Sunday, 24 July 2011

Going Away For A Bit

I'm going away for a bit. So I wont be posting or reading. I don't think I will be anyway. I am not sure if I will be able to.

I can't say I am looking forward to going. It's been something I have kind of been coerced in to. I would rather be on my own at the moment.

But, who knows. It may not be as bad as I am expecting it to be. I can only hope it's not as bad as I am expecting. But my theory is expect the worst and you'll be pleasantly surprised when it's not as bad as you think.

I will write when I get back.


Saturday, 23 July 2011

Letter From DPM to Dr T and GP

Here is a letter I have received from the person I saw from Psychological Medicine.

Dear Dr T,

I assessed GP on the ward at the hospital on the 20/07/11. She had been admitted at aprox 1am on the 19/07/11 following a planned suicide attempt. She told me she did not know how she had got to the hospital but the ED notes indicate she was found in a bus shelter by an ambulance crew after a phone call had been received by them. When she was found her GCS was 3 and remained at a lower consciousness level for approximately 10-11 hours after the event. GP told me she had the intent to die and once she had made the decision to attempt she felt calm and wanted it to work.

Mental Health History

GP told me she was under the care of the CAT team and the counselling service. She told me she is currently being treated with Quetiapine 400mg. She sees Sam at the counselling service for therapy sessions and was last seen on the 8/07/11 (the day of the attempt) by Dr T. She told me she self harmed about 5 times per month (it's actually a week, she got that bit wrong) by blood letting with a needle. However, she said that for the past 4 months she had been feeling "suicidal" and that her moods can drop for long periods of time. She told me she had attempted on Monday as she had the opportunity to do it whilst her parents were away. I believe GP has attempted a number of times in the past and she told me earlier this year she was placed on a S136 after telling people she was suicidal.

 Mental State

At the assessment GP appeared coherent, rational and was able to express her self well. She appeared reactive in mood and told me she had not been feeling depressed recently. She told me she is a Masters student and plans to be a mental health social worker and was up to date with her work. She told me she continues to have periods of what she describes as dysthymia, when her mood can drop for long periods of time and she will have more active suicidal thoughts. She described feeling that during periods of time when her family are with her she is more able to control and manages these thoughts, also she can distract herself by keeping busy with uni work. GP denied feeling depressed at the present time. GP told me the self harm thoughts can come on very quickly and create a sense of agitation and distress, she told me that once she had made the decision to act on the thoughts, she feels more calm and that once the decision has been made she cannot then control it. She told me she could "not guarantee" that she would not attempt again. She told me she had no active plan or intent to self harm again over the next few weeks as she planned to spend time with her brother and his family and had plans to go to France next week. She also had plans to finish her coursework and see her boyfriend (I don't know how many times I have said he is not my boyfriend but a guy I am seeing).

GP agreed that her risk of self harm remained high and she is aware of the risk of death due to her current self harm behaviour. We discussed the need for her to identify the triggers to her more serious self harm behaviour at an earlier stage and to use the resources available to her to try and prevent her acting on thoughts.

GP did not want to be admitted to hospital and was very keen to be discharged home as she had plans for the evening. She told me she does not want to use the Crisis team number as she finds it difficult to discuss her feelings over the phone. She plans to continue with therapy and is willing to see you at another out patient appointment.

As discussed with you the following plan was agreed with GP

1) GP has been given the number of the mental health crisis team and I have encouraged her to use this if she starts to have thoughts of serious self harm.

2) I advised her in the absence of doing she could also self present at the ED and ask to speak to our team.

3) I advised her to keep the next outpatient appointment with you.

4) Advised her to keep next counselling appointment and she agreed I could phone her worker to discuss the situation.

So that's it. I got the feeling she got a bit mixed up with some of the things I said but on the whole it's not too bad. I don't know where people get that I am agitated from. I don't think I have ever said that. Dr T thinks that also. I wish in a way they would just tape record the appointment and provide a transcript. That way things that I have never said wouldn't be put there.

Oh well.

Friday, 22 July 2011

Am I Hallucinating?

I thought I just saw someone in my back garden. I don't know if I did or if I am seeing things like I did last night. I can't call anyone and say, "oh, I may be hallucinating, or it's a possibility that someone was in the back garden and jumped the fence"!

But bit worried now.

It's My Decision

Sam said it's all up to me. She said I need to be calling people when I get it in my head I wanna do something. I can see where she's coming from, but, once it is in my head there is no getting rid of it. I am more bothered about the in between bits and making sure it doesn't get in my head in the first place. I said this to her earlier.

They had a meeting about me today. Sam, the CPN (who I think I saw 2 or 3 times) and the clinical psychologist who is supervising Sam. Sam knows most about me. I was quite guarded with what I told the CPN and I have never met the Clinical Psychologist. The CP is working through Sam. I was referred to her by Dr T. They decided because I have a good relationship with Sam that it doesn't make sense changing over to someone else. Makes sense really. Although this was all decided before I was made to tell uni and since then I have become more guarded with what I say.

The CPN is also on annual leave at the same time as Sam. Not that I would call her anyway. They wanted me to go see Dr T on the 1st of August but I don't get back until the evening. I have been told I need to ring the team I am under if things start going wrong. They are also going to make a referral to Crisis team again. I don't know if they will come and see me though. I know I won't call them. So I am pretty much in same position. I told Sam I still feel the same. I still want to die.

I have a new plan now also, but I have not said that. I can't help my self. I am not going to ask for help with it. I am not going to let people know I have plans. I have been told I need to try. I agreed, but I feel I was just saying the things people wanted to hear. Also, I couldn't really talk. I was in a kids play area and there were loads of people around. I don't know how to be honest. Especially when I feel like this as I know what I want. I do feel that the only way there is to keep me safe is to be locked up on high obs. But even then, I would probably find ways. I know tricks. You learn quite a lot working in psychiatric units with some of the most manipulative people I have ever met. I honestly believe being in a hospital would make things worse. I am not saying it as a threat. But, I realise it may sound like that. I have to be careful how I word it when speaking to people as I appreciate it may sound like that.

So why do I think it would be worse? Well at the moment, no one knows. Not the whole extent of things. In some ways that makes me have some control. In that there are only certain times when I attempt. If people were to know there would be no holding me back. It would also ruin me. There would be no way I could work in mental health. So what would I have then? At the moment, there is some tiny part that is holding on and wants a future. If that future would be ruined then I would have nothing. I know that probably sounds, actually I don't know how it sounds. But not good, a bit whiny and a bit "oh poor me".

At the meeting they have said they didn't want me in hospital. But, it doesn't mean it wont happen. And it doesn't mean I am not paranoid about it. I even rationalise with myself about what I write on here and suicide forum. I am paranoid that someone who I don't want reading it may read it. I wonder if someone like Sam had read it then if she could break confidentiality. It's not anything I have told her, so does it count as breaking confidentiality. She has said in the past if she was going to have to break it she would inform me first. At least that would give me a heads up. I could bring things forward or do a runner. I think I would probably end up doing a runner. Getting far away and doing what I need to do where I could be on my own. I'd probably go to the coast. I have a thing about the sea.

I know I wont be calling anyone about anything. I just need to say the right things. The thing is I have made my decision to have another go at it. So what's the point in calling someone now? I have made up my mind. What I need is someone to talk to when I don't feel like I want to kill myself. I need someone so I don't get to the suicidal point. But it's kind of passed all that now so I am not sure if anything can now be done. Probably not. I just need to keep saying the right things and be careful with what I say to people. But. Saying that. I won't be seeing anyone before the next attempt, so I need not worry really.

The other day Sam asked me if I wanted to carry on with the counselling. I think she had the idea that I wasn't going to go anymore. I suppose I have not been in a few weeks. I haven't really committed so it's probably where she got the idea from. I have only seen her once since the 8th of June. I am not going to see her until the middle of August. She said she knew something was going on the other week when I cancelled. I said it was that I was ill. I was in a way. I was tired and feeling a bit meh. Sometimes you just don't feel like talking.

Sam has been amazing. I feel she has gone above and beyond what she should be doing. I bet when she first met me she didn't expect to be the main support person, to liaise with everyone else, to be going to Psychiatrist appointments with me, to be going to meetings about me, to be helping me with uni stuff, to have someone from an external organisation supervising her and possibly changing the way she works. She has put so much time and effort in to me. It leaves me feeling really bad as I have been seeing her coming up to 9 months now and I don't seem to have improved. It's a charity that is not funded by NHS. If it was NHS and she was doing what she was doing it would be more understandable. But, she puts so much time in. She has just emailed me a letter now at 20.30 on a Friday night that asked her about. I decided I was going to apply for an extension on my essay and asked her if she would support me. So I get an email back from her so late. I feel bad for asking so much of her. Especially when I don't seem to give that much back. She is amazing. I never expected so much from someone and have got so much from her.

If you were in my position what would you do? Not what should I do and what is right, but what would you be doing?

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Haunted of Hallucinations

Either my house is haunted or I am hallucinating.

I've just seen someone walk by my living room door in the hall out of the corner of my eye.

I am now proper freaked.

I am Scared.

I think they have been discussing admission to hospital. I spoke to Sam earlier and she mentioned it. She said it had been discussed and asked my feelings on it. I honestly don't think that going in to hospital would make things any better. It would make things worse. I think Sam agrees with me. She said she is concerned and that if I couldn't keep myself safe, that would be an option.

She asked me if I was planning anything and my feelings after. I said I feel let down and disappointed. Partly in myself and partly because it didn't work. I said it was so easy and I came so close to succeeding that doing it again seems appealing. I feel the same in myself, I think I do anyway. I said I was thinking of doing it again and making another serious attempt but not in the next couple of weeks. I think I worried her. She said she was concerned as she is off on holiday when I get back and so I wont be seeing her for about a month now.

She asked me my feelings about Dr T. I said that I had told him I was having suicidal feelings again and they were not questioned. She asked me if I felt that he had not done his job properly. I said not necessarily, as I wouldn't have told him exact plans anyway so there was not a lot that he would have been able to do. I acknowledged that it's my doing. That I have to take responsibility for what I do. I said the only way to stop me once I made my mind up would be to put me in a straight jacket. And because I am so intent on not going to hospital I wouldn't say if I was planning anything any way.

The reason for doing it? Well because I sick and tired of there not being any change in my changing moods. I'll be ok for a while and then I will be low/depressed for a few weeks or I will go a bit hyper and elated. I can't see how any of it will change as I don't see any triggers of why things are like they are. People are telling me there are triggers and I just need to learn to see what they are but I can't.

So, tomorrow there is a meeting between the clinical psychologist, the CPN who I saw a couple of times and Sam. It's worrying me quite a bit that these people are getting together to discuss me. I've not said anything. I think Sam knows I have not been totally honest about my feelings. She says I have come on since starting counselling but personally I do not see it. She tells me different ways in which I have but, I still don't see it.

I hate the idea of people talking about me like tomorrow will be. But I hate even more being there when people talk about me. The meeting with Dr T and Sam was horrible. I felt put on the spot and really nervous. So I wouldn't want to be there anyway. Sam said she would call me after.

She wants me to have something in place while she is off. She thinks it may be good seeing the CPN for a bit longer but, I don't feel as though anything can help me right now. I know it will happen again. I don't know when exactly, but when I get back it will happen again. I was close, really close according to the woman from Psych Medicine. But, I don't know if they were just saying that. I wonder if I hadn't have been found if or when I would have died. I think my body would maybe have just have sorted it's self out.

Anyway, I am still quite ill from it all. I nearly passed out this morning. I was outside and as I stood from a squatting position everything went black and then started spinning. I had to hold on to something so I didn't hit the deck. I came inside and sat down for a bit until it passed but it did worry me a little. Then, I went to see the nurse today to have my blood pressure checked (for my contraceptive pill for the PCOS) and it was 186/105. It has never been that high. She took it a few times. I told her about the attempt and what happened this morning and she called through to the doctor. She asked quite a few questions. I explained how I had been feeling really sick all day and having dizzy spells. Anyway, they wouldn't let me go as it was so high. I don't get it. When I was in hospital it was always on the low side. They called the doc in hospital at one point as it was only 85/50. I was at the doctors all in all 2 hours. In the end it did come down, 115/72. I got a head ache while I was there and still felt sick. She said if I was to get any worse I was to call the out of hours doc tonight and if I was still the same tomorrow to get an emergency appointment. Don't know what they would do. I could see them sending me back to the hospital. So I think I will just grin and bear it. After all, if it is serious and does get me then that's just a bonus.

I am worried they are going to suggest Psych wards. I can't tell them I will not do it again. If I did they would know I was lying. I don't know what I can say to make it look better for me. They will know if I suddenly change my tune that something is not right.

I've got an essay to write by Sunday evening. Sam said I should get an extension but I can't really when I know I am going on holiday on Monday for a week. I can't say "can I have an extension as I am going on holiday for a week so can I have a 2 week extension". Doesn't look good does it. Also I just want it out the way. There's still that small part of me that wants to succeed in life also.

So tomorrow, Sam is going to call me and let me know what goes on. I will write again when I know more. But I kind of feel my fate is not in my hands anymore. There is some weird thing that's not me controlling it!


Wednesday, 20 July 2011


I attempted again. I nearly succeeded. In future I must lock myself in the house and hide the keys.

I won't say what I did but it has been classed as a serious attempt that if I had not have been found would have worked.

Now everyone (as in professionals) is flapping. Especially as I said I could make no guarantees that it wont happen again. Which is true. I was unconscious from about 1am to 11am. I only briefly remember coming round a bit in the resuscitation room on the bed in just my knickers. And fit nurse was there. I made a fuss as obviously there were 2 blokes and I was practically naked. But I passed out again. I came round again 10 or so hours later hooked up to loads of machines. Apparently my heart was not happy and they had to give me some medication to slow it down.

Another embarrassing friend was on shift on the ward as the registrar. He told them who I was as I didn't have any ID on me. Embarrassing. He wont tell anyone as he can't, doctor patient confidentiality and all that. Although this morning I had to say to the nurse that I knew him and I didn't want him as my doctor as he was about to see me with all the other doctors like they do on ward round. So the Sister (are they called sisters if it's a bloke, is it a brother?) had a quick word and he discreetly went away when it was my turn.

So, all this led to a Psych Medicine referral. She was panicking. Then she was worrying me saying she couldn't decide any thing without speaking to Dr T my consultant Psychiatrist. She said he may suggest MHA Assessment, or make me see crisis team, or he may want to come see me as he was in the same hospital that day. So she had me worried for about an hour as she had to wait for him to come out of meetings. I then had some alcohol liaison nurse come see me which was a waste of time. I explained I didn't get drunk then decide it was a decision to do both and that usually I only drink about a bottle of wine per week and I have seen someone in the past and they had said there was no alcohol problem. So she was happy with that and left me to it.

Finally the woman from PM came back and said she had spoken to Dr T. All he said was I should call Crisis Team if I need help. So he obviously hasn't listened to a dam word I have said in all the appointments with him. PM woman also called Sam. I gave her permission to. I knew I would find it easier to discuss with her if she already knew all the details. So I get home after being there nearly 40 hours and Sam calls me. She wants me to go in tomorrow. I said I couldn't as I have kids to look after tomorrow so we have arranged a telephone appointment for tomorrow. She said she was worried as she is going to a meeting with the Clinical Psychologist and the CPN I saw on Friday and she hasn't seen me for ages. Which is right I suppose. I have only seen her once in the last 5 weeks and I am not going to see her for another month now as of my holiday and her holiday. She also said the feelings that other professionals were having were that I did it because I was told I was being discharged back to my GP. How wrong are they. I feel like seeing Dr T has been a waste of time and there is nothing that he did that my GP couldn't have done anyway.

So how do I feel now. Deflated. Pissed off. And I want to do it again and get it right.
PM woman asked if I was depressed at the moment. I said not. That I felt pretty stable. She then asked why. So I told her.

It's all a waste of time anyway. I don't think anyone can actually help me. I have been under Psychiatric services for coming up to a year now. And, not a lot has changed really. I feel that they have not done anything for me. I don't know what can be done for me.I think my GP would probably be better. I like my GP also. He always smiles when he sees you which is really nice. If that makes sense. He makes me feel unique and not just another patient with the same problem he has seen a million times.

Sam asked how I was feeling and I said I felt crap at the moment but I didn't know how I felt about the whole attempt thing. I hadn't had chance to think about it. I dunno, even though you are really bored hooked up to machines and with nothing to do, I don't think about it. It's when I get home and I am on my own. I have Vince coming over in a bit. Obviously I wont tell him what happened but he will be here to take my mind off things.

I will write again tomorrow when I have had this telephone appointment with Sam.


Monday, 18 July 2011

Psychiatrist Appointment.

Went to see Dr T this morning. And I am kinda pissed off kinda puzzled. Being pissed off after appointments with him is pretty standard. He asks me what I want, I tell him and he knocks me back. Why not just tell me what's going to happen.

He asked how things had been and I said they hadn't changed drastically but there had been a little change but I didn't know if this was due to pills or because things had changed. I said I would like to increase the dose of the Quetiapine. My theory being that if changes were due to medication then increasing the dose would increase how I feel. At first he knocked me back saying he wasn't going to do that. I said why I thought it may be worth doing it and in the end he agreed to put the dose up to 400mg from 300mg. He said he wouldn't increase it any more as any higher would see more side affects and he wants to keep it at a therapeutic dose (what ever that is) and he said because I am not psychotic he said he wouldn't give me a dose which is to treat psychosis. Which is fair enough. I have never said or felt that I have psychosis.

He asked me why I went to see him and I said because I was told to and for medication. He said usually people were only under their service for about a year and then they went on to a recovery team. He said that was more for people with strong diagnosable disorders. So he said he would be looking at referring me back to my GP. I feel he hasn't actually done anything and since I have been under him since the beginning of the year I don't feel as though anything has changed. So again, it feels like I have been labeled as untreatable and just being turfed back to where I came from.

I mentioned I had suicidal thoughts and he didn't ask about them. So I didn't elaborate anymore. I couldn't see the point when he just discredits my feelings. I told him how I had been seeing Sam since before Xmas and that I hadn't really seen any improvement in how I am feeling and what is there. He kept going on about how it would be something that makes me self harm. I disagreed with him. Why does there need to be a reason. And he was telling me how I wouldn't be getting veins where I was self harming. I disagreed with him also on that saying that all the sites that I blood let is where they have put cannulas in before so I knew there were veins there and that they way it bled gave it away that it was a vein. He said not. I left it at that. It's as though he wants to challenge me and say I am wrong on everything. It's as though every thing I say is wrong in his eyes.

He just makes me so angry and pissed off.

I think when I am discharged in a couple of months will be my time to leave Sam also. I don't want to go to the counselling anymore. It's obviously not working for me. I find writing on here a lot more therapeutic than counselling. Also, I feel less restricted on here. I can say what I want and not feel stupid. Sometimes speaking about my thoughts out loud I feel really stupid. It's like voicing them makes me mad. Like when I was talking about the paranoia that people were following me it felt so stupid saying it out loud. Does anyone else get that?

I don't think there is anything major in my past that would cause how I am now. It's just the way it is.

I will be glad to get away from that Psychiatrist anyway. He hasn't exactly helped and he just pisses me off. Also, as I have said before the only reason I go is so they don't section me. It will be nice to have that freedom and not feel as though evidence is being gathered against me.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

This is Going To Sound Stupid...

I can't get the dream and the feelings out my head. I am actually wondering if I had the dream for a reason. Was it telling me something. Was it telling me to go ahead and do it tonight? The more I think about it the more it makes sense. But I try and rationalise and think it was a dream. Dreams don't speak to you. Dreams are just that, dreams and not a reality.

But I can't get the thoughts out my head. It's going round and round and round. I feel so uneasy. It's like I have been holding my breath for a while.

I don't actually know what to do?

Weird Feeling

I slept a lot last night. I went to bed at 1. My friend woke me up at 8.30am to be let out the house and I thought I would go back to bed for an hour or so. I didn't wake up until 3pm. I don't feel rested at all. I feel awful. Not in a physical way but mentally. I don't know why but I am having those feelings like when I have done something that has required a hospital trip or like after I was done on a 136.

It is a knot in my stomach that I feel something is uncompleted. It's a sickening feeling of feeling let down and a failure. It may be something to do with the dreams I have having last night. I can't remember many of them.

There was one where I dreamt I was in hospital. I think I was in the hospital grounds and I stabbed myself in my abdomen. The knife or what ever it was was stuck in deeply. I was on a trolley in the normal, not serious injury area of the hospital. It wasn't my hospital or hospital I had been to but it was the staff from my hospital. And bitch nurse was there. I pulled the knife out and I started bleeding and I could feel the warmth of the blood pouring down my legs. The nurse started shouting at me for being stupid. A couple of nurses then rushed me round to the serious injury area, again it wasn't my hospital but the staff were from my hospital. They were saying I needed to have an operation and they would need to let my family know as I would be in hospital for a few days. I said I didn't want them to know and I didn't want the operation as I just wanted to die. I had a really warm fuzzy feeling and it was like I floating. It was an amazing feeling. I said I didn't want to have surgery and I would just stick a plaster on it. They called my family anyway without my permission and they came to the hospital.

Another one I had was weird.

I dreamt I was on a beach and I was looking down at another beach as though I was on a cliff top but I was still on the beach. I was in the sea but it was quite rocky and painful to stand on. I was struggling to get back to the beach as I didn't want to stand up. To get back I rode a small wave back and it meant I didn't have to stand up. I was with a couple of other people but I can't think who they were. When I was back on the beach I was stood watching people on the beach lower down laughing and goofing around. It was a group of young people having fun. Then there was this speed boat that came all of a sudden. A man got off carrying something on his shoulders. He climbed up to where I was and saw that what he was carrying was like a barrel of blood that had come from a donar bank. I remember asking him how many units there were in the barrel and he said 34. He used the phone that was on the wall to ring where he was supposed to be taking it to.

And that's it. With that dream, I wonder if anyway it was related to the first dream.

I think the feelings I have today are possibly because of the 1st dream and because I slept so late. It's like I did do something and didn't get back from the hospital until late and thus sleeping in late. Although it didn't happen it's like my brain is telling me it did.

I have kind of screwed up my sleeping patterns sleeping so late. I have a Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow in the morning so I need to go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight but it's not going to happen really.

Wish me luck for tomorrow!

Still Feeling The Same

Things have not changed. I feel the same. I think about suicide all the time. It is a big part of my life at the moment. I wonder if I am feeling more stable because I have made the decision to attempt in a couple of weeks. They say that people who have made the decision who are depressed can then seem quite lighter and less depressed. Is it that maybe?

Stupid thing made me upset yesterday. Was Gom related but not directly. I saw that his parents had sold their house and from the looks of it (from my Facebook stalking while logged in to my Mum's account) they are moving on to a house boat. I felt sad (I think it was sad anyway, if not there was an emotion that I was feeling) that I wasn't part of that big lifestyle change of theirs. For the 8 years that Gom and I were together they talked to me about quite a lot of things and they valued my opinion on things as I did theirs. So this got me thinking. Why, was I not bothered about Gom getting engaged but was about his parents selling their house? That is some weird thought processes. I am not bothered about LD's relationship with Gom. She is welcome to him. What I don't like is her being a part of their family. They were my family. And, I suppose they never did anything wrong to me and I loved them like my own family. It's weird.

Had a nice moment with Vince today. He came round to mine and we just hung out watching a film. We sat there cuddling on the sofa and he kissed me on top of my head. Ok, of course we have kissed normally but that was different. That was more meaningful. He also said my hair smelt nice. I do like him but there are some reservations I have about him in that I think he may be quite immature. I haven't worked it out yet if he is immature or just is like that in a fun way? I think drunk Vince may be the answer. I think people show their true colours when they have had a drink.

He has tiny hands. I hope that isn't an indication of the size of his...

These things are important. I like him but if he is bad in the sack then there's not much hope. I am quite reserved and shy when it comes to bedroom activities. I think Gom broke down my confidence there, it may just be that I am not very good of course.

As my friend said to me earlier though, I should just have some fun. I don't need to be looking at it as "am I going to settle down with this person". I never really thought about it that way. She is right. I should just see how things progress.

I say this, but then I am still making all these plans to end it. What's the dealio there? How can I want something so bad and yet still think about relationships etc when I have already made a plan. I think it comes down to the 2 parts of me thing again. I have written about it before and about how I am at least 2 different people. I know which one of them is the stronger one and I am in agreement with them.

I don't feel as though I can speak to anyone about it either. I have been withdrawing more and more from Sam and find it really hard to be open. I think because when we first started the sessions she didn't really challenge me or ask me things. She just agreed with me or made me feel better about the way I was feeling. She would be empathetic and make me feel as though what I was feeling was normal. And it was space to talk about what I wanted. But now she is focusing more on the self harm itself and my feelings at the time etc. And that makes me uncomfortable.

So what would you do?

Thursday, 14 July 2011


I think things are stable at the moment. But then when I am still planning on attempting in about 3 weeks I guess they can't be as stable as I think they are.

I have been planning it for a few months now. I have come out of the horrible depression but something still lurks. Something is hiding in the shadows waiting to pounce. It's how I feel all the time. The not knowing is killing me. I feel as though I have adrenaline coursing through my veins and I am on high alert. But this is my stable. This, other than those feelings of the adrenaline, is I suppose as close to normal as I am ever going to get.

I don't know why when I feel like maybe things are a bit more stable that I continue to plan for that night in the not to distant future. I made my decision about it when I was stuck in that deep black hole. But, even though I have somehow climbed out of it I am still left with the same plans, the same thoughts. The cycles are pretty normal for me. Low for a few weeks, come out of it for a week or so, low again, normal, high for a few weeks, then back to being normal. But how long for? It's always the same. It may be a few months I feel pretty normal for. I think the longest may have been about 3-4 months. Even when I was travelling last year I wasn't right. Those thought processes were not the thought processes of a normal person.

I was meant to see Sam yesterday. I cancelled. I came home from work early and I couldn't be bothered to leave the house again. She asked me last week about my thoughts on these next few weeks as I mentioned to her before about attempting when I am planning. But I didn't let her think it was a definite. I said it was a maybe. She asked me what I thought now on the whole thing. I lied and said I hadn't really given it much thought. I am finding it harder and harder to be honest with her. I am finding it harder and harder to be honest with myself.

Am I stable? I feel it but the thoughts and plans would suggest otherwise.

Monday, 11 July 2011

Leibster Blog Award

I was reading through my blog roll the other day when I came across Catherine's post about the blog award and on it she had nominated me.

I first met Catherine on Suicide Forum and she has been a massive support to me through my problems and has always been quick to offer sensible, practical advice. And make me feel a hell of a lot better when I feel that things can not possibly get any worse. I have been a member on Suicide Forum since about 2007 after my first (and unfortunately not last) suicide attempt and she has been there from the very beginning.

Anyway, I will follow the guidelines and nominate 5 other blogs which I feel deserve more recognition. I have tried to ensure that they have not already been nominated and gone for different ones but I can't be sure.

So here are the guidelines...

The Liebster blog award is given to blogs by other bloggers who have fewer than 300 followers and who the blogger feels deserves a lot more recognition and following than what they currently get. Once you receive/accept the award the idea is to pass it on to other bloggers who you feel are also lacking in the recognition they deserve

When you accept the award you must:

1) Create a post on your blog and add the Liebster blog image.

2) Link back to the person who gave you the award.

3) Choose 3-5 of your favourite blogs, link to these in your post and tell these lucky bloggers that they’ve been tagged.

So here are my nominations in no particular order. Also as a side note they are not all blogs written by people experiencing or who have experienced MH problems. But I read these people's entries on a regular basis and feel that they should be recognised more. So please have a mosey on over to them.

1) My Head Noise - La Reve Blog
This person has obviously had a lot of struggles and she continues to fight and fight. I feel I have got it bad sometimes but to have her experiences and then do what she does, well it amazes me. I don't think I could if I was her so hats off to her and the best of luck in the path you chose.

2) Chaos and Control - Little Feet
Again, another person who continues to fight. I have found it enlightening to read about her recent hospital admission and also the courage she has displayed in dealing with it.

3) A Day in The Life of a BASICS DOC
This is so inspiring. This guy is a doctor, works a full time job and then volunteers his time to be a rapid response Doctor. Dropping everything to race off to an emergency to save a life. This guy, along with all other medical staff are heroes. I mean, who keeps calm in the face of adversity. Who can keep calm with someone like me who has been to hospital numerous times as of self inflicted injuries, and numerous times as of accidental (I had another injury today but at least it didn't involve a hospital trip...long story). He may not feel calm and as though he likes a patient but he doesn't let it show.

4) Ramblings of the Differently Sane.
When most people would fold being told you can't continue in what you have trained for they have continued to fight. Personally, I find it inspiring. At the thought of me not being able to continue my studies for a year or at all had me in such a mess. I was lucky. But, being put in the same position as this person I honestly don't think I would be around to blog.

5) The Masked AMHP
This is what I want to do. I aspire to be an AMHP. I find it fascinating the reasons and ways in which he works. Also, it kind of helps me avoid being sectioned :-) But in all seriousness, it's not an easy job. I like the way in which he writes about his role and the importance that is placed on it.

I appreciate that not everyone will agree in my choices here and it may even anger some people. But, I hope that in nominating these people for awards that they will receive more recognition for what they do.



Sunday, 10 July 2011

Blog Carnival - Stigma and Discrimination.

This is quite an important topic to me. So important I am writing my dissertation for my Masters in Social Work on it. In particular the stigma of personality disorders.

With people I know, i.e friends and family I don't make well known the problems I have experienced or experience. Being a Social Work student perhaps I should be more able to let other people be aware of the issues that I face. But I don't. The reason being is I fear discrimination. The friends (if you can call them that, I have written posts before on the problems I have had with friends) that do know about some of the problems have seemed to have distanced themselves from me. The night I fell over and broke my ankle saw me being open-ish with them about what has been going on. Since then, I have not heard from them and not seen them. That's two and a half months ago. I have been left out of group things and no one has really been in contact. I wonder if they think it's catching, or, if they just don't want the hassle of having a friend who is slightly different to them.

I say that in being a student in Social Work I should probably be more open. You know, fighting for acceptance etc of mental health. But in reality, I know there is massive stigma and discrimination of people with MH problems. There are all these campaigns out there such as Time to Change which promote the acceptance of people with MH problems and encourage people to speak out about it. I am a big believer in this. I believe that people should be able to openly discuss that they have problems. I mean, if someone had a physical illness such as diabetes they wouldn't be chastised for talking about that. So why with MH? Yet, even though I am a believer in this, I can't find it in myself to be open with people I know or meet about it.

I want to be a MH Social Worker. I eventually want to do my AMHP's training. Surly as someone who wants to do this I should feel that I could be more open about the issues I have faced? But no, it's because I fear discrimination and stigma.

It's not just the wider society a person experiences stigma and discrimination. It's from the inside also. Especially if you are fortunate enough to have been given the "diagnosis" of a personality disorder. I wont go on about my thoughts of the concept and diagnosis of PD as I have many times before. There are studies out there that have shown that the patient with the diagnosis of PD is the least preferred patient. So what does this mean?

Off the top of my head and sorry if I am wrong, but 1 in 3 people will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life. 30% of people with MH problems have been diagnosed as having a PD. I don't know if this means that nearly 10 in 100 therefore are able to be diagnosed with a PD? Maybe I am getting it round my neck. But either way, the prevalence of PD is quite high. So, why is this the diagnosis that experiences most stigma and discrimination? You would have thought that a person who works in mental health would be used to dealing with people who are diagnosed with this (considering the prevalence), so why the stigma? It's something I am going to look into more when I start writing the dissertation.

I have also seen the stigma and discrimination first hand. Some of the things that qualified members of staff have come out with... such as "that's typical, she's PD" in regards to someone being upset over an event. "Be careful with them, they're a PD patient, they'll switch and use anything you tell them against you". "Typical PD" about someone who self harmed. I have seen people who have been diagnosed as having a PD being treated as second class citizens. This was in a unit specifically for PD. You would expect the staff to be a little more understanding and less harming to patients really. This particular unit I worked at has been in the news a couple of times recently as of bad management though, first a patient succeeded in killing her self as her obs weren't done correctly and then because of a riot breaking out! It was a horrendous place and I was so glad when I found another job to go to. Again, I have written more about this unit previously.

I have noticed the stigma when being in hospital. For instance, when I have had to go to the ED as of self harming or suicide attempts I have found that the staff have been very brisk with me. There is one member of staff who hates me. Well there's probably more but she makes it quite well known. She says things like "you are being a silly girl". "I thought you were going to sort your self out". "There's people who need our help out there"... and a few other nasty comments which have just not been needed. There has been a doctor when I asked how long it was likely to be (in a nice pleasant way) snap at me and say "bloody typical of you self harmers, you come here after self harming, expect to be patched up and rushed through". Never in the ED has someone asked why? They see self harm as an attention seeking thing.

When I have been at the hospital as my own accident proneness (usually 2x a year that is in no way related to self harm), I have been treated with respect, they have been nice to me and caring and showed an interest in my life.

It's not just with self harm that they are bad. I went in with a service user a few months ago. Basically I was concerned that the stress she was under because of the housing issues would trigger an episode for her as they had in the past. So I went out my way to take her to the emergency doctor, miles away from her house and then to the ED as the emergency doctor wouldn't do anything. Anyway, I took her to the ED as I wanted to get her seen by someone as I was concerned. They were awful to her. Shoved her in a cubicle and didn't come check on her or anything. 6 hours we waited and not once did they come to volunteer how long it was likely to be. The only information I got was when I kept asking and asking and then eventually saying I felt we were being fobbed off as no one was telling me anything.

Everyone holds prejudices. If you think you don't then you are not human. It's how you handle them that count. I have also written posts on the prejudices that I hold. But, most people learn to not let them affect what they do. I leave my own personal feelings and values at the door when making decisions. I think in some cases they are ingrained in to you from a young age.

When I was growing up I lived near a Psychiatric Hospital. We used to scare each other with stories of what the "psychos" would do and we would worry about them escaping. This is from being about 4 or 5 and talking about it with your friends. I have found myself correcting people now though about it. My brother being one of them calling it a mad house. And then he was getting it all wrong about the difference between the drug and alcohol ward and the normal wards (normal psychiatric wards). I was trying to explain that not all the people and the D+A ward were mentally unwell etc etc etc. And he was trying to tell me how it had moved from a place where it wasn't to the place he was now. Anyway, I had a lot of correcting to do. But it's amazing how people will describe psychiatric hospitals and wards with such throw away words like "mad house, crazies, loony bin" and a few others. Why can people get away with this, you don't hear people talking about physical illnesses like that. Why is it worse to be seen talking about someone with a physical illness in a derogatory way and not a person with mental health problems?

I've not quite written this blog how I wanted to so maybe I will come back to it and change it at a later point, but for now it will do...


Wednesday, 6 July 2011


Shit news first...

I put a pound on. So I am now 16'11 (total loss 3lb)

I think it's because the two weeks previous I had not been careful and my birthday weekend and alcohol consumption just caught up with me. So even though I was really careful last week I put a lb on. I would hate to imagine what it would be if I hadn't have been careful. So this week I am going to try even harder. I am going to a gig tomorrow. The White Lies are playing and so I am going to see them. Beyond excited. But I will be dancing and singing a long so hopefully that will help me shed some weight.

I am not doing too well really at this Fat Club. I really need to step up a gear. I finish placement next week so hopefully I can be a bit more active. After all I have a park for a back garden. I should make sure I use it.

Anyway, on to other news.

Had first appointment with Sam in about 4 weeks. I didn't tell her about the cutting. But we did discuss Vince. And she embarrassed me when she asked why I would be bothered about the scars as why would he see them. Knowing fully well. And thus making a prude me embarrassed. Yes. I can write about very personal things. But sex...well it makes me embarrassed. I know kind of pathetic. She was then teasing me about when my parents go away and what that will mean. I think I may have gone a little red. Anyway, she seemed to probe quite a bit about Vince. In a nice way, kind of, this is going to sound stupid but a friend getting the gossip.

She can read me so well. And she is so honest about what she thinks. It's kind of worrying. I suppose she needed to be. If I felt someone was keeping something from me I wouldn't say anything to them. But she will come right out with it. For instance, she has asked me numerous times to write just before I cut/let so I can write about my feelings so perhaps we can see if there is any pattern. She asks me quite often, well at every appointment if I have thought any more on doing it.

This week she asked me again. When I said no, as I didn't really think about my feelings that much I just don't do it. She came out with, " I get the feeling it's somewhere you don't want to let me in". I was dead honest with her and said she had hit the nail on the head. I then went on to explain how I don't talk about my thoughts. I believe some thoughts should remain private to yourself and not share them. I said I don't want to open for people to see.

 I suppose but I didn't say it at the time is that I don't want to be so vulnerable. I don't even write my thoughts on here, as, I am a firm believer some thoughts should just be that and not voiced. I also said part of me felt like this because of having worked in mental health services I have seen bad practice where things are mentioned to other people where it doesn't need to be mentioned or people may have a bit of a giggle at what the person has said. Or, they would underestimate the importance of what someone has said. I don't want to be that person that someone discounts, has a giggle at etc etc. And, some of my thoughts are kind of stupid and I don't want to share those. I want to keep part of me private. I don't want people knowing everything about me and how I think, what I think about. My thoughts should be private and I don't want people knowing about them.

I suppose here though you could say what is the point in therapy. And if I am honest I would have to agree with you on this. I suppose I have been quite open with Sam but there is something holding me back and if I am honest I don't think I will be able to overcome. So, what does that mean for me? Does it mean I am wasting my time?

Also, another bit of being honest here...I don't know what I think before I self harm. I am not aware of my thoughts. So I suppose that is why I should write before self harming. It's not like I crave it, or I feel I need to do it for a purpose. The thought comes in to my head and I do it. It's like having a chocolate bar. You want one you have one. You want one, you know you shouldn't, but you do it anyway. OK, weird analogy there but, does that make sense to anyone?

I don't know where I am going to go from here. I am still thinking of suicide even though at the moment things are as stable as they have been in well over a year. But, I know like always at some point I will go down and go bad again. I can't cope with that. You may think I am being a pessimistic fool, I admit I am a pessimist, but it does seem to come in cycles where I will be ok-ish for a while but then take a dip where I will be down, low, depressed what ever you wanna call it for a few weeks at a time. Stable for a couple of weeks, hit a high and who knows how long that will last. The thing that brought me out the last one was being dosed up on morphine and dihydrcodeine. It knocked me out. That was after about 2-3 weeks of being on a high. I can't cope with these stages, these cycles.

Does still contemplating suicide and having a kind of plan put together for in about 4 weeks mean that I am depressed and not acknowledging it? Or according to Dr T, chronic feelings of emptiness what ever that is supposed to mean. I get the feeling as I manage somehow to function when I am low, depressed what ever it is, it is not taken as seriously and they are saying it's not depression. I think in their eyes they want me to be in bed for a week in a dark room and all the other stereotypical depressive symptoms before they will say..."yes, you have depression". But because some how I can drag myself in to placement or uni, that means I am not depressed as it doesn't fit in with what a depressed person should be! And therefore, because I can half function and I self harm it is a personality disorder.

Anyway, rant over. I am sure you don't want to read more about my thoughts and feelings on this whole diagnosis palaver!!!!

Off to bed now to watch Waterloo Road on catch up.


Sunday, 3 July 2011

Hope This Isn't The Start Of Things To Come

The past few days I have felt so fed up, low and not had any motivation. I really don't know why I feel like this. I am ensuring I eat healthily, things are going well with Vince and I quite like him. But for some reason my mood is low.

I suppose I am not feeling thrilled that my car has failed it's MOT and until I can get a certificate for it I can't drive it. The prospect of a 20 minute walk to the bus stop and an hour on a bus to get to the placement doesn't fill me with much hope. I hate buses and the fact I am going to have to spend 2 hours per day on one is pissing me off. It's not me being snobby why I hate the bus, it's because they make me feel really sick and I experience travel sickness on them. Especially at the end of the day I end up with head aches that I can't shift for the rest of the evening.

It also means I am going to have to get up an hour earlier to leave my house at 7.15am instead of 8.30am and I won't get back until about 6.45pm instead of about 5.15pm. I've got work I need to be doing and reading I need to be doing in the evenings and so it gives me less time. If I didn't get travel sick I would be ok doing it on the bus and I wouldn't mind so much as is forced work time but all I will be able to do is sit there and stare out the window for all 32 bus stops. I just hope it doesn't stop at every one!

Enough moaning about that anyway. I do feel my mood has taken a dip. I noticed on Wednesday and I have been struggling since then. So I can't really attribute my car to it. And really, a car would be a pretty pathetic reason to have a low mood. I am worried as I don't want to end up back down again. Even without the low mood part of me still struggles to see a future and is planning on attempting as soon as parents and family go away. I have been thinking about it for so long and have planned methods.

I think about it quite a lot. Even the thing with Vince isn't bringing me out of it or changing my mind. I sort of expect him to do a runner as soon as he knows the truth anyway. I am not expecting anything from it. Part of me wants to. I'm getting a more strong feeling of there being more than one person inside of me again.

I am meant to have an appointment with Sam this week but I don't think I will be able to make it. I have this week and next week booked in with her and then she stops for the summer holidays. It's been about a month now since I last saw her. Not sure if I want to continue with it. I feel that these professionals want to know my inner most private thoughts. I am not a believer of spilling all. I think some things should remain private to your self. Why should you open up about every single thought you have?

I don't really do it on here either. I don't talk about all my thoughts, feelings, etc. If I can't do it on here how am I expected to be able to do it face to face?