Drunkeness!

After my night out on Friday I am going to find it very hard to look at Stevie in the same light again. She turned into a drunken lunatic. In the end I am ashamed to say I had to call an ambulance for her. She just sort of spaced out and went to sleep on the pavement. I couldn't leave her there and it was cold. I was worried about her getting hypothermia. I know she also has psych problems. The paramedics were lovely. I apologised again and again. I know they had to be professional etc but I felt as though I had wasted their time. They told me I had done the right thing in calling as her airway was not great so they put a NPA in. They also put fluids up.

She has an amazing pain threshold. The paramedic said she wasn't unconscious just very drunk and sleeping. Yet, she tolerated the NPA, a few needles (as of crap veins) and sternum rubs. I was so embarrassed. But the worst was to come.

About 10mins of being in the ambulance and on the way to hospital she came around more and ripped the NPA can cannula out her hand. Caused a nose bleed and hand was bleeding every where. She turned in to an obnoxious fool. The paramedic tried to hold her down but being skinny and small she wriggled out. I tried to grab on also but it's hard to restrain when been drinking. The paramedic told the one who was driving to stop and Stevie managed to get off the bed and open the doors and fly off in to the night. She was shouting and screaming the whole time saying she was not going to the hospital.  The paramedic said he would wait a few mins as of the medication she was on and could be some interactions between that and alcohol. But he wasn't overly worried and she seemed better to me. She was managing to run. Her being small and skinny and in flats was no competition for me in heels and unfit. I had a look around for her and after about an hour got a call from her boyfriend asking what had gone on as she had returned home covered in blood. It was nice of her to tell me she had gone home as I was still out looking around the back streets. But at least she didn't tie anyone up in A+E and meant that I didn't have to wait with her for 4 hours at A+E.

She put me in a horrible position and was really pissed off at her for getting so drunk and doing what she did. I would like to say thanks to the paramedics of Friday night and sorry. I know I have been in that situation where I have taken an overdose and cut and been the obnoxious one requiring medical treatment. So I want to say sorry for that also. I know they will never read this but others in the medical profession may and so it's a general apology really. I know she has psych problems but it doesn't really excuse it. I think anyone who drinks so much they can't manage their own safety as some issues. Why would you want to drink so much. I do it. I know I have problems and I use alcohol as a method of self harm. But most the time I do go out with my friends have a few drinks and have a normal night. What gets me though with Stevie is why she has done it. I try to understand. I know it's not a one off and that paramedics and the NHS has big problems with young people and alcohol. I mean if you look at http://999medic.com/ and http://theparamedicsdiary.blogspot.com/ then it's an ongoing theme.

Anyway, I tried calling her yesterday and funnily enough it goes to voicemail. I think she may be ignoring me as of her embarrassment. I text her boyfriend and he said she had been very sick all day and feeling very sheepish. I've told her to call me. There are issues she needs to address. And I want an apology! It was a great night ruined by stupidity.

I hope she felt worse than I did yesterday and I felt like I was dying. I am taking meds at the moment for PCOS. It has reduced my tolerance of alcohol and I am getting the worst hang overs. I was feeling sick all day yesterday and still do now. I had read it was one of the side effects. On support forums etc people have said when taking the meds after having a couple of drinks the next day they would get the hangover from hell. It's either that, or I am getting old and I can't manage drink anymore. Probably a mixture of them both. I remember when I was younger being sick at night so I could drink more and then not having a hangover at all the next day and being able to go to work after 3-4 hours sleep. Now if I have to work I can't drink at all. I can't manage it. I need at least 8 hours, if have been drinking preferably 12 hours sleep. I have cut down on what I drink now also which is good.

Anyway, I am off out for a nice Sunday Roast and need to wash my hair!
x

Attention Seeking!

Dave says he is going to kill himself. Every night he writes how he can't handle life and there is no other way out. Dave has children, and a wife but it seems as though they don't feel or understand his pain. Every night for the past week Dave has said he has had enough and he has taken an overdose of something. Does Dave not know that is not the way out? Sorry, I know it sounds heartless but to me this is just Dave's way of getting attention. He goes on and on about how much he wants out yet uses methods that will not work. I don't know Dave that well. I know he is hurting and there are obviously issues. The way he writes screams personality disorder. The neediness, the constant wanting.



I know, me of all people should be supportive. However, there is only so many times you can say to people get help, what you are feeling is wrong. But this person doesn't listen, he doesn't do anything other than say I'm going to kill my self I've had enough. If someone is that serious then just do it! Don't keep writing about it and grasping out for the attention. I find it quite annoying how people pander to it. These people do not make it any better. It reassures the person if they behave in that way then if they do the same again they will get the same response. I've done it. I've been there and taken overdoses and have written about it while doing it. Have waited for peoples replies to my thread.



I know I sound heartless. It probably is. I have been on the other side where I have felt so suicidal I have done things to try and kill myself. Mainly overdoses. I know now that that is not the way to do it. It will just make you sick and is painful and drawn out. Someone will usually figure out what is wrong with you before anything happens and you will get treatment. I read a lot of blogs; mainly medical ones. I have a fascination with medicine. There was one blog that really caught my eye it was medic999 I follow him so check him out. He wrote about a nurse from down south who od'd on paracetamol, went to a hotel and waited a couple of days. She went to a hotel outside her area as she knew that if she was in her area her collegues would be the ones who had to try and save her, and more than likely fail. She was in for a long and painful death. She was probably past the stage where you could get a liver transplant. That's another question that I am unsure of. If someone tries to kill themselves by way of overdose and the only way to save them is a liver transplant...should they get one? I mean. there are people on the waiting list for transplants that need them, they through no fault of their own need that transplant so they don't die. Yet someone can jump infront of them in the queue who tried to kill themselves. They don't value their life and they are taking the chance of life away from someone who really wants it. I know the person who took the overdose would have to consent to surgery and if they wanted to die then they would not consent. But still. It's weird for me to take this stance. I mean, I self harm, I have taken overdoses. I have been and still am quite suicidal.

I have even gone as far as telling a friend to take an overdose. But wait, before you judge let me explain why and the situation. My friend is a neurotic, needy person. She was with this guy for a couple of years. She was always coming to me with some problem or the other and to be honest she was treating him like shit! She would not let him be his own person and wanted to mould him in to what she wanted. She was really awful to him and I felt sorry for him. On numerous occasions I had said to her you are being out of order and if you don't do something about it you will lose him! But she didn't listen. So he finally broke up with her. I actually felt like congratulating him for standing on his own two feet for a change and freeing his balls from her vice like grasp.

Anyway, the break up hit her hard. I was there for her as you do as a friend. Went round, made her tea, listened to her, spoke to her in the middle of the night when we was upset and never said anything bad. But then it started getting that she was relying on me far too much, that I couldn't live my own life. She got to the stage where she was going on about it all the time and it was wearing me down. I tried to take a back seat by not answering her calls but she would call on the home number and my parents would answer etc. In the end she was going on and on about how she didn't feel life was worth living. I said to her don't be stupid. You are starting at uni in September, you have got a lot going on for you. And, if I can get through a 9 year break up (on the surface to other people I look as though I am coping) then you can.

She then was saying how she couldn't live without him and she was considering taking her medication for night terrors. I could tell by the way she was saying it there was no seriousness in it. I asked her how many pills she had and she said about 10. So I told her to take them! It shocked her in to seriously thinking about things and the way she was. I knew that they would not do any harm other than make her sleep for a bit. And, I thought she needed a mental health assessment so I thought it would be a good way of making sure she got one! I knew the pills wouldn't do her any harm, but she didn't. Also, in her telling me I thought that if she really wanted to die she wouldn't say she was going to as I had keys to her house and I would have gone round there and I would have got help etc. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I put too much of my own feelings in to it thinking how I am when I have been suicidal or wanting to self harm etc. I don't tell anyone! But my method worked anyway. It made her sit back and look at things.

My other friends thought it was quite ammusing anyway!

So, what I suppose I am talking about her, is how can I take this view point when I myself have been one of the "oh another self harmer" and "oh, you again". I suppose when I am self harming I don't think about the long term or even the immediate future of having to go to A+E to get stitched up. I think about how good it feels to be making the cut. Nothing else matters at the time. I even got corrected by a counsellor I went to see last week. I was talking about self harm and I said I have worked with self harmers and I am a self harmer. She said "no, you have worked with people who self harm and you are a person who self harms". You can expect to find the labelling and negative stereotyping from people who don't do it, but when you do it your self, what's that all about?

If you look at the list of blogs that I follow you can see I have a bit of a fascination with medicine and hospitals. My friend even said to me not long ago that I was weird as I like hospitals. I wouldn't go that far. But growing up I wanted to be a doctor. Then reality hit and I realised you actually needed to put more than average effort in and get more than average grades to study medicine. I gave up my dream at about 14 when I realised I was Miss Average! I think also I am scared of failure and never like to give things all my effort incase I still get average grades. I know they are grossly inaccurate but I love and always have loved programmes such as Casualty, Holby City, ER and so on. I know the facts are not right on them and not even being medically trained I get annoyed when the defib pads aren't in the right place, CPR is not being carried out deep enough, that they defib when it's not a shockable rhythm, and when they leave bra's etc on when doing defibs. But I love the programmes still. I also watch the more real life ones like helicopter hero's, the real A+E. My parents take the piss as I only seem to watch medical based TV.

I think maybe I have chosen the wrong career. I know doing the Social Worker training in a few years I will not be able to afford to go back to the bottom rung of the ladder and taking a massive pay cut. Don't get me wrong, I do think I will be a good SW. I never let my opinions of someone show, I listen to people, I don't let other peoples views of someone cloud my own judgement. I will make my own judgement. I think I am quite a good judge of character also.

I know that TV glamifies positions like Doctors, paramedics and nurses. In reading these peoples blogs they talk about a nice job or a good job being one that involves trauma, not picking people up off the floor who have had a few too many. I know that if I was one I would spend most of my day dealing with drunk people etc, but it doesn't stop me having a slight niggling feeling that I maybe should have re-done a couple of A-Levels and gone in to medicine!

Oh and if anyone does read this and has got this far can you leave me a comment to let me know what you think of my viewpoint. It would be interesting to see if other people share the same views as me...or if I am mad!