It's Nearly Christmas :-(

I don't like Christmas. I haven't since I was a kid. But anyway....

Saw G last Friday. I mainly talked about this guy that I had been seeing (well still am), and how I didn't really know what to do. I told G most things about him, but did leave out some of the more intimate things out. And I will on here as well!

But anyway, I was telling him about how weird he is and how I am scared that he may be controlling and how that worries me. It's little things like how he will read a message over my shoulder as I am texting friends, and he will comment on what they've said or what I've said. OK, so it was in his eye line, but to make it obvious you are reading it, I find that weird. But the the other day, he actually moved himself so he could read what was on my phone. I don't like that at all! Another thing was I had some paperwork in a folder that was on the arm of one sofa. I came back in the room and the folder was open on the other sofa.


He doesn't have any idea what personal space is and he stands on top of me all the time making me feel uncomfortable. I have also found myself getting very irritated by him. The other day, I wasn't very well at all. I have had a really bad cold and cough, so I haven't been sleeping and been feeling pretty horrible. He came round on Sunday and I cooked a big Sunday dinner. 2 joints and all the trimmings. It took me about 4 hours to do everything. So he came round, ate it. Said it was nice. And didn't make any effort to help me clean up or wash up. So I started moaning about how ill I was feeling and banging around in a bit of a huff and to make it obvious I was struggling. I had just about finished, all I had to do was wipe down the surfaces, and he then pipes up and said if I want, he can help me. In my mind he should have said before I started "I'll do that, you cooked, you sit down while I wash up". Of course I'm not going to say actually yes, I do want you to. He should have taken control, or even at least offered after we had had dinner not just as I was finishing off. If someone had taken the effort to cook me dinner, even if it was just pasta, I would make sure I helped clean up after. I wouldn't take no for an answer. I know it's quite small. But, he strikes me as quite lazy and expects to be waited on. And the way he eats. It's so bloody delicate. It drives me mad. He needs to man up! He holds the knife and fork the wrong way and it's like he is using chop sticks to cut up his food. I think perhaps I am being irritated by very small things because I don't like him that much anymore.

Then there's the big thing. He doesn't have any contact with his family. He says it's because they treated him badly when he was suffering with anxiety. But, from what he said some of the things they did, they really don't sound that bad. Not so much that you would not have any contact with them and then go and change your name through deed poll. And not just changing his name, but to that of a well known author, an author who was very controversial and whose books, one in particular had some sort of cult following and copies of it were found on a person when they were arrested after assassinations of some quite famous people!

I feel like there is something he is hiding from me. Something he is not being honest about that is quite big. So much so, I have contacted the police and requested information about him under this Clare's Law. So that basically if there is anything in his history that could possibly cause harm to my family or myself, such as domestic violence, they can tell me.

So, if I am honest. I am pretty scared. My friends have got it in my head that something is seriously wrong. They have said that I shouldn't tell him face to face that it's over as they are worried about me. And now so am I.

I was telling G about some of the things that bothered me. This was before I had fully made up my mind and was more just the little mannerisms that annoyed me. And I said to him how I felt that there could be something he was not saying. G said he wasn't going to tell me what to do, as he couldn't do that. But what he did say was that he was a massive believer in gut instinct and I should follow that. So basically, he was telling me I shouldn't go there.

So now, I have to find a way in telling him I don't want a relationship with him anymore. But, I have to do it in a way that won't upset him, as I don't want to upset him as there is the worry he could hurt me.

Also, because of where I met him. If I want to continue to go there I don't want it to be awkward. I want to continue to be able to go there as I really enjoy it and it's helped me no end in combating this whole low mood etc. So, I don't want to stop with that.

I don't think, I want to stop this relationship as I am scared you'll murder me will really work. But what would?

I can't really remember what G and I talked about in our session. We did talk about this guy quite a bit. And what it meant to me having someone who has seen my scars. That has been a big thing for me. Hence why I hadn't been with anyone in 3 years. That there was also the part of me that wanted to hold on to what I had with him as he had accepted me for who I was. Well, who I am! While the sex with him is pretty good, I can't help but think I am getting to that age where I want to meet someone I can have children with. Someone who will be a good father, and someone I don't mind being in my life, for the rest of my life. He is definitely not that person.

I've been having quite a few urges recently. Both harm and suicidal. Perhaps it is because of how I am feeling about this situation and there is all that uncertainty, also because I have been ill the last week, I have not been able to go to the gym and hammer it.

I have also been having feelings of being quite worthless and that I mean nothing. Again, this is probably because I have been physically ill and I haven't been able to get out and about like I usually would. I haven't had the energy and I have spent the last few days at home, only going out for short periods, where as usually I am out most the day. I hope it's that anyway.

Going to monitor it and see how things go. But I am worried it is the start of a downward spiral again.

It's my last ever appointment with my CPN tomorrow. She is moving me off her service and I am being moved over to a different one. I have had her since 2011, so coming up to 3 years. It's only been the last few months that I have felt that I have been able to trust her and be open with her. So feeling a bit off about that. I feel as though I am finally getting somewhere with someone and then I stop seeing them. For so long I didn't like her, where as now I do. But, I suppose that probably shows recovery doesn't it? It shows that I am moving forward.

The schema therapy is helping too. It's making me more aware of my thought processes and how all the things I think and do are related to these schemas, also known as life traps. He did talk about me writing a letter to my parents about how I feel about the things that happened when I was brought up. I have thought about this and am not sure. I can't help but feel it's me being over sensitive. That, it's just the way I have reacted to it. That it's some flaw within me that has caused me to be the way I am. I have said this and G has said that this is my defectiveness schema/life trap being activated. But, I mean, it really wasn't that bad my upbringing. I am sure other people have had it a hell of a lot worse and they haven't come out of it the way I have. So it is me isn't it? It must be a flaw within me. Yes, it may be my defectiveness schema/life trap coming in. But this isn't a belief that it is a flaw. It quite obviously is isn't it?

Perhaps this is something I need to work on more with him. I can't help believing what I believe. But this isn't a belief. A belief would be me thinking I am useless, I have nothing good about me, I fail at everything I do. And while, yes, I do get these at times, I can see that they are just beliefs and I have facts to back up that they are not true. For instance, I have a lot of friends who like to spend time with me, people ask my opinion on things, I achieved a degree. But this. This is fact!

Emotional Deprivation.

That's what came out of the psychology session last Friday.

He basically came out with that as a child, he didn't think my emotional needs were met, which is one of the main reasons why I have the problems that I do now. I was quite shocked and he really hit a nerve with me. As he was saying it, he stopped and asked if I was ok? Then he said he could see I wasn't and that he wasn't sure whether or not to carry on with where he was going as he was aware I was doing well at the moment and didn't want to bring me down. I said to him, while it was hard hearing it and I was struggling with it, I would rather do the hard stuff now and get it out the way now when I can better deal with it. I am more likely to come home, process it and not do anything with it than when I am low. If I am low I get a "what's the point" attitude and cause harm to myself. But, it was a really hard session and I was feeling a bit shit after.

So I saw R Friday night and he kept me awake all night with his snoring and his moving around in his sleep was causing me to do things in my half sleep. So, by the time Saturday morning rolls around I am very irritated and don't want him any where near me at all. All night he has been snoring and wanting to have his arms round me. I was really irritated by him and didn't want him anywhere near me. So I faked ill. I really played the dying girl act, I wanted him to go home and give me some time to myself. We were supposed to be spending the day together but everything just pissed me off.

I've got a few concerns about the whole relationship with him. A few worries. There's a few early signs that are bothering me. So much so I am going to contact the police and talk to them about this Clare's Law. I don't know if it's because my Mum planted the seed and I have told my friend this and then every thing I look for there is something. But surly, it's better to be safe than sorry?

I am worried about him as well. I don't want to hurt him. I have said to my friend I am going to give it a few weeks and see where things lie then. I am aware that he hasn't got anyone else so I don't want to end it with him before Xmas, and it's his birthday in January, so if I still have all my doubts I will end it then. But there is a niggling doubt at the back of my mind that some things aren't right and I am not getting the whole truth.

I'm just going to see how things pan out with it. I am worried that it's me who is being more accepting of it and blind to it because he seems to accept me for who I am. He knows about the scars and what caused them. And because of that there is some underlying fear that I won't get anyone else and because he is accepting, to hold on to it. I don't think it's a conscious thought, but part of me is worried it's an unconscious thing. But also another unconscious thing could be that I am trying to pick fault with everything and am picking it a part. It scares me because I don't know my own mind. I don't understand myself and what's going on. I used to be so self assured, but I am not anymore. I don't know myself anymore. And that is scary!

Why I Do This - (and other musings....I like musing you see)

I am a member on www.suicideforum.com and use this quite a bit when I feel bad. I blurt out all I am thinking and what is going through my head and I get support from other people who have been in the same position. I think it's a really good idea. When I am not feeling as bad I am often one of the people that provides support to others.

It's kinda like what the NHS does with some mental health services. It encourages people who have experienced their own mental health demons to apply for jobs. If you think about it, imagine you are sectioned in a hospital. You are feeling suicidal and can't see a way out. Now who would you most likely want to take advice from...some person who has never had any problems with their mental health, they may be a lovely person, good at their job, but really do they know what they are going on about? Or, the person who has been there themselves. That can turn around and say "actually, I do understand how you are feeling as I have been there myself".  I have actually found working in mental health most of the staff I have met through the work I have done have had their own problems. One of my closest friends through work self harms, has attempted suicide, has had eating disorders, has depression and fights her own demons. Another friend was sectioned and was placed in one of the hospitals I work in. I went in to mental health as of my own experiences. I chose Social Work as a career as of the SW I used to see a couple of years back. He was amazing. Ok sort of gone off course there.

Anyway, I have been using SF quite a bit recently as I have not been doing well at all. I have never had any problems with it until yesterday when one guy made some horrible comments such as

" You are a drain on society"
"You are a waste of space"
"You are wasting everyone time"
You, only do it for the attention hence writing on here and keeping a blog".

He wrote quite a lot of hurtful abusive comments about the self harm and that anyone who does it only does it for attention.

Well I was quite upset about it and it really made me question if using those forums was the best thing to do. I spoke to a few other users and made me feelings known to them that I was upset and he had made me question if I was doing the right thing in using them.

It also made me think about why I blog and why I use SF.

I remain anonymous on here. I don't know if people will actually read this. I know no one I know would do. I did mention to one friend that I blogged and she wanted the address and I said there was no way I was telling her. I use this as a diary. A sounding board to get my thoughts blurted out on. It helps me keep it together. I use it as a distraction technique for when I am feeling like I want to harm it keeps me away from it. Also, if by some chance someone does read it, someone who doesn't self harm and has all these misconceptions about it, well I hope that by being brutally honest about it it will help them have a better understanding. Sometimes I just write on here as I just feel like writing.

I use SF in a slightly different way. Sometimes I need support. One of my issues is that I am overly bothered about peoples perceptions of me. So if I am struggling, if I do something then I can't tell them. Even the professionals who I have met numerous occasions I can't even be honest with them. In fact, there is stuff that I have not even written about on here as I am worried about peoples perceptions. I like to be liked. But then don't we all. But I will do anything to ensure that I am liked. I will go out of my way to help people and not accept anything for it. I really struggled at first working in mental health when patients didn't like me. It took me ages to get over it and realise that they didn't like me as I wouldn't let them have something they could self harm with, or just that I was seen as a professional, one of them! It took me ages to realise it wasn't actually me they didn't like, it was what I was doing. Anyway, with SF I use it to blurt. To voice my thoughts and get feedback on them. Short, not thought out thoughts. I know it doesn't look like it but I do actually think about what I say on here. If looking for advice it attention seeking, then maybe I do that.

Another thing about this self harm thing, no one close to me knows the true extent of it. I have friends who know it's something that happened in the past, friends who don't have a clue that I ever have, friends who know it's something that has happened recently. But no one knows the true extent of things. I don't talk about it with people. If a friend asks me about it I change the subject. I don't like talking about it with people I know. I know there will come a time when I know Sam and Mike better and I will close off to them. No one who knows me knows that I spend my time trawling the net looking at ways I can die that will be a) painless b) quick c) look like an accident d) wont leave someone else thinking it was their fault (so rules out falling in front of a train as it approaches the platform) e) doesn't require an act of bravery on my part as I am a wuss.

So yeah, I have quite a lot of criteria there. I am a wuss. I really am. Although I plan the OD's I always drink before taking them.

So why do I self harm?

I really don't know. I know while doing it I get a rush. It's better than sex (maybe I do need a new boyfriend and sex may help slow down the self harm a little lol). The feeling of the slicing of the flesh. It's like releasing something and I can feel it escape. The cutting is quite a long drawn out process for me. For instance last week I was there 4-5 hours cutting my leg and I didn't realise where the time had gone. I go in to a disassociative state where I lose track of time. It was quite bad last week and it is usually only a couple of hours. When I blood let that is a quick fix. It takes about 30 minutes when I do it properly. There is something about seeing the blood coming out the needle which makes me feel as though I have smoked a spliff. When I want a quicker fix it's just about 5-10minutes of it.

I have been asked so many times about my childhood by different therapists, doctors etc that I have questioned it. I have always before been of a very it's a very freudian way of therapy wanting to relate it to childhood. But the more and more I get asked it the more I think, maybe just maybe those few incidents have had a much bigger impact on me than I realised. I have never shared them with anyone. I am not sure if I will do on here one day.

So my last question is...When do you call in crisis team?

They gave me their number on Monday. I was told I could call them 24/7. But why would I call them. Because I am thinking of cutting, because I am thinking of death? Well I'd never be off the phone would I? Then perhaps when you have made the decision you are going to cut, made the decision you are going to OD yet again. Well, I know myself. Once I have made that decision I will not tell anyone as I will not want anyone interfering with my plans. So the number is sitting there and I wonder, when exactly would I call them? And, I have already opened up to Sam and partly to Mike. I don't want to speak to yet another person who I don't know. I don't want to have to keep explaining over and over again. So for these reasons, I really don't think I will be calling them or making any use of their services.

Waste of Time!

I feel like I wasted my time today.

I had to go see a Psychiatrist about the self harm etc. I don't agree with the diagnosis that they had previously said I have which is emotionally unstable personality disorder borderline type. I said to him numerous times that to be diagnosed you need to meet 5 of the 9 criteria and I only met about 2-3. I agree that there are some traits but then with personality disorders everyone meets traits in some of the categories. I said I meet traits in the other ones also does that mean I have those. A few weeks ago at uni we did a thing on personality disorders. It was a clinical psychologist who ran the lecture and he said to everyone, go through these list of personality disorders and I want everyone who doesn't meet any criteria on any of them to raise their hand. Funnily enough no one did. He said even himself that he met some criteria but doesn't mean he had a personality disorder. Just because I self harm they want to label it as a PD. I feel so angry!

So back to the appointment. He asked me a load of questions. I said to him from the start that its hard for me to be totally honest about what is going on as the thing I fear most is hospitalisation. So I basically told him that yes, I was feeling suicidal and that overdosing is not the way I would choose to do it. I said I would make it look like more of an accident. I also said I didn't have any plans. This much is true as I don't have definite plans. He asked me where I see my self in the future. I said to him honestly what I would like but I couldn't see that happening with the way I am feeling now. I talked about the low mood. I also talked about the thought racing, everything going a million miles an hour and how it can last for a few days at a time. Then it goes back to being low. I quickly brushed over how I sometimes see things that aren't there or hear things that aren't there when I feel like this but he didn't really seem to hear me. What I mean is he didn't ask me to elaborate so I don't think that is a worry from him. After an hour he comes back to the same thing..."I'm not saying you have a PD but there are traits there and you would be best treated by PD services". It makes me feel so angry. He did not listen to a word I said.

I have had my meds changed again. Now being put on Duloxetine and he said if that didn't work then would try Reboxetine. I have looked in to both of them as I do and I hod no faith in the reboxetine so hoping that the Duloxetine will help. I asked him if I could combine the Duloxetine with the Mirtazapine and he said he felt it would be bad practice and went on about how he didn't know me and would be bad of him to do that. I felt like saying "you don't know me but you are making assumptions about me already though"! I just feel so angry about today and felt that it was such a waste of time. I still feel really low and depressed but now I also have the feelings of anger to contend with. So he is referring me on to the PD services as he feels I should have some kind of psychotherapy to address why I self harm. He said he found it odd that I didn't start self harming until I was 22. I do also.

I don't know what I wanted to come out of the appointment today. Maybe I am feeling angry as I didn't get what I wanted...i.e a different diagnosis. I work in mental health already and I know the stigma that comes attached to PD's. It's not a definite diagnosis of it but it's there that there are traits. It makes me angry as every one has traits but it's not in their medical notes etc.

He was incredibly patronising also. You could tell he was doing a textbook assessment..."thank you for sharing that, we appreciate it very much and we know it must be hard for you". Over and over and over and over again. I felt like saying "please just stop reading from your textbook"! I am not stupid. I am aware of what is going on and I don't want to be treated like that. I appreciate some people may give a little more info etc if they feel that what they are saying is being taken with some empathy. I am not one of those. Don't do it with me!

So, I don't know how long it will take for this psychotherapy thing to come through. I have said there is no way I am doing group based therapy. The reasons being are that I work in the city as a mental health worker and don't want to risk being in therapy with my own service users. Also the course I am doing could mean that I am likely to come in to contact with SU's through the studies and placements. But also, group therapy is not for me. I am very private. OK, I know I write a blog about it but I don't think anyone actually reads this and it's not as though you know who I am. But, there is no way I can sit in a group and discuss my self harming and feelings of suicidalness. I find it really hard to open up to people and I have issues around trust so a group thing would just not work for me. I told him this but I will have to wait and see what happens. I was also told by one of the nurses at the local hospital that I wouldn't be able to do psychotherapy until I had not self harmed in about 12 months as of the risk of it making things worse. Who knows what this therapy will be like then.

I have ideas about what could be factors affecting the way I do now. The thing is I have never told anyone about it. I worry about what people think of me too much so to tell them about something that happened when I was 13 is too big a risk I can't take. It's not like sexual abuse or anything like that but some stuff happened and I feel to tell anyone would affect the way people think of me now even though it was 13years ago. There are also other things that I just wont talk about. I know I am not doing myself any favours. But I can't.