they can do as they are assessment only. So that leaves me with no one to call and no one to off load on about what went on at the weekend.

Anyway...plan of action...

Clinical Psychology want to work through the counsellor I already see. The Clinical Psychologist supervises a lot of staff already from that organisation. Dr T said there was a good chance she already knew my case as may have been discussed in supervision...but she wouldn't know me by name. So what they are hoping for is the clinical psychologist to lead Sam in what she does with me. This would work a lot better for me as would mean I didn't have to go to the hospital where I have worked numerous times to go see her and have that risk each time I go and I am limited on when I can see people. I have counselling sessions in the evening after work which works and I only have half a day each week as study leave. So fitting it in around that schedule would be hard and could mean I am waiting weeks if not months for an appointment that would come up when I have that half a day off. He also said it would probably be better for me to work like that as it's obvious I find it hard to trust new people and find it hard to build up that relationship to it means I can continue to work with Sam who I know and don't have the stress of the new person thing. He also said if I was to work with the Clinical Psychologist directly I would have to stop seeing Sam as wouldn't work as approaches may be slightly different.

I am being referred to have a key worker/CPN. I asked him for one quite early on in the appointment and he said that was something he was going to discuss with me as he thought that would be beneficial.

He asked me if I would call crisis team when I am struggling. I find it hard to know when I am struggling and what if any triggers are. He asked me if I thought if they should call me and I said that would be better then I don't have the hurdle of picking up the phone.

He said he could tell I was putting up a lot of barriers and that I wasn't doing myself any favours. I told him about trying to kill myself while I was in hospital. He asked me why. I told him why. He challenged me over that saying I had gone to the hospital for the infection in my leg wanting help. I had gone voluntarily so it was obs something I was concerned about. Yet while I am there I tried to kill myself. He asked why then. I explained that I was struggling. I told him I did even try crisis team but I couldn't get through. I had told the nurse I was also.

He said I didn't try hard enough to get through as all I needed to do was call local hospital switch board and asked to be put through. I thought if I did that it would page them (as the person I did speak to at psychiatric hospital switch board said I needed to call local hospital switch board and they would page them) and I didn't want them rushing down thinking I was going to top myself I just wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to speak to someone. I was really freaking and couldn't self harm which I had tried.

I explained that I saw it as an opportunity for it to look like an accident. He then went on about consequences. Who would have paid them. I said no one. As it would have been an accident and he went on to tell me how wrong I was saying that the nurses would have been found negligent and the ward staff and others on the ward would have paid the consequences. So that made me feel bad. I am already feeling bad about what happened over the weekend and had a shit result back on one of my essays. So yeah not good really.

He asked me to throw my needles away. I was honest and said I wouldn't. I said I knew I would cut more if I did and I saw that as being worse as meant that I required services. And that this was stopping me from cutting. I knew I couldn't throw them away. Not yet. I am not sure if I ever will be able to. Even if I come out of this episode then I will need to have them there as a just in case.

So now I suppose I have to wait for crisis team to get in contact. For CPN/key worker referral to go through and for the next time I see Dr T which will be towards the end of March. So no change really. I am still in the same position. I still feel crap and suicidal. It was noticed today also that I was quiet at work. I just blamed it on being tired.

So I don't really know what I can do now. Not seeing Sam until a week on Wednesday as of her annual leave.

I was asked a couple of questions from other members about being challenged and other support groups...
 
At first I wanted to get up and walk out. But I calmed myself down and saw what he was doing. And to be fair to him I could see his point. So I wasn't going to achieve anything by doing that.


Dr T is ok actually. I wasn't keen at first but today my opinion changed of him. I can see where he is coming from and see what he is getting at. And looking at what he is doing from a professional point of view I get it and agree. It's just that I don't like being challenged and can become quite defensive. But in his position I would be doing exactly what he is.

In terms of groups etc...I wont do them. I know I posted yesterday about people asking for help and when people were suggesting things they kept knocking them back. And being in agreement with the person who wrote something quite controversial about a person and I agreed with them. I realise I am being that way also. Having asked for help and not prepared to listen. I have reasons for not doing groups or even going to certain places. The first being is that because of what I am doing and what I have done. I work in social care. I don't want to risk coming across my own service users. I have already experienced meeting service users when I have been in the waiting room at the psych offices. Then I have seen social workers who I have been in contact with through work while I have been waiting. I can't risk people I work with seeing me and either finding out what has been going on. The other thing about groups is I can't talk to people. I can't unless I am in a private place, there is no chance of others over hearing and I know that person. I need to feel some kind of connection to that person for me to be able to tell them anything.

Yes I can tell someone who is from psych medicine, a nurse who I have never met that I self harm, that recently has got worse and I feel low. But that is about as far as it goes. I don't tell people about me. Nothing about my thoughts or what goes through my head. Yesterday with the nurses on 136 suite I was able to tell a little bit more to as I spent 8 hours there. He didn't push me and he was really good...and it was a he!!!! For some strange reason I am able to talk to blokes better than I can women.
I want to build a support circle. Not a social one. This is all private to me. To friends it is scary and they don't understand. It scares them. I don't want to push them away. I did that a couple of years back and went a year without seeing a lot of my friends. I am different to my friends in the fact that I self harm. It's not something I expect them to understand or that I even want them to. I want my friends for going out with, having fun with. I am the strong one. I am the one who has worked in psychiatric places, I am the one who is working towards a career in an area which involves mental health. I am the one they ask advice from. I am the one who is strong. I don't want people worrying about me. I want to be able to talk to someone and not shock them with what I have to say or make them overly worry. For me having worked in psychiatric care I know within those circles self harm and mental health is something that is discussed every day. I have worked with people who have done shocking things (eg..woman's private place also known as a hidey hole - gross I know but some of the stories I have you would never believe), I know in that client group I am normal! I am not over worried about. Mental health is so stigmatised and I don't want my family and friends thinking I am different as they would do if they knew what was going on. I don't want to feel any more "strange" than I already do. It's bad enough me dealing with it without making other people deal with it. I want a professional support circle as within that I am normal. Here I am normal and anonymous.

And to be honest I don't think I have any friends who I could confide like that. I don't have any really close friends any more. I used to. But since 2008 when I cut myself off I have never really got back the closeness and not been able to confide in them. And as awful as it sounds I am embarrassed by myself and the feelings I have.

So tonight. I thought I would try and talking to a friend. I thought I would be able to have a chat properly and try and be honest. See what a good friend I am I didn't even know her grand dad died only last week. I couldn't off load on her when she has that to deal with. This friend Raq, I let her read my diary a couple of years ago and it was after that I cut off contact. I was embarrassed by it. I am embarrassed by myself. So I decided I wasn't going to say anything. She asked me if I had been on any dates recently as we usually have a good laugh about the nutters I have met on line. I just said I haven't even bothered. She asked why not and I just said my head wasn't in the right place. She asked me if I was bad again. I said yeah. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I mentioned the counsellor first and then told her that was seeing a psychiatrist. I haven't said anything else and I changed the subject or gone in to any detail. I don't want to tell people I know. I just don't want to let anyone close to me at the moment.

 The drive helped though. I had the music on really loud and when I was driving along I was screaming out the songs. Especially the Fuck You song by Cee Lo Green. In my own selfishness of being depressed etc I have let my friendships go to pot. They don't even contact me to let me know someone close has died.

I am also in a bit of a mess as I had some marks back today from work I have done at uni. I was expecting a good mark and I only just passed. It's the second essay I have had back. I passed the first one but again only just. I put so much time and effort in and only just passing them. It really makes me wonder if I am cut out to be doing a Masters. In my degree I never really cared that much. I didn't put effort in and would leave doing the essay until the day before it was due in. And I was still getting better marks. I don't mind getting average marks when I don't put effort in. But when I put loads of effort in and still only get average grades it really is making me question if I am doing the right thing. Should I have done the undergraduate course instead? So been feeling shit about that, the psychiatrist appointment and just everything in general really. I don't know how much more I can take. I am starting to feel and think "WHAT IS THE POINT". Yeah sure I will be good at the job, hopefully unless I royally screw up. But there are plenty of other great social workers out there. I am sure some of the ones I am training will be amazing. So I will be one less. So what!

As I said to them in the MHA assessment on Sunday, the course is the one positive thing, the one thing that keeps me going,

Dr T said he was glad I wasn't sectioned. He did say also that being hospital isn't best for me at the moment. At the MOMENT. So does that mean if it carries on it would be?  He also said if I went in it would be a matter of weeks for full assessment. He doesn't know that I spend a lot of time researching methods. He doesn't know it's one of those things that I always think about. It is taking over my life. I have told Sam. But as I don't have a definite plan then she can't say anything to anyone. But if they knew just how much it was going through my head and there is only one thing that is keeping me going then what would they do? I think his biggest concern is that I don't speak to anyone. That I only really speak to Sam about things and I need to learn to ask for help when I am in Crisis Point. I don't want to ask for help when I feel like that. I worry it will be seen as attention seeking. I really don't think I will be calling anyone from that team. If I want to SH I will usually. I really don't know what I am going to do!

Hospital - Pt2

So it’s Sunday night now. I have been listening to Evita. I love it. But it’s usually a bad sign. I usually only listen to it before attempts. Usually when drinking and I sing along. I can’t sing along on the ward though. LOL. Nasty attitude nurse is back on tonight. I think it is her 3rd night on the row so I hope she isn’t in tomorrow. I didn’t think she was in and I was telling my mum about her having an attitude problem. 2 minutes later she walks over with my drug card and puts it right next to me. I think she heard what I said to my mum. I have specifically asked the staff that they are not to leave my drug card by the bed as I have nosey visitors and I don’t want them knowing I am taking anti-depressants and diazepam. She just sort of slammed it down and walked off. I am worried she did hear what I said. Who knows? I suppose I will find out when it comes to meds later.



I am still massively wanting to SH. I think it’s because when they put the cannula back in my first thought was “bloodletting”. I think sub consciously I knew I would be and so I know now I will. I am not sure if this one will bleed though as I tested it earlier and it didn’t seem to want to so I suppose I will find out when I go downstairs. I am not doing it to die. Not tonight anyway.


(I have since been discharged so back to talking in past tense about what happened)


The woman at the side of me was really making me agitated. I really struggled to keep calm. It was making my urges to harm more but luckily as my mum had brought in my lap top that day. I spent a while writing and also listening to music. I watched a film and tried to chill out. Come 12.30am I was still quite worked up and asked to go off ward. I asked the attitude nurse. I was as nice as pie to her and at first she was saying how no one is allowed off after 12am. I reminded her that I was an adult and that it was not a psychiatric ward. I said I was only going for a few minutes to have a cig and just get some fresh air. I said I was aware there were weird people hanging around (I will talk about that in a bit) but I could look after myself and I had my phone, I would be right next to the security office etc etc. In the end she gave in and let me off. I didn't get narky with her at all and was lovely to her.

I did try the cannula to see if it would bleed and it wouldn't. I was quite miffed tbh. I wanted to let.

I did manage to get some sleep surprisingly. I think the diazepam and mirtazapine worked for me last night. I went to sleep at about 1.30am and I got up at 7.30am. I was woken at 6 so that they could put the IV antibiotics through but I slept most the night. The woman in the bed next to me did annoy me a bit but I managed to drown her out with head phones.

So this morning I got up and got showered. I woke up thinking I was actually at home. I also woke up feeling like I had had a load to drink the night before and felt as though I had a hangover. Took me a while to come round. I showered and got ready and left the ward to go call the people about my placement. I then went back to bed for a bit as was feeling quite rough. Come 10am a nurse had come from the tissue viability team. I was surprised it was that quick. I really thought it would be a couple of days.She had a look at the wounds and said although they were quite infected there didn't seem to be a big problem. The bigger wound was smelling again but I think that was as if the dressing they put on to it. But she said she was happy to give me dressings, to finish the course of antibiotics and for me to go home. I then fell asleep again.


I was woken up by someone from PM. I had never seen her before and felt quite wary about her. She hadn't read my notes really and didn't really know what was going on with me. So I was chatting to her for about an hour. I got a little upset but managed to contain it. I don't do crying in front of other people...unless I am drunk then I don't care.
I explained to her that I had seen Nurseman Mike a few times before and I was slowly being able to tell him things. I said I was scared of being totally honest with them as I saw them as a service who was only really there to ascertain whether or not hospital admission was needed. I said baring that in mind, I felt very closed off about what I will disclose to them. I didn't tell her about the removing the cannula end. She asked if I had done anything to the wound to prevent it healing which I haven't in a way but I have by not taking the antibiotics. Even in hospital I was not taking them. I was pretending to but I wasn't. Why? I was already ill. I know I wont take the ones that I have been given either. I don't want to lose my leg, I don't want to be in hospital, I hate being physically ill so why wont I take them. Is it punishment?

Nursewoman Tracey from PM was talking about meditation and all of that shebang. No way am I doing that. It's just not me. I was telling her about my main thing at the moment is the low mood as it is so debilitating. I feel that they go hand in hand and if I can get my mood sorted then the SH will stop. She agreed with me but she also said that there is some innate reason why I have turned to SH. And she agreed with the Psychiatrist (Dr T) that I needed some kind of therapy. She also said she would contact Dr T and let him know she had seen me. She suggested maybe having a Care Coordinator (CCO). I said I thought that would help quite a lot as I am reluctant to call Crisis team to have someone who I don't know each time. I said I really struggle to talk about things with people I don't know and it would be useful for me to have one person I can call when things get bad. One person who knows me and who I don't have to explain everything over and over and over.

We talked about the suicidal feelings and I explained to her how it was on constant loop in my head. I picture different scenarios, picture different methods etc. I said if I was presented with a method that would look like an accident, that wouldn't cause anyone else un-necessary harm (so no jumping in front of cars as the person driving will be affected, same goes with trains...get my drift) and would be easy I would do it. She asked me on a scale of 1-10, 1 being very suicidal and 10 being not at all where would I put myself I said between 3 and 4. She asked me what I thought I could do to bring the number higher and I said I didn't know. I really don't. I feel the only thing going for me at the minute is the course.It's the only way in which I can see a future.

To be honest talking to her didn't really help. I was hoping I would be able to speak to Nurseman Mike. I am starting to be able to get more open with him by giving him a little more each time I see him. I know I need to get something in place as I know I can't use him or rely on him. It is an assessment team not an ongoing care team. They just point me in the right direction, or if they feel you need hospitalisation arrange that. I explained to Nursewoman Tracey that it was a control thing at the moment. That me not making attempts and getting over carried away are because of my family. I took the opportunity Friday night to try and kill myself as there would have been no way that could have been proven as suicide and would have looked like an accident. OK, I know my family would be devastated if anything happened to me. But, if they knew it was suicide then it would be a whole lot worse. I saw that opportunity and took it. I have not actually spoke to anyone about it yet. I wonder if I do (it would be Sam I talked to about it) if I would feel different about it. At the moment I just feel really indifferent. Like "yeah, so what, not really important, nothing of concern, blah, blah, blah". I really am not bothered that I did it. Have I resigned myself to the fact that I am going to be the person to take opportunities like that?


So I was discharged from the hospital and I got home about 3pm. I am so glad to be back. The place was horrible. I didn't like the staff on the ward I was moved to. The whole hospital is dirty and grimy. There was one toilet on the ward that smelt to bad it would actually make me gag each time I went in there. In another there was a sample in a bed plan that was there all day. It was horrible. It was grimy and dirty. I have never really noticed before but it made me feel sick.


Why the hell do they wake you up at such an early time. 6.30am you are being woken up asked if you want a drink. The first day I was moved after I attempted I understood why they would wake me up. You can't expect them to see that amount of blood and just leave me. But the following 2 days. Why????


The food. It's so disgusting. The hospital I am in is one of the biggest hospitals in Europe. There are two really big hospitals very close to each other in this city and there are also many smaller ones within close vicinity. And the food is prepared about 80miles away and delivered to the hospital and then shipped off to the wards. So how long has it been standing for. Gross. I can't believe hospitals of that size do not have their own on site food prep.


The people. I met some really strange and really annoying people. On the AMU ward I was in a bay with people who had a good 50years on me and didn't make sense. When I was moved it was still pretty much the same but at least 3 of them could actually hold a conversation. I would go to the main entrance for cigs and it never ceased to amaze me at some of the people that hang around hospitals. Why does it seem that is is only chavs or scum in general that get ill. There were a group of girls that were always going out for a cig together, they were probably in their early 20's. They were patients as they were always in their PJ's.They used to go out and there was these guys hanging around them also. One of them even brought down his massive Alsatian vicious dog. He could not control it and I was actually quite worried when they came near me with it. You should have heard the language they were coming out with. It was shocking. And I work on psychiatric wards!


Next -

There was this girl who was about 36. She had irreversible liver and pancreatic damage. She was skin and bones, she had sores all over her as she had been in bed so long. And it was due to alcohol abuse. She was an alcoholic at 36. She was basically killing herself. She was being treated on a medical ward for the issues she had, she wasn't very mobile and generally unwell, but due to the alcohol. She wasn't even that bothered by it. It sounds awful, but even if she wasn't an alcoholic she had the entitlement mentality so I don't think she would have a successful person. Her best line was "it's really unhealthy them making us come out in the cold to smoke". She was more worried about the cold than the smoke. Lol. I know I smoke but I don't mind going outside. It's the law. It shouldn't be encouraged as it is so unhealthy and if I continue to smoke I will be a drain on the NHS in the future of the health conditions caused by smoking. She said she had tried rehab 2x but obviously it hadn't been successful. She was saying how she had brought a bottle of vodka in to the hospital with her but it was confiscated by one of the nurses. I talked to her a bit but she was a little odd also. I think the alcohol had killed a few brain cells there.

There was also this girl who was suffering pre-eclampsia, she admitted she was still drinking, she was smoking and just did not seem to have the same social airs that most people have. It really disgusts me to see pregnant people smoking. I hate it. OK, I have not tried to give up before but I would like to think if I wanted to become pregnant I would give up before I tried just to increase my chances. She was going on about what bad mothers some people were and slagging off the social (I kept my mouth shut here about my chosen career path). Sorry, but smoking when pregnant is not acceptable, smoking when pregnant, suffering pre-eclampsia, and the baby has not grown in the past 4 weeks in my books is child abuse. I really hate to see pregnant people smoking. It really is one of my pet hates. She then goes on to say how she is worried about the baby, yet she is there chuffing away on cigs. Another woman joined us who was staying in with her 11month old baby as they were on the wards. She was saying how there was this baby on the ward who as far as she was aware no one had been to visit. She said she was there all the time with her little one as she would not leave her side for long as she lived about 40miles away so she was staying at the hospital. She said that the baby was called Porche. Now the snob in me came out here and I immediately thought this is a case of a no contact order or something as not being funny but most abuse, neglect etc tends to happen in chav class families. It does happen in more middle class but in general it's more the chav class. Everyone then had their 2 penny's worth saying how they would never do that and it's awful and what a bad mother the other person must be etc etc etc. I am just sat there thinking..."this coming from a woman with pre-eclampsia, who has been told strict bed rest as her back waters had already broken and she was only 7 months pregnant but baby had not grown in the last 4-5 weeks, whose legs were swollen, who admitted she was still drinking and she was there smoking. She also made a comment which made it seem that a court order had been placed previously on her as she said something along the lines of that when her child was in hospital the social worker had called up and had said that she was not to be left alone with that child.

I have just spoken to my social worker friend about this and she said how unborn children can also be subject to child protection conferences. So I hope that this woman was having a close eye kept on her.

It really amazes me just how many people are in hospital as of drink related problems. I met this one guy who I could tell he had not admitted to being an alcoholic but he obs was. He was carrying around a bottle of vodka with him and he was being treated for what they thought was alcohol related seizures. The way he was talking you could really tell that he didn't think he had a problem. But you could tell he did.


Maybe I have a problem. But in comparison to some of the people I met, it's hardly a problem at all.


So today was meant to be the first day of my placement. I think being in hospital over the weekend as been quite enlightening. I am going to be working with homelessness teams with people with drug and alcohol problems. Bit miffed I was kept in hospital as was supposed to be my first day today and so I will have to make up a day at the end. I am starting it tomorrow now. I am sure I will have plenty of interesting stories once I get going with it. I am really looking forward to starting and getting my teeth in to it. The team I am going to work for sound brilliant and really relaxed and chilled out.


So that has been my weekend from Thursday to Monday. I have a couple of other ideas for blogs that I may work on soon and also I have counselling appointments which it helps me to write up and going to see Dr T next week at some point.

I know at the end of last year I wrote about being more positive and if anything I have gone the opposite way. Sorry. I know I am a bit crap. I feel as though I have let myself down. But I feel things are getting worse for me. Maybe it's having had 2 weeks off and I have been mulling over what happened at the beginning of those 2 weeks too much. Hopefully I'll pick up once I get in to this placement.

That's all for now though.

x