Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Today I Feel....


Yes, I actually feel happy.

So it would seem I have come out of the depression. Yay. And I have been shopping and brought 7 new dresses, a denim jacket and a leather jacket and they are all in a 14-16. Not bad to say I was a 20 only a few months back.

So off to spin now and will write a post in a bit about therapy and also a letter. Busy night planned tonight.


Sunday, 27 October 2013

Not Sure What To Do.

For the first time ever I am thinking about cancelling the psychology session on Tuesday. I don't really want to go. After last time I came away feeling worse and pissed off. I have been thinking maybe I just need some time away from it. I have had a weeks break as he was off and I was away for a few days. But maybe I need more time to re evaluate things.

I reckon part of not wanting to go was because I was pissed off at him and he made me feel bad. I was venting and ranting on about how shit I was feeling and how I was struggling to cope and he came out with how perhaps it wasn't working for me anymore and maybe we were wasting our time. I got the feeling he was pissed off at me and had had enough. I do feel better since that appointment and looking back I needed him to tell me how I had done well and things had changed for me and that perhaps while I was feeling so bad it was hard to be objective and have a positive view point. I can see that now. But at the time it was hard to see that. It is hard to see how things have changed when you feel shit as all you can see is how you feel. Not what is different as at the end of the day you still feel shit and are still having the really destructive thoughts.

I know he is not a mind reader, and at the time I didn't even know that was what I needed. I must be a really frustrating person to work with. I frustrate myself with my own thinking patterns and the thoughts that go through my head. So, I am bound to be doing it to someone else. And to be honest, if I am I don't want to be seeing them as I don't want to feel as though whenever I rant and vent I am pissing that other person off. So what do I do? Keep quiet and not say how I am really feeling and what thoughts have been going through my mind to avoid that feeling that people are pissed off with me. Or keep going as I am? I don't think I can win either way so perhaps maybe I shouldn't be going anymore.

I don't know what to do.

So yeah, I have been feeling better these last few days. I did something which was a massive achievement for me the other day. Something that a few months ago I would have never have been able to do. I would have probably had a heart attack trying. And to actually do it showed me that I have achieved something over the past few months and that things can get better with that. I was quite emotional at having done it as well. And it's made me want to do more of the same. It's given me a good feeling.

I have also booked a big trip with the girls for next year so it is something to look forward to. Which helps a lot as well. It gives me a focus and a reason for not letting things spiral out of control. I think before that was an unconscious thought that was that there wasn't much point, I had nothing to look forward to, nothing was going right for me and I had nothing in general. I have changed that.

Don't get me wrong, there are still the massive urges to SH. But I haven't in about a week now. The suicidal thoughts still come in but I am managing to dull them. And I think that the hallucinations I was having were possibly due to lack of sleep. That has improved loads since I had Zopiclone and have managed to get in to more of a routine with it. It's little things that have changed. I also realised I hadn't taken my medication in over 2 weeks. So maybe the pathetic low dose I am on of that is having some affect.

My team are all getting together next week to discuss me again. My CPN wants me to go but I have said no. I am seeing her on Friday so I am sure she will fill me in on what has gone off in it.

So, I have the decision to make whether or not I should go on Tuesday and whether or not I should continue with the psychologist. What should I do?

Friday, 25 October 2013


Just a quick one to say I am ok. I haven't posted in a while as I have been away for a few days. I have had a couple of emails asking if I was ok and wasn't able to reply to them while I was away. Feeling a lot better than I was and have managed to not self harm since Monday evening. So that's good for me.

Anyway, I am ok. I am alive and I hadn't done anything.

Friday, 18 October 2013


As someone who wants to work in mental health I should be a person who stands up against the stigma and discrimination that people with mental health problems are subjected to.

I've even been subjected to stigma myself. The worst was actually by someone in the mental health nursing profession (This is the main incident in which I am referring to - in which the complaint went my way and he was disciplined). Yet, even though I am really against stigmatising people with a mental health condition or discriminating against them. I won't talk or be open about my own mental health problems.

There has been quite a few things in the press recently which would serve to increase the stigma that people with mental health conditions are subjected to. Namely the TESCO/ASDA/Amazon mental patient costume (BBC News article), the Sun news paper's head line (Re-blog of Masked AMHP's piece on it) and today I have seen that Thorpe Park are having an Asylum Themed Halloween event (Purple Persuasion's Letter to Thorpe Park). Well, I am a "mental patient". I have spent much time in hospital. One admission lasting nearly a year with the majority of this being spent on a PICU because I was deemed such a high risk to myself that I needed this level of care and that I was so unwell I warranted it. But as bad as it is. I am not willing to stand up publicly and tell people about my MH problems.

I am very private when it comes to my mental health. I hide behind a pseudo name, I have a pseudo name Facebook account and none of my friends or family have access to this blog. A couple do know I write and I have been asked if they could read it but it was a no and it always will be. I think that privacy comes in in all different areas of my life as well. I don't want people knowing my business. OK, weird I know. I write a blog and bare all. But, only two people who read this know who I actually am. They are both people I know through blogging and have felt I have had enough communication with them that I can trust them enough to revel the real me to them. I have met up with one of the people (we did kind of actually know each other before but knew each other more from reading each others blogs and we then figured out we kind of knew each other...bit weird - Hi La Reve). But no, I am very reserved about it and wouldn't want people who know me to have access to this. I think it would be very distressing for them to read at times with the thoughts I have and the feelings I have at times. The less they know the better. I do have worries about even having these 2 people knowing who I actually am and contacting either my family or someone in my team as it wouldn't exactly be hard to track someone down.

One thing I have noticed recently is the amount of people on Facebook that bare all. I wouldn't want my brother's friend's wife, a cousin's friend, someone I haven't seen since primary school knowing I was in hospital, in crisis etc. I wouldn't want these people knowing I spent such a long time in hospital etc etc etc. OK, it could be argued why I have people as friends who I am not particularly close to, but these are people I do associate with quite regularly or I care how they are doing and Facebook is a way to keep in contact with them even if I am not seeing them very often. I wouldn't be posting on there about how the hallucinations are getting to me, that the urges to SH are strong, that I have not got out of bed that day etc etc etc. I do feel that some things should remain private. I don't want my ex work colleagues to know what is going on with me.

Why is that? Is it because I am ashamed? Possibly. But there is part of me that believes that there are some things that people just don't need to know. I think if I had a physical illness I would probably be the same. Ok, so I do moan when I have a cold or cough, if I haven't slept because of the neighbours, if I feel generally unwell. But you wouldn't get me posting about something serious. I don't like to draw attention to my self. I don't like being the centre of attention. I am not saying that is why there are people that do this. But, for me it would draw a lot of attention and it's not what I want. I want to be the wall flower not getting much notice. I think this is one of the reasons I don't want to go to this meeting about me. My CPN said it's on the 31st and I could go if I wanted and she would encourage it. But, no, I'm not going.

(On the note of my CPN, I called her this morning about the medication issue. I said I didn't get why I was on such a low dose and that I didn't think it would be doing anything because it was a pathetic dose. That combined with that the contraceptive pill makes it less effective would mean that I am taking nothing more than a sweetener pill. She said she would speak to Dr T about it at that meeting on the 31st, but, she didn't think he would change is view point as he doesn't like prescribing medication and he feels in my case it is not helpful and that he is only doing it because I have said it is helpful. I don't know on this one. Maybe it's that part of me that wants to take the ownership away from me and can have an outside blame if I am taking medication. That I can say that well I'm on medication so it must be something that is beyond my control if I need medication. I do know when I was on Quetiapine and Depakote things were better for me. Well, I know I took the massive OD in April that nearly killed me, but I think I was more stable on it. Who knows. Maybe it's just my own opinion. And we all know that matters fuck all! Anyway...)

If I can't be honest and open about my own problems, how do I expect the stigma around mental health to reduce when I keep mine all hush hush like a guilty secret. It's not going to change is it when I won't speak out about it. I posted something accidentally the other day on my personal facebook about mental health. It was up less than a minute but I was really worrying about who would have seen it. I was worried because a few posts of mine recently have been MH related in terms of stigma that people receive. That people would think "she must have MH problems" and then I was worried that people would think badly of me. I got quite paranoid about it.

I will stand here and admit that I do not help the stigma. Yet, I am against it. It's contradictory isn't it? But, I am not willing to change the way that I am about my own health. I will stand up for others and I do get very annoyed by the stigma that people receive when the Sun runs with headlines such as 1200 people killed by mental patients. I'm a "mental patient" therefore I have this underlying deep urge to run out and stab someone in the neck numerous times.

Perhaps some of this comes from my schemas of unrelenting standards and failure where shame plays a big part. Maybe it's something I need to focus on through the SFT. I think first though I need to have it out with G about what was said on Tuesday and tell him I was pissed off after the session. I am glad we are having this week off as I think if I had to go back Tuesday I would have cancelled the appointment due to "illness". Ooooo...how insightful of me.

CPN Called

She called as soon as I posted the last blog post. I told her how much I was struggling and that the self harm was happening on pretty much a daily basis, sometimes  more than once a a day.

She asked me if I had a plan or if I had thought about how I would end it. I said I couldn't talk about it at the moment and she asked if it was because my nephew was there or because I didn't want to. I said it was both. I have never told them what my plans are or what my thoughts are when it comes to thinking about it. I just said it is going round and round in my head and I am struggling to escape it.

I said I was worried that the weekend was going to be bad for me as I couldn't arrange to see anyone as everyone was busy and that I didn't have any money at all spare so I can't even go to the local coffee shop and sit with a book. I can't even afford bus fare so I can't go anywhere really. I have little petrol left in my car but I really need to make that last.

She said I am doing all I can at the moment and I am dealing with it so well compared to how I have done in the past. I said it's all well and good being told that but when I still feel the same I wonder why I should keep making the effort to continue to do things when it is actually going anything. She said we didn't know that, that if I wasn't doing these things I may not have held on for as long as I have and I could be in hospital right now. Is that a chance I am willing to take. At the moment no. I don't want to be in hospital and it can make things worse for me.

This is the longest I have spent out of hospital since August 2011. But if things continue the way they are I will either be dead or back in there. That's not what I want, well to end up back in there. The dead thing. Well, I am not actually to sure about that. I see it as a better thing than being how I am now. But perhaps there is still some being not sure. While I have that not sure I will not do anything. But, it doesn't stop me planning for when it does get to that stage.

Took a sleeping pill last night and it did make me sleep better. But, I am not feeling the slightest bit better. But it was one night, maybe I need more.

She asked me if crisis team should be involved and I said that at the moment that that would probably be a good idea. I asked if they would be able to visit on Sunday. She said she would ask them. She said they would be calling me Saturday to see how I am and arrange a time to visit if I still wanted it.

I told her I was pissed off with uni and how I felt hard done by on certain things. I feel as though I have been treated differently to some body else who has been in a similar position and was in hospital. She said here I was needing crisis support at the moment and having all these thoughts, how do I think I would have been if I was at uni? Would this crisis have happened? I don't know. I am not totally sure what has brought it on. Perhaps some of it is not being able to go back to uni, perhaps some of it is the cold dark weather, the not sleeping. I don't know. It could be, it could be all or some.It could be none. I am never sure what brings things on, if anything brings it on. I said to her I know uni had made the right decision, I wasn't ready to go back. But only I knew that really. All the evidence they had pointed towards being able to go back, especially with the report from G. It would have been 10 months of being stable before starting placement, and they were saying that this was not long enough. It pisses me off. Even if I am in no position to be doing the course at the moment, they don't know that. As far as they are aware I have been fine since April, but no, this is not long enough for me.

I'm going to call her back today. I want to question why I am on such a low dose of this medication when it can be given up to 400mg for people with similar disorders. If the contraceptive pill makes the medication less effective then surly I should be on a higher dose?

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Friday 17th October

I went to my GP and I got some sleeping pills to last me a week. Hopefully that will help me get some sleep and feel rested. I can then tackle how I am feeling. I am hoping that a few decent nights sleep will get me feeling quite a bit better.

Last night I lay in bed hours before managing to get to sleep and all that was going through my mind was how I could kill myself and make it look like an accident. All these things going through my mind such as falling from a height, getting hit by a car, getting stabbed or something. Just all these things going round and round in my head.

I told my GP that the thoughts had returned and I was feeling quite shit in myself. She said she was going to contact my CPN and speak to her about it. I said there wasn't much point as they knew what was going on for me and there wasn't a lot that they could do. She said about increasing my medication and I said I had seen the doctor on Tuesday and he said he wasn't going to do that. What gets me though is they are currently doing a study looking in to the effects on people with BPD and traits such as myself. I was reading a bit about this and it says up to 300mg of Lamotrigine can be prescribed. 400mg where the person is taking the contraceptive pill. I am. Apparently the CP reduces the effects of the lamotrigine. I am only on 50mg. So basically I may as well only be taking a sweetener tablet as it's not going to be doing anything. I may as well just stop taking it.

I really feel like telling the lot of them to fuck off. But I don't know how much of that is to do with how I am feeling right now and if I am not looking at it in the right way. If I am being too hasty and not making a decision with my head. I can't help but think part of my thinking is how it was back in 2011 when I told them I would not engage and I didn't want anything to do with them, this ended up with me getting sectioned. Not the best move. So I am scared that if I do tell them all to leave me alone that it is going to head down that path again. So, I feel as though I am being forced in to it.

I was supposed to speak with my CPN today but I missed her calls. I tried calling her back but I think she must now be out of the office. I suppose she will call me tomorrow.

I don't know what to do really. I am worried about the weekend and how it's going to be for me. I know I can't do anything tonight as I have said I will look after my nephew all day tomorrow. He's helping me keep my mind occupied and I would never do anything while either of them are around. So I know I won't do anything tonight. But come tomorrow evening until Tuesday I am not expected to be anywhere or see anyone. I have tried to organise things with people so I feel as though I have some commitment and so that people expect to see me and they would know something was wrong if I just didn't show. But no one is available. Maybe I should ask for a crisis team visit?

Anyway, I am just moaning now, like usual.

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

A Mess So I'm Having A Moan.

I am in a bit of a state. I feel so low. I am having massive urges and I don't quite know what to do. I am going to a spin class later to try and tire myself out so I sleep. I do want to go, I really enjoy Wednesday spin as the music she has on is brilliant. I am hoping that combined with that and the circuits class I will have some endorphins released to make me feel a bit less low.

I am not sure why I feel like this. Maybe it's the not being allowed to go back to uni. Some kind of delayed response. I started to feel on a downer at the beginning of September and it's just been getting worse. Perhaps it's the weather. When it was sunny and hot I was out more during the day even if it was just walking down to my local park with a book. I don't have much money at the moment so I can't really go anywhere during the day. I am keeping active though and exercising 4-5 times a week. I am eating well (most the time bar the binges). I am doing everything my team have told me to do. But, it is not working.

I am not sure if I should call anyone from my team but I am not sure what or if there is anything they can do. I am going to see my GP tomorrow but I will have my nephew with me so it's not like I can say much as I don't want to risk him repeating anything to anyone.

The thoughts of ending it are at the forefront of my mind. They are there a lot of the time. They are strong. If I did anything I would have to be sure it would work. I can't go through what I went through in April again. I am still not over the physical side effects from it. I am under investigation at the hospital for things which have come about because I was unconscious for so long with a tube down my throat. Then there are the nightmares I have still about having the tube down my throat and not being able to move at all. The hallucinations I was having those first couple of nights after and having to be sedated by the team in ITU because I was getting so worked up because I didn't believe I was in hospital and that they had moved me to some weird place.

Then of course I have had to live with the after effects of how my family responded and how my friends were affected by it. Not so long a go my friend was nearly in tears when she was talking about it. We were drunk and emotions were running high, but it's the first time any of my friends have really spoke to me about it.

I can't go through all that.

I wish it had have worked then. I don't think I have it in me to do anything like that again. I am not brave enough. So that means I have to go on living like this.

Anyway, in my benefit scrounging scummy life, I have most the days free unless I have appointments or classes to get to. I am looking for volunteer work to try and do something more. I am meeting with someone in a couple of weeks to help me with it. References are my problem at the moment as they want someone who knows what I am like in a professional role. I haven't been in a professional role for years. No one knows me like that. I was moaning about it to Dr T yesterday and he said he would write me a reference. While that's really nice of him, I don't think it's quite what they are looking for. Besides, I want to keep it all separate. I don't want my professional life and personal life crossing over.

Anyway, so in my nothing day today and due to not having any money I have stayed in until it is time to go to Spin. I recorded a program on channel 5 that was on the other night called On Benefits and Proud (click on the link to watch On Demand). So I have just watched that. It makes me so angry and it also worries me about the perception people may have of me. I am living off benefits at the moment and probably will be for another year or so. I worry that people will think I am scrounging and that I haven't really been ill and am not now. Mental illness is not a physical illness that people can see. And so I worry if people think I am faking, that I am just another benefit scrounger.

But, it does annoy me how much money is being given to people who just refuse to work. That don't use anything in terms of birth control as they know that popping out a few kids will give them more money. OK, some people do have kids because they can shower them in love and give them the love they deserve, but there are people who bring kids in to the world because of what having kids will get them. I get that it is a persons right to be able to have children. But surly when you have 6,7,8+ kids, can you really give each child the love and attention they deserve?

The government is not making it worth while people getting jobs. It was saying on the program that they would need to be earning 30k a year plus. More than the national average. So, how someone with no qualifications and no work experience is going to get this, it's anyone's guess. So, why should these people get a job when they can get more money not working. I don't know exactly how the benefit system works here. But, perhaps people should have their benefits reduced by so much for every month they are out of work. And then when they are in work their money is topped up so they then get how much they were getting when they were on benefit. That way they are more able to get a job related to their skills and qualifications and work their way up. They wouldn't need to have this unrealistic expectation of getting a job at entry level that pays 30k a year plus.

If they aren't able to find work then be in some kind of training etc so that they can gain skills.

That's just my ideal. I'm probably totally wrong.

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Psychology Session and Doctors Appointment - 15/10/13

I don't know what to make of things.

The session with G didn't go great. I told him how I was feeling and how I was so sick of going round in the same cycle. How I would feel bad, the urges would come in thick and fast, I would then start self harming again, the self harming gets more serious, I start to think how if I was dead I wouldn't have to put up with all of this, I start thinking of ways in which I could try and kill myself, I plan. Currently I am somewhere between ways and planning.

I said how my way of thinking about very nearly dying in April has changed. I did come round to the idea that it was a good thing I pulled through and how I came so close scared me. But now I am thinking that I was close and with a little tweaking I could make it work.

So he asked me why I came to appointments. I said that it felt good to talk to someone about it who didn't flap when I tell them I am self harming and am having suicidal thoughts. That I hate being like this, and that I would like to have another way out rather than killing myself as that is the way it is heading.

I don't know how we got around to it but we started talking about how if I want something I go after it and get it. I am quite a determined person. He asked me what type of things so I said things like a job that I wanted, a promotion, getting through my A-levels in to uni and then getting on to the MA. I won't back down until I get what I want. So he asked me what about the self harm. As if I wanted to stop, why haven't I? I was a bit stumped really. What do I say to that? But then he answered for me. He said because it's a negative. In that I don't have any physical gain from it. I suppose he was right.

He said he isn't really sure why we are meeting any more as I don't seem to be getting anywhere. From what I have said there has not been any improvements, things are still the same. He said he doesn't know how he can help me and he is not sure what he is doing. He was not sure if we should continue to work together any more as perhaps it's not working. He said that he knows I avoid a lot of things and that perhaps I am avoiding saying how I feel about things and I don't want the confrontation/awkward conversation to say how I feel and that I am just going a long with it because I feel I have to. I said that if I didn't feel I was getting anything from it I wouldn't come every week. I would cancel appointments here there and everywhere and not bother. But I have never done that. I have attended all but one appointment and that was when I was in ICU unconscious. I can't pin point exactly what I get from it, but I must be getting something to still go to the appointments.

So how was I feeling? I was actually quite pissed off. I don't think I showed it, maybe I should have said though. People have told me for so long that therapy is what I need to do. I need to be honest and engage. So I have been. I have said I will do what they want me to do, and I have. All this time people have been saying this is what you need, this is what you need to do and now the psychologist is saying that perhaps it isn't working and perhaps we should not continue to work together any more. So what will help me? What would work?

I asked him that and he said he wasn't sure. He said I needed to work on acceptance as he thinks that me coming to the understanding of what recovery means could be a factor in why things are like they are now. I agreed with this as for me it's not good enough. I did get a bit annoyed and asked if this isn't helping what would? I need to work on acceptance before I can move forward. So how do I do that? He said that it's a very personal thing and everyone is different. That was helpful!

He says he has an idea of what would work but I have said I wouldn't do it. I don't know what he meant by this and I should have asked him what he meant. For so long they told me I need to do DBT and yes, I was against it. For many reasons that I won't go in to again. But eventually they wore me down and I said I would give it a go. So I had to have this assessment for it and then they turned round and said actually no, we don't think you would be suitable for it, it wouldn't meet your needs. Well I could have told them that. But, I decided I would be open to it.

I have kept trying and coming back to Mindfulness. That I can't get on with. They do keep saying how they want me to do it as it will mean that I can become more accepting of the thoughts etc. I have written it off completely in the past, but I have looked in to doing a course on it but it's full and I am unlikely to get on to it. But, yeah, if i could do it, I'll give it another go.

I honestly feel as if I am untreatable and that they are going to give up on me. On one hand I have them saying that medication is not the answer that they have assessed my notes and it seems as though that most of them at first have worked but have not been sustainable, the one I am on now seems to be having the best affect on me. In that the period I was ok, was the best I have been in years. So they are not going to change that. That it is the therapy I need. And then I have G saying he doesn't think it's working and perhaps we should consider stopping. So, this is it. This is how things will always be. Things are not going to get better. I am sure I shouldn't come out of a therapy session and be having really strong suicidal urges. Surly, it should be making me feel better.

So a couple of hours after the psychology session I had a meeting with Dr T. I was dreading going as it usually makes me feel so angry and worse. But, while it didn't make me feel better, it didn't make me feel worse.

I told him how I was feeling and that the thoughts and behaviours were back. I didn't mention anything of today's psychology session as I don't really like talking to one about the other as it all goes in my notes and I don't want to be seen as playing them off against each other or being manipulative. Having a diagnosis of PD traits I am aware that people can see you as being manipulative. "Oh, they've got PD traits, they must be a manipulative person". I'm not in the slightest. When I was at the first PICU, the one I didn't get on at I was told I was being manipulative and was trying to play staff off against each other. It really upset me as I wasn't and hated that this person thought that of me. Well, I actually hated this person, he is the one I put a complaint in against which basically I won. Anyway, the diagnosis and the way people perceive me is a massive thing for me so I am really conscious of what I do so I am not perceived in a bad light. I got access to my notes after a while of being in hospital while I was on the second PICU and I was quite upset about it. I asked a couple of people if they had that opinion of me and they said far from it. I have mentioned it to G before and he has said not either. But, I wonder how much they are telling me what I want to hear. Not sure if they would do that though?

Yeah, anyway, I didn't tell him about what was said today. All Dr T was going on about were how important my sessions with G were, how beneficial they have been to me and that he could see that since April until recently I have been my best and that I should be happy as I have made progress. He was going on and on about it.

So on one hand I have G saying he doesn't think it's working and then the other Dr T saying it's what I need. I think they need to get together.

I am wondering though if G is saying these things to rail me. To make me see ways in which it has worked. To basically make me get a fuck you attitude. Reverse psychology in a way. But then, maybe he's just had enough of me. I've been working with him now coming up to 2 years. I'd have had enough of me. I have had enough of me. But he has seen a lot from me. We will be getting somewhere then I do get all negative again and can't see the positives. I forget what work and what good I have done. He does annoy me at times. The way in which he asks why I haven't done something. He will ask me why I haven't self harmed, or why I haven't killed my self yet. I know it isn't, but there is part of me that thinks when he asks that he is thinking "what the fuck, just kill yourself already". Save him from an hour of me each week.

I am not seeing G now for 2 weeks. But, I think I need to tell him how I feel about this and ask him where we are going and tell him I do want to continue to see him and I need his help. I think when I feel like this it is hard to see any positives. You get swallowed by the negatives and that is all you can see. I don't think I explained that to him.

I have given in and booked a GP appointment to discuss my sleep and get some sleeping pills. I have averaged less than 4 hours a night for the last week. It was one of the things that was discussed today. It is really getting to me now. At first I wasn't getting worked up by it as I knew I could function. But as time has gone on it has got worse and I can't really function properly. I can't concentrate on anything and I feel so horrible. So, a trip to the GP it is. I can ask her about my chest (think I have asthma) and my wrist (think it's arthritis) while I am there. I hate going to the doctor so when I do I go with a whole host of different problems.

This has gotten quite long and I have been writing it on and off over about 4 hours.

Monday, 14 October 2013

A Bit of Insight

I've had a bit of insight as to why I possibly may swallow things.

Tonight I have eaten crap. I have basically binged on crap and feel very sick. I do recognise now, that in myself that, that in itself is a form of self harm for me. But, after, I was aware of this feeling that I needed to punish myself for doing it. It stuck with me for a while.

So I swallowed.

I don't know if it is always like that. If that's always the reason. But it was tonight. It's not like I want it to do anything to me. I do worry after. But then if I did it would be like a punishment.

I am following a fat club plan at the moment. So far with diet and exercise I have lost 14kg. That's around 2.5 stone or in lbs, 35lb. To get my BMI to within a normal range I need to lose about another 18kg. So I am not even half way yet. But, to be honest I would be happy being a UK size 14. I'm about an 18 on bottom and 16 on top now. I'm 5'8. Or 172cm. So I think to get there I would need to lose another 2 stone.

I've never spoke to anyone before about how my weight bothers me and how it makes me feel. I don't know why. I think it comes down to the psychologist being a bloke.

I need to get back on it tomorrow. I need to make sure I have a week of no alcohol, no going over on points and lots of exercise. Not like this last week has been.

Anyway, just wanted to write about that little bit of insight I have had.

Feeling Horrible.

I feel awful. I feel so low and so run down. My sleep is awful at the moment and it has now caught up on me.

At the psychology session last week I was asked to keep a sleep diary. I've done that and I have not had more than 5 hours on any one night. I have been averaging around 3. It's really getting me down.

It doesn't help that I had 2 nights drinking on Thursday and then again on Friday. It really does affect me. I didn't used to notice it that much when I was drinking quite a lot but having really cut down and only drinking maybe once or twice a month, if I have a lot then I really notice how shit I feel after.

But, considering how shit I am feeling anyway, I have not done anything too serious. Yes, I have swallowed a few times this week. But I know in the past when I have been feeling like I have been, when I have had a drink I have gone and done something quite impulsive and usually very serious. But, I didn't. So, ok, maybe I shouldn't be basking in the glory of not doing something serious when I have been doing stuff that they class as serious anyway.

My sleep thing is really getting on top of me. It's not the not being able to sleep in itself. Most the time I can feel ok while I am laying in a warm dark place, it's the affects of the not having slept which is getting to me. I say most the time I feel ok while I am lying there, sometimes I am getting quite bad hallucinations that bother me. I will lay under the covers with the duvet over my head and at times it is as though someone is pulling at the duvet, and that's quite scary. That has only happened a couple of times. I am hearing things though sometimes when I am just lying there. My name being shouted and someone whistling. At first I thought the whistling was coming from upstairs but even when I moved rooms it was still at the same level. It does scare me, but, not like it used to.

I ended things with M. I felt bad for doing so but when every time I was supposed to see him I had can't be arsed with this feelings I took that as an indicator that things were not good and that I should give it up. I think he was a bit upset. Well, from what I could make out from the text messages as I told him through text message. I know, harsh. But, we had only been on 6 dates, it is not as though we were serious. He wanted to see me again that evening and said if we saw each other more often then I may feel different, but I didn't want to. I wasn't really attracted to him.

I don't know why I keep swallowing things. Because, I do worry when I have done it. I have been going to the gym quite a bit and working on my abs which at times can make my stomach area sore. I get these pains and I start to worry it's the start of something and I get a bit freaked out. But, then I go and do it again anyway. Why? And that's not something I can talk to G about as then it will be openly admitting I have been swallowing things and that would open a whole can of worms.

I'm seeing him tomorrow. And Dr T in the afternoon. Not looking forward to that. Dr T always makes me so angry, he doesn't listen to me and I feel he discounts anything I have to say. I don't know why I bother going.

Was supposed to be at the gym tonight doing some damage control after the shit food week I have had. I know now I will feel even more shit tomorrow when I weigh as I will have gained for sure. But, I really couldn't face going. I am so tired and have no energy what so ever.

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Psychology Session - 8th October 2013.

We mainly talked about sleep today. He had me do this questionnaire which looked at my problems and it came out that I have a severe sleep problem at the moment. Which could be the reason why I am having a hard time at the moment controlling the urges and then acting on them. Sleep is very important to me and can have a huge affect on the way in which I am. But me not sleeping properly can also be an indication that something is wrong. I want to avoid pills as I hate the way they make me feel the next day. I have a hang over on them which means I get lazy and then eat crap/ This then makes me feel bad as I have been lazy and eaten crap, and feel like I have failed at my healthy diet/living plan. So, I really want to avoid taking pills.

I'm trying not to let the sleep thing get to me. I know I can function without it so it's just the boredom that gets me. G said if I am not able to drop off within about 15 minutes I should get up. But, it's warm in bed. I'm not stressing while I am lying there so I think I must be getting some benefit of the quiet time. In the past I have got quite frustrated when I can't sleep. But, I ensure that I try not to get wound up by it. I suppose if I was working or at uni it would be different, but at the moment I don't have any commitments and so it doesn't really matter if I am tired and can't function as well the next day. Although saying that it is having some affect on me. I have very nearly had a couple of accidents while driving in the last week. Things I have never done before and really shook me up. I nearly pulled in front of a van that I didn't see until the last second but was only inches away from hitting it. And then the other day I ended up wandering lanes on a round about and nearly ended up with someone hitting me as I cut them up. I'm usually a good driver. I've never had an accident and I am usually on the ball. But I have struggled to concentrate on it. It's not just driving, it's things like reading, watching TV etc. I am struggling to follow anything as I don't have the concentration. So not sure what to do really.

We then moved on to self harm. He asked me if I had done anything and I had said just blood letting. So we got talking about what the SH does for me. I then went on to say how there was part of me that didn't see the cutting, blood letting, swallowing as a problem. He stopped me and said that they way that I had said that would indicate it would be something I had been doing. So I basically said I am always going to say it's something I haven't done as of what will have to be done if I admit to doing it. He said that he was going to take that as an admission that I had been doing it. So, I'll probably be getting a phone call from my CPN tomorrow telling me how I need to go to the hospital etc etc etc.

He said that if I didn't see it as a problem why do I continue to see him and what can he do for me. I said while I didn't see it as a problem, there was part of me that knew it was and knew that I shouldn't be doing it and that it will probably make me worse in the long time. I said how I didn't want to live like this. Yeah, fair enough I know now that things will probably get better, but at the same time I know I will be back here again. I don't know how long I will be here for and I am doing everything they tell me to do and have told me to do in the past, like making sure I see friends, going out, being healthy, exercise etc etc etc. But none of that is really making a difference. I am still coming home at night and then self harming. Most days I am swallowing something now. Sooner or later something will go wrong and once that happens that will probably lead to me being on a psych ward again. So yet again I am having strong suicidal thoughts and I am not sure how I can deal with them. I am being careful so that I don't end up impulsively acting on them. By this I mean I am not drinking at the moment and I am making sure I don't have my meds in sight. I am also trying to avoid anything that could trigger it off. But, it's still there and still strong. Not sure what to do about them.

Also, I have started seeing things again. Not a regular thing like it was before but a few times I have seen faces in the window and things moving. I have heard my name being shouted also. It really freaks me out. It's been going on for the last few days. I didn't mention it today but I probably should have done.

I told G about the guy I have been seeing, M. I've not mentioned it on here yet either. So here I go.

I first met M a few weeks ago. Had a date and it went ok. He seemed a nice guy, but very quiet. So since then we have now been on 5 dates. But, I am not sure if I like him. Well, I would go as far as saying I am not attracted to him and at the moment don't want anything more than friendship with him. But, there are a couple of things here. I am not sure if I feel like this because of the way that I am now. Is it me? I mean that possibly I am scared to let my self feel something for someone as I have this fear that I will get hurt in the end. Or, that because of the way things are going now for me I am worried they will spiral again and I don't want to bring someone in to it. On the other hand, it could just be that I am just not that in to him. I get the feeling he is a lot more in to me than I am him.

But, here is the other thing. The thing I haven't mentioned to G. I haven't slept with anyone in over 3 years. It's been 2 years since I was last in anything close to a relationship with someone. So, understandably, I am terrified of going to bed with someone again. There is the whole scar thing as well.

It sounds awful, but I have considered using M to get over that whole fear thing. Get it over with etc. My friend thinks it is a good idea. I've not obviously mentioned to my Mum this, but I have said that I felt that he was more in to me, than me him. So I got a bit of a lecture from her about not hurting him and not letting him fall for me if I wasn't keen etc. And she's right isn't she? It would be awful. It would be a really bitchy thing to do and I am not that kind of person. So I can't really do that can I?

But, I must admit, I really do like the idea of being in a relationship with someone again. I like the idea of cosy nights in, cuddles on the sofa, having someone to share with, having someone to go out with. But, I have to keep in mind that while that is all a nice idea I need to make sure it's with a person I like. Don't get me wrong, I do like M, but at the moment I am just not feeling it. Perhaps I need to give it a few more dates and just see where things go and see how things develop.

What I basically said to G was how I wasn't sure where these feelings were coming from and I didn't really know what to do. In the past if i wasn't in to a guy if we had only been on one or two dates I would just ignore them and not arrange anything else. But with M, I owe him more than that. He is a nice guy, I like him, I would owe it to him to give him an explanation. So G said in the past I had been typical of me and avoiding a tough situation. I suppose I was. Oh well.

Do you think after 5 dates I should know more about how I feel towards someone?

Re Blogged From The Masked AMHP... The Sun Newspaper.

This is a re blog of a post from the Masked AMHP. He has put it so much better than me..

The Sun and Mental Health -- That Front Page

The Sun’s full page headline today (7th October 2013) states baldly “1,200 killed by mental patients”. The number 1,200 is in red letters 2 ½ inches high. In tiny letters to the side of this headline is the admission that this figure was the total over a decade.

It’s hard to know where to start in a dissection of this report.

That huge red number is clearly intended to alarm. One has to conclude that the Sun wishes to suggest that its readers are all at risk of being murdered in their beds by homicidal maniacs.

The Sun’s use of the term “mental patients” is not only deliberate use of a term with pejorative implications, but also implies that there are two sorts of people: “normal” people (Sun readers perhaps?) and “mental” people, people who are unpredictable and potentially dangerous.

Having emblazoned its front page with this frightening statement, the Sun’s “full story” is buried on pages 6 and 7. It begins: “A Sun investigation today reveals disturbing failings in Britain’s mental health system that have allowed high-risk patients to kill 1,200 in a decade.”

The article is fringed by 12 brief accounts of people who have been murdered by “mental patients” over the last few years.

So where did the Sun obtain these figures? It mentions “a ManchesterUniversity study”. This can only be the Annual Report The National Confidential Inquiry into Suicideand Homicide by People with Mental Illness, published by the University of  Manchester in July 2013.

The Sun’s “probe” (their word), must have taken all of 30 seconds before finding this study, which was published 3 months previously in July. Community Care published a thoughtful article back on 5thJuly 2013, headlining their article with a quote from the Report saying: “The number of homicides committed by mental health patients has fallen ‘to its lowest level for a decade’.” The writer of this report, Julian Hendy, goes on to express skepticism of some of the figures.

The Sun reports that 122 people a year on average were killed by “mental patients”. This would appear to have been lifted from Community Care’s article.

The Sun goes on to lay the blame for these figures on “the slashing of budgets for mental health care”. They quote Marjorie Wallace of SANE as saying that “homicide figures may not have increased in decades – but significantly they have not declined either.”

So what does the University of Manchester report actually say?

Right at the beginning of the report, it is stated: “Homicide by mental health patients has fallen substantially since a peak in 2006, and the figures for the most recent confirmed years, 2009-2010, are the lowest since we began data collection in 1997”.

Although the report acknowledges that some of its statistics may be incomplete, it does say “it is likely that this is a true fall in patient homicide”.

Already, this seems to be factually at odds with the Sun’s report. While I do not wish to minimise the potential effects of recent cutbacks to spending on mental health, in this case, recent changes in mental health legislation and delivery are given as a possible explanation for this reduction, citing the use of CTO’s as a potential factor.

Another failing of the Sun’s “probe” is to place these figures in any sort of context. The Office of National Statistics provides illuminating statistics for overall numbers of homicides.

It gives statistics going back to 1960 for homicides initially recorded by the police. The long term graph shows a gradual increase in homicides from 282 in 1960 to a peak of 1047 in 2002-3. Since then, there has been a steep fall to around half of that peak.

Taking the ONS statistics, it can be seen that during the 10 year period from 2001-2011 on which the Sun bases its figures, there were a total of 7926 homicides. This compares with the figure of 1220 homicides committed by mental health patients quoted by the Sun and Julian Hendy. In other words, a little over 15% of homicides were committed by people who were known patients of mental health services. To put it another way, 85% of murders were committed by people who weren’t “mental patients”.

But I suppose the headline: “You’re 6 times more likely to be killed by a “normal” person than someone with mental health problems” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Changes Are Coming.

And no, I'm not really happy about them as I don't like change.

My CPN came round today. I told her how I was really struggling and that I had been having quite a few urges. She asked me about what G had asked me to do about writing down a pros and cons list of self harm when I wanted to do it. I said it hadn't really helped as in a way I just reinforced my own beliefs that swallowing stuff wasn't that bad. She asked me if that meant I had swallowed something. So of course I said no. She said that that didn't really make sense as if I was talking myself into it being ok, it wouldn't make sense that I wouldn't do it. So she asked me again and I said no. Then she asked me that if I had would I be honest and tell her I had and I said I wouldn't.

She left it at that really.

We talked a bit about what her role is in everything and she said that she felt she was useful when it was a bad time for me, but she could only then see me once every couple of weeks. And she said she didn't really feel that this was enough at times. She said I will still be getting the weekly psychological input from G and the medical input from Dr T but she felt at times I needed more. I have been on the waiting list to move over to another team for quite a while. The team I am under is only really meant to have you on their books for 1 year as it is an assessment team. I have been with them around 2 and a half years. She is only supposed to work for people for up to a year and she has been with me since April 2011. She said she felt that this other team would be better able to deal with me as I would be under the HTT rather than crisis team and if I needed them they are more able to do home visits and get more involved when needed and take a step back when not needed. But I would be getting a new CPN. The relationship I have had with this one has taken a few turns really and has really taken it's time to grow. I really didn't like her at first and I had a lot of issues with her, but now I quite like her and I am as honest as I could possibly be with her. It's taken so long to finally get somewhere with her. A lot of it was me and how I have changed and what I have accepted, but I don't really want to go through all that again with someone new and have to build that relationship all over again.

But she said that we need to think about getting someone from the new team involved as she doesn't want me to feel as though I am just passed over without much thought etc etc. She also wants everyone to clarify their roles in my recovery and all that shebang. So she said she wanted to arrange a meeting with her, G, Dr T, the new person and that she wanted me to attend. I said there was no way that that was going to happen as I don't want to go to meetings that are about me. She said it would be beneficial as she wouldn't want me to think that things are being done to me without any of my input. I said I didn't feel like that at all and would rather the power be taken out of my hands at times as most of the time, especially when things aren't the best, I don't know what is best for me. So, I prefer other people to make the decision for me. Then she started saying how this just feeds in to my avoiding things and that it would be better for me to approach it. I asked what the big deal was with avoiding this, if that is what I was doing. Yeah, I can see with some things I avoid things and it can be a huge problem. But not this. She just said she will arrange the meeting and let me know when it was so that if I changed my mind I could go. Well, that won't be happening. I'll prob have G trying to talk me in to it and getting all psychologisty on me about my thoughts and feelings about it. I can't see the point in subjecting myself to anxiety if I don't need to. But, I won't be doing. No way.

I can't really remember much else of the appointment. She was with me about an hour. The next appointment is in 4 weeks as I can't make the appointment in 2 weeks as I have my nephew for a couple of days and the week after I am away. She is part time I think and I don't think she works school holidays so getting to see her can at times be tricky. So, maybe someone who is more readily available would be handy, but then I don't think I have ever asked to bring an appointment forward with her. She's been the one chasing me and making me see her. So, I am not that bothered that she is not at my beck and call. Besides I am aware she has more than one patient and that her job does not revolve around me. I would rather people concentrate their efforts elsewhere rather than with me anyway as they will probably benefit more than me who ends up screwing everything up and going back to the start over and over again. I would rather them put their efforts in to helping someone who is actually ill rather than me.

I've kind of started seeing someone at the moment. But that's a whole other post. Maybe tomorrow.

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

I Can't Be Honest.

I told G (the psychologist) I'm really not coping. He seems to think I am. The reason being...all I have done is some blood letting. I'm a joke aren't I? How can therapy sessions be of any use when I can't be honest about what I have been doing and how often. If I told him I had been swallowing things he would contact my CPN and they would make me go to the hospital to make sure everything was ok and if I don't they would inform my parents that I had swallowed something. My theory though is that if there is no pain, there is no problem. They wouldn't do anything unless there was any pain so why bother going to the hospital and waiting a few hours to be told come back if you get any problems.

So, do I find way in getting round this. Do I tell him I have been doing worse things and if anything develops then I will seek help but until it does I won't. It's not as though it's going to kill me instantly. That one time it did do something it came on gradually. It's not like it would hit me all of a sudden and I wouldn't be able to do anything. Yes, possibly that would happen with an OD of many pills. I could pass out without warning with those. But with swallowing something I would be ok.

Swallowing stuff really isn't a big deal. I don't see why they make it out to be.

G wanted me to talk him through the blood letting today. I said I couldn't do it. I couldn't talk about the process of self harming as talking about it makes me think about it more and me want to do it. Like writing about it now even is quite triggering for me. He said I needed to be able to talk about it as I needed to not reinforce the urge and the thoughts. But I couldn't do it.

I was in a bit of a mess today. He said he thought I seemed quite hostile and he wasn't sure if it was aimed at him or if I was just being like it in general. That's when I got all tearful and sniffly. I said how knackered I was and that I couldn't cope with what was going on. The feelings were really grinding me down and I couldn't hope. At one point he asked me if I wanted to be in hospital. That was obviously a no. Do I need to be? I don't think so. Not sure how much of it is the not wanting to be that is over riding my rational thought. I don't actually know. What worries me is how in the past I have been quite irrational that my not wanting to so much has made it hard to see the need. I can see that, so, I think that I don't need to be as I have enough rational thought in me to say that. Does that make sense? I think back to how I was in 2011 and I feel the same about hospital.

I need to tell him don't I? I need to be honest. But I can't. I don't know how to go about it without them making me go to the hospital or without them telling my parents. But at the same time, it's not going to help me is it, not being honest. How can they help me if they think I am coping?

He asked how often I had been blood letting. So I tell him a few times. But what I meant was a few times I have swallowed something. He starts saying how he was worried that I wouldn't be able to cope after the decision with uni and he is happy that I am as I have not done anything serious. He does ask me if I have cut or swallowed anything. So I say how I don't want any more scars. He said well that covers the cutting but not the swallowing. So I just say I don't know. They think I am doing well. I'm not. But I don't know how I can go about telling them I'm not.

I don't know if it is just the problems with the neighbours why I feel like this. I need to relax and I can't. I need to sleep and I can't. I know it affects me if I don't get to be able to do this. But I think what is going on at the moment is a combination of things. When I saw my CPN the other week the problems with the neighbours weren't really that bad, yet I was still struggling and I was self harming then too. I lied about it and said I wasn't. But I was.

I suppose I can't really expect anyone to help me if I won't even help myself by being honest.

Any advice on how I could go about this would be great.

I've had the same lines from a song going through my head all day.

"And so I wake up in the morning 
Just like every other day and 
Just like every boring blues song 
I get swallowed by the pain."

Kind of how I feel really.

Bit Of A Mess

I'm not sleeping as of noisy neighbours and this is making it hard for me to manage how I am feeling. I can't relax in my own home as of the noise.

Pretty much every night there is loud music blaring out between 7-12ish. Thursday night it was so loud that when I had my friend over we ended up just turning the TV off as we couldn't concentrate on it. It was turned off by 11.30pm, but when it's all night you can't relax.

Last night they had a party. People were over until 12ish, shouting, screaming, running up and down stairs. Loud music, banging. People ringing my door bell just for the hell of it and to top it all off pissing against the wall on my side next to my bedroom window and then puking up by the front door, which no one has seemed to move.  It makes me really anxious. Which then means I can't sleep. Take last night for instance. I was getting really wound up with the noise and couldn't relax at all. I was exhausted as I had done a lot of cardio that day. Come 12ish after noticing someone had thrown up and pissed against the wall they decided to go out. After many more screams and shouts, doors slamming and taxis honking their horn they left. But I was still really wound up and anxious. I knew that they would be coming back in a few hours and waking me up when they got back as they are not quiet people. I can't get to sleep as I am anticipating being woken again. Come 4am about 4 of them return home and are talking really loudly and banging around upstairs.

I think I finally fall asleep somewhere around 5 but I am up at 7.30am. So now I feel horrible. I can't control my emotions and keep breaking down in tears every few minutes. My urges are in overdrive. Last night I ended up breaking down as well. I can't live like this. I spoke to the psychologist about it last week and he said if it continues I should be making an appointment with my GP to get some sleeping pills. I don't think it would work. Friday night it was a quiet night so I managed to actually be able to relax in the evening. I went to bed and slept all night. I actually slept for 13 hours. If I am relaxed I can sleep. But as soon as it starts up I get so wound up that I can't sleep and get so anxious and on edge that the urges start. Perhaps haloperidol and lorazepam would work, as they worked quite well for me when I was in hospital, but I hate the way I feel the next day on them.

I have sent an email to the agent asking him if it would be possible if he could send an email out to all tenants of the building reminding them of the terms of their contract. I said I don't want to make an official complaint but if it came to it I would.

I am also feeling shit about other stuff and because I am so tired I can't deal with it.

There's always something isn't there. Nothing is ever going smoothly.

Seeing the psychologist later. Not sure how I feel about today's appointment.