Thursday, 27 September 2012


I'm so bloody anxious and on edge tonight. I must have smoked about 20 cigs in the space of a few hours. I don't know what's got in to me. I can't sit still and the urges are massive but I am doing all I can to avoid doing anything. I feel sick and having chest pains because of it. It's horrible. I need something. But I don't have anything. I really could do with some PRN. In hospital I never used to ask for it unless I felt I couldn't deal with things and now I feel is one of those times that I would have asked for it. Other times it was forced on me when they felt I needed it, one time just for crying! IM'd and restrained for crying. Ridiculous!

I thought writing may help but it isn't. I can't make my brain function enough to be coherent or string anything of any use together.

This will probably be another night of no sleep. Bloody brilliant!

Wednesday, 26 September 2012


They're going to hold a meeting about me. Dr T (my consultant psychiatrist), Beth (the CPN), the psychologist and my OT. It's about my self harm and for them to get together to discuss it. They are going to decide when and when not to inform my parents of when I may have done something.

I went to see the CPN today and it had me in tears. I don't usually do that. But I couldn't help it. I wanted clarification on when and when they wouldn't be informing others. She said she couldn't say for sure at the moment as was quite a lot of grey areas, but it would generally be if was seen to be life threatening. So I asked her if I cut and it required stitches would they be informing anyone and she said it's a possibility if it was serious as would have to take in to account if it became infected or anything like that. I asked if I did something but I looked for help and then it was no longer deemed life threatening and she said she didn't know. So I am not really any closer on finding anything out.

I hate the idea they are all getting together and having a meeting about me. She said she will let me know the outcome but I am not due to see her for another 4 weeks now. She said she felt that I didn't find seeing her beneficial and she doesn't want me to feel worse for seeing her. I feel it is beneficial seeing the OT and psychologist so will carry on seeing those on a regular basis. She said she is going to work in more of a coordinator way so I will get the therapy and beneficial input from psychology and OT. I see the psychologist the day after their meeting but I got the impression that it's not really his place to be telling me what is going off. So who knows when I will be given more clarification. What I do know is that if anything does happen I won't be talking to anyone about it. Just in case.

She also told me that my Mum had tried calling her a couple of weeks ago saying she was worried about me but she didn't get to speak to her just the duty worker. The duty worker didn't tell her anything and this was before I disclosed to the psychologist about swallowing the needle and razor. So there was nothing in my notes about anything so nothing was said. I asked what would happen if she called again now that they do know and the CPN said that she would say she was concerned about the ongoing risks and that would be about it.

I am so worried I am going to end up in hospital again. I don't think I have made any progress since coming out. I have tried to put things in to place like starting new activities etc but at the last minute I chicken out as I can't face the anxieties and going in to a new situation. Tomorrow I am supposed to be starting a book club but I just don't feel I can make my way into an already established group. The singing and mandarin are different as everyone is in the same boat by not knowing anyone but I keep having really negative thoughts about starting badminton group and book club. I can't do it. I know I need to be filling my time doing productive things but I can't do it.

I can't sleep at the moment and it's really getting to me. I said this to her and she just said about the importance of being in a routine with sleep about going to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time. I try to be ready for sleep between 12 and 1am but I don't usually get to sleep until about 5 and then I wake up loads and not properly sleep just dozing. Come 11 I get up as I give up on getting any decent sleep. There's just no way I could get up at 8-9am like they are suggesting. I know lack of sleep can have a big impact on what I do and how it affects my moods. I don't know whether to go to my GP and ask for some zopiclone or to leave it a bit longer. I don't want to waste my time (and his) going for him to say no. I don't know if it needs to come from the psychiatrist. Maybe I should just phone the CPN and ask her if she will ask Dr T if he will prescribe some for me. I can't go on like this.

Now with this meeting looming over me I feel really anxious as well. I hate it.

We also talked a bit about why I won't talk to my parents about how I am feeling and I can't explain why I can't and again "I don't know" was the catchphrase of the appointment. People keep saying to me how do I know it will make things worse if I won't give it a go. But I know it will. My Mum already thinks I am mental, she has said so much. So it's just not going to go in my favour really. Also I know from past experiences where I have confided in her about anything it gets turned around on me and is held against me. I am not going to put myself through that. All the professionals seem to think I should be telling them when I self harm and that I have suicidal thoughts but they just don't get it. I know I don't do a great job of explaining things and it probably goes against me. Also, they've only really seen the supportive side and not the side I see. I can't win can I?!

So, maybe the psychologist will tell me a bit about the meeting when I see him next Thursday but I'm not expecting him to. So I will just have to wait it out.



Tuesday, 25 September 2012

Does This Ring True To Anyone????

Check This Out...

And these are the lyrics.

It started with a low light
Next thing I knew they ripped me from my bed
And then they took my blood type
It left a strange impression in my head
You know that I was hoping
That I could leave this star crossed world behind
But when they cut me open
I guess I changed my mind

And you know I might
Have just flown too far from the floor this time
Cause they're calling me by my name
And the zipping white light beams
disregarding bombs and satellites
Oh that was the turning point,
That was one lonely night

The star maker says it ain't so bad
The dream maker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says everybody look down
It's all in your mind

Well, now I'm back at home
And I'm looking forward to this life I live
You know it's gonna haunt me
So hesitation to this life I give
You think you might cross over
You're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea
You better look it over
Before you make that leap

And you know I'm fine
But I hear those voices at night
they justify my claim
And the public don't dwell on my transmission
Cause it wasn't televised
But it was the starting point
On a lonely night

The star maker says it ain't so bad
The dream maker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says, everybody look down
It's all in your mind

The star maker says it ain't so bad
The dream maker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says, everybody look down
It's all in your mind

My global position systems are vocally addressed
They say the Nile used to run from East to West
They say the Nile used to run from East to West

I'm fine ,
But I hear those voices at night

The star maker says it ain't so bad
The dream maker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says, everybody look down
It's all in your mind

The star maker says it ain't so bad
The dream maker's gonna make you mad
The spaceman says, everybody look down
It's all in your mind

It's all in my mind (x6).

What's your interpretation on it? Is it just me or is it quite close to the bone?

Monday, 24 September 2012

Getting By...Just

I went to see the Psychologist on Thursday. I meant to write on Thursday while it was all fresh in my mind but I didn't and I have slept since then, and consumed alcohol. Not copious amounts, but enough to make me fuzzy. More on that in a bit.

So, he said he wished he had been more forceful with the whole making me go to hospital thing for the needle. He said he had to tell the CPN what had happened and again explained why he would have needed to call my parents if I do anything life endangering. He asked me if I had done anything else (and I haven't) but he seemed to have trouble believing me and asked me to look him in the eye to tell him. I didn't say as much as that I just wouldn't say anything if anything happens again in the future but we talked about it a bit and he said along the lines of by now we should be at that stage where I can trust him enough to be able to tell him if I have. I won't be though. Not when there has been a team decision made that if I say anything again about serious self harm or failed attempts then it has to be reported to my parents as I live with them and they are classed as my carers. And that if I did do something like swallow a needle again, told them and then it killed me. They could then be held liable because they hadn't done anything about it. I kind of get their point, but it does leave me in a position where if anything happens I know now I won't be talking about it.

We talked quite a lot about how my parents, mainly my mum's drinking is affecting me. I said I am doing what I can to avoid being around them by hanging out in my room, but even this doesn't work as I still have to listen to it and he said I am in a constant state of hypervigilence which is not good for me. I can't really win. I know isolating myself away is not good for me and can trigger episodes but at the same time I don't really want to be around them. Again it was suggested that I move out. I explained about how I didn't want to give up on the going travelling idea as that is what got me out of hospital by giving me some hope and another direction. There is also the issue of when I go back to uni I won't be able to afford to live away from home so would need to move back in then anyway. He asked if I would be able to ask my parents for support in rent etc while I am at uni if I explain to them how living at home affects me. I said not as there are a number of reasons. First I don't think it's fair that I get more than my brothers ever got. I know at the moment I get a better deal than them and always have and I feel doing this would take the biscuit. Another is that although asset wise my parents are very well off cash wise it can be a struggle sometimes if for instance a couple of the properties they own become vacant and they can be down around £1000 per month. If they were paying my rent for me and they were in this situation it could leave them quite short and I wouldn't want them to feel that they can't do what they want to do to support me. I don't want to be a burden.

We also talked about some of the urges I get and he asked me to explain in more detail. So I said I keep getting urges to try and end it by overdosing and when I go shopping it can put me into a bit of a panic attack as I see the pills and the urge is so strong and I don't know if I can resist. I consider not taking my meds and storing them and taking those. I know tricylic antidepressants can be dangerous and being as though that is one of my medications I think about that quite a lot. In fact nearly every night as I am taking them I consider skipping it and saving them. Or just taking the whole lot in one go. But at the moment I don't have enough anyway. He asked me if I want to die. And the honest answer is I don't know. I am struggling to see a future. I know that much. I don't know what kind of future I can have. I can't see myself settling down, getting married, having kids, having a job, and in general having a pretty normal life. All I can see is cycles of the same thing. He then had a go at me for seeing the glass as half empty. He said to tell myself when I am in a depressive state to tell myself that it will end as from previous experience it has done. I said yeah that's all well and good but I also know that the whole depressive state will come around again. So he said he will do some DBT work with me next time over all of this. So I've got that to look forward to...not!

 I know I am a pessimist. My friends take the piss out of me for it. I was even having a conversation the other night with a friend and I was saying I was nervous about going out next Saturday. I'm going to a gig of one of the guys who worked on the PICU ward who I really liked and I said when they next played locally I would go see them and he said I should. I said I was worried as will be really weird for me as there will probably be other staff from the ward there and I don't want a fuss being made if they see me. The worrying about this makes me not want to go. But on the other hand the band sounds quite good and I would like to go see them. She kept asking me what was the worst that could happen and I gave a massive list in response and she asked how likely it was if they do. She also reminded me that they have seen me at my worst, seen me pissed, seen me throw up, seen me cry and seen me hysterical. She said I need to be more positive about it and stop being so pessimistic.

I have been out drinking a few times since I have come out of hospital. I think I have grown up a bit. I am controlling what I drink a lot more as I don't want to lose control. I don't want to be that girl who falls flat on her face as she has had too much and suffers from embarrassment the next day. Also, I don't want the hangover the next day. I can't deal with them. I am a bit worried as well that if I drink too much I will end up doing something that will get me into trouble or landing me back in hospital or on a 136 because of the way I feel and when drunk I lose rational thought and am more likely to act on impulse. I was coming back from my friends house through town the other week in a cab and I was quite sober and I was watching people falling all over the place, stumbling around in heels they can't walk in and clothes that make them look like hookers. Then add the combination of alcohol and falling over, I just thought I never want to be like that again. Not like I dressed like that or wear shows like that but you get where I am going with it.

I went out with the girls on Saturday and we ended up in this club that was just full of kids. I lasted half an hour. The music wasn't even music it was just noise. How anyone can enjoy that I don't know. Another friend left with me at the same time and we were talking how we just don't enjoy it anymore. I said I never really had unless the music was exactly what I liked. Indie and Rock and maybe a bit of cheese. And I have realised now that part of the reason I used to get in to the state I used to get into was because I wasn't having a good time so I would drink more. Or I would drink because I was going through a shit time. But I hope now I have learnt if I am not having a good time to just leave and save myself the money. Also, when I am having a shit time of things not to drink to excess as I am more likely to put myself in harms reach. I have been that person that someone has called an ambulance for as I have gone unconscious through drink. I have ended up in the resus area of the ED because of drink. I am not going to be that person anymore.

So I see OT tomorrow. I am not really sure what they want to see me for as I think I am kind of managing now. I have started singing classes, signed up for Mandarin classes, am joining a badminton club, playing badminton with friends and joining a reading group. The psychologist went a bit overboard with his enthusiasm when I told him about this but it could have been genuine. He seems a pretty genuine guy and if it was it was pretty sweet really. But, I am seeing my CPN on Wednesday which I am dreading as I know she will want to talk about the whole needle incident and go over things again and possibly why I didn't tell her when she asked if I had done anything. I am going to get clarification on what incidents would need to be reported and what wouldn't. And say for instance if I did something that could be classed as life endangering but then I went to the hospital on my own accord and then it was found to be ok, would my parents still need to be informed? In a round about way I need a list of when and when they won't be informed. I need to know what I can and can't disclose. Obviously it would be better if I don't do anything. And, it's not as though I am planning on anything. I don't want it to be seen as a what I can and can't do list if that makes sense.

I am really struggling with the urges at the moment though. I don't know why I haven't done anything more than blood letting every couple of days. I really want to. It's pretty massive. It keeps me awake at night and makes me anxious. I honestly don't know how I haven't done anything. Maybe some of it is I am worried someone will walk in on me as I am not given much privacy at the moment. Also if I do do anything it's not as though I can just sneak off to the hospital to get stitched up or what ever without questions being asked of where I am going. At least before when I was having to go to hospital whether it be for stitches, various infections, x-rays or what ever I could just say I was going to the uni library or some other excuse. But being as though I don't have much of a life at the moment I can't get away. So, maybe this has an impact on it as well. I suppose we will see next week when I am left on my own for the week.

Finally, I've just joined Netflix where you can watch films online. Can anyone recommend any good feel good, happy films?


Thursday, 20 September 2012

Appointment with Psychologist Tomorrow

I am really nervous about it. It feels a bit weird after all that has gone on since last time I saw him and him getting my CPN involved. I know he had to and it's not as though I am angry at him or anything but he will probably want to talk about it.

I've got a couple of things I want to talk about with him. The first being that the suicidal thoughts are still as bad as ever and I am doing more to keep busy and trying to get into a routine. I am doing more so I have a sense of worth and purpose. I am going out each day to do the shopping and then cooking the family meal at night. I am running errands that need doing.

Before I was doing fuck all and some days not showering or getting dressed. At least if I am going out every day it is forcing me to get showered, dressed and put make-up on. I have enrolled on a singing course, which I started today. It was ok. It is all about building confidence and I read somewhere that singing releases endorphins and serotonin so thought it may be worth a shot.

 I have also enrolled on a Mandarin course which I will start in a couple of weeks. And I have been looking at volunteering opportunities and have shown interest in a few. I will be starting to attend monthly meetings at one from next month and am trying to get references for another. It's a bit hard getting professional references when I have been in hospital for the last year so I haven't really got anyone to ask. So may have to knock that one on the head. Which disappoints me as is the one I was most interested in doing.

I have been to my local leisure centre and registered with them so that I can use their gym and classes as part of the whole exercise releases endorphins and serotonin etc, and it may make me feel better about myself if I can get fitter. I have been to spin class tonight which nearly killed me but it was good. Although the chocolate and popcorn I had when I got home kind of got rid of the point in doing it. And, I am joining a badminton group so I will be playing at least once a week, maybe more if I can get my friends to play with me. Which they should do as they enjoy a game also.

Finally I have joined a reading club. Maybe a bit geeky, but I love reading and I think it may be nice to meet new people who also have similar interests as me and to get together over a glass of wine and chat about the book.

I have tried to plan things so that I will be doing something every day. Something to ensure that I get out of bed, get showered, put make-up on and get out the house. I am also trying to get myself excited about my trip to Asia next year by trying to get quotes on flights and making it a bit more realistic, but even when I got a price which was cheaper than I thought it would be, it's still not doing much for me.

Yet, despite me being quite busy for the last week or so I am still feeling as bad as I was before. The thoughts are really strong and they keep me awake at night. I lie there imagining and playing out scenarios of my own death in my head. The psychologist wants me to talk about these tomorrow and I am not sure how I feel about it as it all seems very personal and I don't know if I can be that open and go in to that much detail. I also have the worry that it may go further or worry people. I think it's pretty obvious I am not coping well out of hospital and I am worried that they will want me to go back in.

I think I am quite stressed at the moment also. This is mainly to do with my mum's drinking. It's getting out of hand. There was last Wednesday when there was that incident which I wrote about, then they go to the pub again on Thursday night (which I later had a go at my Dad about), Friday night another couple of bottles of wine even though they were looking after the kids, Saturday night they went to a party which my Dad came home from as my Mum started getting argumentative and paranoid and spoiling for a fight. When he got home he told me the same thing had happened the night before also. Sunday they had another couple bottles of wine. Monday a night off. Tuesday night (last night) I hear her fall over downstairs after drinking more wine and a massive argument this morning where my Dad was shouting at her about her behaviour as she was obviously doing the same thing last night. My Dad said she needs to accept that he thought she had left him permanently, and to be fair to him it looked like that. Spending thousands of pounds on furniture and moving out (taking a years lease on a property). I didn't her the argument last night, I don't know how as I don't think I would have been asleep that long before it kicked off. Unless my Dad knowing what was likely to happen went in the front bedroom which I can't hear from my room. It's ridiculous. I hate the tension there is when they have been drinking. I said to my Dad Saturday night why the hell did he agree to go to the pub knowing what happens when she drinks too much and after a massive kick off the night before.

I went out on Sunday for dinner with my friend and my phone rung. I knew before I answered it it would be them asking me to stop and get wine on the way home. My friend laughed at me when I said this but then when it turned out to be true she kind of got where I was coming from. I was saying to her I don't like it when they drink as I don't know what I am going to be walking in to. I can't control it and it's the uncertainty.

I briefly mentioned it to my OT worker on Tuesday saying I thought that there was an alcohol problem and she gave me a couple of options. One was to move out, to which I said I can't as I want to go back to uni next year and can't afford uni and to be renting somewhere. I am also a bit reluctant to spend money on furniture and setting up house if I am to leave it a few months later to move back home when starting uni. Also I can't go travelling if I move out which as I said before I believe it was the prospect of this that got me out of hospital as I was no longer so blind sighted by one thing and if that didn't happen my whole world would have fallen apart. Again. Another option was to talk to my Mum about her behaviour and tell her that it was upsetting and stressful for me and was not a positive thing in my recovery. She said that this could be done by just me on my own or arranging family mediation possibly with the psychologist. I said that this would just make things worse for me as I would be called selfish and would just further her opinions of me that I am weak minded, emotionally unstable and mental. So in the end she said I needed to find someway of dealing with it all as the event made me want to self harm even more and the only reason I didn't was because of the environmental constraints, not because I stopped myself from doing so. She said that this would probably build up until a time when I can self harm and it will be serious. She is probably right. She said the best way of dealing with it would be to speak to my psychologist about it and come up with some ways. So this is another thing I will be speaking to him about tomorrow.

I've got quite a lot to take in to the appointment tomorrow. So at least when he asks me what I want to talk about I don't just say "I don't know". I'm so conscious of it as it seems to come out of my mouth a hell of a lot. He'll ask me a question and I'll just reply with "I don't know". I must drive every one mad with it. It's my catchphrase.

Anyway. I'm tired, cold and need a cig. So fag and bed it is.


Friday, 14 September 2012

Follow Up From The Phone Call

So the CPN called me back today and had quite a long conversation with her. The most important thing that came out of it was that she said she wasn't going to inform my parents. Well, the psychologist wouldn't inform my parents because being as though it was him I disclosed it to it would have been him that would have had to have done it.

I basically told her that I had been to the ED, waited ages to see a doc to just be told that it was so long ago that it would have passed by now and if it was going to have done anything it would have done by now. And that was it. No follow up. No questions asked. I could have probably got away with not going and said I had.

We had a bit of a chat about the breaking confidentiality thing and I said I was pissed off as if I lived on my own it wouldn't even be an issue and they wouldn't even consider telling anyone else if I had done something. I said to her that if anything happens again in the future it now means I wont be talking to anyone about it and she said that was my choice and they are aware that it would affect the therapeutic relationship I have with everyone.

I didn't go into detail about what happened Wednesday night but skirted over the subject and mentioned that that was another reason I couldn't have them breaking confidentiality and she said I should move out if I felt like that and they could help me with tenancy support etc. She said there were other options like talking to my Mum about how her behaviour affects me and I said that I honestly thought that this would make it worse and would be a waste of time. Also, I have to think about going to uni again. If I am going back next year I need to be living at home as I won't get any support with rent once I am a student again. So if I move out, I can't be at uni. There is also the issue that there is some safety net with living at home. On some level it's keeping me safe. Well, safer than I would be living on my own where I am not being watched. I know if I lived on my own I would get into a spiral where I sleep 16 hours a day, self harm most nights and go back to attempting every weekend again like it was in 2007-2008. The CPN said I'm hardly keeping myself safe at the moment anyway so I need to think about it. Part of me wants to move out just so I have the freedom to do what I want in terms of self harm. Hardly a healthy way of looking at it.

In the end we agreed I would discuss all my options with the psychologist when I see him on Thursday. Beth will have probably written notes about our conversation which he will have read and I will be able to go over everything with him when I see him. I sometimes feel that seeing him once a fortnight isn't enough. But being as though he is not supposed to be seeing me at all I don't feel that I can ask for more. He is the inpatient psychologist and I am a special case because no one I have worked with so far has been able to get anywhere with me and we have a good relationship. So I suppose I need to feel lucky that he is even seeing me at all. Especially when there are waiting lists as long as your arm to get in with a psychologist.

So I will be grateful and take all I can get from them as the one thing I am happy with is the psychologist.


The Telephone Call Came

So Beth the CPN called me today. I thought I had got away with it. She started by saying that the cutting and blood letting weren't serious but the swallowing stuff was. Because of that she was going to have to break confidentiality and inform my parents as I was living in their care and it wouldn't be right if any thing happened and they had known and nothing had been done about it. She said she was worried that if it killed me and my parents had found out that services had known that my parents would say they should have been informed. Queue big panic and begging. She said she had not made the decision on her own but had spoken to senior social workers, senior doctors and other staff about it and was a team decision they felt was in my best interests.

As a last ditch attempt I said I would go to hospital to get checked out if it meant she wouldn't inform anyone and she said that this would be ok. So tonight, I have spent 5 hours at the ED waiting to see a doctor to be told in a very nice way (and no for once I am not being sarcastic, he was nice and listened to me) that because it was 3 weeks ago there was no point in x-raying me as by now it would have passed through me and if it hadn't it would have caused damage by now so they wouldn't waste their time and my time by making me go for x-ray for it to show nothing. He asked me a lot of questions about my health over the past few weeks and he was happy and apologetic for having me wait 5 hours to see him to be told in 5 minutes that basically I was right and hadn't really needed to go in.

I'm still not happy though. I don't think this will be good enough for her. I think she wants an x-ray with proof. I spoke to the doctor at the ED a bit about why I had come down so long after and her saying she was going to break confidentiality. He seemed quite angry on my behalf saying she couldn't do that even though I lived at home and they were my next of kin/nearest relative/carers. I need more clarification on this. I doubt it, but do any mental health prof bods read this or anyone who knows quite a bit of info on this area and can give me guidance? I am going to have to tell her what the doc said. The thing is because of patient confidentiality the ED won't give my medical details to anyone else. So even if she called up they wouldn't be able to tell her anything so she will just have to take my word on it. I wonder if they could at least confirm if I attended the ED? So even though I attended the ED and did what I said I would, I can't see her keeping to her side. I suspect even though I did this she will still tell my parents.

I really don't have a good relationship with her as a CPN. And now even how can I feel I can be open and honest about what has been going on and how I feel with the psychologist when he will report back to her or put it in my notes which she has access to.

I feel let down. I probably shouldn't but I can't help feeling that way. I don't feel let down by the psychologist, I don't think I do anyway. But yet again, the by the CPN. I've spent a very anxious 5 hours of today in the ED. I hate the place. It was busy, noisy and not what I needed on top of what happened last night!

Last night was awful. My mum got wasted. I was in bed and she stormed into my room. I told her to get out as I wasn't going to talk to her while she was pissed so she left but didn't close the door. I closed it which she didn't like so came storming back in shouting loads of abuse at me. I screamed for her to get out my face, that she should go to bed as she was making a fool of her self and she was looking after the kids in the morning. This didn't go down well so she starts screaming at me more and looks as though she is going to hit me. So I grab her by the arm and guide her out and stand holding my door closed while she is trying to break it down shouting loads of abuse at me saying things like you're mental, you have no responsibility etc etc. This wakes my Dad up who shouts at her as what she is saying to me is uncalled for and she starts laying in to him saying everyone fucks around. He fucked someone else (it wasn't really an affair as my Mum had actually left him at the time and it was while she was moved out of the house, not sure if I have talked about it before) and I fuck everyone. Not really sure what she meant by this. I could hear her shouting at him about me saying how she'd come to see me while I was in hospital and basically horrible derogatory things about me. I got an apology this morning, which is more than usual when she gets like that but if I am honest it was a shit apology. The thing is with me I can't stay angry at people. So within 30minutes of her being up things were back to normal.

I was beside myself but I wasn't going to let her see. My Dad came to see if I was ok and I didn't even let him know I was upset. I think they both have alcohol problems. My Mum probably more than my Dad. He jokes and says he only drinks to stop my Mum drinking it all. And, if I am honest I can see some truth in this. As I have done it myself when she has come back with 2 bottles of wine. Also, although he is an annoying drunk, he tends to just fall asleep after a while. My Mum on the other hand is another kettle of fish. When we came back from Europe we came back with over 30 bottles of wine. Within 8 days that was down to 8 left. Two weeks later there is none left.

I have said to the psychologist and other staff in the past that I knew the day would come where it would be thrown in my face and I would be made to feel like shit. That I would be made to feel as though I was the biggest disappointment and had let everyone down by daring to have mental health problems. I don't think they got what I was on about but I think last night illustrates it perfectly.

This is another reason I don't want the CPN telling my parents anything as it just adds more fuel to the fire. Do I make sense? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I being over sensitive to things?

And then tonight. They even after last night. They both go out drinking to the pub. I made sure I got into bed well before they got back so I wouldn't have to face them. Luckily though it sounds as though they have gone to bed with no dramas. But honestly though, if I was my Dad I would have suggested a night in tonight. I feel sorry for him how she laid in to him, and he said it happens quite a lot. But why encourage drinking?

That's all from me anyway.



Friday, 7 September 2012

Waiting By The Phone

I am now over paranoid. Even though Psychologist called me this morning. I was waiting for a phone call as I expected it to come even if he hadn't told me he'd be in contact. He said he had been in contact with a friend of his who works in the ED and he said that his friend had said what I had basically said. That it was 2 weeks ago when I last swallowed anything and if it was going to cause any damage it probably would have done by now and by all likely accounts they would have passed through my system by now. So I didn't really need to go to hospital unless I started to experience any pain or problems.

I should have asked him if he had spoken to Beth my CPN as she is the one I am most worried about. I am half expecting her to call me and I am getting paranoid about it. I am worrying what she will say or do. I don't know why I didn't. The call coming from the psychologist kind of threw me off balance a bit as I was expecting it to be Beth and I was watching the kids while I was on the phone and my Mum was just upstairs.

On another note, I went to visit my GP this morning to get some meds. He said he was really pleased to see me as it had been a long time and was nice to see me out of hospital and that he hoped that this time it was for good. Then he went on to say how it had made his day seeing me...bless.

If I've not heard anything by the end of the day I doubt that I will. I am seeing OT next week and hopefully they can help me with routine and getting motivated. I just can't seem to do it myself. Going out for dinner with a friend later at least so it gets me out and is something to do at least. It should go well.


Thursday, 6 September 2012

Psychology Today

Well, I told him everything. Hopefully things will work out ok, but at the end of the day it comes down to my CPN who he said he has to inform. He said he was worried that I hadn't been to hospital for the swallowed objects and asked me if I would consider going to the ED for an x-ray to which I said no. He came straight out and asked me if I wanted to die and I said it was something I had been thinking a lot about recently. He asked if I had made any plans and I told him that I did have one but not any more. I kept saying how I didn't want to go back in to hospital and he said he didn't think it would be best for my recovery, whether or not Beth agrees with him, and it's her decision, who knows.

I told him about the thoughts being on a loop and always being there no matter what I do and I am finding I can't live like it. He said it's because I don't have any routine and I am not doing anything. He said I need to fill my time so that the thoughts can be turned down a little. I explained how even when I was busy they were there and then were just worse when I got in to bed at night and I kept playing out scenarios in my head of how I could end everything. He has some point that the less I do the less I feel like doing anything. But, I don't really have an awful lot to do. He said by next time he sees me he wants to have seen me making more of an effort with getting in to a routine and doing little things each day like getting up at the same time, taking the dog for a walk, looking in to voluntary work. At least now I have the use of a car so I can go to some places. I drove to the appointment today and is the first time in nearly a year since I drove. I loved it. It's such a sense of freedom. And I only stalled once, but that was cos it's a car I have never driven and am not used to the clutch on it.

I explained how I struggled to see a future and that going travelling and going back to uni seemed unlikely as I didn't think I would be around. He seemed surprised at this as in the past I have put everything on going back to uni and it was my idea of going travelling that seemed to turn things around for me.

I am really worried about what Beth my CPN is going to say. Especially after I lied to her and told her I hadn't acted on any of the thoughts on self harm etc. It will probably be tomorrow he tells her. I suppose I don't have to worry too much that he is worrying as he followed me out the car park so it's not as though he went back and started making phone calls. I told him how I had re-read my blog and could see that my thoughts and feelings were the same as they were back when I have been quite bad and I said I was worried about that.

He said next time we are going to work on how I get the thoughts on a loop and work out scenarios so to be prepared to talk about it. I am kind of nervous about it really. It seems very personal. It's my inner most darkest thoughts and feelings. So seeing him again in two weeks. I see him before I see anyone else so I suppose unless Beth or Dr T (my community consultant psychiatrist who I can't stand) calls me summoning me in I will find out from him what has been said and what will be done with what I have told him. He said that he doesn't expect that I won't self harm. But he would hope that I do it safely and not kill myself cos if I do "I'll be in a fucking load of trouble", which he said laughing and then he said not just that but he wants to make sure I'm ok also.

I went in to the appointment really anxious and shaking and really uptight but being able to talk to him by the end of it I was a lot more relaxed. I am so lucky that I have someone that when I have talked to them I feel better about things. I used to get that with Sam also but more so with him. I've never been able to be really open with people before and I like that I can do that with him and how he puts me at ease. I don't like how he reads my emotions so well, don't get me wrong, it's good he can do it but it doesn't mean I like it! He made me promise that I would see him again in two weeks and that I wouldn't do anything in the mean time to end it and I said I wasn't planning on it.

Now I just gotta try and do what he says. If it doesn't work, at least I can say I tried and we can try a different approach!


Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Psychology Tomorrow

Kind of dreading it, kind of feel I really need it to have someone I trust and can talk to to talk to. But I know I am going to have to be honest with him as he reads me really well and will be able to see through any lies I try and spin. So it means telling him about all the self-harm that has happened over the past few weeks since I last saw him.

It started while I was in Europe. I was feeling shit before I went anyway and then one night I cut quite badly. It probably needed suturing but there was no way I was able to have it done as I didn't want my parents to find out and I didn't want to pay fees to see a doctor or have to explain to a doctor what has been going on. I stopped myself from going further when I thought it was too deep and required sutures. But the way of stopping myself was by swallowing the razors. Stupid.

So then I start blood letting again. While I am in the shower as don't want to leave any trace of it. Just 5 or so minutes at a time but enough to get that relief and rush. Then one night in the middle of the night I can't sleep as of toothache and no painkillers as the pharmacies had stupid opening times then the only thing you could get was paracetamol or ibuprofen (in Switzerland, can get better in France) and I was getting really frustrated. So I go to the toilet in the middle of the night to let but I couldn't get a vein. Got so frustrated that I snapped up the needle and swallowed it. I don't know what I was thinking. Last time I did this it required me to be on a medical ward for 12 days and a massive operation where I now have a scar going from my belly button to my chest. Not to mention the pain I went through. And I was over a 1000 miles from home. I was so stupid. Luckily nothing came of it and it didn't cause any problems, but I was so stupid.

I've only got one needle left now and I keep reusing it to let with when I am in the shower. I know I risk infection but I don't think I can stop and I feel it's keeping me going.

My CPN, Beth came to visit yesterday and I couldn't tell her anything. She asked if I had acted on my feelings as she had read the notes of when I saw the Psychologist and I lied and said no. I couldn't tell her. I don't trust her that much and I worry she will tell my parents or make me come back in to hospital. She doesn't know me very well and makes assumptions where as the psychologist doesn't. I have spent many an hour with him over the past 8 months and we have a good working relationship. I know when the psychologist asks me if I have acted on my feelings if I say no he will see straight through me.

I have re-read all my blog over the last couple of days to see if I can see any patterns and just to get an idea of how things have gone for me. I can see that I have been quite ill at times and I am worried that I am now as of the thoughts that I have been having. The thoughts of suicide and self harm are consuming me. I spend hours imagining different scenarios in my head and it keeps me awake at night. I was in bed until 4pm today with it all going through my head also. I did have a plan for October time but I have had to cancel it because of my dog as I will be solely responsible for her and I don't want her to come to any harm if I am not around to take care of her. So I suppose in a good way I am being left in charge of her while parents go on holiday as it will stop me from doing anything while they are gone. I've started looking up methods on the internet again which I know now is a sign I am entering crisis point. But, there is no way I can go back in to hospital. I was in practically a year bar those 4 weeks I was out October last year. I know if I end up back in I'll end up at Out of Town Hospital on the PICU where Fingers is and I couldn't cope with that. So I have to keep quiet about how I feel. I can't risk that.

While I was in hospital it was easier to be open about my thoughts and feelings as I was already there and it does help to talk about them. But, now I am out I am risking my freedom if I am open about how I feel and what my thoughts have been. It leaves me kind of stuck really. I have said to the psychologist that my main aim is staying out of hospital and in one way or another he said this is a negative way to look at things. I can't remember how he said it but it's what he said. I don't get it really.

So I suppose tomorrow there will probably be lots of tears and I will just deal with things as they come and see if I can try and get through it.

Wish me luck!