Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Good Riddance To 2013

I am so glad to see the back of this year.

I wrote a post just before the turn of 2011 saying how I was going to be more positive etc, then just before 2012 as an inpatient on a PICU, last year, I was also in a bad place. This year has proven to be very difficult. One of the hardest yet, which is why I am glad to see the back of.

I need to write more about this. But, I don't have the time at the moment.

But for this year, this is it. Have a good night everyone. Don't drink too much and here is to a better 2014!

Saturday, 21 December 2013

Stigma And Discrimination

Not a long post, but I just want to write about something that quite annoyed me today. But, me being me, and me being ashamed of the way I am didn't challenge what someone else had to say.

I was in the hairdressers earlier and I was talking about the neighbour that I had a lot of problems with and who, the police had been out to numerous times etc etc etc. I had said how I had had paramedics at my door late at night thinking that they could gain access to his from mine. She said a long the lines of that they had regularly had them coming in to the hair dressers and also the police as they thought they could gain access from there also. So, then she started going on about how it was because he would call up saying he had tried to kill himself by taking ODs etc etc etc. How he was a crazy person who just wasn't right in the head and she felt that if he was going to kill himself, why didn't he just go off somewhere and do it properly, not bring everyone else in to it and he was being selfish, he was attention seeking and that that was his problem and there was nothing wrong with him other than he was just attention seeking.

It did make me a little angry. Obviously, I have had a lot of issues with this guy and wanted him out the flat below me as of the problems he had caused me. Mental health problems or not, when he starts trashing his place at 2am in the morning and threatens to kill my other neighbours, threatens me, causes criminal damage to near by property, it's not someone you really want to be sharing a building with is it? Not when you are prone to anxiety yourself and when sleep is a big indicator of when things can start to spiral for you. But, the way she was talking about him made me angry. I don't have any time for this guy, but at the same time, I don't want to see him having the wrong opinion formed about him because he has mental health issues. This guy, obviously has alcohol problems. But why? Why does he drink so much? Is it to forget, to numb? What has gone on in his life which lead him to drink too much? We don't know do we?

There are always going to be these people that make these assumptions about others. People who make assumptions that because someone self harms, makes an attempt at their life that they are just doing it for attention. People are so ill informed about mental health and that bothers me. But, what also bothers me is that I won't use my own experiences publicly to challenge this.

I am not really sure how much of that makes sense. I don't know if I have got across what I have meant to get across there. I have had a bit to drink tonight, I'm not drunk, but, I have had a drink, so I may possibly come back to this.

I also need to write about my session with G on Thursday.

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

Arguing With Myself.

A few times over the last couple of weeks I have had internal arguments with myself. All to do with cutting.

I get a massive urge and I picture cutting and imagine the feelings that will come if I do. And I decide that when I get home I am going to cut.

Then the arguments start.

I tell myself that it doesn't matter, no one needs to know, I will go over an old scar so that it doesn't make a new scar, if I do it on my calf it won't affect my mobility and I will be able to continue to go to the gym. It won't be painful to walk on. And I don't need to tell anyone. No one needs to know.

Then, another voice pops up saying if you cut tonight you will have to go to the local hospital. You will have to wait hours, you will possibly be treated like crap, it could start a spiral and ending up with the self harm being worse than cutting. The swallowing would start, as that is more of a punishment, it could possibly lead to life endangering behaviours. I could end up back at the beginning.

Then, I tell myself that that's ok, it will just be one cut, it won't matter. I will wait until the next day and lie about when I cut and go to the local walk in centre as they do stitches there.

But then I get, well, it will get infected, you may end up having to take a course of antibiotics which you hate taking and can make you ill. You will get the cutting guilt and feel terrible the next day. You will get blood all over your covers as it won't be closed so even if covered, it is still likely to leak.

In the end, I decided not to. Last night I had had a drink and I wasn't going to let the drink be a factor in it. If I am going to cut, it will be a sober decision. Not an impulsive drunken one.

So, I managed it that way. Although writing about it has started off the internal argument all over again and the urge is quite strong.

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

It's Nearly Christmas :-(

I don't like Christmas. I haven't since I was a kid. But anyway....

Saw G last Friday. I mainly talked about this guy that I had been seeing (well still am), and how I didn't really know what to do. I told G most things about him, but did leave out some of the more intimate things out. And I will on here as well!

But anyway, I was telling him about how weird he is and how I am scared that he may be controlling and how that worries me. It's little things like how he will read a message over my shoulder as I am texting friends, and he will comment on what they've said or what I've said. OK, so it was in his eye line, but to make it obvious you are reading it, I find that weird. But the the other day, he actually moved himself so he could read what was on my phone. I don't like that at all! Another thing was I had some paperwork in a folder that was on the arm of one sofa. I came back in the room and the folder was open on the other sofa.

He doesn't have any idea what personal space is and he stands on top of me all the time making me feel uncomfortable. I have also found myself getting very irritated by him. The other day, I wasn't very well at all. I have had a really bad cold and cough, so I haven't been sleeping and been feeling pretty horrible. He came round on Sunday and I cooked a big Sunday dinner. 2 joints and all the trimmings. It took me about 4 hours to do everything. So he came round, ate it. Said it was nice. And didn't make any effort to help me clean up or wash up. So I started moaning about how ill I was feeling and banging around in a bit of a huff and to make it obvious I was struggling. I had just about finished, all I had to do was wipe down the surfaces, and he then pipes up and said if I want, he can help me. In my mind he should have said before I started "I'll do that, you cooked, you sit down while I wash up". Of course I'm not going to say actually yes, I do want you to. He should have taken control, or even at least offered after we had had dinner not just as I was finishing off. If someone had taken the effort to cook me dinner, even if it was just pasta, I would make sure I helped clean up after. I wouldn't take no for an answer. I know it's quite small. But, he strikes me as quite lazy and expects to be waited on. And the way he eats. It's so bloody delicate. It drives me mad. He needs to man up! He holds the knife and fork the wrong way and it's like he is using chop sticks to cut up his food. I think perhaps I am being irritated by very small things because I don't like him that much anymore.

Then there's the big thing. He doesn't have any contact with his family. He says it's because they treated him badly when he was suffering with anxiety. But, from what he said some of the things they did, they really don't sound that bad. Not so much that you would not have any contact with them and then go and change your name through deed poll. And not just changing his name, but to that of a well known author, an author who was very controversial and whose books, one in particular had some sort of cult following and copies of it were found on a person when they were arrested after assassinations of some quite famous people!

I feel like there is something he is hiding from me. Something he is not being honest about that is quite big. So much so, I have contacted the police and requested information about him under this Clare's Law. So that basically if there is anything in his history that could possibly cause harm to my family or myself, such as domestic violence, they can tell me.

So, if I am honest. I am pretty scared. My friends have got it in my head that something is seriously wrong. They have said that I shouldn't tell him face to face that it's over as they are worried about me. And now so am I.

I was telling G about some of the things that bothered me. This was before I had fully made up my mind and was more just the little mannerisms that annoyed me. And I said to him how I felt that there could be something he was not saying. G said he wasn't going to tell me what to do, as he couldn't do that. But what he did say was that he was a massive believer in gut instinct and I should follow that. So basically, he was telling me I shouldn't go there.

So now, I have to find a way in telling him I don't want a relationship with him anymore. But, I have to do it in a way that won't upset him, as I don't want to upset him as there is the worry he could hurt me.

Also, because of where I met him. If I want to continue to go there I don't want it to be awkward. I want to continue to be able to go there as I really enjoy it and it's helped me no end in combating this whole low mood etc. So, I don't want to stop with that.

I don't think, I want to stop this relationship as I am scared you'll murder me will really work. But what would?

I can't really remember what G and I talked about in our session. We did talk about this guy quite a bit. And what it meant to me having someone who has seen my scars. That has been a big thing for me. Hence why I hadn't been with anyone in 3 years. That there was also the part of me that wanted to hold on to what I had with him as he had accepted me for who I was. Well, who I am! While the sex with him is pretty good, I can't help but think I am getting to that age where I want to meet someone I can have children with. Someone who will be a good father, and someone I don't mind being in my life, for the rest of my life. He is definitely not that person.

I've been having quite a few urges recently. Both harm and suicidal. Perhaps it is because of how I am feeling about this situation and there is all that uncertainty, also because I have been ill the last week, I have not been able to go to the gym and hammer it.

I have also been having feelings of being quite worthless and that I mean nothing. Again, this is probably because I have been physically ill and I haven't been able to get out and about like I usually would. I haven't had the energy and I have spent the last few days at home, only going out for short periods, where as usually I am out most the day. I hope it's that anyway.

Going to monitor it and see how things go. But I am worried it is the start of a downward spiral again.

It's my last ever appointment with my CPN tomorrow. She is moving me off her service and I am being moved over to a different one. I have had her since 2011, so coming up to 3 years. It's only been the last few months that I have felt that I have been able to trust her and be open with her. So feeling a bit off about that. I feel as though I am finally getting somewhere with someone and then I stop seeing them. For so long I didn't like her, where as now I do. But, I suppose that probably shows recovery doesn't it? It shows that I am moving forward.

The schema therapy is helping too. It's making me more aware of my thought processes and how all the things I think and do are related to these schemas, also known as life traps. He did talk about me writing a letter to my parents about how I feel about the things that happened when I was brought up. I have thought about this and am not sure. I can't help but feel it's me being over sensitive. That, it's just the way I have reacted to it. That it's some flaw within me that has caused me to be the way I am. I have said this and G has said that this is my defectiveness schema/life trap being activated. But, I mean, it really wasn't that bad my upbringing. I am sure other people have had it a hell of a lot worse and they haven't come out of it the way I have. So it is me isn't it? It must be a flaw within me. Yes, it may be my defectiveness schema/life trap coming in. But this isn't a belief that it is a flaw. It quite obviously is isn't it?

Perhaps this is something I need to work on more with him. I can't help believing what I believe. But this isn't a belief. A belief would be me thinking I am useless, I have nothing good about me, I fail at everything I do. And while, yes, I do get these at times, I can see that they are just beliefs and I have facts to back up that they are not true. For instance, I have a lot of friends who like to spend time with me, people ask my opinion on things, I achieved a degree. But this. This is fact!

Saturday, 7 December 2013


I feel so ill. Physically. Poor me :-(

But I am dragging myself out tonight as I have been looking forward to tonight since the beginning of August. If I have to crawl there I am going. Just supping on some Brandy now to get warm and that nice fuzzy feeling.

Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Emotional Deprivation.

That's what came out of the psychology session last Friday.

He basically came out with that as a child, he didn't think my emotional needs were met, which is one of the main reasons why I have the problems that I do now. I was quite shocked and he really hit a nerve with me. As he was saying it, he stopped and asked if I was ok? Then he said he could see I wasn't and that he wasn't sure whether or not to carry on with where he was going as he was aware I was doing well at the moment and didn't want to bring me down. I said to him, while it was hard hearing it and I was struggling with it, I would rather do the hard stuff now and get it out the way now when I can better deal with it. I am more likely to come home, process it and not do anything with it than when I am low. If I am low I get a "what's the point" attitude and cause harm to myself. But, it was a really hard session and I was feeling a bit shit after.

So I saw R Friday night and he kept me awake all night with his snoring and his moving around in his sleep was causing me to do things in my half sleep. So, by the time Saturday morning rolls around I am very irritated and don't want him any where near me at all. All night he has been snoring and wanting to have his arms round me. I was really irritated by him and didn't want him anywhere near me. So I faked ill. I really played the dying girl act, I wanted him to go home and give me some time to myself. We were supposed to be spending the day together but everything just pissed me off.

I've got a few concerns about the whole relationship with him. A few worries. There's a few early signs that are bothering me. So much so I am going to contact the police and talk to them about this Clare's Law. I don't know if it's because my Mum planted the seed and I have told my friend this and then every thing I look for there is something. But surly, it's better to be safe than sorry?

I am worried about him as well. I don't want to hurt him. I have said to my friend I am going to give it a few weeks and see where things lie then. I am aware that he hasn't got anyone else so I don't want to end it with him before Xmas, and it's his birthday in January, so if I still have all my doubts I will end it then. But there is a niggling doubt at the back of my mind that some things aren't right and I am not getting the whole truth.

I'm just going to see how things pan out with it. I am worried that it's me who is being more accepting of it and blind to it because he seems to accept me for who I am. He knows about the scars and what caused them. And because of that there is some underlying fear that I won't get anyone else and because he is accepting, to hold on to it. I don't think it's a conscious thought, but part of me is worried it's an unconscious thing. But also another unconscious thing could be that I am trying to pick fault with everything and am picking it a part. It scares me because I don't know my own mind. I don't understand myself and what's going on. I used to be so self assured, but I am not anymore. I don't know myself anymore. And that is scary!