Sunday, 31 October 2010

And the Cycle Continues...

Had some weird advice yesterday from a guy in the psych department. I have not seen him before, actually that is a lie. I have seen him before but I don't remember he told me we had seen each other before but I can't remember him. He remembered me. So I SI again and walked to hospital. While I was there they took an ECG as my heart was going really fast. They ended up keeping me in over night and all day yesterday. I thought I wasn't going to get out until today as they were not going to let me go without seeing someone from psych medicine. I said I wanted to discharge my self as couldn't see the point in hanging around as psych wouldn't do anything and I knew my bloods would be ok, and they had lost my bloods that they had taken in A+E. They wouldn't take my word for it that I hadn't taken an overdose. I know my history and they were concerned as of that (taking overdoses and not saying anything or denying it) they didn't want to take a chance. They said if I discharged myself they would call the police and I would end up being sectioned under 136 until I had had psych assessment. Didn't want that to open so I was forced in to staying.

Anyway, it was about 8ish when guy from psych medicine came. I was told it wouldn't be until today as dept had closed. He said I should try self harming more often. I thinks as is only weekly or what ever that when I do it it is a build up, so he thinks I should self harm more often and it won't be as bad. I am not going to take that chance though. I could end up in a worse situation than I am now. I told him what I thought of the other guys theory. He said it may not be the course as such but being at uni again, and something could be triggering it, maybe something in the past. I don't know what to think. I kind of feel like a fraud as I can't see anything in the past that would make me like I am now. It's not as though I had a traumatic childhood, nothing bad has ever really happened to me. I don't know what it is.

I am sick of this low mood. It is making me feel awful. I hate feeling like this. I don't see a way out at the moment and it's really starting to worry me. I am scared incase I get suicidal again. There are some fleeting thoughts, which I did tell the guy about, not in so much detail but, I did tell him. I have really tried to be honest with people about things and I am finding it hard. I just don't see what else I can do now!

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