New Placement and Birthdays

I start my new placement on Monday and I am dreading it. It's with kids. Young kids. Yuk. I can deal with teenagers, you can begin to rationalise with them. But kids under 5. Not my cup of tea. It doesn't help that I am miles away. And, my car is due MOT in the next couple of weeks and there is no way my shed will make it through. Not when it's a P reg rust bucket. So I don't know what I am going to do.

I'm really not feeling good about this placement. I know very little of policies etc when it comes to kids. Not that I know loads when it comes to adults but I feel as though my experience lies with adults and there is not that many policies really. I have a good grasp of the Children Act. But that is it. I have a  better grasp of NHS Community Care and Mental Health Acts which have been put to use in my previous placements. But I am really not feeling confident or good about it in anyway. I am also being sent to one of the most scumy areas there is in the county. As I have said before I don't like chavs, and I have a feeling this is going to be all about the chavs. I know, I really shouldn't be saying this considering I am training to be a social worker.

However, this is not as bad as someone in one of our lectures, someone who states she wants to be a mental health social worker, someone who wants to be a social worker that...group care is for the best as what will happen if all group care ended as there is no way she would want to live next door to someone with mental health problems. People actually walked out the lecture. I don't blame them. Statistically 1 in 3 of us in that room will suffer with a mental health problem at some point in their life. I also know, that there is not just me but someone else who has said to me he has had problems. Someone else has also said they took an OD when they were 17. So that's 3 of us already! And there is probably more I don't know about.

So, yeah there were a few people pissed off when this all happened. This person has also said before that she thought that disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children. Disgusting really. So me saying I don't like chavs is hardly that bad in comparison. And anyway, I am a good worker. I do leave all my values at the door and don't let my personal opinions impact on my practice or judgement. I would bang on about how that is all anti oppressive etc, but this is not an essay for uni.

It's my birthday next week. I don't really feel like celebrating. I don't want to get any older. It's all quite depressing really. I think one of the reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because no one else does. It would be nice if my friends decided that they would like to celebrate it and did something for me but that wont happen. If I am lucky I'll get a brief Facebook message and that's it. Birthdays get crapper the older you get. Last year I spent the day in a bar in Vang Vieng (Laos) watching FRIENDS, feeling sorry for myself as I was mega hungover and didn't wake up until 2pm. I had been out the night before and as the clock turned 12 was getting free drinks in the bars. I walk home in a thunder storm, crawl across the bridge as I was scared as it was rickety (a nice Lao person helped me) and then fell over a bit more, cut my lip open, met my neighbour and slept with him. We were up until 8.30am and I woke up feeling worse for wear and ashamed with myself as I didn't actually like him that much. I did drink through the hangover though. At first I decided I was going to go back to my guest house, have a shower and read a book in my room on my own. Then I told myself I was being stupid so went back got showered and went out again. Getting more free drinks and drinking through the hangover.

This year I will be on the placement I don't want to be doing. No lie in. I am not even telling them on placement that it's my birthday. I always think this year it will be different and I look forward to my birthday from about Xmas until about middle May.

Then I remember

1) I am going to be a year older and have still not achieved anything in life, as by this age I expected to be married, have a couple of kids, be in a stable job and have my own nice house to live in. At my age my Mum was married with 3 kids and they lived in a nice house in a reasonable area etc etc etc. But, I suppose I should think myself lucky that I do have my parents and brothers still. At 26 my Mum lost her Dad in an accident, he was only 52. I can't remember him as I was only 1 when he dies. But I should think myself lucky that I do still have both parents and they are quite supportive of me still living at home while I am doing my Masters.

Do you ever wish you could turn back time to about when you were 12 and have done things differently. I do all the time. 12 is my time to go back, read previous posts and you will understand why. I don't like directly talking about it so I won't! I would be like Erica in Being Erica. You know, change a regret and then go back to the time you are in now. I do wonder though if I would have been better never having met Gom? And really, I am not sure if I would have, if those events that happened when I was 12 I would not have been working at the pub I was working at as we wouldn't have move house. So I wouldn't have been out with a work friend that night and possibly not have met him. And as much as I go on about hating him I do have a lot to be thankful for from him.

Another regret would be the first time I self harmed. I remember it clearly. If I could go back to then and handle things differently I would never have done it. I wonder what I would be doing now though if I hadn't self harmed. As what made me consider social work was the lovely social worker I used to see who was amazing, and oh yeah, I had a crush on him.

I think maybe if none of those events occurred I would probably be doing medical nursing as was a career I toyed with a few times as I went through school and even as recently as a couple of years ago. When this whole thing with uni was kicking off my Mum said to me that she wasn't sure I was doing the best thing for me and my own sanity. I said that I couldn't do a boring job where I didn't get job satisfaction and she suggested going down the medical nursing side. She even said I could still do medicine. Growing up it was my dream to be a doctor. It kind of still is. But, I don't fancy another 6 years at uni. I would have to do some kind of foundation year in something like biomedical science which I should be able to get on to as my degree is a BSc and then do medicine after. But, I don't want to be an eternal student. I want to work. And, I don't think I could work hard enough. I am average. I am average as I don't try as hard as I should do. And medicine and being average just don't go together.

And 2) I really don't like organising anything as it seems as though although people like me they would rather have teeth pulled than maybe change a work day ( she was working the Saturday), make a slight effort to drive 40miles to come to a FREE BBQ where all they were expected to bring was their own supply of booze (and yes, I have travelled for other peoples birthday things) or be too busy to even let me know if they can come or not. Then usually the people that are going to come are a mix match of people from different friendship groups who don't seem to want to mix with each other as they may catch some awful air borne disease if they breath the same air. So I try and go between the two etc etc etc.

You can probably tell from reading this I am kinda pissed off with my so called friends. But, I should not have expected any better really. Maybe it's me being childish. Maybe it's me as I don't make an effort to go out with them anymore. But why should I go out to places I hate just so I can see them. I thought I was a good friend but maybe I am not. I am trying to think about what it could be that I have done, or what it is about me that people don't like enough to attend the thing I had organised for my birthday. Is it me? Do I come across as someone who is selfish and not a good friend?

Please tell me if I am doing something wrong. Or if perhaps I am being childish, or do I need to change my attitude?

Please comment on this one!!!!!!

Sprung

My friend text me today. She was taken to hospital Saturday night as someone threw a bottle at her and it hit her on the head. Result was her going to the ED. She said what time she was there etc. I didn't really think much of it. Just worried for her as it's a noticeable scar, or it will be when it heals. She kept asking and asking me if things were ok and then suddenly I clicked. I got home from the ED at about 5.30am. She was there at that time. She must have seen me.

So, I keep telling her that things are going great and then I get another message from her

"Are you sure you are ok? I saw you in the ED just before 5. I was about to be treated so couldn't speak to you and boyfriend was with me so didn't want to put you on the spot. I hope you feel you can say if something is wrong".

"Shit". Just what did she see and where? So after about an hour I had made some story up. Hoping she hadn't seen anything. I thought about saying I was there with someone else after a night out but I knew what I was wearing (joggers and a t-shirt) that that wouldn't go down. So I said that I had been sick and there was quite a bit of blood in it. I called NHS Direct and they advised me to go down to the ED. I then made up some story about how it was from my operation and the tubes being in my throat and being sick had caused a small tear. She asked me what had made me sick and I said some kind of allergic reaction. So she asked to what. I racked my brains what I have eaten with her before and am not likely to eat again and I said "clams". She was really questioning me over it. I could tell she doesn't believe me. She knows I self harm. She knows things are pretty shit but I wasn't going to tell her that.

I was worrying that she would have seen me while I was with the paramedics or when I was talking to a nurse when I was on the stretcher. But luckily not. She said she saw me on the phone in the entrance. Weirdly, I had a horrible feeling while I was there and I didn't want to walk through the department to get out so I went round a different corridor. I saw Bitch Nurse but I don't think she saw me. But I had this horrible feeling I didn't want to walk through the waiting area to get out. Turns out I was right. If I had have done she would have probably grabbed me there and asked what was going on and I wouldn't have been able to lie about it.

She kept asking me questions like why I wasn't in the main area. I said I was in a cubicle as I was throwing up and they didn't want me in the waiting area throwing up in front of other people as not nice for them. I said they gave me anti sickness pills while I was there which worked and told to go to my GP if I have any more problems.

I don't like lying but I am not prepared to tell anyone. As I said before I wouldn't give them my last name as I didn't want it on my medical records. I am glad she didn't approach me and it wasn't earlier as someone may have noticed and asked her what my last name was. It was a close call really. But I don't want it on my records. I am not going to tell Sam about it even. I can't see the point!

Bed time for me now. Another day of boring lectures tomorrow!

xxxx

Disappointment.

Yet again I am disappointed. I don't know why I bother.

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. So, I thought I know, it's summer it will be nice to have a BBQ and have my friends over. I was thinking about others in that I didn't want people to spend loads of money and I don't have money so thought it would be nice. So I make a Facebook event and invite friends from Uni and friends who I have known a while. Out of about the 25 people I invited 8 people said they would come. And then, when you have people who say they will come they never do.

What bothers me is that I make an effort to go to other people's things. I have been away usually once a year for someones birthday which costs me a fortune. And it usually means re arranging other things. But it seems as though no one wants to make the effort for me. People have already arranged to be going away that weekend (when they know fully well it's my birthday and they are supposed to be my friend). Bloody hell. I sound a bit young don't I?

I know I shouldn't be upset. After all I am going to be 27. People have plans etc. But what gets me and what upsets me is I give over 6 weeks notice that I am planning on doing something. And then they go and make other plans. And, if it was another of their birthday they always change their plans etc to fit in around. It's not like I am asking much. Bring a bottle of wine and maybe about 10quid in taxis. £15. It's not exactly the £100 and more that it costs to go somewhere for the night. I feel quite let down by them.

Any way. Because I always end up getting upset by my birthday, hence why I made sure I was away for it last year, I have decided to cancel what I had planned and have asked my brothers and my mum if we can go out for a meal together. But I am not even sure if my brother will as he is moving house the next day.

Not family related but what is it with friends. I thought I was a nice person. I thought I was a good friend. I do good things for other people. I know it's childish but I can't help but be upset by it.

I am more upset by this than I am by finding out Gom was planning his wedding to LD. Either that says I am closer at getting over Gom or I am being childish about this whole thing with friends.

One Husky Mama

Gom is engaged. I found out last night. How do I feel? Well I saw it coming. I'll write more about this but first what led up to me finding out.

I went out last night with uni girls. Decent bars and lots of men. We ended up in my favourite club as it is an Indie Disco type place. Brilliant. I never get to go there as my normal friends don't like it. I love it. And it's always full of really hot men. Anyway, so we were there. I met a few nice men. I sat with a couple outside while I was having a cig and went on to tell them that as there was such a big age difference between him and his brother, he was 40 his brother was 23, and the other siblings were around the same age that he was probably an accident. Yeah. I have a way with the guys don't I? I was only joking with him and he did find it quite amusing. They brought me a drink also.

So, back downstairs and I meet another guy, we talked, we kissed and we had a drink. I don't really remember what happened to him. I don't know if I decided I'd had enough, or if I went to the loo and got distracted on the way back. More dancing with the girls and I meet another guy. I quite liked him. We danced, we kissed, we drank. We left the club went to the bar next door as I thought it would be quieter. He kept asking me to go home with him but I said no. I was a good girl. Also, he was really pissed. And I seemed to be the one who was the one in control. If it was the other way around and I had have been not really knowing what I am doing the bloke would have been seen to be possibly taking advantage of a pissed girl. So, I said we would go to the 24hour place and get soft drinks and woop his ass at pool. As we were queuing to go in he grabbed a guy who was already in there. It turned out to be Gom's ex best mate. My friends boyfriend, Jack.

Turns out he was out in a group with him. Then I got chatting to his mates and they said they were going back to Jack's flat which is a penthouse flat and did I wanna go back with them. At this point the guy I was with had gone and I said why not. I knew Jack and so thought his mates would be ok. It was as we were walking back that we were talking and found out that one of the guys knew Gom quite well and he was telling me how he was all busy planning his wedding. I was like, what? He's engaged. And the guy was like you didn't know?

We walked back holding hands but that was it. He was well fit, but he had a live in girlfriend. He kept trying it on but I was having none of it. I said to him that if I was her and he was my bloke I would  be upset by his behaviour. He then went on to tell me about his online girlfriend in Denmark also. Nice guy!

So how am I feeling about all of this. Surprisingly ok. I am going to sound like a bitch now. But...

She is nothing compared to me. I don't like to blow my own trumpet but I am pretty. Ok, overweight but I can change that and I am doing. I have a big personality and know what I want and what I don't. I have aspirations in life and I am doing a Masters so that I can get a meaningful job and do something with my life. I am good fun. People say I am fun to be around and interesting. Now compare this to someone who is not that good looking. As I said before she looks as though there is something not quite right with her. I think she may also be a bit on the podgy side. So I win on looks! Lol. Ok I am a bitch but I am not going to stop.

From what people have said about her she is dull and boring. She has nothing about her and her favourite topic of conversation is what goes on in the City Centre shopping mall's car park. She doesn't have a job that is going anywhere and from what people have said has no aspirations to do anything else. Jack was really slagging her off last night saying how boring she is and he is considering dumping Gom as a friend as he really can't stand LD.

Now the way I feel is. I am not that person. I don't want to be that person and I will never be that person. If that is what Gom wants then we were obviously best off out of it. If that is what is making him happy then let him have it. If she had been drop dead gorgeous and my other friends liked her and she was a different person then I would feel differently. If, she was like me I would feel differently. But she is the total opposite to me.

Ok, I am not with anyone at the moment. But, as you can see from what I have written I am having a whole heap of fun. I spent most of my 20's with Gom. I am enjoying the rest.

Jack was saying last night that I was looking good. He could tell I had lost weight. When Gom and I broke up I was around 19stone. Just not being with him made me lose weight without even trying that much. Jack's friend seemed to think so also. They said they couldn't believe I was with Gom for so long as I am fun, and they couldn't picture us together.

I wasn't supposed to find out Gom was engaged. Gom had told Jack he couldn't even tell his girlfriend Neve incase she told me. Why would he even be bothered? I find it odd. Forget about me and move on.

If I was him and happy with someone else; like he must be if he is getting married to her, then I wouldn't think about his feelings. Why wouldn't he want me to find out? Weird. Or am I just reading too much in to it... please if you have read this far would you comment your thoughts on this.

So I am a husky thing at the moment. I have lost my voice. It's so weird. The past couple of days I was in agony with my throat as of the operation. I think they bruised my throat with the tubes or something. I have been in so much pain with it that I have been in tears. Every time I swallowed it was like someone stabbed me in the neck. The pain isn't as bad now, but I have lost my voice. I have never lost my voice before so I am finding it quite amusing. I was having the piss taken out of me last night.

I had a really good night last night. Even hearing about the engagement didn't ruin it. I am a little upset, who wouldn't be, but I know I am better than her! I really am a bitch aren't I. I sort of feel if that is what he wants and that is what makes him happy I deserve better.

Please comment on this as I would love to hear other peoples views on this!

Still Annoyed.

I need to stop thinking about it but I do. The more I do the more I am hurt by not being invited on this night away. I am hurt because it is my fault. I mean who would want to invite someone to go out in a different city and stay at your house if the last time you went out with them they were so drunk they fell over and broke their ankle. I don't know if I have mentioned before but I was also escorted out of the bar by bouncers. Yeah, so I was pretty pissed. I know I drank too much. The 3rd bottle of wine was not needed. But after 2 I felt normal and I wasn't even staggering about. I felt invincible.

I am also quite bothered that only 6 out of the 25 people invited to a party that I am having for my birthday have bothered replying. I mean it was a facebook invite. It's not as though they have to put an RSVP in the post. I don't know why I bother trying to arrange anything. I end up being let down so often. I think I am a pretty likeable person. I usually go out my way for others. So what is it? I'm obviously not that likeable if no one can be bothered to reply or come. It's things like this when I just want to retreat in to myself and not bother doing anything. Out of my friends there is only one who asks me if I want to go somewhere or actually gets in contact with me first. We are not like close friends or anything, she doesn't know anything about what has been going on with me. And, I have the feeling things may become awkward. She has just got back with her ex which is Gom's best mate. So they may start doing coupley things together and it may just become quite weird. I was hoping they wouldn't get back together. But I never let on. In fact I was the opposite. I thought about how she was feeling about it all and encouraged her to give it a shot being as though she still loved him. But that is that now anyway.

I don't know what I can do to change things. How can I be a better friend? The whole being let down thing has been going on for years. When I booked my trip to Asia I wanted to make sure that I would be away for my birthday. It was so much better not having to worry about anything. I did have a good birthday for what I was awake of it. I was very hung over and feeling sorry for myself. But I gave myself  a pep talk and said there is no way you can go back to the dingy hostel and have an early night. So I drank through the hangover. It was tough going but I did it and I had another good night out. Although the second night out didn't end up with me being in bed with my Aussie neighbour Josh. And, to be honest I was so drunk that 1st night I can't really remember much. I remember crawling across the rope bridge across the river from leaving the bar and freaking out over it as I was paranoid I was going to fall off. Then when I got back to my hostel I walked past the guys all sitting outside. I then remember going in to my bathroom and tripping on the step. I hit my fact and split my lip open and it was pouring with blood. In my drunken state I thought I was in a mess and went and got help. Next thing I know I am in bed with Josh.

So that was my last birthday. Not exactly something to be proud of. I avoided him really well for the next few days.

So I think I may cancel my birthday this year and just arrange to go out for a meal with my parents. I don't want any more birthdays. They are just depressing.

Something That Has Been Annoying Me...

I am quite upset with one of my friends. Seems as though she has organised a birthday weekend away with all my other friends and I have not been invited. I am actually quite hurt by it. I always try to think the best of people and think that maybe she thinks that with me having broken my ankle I am still in cast and therefore wouldn't be able to make it. But even if that were the case it would have been nice to have been asked. Especially as I think I am the only one out of the group not going.

I've not mentioned it to anyone else, but it really has been playing on my mind. I am upset by it. Also I blame myself. Last time I went out with her I did get very drunk and fall over and break something. She probably just thinks I am a liability which could ruin her night. So on top of being hurt by it all at not being asked I blame myself for it also.

I have written about friends before. I would say that I am the one who has to initiate contact with all but a couple of my friends. Those in the same group would never contact me to see how I am, or what's going on. I am the one who always calls or texts. A couple of years ago I decided I had had enough and I stopped contacting any of them. It was over a year before I made contact again. And truth be told I only re made contact as Gom had said he wanted to break up and I needed people around me. I thought I need people to go out with now. So when Gom initially said he wanted to break up in the September I then got in contact with 2 of them and made it out to be all me that had decided not to be in contact etc and that was cos of stuff going on.

I do care about Raq. But even she will not be one to make contact with me. I was in hospital for 4 nights and the only people that came to see me were my mum and my brother. They all knew where I was. The same when I was housebound for the week after. No one bothered to come see me. I don't even think I got any messages.

It really does make me think why I bother. What am I getting out of these so called friendships? But then what do I give. No one contacts me and they are all closer to another so it's not as though I can give advice or be a good friend really. I think about friends and I feel that I don't have anyone I could be totally honest with. I don't have a "best friend" and there is no one I would call when I am having a crisis. I go straight to my brother.

Is it me? What do I need to do? I try and keep in contact by calling and texting but I don't get replies. I am not exactly a ball of laughs to be around but wouldn't a true friend want to be with you anyway?

I feel as though I am growing away from them. Should I embrace that or should I work even harder?

Getting On...

OK, I know I am not exactly old. I am 26. But I turn 27 in about 4 weeks. And I hate it. I hate the idea that I am another year older and have not got any where. When I was younger up until I was about 23 I was fine with birthdays and getting older. But now. Not at all. It scares me. It is a reminder that I am no where in life. Generations before me were married, owned a house and had children. Here's me. Living with parents, still a student, not in a relationship and in a lot of debt that getting a mortgage even in a few years is very unlikely.

I hate birthdays. I really do. I don't mind the being given presents side. But it's the whole getting a year older. When I was growing up I thought I would be married with children by now. I wanted to be. I want to be. At my age my Mum had 3 children. My Nan had my Mum. The females in my family all have been married with kids by my age. Here's me. Nothing.

Getting older is just another reminder of what I have failed to accomplish. I look at my friends and compare myself to them. Most of them are pretty settled or are on their way to being. I am the eternal student. Have never had a job where I feel as though it is worthwhile and career wise. I have not had a career yet. It has only been the last 2 years I have decided which route I want to take. But now, I think of that and think I have probably pushed myself too far and I am out of my depth. I feel as though I am drowning. I can't do a Masters. Who was I kidding?

I feel that my mood is pretty stable at the moment. That is why I can make the decision that come the end of July when everyone is on holiday I can act on my decision to end it. I don't have definite plans yet. I know it wont be an OD unless I can get a load of morphine again or any opiate based. This morning I was in a hell of a lot of pain with my back. Because I am in a cast and walking on it I have one leg longer than the other which has led to me having a bad back. Paracetamol and Ibrupofen hasn't touched it. What I had got was Panadol which is paracetamol with dihydrcodeine in. Only 7.5mg. Before I was taking 60mg of the Dihydrocodeine and that worked quite well when my ankle was bad. So I took 8 paracetamol. Hardly an overdose. But it has left me feeling sick all day. I have had my head over the loo thinking I am going to barf as I had that weird feeling in my mouth and it filling with water. But no, I wasn't sick, I wasn't given an relief from feeling sick. It reminded me of the overdoses I have taken and why when they were suicide attempts they weren't successful. It is because being sick scares me. So the times when I wasn't found by someone I ended up getting help myself. I don't know. I am not saying it was the case each time. I know I wanted to die. But I couldn't handle the side effects from what I had taken. Maybe when I used to leave the flat in the middle of the night it was a unconscious thought process that someone would find me.

So no overdosing for me. I can't handle the sickness.

I don't want to turn 27. That's getting in to my late 20's and only 3 years off 30. 30 is old. I was teaching my nephew ages the other day and I asked him how old he thought I was. He said 5. He is only just 2. Bless him. So I said no, I am a lot older than that and I told him I was 26. I then asked him again how old I was and he replied "old". Yeah thanks!

I am feeling older also. I can't drink like I used to when I was younger and be over the hangover a couple of hours after waking up. I now have 2 day hangovers. If I go out in to town at night I am one of the oldest. It's all kids in clubs. If you go to the bars where there are older people either they are the old chavy type. Or the bar is really expensive and you pay something like £7 for a single and mixer.

In my city there is a suburb that is really nice to go out in and is older people. But again it's expensive.

It's funny really. I have been going to clubs and going out drinking since I was 15-16. It was something we used to do quite regularly. We used to go out, take about £20 be wrecked but have also been to a club, got food and a taxi home. I can't do that now. A night out usually costs about £50 minimum. Hence why I don't tend to go out that often. Also, most of my friends don't like the same places that I like. They go to shit, chavy bars, see the same people and then go to Oceana where you stick to the floor and it smells like feet. In that place they should have not banned smoking. The smell of smoke is much more preferable to the smells of that place. They go every single week. They see the same people. They have the same arguments. It drives me mad. So I don't tend to go out with them that much. The places I like to go are apparently too pretentious! What? No, it's just that they are not chavs and they have a decent taste in music rather than the boom boom boom synthesised shit! I'm too old for that shit!

I've even had my Mum say I am too old to be going out to clubs etc. And to be honest, she is probably right. There are only a couple of places in this city that play decent music. And that is full of students. No matter what night it is the students tend to gravitate towards it. It's a really small dingy place. It's dark and you do stick to the floor. But the music is ace. It's my music. But I don't get to go there as the girls wont go. So, if I am feeling like I want to dance it's the cheesy crappy places they like.

I have found though as I have got older my tastes in bars have changed. There's a really nice wine bar that I love going to. They usually have an acoustic guy on and it's really chilled out and a nice atmosphere. I don't tend to like the places I used to like. I have grown out of them. I wish my friends would grow out of the places that they go to.

I don't know why but I am trying to arrange something with friends for my birthday. I don't know why I am bothering as I will only end up being let down by people. But, I am going to say to people I am not getting any older now and I am going to be eternally 21. I do not want to get any older. It is really scaring me.

But, if all goes to plan. I wont be getting any older.

Jealousy

I have these huge insane feelings of jealousy at the moment. It's awful. I feel bad for even talking about it but I need to articulate them for myself.

The first one is of someone I know who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has months to live. I am jealous of her. I want to be the one who dies. It's acceptable isn't it to die that way. People wont be angry with you. I don't want people feeling sorry for me just that it's an acceptable way to die. I know it's awful to say that. I know a lot of people who are close to her on the course would not be friendly towards me if they knew what I did while she was laying there dying. Even if she knew how I felt she would probably hate me for it. I wrote to her not long ago. I didn't say anything about me and just that I was thinking of her. She will have no idea just how much I am thinking of her.

Another one is my mum telling me about her friends niece dying as of an allergic reaction to general anaesthetic. I have this operation coming up soon and I hope that something like that goes wrong for me. You are not supposed to eat before generals but I am not going to listen to that in the hope that something does go wrong.

Another jealousy I have at the moment is seeing my friends getting married and having kids. Why are they so happy. It's not fair that I have to deal with this crap in my head all the time. I want babies. I want babies soon. Previous blogs have noted how broody I am. I don't want them to be unhappy but I am jealous of their happiness and what they have.

So what's all that about then. On one hand I am jealous of people dying and I don't get to. Yet on the other I am jealous of people's happiness and babies.

I think it shows that whole more than one person in me thing maybe.

Who knows?

Disappointed....but for the wrong reasons.

I wrote about it last night on SF. I had tried self harming last night by my usual blood letting methods and I could just not find a vein anywhere. So lots of puncture marks no release. I had worked myself up to it. I knew I was going to and had worked up to have those feelings released by the self harm. Then they didn't I just felt really disappointed and let down.

It's bad isn't it when things work out like that.

I have slept loads today at least. I woke up at about 11, went back to nap at 1 and woke at 4.30pm. Good nap. Think it was cos I took 150mg of Quetiapine last night. I am only supposed to be on 100mg. My thought processes behind taking more were that I wanted to sleep the day away. I plan on a bottle of wine and the same again tonight and hopefully I can spend most of Sunday asleep.

I had thought it would be a nice idea to go on the park with a book. But the idea of getting dressed and sorted was too much for me today. So it has been a PJ day.

I think part of the reason I am feeling so down is because I don't have any money and it's a week until I get some more.

I get a bursary though of around £2000. It is meant to last me 4 months. I know what I am like though. I am already planning the things I want to buy. It's my birthday in June so I can ask for some of the things for my birthday. I want some RayBan prescription sunglasses. So I will ask for those as a birthday present. So I wont be needing to buy them. I also want some new clothes. I need a summer wardrobe. You know those harem style trousers I want some of those as I get too hot in jeans over the summer, so I will probably buy a couple of pairs of those. I also need tops. I only have 1 t-shirt at the minute. I don't really like wearing t-shirts as of two reasons....my bingo wings and scars. I think normal people wont question them but professionals and people in the field I am in will.

I think I am going to get a bouncy castle also. Ok, that sounds a bit weird...but I want a BBQ for my birthday and I had a bouncy castle for my 21st and it was great so I want another one. It is a good laugh when you are pissed and there's a few of you. I was covered in bruises though. Worth it!

I say I am going to have a BBQ. But I hate organising anything. My friends are useless. I try and do something and they always drop out at the last minute and I end up getting hurt. So not sure if I want to arrange something like a bouncy castle if only 4 people will come. It's always loads of effort trying to arrange anything and I end up being let down. So I don't know if I will bother after all.

I also want to get a ticket to Leeds festival. The line up looks amazing. My brother is going with my sister-in-laws brother so I have asked if I can tag along and he has said yeah. The line up looks brilliant and I really wanna go. I get petrol money back from placement at the end of the month and that will pretty much cover my ticket cost. So I don't really mind paying £200 for the ticket. As I said...line up = amazing!

I have been sitting planning what I am going to spend my money on. It's bad isn't it? I know I should be saving it but I can't have it sitting there in the account.

I was going to go to Spain for a few days but I would rather go to the festival so I am putting the money towards that. I need new shoes also. I'm getting a pair of coloured converse (slightly more summery) and I need some summer shoes that aren't open toe or too soft. Risk of needle stick injuries and all that.

I've gone a bit mad there haven't I?

I still feel like I wanna self harm. I will do later. I think having a drink may help as dilutes my veins and brings them to surface.

I am feeling a bit speeded up today and I can't concentrate on one idea for any period of time. I thought reading a book may be a nice idea but I read the first page over and over as it wasn't going in. Annoying.

x

Friends.

I have noticed recently that since I have become a bit mentally interesting again my friends seem to have disappeared. I know I should make more of an effort but there are a couple of friends that I am quite hurt by.

First off - Annie

She is supposed to be my best friend. I first met her about 6 years ago while working for a bank in it's call centre. We became really close and used to go out together all the time. She was my slightly mad but in a fun way, you know the kinda dippy blonde who needed looking after friend. But at the same time she was highly intelligent and great at giving advice and making you feel better. She knew about my problems when they first kicked off in 2006. She knew about the self harm also but not the extent of it. She has always been a bit unreliable and a pain to get hold of as she puts her whole self in to her job as a teacher. She is a fun person to be around and I love her to bits. But. I am the one who always makes contact. Well tries to. She never answers her phone, she never replies to texts and is a pain to get hold of. I last saw her at the end of January. We went out for dinner and I told her a bit about what had been going on and nearly started crying in the restaurant. I have not heard from her since. I have tried calling numerous times and her phone now appears to always be off. I do worry about her. But at the same time I wonder if it's something I have done. If she just doesn't want to be friends as I am screwed up and I am draining. She will probably get in contact with me in the next couple of months probably over the Easter holidays and suggest meeting up. I hope so anyway. I really miss her.

Jemima -

Met her in 2004 at uni. In all honesty I didn't like her at first. I found her really hard work. She is neurotic, she is an attention seeker. She makes you feel bad for things you shouldn't feel bad for. But I put up with her and as I don't just cut people out my life I left her there. Over the summer we saw quite a bit of each other. I was there for her when her bloke dumped her. I warned her it was coming. I told her she was treating him like crap and that she couldn't expect him to spend all his free time with her. He needed his own space also. When he broke up with her she went a bit odd. First off she ran off to her Dad's.

They have a strange relationship. He abandoned her when she was a baby and only got to know him when she was 15 or so. To me it seems as though he wants to buy her love by buying her things for the house etc. They had a massive falling out not long ago when she went on holiday with him. She decided she wasn't enjoying herself and was going to come home early. Bit of a kick in the teeth to her Dad really when he had paid for her to go with him, Anyway, she went running to him. She was in such a state that her Dad wouldn't leave her alone and she then went to her Gran's and her Mum's. She got signed off work for about a month over it. Me and my other friend kept saying to her that she was doing the wrong thing by being off work. I had gone through it myself from a much longer relationship where we lived together etc only a few months previous and I found the best distraction was work and threw myself in to it.

Anyway, she would just not listen to anything anyone was saying to her. She would call me up really late at night crying and being hysterical and I would talk to her offer her advice but she would never listen. It drove me mad. One day she called me saying she had lined up her pills she takes (they are anti-convulsants for night terrors) and she said she wanted to take them. I asked her how many she had and she said about 9. I just said to her do what you want, it won't work, all it will do is make you fall asleep for a while and then have a hang over. I stopped pandering to her. I couldn't hack it anymore. I got firm. This was in the hope she would stop asking me for advice every minute of every hour. I suppose it would be around this time that I started to have issues again also. My plans with her didn't work and then I used to get "GP, you always tell me how it is, what do you think". So being honest didn't actually pay off either. In the end she seemed to get sorted out. It was going back to work that helped. Funny that isn't it? Fair enough if you have an ongoing condition which means you are better off work. But that was something that would heal in time and she needed distracting.

Anyhoo. I have not seen her since September. The first OD I took on the 21st September I was kinda ill in hospital. I was hooked up to heart and BP machines all the time as my heart was going really fast. The hospital were concerned about it and I was in a monitored bay of 3 beds with 1 nurse. Because I left the house in quite a hurry I wasn't sure if my back door was locked. I was getting quite stressed about it. Being as though I thought she was a friend and I knew she was off that day I called her and asked her to come and get my keys to let herself in and check the back door for me.

At first she was really reluctant to. Saying she wasn't sure if she could etc. I told her I was quite ill and I wouldn't be allowed home. She came in to the hospital and saw me hooked up to the machines. While she was there she was still saying she didn't want to as was worried about doing something wrong. While she was there the doc even came over as my BP and pulse was getting even higher. She did end up going to my house ( which is only 2 minutes from hospital) but she couldn't get in as the key is a bit dodgy. So she came back to the hospital really angry at me etc. In the end I managed to persuade the Doc to let me go for about 20mins so I could go home and do it myself. He could see that it was not good on me physically the stress it was putting me under.

I did actually say to her at the time that I was thankful she came but I was a bit disappointed at her attitude considering what I had done for her over the previous months and I was a bit upset by it.

I spoke to my other friend about all of this (a mutual uni friend) and she was so pissed off at her that she contacted her having a go at her. Jemima then contacted me saying she didn't appreciate I was saying things behind her back and that I should be really grateful to her for taking the 2 hours she spent on her day off trying to sort things. I said I was, I hadn't said anything to other friend that I hadn't said to her but I was upset with her by her attitude.

I haven't seen her since. Contact has been next to nothing. A text on her birthday and a text at Xmas. She doesn't have a clue what is going on at all. But I am not bothered. The relationship I had with her was very one sided and she was take take take. It was too much effort.

Anna -

Not seen her since 21st September. I ended up telling her quite a bit in my drunken state about self harming and how I had been feeling. She twigged I had OD'd called an ambulance and left. She does have her own issues also. But I thought friends were supposed to be there for each other. She doesn't reply to messages or emails. So I think I have been cut out of her life there. I kinda miss her though as she was a good laugh. I did bump in to her in town and she was far too thin. I am worried that her ED has come back. I feel really bad for doing anything while she was there. How I put her in that position and I feel an idiot. I have lost a good friend there.

But it's amazing how you find out who your true friends are when things go belly up. I have 3 close friends who know what is going on. They know about struggles with uni and possibility of being pulled. They don't know the extent of my self harm. But I did tell one of them about how scared I was of hospital and a bit more detail. Those guys have stuck around. They text me to see how things are and what's going on. I've got lots of other friends but they don't contact me at all. We only really talk now on nights out or events where we would all be together. It does upset me as I went to school with these guys, I have known them more than half my life. Maybe I should be the one that makes the effort but why should it always be me?

I have got other friends. But I don't tell them anything. They are good fun to go drinking with and we share similar interests but I don't tell them anything like that. They are more than acquaintances, but not quite close friends.

I know I should make more of an effort with some of my friends, but with Anna and Annie there is nothing I can do other than give up or wait. With Jem, I a not bothered. Her friendship had been a drain on me for a while. But I couldn't dump her as she had no one else. But I am quite confident she has met other people from her course now so I don't feel as bad. I suppose it came at the right time really.

Has anyone else found that friendships have changed?

x

Challenged

I saw Dr T the Psychiatrist today. I wrote a long post and reply on SF so I thought I would just copy and paste it here. I come back to this and read what I wrote previously. (If you are a reader from SF there is more at the end in this colour that is not on SF).

I saw the Psychiatrist. He challenged on my thoughts etc. I found it really hard. I could see what he was doing though. One of the things he said was "you have come and asked for help. But it seems as though you don't actually want it". He meant that I came to appointments and I was asking to be helped but I am not doing anything to help myself. He said the times when I needed help the most I wasn't seeking it out. I think I can deal with things on my own and file the problem away but really I haven't dealt with it. Like on Friday I was feeling bad, agitated, suicidal etc. I thought I had dealt with it but Saturday went to show I hadn't. He asked me why I wouldn't ring crisis team, I was under their care for a reason and how it looked to him was that I wasn't accepting the help that had been offered.


I explained to him that I thought I could deal with things myself and that I felt pathetic at having to ring them when it is minor things that have got me in to a tizzle. I feel that there are people who are in worse situations who deserve their time and I prefer to try and deal with it on my own. I explained how I found it really hard to speak to people on the phone. Especially people I didn't know. That's why these hot lines don't work for me. If I am talking about something personal I need to see their face to gauge their reactions. I can talk about it on here and my blog as it is anonymous. I said I have a thing of where I get to know someone and then rely on them for support. I said I knew it was unhealthy but I struggle to be open and honest with people I don't know. One of the things that worries me about crisis team is having to explain everything. Having a different person each time and having to tell them everything.

He then went on to say that I couldn't just rely on one or two people. What if they are ill, on annual leave etc. I know what he is saying as I could really do with talking to Sam my counsellor about the weekend but I know she is on annual leave. She said text me if you have any problems but I don't want to disturb her time off. It's not fair on her. I would call Mike at PM but there is nothing they can do as they are assessment only. So that leaves me with no one to call and no one to off load on about what went on at the weekend.

Anyway...plan of action...

Clinical Psychology want to work through the counsellor I already see. The Clinical Psychologist supervises a lot of staff already from that organisation. Dr T said there was a good chance she already knew my case as may have been discussed in supervision...but she wouldn't know me by name. So what they are hoping for is the clinical psychologist to lead Sam in what she does with me. This would work a lot better for me as would mean I didn't have to go to the hospital where I have worked numerous times to go see her and have that risk each time I go and I am limited on when I can see people. I have counselling sessions in the evening after work which works and I only have half a day each week as study leave. So fitting it in around that schedule would be hard and could mean I am waiting weeks if not months for an appointment that would come up when I have that half a day off. He also said it would probably be better for me to work like that as it's obvious I find it hard to trust new people and find it hard to build up that relationship to it means I can continue to work with Sam who I know and don't have the stress of the new person thing. He also said if I was to work with the Clinical Psychologist directly I would have to stop seeing Sam as wouldn't work as approaches may be slightly different.

I am being referred to have a key worker/CPN. I asked him for one quite early on in the appointment and he said that was something he was going to discuss with me as he thought that would be beneficial.

He asked me if I would call crisis team when I am struggling. I find it hard to know when I am struggling and what if any triggers are. He asked me if I thought if they should call me and I said that would be better then I don't have the hurdle of picking up the phone.

He said he could tell I was putting up a lot of barriers and that I wasn't doing myself any favours. I told him about trying to kill myself while I was in hospital. He asked me why. I told him why. He challenged me over that saying I had gone to the hospital for the infection in my leg wanting help. I had gone voluntarily so it was obs something I was concerned about. Yet while I am there I tried to kill myself. He asked why then. I explained that I was struggling. I told him I did even try crisis team but I couldn't get through. I had told the nurse I was also.

He said I didn't try hard enough to get through as all I needed to do was call local hospital switch board and asked to be put through. I thought if I did that it would page them (as the person I did speak to at psychiatric hospital switch board said I needed to call local hospital switch board and they would page them) and I didn't want them rushing down thinking I was going to top myself I just wanted to talk to someone. I wanted to speak to someone. I was really freaking and couldn't self harm which I had tried.

I explained that I saw it as an opportunity for it to look like an accident. He then went on about consequences. Who would have paid them. I said no one. As it would have been an accident and he went on to tell me how wrong I was saying that the nurses would have been found negligent and the ward staff and others on the ward would have paid the consequences. So that made me feel bad. I am already feeling bad about what happened over the weekend and had a shit result back on one of my essays. So yeah not good really.

He asked me to throw my needles away. I was honest and said I wouldn't. I said I knew I would cut more if I did and I saw that as being worse as meant that I required services. And that this was stopping me from cutting. I knew I couldn't throw them away. Not yet. I am not sure if I ever will be able to. Even if I come out of this episode then I will need to have them there as a just in case.

So now I suppose I have to wait for crisis team to get in contact. For CPN/key worker referral to go through and for the next time I see Dr T which will be towards the end of March. So no change really. I am still in the same position. I still feel crap and suicidal. It was noticed today also that I was quiet at work. I just blamed it on being tired.

So I don't really know what I can do now. Not seeing Sam until a week on Wednesday as of her annual leave.

I was asked a couple of questions from other members about being challenged and other support groups...
 
At first I wanted to get up and walk out. But I calmed myself down and saw what he was doing. And to be fair to him I could see his point. So I wasn't going to achieve anything by doing that.


Dr T is ok actually. I wasn't keen at first but today my opinion changed of him. I can see where he is coming from and see what he is getting at. And looking at what he is doing from a professional point of view I get it and agree. It's just that I don't like being challenged and can become quite defensive. But in his position I would be doing exactly what he is.

In terms of groups etc...I wont do them. I know I posted yesterday about people asking for help and when people were suggesting things they kept knocking them back. And being in agreement with the person who wrote something quite controversial about a person and I agreed with them. I realise I am being that way also. Having asked for help and not prepared to listen. I have reasons for not doing groups or even going to certain places. The first being is that because of what I am doing and what I have done. I work in social care. I don't want to risk coming across my own service users. I have already experienced meeting service users when I have been in the waiting room at the psych offices. Then I have seen social workers who I have been in contact with through work while I have been waiting. I can't risk people I work with seeing me and either finding out what has been going on. The other thing about groups is I can't talk to people. I can't unless I am in a private place, there is no chance of others over hearing and I know that person. I need to feel some kind of connection to that person for me to be able to tell them anything.

Yes I can tell someone who is from psych medicine, a nurse who I have never met that I self harm, that recently has got worse and I feel low. But that is about as far as it goes. I don't tell people about me. Nothing about my thoughts or what goes through my head. Yesterday with the nurses on 136 suite I was able to tell a little bit more to as I spent 8 hours there. He didn't push me and he was really good...and it was a he!!!! For some strange reason I am able to talk to blokes better than I can women.
I want to build a support circle. Not a social one. This is all private to me. To friends it is scary and they don't understand. It scares them. I don't want to push them away. I did that a couple of years back and went a year without seeing a lot of my friends. I am different to my friends in the fact that I self harm. It's not something I expect them to understand or that I even want them to. I want my friends for going out with, having fun with. I am the strong one. I am the one who has worked in psychiatric places, I am the one who is working towards a career in an area which involves mental health. I am the one they ask advice from. I am the one who is strong. I don't want people worrying about me. I want to be able to talk to someone and not shock them with what I have to say or make them overly worry. For me having worked in psychiatric care I know within those circles self harm and mental health is something that is discussed every day. I have worked with people who have done shocking things (eg..woman's private place also known as a hidey hole - gross I know but some of the stories I have you would never believe), I know in that client group I am normal! I am not over worried about. Mental health is so stigmatised and I don't want my family and friends thinking I am different as they would do if they knew what was going on. I don't want to feel any more "strange" than I already do. It's bad enough me dealing with it without making other people deal with it. I want a professional support circle as within that I am normal. Here I am normal and anonymous.

And to be honest I don't think I have any friends who I could confide like that. I don't have any really close friends any more. I used to. But since 2008 when I cut myself off I have never really got back the closeness and not been able to confide in them. And as awful as it sounds I am embarrassed by myself and the feelings I have.

So tonight. I thought I would try and talking to a friend. I thought I would be able to have a chat properly and try and be honest. See what a good friend I am I didn't even know her grand dad died only last week. I couldn't off load on her when she has that to deal with. This friend Raq, I let her read my diary a couple of years ago and it was after that I cut off contact. I was embarrassed by it. I am embarrassed by myself. So I decided I wasn't going to say anything. She asked me if I had been on any dates recently as we usually have a good laugh about the nutters I have met on line. I just said I haven't even bothered. She asked why not and I just said my head wasn't in the right place. She asked me if I was bad again. I said yeah. She asked if I was seeing anyone and I mentioned the counsellor first and then told her that was seeing a psychiatrist. I haven't said anything else and I changed the subject or gone in to any detail. I don't want to tell people I know. I just don't want to let anyone close to me at the moment.

 The drive helped though. I had the music on really loud and when I was driving along I was screaming out the songs. Especially the Fuck You song by Cee Lo Green. In my own selfishness of being depressed etc I have let my friendships go to pot. They don't even contact me to let me know someone close has died.

I am also in a bit of a mess as I had some marks back today from work I have done at uni. I was expecting a good mark and I only just passed. It's the second essay I have had back. I passed the first one but again only just. I put so much time and effort in and only just passing them. It really makes me wonder if I am cut out to be doing a Masters. In my degree I never really cared that much. I didn't put effort in and would leave doing the essay until the day before it was due in. And I was still getting better marks. I don't mind getting average marks when I don't put effort in. But when I put loads of effort in and still only get average grades it really is making me question if I am doing the right thing. Should I have done the undergraduate course instead? So been feeling shit about that, the psychiatrist appointment and just everything in general really. I don't know how much more I can take. I am starting to feel and think "WHAT IS THE POINT". Yeah sure I will be good at the job, hopefully unless I royally screw up. But there are plenty of other great social workers out there. I am sure some of the ones I am training will be amazing. So I will be one less. So what!

As I said to them in the MHA assessment on Sunday, the course is the one positive thing, the one thing that keeps me going,

Dr T said he was glad I wasn't sectioned. He did say also that being hospital isn't best for me at the moment. At the MOMENT. So does that mean if it carries on it would be?  He also said if I went in it would be a matter of weeks for full assessment. He doesn't know that I spend a lot of time researching methods. He doesn't know it's one of those things that I always think about. It is taking over my life. I have told Sam. But as I don't have a definite plan then she can't say anything to anyone. But if they knew just how much it was going through my head and there is only one thing that is keeping me going then what would they do? I think his biggest concern is that I don't speak to anyone. That I only really speak to Sam about things and I need to learn to ask for help when I am in Crisis Point. I don't want to ask for help when I feel like that. I worry it will be seen as attention seeking. I really don't think I will be calling anyone from that team. If I want to SH I will usually. I really don't know what I am going to do!

Why I Do This - (and other musings....I like musing you see)

I am a member on www.suicideforum.com and use this quite a bit when I feel bad. I blurt out all I am thinking and what is going through my head and I get support from other people who have been in the same position. I think it's a really good idea. When I am not feeling as bad I am often one of the people that provides support to others.

It's kinda like what the NHS does with some mental health services. It encourages people who have experienced their own mental health demons to apply for jobs. If you think about it, imagine you are sectioned in a hospital. You are feeling suicidal and can't see a way out. Now who would you most likely want to take advice from...some person who has never had any problems with their mental health, they may be a lovely person, good at their job, but really do they know what they are going on about? Or, the person who has been there themselves. That can turn around and say "actually, I do understand how you are feeling as I have been there myself".  I have actually found working in mental health most of the staff I have met through the work I have done have had their own problems. One of my closest friends through work self harms, has attempted suicide, has had eating disorders, has depression and fights her own demons. Another friend was sectioned and was placed in one of the hospitals I work in. I went in to mental health as of my own experiences. I chose Social Work as a career as of the SW I used to see a couple of years back. He was amazing. Ok sort of gone off course there.

Anyway, I have been using SF quite a bit recently as I have not been doing well at all. I have never had any problems with it until yesterday when one guy made some horrible comments such as

" You are a drain on society"
"You are a waste of space"
"You are wasting everyone time"
You, only do it for the attention hence writing on here and keeping a blog".

He wrote quite a lot of hurtful abusive comments about the self harm and that anyone who does it only does it for attention.

Well I was quite upset about it and it really made me question if using those forums was the best thing to do. I spoke to a few other users and made me feelings known to them that I was upset and he had made me question if I was doing the right thing in using them.

It also made me think about why I blog and why I use SF.

I remain anonymous on here. I don't know if people will actually read this. I know no one I know would do. I did mention to one friend that I blogged and she wanted the address and I said there was no way I was telling her. I use this as a diary. A sounding board to get my thoughts blurted out on. It helps me keep it together. I use it as a distraction technique for when I am feeling like I want to harm it keeps me away from it. Also, if by some chance someone does read it, someone who doesn't self harm and has all these misconceptions about it, well I hope that by being brutally honest about it it will help them have a better understanding. Sometimes I just write on here as I just feel like writing.

I use SF in a slightly different way. Sometimes I need support. One of my issues is that I am overly bothered about peoples perceptions of me. So if I am struggling, if I do something then I can't tell them. Even the professionals who I have met numerous occasions I can't even be honest with them. In fact, there is stuff that I have not even written about on here as I am worried about peoples perceptions. I like to be liked. But then don't we all. But I will do anything to ensure that I am liked. I will go out of my way to help people and not accept anything for it. I really struggled at first working in mental health when patients didn't like me. It took me ages to get over it and realise that they didn't like me as I wouldn't let them have something they could self harm with, or just that I was seen as a professional, one of them! It took me ages to realise it wasn't actually me they didn't like, it was what I was doing. Anyway, with SF I use it to blurt. To voice my thoughts and get feedback on them. Short, not thought out thoughts. I know it doesn't look like it but I do actually think about what I say on here. If looking for advice it attention seeking, then maybe I do that.

Another thing about this self harm thing, no one close to me knows the true extent of it. I have friends who know it's something that happened in the past, friends who don't have a clue that I ever have, friends who know it's something that has happened recently. But no one knows the true extent of things. I don't talk about it with people. If a friend asks me about it I change the subject. I don't like talking about it with people I know. I know there will come a time when I know Sam and Mike better and I will close off to them. No one who knows me knows that I spend my time trawling the net looking at ways I can die that will be a) painless b) quick c) look like an accident d) wont leave someone else thinking it was their fault (so rules out falling in front of a train as it approaches the platform) e) doesn't require an act of bravery on my part as I am a wuss.

So yeah, I have quite a lot of criteria there. I am a wuss. I really am. Although I plan the OD's I always drink before taking them.

So why do I self harm?

I really don't know. I know while doing it I get a rush. It's better than sex (maybe I do need a new boyfriend and sex may help slow down the self harm a little lol). The feeling of the slicing of the flesh. It's like releasing something and I can feel it escape. The cutting is quite a long drawn out process for me. For instance last week I was there 4-5 hours cutting my leg and I didn't realise where the time had gone. I go in to a disassociative state where I lose track of time. It was quite bad last week and it is usually only a couple of hours. When I blood let that is a quick fix. It takes about 30 minutes when I do it properly. There is something about seeing the blood coming out the needle which makes me feel as though I have smoked a spliff. When I want a quicker fix it's just about 5-10minutes of it.

I have been asked so many times about my childhood by different therapists, doctors etc that I have questioned it. I have always before been of a very it's a very freudian way of therapy wanting to relate it to childhood. But the more and more I get asked it the more I think, maybe just maybe those few incidents have had a much bigger impact on me than I realised. I have never shared them with anyone. I am not sure if I will do on here one day.

So my last question is...When do you call in crisis team?

They gave me their number on Monday. I was told I could call them 24/7. But why would I call them. Because I am thinking of cutting, because I am thinking of death? Well I'd never be off the phone would I? Then perhaps when you have made the decision you are going to cut, made the decision you are going to OD yet again. Well, I know myself. Once I have made that decision I will not tell anyone as I will not want anyone interfering with my plans. So the number is sitting there and I wonder, when exactly would I call them? And, I have already opened up to Sam and partly to Mike. I don't want to speak to yet another person who I don't know. I don't want to have to keep explaining over and over again. So for these reasons, I really don't think I will be calling them or making any use of their services.

Attention Seeking!

Dave says he is going to kill himself. Every night he writes how he can't handle life and there is no other way out. Dave has children, and a wife but it seems as though they don't feel or understand his pain. Every night for the past week Dave has said he has had enough and he has taken an overdose of something. Does Dave not know that is not the way out? Sorry, I know it sounds heartless but to me this is just Dave's way of getting attention. He goes on and on about how much he wants out yet uses methods that will not work. I don't know Dave that well. I know he is hurting and there are obviously issues. The way he writes screams personality disorder. The neediness, the constant wanting.



I know, me of all people should be supportive. However, there is only so many times you can say to people get help, what you are feeling is wrong. But this person doesn't listen, he doesn't do anything other than say I'm going to kill my self I've had enough. If someone is that serious then just do it! Don't keep writing about it and grasping out for the attention. I find it quite annoying how people pander to it. These people do not make it any better. It reassures the person if they behave in that way then if they do the same again they will get the same response. I've done it. I've been there and taken overdoses and have written about it while doing it. Have waited for peoples replies to my thread.



I know I sound heartless. It probably is. I have been on the other side where I have felt so suicidal I have done things to try and kill myself. Mainly overdoses. I know now that that is not the way to do it. It will just make you sick and is painful and drawn out. Someone will usually figure out what is wrong with you before anything happens and you will get treatment. I read a lot of blogs; mainly medical ones. I have a fascination with medicine. There was one blog that really caught my eye it was medic999 I follow him so check him out. He wrote about a nurse from down south who od'd on paracetamol, went to a hotel and waited a couple of days. She went to a hotel outside her area as she knew that if she was in her area her collegues would be the ones who had to try and save her, and more than likely fail. She was in for a long and painful death. She was probably past the stage where you could get a liver transplant. That's another question that I am unsure of. If someone tries to kill themselves by way of overdose and the only way to save them is a liver transplant...should they get one? I mean. there are people on the waiting list for transplants that need them, they through no fault of their own need that transplant so they don't die. Yet someone can jump infront of them in the queue who tried to kill themselves. They don't value their life and they are taking the chance of life away from someone who really wants it. I know the person who took the overdose would have to consent to surgery and if they wanted to die then they would not consent. But still. It's weird for me to take this stance. I mean, I self harm, I have taken overdoses. I have been and still am quite suicidal.

I have even gone as far as telling a friend to take an overdose. But wait, before you judge let me explain why and the situation. My friend is a neurotic, needy person. She was with this guy for a couple of years. She was always coming to me with some problem or the other and to be honest she was treating him like shit! She would not let him be his own person and wanted to mould him in to what she wanted. She was really awful to him and I felt sorry for him. On numerous occasions I had said to her you are being out of order and if you don't do something about it you will lose him! But she didn't listen. So he finally broke up with her. I actually felt like congratulating him for standing on his own two feet for a change and freeing his balls from her vice like grasp.

Anyway, the break up hit her hard. I was there for her as you do as a friend. Went round, made her tea, listened to her, spoke to her in the middle of the night when we was upset and never said anything bad. But then it started getting that she was relying on me far too much, that I couldn't live my own life. She got to the stage where she was going on about it all the time and it was wearing me down. I tried to take a back seat by not answering her calls but she would call on the home number and my parents would answer etc. In the end she was going on and on about how she didn't feel life was worth living. I said to her don't be stupid. You are starting at uni in September, you have got a lot going on for you. And, if I can get through a 9 year break up (on the surface to other people I look as though I am coping) then you can.

She then was saying how she couldn't live without him and she was considering taking her medication for night terrors. I could tell by the way she was saying it there was no seriousness in it. I asked her how many pills she had and she said about 10. So I told her to take them! It shocked her in to seriously thinking about things and the way she was. I knew that they would not do any harm other than make her sleep for a bit. And, I thought she needed a mental health assessment so I thought it would be a good way of making sure she got one! I knew the pills wouldn't do her any harm, but she didn't. Also, in her telling me I thought that if she really wanted to die she wouldn't say she was going to as I had keys to her house and I would have gone round there and I would have got help etc. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I put too much of my own feelings in to it thinking how I am when I have been suicidal or wanting to self harm etc. I don't tell anyone! But my method worked anyway. It made her sit back and look at things.

My other friends thought it was quite ammusing anyway!

So, what I suppose I am talking about her, is how can I take this view point when I myself have been one of the "oh another self harmer" and "oh, you again". I suppose when I am self harming I don't think about the long term or even the immediate future of having to go to A+E to get stitched up. I think about how good it feels to be making the cut. Nothing else matters at the time. I even got corrected by a counsellor I went to see last week. I was talking about self harm and I said I have worked with self harmers and I am a self harmer. She said "no, you have worked with people who self harm and you are a person who self harms". You can expect to find the labelling and negative stereotyping from people who don't do it, but when you do it your self, what's that all about?

If you look at the list of blogs that I follow you can see I have a bit of a fascination with medicine and hospitals. My friend even said to me not long ago that I was weird as I like hospitals. I wouldn't go that far. But growing up I wanted to be a doctor. Then reality hit and I realised you actually needed to put more than average effort in and get more than average grades to study medicine. I gave up my dream at about 14 when I realised I was Miss Average! I think also I am scared of failure and never like to give things all my effort incase I still get average grades. I know they are grossly inaccurate but I love and always have loved programmes such as Casualty, Holby City, ER and so on. I know the facts are not right on them and not even being medically trained I get annoyed when the defib pads aren't in the right place, CPR is not being carried out deep enough, that they defib when it's not a shockable rhythm, and when they leave bra's etc on when doing defibs. But I love the programmes still. I also watch the more real life ones like helicopter hero's, the real A+E. My parents take the piss as I only seem to watch medical based TV.

I think maybe I have chosen the wrong career. I know doing the Social Worker training in a few years I will not be able to afford to go back to the bottom rung of the ladder and taking a massive pay cut. Don't get me wrong, I do think I will be a good SW. I never let my opinions of someone show, I listen to people, I don't let other peoples views of someone cloud my own judgement. I will make my own judgement. I think I am quite a good judge of character also.

I know that TV glamifies positions like Doctors, paramedics and nurses. In reading these peoples blogs they talk about a nice job or a good job being one that involves trauma, not picking people up off the floor who have had a few too many. I know that if I was one I would spend most of my day dealing with drunk people etc, but it doesn't stop me having a slight niggling feeling that I maybe should have re-done a couple of A-Levels and gone in to medicine!

Oh and if anyone does read this and has got this far can you leave me a comment to let me know what you think of my viewpoint. It would be interesting to see if other people share the same views as me...or if I am mad!