Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Why Being an Adult Sucks, Being Ill and Other Ramblings!!!!

This weekend I have been quite ill. Thursday on my way home from uni I started to feel a little sick. I didn't think anything of it as sometimes feel sick when I am tired. So I get home and I get worse and worse and worse. At about 7pm I get the squits. Nice. Every 10mins I am having to make a run for the loo. By 10.30pm I must have been about 10 times and I am feeling very very sick. So I am sat on the loo when woooosh....projectile vomited in to a plastic bag. The thing is the bag had holes so cue suck coming out all over the bathroom floor. Now I can't deal with sick even my own. The sight or sound of someone else being sick makes me want to be sick myself...having a friend who is very sickly and is sick at everything is not fun!

Now if I was a kid I would have had my mum there rubbing my back telling me all would be well and that I wasn't dying....I hate being sick. I am never sick. I often feel sick but I actually can't remember the last time I was sick when sober, that wasn't related to a hangover or that wasn't related to me being silly and taking overdoses (actually I can it was in July when I was in hospital with an infection I got from my travels in Asia..but I can't remember the time before this). So it came as a bit of a shock to me really. Now if I was a kid I would have been able to go and get in to bed and go to sleep, or have someone call the Doctor as they were worried about me. But no, I had to clean it up. Nice! So I was ill all day Friday also which if I was a kid it would have been a day off school. But as I am older I have other responsibilities so I was trying to sort out things and get things covered that needed to be covered at the same time as running to the loo every 10 minutes. Saturday I am completely better. Until Sunday evening. I contemplated going out Saturday night as I did feel fine but better judgement said no, you shouldn't as it may set off the bug again so I was sensible and stayed in. Also, I had to cancel some stuff with my uni group on Friday and let them down and it was with some of them that I was supposed to have been going out with. I didn't think it would look that good if one day I am too ill to get out of bed and then the next I am out drinking and dancing.

Sunday evening, the sickness comes back. Why I don't know. After a few hours of feeling really sick and sitting with a bucket under my chin while watching a film I was eventually sick. This time though I didn't have to clean it up at least as I was much better prepared. Being ill sucks. Being an adult and being ill sucks even more as you don't get any sympathy.

Another reason why being an adult sucks is snow! As a kid if it snowed you got the day off school (if it was bad enough) and you didn't have to worry about anything. Now I have to spend ages de-icing my car. I don't mind driving in snow, infact I quite like it. I would say that I am careful, I don't slam brakes on and I keep in a low gear. But there are others on the road who hate it and panic and cause accidents. I am worrying that this week there will be too much snow for people from different areas to get in to uni. I have two presentations coming up and some people are coming from about 70miles away. If the weather is bad then they wont be able to make it in. I have no excuse as I can walk to uni in about 20minutes if I walk fast. I walk in every day so I can't use snow as an excuse. What is it with this country? All we have to have is a small snow shower and the country grinds to a hault. It's minus 7-10c at the worst, get over it!!! People start panic buying, and then people moan about it. Come on. It's not exactly arctic conditions is it? How do you think people in places such as Canada, America, Russia etc etc etc cope year in year out with feet of snow, not just the few meagre inches we get? While I am on the subject of snow; while it looks pretty I get so sick of it after a while. I hate being cold. I hate getting wet feet and me being as accident prone as I am know it's only a matter of time before I fall over making a fool of myself. This year alone I have had 2 trips to A+E as of accidents...not through self harm. I should have probably gone last week also when I sliced my finger open on a knife but being as though I have been so much recently through self harm there was no way I was going to go. Oh and I wasn't going to use the knofe to self harm...I was cutting a cake! My friends all take the piss out of me as I am so accident prone. I have been known to fall over (when sober) when standing in the same place.

So if I don't blog for a while it's probably because I have broken my arm while trying to negotiate the snow and ice while walking!!!!

Sunday, 28 November 2010

Bahhhh Humbug!

I'm just not looking forward to Xmas this year. What do I have to look forward to. Actually I was the same last year. Xmas just no longer does it for me. Last year I had a boyfriend though, someone Else's family I could escape to. You see my family like to drink. Not just a couple but far too much that results in arguments and broken things. For the past few years I have been able to escape it all. I used to stay with his parents Xmas eve, wake up with them and do presents and then leave him with his family all day and then I would come back to mine. Do presents and dinner and then go back to his house in the evening. Perfect.

I like a drink too but not so much that I can't play games etc. Xmas should be about playing board games etc. Not drinking so much that arguments start and falling asleep.

I said last year to my boyfriend at the time that we should go on holiday over Xmas as I really didn't enjoy it last year. It's all too much. It's noisy and just annoying. The run up to Xmas gets me also. The shops get stupidly busy, people get annoying etc etc etc. Then there is people who put their decorations up really early...why??? As I drive around and from what I have seen by some of my friends on facebook people already have their decorations up. If it were up to me I wouldn't bother this year, I didn't last year either. But I live with my parents and my mum will want a tree etc. I can't see the point. I wouldn't actually be bothered if Xmas was cancelled this year. This year it will be even more pathetic. There will only be 4 of us for dinner! Some dinner that will be. I have said to my Mum that she shouldn't bother going to the effort of doing a dinner and we should go out somewhere. But then there's the issue with my Dad and he wont want to do that and we must all keep him happy.

I have my second nephew due just before Xmas and that's great. I am looking forward to meeting him. But because of the timing that newbie my brother and his partner want a quiet one with just her family and them. I don't blame them. For the past 4 years she has had to put up with my mad family. She's going to be knackered so why should she have to put up with the moodiness etc. We went to their house last year and it was lovely. But this year it's just my parents and me and my other brother. Who hasn't properly spoken to my Dad since a family holiday in August which went tits up. So you can see the fun I am bound to have there. I am considering actually getting a shift and working Xmas!!!! But then that would just leave the 3 of them.

I think if it wasn't for the fact that newbie will be making his arrival shortly I would have badgered someone in to going away somewhere hot. I would spend Xmas day by a pool/in the pool reading. The fact that I don't have a boyfriend doesn't help things either. Is it bad though that it's not him I will miss this year it's the idea of him and having somewhere else to escape to. Who am I kidding? Of course I miss him. I think about him most of the time even though I have not actually seen him in nearly 8 months! He is with someone else now and has been with her since April time so it must be love. We were not good for each other and I do want him to be happy...just not this soon. But I keep having images of his new girlfriend sitting around playing board games with his family in my spot. Her there Xmas morning opening presents with them all, going to the panto with them. I want to hate her. I don't like her I know that. Well I don't as I have never met this girl. She could be lovely for all I know...I have heard on the grapevine she is quite dull though and this is from 2 different sources. I know I couldn't ever get back with GOM. Not now, too much has happened and I know that I would be doing so for the wrong reasons and if we did we would only break up again when we hit a rough patch. It could never last between us. Also, I have too much pride; there is only so many times you can go crying on your friends and families shoulders about him.

So, cancel Xmas please. Or put me in a coma from now until Jan 7th when everything returns to normal. I don't like new year either. Why does everyone feel the need to go out and force them selves in to having a great time and spending a fortune as everywhere puts their prices up, you spend ages queuing to get in to crap places as everywhere is packed. You also have to pay a cover charge on these crap places. A taxi home costs more than double what it usually does and then you are queuing a life time for that also. So Bahhhhhh Humbug to it all!!!

Monday, 22 November 2010

Waste of Time!

I feel like I wasted my time today.

I had to go see a Psychiatrist about the self harm etc. I don't agree with the diagnosis that they had previously said I have which is emotionally unstable personality disorder borderline type. I said to him numerous times that to be diagnosed you need to meet 5 of the 9 criteria and I only met about 2-3. I agree that there are some traits but then with personality disorders everyone meets traits in some of the categories. I said I meet traits in the other ones also does that mean I have those. A few weeks ago at uni we did a thing on personality disorders. It was a clinical psychologist who ran the lecture and he said to everyone, go through these list of personality disorders and I want everyone who doesn't meet any criteria on any of them to raise their hand. Funnily enough no one did. He said even himself that he met some criteria but doesn't mean he had a personality disorder. Just because I self harm they want to label it as a PD. I feel so angry!

So back to the appointment. He asked me a load of questions. I said to him from the start that its hard for me to be totally honest about what is going on as the thing I fear most is hospitalisation. So I basically told him that yes, I was feeling suicidal and that overdosing is not the way I would choose to do it. I said I would make it look like more of an accident. I also said I didn't have any plans. This much is true as I don't have definite plans. He asked me where I see my self in the future. I said to him honestly what I would like but I couldn't see that happening with the way I am feeling now. I talked about the low mood. I also talked about the thought racing, everything going a million miles an hour and how it can last for a few days at a time. Then it goes back to being low. I quickly brushed over how I sometimes see things that aren't there or hear things that aren't there when I feel like this but he didn't really seem to hear me. What I mean is he didn't ask me to elaborate so I don't think that is a worry from him. After an hour he comes back to the same thing..."I'm not saying you have a PD but there are traits there and you would be best treated by PD services". It makes me feel so angry. He did not listen to a word I said.

I have had my meds changed again. Now being put on Duloxetine and he said if that didn't work then would try Reboxetine. I have looked in to both of them as I do and I hod no faith in the reboxetine so hoping that the Duloxetine will help. I asked him if I could combine the Duloxetine with the Mirtazapine and he said he felt it would be bad practice and went on about how he didn't know me and would be bad of him to do that. I felt like saying "you don't know me but you are making assumptions about me already though"! I just feel so angry about today and felt that it was such a waste of time. I still feel really low and depressed but now I also have the feelings of anger to contend with. So he is referring me on to the PD services as he feels I should have some kind of psychotherapy to address why I self harm. He said he found it odd that I didn't start self harming until I was 22. I do also.

I don't know what I wanted to come out of the appointment today. Maybe I am feeling angry as I didn't get what I wanted...i.e a different diagnosis. I work in mental health already and I know the stigma that comes attached to PD's. It's not a definite diagnosis of it but it's there that there are traits. It makes me angry as every one has traits but it's not in their medical notes etc.

He was incredibly patronising also. You could tell he was doing a textbook assessment..."thank you for sharing that, we appreciate it very much and we know it must be hard for you". Over and over and over and over again. I felt like saying "please just stop reading from your textbook"! I am not stupid. I am aware of what is going on and I don't want to be treated like that. I appreciate some people may give a little more info etc if they feel that what they are saying is being taken with some empathy. I am not one of those. Don't do it with me!

So, I don't know how long it will take for this psychotherapy thing to come through. I have said there is no way I am doing group based therapy. The reasons being are that I work in the city as a mental health worker and don't want to risk being in therapy with my own service users. Also the course I am doing could mean that I am likely to come in to contact with SU's through the studies and placements. But also, group therapy is not for me. I am very private. OK, I know I write a blog about it but I don't think anyone actually reads this and it's not as though you know who I am. But, there is no way I can sit in a group and discuss my self harming and feelings of suicidalness. I find it really hard to open up to people and I have issues around trust so a group thing would just not work for me. I told him this but I will have to wait and see what happens. I was also told by one of the nurses at the local hospital that I wouldn't be able to do psychotherapy until I had not self harmed in about 12 months as of the risk of it making things worse. Who knows what this therapy will be like then.

I have ideas about what could be factors affecting the way I do now. The thing is I have never told anyone about it. I worry about what people think of me too much so to tell them about something that happened when I was 13 is too big a risk I can't take. It's not like sexual abuse or anything like that but some stuff happened and I feel to tell anyone would affect the way people think of me now even though it was 13years ago. There are also other things that I just wont talk about. I know I am not doing myself any favours. But I can't.

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

I feel...

I am feeling...

I don't know how I am feeling. At the moment all I am feeling is kinda depressed. It's worse today for some reason. I don't know why. I even cried while watching The Little Mermaid earlier. What's all that about. I got quite nostalgic I suppose. It is the first film I ever went to see at the cinema. I would have been about 5.

My family are so ignorent to what is going on. Yesterday my Dad asked me if I was feeling any happier now. What was I supposed to say to that. I could have blown up at him but no I didn't. I just said yeh yeh. I feel sad of course I do but the depression is more than just feeling sad. It's a weight, it's something that lurks there all the time. It doesn't go away until one day it is just gone. I can physically feel it. I have been suffering on and off since I was about 15-16. Didn't actually realise I was until I was about 22. I started self harming when I was 22 also. I suppose in the past I had with alcohol consumption and hitting myself and punching things but it wasn't until I was 22 that I started cutting.

I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on Monday. I don't know what to say to him. I hope it's a bloke anyway. I am weird like that. It is assumed as I am female I would prefer to see a female nurse/docto/counsellor etc. I am not like that though. I know I have issues with trust and for some reason I find my self being able to be more open with a male. So, this appointment. I feel nervous about it. How honest should I be. I am scared that if I am too honest I will get packed off to hospital. But then don't they say crazy people don't know they are crazy? How do I explain to him the auditory hallucinations, the "smell". When I am bad there is always this smell that is there.
The auditory hallucinations are the same thing of someone shouting my name. I know there is no one doing it but it scares me all the same. Do I tell him that I am feeling suicical. That although I haven't set a date or anything I find myself making plans. Thinking about ways so that it wont look like a suicide. At the moment my thing is to fall infront of a car. I know I should be thinking about the person driving and what it will do to them. But there is part of me that is being really selfish. My other thing is if I do have to have an operation to get this needle out my arm lie that I haven't eaten or drunk anything and hope for some reaction with the anesthetic.

I've been having these weird de ja vu things recently. Well I have had them in the past but they are happening more and more. Basically what it is I will dream something and then weeks later I will be in that situation. It's nothing major like an event but just a situation like who I am with, the place that I am even if I have never been there before. It's really quite weird. It doesn't bother me as it is not as though I am dreaming about something happening and then it happens it is more of being somewhere. Maybe I can dream about what the lottery numbers will be. I say that, that means I want to win the lottery. Does that mean I can see a way outside of the depression. I don't know. If everything was fine then I wouldn't be feeling like this would I?

My feelings at the moment can be summed up by a couple of lines from different songs...
"I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had".
"I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either".

I know I haven't got a personality disorder even if that's what the "professionals" are trying to say I have. I know to be diagnosed with the PD they think I have you need to meet 5/9 of the criteria on the diagnostic test. I only meet 3. But then I meet 3 on others so does that mean I have those also? I really hate the term PD. While I accept there are people with quite obvious PD's I am not one of them. I have worked with PD patients and I am not like that. I feel annoyed that they try to diagnose that as it's a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis and they like to pathologise you. Part of me wants to go to this appointment on Monday ready to argue my case about not having PD with my argument all ready and prepared. I have already got defensive about it so I don't actually see what they can do for me. It makes me really angry about things and because of the nature of the diagnoses there is I don't think that people will listen to me.

My thoughts are just racing and racing tonight which is why I thought I would get some stuff written down to see if it would help calm me down. It hasn't. I get it sometimes where things go through my head at a million miles an hour, i can't concentrate on anything and can't relax. I feel as though all my senses are on overdrive and are super alert to everything going on around me. Everything just seems as though it's really sped up. Does anyone else get what I mean, is it normal as part of depression?

This isn't really working for me!

Monday, 15 November 2010

Random Blabberings of a Crazy Fool!

Don't know why I feel like blogging but I do. I came home early from uni as can't face it today. I am so tired. Can't concentrate on it. Not missed anything important anyway. So this afternoon I plan on napping and then doing some work this afternoon.

So. I was thinking. Maybe I do have a bad relationship with alcohol. The nurse at the hospital I'll call him Mike keeps saying it to me and possibly I am avoiding it. I was thinking about it and the thing is I don't want to give up drinking. I enjoy drinking. What does that mean? I use it in a bad way at times though and that is what needs to be addressed. I never crave drink, yet it has got me in to trouble on occasions. Like ending up in hospital as of it; sometimes drinking so much that I am unconscious. That is not normal. I know that. So, as much as pains me to do it I have gone and approached an organisation (not alcoholics anonymous) that makes an assessment of you and your drinking habits and if they find it to be a problem will go through things with you. Last time I went to them I was drinking a lot more and could see that it was a problem. I think this time it is because I am not drinking as much I don't see it to be a problem. But it obviously is! Last time I went there they said I was dependant on alcohol and was close to becoming an alcoholic with the amounts I was drinking. Drinking gives me confidence which I don't usually have. I think that's why I am quite reluctant to go. I mean I am quite outspoken anyway, but only if I am not standing up in front of other people and doing it. In clubs I wont dance etc unless I have been drinking. Also I hate being around drunk people if I have not had a drink myself. The problems I have here is that most of my social life revolves around going out with friends to pubs and clubs so the drinking is inevitable.

I suppose what I need to do really is find other ways to get self confidence. I think the first one would be to lose some weight. The thing is when I am depressed as I am now it is a viscous circle and I eat crap for comfort. Then because I have no confidence I also drink. Grrrr....not really a way out that I can see there.

I don't want to carry on feeling like this. I hate feeling as though I am constantly carrying around a head full of issues and problems. It's even got to the stage now where I don't want to live like this and have considered suicide. Although, what stops me here is I know that this is a permanent solution to a possible temporary problem. Well it may not feel like it but there must be something that I can do, something I can do with the right support. In other words it's fixable. It's not something that has to stay with me for the rest of my life. Another thing is I feel like such a hypocrite if I do go and kill my self (OK I know that doesn't quite sound right but bare with me here). What I mean is, for the past 2 years of working in mental health I have worked with suicidal people and talked to them about it and offered them support. Talking them round, saying to them that although doesn't seem like it at the moment things can and will get better but it will take some hard work etc etc. So if I go and do something stupid like that it's basically telling them (although they would never know) don't listen to me as what I say is a load of crap! Yet, why do I keep having the feelings of being suicidal, thinking of ways in which I could do so to make it look like an accident? The mind is a strange and scary place isn't it?

So, basically my family now knows I am suffering with depression and also have self harmed. They don't know the extent of the SH just that it has happened a couple of times (I think it's on a weekly basis pretty much at the moment but they don't know that) and that I am struggling. They are worried that Friday night was a suicide attempt as if no one would have found me I would have died. But not just that they think that because I cut deep enough to require stitches that in itself is an attempt at suicide. I didn't want to tell them that cutting your self is not the way to do it and wouldn't be my method of choice but thought that would worry them more. So I just laughed at them, said it wasn't and left it at that.

Anyway, on to a lighter note. X-Factor!!!!!

Who are these people. They are useless. I only really like Matt Cardle, he's cute and he can sing and he has something about him that airs a vulnerability. Wagner, well he is just this years Jedward. You either love him or you hate him. He can't sing for shit but I suppose it's slapstick entertainment. You (I say you but I don't know if anyone actually reads this or if they do it will have got this far) may hate me for saying this but I really don't like Rebbecca F. I don't like her voice and all the songs she sings sound the same as her voice is so unique. Would you really want to listen to a whole album of it? I have also seen on Facebook that there is a group along the lines of "getting rid of chlamidhya is easier than getting rid of Katie Waissel". Now with her, I don't actually know why I don't like her but there is something about her I just don't like. I don't know how many times she has been in the bottom 2 now but doesn't this indicate to the judges that the public don't like her and she would not do well as an artist as she just isn't getting the votes. Why keep her in. And I must admit although I am 26 I kind of had a small crush on Aiden. He was gorgeous!

I am not one of these who votes and this is only the 3rd season I have watched X-Factor. And usually I have to point out I don't watch reality TV as can't usually stand it, but I suppose like Robbie Williams being my music guilty pleasure this is my TV one.

Speaking of Robbie Williams...how good is Take That now he is back in it. I loved them when I was about 9 but actually Mark was my favourite and wasn't that keen on Robbie. I was quite sad when they split but not suicidal like some were. I started to like Robbie when I was about 13 and sort of fell in love with him. Between 13-16 my bedroom was a shrine to him and I have all his albums. I was watching X-Factor last night with them on and they all work together so well and really seem to enjoy what they do on stage. It was brilliant watching them perform all together again. I wish now that I had tickets for the tour. It's weird how as you get older your tastes change. As I said Mark used to be my favourite when I was young. But watching them last night I realised he wasn't that nice. Howard and Jason were scrummy and of course Robbie, you are still my favourite!

I have brought my first CD album in ages (usually I just download from Limewire - I know illegal but music is so expensive but I have now stopped as don't know where I can get it from as Limewire under court order now), this being Take That's new album Progress. Can't wait to get it through the post! YAY!!!!

Saturday, 13 November 2010

Don't Know What To Do.

I don't know what to say. I am going to have a go at writing down how I am feeling so I can try and make some sense of it. Things have got a whole lot worse. Basically about a week ago I inserted a needle in to my arm while I was self harming. I knew I needed to get it out so came up with a plan so that I could inform my parents about it and make it look like it was some accident. I told my mum I felt like I had been stinged by something and when went to look there was something tiny and metal sticking out of it and in my attempt to get it out I pushed it in. So doing this on Thursday I did say it to my mum and she got quite nasty about it. I ran out of the house with a razor and went off somewhere to go self harm.

My mum followed me and I ran off from her. I went to my quiet place where I have been before to SI at night and cut my leg. I didn't realise my mum was out looking for me. I fell asleep and came round in resus in hospital. From what I have been told someone called an ambulance and my mum saw the ambulance and found out it was me inside. Obs she saw the blood and the people told her what I had done. My parents came down to the hospital where apparently the staff told them was not the first time I had been in from self harming. So now they know. They don't know the extent of it, but they know it's current and that there are problems. They are proper freaking as they don't understand SI. They also said it's a miracle I am alive as I would have died of hypothermia had someone not have seen me. I wish I had. I can't deal with them knowing about this.

I refused to see my parents when I came round and I was kept in over night. The next morning the Doc saw me and I told him about my arm. He had a look at it and said couldn't see anything, no punture marks etc and if was still hurting me to go to my GP and they would send me for x-ray, so no further on that one! I feel like I should just leave it. I have mentioned to him that there is something in there as when I tried to get it out it pushed it in. He had a very couldn't care less attitude. So I can't either. The pain makes me feel more also. It's a way of constant being able to SI without anyone knowing.

So, when I got home I got dressed and went straight out. Spent the day at uni. I called the nurse at the hospital who I have seen before and he was horrible. Just basically said there is nothing I can do. I needed re-assurance. I told him what had happened the night before and he was quite off with me. So I won't be calling him again. He just said I am in control and I control what happens. I said I felt as though I was losing control and needed help. I said I was worried about the suicidal feelings and he said he was glad I was worried as meant I was aware of them and could do more to control it. He said I wasn't under him as a patient so there was nothing he could do and wouldn't really be worth him seeing me again as there was nothing he could do.

So get back from uni and I am summoned in to the dining room by my Dad. He said I needed to get help and that it was selfish etc. That I should consider other people and did I know how much hurt I had caused? Also got phone call from my brother telling me to go round to his house today to talk to him. He said it was obs I was depressed and needed to see someone. I thinks I should go to counselling or something. I didn't tell him much about the self harming as I really don't like talking about it with people I know. It's my thing. It stays in my head. I don't do talking about feelings and why etc. He just kept saying if no one had found me I would have been dead and how someone found me where I was is a miracle and he said it looked like a suicide attempt.

I really can't deal with people knowing about this. I am pissed off with the hospital for them mentioning about previous self harm. I am not a child (26), what right do they have divulging my personal medical history. I know some of you will thinks it's good that family now know. It's not. It's the worst thing possible. I know I am going to get lectured by them and they don't understand. They will get nasty saying I am just attention seeking. So now I am feeling the worst I have done yet in this episode. I want to self harm more and I would say I actually do feel suicidal now. I really don't know what to do with myself. I am feeling so low and so anxious.