Sunday, 20 November 2011


Being moved to intensive care warea.k. No posts dot a whilea.

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Really Struggling

<p>I'm really not wanting to be here. I'm trying to make plans to escape but I don't think it's a possibility. I'm going to be prepared each time though. I have a plan for where I'm going and what I'm going to do. If only I had all my money on me or I'd be straight out the country while the section runs out.</p>
<p>I'm not going to tell them how I'm feeling as it will only make things worse for me. Maybe I'll just have to wait a week or so until I'm allowed off ward on my own as at the moment it involves getting away from a member of staff who is probably a better runner than me. It's not hard being as though I'm so unfit.

Friday, 18 November 2011


I have been sectioned again. Last night was awful. They searched me deeply before I had chance to do anything. I was in a mess and wanted to get out. It meant that they put me on a nurses section and today I woken by my old doc saying there were people already there to do a full MHA.

They have also said if I self harm again I'm off to intensive care. Fucking fantastic! I Can't control the self harm.

I'm nervous now.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

Going Back In

I am going back in to hospital. It's on an informal basis. I wasn't left with much choice really. I don't want to be sectioned again. I thought it was better to go a long with them than have a load of people storm my house again and end up sectioned.

I don't want to go. I am not even sure it can keep me safe. I am even planning on attempting while I am there. Maybe tonight. I really am going with great plans aren't I?

I have a smart phone now so will blog later once I am in with how I am feeling etc.


<p>They have said they're coming round and I don't have any choice. They are turning up at my house at 2pm. I said I'd go there to them but they won't let me. They said. It's obvious I want to control the way things go but it's gone past that and they're going to take that control away from me.

They still want to talk to my mum about the way I'm feeling and I'm still saying I don't want them to as will make things worse.

I don't really know what to do.

Wednesday, 16 November 2011


They've asked me to go informally. Either that or they tell my mum everything so I said I'd go. They need to see if there is a bed first. Waiting to hear.

Update at 17.55

I have spoken to the team a couple of times. There are no beds. They still wanted to tell my Mum. I have managed to put them off. I spoke to them the first time and said I could either lie and say I would be fine or I could tell them the truth and say that although it wasn't in my plans tonight I couldn't guarantee anything. I didn't say I would do anything, just that I was really struggling and that I don't know how much longer I can hang on for. On the second call they gave me the options again saying they had been trying for beds but still couldn't get one and they would need to speak to my Mum. I said I really didn't want that as would make things worse. I said I couldn't do that to her. She is in counselling herself for the relationship breakdown.

They asked why would I not want her to know and was worried about her finding out how I was feeling or finding me dead. I didn't say it, I couldn't but the reason is because, I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out if I was dead. I would be gone. How selfish am I?

In the end they agreed that if I call crisis team at 7pm and speak to them and the duty team can call me tomorrow at 10am then they wouldn't go in telling my Mum. Duty team want me to go in tomorrow. I will, but again I am going to tell them I don't want their input as I can deal with things much better on my own. If I hadn't had all this going on today I wouldn't have had the extra stress making me more certain of planning things. The last time people were involved and I was honest I ended up sectioned. Worst possible scenario. So I don't want it now!

I feel awful. I feel like the most selfish person alive. And as of that in a vicious circle.

I don't want to go into hospital. I suppose if it's informal I have more control over things. But at the same time, the place makes me stir crazy. But again, if it's informal I can leave when I want. No, I don't want to go. I don't want anyone involved. The only thing I am sure of at the moment is the feeling of being suicidal.

Another MHA Assessment?

I may have to have another assessment. I saw Beth this morning and she asked how things were. I said how I was feeling and I told her how it was no longer thoughts but plans.

She was trying to probe into what these are but I couldn't tell her. In the end she was saying how they will probably need to arrange another mental health act assessment with the view to putting me in hospital again.

She said she'd call me back once she'd spoken to Dr T and let me know what they were going to do. I said I don't want crisis team involved as I find them useless. I don't want people coming to my house either. I don't want anyone involved.

I can't see any future at the moment. I don't want any future. I can't deal with feeling like this. The reoccurring suicidal feelings. I tried to explain how now they weren't just thoughts but were feelings. I couldn't explain anymore than that.

I have a feeling I am going to have to go into hospital again. I have started making plans for if I do and hiding stuff. I can't stand hospital it makes things worse for me and doesn't keep me safe. I can't keep myself safe. I need someone to take control for me. I know I can't control it anymore.

I'll update as soon as I know more.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011


I keep looking up methods and how I could go about attempting. I think I know how I would do it if and when I try. It's got to that stage again and I can't cope with going on like this.

I said yesterday that I thought I needed to be back in hospital, well I have been thinking about it more and I think it would possibly make things worse for me. The PDoc in there thought that was the case also at the time. It does make things worse for me being in there, so I can't see how going back in would help. Nothing would help now. I have racked my brains today thinking what would honestly help me. Would calling crisis team? No, I tried that before and it was awful. Would being open with Beth about it help? I don't think so. I think as soon as I mention I am suicidal and have been making plans she will make me have another Mental Health Act Assessment. If I mention it to Sam she will again have to break confidentiality and get Beth involved which again would lead to MHA.

So, it doesn't leave me in a good place really. I have been looking up methods and how much I need of what and I know I have enough as I was given some pretty dangerous stuff. Stuff that would work within an hour should I get it right. But, the same thing is I don't want to do it while my Mum is around as wouldn't want her to find me. So I need to figure something out in terms of that. I have thought of a number of different ways but I keep coming back to the same place.

I have an appointment with Beth on Wednesday. My Mum has asked if she can speak to her. I am not sure why, but I have an idea. It may be something to do with the fact my Mum has noticed I am down again. I have not been out of my PJ's since Saturday. Kinda gross really. I have no motivation and I can't see the point in making the effort to get showered and dressed when I don't have to be anywhere or do anything. When I feel like this I don't want to go anywhere or do anything so what is the point in getting showered and dressed? I know tomorrow I need to get in the shower as my hair hasn't been washed since Thursday and is starting to smell. Gross I know.

I am sleeping quite a bit at the moment. Last night it was about 13 hours and was the same Saturday night also. I feel as though I need it. My time is all off though as I am not going to bed until about 2am so not waking up til between 2-3pm the next day. My mum has probably noticed that also.

I don't know what to say to Beth on Wednesday. I don't want to end up in hospital again. I feel if I am honest that is the way it is going to go.

Sunday, 13 November 2011


I am thinking that I may need to be in hospital again. I don't want to go and will do my best to try and stay out but I am struggling too much. I am back in the planning stage and have a number of ideas. I feel like I did just before I was admitted last time. It scares me how powerful the thoughts are. When I came out the hospital they were just fleeting thoughts but now it's back on a reel again.

I have no purpose in life. I am not giving anything and I can't see a future. I have no point. There is no point in my existence.

What worries me if I end up in hospital is that I will end up somewhere on a long term basis as that is what they said last time when I was on the medical ward and they were contemplating what to do with me, whether to put me back in PICU and then transfer to somewhere long term or to go back to the ward that I had come from. I don't want to be in hospital, I don't want to be alive and I don't have any fight left in me. So, what does that mean?


Been watching twilight the film tonight. I love a bit of Edward action. There was one quote in it though which pretty much sums up how I'm feeling at the moment, and it made me cry (which is not that hard at the moment. I'm a bit of a mess) but...

'Death is peaceful and easy, life is hard'.

It's so true. Especially if I look at my last attempt. I came so close. No pain. And it wasn't hard. Yet every day is a battle and at the moment, I don't know if I can continue to fight it.

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

The Way Things Are.

I mentioned before that my parents have now split up. Well it just keeps getting nasty and nastier. Well maybe that's not the right term. It's getting worse and worse. It's come out that my Dad has been seeing someone already and he has been sleeping with her. What makes it worse is it was a family wedding they met at (my brothers nor me noticed) and it looks likely that it is the mother of the bride. My mum is totally devastated by it. She left him, as I have talked about before, my Dad has the habit of being a bit of a knob so her leaving him was understandable. But it wasn't even 2 weeks after she moved out before he was in some one elses bed. It's a bit weird really.

I live with my Mum and she is in a right mess. She can barely hold it together. Obviously I feel for her. But she left him. OK, it can't be nice. I have said to my Dad I don't want to get involved and am not going to get in the middle of them but it seems as though he has just gotten over my Mum so quickly like the past 35 years didn't matter.

But, is it really wrong of me to think about how all this is affecting me? I am struggling enough with my own thoughts and I need someone to look out for me at the moment. Not me being the carer. Also, I think the boundaries of mother-daughter are close to being crossed as she is wanting to tell me what has happened and how it makes her feel revengeful and asking my thoughts on what she is doing when it is something that has a drastic effect on my Dad. If I am honest I can't cope with all of this. I can't be counsellor/friend/etc. I need that myself at the moment and am unable to offer it to anyone else. I know this makes me sound like the most selfish person in the world. It probably makes me it.

It's draining also. I don't know what to say and when she cries which is most the time I just don't know what to say. I feel so bad that I can't find the words to say. I know I had similar with Gom but then not really as it was only 8 years I was with him, we didn't have kids, and he was the instigator in us breaking up. So in some respect it is more hurtful in my eyes when it happened to me. I didn't want to break up I wanted him. This is her wanting to break up and not wanting him, but no one else can. All I can think of to say is that it seems like the end of the world at the moment but things will get better. But, I think she's sick of hearing it. She must be.

So that's my update on the parent situation and how I feel about it. I wish in a way I was a kid so at least I would 1) Be kept out of it, or 2) at least be able to behave like a child in dealing with it all.

I had Jo the OT woman come round today. She asked me what I had been doing and looked at my activity diary. She told me what I already knew that when I was with people I was in better mood. In that when looking after my nephews the other day my mood wasn't as low. This is because I felt I had more purpose and was nice to feel needed. Anyway, she wants me to think about filling in this application for volunteering a few hours a week. If I am honest I am terrified. I have lost all my confidence in my abilities since being in hospital and I don't feel like I can commit to anything. She has also given me a sheet to fill out that is a load of activities that I have done in the past, do now or would consider doing in the future. I suppose it's so she can get me some groups that I can start going to.

I'm kind of all over the place at the moment and I am really struggling to write tonight. I can't focus on a topic and I'm struggling to make much sense. So I am going to leave it there. I may come back and edit at some point or I may just write another post. But that's it for now.


Sunday, 6 November 2011


On my phone again so won't be a long post.

My mum has said she's worried.
'You're supposed to be on medication that stops you feeling low, yet you obviously are'.
How do I explain that. When my parents were still together and we lived in a nice big house, I'd just spend most my time in my room. No one noticed. Well not that I thought. Apparently my mum told the psychiatrist I'd not been right for the past couple of years. But I'd never been challenged about it. Yesterday I was.

So what do you say?

I had to admit I'd been feeling low. Maybe I am in a depression again. I don't want to admit it if I am. Why? Because it seemed the sodium valporate was working. To me now I feel I have reasons for being low. Anyone in my position would be. There are valid reasons for it. Before it was just because. No valid reason. It just was there. More of a clinical thing that could be fixed by medication. This, well there are things going off in my life and it's reactive.

I've also been thinking a lot about my time spent in hospital and that's getting me down quite a bit. I am also thinking my thoughts are not that far away from how they were then. So does that mean I'm heading towards being in hospital again? I was told this time is critical for me. And I don't think I've helped myself really. I know I've not. But at the same time I can't. What scares me is I'm being threatened with long term care. The nearly 3months care that I spent seemed long term but they are talking more residential. How would you ever recover from that? There isn't any!

Yet, I can't do anything to help myself. I can't pull myself from this. I'm trying to put on a front but people are noticing. And this I know is going to sound really awful, but another thing which is adding to it at the moment is I have a really poorly car that may be on it's way to car heaven. The thought of being without any transport just makes me feel even worse. How spoiled is that! Get over it GP.


Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Utterly Miserable

Today has been a very low day. I've really struggled with my thoughts of suicide. Beth and the person from OT came and managed to talk to Beth about the thoughts. She asked me if I'd made plans and I said I hadn't. She tried to get me to look to the future which is something I really struggle with. She asked me when the last time I'd been able to do so and I said I really couldn't remember. That's kinda sad really isn't it.

I have problems with consequences. In that if I seriously self harm or attempt what consequences this has on me. I think the main one being long term hospital care that specialises in self harm. This was an option that was considered when I was in hospital. Obviously this scares me but I know when it comes down to the self harming or attempting I just can't see what the future consequences may be. I only think about the here and now or if the attempt works.

I'm being threatened with this at the moment and it does worry me. Especially as I can feel myself slipping back. The difference this time is I do have ideas of what is causing it but because I'm already caught up in it I don't want to do anything about it as I don't have the energy to fight it.

Beth can see this and said I need to make small steps even if it's just making sure I put my clothes on each day and go to the shop to get me out the house as doing these small things will make things easier for me next week. My problem is that I struggle to see next week. Not because I plan on being dead, although at the moment that feeling is preferable but because I just can't look to the future. I've got to the stage where I don't want to help myself.

Every task seems like the most mammoth task. I had a form to fill in for uni but I kept putting it off. It was only a tick thing which I needed to send in so I can defer but it took me nearly 2 weeks to get it done. Sam gave me this diary sheet so she can look at how I'm spending my time and how I feel about it. It's based on CBT. Yet I know for me it seems like the biggest thing I have to do.

I think today has been my lowest day since coming out of hospital. I'm tearful. I don't feel as though I can cope with my thoughts and want to act on them. I have the tools. The sensible thing would be for me to get rid of them as at the moment I don't really need them. Not all of them. The sensible thing would be for me to say I don't feel safe. But I can't. Part of me needs the control. I need to know that I can control this and not be weak. The same reasons why I carry razors. It's a control thing and I want to do it on my own.

So as I lie in bed typing this on my phone crying I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want to feel like this. I'm feeling physically ill with it. But at the same time I don't want to put the effort in to doing something about it. Yes, I am feeling pretty sorry for myself and if it was someone else I know exactly what I'd be telling them to do. This is different to lows and depressions in the past as I don't know what caused those. Seems as though a chemical thing being as though the sodium valporate has stabilised me some what. But this because I know what it is and what's causing it my inability makes me feel worse also. I feel weak and pathetic. I'm in a bubble of my own worthlessness.

And it sucks!

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

More On Yesterday's Post.

I wanted to talk more about how I feel and yesterday's post. I couldn't write all I wanted to as I did it from my phone and I have fat fingers so can't use the querty key pad so I do it on the numeric pad and it takes ages.

Anyway, I wanted to write down my feelings more so I can make sense of them. I went to see Sam today and I said I was feeling low and the thoughts of suicide were coming in thick and fast. I explained how I hadn't made a plan but I had thought of a few different methods that I could use. I also said I thought that a lot of this was because I feel as though I have no purpose.

Currently I don't do anything at all during the day. I have no purpose. But I feel as though I am in a vicious circle. I talked at length with Sam about this as I feel as I get lower the less I want to do anything about it. I said that the thoughts make me feel angry and sad. These thoughts and feelings usually lead to behaviours, and if you have read my blog in the past you know what these behaviours are. I feel unmotivated at the moment as I do feel low. Being unmotivated means I stay in bed til lunch time and don't do anything during the day unless someone makes me. This will be my mum making me get showered and dressed or having appointments I need to attend. The feeling of not having purpose comes from not being at uni.

When I was at uni I felt I had some purpose in life in that I was learning so that eventually I could give something back. It gave me structure, it gave me routine, it gave me some sense of achievement when I passed assignments or got positive feedback on something I'd done. Although the course was not without it's stress it was something I enjoyed. And it's been taken away from me. So yeah, I know and I have been told by numerous people that it's quite normal that I feel low.

I have thought about volunteer work so I feel as though I do have some purpose and I can give something back to society but if I am truthful I don't want to do it. I don't feel as though I can do it at the moment. I know I will need to get some paid employment eventually but again at the moment I don't feel as though I could hold a job down. Not with my lack of motivation and lack of concentration.

So there is the circle. I don't have the energy to help myself at the moment and so it makes me feel worse.

I had a phone call from Beth earlier (my CPN/CCO if you had forgotten who she is), I am still seeing her on a weekly basis, she has referred me to OT in the community. They are coming with her tomorrow to see what they can offer me. But again, I have the feeling of not wanting to do anything. I had planned what I wanted to do and it was taken away from me and I don't want to do anything else. I know I need to take responsibility for how I am feeling and not let it spiral again, but I don't think I can.

I am also feeling shit about the medication I have to take at the moment. It's a ball ache sorting it all out. It wasn't so bad when I was in hospital as all I would have to do is go collect it and swallow it but doing it myself is just annoying. I also think the Sodium Valporate is causing me to have extreme nausea. It's terrible. For the past week I have been getting it really bad in the afternoon and throughout the evening. It has a big effect on me and it makes me not want to take it. The whole thing with medication makes me not want to take any of it and I have considered just stopping taking it. Part of me thinks fuck it why bother with it as eventually you'll kill yourself anyway but then there is part of me that knows that it works. The SV has worked at stabilising my mood out. The lofepramine brought me out of the deep depression I was in when I was first admitted. But it's too much. I am on 3 different psychiatric drugs plus my contraceptive pill and the medication I am supposed to take 3x a day for PCOS. I rattle. I don't want to be on all this medication.

Most of it at the moment is I don't want to help myself. But I don't know why. I don't have the confidence that I can help myself. I don't want to end up in hospital again. More because what it will do to my family than me. For me being in hospital is an easy way to self harm and attempt. But, I know that my family will be devastated if I have to go back in again.

Sam was saying I needed to help myself and I was explaining to her since being in hospital and then being told I needed to stop my course over the next year it had really knocked my confidence and I didn't feel as though I could do it. I became quite tearful which is a regular occurrence at the moment.

I know what I need to be doing, but I don't think I can. But what does that mean for me?