Going Back In

I am going back in to hospital. It's on an informal basis. I wasn't left with much choice really. I don't want to be sectioned again. I thought it was better to go a long with them than have a load of people storm my house again and end up sectioned.

I don't want to go. I am not even sure it can keep me safe. I am even planning on attempting while I am there. Maybe tonight. I really am going with great plans aren't I?

I have a smart phone now so will blog later once I am in with how I am feeling etc.

MHA Act Assessment -11th-12th August

I have been detained under S2 of MHA. I don’t have internet access but I do have my lap top so at least I can write and keep an updated blog kind of. Excuse the tenses as I am writing as I go along.


They turned up on mass. Five of them all together. Dr T, a GP who I have not seen in a while but I used to see him regularly. He knows my history and is the lead person at the surgery. The AMHP, who I found patronising, but I will get to that in a minute. Beth my CPN/CCO and Matt from Crisis team. It was horrible. They were firing questions at me from all angles. Hard questions. Questions I found hard to answer in the comfort of my own home. Asking me my intentions. What I wanted. I explained I didn’t want input anymore. I explained I felt that having input made things worse. Things had become worse since more people were involved. Again, I could not make eye contact. The pattern the rug became interesting. Very interesting. I couldn’t seem to make them see that things were being made worse for me.

They asked me to go informally. I said no. I don’t want to be in hospital. Worst nightmare comes true. I was asked to leave the room. I knew what they would be saying. Then I heard them on the phone trying to hunt down a bed. I was out the room about 20 minutes and a few of them trickled out. I am not sure why Matt from Crisis team was there or Beth. I knew what they were doing and I knew my fate. Hospital! Section 2. Up to 28days. Possibly followed by a S3, up to 6 months.

After a while they all left bar the AHMP. He didn’t seem to appreciate that I had worked in the local hospitals. And what impact that would have on me. In the end he did manage to arrange a bed in the nearest town. He managed to get someone to swap for me. It is the same hospital that I was taken to when I was detained on the S136.

I had to pack up some things at home to bring with me. I was told no sharps. Well I didn’t let them know I had already stowed my needles away. I need them. It took about 45 minutes to drive to the hospital. My mum drove and the AMHP came with us as he needed to be here to sign me in etc. We were put in a side room. Queue being stared at by others.

I was petrified. I didn’t know what to do with myself. The AMHP kept saying how well I had done to get here. I was like “yeah, I’ve done really well to be locked up under S2”. Patronising. Me; sarcastic!

They left. I was shown to my room. At least I get my own room. Basic and no lig points. I have already looked in to that. I was lying on the bed, staring at the wall. Vision became blurry. I spaced out not really sure where to. Not one with my own body. Not me.

Being here is making things worse for me. I have spent hours planning how I can self harm. How I can kill myself. The thoughts are so much stronger since I have been here. I can’t eat. I am not sure how much of that is I can’t or I won’t as a control thing. I think part of it is a control thing. It’s something I still have control of. I don’t have control over anything. I don’t choose when I take my meds. I get them forced on to me at 10pm. 8am, 12pm and 10pm. I don’t like taking the Quetiapine that early. I am on 10 minute obs. Or I was and I am now not sure. No one seems to have been in a while. I don’t want to be on obs. As soon as I come off I plan on somehow attempting again. I am also going to cut. I have what I need to cut. I also have my needles and I did blood let earlier. No checks were made on the stuff I brought in.

Last night (my first night) the nurse had a chat with me. She said it was down that I am not willing to engage. I don’t want to talk to people. I want to be on my own. I wouldn’t be planning another attempt this soon if I wasn’t here. Proof it is making me worse. I have spied the board in the office with patient’s names on. I am on the only one on obs. Also next to my name it says risk of DSH and non-engagement.

I am not going to engage. But I don’t want to be here. I need to make them see that it makes things worse for me being here. I have stayed in my room since I have been here. Only leaving to have a cigarette. They won’t let me hold on to my own cigs. They won’t let me light my own and they watch me like a hawk while I am outside. It’s a secure courtyard so it’s not as though I can go anywhere. First opportunity though I am making a run for it. I need to be away from here.

Last night I was given lorazepam which was supposed to make me feel a bit less agitated. Didn’t really work. Then I was verbally dragged out of bed to go and get stupid medication. I am going to try and store them somehow. I don’t want the medication. I don’t want anything. All day today I have been planning self harm. All I have done all day is lie on the bed listening to my iPod thinking about how I can cut. I think I am off obs now. So it will give me some more opportunity.

I don’t even get to see a Doctor until Monday. So I am def here until Monday. Ward round is once a week so if I don’t get out then, I will be in for another week. Fucking fantastic.

So yeah, I suppose I am feeling quite angry at the moment. I am also worried. Nursey last night said there are people who work here who have worked at the places I have worked before. One of my friends from when I worked at the secure unit also works here. Not on my ward but on another one which I am likely to get transferred to. I would rather it be him than anyone else though. I think I may even open up to him. I was quite close to him when we worked at the forensic unit. He looked out for me. If I had come off the ward crying for some reason or when I was attacked he was the one who came after me and got me through tough times at work.

Although there is this, I am still ashamed that I have been sectioned. Have I royally fucked up my career? There is still that part of me that wants to go on. I would say at the moment its 80-20 death-living. Not great odds really is it?

So that has been my MHA and first 24 hours in hospital under section.

I will try and write quite often as I do find it quite therapeutic.

Xxx

Letter From DPM to Dr T and GP

Here is a letter I have received from the person I saw from Psychological Medicine.

Dear Dr T,

I assessed GP on the ward at the hospital on the 20/07/11. She had been admitted at aprox 1am on the 19/07/11 following a planned suicide attempt. She told me she did not know how she had got to the hospital but the ED notes indicate she was found in a bus shelter by an ambulance crew after a phone call had been received by them. When she was found her GCS was 3 and remained at a lower consciousness level for approximately 10-11 hours after the event. GP told me she had the intent to die and once she had made the decision to attempt she felt calm and wanted it to work.

Mental Health History

GP told me she was under the care of the CAT team and the counselling service. She told me she is currently being treated with Quetiapine 400mg. She sees Sam at the counselling service for therapy sessions and was last seen on the 8/07/11 (the day of the attempt) by Dr T. She told me she self harmed about 5 times per month (it's actually a week, she got that bit wrong) by blood letting with a needle. However, she said that for the past 4 months she had been feeling "suicidal" and that her moods can drop for long periods of time. She told me she had attempted on Monday as she had the opportunity to do it whilst her parents were away. I believe GP has attempted a number of times in the past and she told me earlier this year she was placed on a S136 after telling people she was suicidal.

 Mental State

At the assessment GP appeared coherent, rational and was able to express her self well. She appeared reactive in mood and told me she had not been feeling depressed recently. She told me she is a Masters student and plans to be a mental health social worker and was up to date with her work. She told me she continues to have periods of what she describes as dysthymia, when her mood can drop for long periods of time and she will have more active suicidal thoughts. She described feeling that during periods of time when her family are with her she is more able to control and manages these thoughts, also she can distract herself by keeping busy with uni work. GP denied feeling depressed at the present time. GP told me the self harm thoughts can come on very quickly and create a sense of agitation and distress, she told me that once she had made the decision to act on the thoughts, she feels more calm and that once the decision has been made she cannot then control it. She told me she could "not guarantee" that she would not attempt again. She told me she had no active plan or intent to self harm again over the next few weeks as she planned to spend time with her brother and his family and had plans to go to France next week. She also had plans to finish her coursework and see her boyfriend (I don't know how many times I have said he is not my boyfriend but a guy I am seeing).

GP agreed that her risk of self harm remained high and she is aware of the risk of death due to her current self harm behaviour. We discussed the need for her to identify the triggers to her more serious self harm behaviour at an earlier stage and to use the resources available to her to try and prevent her acting on thoughts.

GP did not want to be admitted to hospital and was very keen to be discharged home as she had plans for the evening. She told me she does not want to use the Crisis team number as she finds it difficult to discuss her feelings over the phone. She plans to continue with therapy and is willing to see you at another out patient appointment.

As discussed with you the following plan was agreed with GP

1) GP has been given the number of the mental health crisis team and I have encouraged her to use this if she starts to have thoughts of serious self harm.

2) I advised her in the absence of doing she could also self present at the ED and ask to speak to our team.

3) I advised her to keep the next outpatient appointment with you.

4) Advised her to keep next counselling appointment and she agreed I could phone her worker to discuss the situation.

So that's it. I got the feeling she got a bit mixed up with some of the things I said but on the whole it's not too bad. I don't know where people get that I am agitated from. I don't think I have ever said that. Dr T thinks that also. I wish in a way they would just tape record the appointment and provide a transcript. That way things that I have never said wouldn't be put there.

Oh well.

I am Scared.

I think they have been discussing admission to hospital. I spoke to Sam earlier and she mentioned it. She said it had been discussed and asked my feelings on it. I honestly don't think that going in to hospital would make things any better. It would make things worse. I think Sam agrees with me. She said she is concerned and that if I couldn't keep myself safe, that would be an option.

She asked me if I was planning anything and my feelings after. I said I feel let down and disappointed. Partly in myself and partly because it didn't work. I said it was so easy and I came so close to succeeding that doing it again seems appealing. I feel the same in myself, I think I do anyway. I said I was thinking of doing it again and making another serious attempt but not in the next couple of weeks. I think I worried her. She said she was concerned as she is off on holiday when I get back and so I wont be seeing her for about a month now.

She asked me my feelings about Dr T. I said that I had told him I was having suicidal feelings again and they were not questioned. She asked me if I felt that he had not done his job properly. I said not necessarily, as I wouldn't have told him exact plans anyway so there was not a lot that he would have been able to do. I acknowledged that it's my doing. That I have to take responsibility for what I do. I said the only way to stop me once I made my mind up would be to put me in a straight jacket. And because I am so intent on not going to hospital I wouldn't say if I was planning anything any way.

The reason for doing it? Well because I sick and tired of there not being any change in my changing moods. I'll be ok for a while and then I will be low/depressed for a few weeks or I will go a bit hyper and elated. I can't see how any of it will change as I don't see any triggers of why things are like they are. People are telling me there are triggers and I just need to learn to see what they are but I can't.

So, tomorrow there is a meeting between the clinical psychologist, the CPN who I saw a couple of times and Sam. It's worrying me quite a bit that these people are getting together to discuss me. I've not said anything. I think Sam knows I have not been totally honest about my feelings. She says I have come on since starting counselling but personally I do not see it. She tells me different ways in which I have but, I still don't see it.

I hate the idea of people talking about me like tomorrow will be. But I hate even more being there when people talk about me. The meeting with Dr T and Sam was horrible. I felt put on the spot and really nervous. So I wouldn't want to be there anyway. Sam said she would call me after.

She wants me to have something in place while she is off. She thinks it may be good seeing the CPN for a bit longer but, I don't feel as though anything can help me right now. I know it will happen again. I don't know when exactly, but when I get back it will happen again. I was close, really close according to the woman from Psych Medicine. But, I don't know if they were just saying that. I wonder if I hadn't have been found if or when I would have died. I think my body would maybe have just have sorted it's self out.

Anyway, I am still quite ill from it all. I nearly passed out this morning. I was outside and as I stood from a squatting position everything went black and then started spinning. I had to hold on to something so I didn't hit the deck. I came inside and sat down for a bit until it passed but it did worry me a little. Then, I went to see the nurse today to have my blood pressure checked (for my contraceptive pill for the PCOS) and it was 186/105. It has never been that high. She took it a few times. I told her about the attempt and what happened this morning and she called through to the doctor. She asked quite a few questions. I explained how I had been feeling really sick all day and having dizzy spells. Anyway, they wouldn't let me go as it was so high. I don't get it. When I was in hospital it was always on the low side. They called the doc in hospital at one point as it was only 85/50. I was at the doctors all in all 2 hours. In the end it did come down, 115/72. I got a head ache while I was there and still felt sick. She said if I was to get any worse I was to call the out of hours doc tonight and if I was still the same tomorrow to get an emergency appointment. Don't know what they would do. I could see them sending me back to the hospital. So I think I will just grin and bear it. After all, if it is serious and does get me then that's just a bonus.

I am worried they are going to suggest Psych wards. I can't tell them I will not do it again. If I did they would know I was lying. I don't know what I can say to make it look better for me. They will know if I suddenly change my tune that something is not right.

I've got an essay to write by Sunday evening. Sam said I should get an extension but I can't really when I know I am going on holiday on Monday for a week. I can't say "can I have an extension as I am going on holiday for a week so can I have a 2 week extension". Doesn't look good does it. Also I just want it out the way. There's still that small part of me that wants to succeed in life also.

So tomorrow, Sam is going to call me and let me know what goes on. I will write again when I know more. But I kind of feel my fate is not in my hands anymore. There is some weird thing that's not me controlling it!

x

Blog Carnival - Stigma and Discrimination.

This is quite an important topic to me. So important I am writing my dissertation for my Masters in Social Work on it. In particular the stigma of personality disorders.

With people I know, i.e friends and family I don't make well known the problems I have experienced or experience. Being a Social Work student perhaps I should be more able to let other people be aware of the issues that I face. But I don't. The reason being is I fear discrimination. The friends (if you can call them that, I have written posts before on the problems I have had with friends) that do know about some of the problems have seemed to have distanced themselves from me. The night I fell over and broke my ankle saw me being open-ish with them about what has been going on. Since then, I have not heard from them and not seen them. That's two and a half months ago. I have been left out of group things and no one has really been in contact. I wonder if they think it's catching, or, if they just don't want the hassle of having a friend who is slightly different to them.

I say that in being a student in Social Work I should probably be more open. You know, fighting for acceptance etc of mental health. But in reality, I know there is massive stigma and discrimination of people with MH problems. There are all these campaigns out there such as Time to Change which promote the acceptance of people with MH problems and encourage people to speak out about it. I am a big believer in this. I believe that people should be able to openly discuss that they have problems. I mean, if someone had a physical illness such as diabetes they wouldn't be chastised for talking about that. So why with MH? Yet, even though I am a believer in this, I can't find it in myself to be open with people I know or meet about it.

I want to be a MH Social Worker. I eventually want to do my AMHP's training. Surly as someone who wants to do this I should feel that I could be more open about the issues I have faced? But no, it's because I fear discrimination and stigma.

It's not just the wider society a person experiences stigma and discrimination. It's from the inside also. Especially if you are fortunate enough to have been given the "diagnosis" of a personality disorder. I wont go on about my thoughts of the concept and diagnosis of PD as I have many times before. There are studies out there that have shown that the patient with the diagnosis of PD is the least preferred patient. So what does this mean?

Off the top of my head and sorry if I am wrong, but 1 in 3 people will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life. 30% of people with MH problems have been diagnosed as having a PD. I don't know if this means that nearly 10 in 100 therefore are able to be diagnosed with a PD? Maybe I am getting it round my neck. But either way, the prevalence of PD is quite high. So, why is this the diagnosis that experiences most stigma and discrimination? You would have thought that a person who works in mental health would be used to dealing with people who are diagnosed with this (considering the prevalence), so why the stigma? It's something I am going to look into more when I start writing the dissertation.

I have also seen the stigma and discrimination first hand. Some of the things that qualified members of staff have come out with... such as "that's typical, she's PD" in regards to someone being upset over an event. "Be careful with them, they're a PD patient, they'll switch and use anything you tell them against you". "Typical PD" about someone who self harmed. I have seen people who have been diagnosed as having a PD being treated as second class citizens. This was in a unit specifically for PD. You would expect the staff to be a little more understanding and less harming to patients really. This particular unit I worked at has been in the news a couple of times recently as of bad management though, first a patient succeeded in killing her self as her obs weren't done correctly and then because of a riot breaking out! It was a horrendous place and I was so glad when I found another job to go to. Again, I have written more about this unit previously.

I have noticed the stigma when being in hospital. For instance, when I have had to go to the ED as of self harming or suicide attempts I have found that the staff have been very brisk with me. There is one member of staff who hates me. Well there's probably more but she makes it quite well known. She says things like "you are being a silly girl". "I thought you were going to sort your self out". "There's people who need our help out there"... and a few other nasty comments which have just not been needed. There has been a doctor when I asked how long it was likely to be (in a nice pleasant way) snap at me and say "bloody typical of you self harmers, you come here after self harming, expect to be patched up and rushed through". Never in the ED has someone asked why? They see self harm as an attention seeking thing.

When I have been at the hospital as my own accident proneness (usually 2x a year that is in no way related to self harm), I have been treated with respect, they have been nice to me and caring and showed an interest in my life.

It's not just with self harm that they are bad. I went in with a service user a few months ago. Basically I was concerned that the stress she was under because of the housing issues would trigger an episode for her as they had in the past. So I went out my way to take her to the emergency doctor, miles away from her house and then to the ED as the emergency doctor wouldn't do anything. Anyway, I took her to the ED as I wanted to get her seen by someone as I was concerned. They were awful to her. Shoved her in a cubicle and didn't come check on her or anything. 6 hours we waited and not once did they come to volunteer how long it was likely to be. The only information I got was when I kept asking and asking and then eventually saying I felt we were being fobbed off as no one was telling me anything.

Everyone holds prejudices. If you think you don't then you are not human. It's how you handle them that count. I have also written posts on the prejudices that I hold. But, most people learn to not let them affect what they do. I leave my own personal feelings and values at the door when making decisions. I think in some cases they are ingrained in to you from a young age.

When I was growing up I lived near a Psychiatric Hospital. We used to scare each other with stories of what the "psychos" would do and we would worry about them escaping. This is from being about 4 or 5 and talking about it with your friends. I have found myself correcting people now though about it. My brother being one of them calling it a mad house. And then he was getting it all wrong about the difference between the drug and alcohol ward and the normal wards (normal psychiatric wards). I was trying to explain that not all the people and the D+A ward were mentally unwell etc etc etc. And he was trying to tell me how it had moved from a place where it wasn't to the place he was now. Anyway, I had a lot of correcting to do. But it's amazing how people will describe psychiatric hospitals and wards with such throw away words like "mad house, crazies, loony bin" and a few others. Why can people get away with this, you don't hear people talking about physical illnesses like that. Why is it worse to be seen talking about someone with a physical illness in a derogatory way and not a person with mental health problems?

I've not quite written this blog how I wanted to so maybe I will come back to it and change it at a later point, but for now it will do...

xxx

Annoying People

I think Sam was kinda pissed off with me today. The stuff I was saying, well, kind of like going backwards. I told her about the appointment with Beth and how that made me feel.

I was then telling her how I know come July when I am on my own for a month I know I am going to cut. And when I cut, it's pretty serious and usually requires stitches. She seemed pissed off with me that I said it and that I felt that way. I tried to explain how when I cut it takes time. It's my thing. Some people throw a party when their parents go away, me, I cut. I said it was kind of like a treat. Not happening very often. Some people may like a pill when they want a treat, you know, like E. Me, I cut.

She got kind of worked up by it and was saying how if I end up in hospital I may end up being sectioned as the people who assess me don't know me and it's a possibility. So I said at the time I don't think about the consequences and of all the people I have spoken to before I can get out of hospital admissions by saying what they wanna hear. She kept asking what if I couldn't. I didn't answer but I think I have done it so many times before, unless I am acutely psychotic I don't think there is much chance of that. Also, my last hospital attendance because of self harm was in January. So come July they will look at that and see that and not worry. Anyway, I am not even saying I would have to go to hospital. It's just that I plan on having a couple of nights cutting as I like to cut.

I said to her that I didn't see the self harm as a problem. OK, it's every night but it's not a problem. It's not serious. And the reason I do that is so I am not cutting. It's my stopping cutting method. She asked me to try the 10 minute rule thing. That's where you stop before you cut for 10 mins and assess how you are feeling. I said I felt it was a waste of time for me. I did it and waited 10mins, but I see the blood letting as being a normal thing. It's not a big deal. If I saw or felt effects from it I would possibly change my view point. But, I don't. It's not like I am gauging big holes in myself that need hospital treatment, it's not as though I am risking losing my leg, or getting infection. So why should I stop? I don't want to stop.

So what now? Do I stop with counselling, do I stop with Dr T? If I stop and say I don't want any more input would that mean I end up in the hospital? I want to be left alone. I don't want to do any of this and the only reason I do so is because I scared of what will happen if I don't. The meds help me sleep. So I would quite like to stay on them. Also, since I have been on them weirdly I have lost weight. So it's one good side effect of Quetiapine.

But what do I do now?

Blame

This situation is all my own fault.

If I hadn't have been so pissed I would not have fallen over and broken my foot.

I had drank 2 bottles of wine and felt fine. I should have been more pissed on that amount but I wasn't. Not when I decided on the 3rd. I walked to the shop and brought the 3rd fine. I can't remember drinking much of the 3rd. It's a bit hazy at that point. I was told to slow down but I felt indestructable. Nothing could harm me. I was fine. I was flying.

But. I did drink that 3rd. I didn't listen to anyone as I thought I was right and they were wrong. I can't remember much except from when I actually ended up on the ground. The pain sobered me up. Well kind of. I don't remember the ambulance journey or the paramedics. I know I wanted to get a taxi but I couldn't get up as I couldn't put any weight at all on my foot. It was agony. My friend called an ambulance as I couldn't walk. But I don't remember much of it. My friend Miss Recruitment said she saw the paramedic who took me in yesterday and I asked if she spoke to him, she then told me it was a her.

Here I am telling people all my views on the NHS and where money should be pumped in to and then I go and do this. My experiences of when I have ever had to be in hospital have been that when speaking to other people the majority of people in hospital are so because of alcohol. Whether it be that they have problems caused by the alcohol or as a result of them being pissed and injuring themselves. I believe that the government needs to throw money at alcohol intervention as it will save money in the long run. Spend the money now to save it in the future. Alcohol is probably the biggest drain on the NHS. So many problems are caused by alcohol. So what should they do? Increase the price? More education? I don't know but something needs to be done. These are my views and here I am being another number another statistic of alcohol caused injuries.

I do blame the shoes I was wearing also. They must have contributed some how. I don't usually wear heels. Yet here I was wearing 4inch high platform wedges. I tell everyone that it was the shoes fault. Because I don't usually wear heels and if I had have been in flats I probably wouldn't have broken anything if I had fallen. I may not have even fallen. Who knows.

I hate myself for this. How could I put myself in such a situation where I have jeopardised my course again. Of course I am not going to tell them just how pissed I was. I have just said I fell over in heels. They don't need to know that I was off my head. But after the whole worrying about being made to stop doing the course as of my mental health. And now this and it has thrown it up in the air again.

I need to be able to drive to do my placement. I need to get two observations done by 2 weeks time. My PE is on holiday and I need to get them done and written up. How the hell am I going to do those. I have asked if I can work from home but it kind of defeats the object of placement. I am going to ask if I can get taxis if the company will re-imburse. Or if my PE will pick me up and take me to those clients I need to have observations done on.

I am feeling like crap now. I blame myself for what has happened as I was stupid.

I am relying on people to do everything for me also which is horrible. I have lost all my independence. I mean, I can't even get a drink for myself unless I drink it standing where I made it as I can't carry anything on the stupid crutches. I have to pack a bag to take what I want for the day downstairs as it takes me about 5 minutes just to get up the bloody stairs and it is bloody hard work. I hate being in this situation. I hate being in plaster but it is better than the splint as it does help the pain some. Not loads but some. I am sick of this already and I have to wait until May 13th for Phsyio. I am hoping they take the cast off then. Well that's if it has stopped hurting as much. If it's still as painful they'll need to leave the cast on, So I hope it is better by then so the cast can come off.

I am so pissed off at all of this.

The Story

This will probably not make much sense or not flow properly as I don't have the concentration and I am in pain and also knackered from the pain killers...

So Friday night...

I was on a mission. Actually I wasn't but the girls are saying I was. I went round to one of the girls houses for a BBQ. I took two bottles of wine with me and drank them both in about 4 hours. I wasn't feeling that pissed at all really. After I finished the wine I decided I wanted more. The girls were laughing at me as they said they couldn't believe I had had 2 bottles of wine as I didn't seem that pissed.  So I decided to walk to the shop. I remember walking to the shop really clearly and I wasn't that pissed. I took the wine back to my friends and that's when it starts to go a bit hazy. I remember in my drunken state I was telling then about my mentally interestingness. I finished the 3rd bottle of wine.

At some point they decided to go in to town. I said I wanted to go. I can't remember much from this point it was really hazy. What I remember is having a drink in Revolution. Leaving there and falling over and then the pain! What happened was. My friend swapped my drink that I brought for a coke and I couldn't tell. I then locked myself in the toilet. I then locked myself and 2 friends in the toilet and wouldn't let them leave. After they negotiated with me to leave and I agreed the bouncers dragged me out through the bar and dumped me in the street. My friends were trying to calm me down as I was angry and wouldn't let anyone near me. I then ran off from them. It was through running off I fell over. I remember the pain. I have a vague recollection of a Street Angel person. My friends called an ambulance as I couldn't get up at all as it was that painful. It did sober me up a bit. I don't remember much of the ambulance journey other than pain.

In A+E they gave me some painkillers. 5 minutes later I threw them up. Dihydrocodeine does not agree with me. It always makes me sick. I wasn't aware they had given it to me until after when I was throwing up, nice.
They sent me for x-ray which made me scream out in pain. They had to manipulate my foot so they could get the right angles for the x-ray. Ow ow ow! I was then seen by an orthopaedic doctor. He informed me that it was broken and that I needed to be kept in. I said can't you just cast it and let me go. He laughed at me and said you can't put any weight at all on it, you can't stand it being touched, in a word no! He said he was referring me to the surgeons as they would need to review it and I would possibly need to have surgery.

Then Bitch Nurse came in. She wasn't even my nurse or working in my area. She was just being nosy. She came in asked what I had taken. She had the most sour look on her face. She hardly gave me chance to get my reply out before making another snidy comment. I just said I had fallen over while wearing heels and I had broken my foot. Then she said I bet you were pissed. Her attitude just stank. I really don't like her. I have made that pretty obvious before though haven't I?

Anyway. By now I was sober. The pain and being sick kinda helped that along. I was taken up to the ward. I was dreading it. I was just glad I wasn't put on one of the admission wards where the staff know me. I was pleasantly surprised (as pleasantly as you can be when it comes to hospitals) at how quiet the ward was. Yay. No coffin dodgers for me. By now I had asked for more pain relief as the codeine had made me sick and I hadn't had anything else. So they gave me morphine. 20mg. That didn't really work all that well either so an hour later they gave me 20mg more and that did work. I didn't really get any sleep though. The surgeon came to see me at about 7.30am and he said I didn't need surgery. Yay! So I was expecting to be let out. Nope. The physiotherapists came to see me and made me have a go on crutches. I could not use them. I couldn't get more than 2 steps. So they said I was unsafe on them and they wouldn't be letting me go. So night 2 in hospital. Also that day I was still feeling really sick. I ended up being sick a couple of times. The second time there was loads of blood in it. It worried me. I wasn't going to tell them I swallowed a needle a few weeks before either. They rushed around me a bit panicking, took my obs and beeped the doctor to come see me. She didn't seem all that worried. Just said it was probably from retching that had caused a small tear.

On the 3rd day the physios came to see me again. This time they made me use the zimmer frame and took the crutches away. I didn't feel all that safe on those. They also made me attempt going upstairs on crutches. It was terrifying. I think a lot of it was fear but I could just not hop up the stairs while using a crutch as support and while holding on to a banister. So on to my bum. I managed to get up the stairs ok but when I got to the top I couldn't get up. Because of the needle in my arm the angle my arm needed to be at to push myself up I couldn't do it. So...not going home again.

That night I fell over. It was so embarrassing. I was coming back from the loo on the zimmer frame and I went a bit weird on it and ended up crashing to the ground. No one saw me as I was around a corner. I didn't have a bell near me and it was quite late at night. So I had to shout out. All of a sudden there were about 6 nurses surrounding me asking me loads of questions. I just said I had stumbled and it was no big deal but I couldn't get up. Not being of the petite variety I didn't want people lifting me. I had cut my knee open where I had landed on it (it was from where fell off motorbike last year and I always seem to manage to get that and cut open when I fall). So I couldn't get on to my good knee on the hospital floor. In the end they passed it up for me, got me some towels and I managed to push up on the frame using my good leg and my arms. I nearly broke my other ankle in the process as it bent with the top of my foot being on the floor and me putting weight through it. Ow! Lol. Wheelchair back to bed loads of obs taken and more morphine.

Monday morning...more physio. They kept trying for me to put weight through my foot but there was no way I could do it. They kept telling me I needed to get my foot to the floor so the blood can flow it will heal. There is just no way I could manage it. I did manage to get up when I got to the top of the stairs. I figued out that if I turned round on to my knee I could pull my self forwards, so yay...stairs managed. The doctors came to see me and said my leg needed to be put in a cast and not in a splint. For the type of fracture it is you can usually get away with a splint that can be removed, good for showered. But it didn't really give me enough support. I had been asking for a cast all along as the first night I was in, although it hurt it was more supported and I felt more confident with it. However, they said I should not be wearing a cast as of the way the injury will heal any my foot could end up with no mobility if that was the case. But, the sister on the ward noticed my foot was in a weird position. It was pointing down like in a ballerina pose. I couldn't hold it back at all. It was far too painful. So then they said that if my foot dropped like that then I would really struggle to walk once healed as I wouldn't be able to put my foot to the floor. My achillies would have also shortened and it would be like I have always worn heels and never wore flats. If that makes sense. So they said the risks of it healing in an odd position were not as high as it not being in a cast and it heeling in ballerina position. So cast it was.

Cue, a hell of a lot of pain. Someone had to manipulate my foot into position and hold it there while the other put it in a cast.

On Tuesday (the 4th day) I was allowed to go home. I was given the option. I was told I could stay if I wanted but also if I could arrange transport home I could go. I asked if I would be able to take the same painkillers home and they said I could so I decided to go home.

Being at home is better in a way and not in another. I have stairs to contend with her and they are not easy. They are not just straight up and take a couple of turns so  getting up them is just knackering. I wake in the night in loads of pain and am having to medicate in the night. I am not liking being on the morphine as is making me knackered and spaced out.

Being at home is frustrating. I am having to rely on parents to do everything for me. I can't even get myself a drink and have it in living room as I can't carry it through. Same with food. I can't go to the shop as I can't drive and I am useless on crutches. I still can't weight bare on my foot and if I do it hurts at the time but also after and it's more of an ongoing pain.

Then there's the problems this could cause with uni with missing time. I am so annoyed at myself, at the situation and I am just miserable and angry. I don't want to be stuck in the house. My friends don't live near by and can't drive so they can't come visit. It's so frustrating. I want to go back to work on Tuesday but my uni tutor has told me I am not to go back until I can confidently get up and down stairs and so I am not spaced out on drugs. I wanna go back but I can see her point. I can't get up and down the stairs of the building I am based in. And I fall asleep constantly as of the drugs. So I am screwed. And it's all my fault!!!!

Scatty.

I am really not with it. It's probably something to do with the 10mg of morphine I take every couple of hours. And on top of this the 60mg of dihydrocodeine every 4 hours.

When I can't concentrate on one thing anyway, the drugs make it a hell of a lot harder. I am having this week off placement and I hope by Tuesday I will not be relying on the morphine and I can go back to placement. I won't be able drive to see clients but at least I will be in the office.

I am blaming myself for all of this. If I hadn't have been totally paralytic then it wouldn't have happened. I drank far too much. I was on a mission to get wrecked. I had had 3 bottles of wine before leaving the house. My friends have had a go at me saying I was too pissed. I am embarrassed by my behaviour. In doing what I am doing there are certain codes of conducts that need to be followed. Even when not in work/placement. Well I kinda blew those out the window didn't I?!

I'm really not that with it at the moment. The pain killers are spacing me out. Not had any hallucinations or anything like that. Well I don't think so anyway. LOL.

Hopefully as time goes on I will be less reliant on the mega strong pain killers and I will be able to regain my coherence. I still want to write about what actually happened and more about my experiences in hospital.

xx

How Time Flies

One year ago today I was packing, unpacking because my bag was faaaar to heavy and packing again. Now really did I NEED the SILK dress for backpacking in SE Asia. Did I NEED the hair straighteners and hair dryer? Well the silk dress came out but the hair dryer and straighteners stayed. I was carted off down to boots as I did not need massive shampoo and conditioners and shower gel and everything else. So my mum took me down to boots and brought me some travel size bottles that I could decant shampoo in to. She told me over and over not to take conditioner but to take leave in. I listened. It was awful. My hair was like straw.

I still took a pair of jeans (in the 3 months I wore them once), my black tulip fit dress (I never wore), black combat trousers (I never wore) about 5 pairs of shoes (which within the first week was whittled down to 1 and had to buy more, a dog stole one shoe of a pair, when I fell off the motorbike I wrecked one pair as the amount of blood that was over them and two pairs of flip flops broke as they were primark crap! I always tend to have shoe crisis' when ever I go anywhere. I am not good with shoes. I have weird feet. They are a funny shape so most shoes I get rub me in places and I walk funny in them so wear out on one side. When I was with Gom we would have endless arguments about my shoes. He always used to say to me make sure you bring comfortable shoes. So I did but after walking a while I would have massive blisters or they would be killing me some how.

I also took over a years supply of tampons. I still have loads left! Why I thought I needed so many who knows. I put them in to a plastic bag which had a tendency to somehow come open and spill them everywhere.

I also had a bra crisis while I was over there going from taking 5 to only coming back with 2. Again that's cheap ASDA bra's for you.

It was one year ago that I said goodbye to my nephew on his first birthday. I wouldn't see him again for 3 months. He was bound to forget me. He was the only one I cried when I said bye to, he was the one I missed the most.

So I am sitting here looking out my window across the park. The leaves are coming on the trees and soon I wont be able to see the house opposite. It also means I don't have to worry about drawing my curtains every time I get changed. At the moment the people walking on the park can probably see in if my light is on, but once the leaves come I can have naked Tuesday's again! Only joking... It was Wednesday! Lol.

As I sit and watch the people amble by I think about what has gone on in the last year. What has changed for the better and what has got worse. I am thinking back to how excited I was about going travelling on my own. My first entry in my diary on 4th April 2010....

Sitting in airport in London. Feeling mixed emotions. Still deciding whether or not I'm doing the right thing by going. No backing out now though. Checked in and waiting for flight. Had my first heart stopping moment (the first of many). The check in guy asked if I had a visa for Thailand. I don't. I am lucky I remembered to print off my Air Asia flight confirmation. I thought I wasn't going to be able to go. Got really worried. Well all is ok now at least. Waiting for flight now. In 17or so hours I will be in Bangkok. Then where. Not decided yet!!!!

I remember the song that was playing as I landed in Bangkok (yeah I know you are supposed to not have iPods on but I still had mine on...ooops. I wasn't actually told on that flight). It was Muse, New Born. I felt amazing. I loved not knowing where and when I was going. I loved the freedom I had. I have never had that before. All I had to tie me in was a booked flight 3 weeks later from Phucket to Saigon. The taste of freedom was amazing.

I thought I could run away from everything. Turns out I couldn't. I did start having suicidal thoughts while I was over there. I went a bit mad while I was over there, put my self in stupid situations (like arguing with a a Vietnamese guy who has not taken me to my hotel and dropped me in the middle of no where and I refused to pay him), rented motorbikes when have never ridden one, had unprotected sex and protected one night stands, got tattoo's (well I actually planned one of them the other was because I was a bit pissed and I liked the music the place was playing, not exactly the best reason for a tattoo). I tasted the freedom and I suppose you could say I went too far. I had fun though. Isn't that what matters? I started having the thoughts of suicide about 6 weeks in. Thinking and making plans not to go back. Stocking up on Temazepam, Zopiclone, Diazepam, Diclofenac anything I could get over counter. Taking 20mg of diazepam and 15mg of zopiclone most days. And drinking shit loads. Scary amounts. Tried mushrooms, the first time...loads of fun, second time; never again. Buying weed off some back street guy in Phnomn Penh...risky stuff. Maybe it's me reading too much in to it. Maybe it's just me who was given that freedom and I took it. OK, I did some silly things but did I not just do what any person going travelling on their own for the first time would do?

So. A year later. My oldest nephew is now 2. 2 today. He's lovely. I also have another nephew now. I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant about a week in to my trip. And now. A 3 month old baby. He's cute.

I do wish I could go back in time a year. Have my whole 3 month trip ahead of me. Not be dealing with all this in my head. I wonder if I would have gone about things differently. I wonder if things would have still worked out the same if I had known what was coming. I always think that. "If I could just go back in time by...". I wonder what would be different. Would anything change. I think I would have ended it with Gom on my own terms if I knew what was coming. Not be the one who was the one people feel sorry for. Not have it end like it did. I can't blame him for what I am feeling and doing now. It's just the way things are. I don't know how much of it is behavioural if we look at the behaviour, medical disease approach. I don't know.

Nurseman Mike would seem to think it is. He kept saying things like "it's your choice". Maybe it is. Maybe though sometimes I don't feel like I have a choice. Sometimes I can't help but self harm, or try to kill myself. Maybe at first it was. Maybe at first I could have rationalised and said to my self "stop right there, hang on, what are you doing? If you take all those Diazepam it is going to start a spiral of self harm". Maybe I had the choice then. But now I feel as though it has gone beyond it. Obviously it is my choice on what I choose to say to the Psychiatrist and everyone else about how I am feeling. Part of me knows if I am not honest then how do I expect to be helped. A lot of it is because I am so bloody scared of the outcomes. I suppose that's my choice isn't it?

I am not a big fan of the behaviourist approach. In a way I would rather be diagnosed with bi-polar or similar than it be coping mechanisms, or what ever. Bi-polar can be treated with medication. I am sorry if I am making bi-polar look to be a nicer thing. I know to people diagnosed with it they are probably wanting to shout and scream at me for wanting to be diagnosed with it. I know you probably feel that you don't want the diagnosis. Nor do I. I don't want to be ill. I don't want to be like this. But. I am. And I would rather they label it as something I see as more of a medical than behavioural thing. Does that make sense?

However I say that. I had a stern chat with one of my clients the other day "Marie, it's your choice. You say you want your kids back but you are the one who is choosing to go and get pissed most nights and not have anyone able to track you down. It's your choice whether or not you see your social worker but you need to work with us and not against us as on your own you are making the wrong decisions". I said to her all this behaviourist stuff. What's that about? Is it just that I don't want to see my own thing as a behavioural issue as if I do that then I can't put blame on to anyone or anything. You know if it's medical then I can blame my brain for not functioning properly. If it's behavioural I have no one to take any ownessis away from me. Nothing. That's probably it then isn't it. Also in terms of getting better. If it's medical, give me drugs. If it's behavioural...it's bloody hard work, hard work that I have to do and I don't have the energy for it!

Anyway, back on to time. It's now spring. It's averaging about 15c. It doesn't seem 2 minutes ago since it was -15c at it's worst here. Brrrrr.

I can't believe how in a year I have gone from being quite positive and optimisitic about things such as going travelling to being like I am now. All the same issues were there a year ago. So why am I like I am now. Infact I should have been worse a year ago as the break up was still raw. I've had a year to get over him. I am getting there. I don't feel so much hate towards Gom and LD now. I think that is because I am getting used to it. I am getting used to the idea that she lives there. I know when I find out she's pregnant or something like that that will hurt and I will probably be thrown in to a deep cycle again. But I feel ok-ish about it now. I think partly because I have seen her most recent profile picture and she looks like a DOG! Ok I know slightly bitchy? But I am allowed to aren't I?

So much has gone on in the last year. Out of 12 months I have probably spent close to 1 month of that in hospital. 2 weeks were to do with my knee but I have probably spent more than a week in as of self harm and suicide attempts or the resulting infection.

Uni is good. I enjoy placement but I do have my concerns. I am worried about written work. Especially now Sam has questionned my fitness for the course. It's made me question it. I do wonder if I am deluding myself about it. I have questionned myself so many times over it. I know I just need to keep on with it. I am passing and that is what matters. Ok, it's not what I would like but the way things are it looks like I will get my Masters. I know I have another year at it but things seem to be going ok. Uni are happy with me. I should stop being so hard on myself I suppose.

I am dreading tomorrow. I have to tell me practice educator about what has been going on. I don't want it coming out at mid point review in the week and it being the first she has heard about it. So explanations tomorrow. JOY!

I think tomorrow will be a hard day for me as it does mark a year since the day I went away. A day I remember being full knowing what freedom I had. I don't have that anymore.

Oh and incase you were wondering, if you have got this far...my nephew did remember me. The day after I got back my mum was looking after him. I went downstairs. He was in his high chair having breakfast. He looked at me. Stared at me for a second not quite sure then all of a sudden he squeeled with laughter and put his arms up to come to me. Awwwww, it makes me emotional thinking about it.

And the other ending point...no naked days happen, nor naked weeks, months, hours or anything. Lol. Of course I shower and get dressed but I don't refer to anything as "naked..."

xxxxx



Hospital - Pt2

So it’s Sunday night now. I have been listening to Evita. I love it. But it’s usually a bad sign. I usually only listen to it before attempts. Usually when drinking and I sing along. I can’t sing along on the ward though. LOL. Nasty attitude nurse is back on tonight. I think it is her 3rd night on the row so I hope she isn’t in tomorrow. I didn’t think she was in and I was telling my mum about her having an attitude problem. 2 minutes later she walks over with my drug card and puts it right next to me. I think she heard what I said to my mum. I have specifically asked the staff that they are not to leave my drug card by the bed as I have nosey visitors and I don’t want them knowing I am taking anti-depressants and diazepam. She just sort of slammed it down and walked off. I am worried she did hear what I said. Who knows? I suppose I will find out when it comes to meds later.



I am still massively wanting to SH. I think it’s because when they put the cannula back in my first thought was “bloodletting”. I think sub consciously I knew I would be and so I know now I will. I am not sure if this one will bleed though as I tested it earlier and it didn’t seem to want to so I suppose I will find out when I go downstairs. I am not doing it to die. Not tonight anyway.


(I have since been discharged so back to talking in past tense about what happened)


The woman at the side of me was really making me agitated. I really struggled to keep calm. It was making my urges to harm more but luckily as my mum had brought in my lap top that day. I spent a while writing and also listening to music. I watched a film and tried to chill out. Come 12.30am I was still quite worked up and asked to go off ward. I asked the attitude nurse. I was as nice as pie to her and at first she was saying how no one is allowed off after 12am. I reminded her that I was an adult and that it was not a psychiatric ward. I said I was only going for a few minutes to have a cig and just get some fresh air. I said I was aware there were weird people hanging around (I will talk about that in a bit) but I could look after myself and I had my phone, I would be right next to the security office etc etc. In the end she gave in and let me off. I didn't get narky with her at all and was lovely to her.

I did try the cannula to see if it would bleed and it wouldn't. I was quite miffed tbh. I wanted to let.

I did manage to get some sleep surprisingly. I think the diazepam and mirtazapine worked for me last night. I went to sleep at about 1.30am and I got up at 7.30am. I was woken at 6 so that they could put the IV antibiotics through but I slept most the night. The woman in the bed next to me did annoy me a bit but I managed to drown her out with head phones.

So this morning I got up and got showered. I woke up thinking I was actually at home. I also woke up feeling like I had had a load to drink the night before and felt as though I had a hangover. Took me a while to come round. I showered and got ready and left the ward to go call the people about my placement. I then went back to bed for a bit as was feeling quite rough. Come 10am a nurse had come from the tissue viability team. I was surprised it was that quick. I really thought it would be a couple of days.She had a look at the wounds and said although they were quite infected there didn't seem to be a big problem. The bigger wound was smelling again but I think that was as if the dressing they put on to it. But she said she was happy to give me dressings, to finish the course of antibiotics and for me to go home. I then fell asleep again.


I was woken up by someone from PM. I had never seen her before and felt quite wary about her. She hadn't read my notes really and didn't really know what was going on with me. So I was chatting to her for about an hour. I got a little upset but managed to contain it. I don't do crying in front of other people...unless I am drunk then I don't care.
I explained to her that I had seen Nurseman Mike a few times before and I was slowly being able to tell him things. I said I was scared of being totally honest with them as I saw them as a service who was only really there to ascertain whether or not hospital admission was needed. I said baring that in mind, I felt very closed off about what I will disclose to them. I didn't tell her about the removing the cannula end. She asked if I had done anything to the wound to prevent it healing which I haven't in a way but I have by not taking the antibiotics. Even in hospital I was not taking them. I was pretending to but I wasn't. Why? I was already ill. I know I wont take the ones that I have been given either. I don't want to lose my leg, I don't want to be in hospital, I hate being physically ill so why wont I take them. Is it punishment?

Nursewoman Tracey from PM was talking about meditation and all of that shebang. No way am I doing that. It's just not me. I was telling her about my main thing at the moment is the low mood as it is so debilitating. I feel that they go hand in hand and if I can get my mood sorted then the SH will stop. She agreed with me but she also said that there is some innate reason why I have turned to SH. And she agreed with the Psychiatrist (Dr T) that I needed some kind of therapy. She also said she would contact Dr T and let him know she had seen me. She suggested maybe having a Care Coordinator (CCO). I said I thought that would help quite a lot as I am reluctant to call Crisis team to have someone who I don't know each time. I said I really struggle to talk about things with people I don't know and it would be useful for me to have one person I can call when things get bad. One person who knows me and who I don't have to explain everything over and over and over.

We talked about the suicidal feelings and I explained to her how it was on constant loop in my head. I picture different scenarios, picture different methods etc. I said if I was presented with a method that would look like an accident, that wouldn't cause anyone else un-necessary harm (so no jumping in front of cars as the person driving will be affected, same goes with trains...get my drift) and would be easy I would do it. She asked me on a scale of 1-10, 1 being very suicidal and 10 being not at all where would I put myself I said between 3 and 4. She asked me what I thought I could do to bring the number higher and I said I didn't know. I really don't. I feel the only thing going for me at the minute is the course.It's the only way in which I can see a future.

To be honest talking to her didn't really help. I was hoping I would be able to speak to Nurseman Mike. I am starting to be able to get more open with him by giving him a little more each time I see him. I know I need to get something in place as I know I can't use him or rely on him. It is an assessment team not an ongoing care team. They just point me in the right direction, or if they feel you need hospitalisation arrange that. I explained to Nursewoman Tracey that it was a control thing at the moment. That me not making attempts and getting over carried away are because of my family. I took the opportunity Friday night to try and kill myself as there would have been no way that could have been proven as suicide and would have looked like an accident. OK, I know my family would be devastated if anything happened to me. But, if they knew it was suicide then it would be a whole lot worse. I saw that opportunity and took it. I have not actually spoke to anyone about it yet. I wonder if I do (it would be Sam I talked to about it) if I would feel different about it. At the moment I just feel really indifferent. Like "yeah, so what, not really important, nothing of concern, blah, blah, blah". I really am not bothered that I did it. Have I resigned myself to the fact that I am going to be the person to take opportunities like that?


So I was discharged from the hospital and I got home about 3pm. I am so glad to be back. The place was horrible. I didn't like the staff on the ward I was moved to. The whole hospital is dirty and grimy. There was one toilet on the ward that smelt to bad it would actually make me gag each time I went in there. In another there was a sample in a bed plan that was there all day. It was horrible. It was grimy and dirty. I have never really noticed before but it made me feel sick.


Why the hell do they wake you up at such an early time. 6.30am you are being woken up asked if you want a drink. The first day I was moved after I attempted I understood why they would wake me up. You can't expect them to see that amount of blood and just leave me. But the following 2 days. Why????


The food. It's so disgusting. The hospital I am in is one of the biggest hospitals in Europe. There are two really big hospitals very close to each other in this city and there are also many smaller ones within close vicinity. And the food is prepared about 80miles away and delivered to the hospital and then shipped off to the wards. So how long has it been standing for. Gross. I can't believe hospitals of that size do not have their own on site food prep.


The people. I met some really strange and really annoying people. On the AMU ward I was in a bay with people who had a good 50years on me and didn't make sense. When I was moved it was still pretty much the same but at least 3 of them could actually hold a conversation. I would go to the main entrance for cigs and it never ceased to amaze me at some of the people that hang around hospitals. Why does it seem that is is only chavs or scum in general that get ill. There were a group of girls that were always going out for a cig together, they were probably in their early 20's. They were patients as they were always in their PJ's.They used to go out and there was these guys hanging around them also. One of them even brought down his massive Alsatian vicious dog. He could not control it and I was actually quite worried when they came near me with it. You should have heard the language they were coming out with. It was shocking. And I work on psychiatric wards!


Next -

There was this girl who was about 36. She had irreversible liver and pancreatic damage. She was skin and bones, she had sores all over her as she had been in bed so long. And it was due to alcohol abuse. She was an alcoholic at 36. She was basically killing herself. She was being treated on a medical ward for the issues she had, she wasn't very mobile and generally unwell, but due to the alcohol. She wasn't even that bothered by it. It sounds awful, but even if she wasn't an alcoholic she had the entitlement mentality so I don't think she would have a successful person. Her best line was "it's really unhealthy them making us come out in the cold to smoke". She was more worried about the cold than the smoke. Lol. I know I smoke but I don't mind going outside. It's the law. It shouldn't be encouraged as it is so unhealthy and if I continue to smoke I will be a drain on the NHS in the future of the health conditions caused by smoking. She said she had tried rehab 2x but obviously it hadn't been successful. She was saying how she had brought a bottle of vodka in to the hospital with her but it was confiscated by one of the nurses. I talked to her a bit but she was a little odd also. I think the alcohol had killed a few brain cells there.

There was also this girl who was suffering pre-eclampsia, she admitted she was still drinking, she was smoking and just did not seem to have the same social airs that most people have. It really disgusts me to see pregnant people smoking. I hate it. OK, I have not tried to give up before but I would like to think if I wanted to become pregnant I would give up before I tried just to increase my chances. She was going on about what bad mothers some people were and slagging off the social (I kept my mouth shut here about my chosen career path). Sorry, but smoking when pregnant is not acceptable, smoking when pregnant, suffering pre-eclampsia, and the baby has not grown in the past 4 weeks in my books is child abuse. I really hate to see pregnant people smoking. It really is one of my pet hates. She then goes on to say how she is worried about the baby, yet she is there chuffing away on cigs. Another woman joined us who was staying in with her 11month old baby as they were on the wards. She was saying how there was this baby on the ward who as far as she was aware no one had been to visit. She said she was there all the time with her little one as she would not leave her side for long as she lived about 40miles away so she was staying at the hospital. She said that the baby was called Porche. Now the snob in me came out here and I immediately thought this is a case of a no contact order or something as not being funny but most abuse, neglect etc tends to happen in chav class families. It does happen in more middle class but in general it's more the chav class. Everyone then had their 2 penny's worth saying how they would never do that and it's awful and what a bad mother the other person must be etc etc etc. I am just sat there thinking..."this coming from a woman with pre-eclampsia, who has been told strict bed rest as her back waters had already broken and she was only 7 months pregnant but baby had not grown in the last 4-5 weeks, whose legs were swollen, who admitted she was still drinking and she was there smoking. She also made a comment which made it seem that a court order had been placed previously on her as she said something along the lines of that when her child was in hospital the social worker had called up and had said that she was not to be left alone with that child.

I have just spoken to my social worker friend about this and she said how unborn children can also be subject to child protection conferences. So I hope that this woman was having a close eye kept on her.

It really amazes me just how many people are in hospital as of drink related problems. I met this one guy who I could tell he had not admitted to being an alcoholic but he obs was. He was carrying around a bottle of vodka with him and he was being treated for what they thought was alcohol related seizures. The way he was talking you could really tell that he didn't think he had a problem. But you could tell he did.


Maybe I have a problem. But in comparison to some of the people I met, it's hardly a problem at all.


So today was meant to be the first day of my placement. I think being in hospital over the weekend as been quite enlightening. I am going to be working with homelessness teams with people with drug and alcohol problems. Bit miffed I was kept in hospital as was supposed to be my first day today and so I will have to make up a day at the end. I am starting it tomorrow now. I am sure I will have plenty of interesting stories once I get going with it. I am really looking forward to starting and getting my teeth in to it. The team I am going to work for sound brilliant and really relaxed and chilled out.


So that has been my weekend from Thursday to Monday. I have a couple of other ideas for blogs that I may work on soon and also I have counselling appointments which it helps me to write up and going to see Dr T next week at some point.

I know at the end of last year I wrote about being more positive and if anything I have gone the opposite way. Sorry. I know I am a bit crap. I feel as though I have let myself down. But I feel things are getting worse for me. Maybe it's having had 2 weeks off and I have been mulling over what happened at the beginning of those 2 weeks too much. Hopefully I'll pick up once I get in to this placement.

That's all for now though.

x

Hospital - Pt 1

I wrote the following while I was in hospital. I wrote a bit so will post on separate blogs...


As I write this I am stuck on a horrible ward with my leg being infected. I have been going mad and am going mad now. I shall start from the beginning. I think I am going to have to split this. But I am writing it in word while in hospital and I will upload it once I get home.



On Wednesday evening I became quite unwell feeling sick and having a bad stomach. I also noticed that my leg smelt horrible and was oozing through the dressings. I was just putting one on top of the other and it was still seeping through. I saw Sam Wednesday night and she advised me to go back to A+E if I felt unwell. The consultant had also said that from A+E but I was putting it off thinking well I am going back on Friday so it can wait until then. However, Thursday I felt no better and thought well I am going to have to go back really. So I drove across and thought I would be a couple of hours and parked up and didn’t pay as I never do at the hospital. So went to A+E and was seen by triage straight away. Obs were taken and they were normal except my pulse which was 120bpm. So I was put in waiting room and was seen quite quickly by the nurse. I stripped off climbed on to the bed and pulled the dressings off. It was disgusting. Was horrible. I felt sick. Well I was already but it just made it worse. She looked and said she wasn’t going to do anything but get the senior doctor as I had seen a senior before.

So I waited about 1.5 hours for the doc to come. He was quite cute actually. I hate it when you get a cute doctor and 1) you self harm so they form a bad opinion of you and 2) you only have a top and knickers on. Not the best place to meet cute docs. Anyway, he looked and he looked through my notes and said that needed to look at admission as had already had treatment for it and the infection hadn’t cleared up. I suppose I neglected to tell him as part of my on-going self harm I wasn’t taking the antibiotics properly. They make me ill and I suppose I was hoping for blood poisoning and death but quickly. But no. I know… I am rather crazy.

I got quite upset my main worry being that I would have to tell my parents I was in hospital. I didn’t know what I was going to tell them. The medical student (who was also a fittie but probably too young) suggested I tell them I had a UTI and needed antibiotics through an IV. So that’s what I told them.

I had to have the stiches removed from the wounds. Yet it was too painful. So I got to have gas and air. Now to be fair I could have bared it as there were only 5 stitches that needed to come out. It was painful.Very painful. But I had gas and air last time they stitched me up a couple of times. Now I wouldn’t want to have only that in labour as you can still feel the pain. But wow. It’s like you are really pissed and everything seems so far away. You think like you are pissed and you probably act like it. I think like I am pissed when I am on it. It’s quite funny. It does still hurt but it makes you care less. No hang over and as soon as you stop breathing it after about 20 seconds it all goes. I had it taken off me in the end as she had stopped taking the stiches out and I was still puffing away. Free drugs and highs on NHS. I love the NHS!!!!!!

So bloods were taken and I was moved up to the AMU ward.


I have been there plenty of times and one of the nurses even said “hello (insert name) what have you done now”? It was in a jokey way and she was really nice to me last time I was in and it wasn’t in a condescending horrible way. She was lovely. Last time I was in after an OD I couldn't even stand up. She helped me go to the toilet and get dressed as I was so out of it. And she was so nice all the way through. Some nurses are just so rude and business like with you but she isn't. While she was admitting me a couple of weeks ago she was holding my hand and just being really nice and supportive.

  In the mean time before going up to the ward I had told my parents I had a UTI and so they brought me in some clothes etc. I explained to the ward staff that I didn’t want anything discussing with anyone that any medical information wasn’t to be shared with anyone like my family as I had lied about why I was there. The HCA who booked me in asked me about my self harm and suicidal thoughts. I think he was asking out of interest but I don’t know. He asked how often I got them and I said all the time. I explained to him it wasn’t something that went away and I was always thinking about death and self harm and planning when, where and how. That most the time I could distract myself with things and they didn’t bother me but sometimes it became too much and that was when I self harm or attempted. Then he said as I was feeling the way I was they would need to get the dept. that Mike works in aka Nurseman (who I refer to him as on SF). Then they went on to tell me that I was not able to leave the ward until I have seen that dept. I kicked up a fuss saying that I knew they wouldn’t see me until I was medically fit which I didn’t know how long that would be. It could have been anything from a couple of days to unlimited like when I was back in hospital in July after the motorbike accident. I said I had seen them numerous times and I had been on the ward numerous times after self harming and attempts yet I had always shown wiling and come back after going off the ward and it had never been a problem. After a few hours I did see a Doc and he agreed I needed to be on IV antibiotics. And that I was allowed off the ward. Yay cigarette time!



So Thursday night was pretty uneventful. I was pretty ill but nothing really happened. The same on Friday. I saw a doc and was under the impression that I would be going home on the Saturday. I was told on Friday that as wasn’t a new self harm or attempt that I wouldn’t need to be seen by psych medicine (PM from now). I had actually psyched myself up for seeing them thinking about what I would say and what would happen. I was also struggling with my thoughts and distraction methods. Usually I will go out, write my blog, go on the internet, and watch TV. Anything that doesn’t require too much attention at first. I only had books and my iPod. I couldn’t really read as I needed to concentrate. And the music which usually helps was not working. I usually use music when I am doing something else like driving so I can sing really loudly etc. You can’t really do that on a ward. I don’t think it would have been appreciated. I had asked for some diazepam in the morning yet they were saying that they didn’t have any on the ward. I had been prescribed it by the doc. I love junior docs at times. At times not also…like when the F2 stitched up my leg a couple of weeks ago. But you can manipulate them in to prescribing what you want. So I said I was given Diazepam as PRN insinuating that it was something I always had at home. In reality I think I have only been given it on prescription a couple of times. Any way I was really struggling. Really wanting to SH. I left the ward to go for a cig and I was desperate. I picked up a paper clip off the floor. I tried to cut with it but it wasn’t sharp enough. I felt so angry. At myself and also at the fact that I couldn’t cut. So I actually decided I was going to have to call crisis team. I couldn’t distract myself and I knew I would end up doing something. So I got their number went off ward and tried calling. It wouldn’t connect. After all that psyching myself up and going through all the thought processes I had I knew I needed to speak to someone. After a while I went back to the ward. I had had some diazepam at about 6 but it hadn’t touched how I was feeling. It was about 12ish and I asked to speak to the nurse on the ward. I explained to her that I had tried to call crisis team as I was really struggling with the thoughts going through my head and I wasn’t able to distract myself. I said it would be really helpful to speak to someone from PM as I couldn’t speak to crisis. She came back to me about 40 minutes later saying she had found a bed for me on another ward. I think she thought as I was on an AMU ward that was busy I was being affected by that. Ok the person next to me was actually quite scary shouting at me and staring at me.


It’s weird. I work in mental health yet this woman was actually bothering me. I think it’s because I am not mentally stable at the moment and I wasn’t very well either. So at about 1am I left the AMU and was transferred to another ward.

Straight away I had a bad feeling about the ward. I don’t know what it was, it was the middle of the night but I just didn’t feel right about being moved. So that started the thoughts off even more. The nurse had left all my meds on my table. I considered just taking them all. But then I thought, “really what are 14 Mirtazapine and 28g of antibiotic going to do? Just make me sick”. So I had a better idea. The cannula! It goes straight in to the vein and keeps it open. I could bleed to death. And, it would be painless, quiet, I would just go to sleep and it would also look like an accident. I went in to the loo and tested my theory out. Sure enough it bled when removed the stopped. So I got in to bed. Turned my back to the corridor and pulled the end off. I put my iPod in. And drifted off. I felt my side get wet so I knew it was working. I started spinning also. I drifted off to sleep, or I think I passed out as I don’t think I would have been able to sleep knowing what I was doing. I had a few weird dreams. Come 6.30am I was being shaken by about 3 nurses shouting my name at me over and over again. They had come round to do tea and coffee (I’ll get to that in a bit) and had seen all the blood. I was being shouted at. I could hear them but I couldn’t quite wake up. I knew with them shouting at me that I hadn’t been successful. I could hear everything going on around me but I couldn’t wake enough. I was sort of pulled out the bed and on to the chair. They asked me why I had taken the end off which I denied. I was told to go get showered as I was covered in blood and left to it. My BP was quite low I think about 80/50. So think I lost a fair bit of blood. I think the blood congealed and stopped more coming out. So I didn’t get my way. I felt quite out of it. I went and got washed up, changed and got back in to bed and went back to sleep. I was woken again at 11ish by the nurse telling me I needed to drink something as BP was still low and I said I would but couldn’t face it. I was quite out of it. Went back to sleep and woke again at about 2ish. Nothing more was said. I was stupid really. I never thought how it would affect the other ladies on the ward. They don’t know it was on purpose. They said I gave them a scare as they said they spent ages trying to wake me and they struggled to wake me. I was still really disappointed that it didn’t work as really thought it would. It was too good to be true really. Maybe take a few aspirin next time so it doesn’t clot. Bloody hell the cogs are going now.


I thought I would be going home on Saturday but one of the nurses said she wasn’t able to get docs to come see me. So prepare myself for staying in. Saturday night was uneventful. I was told by nurse she had made referral to PM and they would come see me Sunday (today). I say uneventful. I have this thing about one of the nurses. I feel she has a massive attitude problem. I went off ward for cig and I was gone about an hour. I was talking to some people downstairs (these people will be covered in another blood) while having a cig and I didn’t really want to be on the ward and just wanted to take some time away. It annoys me.


Anyway. I came back on to the ward and I heard her really loudly say when I came back “that’s it, no one else is going off the ward now”. I thought how dare she. It is not a psychiatric ward. I am not going to do a runner. Surly I have shown that. It is an ADULT medical ward. ADULT. If I am allowed to go off during the day then what difference does it make if I want to go off at night. I am an adult. I can look after myself. It’s awful. I asked for some diazepam as I was wound up ( I know it seems like a small thing to get worked up about but as I said I am not very well so things are getting to me more than they usually would.). Before I went off the ward I said to one of the HCA’s can you ask the nurse when she does meds to get me some paracetamol, cyclazine and diazepam. She said sure she would ask. I got back and one of the ladies in my bay said the nurse has put your usual meds there if there is anything else then you need to ask. So I did. I then over heard the nurse saying “oh well, she should have been on ward when I was doing meds” and then came over in a massive huff as she got the meds out. Now with PRN I ask for it as when I need it. OK, I did ask for it before meds as I wanted it to help me sleep. But it is PRN. It’s the same with pain medication. It’s PRN. I don’t know if I am going to need it at 6pm when meds are dished out. I felt as though I had really inconvenienced her. The thing is she was just sat there gossiping when I came back. I know people say nurses do that. It really annoys me when they say that as I know nurses work really hard. But I knew she was sat there gossiping as I could hear what she was talking about. And she wasn’t doing paperwork or on a computer at the time. I know people are entitled to breaks and a couple of minutes rest but you don’t expect the attitude. I was really pissed off at her.

So Sunday. I was woken at 8ish by a nurse telling me to sit up and take meds. I asked for another diazepam. I wanted more sleep I woke up pissed off. So I went and got showered went for a cig. Came back to the ward and got back in bed. I was woken at 10 by the doctor. Yes the Doctor. So I was excited thinking “Yay, I’m going home”. He looked at my leg. And then said you are staying. And you are going back on IV’s. They had taken me off them yesterday when they took the cannula out and put me on oral. He then said he was going to refer me to plastics. The wound on my calf is still very infected and it’s not healing. Then he brought a nurse in and she said going to refer me to tissue viability. She has put the referral in but doesn’t know how long it will be before they can come see me. I think I will be in until they see me. I thought it would be tomorrow but she said could be longer as they are a busy team. I really don’t know what they will do. I am quite worried to be honest. I am worried they will want to operate to clean the infection out properly. If they do then I will have to come clean to the family about why I am really in hospital. I don’t like being here and lying to them. I have the feeling they know I am lying also. I have just said they are waiting for normal bloods and my stomach to stop being so dam pathetic and not wanting anything inside it. Although I have been able to take Imodium I have had a few problems. I hate telling lies. I lose track of what I have said and so it worries me I will get caught out.

Another nap. I wake up at about 4ish to see they have put another grave dodger next to me. She makes weird noises and is really annoying. According to the other ladies in my bay they have said at night she starts shouting. She was in a side room but has been moved back here on to my bay. I feel awful. I don’t have any patience for anyone at the moment. I feel quite bad how I am thinking about others. I just don’t have patience at all. I am not looking forward to tonight at all. The next blog details what happened next and my thoughts on hospital.

A Weekend From Hell.

Things got bad. Really bad. Thursday night I took an overdose of nefopam and some drowsy anti-histamines. I also cut really badly. I also drank far too much alcohol having a whole bottle of Ameretto, and two bottles of wine. Somehow I ended up coming round the next morning at about 11am on the floor in the office. Locked in. Didn't have my phone on me to call anyone. Luckily there was the internet and I had to call a lock smith who came and climbed through the office window and then cracked the lock letting me be free. That cost me £70! Of course I also woke up not dead, but in a way I was glad as I planned to go out when the time came so wouldn't be my parents who found me. So I then fell asleep on the couch totally missing my appointment with Sam. I woke up and remembered the cut on my leg was horrendous. There was two of them and knew they needed stitching.



So come 5pm I take a trip to the hospital. I tell them at the hospital that I cut that day at about 2 pm as I knew they wouldn't close them if they knew if they were from the night before. I wasn't drunk when I cut. I was when I took the pills. I planned on taking the pills. I planned for a while but I drank also. I don't know if was for dutch courage or what. So I was taken straight in to a cubicle which was nice of them and the nurse was lovely. She is the nicest I have seen before. I was asked if I wanted to speak to anyone from psych medicine dept and I said if they wanted me to they would. So trousers off and on a bed so they can stitch. I was given a local anaesthetic but also gas and air as it wasn't working enough. I have decided when I have kids that there is no way I am doing it with gas and air. It doesn't bloody work! Give me all the drugs you can. So one cut was stitched up and then they had to get the consultant in for the big one. While I was waiting for the consultant, Mike (who is the nurse man I have seen before) comes in. He says he knows I have an appointment with the Dr on Monday (I wonder how he knows this as I only booked the appointment a couple of days before and it's a different department). He sits and chats to me for a bit and tells me how it is getting out of hand yadda yadda yadda and I agree. I know it is. I know it's out of hand. Anyway, after talking to him for a bit he goes off and comes back saying he will get me some Diazepam to help with the agitation etc. After 5 hours down at A+E and the Consultant stitching my thigh I am allowed home.



Saturday -



I had arranged to go out with my friend Saturday evening but really couldn't be bothered. However, I didn't want to let her down. I was feeling like shit as I had wanted to end it all Thursday night and it didn't work. I really don't know how I got locked in the office or why I even went in there. I was feeling knackered and rough still. However we did go out. We started chatting and after one drink we decided between us that neither of us wanted to go out and we were going to go home get a drink and have a chat at home. So we did. She was supposed to stay at mine but as she has not been getting on with her husband recently she decided she was going to go home. Well I persuaded her to wanting the house to my self as I wanted to cut etc. So as soon as she left I got the rest of the alcohol took it upstairs and went to town cutting my leg again. I have tried to go over old scars so I don't end up with more scars so I went over an old scar on my leg. From what I then remember I took a load of the dihydrocodeine and also some paracetamol, diclofenac and what ever else I could get my hands on. I can't really remember much else a part from coming round in A+E. I was told I had been brought in as had been found with a ligature round my neck. I looked at my phone and at 3am I had called a taxi. Don't have a clue where it took me. All I remember was being in the resus area of A+E and they had put a glucose drip up as my blood sugar was low.



Sunday -



I was taken to the ward where a nurse helped me get dressed, when I left I grabbed a bag that had clothes in it from when I was at my friends the other week. So I was quite lucky I had a change of clothes. She helped me get dressed as I couldn't even stand up. I then slept for about 5 hours. I was moved to a different area on the ward and was told someone from Psych Medicine would be coming to see me. I fell asleep again for a few hours and woke up to Mike standing there. Saying that it was getting out of hand.



We then went to another room and had a scary chat. He said we should be looking at admission. I begged, pleaded and nearly started crying. He said things couldn't continue the way there were or I would be looking at involuntary admission. Basically being put under section 2. I said I knew that it was getting out of hand etc. He said he was going to make a phone call to the doctor about it and see what he said. So I start panicking and go get back on the hospital bed and start crying. Luckily the doc he spoke to said wouldn't be for the best if I was put on a psych ward but if things continued that is the way they were going.



After a while I spoke to Mike again when he had done my notes asking to speak to him again. I asked him did he mean that if I self harmed again I would be sectioned. I said I knew that it would happen again and that even though I was there I was planning on when I could next do it. He said no it didn't automatically mean that but he knew I hadn't been honest with people as of taking the OD on Thursday and not telling anyone. Even when I was at the hospital on Friday and threw up all over the place I was asked if I had taken anything and I denyed it. I explained to him that I found it really hard to be honest and open knowing what position of power he was in and that my worst fear is ending up in a psych ward. He said he understood but how is anyone able to help if I can't be honest about the way I am feeling and what is going through my head. Also, if I was feeling the way I am once I have made up my mind about something then I am stubborn, I will do it and I won't tell anyone if it means I am not going to be able to do it. I said to him that I hadn't been honest and there was a whole lot of stuff I hadn't told him as I was worried about peoples perceptions of me. I told him that I know when I am bad as I get the smell come back. This is when there is this smell that no one else can smell, it's the same each time but no one else smells it. I told him about hearing voices occasionally and also seeing things that aren't there. I said it really scares me. He didn't seem shocked by this and kept a neutral expression and said when people are in despair it's not uncommon to have those things happen.



He said he was worried about me and especially the blood letting. He said I had not told him before. I thought I had as I don't really see it as a big deal as it's not going to get infected and I don't need treatment for it. He said it was concerning. I didn't tell him I had ordered a load of hypodermic needles off the internet. Or a scalpel either.



I had asked someone to look at my leg as I noticed the stitches had popped out of both wounds. A Doc came and said they needed re-stitching. 10 hours later someone came to do it. At first he said he wouldn't be able to as had been open too long. He was horrible. He was accusing me of removing my own stitches from it as wouldn't just pop open. I said either they did or they did in A+E. In the end he re-stitched one of them but he left the other one with just a dressing on. So I have a huge hold in my leg. I have not had them as painful as this before when I have cut. I can't weight bear on my leg that they are in. It was awful on Saturday then got a bit better, so I think they popped. I think they may have again as although still really really hurts it is not as bad. I was told to rest and keep it elevated but I haven't been able to. So my own fault really. He was really horrible though and being in hospital those last few hours was horrible as I was just waiting around. Although I did over hear some good news while I was there. There is a nurse in the A+E who I can't stand. Actually not even sure she is a nurse as think I heard her say band 3. Anyway, I overheard that she had got a new job in London. So horrible nurse is leaving. I can't stand the cow. She talks to me like crap and has no compassion at all.



Monday -



So today I had to go see the Psychiatrist. Mike had called him in advance and said what had happened and Mike had arranged crisis team to be there also. I didn't like the psychiatrist really and really didn't like the woman from crisis team. I didn't like Mike at first though, but my opinions are slowly changing. He was practical and to the point. Which is good.I suppose. I was told by the PDoc that I need to go back and see him in a week so see how things are and crisis gave me their number so I can call them when I need to. I can't see the point. I don't know what they can do. As I have said when I make up my mind to cut I know I will. There is no talking me down. So in all honesty I don't think they can help. I don't know what can really. I am still feeling suicidal and am looking in to ways of making it look like an accident. I really don't want to carry on feeling this way. I can't see what anyone else can do for me. I don't have people I can confide in really and if I did there is nothing they can do.



I don't want to be in hospital but I do think it may be the best place for me. Maybe at first things will get worse. There is no way I am going in though. No way at all. If it came down to it I would make sure I killed myself before even getting there and would do all I could to not get there. But what else does it leave?

A New Year, A New Start.

Thought with this being the last day of the year I would write about this year gone by the low lights and the highlights. If I start off with the low and that will mean I end on a positive note...see I am trying out this whole new being positive thing.

Low Lights -

The nasty break up with Gom - Obs I have written about this loads and it has affected me massively, but I will try and put a positive spin on it and although doesn't feel like it now I know one day I will fall in love with someone else and get over him.

Moving back in with the parents - although it hasn't been anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be I would still rather have my own space. I want to be able to drink when I want, self harm when I want, do what I want and not be tied down.

Being in hospital with an unknown illness for 2 weeks - Nothing that was due to self harm, just incredibly ill with D+V. On the plus side...a great diet! I mean a stone and a half in 10days great kind of diet!

Sinking in to depression and self harm again - If you have read my other posts you will see that I got bad again. To put a positive spin on moving back in with parents, I do actually think had I been living on my own I would have tried killing myself and would have self harmed a lot more than I did. I have not cut deeply since November. I have self harmed but not requiring hospital treatment. The pills the psych has me on, I think are possibly doing some good. I don't feel so bad all the time and I have days that are good days. This is not to say that there are not days where I don't want to get out of bed or feel like crying all day, just that those days are not as often. I seem to have more control over it. Which of course is good news. But, I know I am close, I know push me too much and I will be back over on to the other side. Too much has gone off for me to not be so fragile. I do feel quite guilty saying this. I know there are people out there who have dealt with much worse things than me and it seems as though people should be saying to me "get a grip girl"! I do still want to self harm so much. I am going to try not to though!

I think that is it for low points...I suppose they are pretty big things that have lasted more than one day and are ongoing but it's not that bad really.

Highlights -

Landing in Bangkok on my own - such a sense of freedom going travelling for 3 months. No ties and just the immense feeling of freedom (ok, 2 days later I fell off a motorbike and smashed my knee up pretty badly and got infected which they think it was that making me ill 3 months later but it was worth it!)!

Songkran - Thai New Year. I am not really a fan of new year over here. But in Thailand it happens in April and is basically a 3 day waterfight. Amazing. So much fun. Was dancing on KSR in Bangkok with a water gun firing ice cold water at people. Everyone was in a great mood and even the riots that killed people were stopped for Songkran.

Maya Bay - The Beach. If you have seen the film The Beach, well this was where it was set. To get to it it was a proper expedition. First had to swim about 50metres over rocks and where the waves were hitting the caves and sucking underneath. Then had to climb over the rocks by this rickerty ladder and then down the other side. We then had to walk through jungle before coming out the other side on to The Beach. It was stunning. No beaches I have ever seen have come anywhere near close. I've seen lots of beaches in nice places such as Thailand (ok this is in Thailand but in other areas of Thailand), Goa and everywhere. It was amazing. We were quite lucky also as there were not many other people around even though it's a massive tourist hot spot.

Ko Phi Phi - Lovely island, a little touristy but great vibe to it. Got a drunken tattoo here and had a one night stand with a latin american guy. They do not live up to their reputation as being great lovers! In fact he was pretty crap!

Hugging real life tigers! - They were not drugged just tame. It was amazing. Such powerful animals and also my favourite animal. The experience rated up there with a sky dive I did a few years ago.

Vang Vieng, Laos - Very tourist orientated but lovely place. Where else can you have so much fun. It's an adults adventure playground.

Cambodia - I went to Cambodia about 6 years ago and loved it. I loved everything about it. So I wanted to spend some more time there. I loved it again. I would say it's my favourite country in Asia. I love how resilient it is and how it has recovered after the Khmer Rouge. I love the people, they are so friendly. I love everything about it.

Starting Uni - I came out of my first degree in Psychology not really knowing where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. It took a year of working in a Psychiatric unit for me to decide I wanted to be a social worker. To be honest, when I made the application it was based on the hours. I hated working nights and so did not want to be a nurse. So I chose the Social Work route. However, since actually making the application I have looked in to it more and have decided I would be much better suited to this career. I can't wait to get started in it properly.

Becoming and Aunty for the 2nd time - My second nephew was born just before xmas. He is lovely and looks exactly like his brother. I haven't mentioned his brother in here so far as he was born in 2009 and this is 2010. But I am so lucky that I am able to spend time with my nephews and have them in my life as they are amazing.

So, what do I want from 2011.
- To have a more positive outlook
- To carry on with counselling etc to try and help me with the self harm etc
- To become more healthy. I need to lose some weight and start doing exercise.

I'll just say 3 things as I am not very good when have big lists.

Any way - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!