Saturday, 13 November 2010

Don't Know What To Do.

I don't know what to say. I am going to have a go at writing down how I am feeling so I can try and make some sense of it. Things have got a whole lot worse. Basically about a week ago I inserted a needle in to my arm while I was self harming. I knew I needed to get it out so came up with a plan so that I could inform my parents about it and make it look like it was some accident. I told my mum I felt like I had been stinged by something and when went to look there was something tiny and metal sticking out of it and in my attempt to get it out I pushed it in. So doing this on Thursday I did say it to my mum and she got quite nasty about it. I ran out of the house with a razor and went off somewhere to go self harm.

My mum followed me and I ran off from her. I went to my quiet place where I have been before to SI at night and cut my leg. I didn't realise my mum was out looking for me. I fell asleep and came round in resus in hospital. From what I have been told someone called an ambulance and my mum saw the ambulance and found out it was me inside. Obs she saw the blood and the people told her what I had done. My parents came down to the hospital where apparently the staff told them was not the first time I had been in from self harming. So now they know. They don't know the extent of it, but they know it's current and that there are problems. They are proper freaking as they don't understand SI. They also said it's a miracle I am alive as I would have died of hypothermia had someone not have seen me. I wish I had. I can't deal with them knowing about this.

I refused to see my parents when I came round and I was kept in over night. The next morning the Doc saw me and I told him about my arm. He had a look at it and said couldn't see anything, no punture marks etc and if was still hurting me to go to my GP and they would send me for x-ray, so no further on that one! I feel like I should just leave it. I have mentioned to him that there is something in there as when I tried to get it out it pushed it in. He had a very couldn't care less attitude. So I can't either. The pain makes me feel more also. It's a way of constant being able to SI without anyone knowing.

So, when I got home I got dressed and went straight out. Spent the day at uni. I called the nurse at the hospital who I have seen before and he was horrible. Just basically said there is nothing I can do. I needed re-assurance. I told him what had happened the night before and he was quite off with me. So I won't be calling him again. He just said I am in control and I control what happens. I said I felt as though I was losing control and needed help. I said I was worried about the suicidal feelings and he said he was glad I was worried as meant I was aware of them and could do more to control it. He said I wasn't under him as a patient so there was nothing he could do and wouldn't really be worth him seeing me again as there was nothing he could do.

So get back from uni and I am summoned in to the dining room by my Dad. He said I needed to get help and that it was selfish etc. That I should consider other people and did I know how much hurt I had caused? Also got phone call from my brother telling me to go round to his house today to talk to him. He said it was obs I was depressed and needed to see someone. I thinks I should go to counselling or something. I didn't tell him much about the self harming as I really don't like talking about it with people I know. It's my thing. It stays in my head. I don't do talking about feelings and why etc. He just kept saying if no one had found me I would have been dead and how someone found me where I was is a miracle and he said it looked like a suicide attempt.

I really can't deal with people knowing about this. I am pissed off with the hospital for them mentioning about previous self harm. I am not a child (26), what right do they have divulging my personal medical history. I know some of you will thinks it's good that family now know. It's not. It's the worst thing possible. I know I am going to get lectured by them and they don't understand. They will get nasty saying I am just attention seeking. So now I am feeling the worst I have done yet in this episode. I want to self harm more and I would say I actually do feel suicidal now. I really don't know what to do with myself. I am feeling so low and so anxious.

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