Please Just Go.

So, update....and some general ramblings...

Still pretty much the same. Yes, I did harm again. Not as bad as last time but still pretty bad. I have taken to removing my own stitches as I don't want to be questionned by the nurse at the GP practice about it and I don't want to have to explain which ones stay and which ones go.

I wish I knew why I was feeling like I am. To me I have no reason to be feeling like this. No reason why I should be feeling low and wanting to self harm. In the past I have known why I have been feeling low; what factors contributed to it. But they aren't there anymore. It is diving me mad. I am trying so hard each day to not SH. I try not to look at my legs as the scars and healing wounds are just reminders of how good it feels. In one of my first posts on here I tried to explain what it was that I got from it.

So, on to other matters. I don't want to constantly being going on about the SH. It has been in the news over the last couple of days how 2 small boys were spotted in an area in my city roaming the streets at 12.30am and then again at 5.30am. The police were sent out on a massive search for them and was all over the local press. It turns out the boys were identified as being 5 and 6. They were found safe and well and was that they decided to go out on their own in the middle of the night. Now, to me, it seems ludicrus that the mother did not know where her children were or did not hear them. To go out, come back and go out again and then come back again without her noticing is rather worrying. Why, at that age the boys went out also. I know at that age I was scared of my own shadow. I think something is going on there. There is no way children of that age would decide to just go for a walk twice at that time of night if they were not trying to escape from something. I do hope a Social Services referal has been placed and she will be looked in to as something is clearly amis in this household. Also, I am going to be very prejudiced here, but, the area of my city that this was in is not a good area at all and she is probably some benefit claming chav who was pissed out her head and that is why she didn't hear them! Anyway, rant over on that one.

I get a lie in tomorrow...yay! But, no doubt I will be up at the crack of dawn as usual as I am so cold. I feel as a woman it is my right to always be cold. Now winter is really kicking in, i am entitled to this even more so. But, it does drive me mad how I am waking up in the morning so cold that I am shivering. I have moaned at my parents about putting the heating on a timer and they say they are not cold so they wont. Well, they wont be with their electric blanket and what ever else they have in their room keeping them warm. I am really not a fan of this colder weather.

On another note... I brought some GHD's the other day. Got them delievered. To be honest...can't see the hype about them. Wish I hadn't spent so much on them now. They are good but I wouldn't say they are £100 worth of good.

So, that's about it really. My week has been pretty uneventful. I am managing to get by. Trying to keep focused with uni work and keep my head together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't!

Long Exhale of Breath!

So I am still feeling really down. I don't really know what to do about it.
I have had a manic day where I have not got done what I have needed to get done. I got all messed up as thought I was supposed to be doing something in the afternoon and it was in the morning that i needed to do it so I get a phone call asking where I am so I have a manic rush across town to try and get to the place on time.

Then when I get back I am trying to do uni work, trying to get contracts sorted out and trying to watch my nephew who at the age of 18months is in to EVERYTHING! And having tantrums when you say no. So no uni work got done. I had to go to Doctors this afternoon. I needed stitches taking out and also I needed to see him about my other cut. It's quite infected. So I am on antibiotics for that. It's a massive cut. So I am worried that the infection could get quite bad. Last time I had a wound infection was from when I fell over and cut my knee open...I wound up really ill with the infection and in hospital on IV antibiotics. Also, if the infection doesn't clear up by the weekend I will probably have to have the stitches taken out and it was massive. It would never look right again. My thigh would be all out of shape as of it. I was told by the GP if still red by the weekend need to go see emergency doc. How the hell do I explain having to go in to hospital if I have to again. None of my family know about the self harm. I live at home so it's not as though I can make excuses for not seeing them. I don't know what I am going to do.

Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me. And the stupid thing about this. I still really want to cut!