Another reason I hate Xmas. Found out Gom is now living with his new GF. I know I shouldn't be with him and I can't be with him as of what he does to me, but that. Well that is a kick in the teeth. It's like we never existed. Like the 9 years we were together never happened. Like we have been forgotten about and I wasted my time. Like he got away with how he treated me and what he did to me. I don't know if I have mentioned before but there were a couple of times that he hit me. He was always verbally abusing me, calling me names etc. I know deep down I shouldn't be with him. But why should be be happy. I have it from two different sources that she is boring etc but even if I have heard that I still can't bring myself to feel bad things about her. I have never met her. I can;t help thinking she is a really nice person and normal and that just makes me feel worse. Makes me hate myself even more. I think that is another reason I put up with him for so long. Always holding on to it because I was scared that I would never meet anyone else. I still am scared. I also feel so angry and upset. I can't differentiate between the two emotions. I feel like just staying in my room and crying for the next few hours. I have not actually cried this much even when we actually broke up. So why now nearly a whole year later!
You can see by previous posts that I talk about my scars on my legs. How do I explain that one to people. It makes me feel as though I don't deserve anyone else.
I am caught in a viscous circle at the moment. The more I hate myself the more I want to self harm and then when I self harm the more I hate myself as I feel pathetic. I look at how messed up my legs are and know I will never be normal. I am always going to have people stare at my legs when I am in a bathing suit. There is no way of covering it. Even talking about it makes me want to do it so badly. Think I will be taking my last lorazepam tonight.
A few years ago I was travelling around Asia and Australia and I used to dream most nights while I was there that I was at home. I would wake up so relieved that I was still there and it was all a dream. When I returned I had dreams that I was still there and would wake up sad that I wasn't there.
Now when I dream I often wake up crying. I often wake up relieved also as I have dreamt we are back together and in the dream I know we shouldn't be as I don't want to tell my friends and family as they have given me quite a lot of support since we broke up and I dream that they will have a go at me and be do disappointed when I got back with him. I know that is how they feel. So what does that mean? Nearly every night I dream about him. Most people think I am over him and by rights I should be it's nearly a year. I have appeared to have done ok without him. I have only let people see my cry once and I have kept a lid on my emotions and I have not gone to pieces around people. I have been travelling on my own. I have started uni again. I have been ok. To other people that is. On the inside, privately I am dying. I mean, look at the self harm. That got really bad and only reason why I have not done it so badly requiring hospital treatment is cos my parents found out about it. I can't be left alone. I am constantly being checked on. So I have settled for less brutal methods like pulling my hair and blood letting. I am aching so much to do it badly. It's a burning need. A recent post I said the feeling is like holding your breath for a while and needing to breathe. Well that breathing is the self harm. It's a need. I am having massive problems controlling it.
For now though I will have to settle for electric blanket and tv in bed. I know next year will be another shit xmas. I can't really go away when it is my nephews birthday at xmas and I don't have the money to. I may be with someone else by then, be in love, I could be anywhere. I may look back on this and laugh at my self for getting so upset over that Loser and realise life with him wasn't all it was meant to be and I was treated like crap and I have done so much better. For now though all I can think about is dying....and my next cigarette!