Friday, 28 February 2014

Friday 28th February.

It's nearly March. Yay. That means it's nearly spring. The clocks go forward, the nights get lighter, it gets warmer. Soon there will be leaves on the trees, bulbs shooting out the ground. I love spring.

Anyway. I just felt as though I needed to write. I needed some distraction. I need something. I am not sure what.

I had a bad day yesterday with the binging and purging. Probably consumed around 5000KCAL all day. Breakfast which was my only normal meal was brown toast, egg whites and mushrooms. Then, lunch was a bar of galaxy chocolate and the best part of a Ben and Jerry's tub of ice cream. I purged what I could of that. Then late last night I ordered take out. Chicken and chips. Wolfed it down, then went and purged. Although, not sure how much I got rid of. I am finding it harder to get it all up and am losing my gag reflex.

Not sure if I should just cut. That is what I want to do. It may stop the B/P cycle.

I know it's all about control at the moment. It is related to my MH. If that wasn't bad, I wouldn't feel the need to control this. But at the moment, I have a bit of an obsession with getting my BMI down to 18.5. It's currently at around 29.5. I have about 30kg to lose to get there. So it will take a lot of hard work. I want to be the thin one of my friends. Not the fat one. I am not the fat one anymore. But, I am not average either. Still on the larger side. I know I will never look good in a swimming costume etc as of my scars. But, I can look good fully clothed.

I kind of want to go to the gym today. But I kind of don't either. The guy I have a bit of a crush on asked me if I was ok yesterday. He noticed that something was wrong. I just said I was tired and hadn't slept the night before. He then asked me about rest days etc and I said usually at the weekend. He asked if that was all. He will be there working at the gym I want to go to today. I don't want him picking up on anything. I don't really want to see him. If I don't go I can have a fast day. And after yesterday, I think I need one. I am not sure I got rid of it all so need to un do my work. But, if I do go, that may just be as good. But, I also have to go to the effort of getting ready to go out. Not staying in my PJs all day. Not putting any make-up on.

Someone from HTT came round last night to drop off some meds. They have given me a weeks worth of zopiclone and also increased the dose of my Lamotrigine. I slept Wednesday night ok without anything and I also slept last night. Yet I still feel like this. Sleep isn't actually making any difference.

At the moment all I want to do is spend time on the internet looking at thinspo stuff, looking at best things to purge, looking at how to kill myself. Thinking how and when. How to tie myself up. How to make sure it works etc etc etc.

I should be in hospital. I know I should. But I am hanging on. I am fighting. I don't want anyone knowing I am in, so I have to wait until Monday. And, things may change by then anyway. I may not need to go in. But, in a weird twisted way. I hope that I do.

If I do, I don't have to eat. Because I won't be able to go to the gym, I can actually fast. And because no one in my team knows what I do with food etc and how it is used as a control thing, they won't get what I am doing. They will just think it's because I don't like the food there. The last couple of times I have been in I have not eaten and it's not been picked up on. It also means I can let go. I can let the feelings and urges just take over. I won't have to fight them. I know hospital isn't for that. But, I am in a safer place if I do. I am not 100% sure that I want to end my life. But the urges to do so are over whelming. I fight them all the time. If I am in that safe place, if I do do something, or try something, I will be stopped. This requires less energy. I can just give in until it all passes. Does this make sense?

I am not sure, if these are the reasons I should be using and why I see hospital as a positive. But, I need some release from all of this.

I need some escape. But is it wrong that I also want to use it as a place I can safely self harm?

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Visit From HTT

"I need some respite from it all".

"Well come in to hospital then".

"No, I can't".

"Well, we'll speak to your as useful as a chocolate tea pot doctor tomorrow and see what he suggests. We'll get you some sleeping pills, but if you feel as though you are not in control and it's spiralling, you have been SH, you can't make any guarantees blah blah blah, you are not leaving us with much choice. You have a history etc etc etc. We know it's very intense for you etc etc etc. Will you call if you need anything".

"Possibly, but not after 9pm. I'm never doing that again".

"Well, for now, we will get you some sleeping pills, get through the next few days, keep in contact with you".

"Fine, I want to try and manage at home, but I will reevaluate things at the weekend, if I am still in a bad way and feel like this then I will come in".

"Ok, great, that's a plan then".

That was pretty much a shortened version of it. I explained to them how I was feeling. How I felt about the whole services thing and being open to them. They said that well obviously there is something in you that wants to fight as you wouldn't be seeing us. I reminded him of the time that when I said I didn't want their input and he called the police. How he was there at the MHA assessment when I was sectioned when I said I didn't want input any more. So, in them being there. I didn't have a choice as that is what happens. He said well, yes, that is what will happen. So basically, I don't have any choice then do I?

I don't find them that useful. They are the home treatment team and were trying to talk me in to going in. I was thinking, no, you do your jobs, you are HOME treatment team.

I said that being in would help me at the moment. But I wasn't willing to at the moment. I needed to try and fight it. But, if things are still the same in a few days I would reconsider.

And that is it really.

I know things are not good for me at the moment. What normal person spends hours on the internet researching methods. Researching how many of the particular pill you have is a fatal amount. Who, to get some sense of control works out hard, but hardly eats anything. That in some ways sees hospital as a way of controlling even more because I won't be able to work out, and so that means I don't have to eat anything at all.

It's all pretty fucked up at the moment. Isn't it?

Tuesday, 25 February 2014

Called For Help

I was sat there incredibly anxious earlier. Thinking to myself that if, I don't feel better by a certain time after doing a certain thing then I could SH or do something else. It has been my method of getting through for a while. Usually it works. But, last night when I went to the gym it made me feel worse. I had a flood of emotions, and I was worried that the same thing would happen tonight. It seems as though while I am hammering it out, I am ok, I have some focus. But then all of a sudden those levels drop. I feel worse than I did before. Worrying that that was going to happen I called the duty worker.

The first thing I said to her was I don't want to go in to hospital. She asked me what else had helped in the past. I said I had tried all my usual distraction techniques, my relaxation methods, and I was calling as a last resort. She tried to reason with me about hospital. She said I had found it useful last time so why not try it for a few days. It doesn't have to be for long etc. But I am scared. I am scared it would be for longer. I am scared that what happened in 2011, would happen again. The way in which I feel, that if I went in, I would feel like I have failed, and thus in turn actually making me worse and lose what control I have.

Although, you may say that I hardly have any control over things at the moment. I don't really do I? I suppose it's perceived control. But, it is disordered isn't it? I mean, I am controlling what I eat. I am only eating enough so that I don't pass out at the gym. Mainly fruit and veg. My aim is to burn more than I eat each day. Today for instance I have eaten 6 weight watchers points worth of food. But, I have earned 17 in exercise. I am controlling my weight loss. I want to be thin. If I eat too much, then I purge. Or, I will binge and then purge. It obviously works, I lost 4lb last week. I need to make sure I eat enough so that I don't get malnourished again. Or that I end up passing out in the gym (that would be mortifying), or that I go in to starvation mode. I think what I am doing is ok.

The disordered thinking I have been having worries me. I am also getting paranoid. I was paranoid when I got back that someone had been in my flat as there were no lights on what so ever. I am positive I left some on. I had to put them on this morning as it was dark when I got up. I have no recollection of turning them off at any point during the day. And I hate coming back to a dark flat. So, I would have made sure that they would have been on. Also noticed that my docking station had moved from where I left it. It was knocked over. It makes me paranoid as no one has a spare key. So who could have been in? It makes me anxious, it makes me paranoid. It has my mind going round in stupid scenarios and feeling crap. So, I ended up harming by swallowing again. Not sure why. In the past swallowing has usually been to do with self punishment. Maybe, it's because I don't care at the moment. That it would be accidental in a way if anything happened wouldn't it? I suppose that is better than a planned death isn't it? I am having massive urges of hanging myself, of tying myself up. Not sure why really. That is something I usually do when I have no other methods available to me. Something that usually happens when I am in hospital and I can't cope. Deaths do occur in psychiatric patients in hospital, ok, not many, but the way I see it when I am in that kind of mess is that there is a chance. So, I will try. But, that thought is in my head at the moment. Quite intense. And again, if it did work, it would probably be seen as accidental, SH that has gone wrong.

I suppose my thinking is pretty fucked up at the moment. One good thing though is I can see it is. And I suppose being aware of that, means it's not possibly as bad as it could be right?

So anyway, HTT are coming round tomorrow at 6pm. Hopefully, they won't try and force hospital on to me. I was a bit worried the way in which G was talking on Monday. It was something a long the lines of that I need to take control and not see it as failure as someone else may end up taking the control and then I would feel even worse. I am worried that in me calling for help, I could have shot myself in the foot. That if they say I need to be in hospital and I say no, that they will try and force it on me. I was sectioned before when I didn't have active plans. They said that I had been in that position before in that I didn't have a plan, but did something and then ended up really ill. I suppose my history isn't good is it?

Maybe I will call them and tell them I am feeling ok and I don't need to see them? I am paranoid that they are going to section me. I know the guys coming tomorrow can't. But, they can put things in to motion to arrange a MHA assessment so that I could be. And to be honest, I am not sure I could pass one of those at the moment. From what I have already said they would question me on that. I can't make guarantees that I can keep myself safe. It's pretty obvious I can't. Not when I have been self harming. They know that if I cut, it ends up with me going to hospital. So, they know it's not that, they may also ask to check the wounds if I say it is to make sure I am not putting myself in more risk by not getting them cared for. They know I have been harming, but I have refused to say what. So, they will probably deduce that it is something more serious and that I am not telling them because I know they will make me go to hospital if they knew what I was doing.

They're going to section me aren't they?

I'm Scared

I am scared of what is happening to me. What is going through my mind. I think I possibly could do with some time in hospital, some respite, someone to look after me. But I am scared of this as well. I am scared that it wouldn't just be a few days, it would be months again. I am scared I will end up on a section, I am scared I will lose what little control I have.

But, I am scared of what is happening to me now. I am restricting what I eat again. I am eating something, fruit and as little as I possibly can so that I can go to the gym still. I have an obsession with being skinny. I am a long way off. My BMI is at 29 now. So I have a long way to go to skinny. I have joined pro ED forums and have got tips from them. I have been purging when I do eat normal food. I have stopped cooking for myself. I can't see the point. Not if I am going to go and throw it all back up. I can't be bothered either. I feel like I don't deserve it. It's a form of control for me. It's a way of having some control with what is going on in my head. I can't control what goes through my head, but I can control what goes in my body. I need to go to the gym. I do get some release when I do that. Well, usually. Yesterday, I got all emotional. No one saw. But, rather than feeling escape, after I felt overwhelmed with emotions.

I am scared of the thoughts I have going through my head. The thinking of what I have to live for. I am scared of the future if it holds anything for me. The thoughts of harming myself in worse ways than I already am doing, of ending everything. I was told what made me so ill in March last year when I nearly died. What nearly killed me. I have enough to do it now.

I want to accept help, but I am scared. I don't want to be in hospital for months. I am scared of letting people down. I don't want people knowing where I am.

I am scared I can't fight this.

Monday, 24 February 2014

What Have You Got To Live For?

That was the question G asked me today in Psychology session. I was stumped. And it made me feel worse. It really shocked me that I couldn't think of anything. I felt lost.

I made him anxious. He said so. He said he was concerned. He tried to talk me in to admission. I said no. The main reason. My Mum. Because, with the way she has been towards me recently when she has had a drink, I am afraid it would make it worse. She would make it seem as though I am being selfish. She would make it seem as though I was doing it for attention.

I said to G that I wouldn't go in as I see it as giving up. He said that isn't the case. I said for me it was. I need to carry on fighting. I don't want people knowing. I did say I thought I probably do need to be in, and last time it helped. But I am not going in now. I am scared too. Even though the last 4 admissions have been voluntary, I can't help but remember the time I went in voluntary, ended up sectioned the next day and was in PICU for 8 months. On high observations. In an awful place. I can't risk that. So, I will carry on fighting.

He said he could see history repeating. He could see the same patterns emerging. But, I still am getting some joy. I am going to the gym. I do enjoy that, and spin classes. I can lose myself in it. If only for an hour. I lose myself. It's a distraction. I don't think he believed me when I said it was something I enjoyed.

He asked me about self harm. I didn't tell him what, but I said I had been.

I'm worried now. I think he thinks I should be in hospital. I can't be. I don't want to be. I am worried he will do something. I am worried he is going to take it further. I am half expecting a phone call from someone in the team asking me to go in and speak to them. But, at the same time. I don't think he would. I don't think so anyway. I hope not.

I told him how I felt like a burden on my friends. That I hadn't seen them in a while as there were a couple I was pissed off with and one is away and the other is going away this week. So, I haven't seen anyone. And now I haven't got access to a car it will be harder to. One of my friend's is kind of getting it all from me at the moment. I need to rein it in a bit. I can't let myself be a burden to her.

I managed to restrain myself from crying. He noticed again. What is his obsession with me crying? I don't do crying in front of people. And, I had make-up on and I have seen myself in the mirror after I have been crying. Not a pretty sight. And, I don't like people seeing me lose control. So, I do all I can to avoid crying in front of other people.

So, I am feeling awful. I have gym and spin to look forward to tonight. That will give me some escape time. But, then I have another 24 hours to get through before being able to go again. There is only so much time you can spend there. It is my escape at the moment. I need to make sure I go. I need to control stuff. I need to lose myself in something. That works for me at the moment.

I am not sure how much longer I can keep fighting though.

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Emotional Wreck.

I have pretty much spent the last 2 days in tears.

The things that are going off in my life at the moment have kind of reared their ugly head. Things have become too much for me to handle. I have probably over reacted to a couple of things. But, keeping in what I have felt and avoided for the past I don't know how long has kind of come out in these couple of incidents.

I am pissed off. I am hurt. I am upset. I am sick of being considerate to other people and other people's feelings when mine are not considered in return. I am sick of people taking the piss. I am sick of people.

All of this has lead to more feelings of wanting to self harm. Of wanting to OD. Of wishing I was dead. I am sick of feeling like this. It happens too often. I have these feelings all too often. I am sick of the people in my life letting me down. What does that say about me? Why are people not bothered about me? Is it something I have done? Is it something to do with me as a person? Am I such an awful person that no one wants to consider me? No one gives me a second thought?

I have been feeling really shit the past couple of weeks anyway. I have been struggling with urges etc. I thought perhaps I could start planning my birthday as it is my 30th birthday coming up. I planned to have a party. A couple of weeks back one of my close friends had told me she had booked tickets for a gig that night. No consideration. Not sorry, nothing about not going. It's a big birthday. She knew I was planning something. I voiced my pissed offness about it to another friend and she said she would guilt trip her in to not going and to sell the tickets as it was only fair when this year we are putting a lot in to her. She is getting married so there is a massive hen weekend about 5 hours away so I can't go just for the night (something I really don't want to go to), and of course the wedding where we are expected to pay £100 for a hotel room, on top of the drinks, travel, new clothes, gift etc etc etc. So you would think that she would want to offer something in return. But no!

Then yesterday I see another of my supposedly closest friends has booked to go away with her work friends the weekend of my planned birthday. So I messaged my other friend and said to her about it and she said that another friend had also contacted her saying she was going away on holiday as well that weekend. I am hurt. I know it sounds childish and stupid. But I was in tears about it yesterday. Most of yesterday. The only thing that managed to stop me was hammering it out in the gym.

I am sick of being considerate to other people when I am wanting to book or do things. Thinking it's such and such's birthday then so they may want to do something that weekend, so I either can't do it, or do it another less convenient weekend. I am sick of always being the one to make contact with people. To arrange people. To ferry people around in the car (that won't be happening any longer, more on that in a bit). But I am always the one to make contact with people. No one seems to give a fuck about me. No one cares about my needs. No one considers them. It seems as though people only want to be around me when I am well as well. I only had 4 friends come and see me in hospital when I was in so long. No one else even contacted me. Now, one of those 4 has moved to Australia, another now has a baby and so is limited to when we can see each other. And out of the 2 that are left, one I am still really close to. And the other has faded in to the background and is one of the ones who booked a trip with work people over my birthday. Someone who has known her 20 years nearly. Someone who would be classed as a best friend. Not any more. I am shown such little consideration.

Well, I give up. I can't be bothered any more. So I have decided to not bother having a party now. To not even bother celebrating with them being as though there would be no one around to come. It's hardly a party with 3 people is it? Because basically I know if one person doesn't come it would mean another doesn't make the effort to. I am sick of having people like this in my life. I give up. I am hurt by it all.

I know, I am probably over reacting to this. But, it's something that has been building for a while. Every year when it comes to organising anything for my birthday I get stressed. I hate how people always let me down. So, I am not going to bother. I am not putting myself through stress for people to mess me around and cause me stress. I don't need it in my life.

And then we have the tears today. My Mum. More specifically my Mum and her drinking. I was the reciprocent of her drunken snotty messages this morning. Well, middle of the night. I basically got 3 messages having a go at me about having her car. She had asked me if we could go to Ikea today. I assumed she wanted to go together so I sent her a message last night saying I was at physiotherapy today at 14.30 so could we go early. Her reply at nearly 2am basically saying forget it. Then another having a go at me, and then another having a go at me saying she wanted the car back. I was pissed off. I actually started crying as soon as I read them because I was so angry. I had only been awake minutes and was still in bed. So I angrily replied, that of course she could have it if she wasn't too fucking pissed to drive it. I left it at that. Almost straight back she sends a message correcting my grammar in the message and then more abuse. This is at 06.30am. She was still obviously pissed. So I ignored it. Got in the car and drove it round there and just left it in the drive. I am so pissed off. Most normal people would say a bit more politely than that, most people would not get snotty. I assumed she wanted us to go together so was saying when I could go, not that she couldn't have the car as I would have taken it around there and got buses. But fuck it. She can have it back. She can drive to her hearts content. She will get pulled over for drink driving eventually. There is no way after the amount she consumes at night that she is under the legal limit to drive the next day. Every time I have been over recently when I have been over in the morning it is obvious she was pissed the night before. Or my Dad has mentioned she was pissed and a mess, or that he was getting abusive text messages in the middle of the night. I am sick of it. If he won't do anything about it. I will. I am going to tell my Dad as well that if she is going to drink in Scotland I don't want her coming as I don't want to share a room with her. I don't want to be around her if she is drinking.

I am sick of her empty promises. I am sick of her making out that things are going to change and they don't. I told my Dad to leave her. I told him if it was me I wouldn't put up with drunken abuse from her, the violence. I think he blames himself as it's to do with how he was with another woman when they broke up. She spent most of her savings on moving out, taking out a years lease on a house, and she was the one who left him. Of course he thinks they are broken up. In my eyes he didn't do anything wrong. Except his choice in woman. Yes, I would be upset if I was in her position. But if she couldn't get past it, why get back together with him? I am really worried about him. I am worried that she is going to hurt him. I am worried for him.

Of course there is worry about what the alcohol is doing to her as well. But I moved out to escape all of this. I don't appreciate drunken abusive messages in the middle of the night.

I can't deal with it at the moment. I really can't. I need an escape. I need some release from these feelings. I need to cut. But, the only release I have at the moment from this is the gym and spin. And I worry if I cut, I won't be able to go. I don't have anyone at the moment. Out of my closest friends I would talk to about this; one is in Ireland and the other is about to go away for 3 weeks to India, so she doesn't have any time before she goes. I feel on my own. I don't really want to call crisis team as it seems so trivial. My emotions seem a huge over reaction to what has actually happened. I've pretty much been crying since 7am this morning. It's just gone 3 now. I look a state. I want to go to the gym, but I can't stop crying long enough for my face to go down. Especially as I know most the people who go to spin now, and it's the guy I really fancy doing it tonight. I need to take some paracetamol and get rid of this crying head ache. I took a diazepam at 8am this morning as I was so wound up and the urges were so intense.

I feel as though I have lots of little things going on at the moment and anything that does happen is getting a massive over reaction because I am avoiding dealing with the other stuff that is going on.

I need knocking out. I can't drink as I know I will end up cutting or worse, and it makes me put on weight. And I don't have any more pills that I can find. I have a doctors appointment at 8 tomorrow morning so I can't take any meds to knock me out.

I am over reacting aren't I?

Tuesday, 18 February 2014


I've found a way of me taking back some control. It is self harm and it is quite bad, but it's not noticeable. No one will know. There are no cuts to cover, no pain, no marks. It works for me.

The way is making myself sick after I have eaten. I know it's not the healthiest thing to be doing, and in terms of getting rid of calories it is not that efficient. It won't get rid of many of them. But I have been binging and then making myself sick. I figure, if I do it within about 20 minutes, then most of the calories will come back up. I have found ways of doing it so it is not that unpleasant. That is easy.

I know I need to be careful I don't get addicted to doing it or rely on it. I can imagine that that is quite easy to do. But I won't. I won't do it after every meal. Just some when I have the opportunity to. Just the evening meal. Not always, just some of the time. If it's been a bad meal, if I have had too much. Yesterday I went too far, every meal and 2 binges. But today I don't plan on doing it.

It is my way of regaining some control of what is all going off for me at the moment. I can't cut but I can do this. I have some control back. It is making me feel a bit more stable. I suppose that is good isn't it?

It seems as though I don't have any control about what is going on in my life at the moment. Everything feels out of my hands. By doing this I have something I know I can control. It's like the cutting when I feel as though I need to control. It's like the restricting. It is just a form of control. That is all. I don't expect to lose any weight by doing it. But I feel cleansed after I have done it. I feel better. That can't be bad can it?

Sunday, 16 February 2014


I've been having a lot of thoughts going around in my head. Bad thoughts. Thoughts of suicide. Not exactly putting a plan together but, the thought of what I would do are there again. I have the methods at home already. They are kept out of sight so I am not tempted. I am also not drinking at all. Haven't since New Year. I feel if I do I will give in on the urges. The urge to cut is massive. I see my scars and run fingers over them and I get a rush of anxiety, I get a feeling of excitement thinking of the feelings I get when I make the cut. Writing about it gives me that feeling of wanting to do it. I want to cut.

I have a lot of crap going around in my head at the moment. I have a lot of anxiety swimming around. I have this horrible feeling that something is going to happen. A feeling of an impending sense of doom. I try to not think about what is going on in my life. The more I think about it the more I want to do something. I get worked up and I get upset.

I am trying to throw myself in to the gym. It helps that I have a crush there. The guy who does the spin classes, not the fucked up guy from before, but the guy who actually takes them. He is lush. And it would appear he is now my personal trainer kind of. I feel a bit stalkerish though. I see him at one leisure centre on a Tuesday and Thursday when I do spin classes and then at another centre which is my local one when I go to the gym. I am a bit worried he is going to think I am stalking him. I booked in to have a programme done on Friday. I didn't know it was going to be him doing it, but it was. It was very hands on and I went very red. I was telling him about my plans to get in to photography professionally and he has asked me if I would do some portrait shots for him for his website. He is going at it as a personal trainer and so I may be able to get some of him with his kit off.

So that's my motivation to go to the gym at the moment. So that's good. I need to keep going as when I lose weight I feel a bit better about myself. It's nice standing on the scales on a Tuesday morning and seeing I have lost weight. Although that feeling is great, and I have lost about 3 stone now. I still feel horrible. I feel huge still. I don't feel any different. I still feel massive. I feel a fat unattractive lump. I have about 2 stone to lose to get me to a weight that would put my BMI within a normal range. My plan is to get there and see how I feel. But, I think I want to be thinner than that. I have been looking at thinspo sites and seeing what tips I can get. I need to be careful though as I want to exercise, I want to be fit, so I need to make sure I eat so that I don't end up passing out at the gym. That would be mortifying. I know a lot of my eating is emotional. I eat crap when I feel crap. I eat when I am anxious, I eat to block out other feelings. I eat to feel full. It is like a self harm thing in a way. So, this last week or so has been quite hard because I have wanted to comfort eat.

I really want to cut. I tell myself, that I can do it later. That, it won't spiral, that if I go over an old scar, it will be healed in time for my trip. That it won't impact my gym work outs etc. That it will be ok. My life at the moment it the gym. That is what is stopping me. Because of the just in case. The in case it hurts to walk; it has done in the past. The in case I can't go and do spin. The in case I can't go and I will put on weight. That is what is stopping me. Not that it would be step back. Not that I see it as failing at recovery. It is all about losing weight and being able to go to the gym, also, that in case it hasn't healed properly by the time I go away with the girls. In the past my wounds have taken months to heal. But then I tell my self that if I keep it covered and moisturised, it will heal fine. It will be ok in time.

I am also having thoughts of an OD. A small one. Just enough to make me sick. To make me feel as though I have done something. A self harm OD. Something I don't have to tell anyone about. But when I say sick, I don't mean sick sick, as in throwing up. I have a bit of a fear about throwing up. I mean, to put me in a trance. I don't really want to do it though. Because if I take what I have, it leaves me with less should I decide to do it properly. It eats in to my supply. That's pretty fucked up thinking isn't it?

I don't feel as though I can talk to any one I know about this. I have only told 2 of my friends that I was in hospital again a few weeks back. I am wondering if I need to go again? I am not seeing G tomorrow as he is off. I will probably call the duty worker later and speak to them. I wish I did have a CPN/CCO again. I need that stable person. I know I wouldn't be able to speak to them today as they would be off, but it's nice to know that if I call it gets fed back to a person in charge of my care. I can't stand the psychiatrist. He is a arrogant twat. But, I am not going to get started on that as it will wind me up even more.

For now though, I am going to employ some distraction techniques. I am going to get tidied up, I am going to clean, then I am going to go to the gym. I need to be able to tell the person I speak to, if I call that I have tried things. That I have tried to get out and carry on doing what I do. I am not sure how much it will help, but, it has to be better than sitting in my PJ's wanting to eat crap and feeling worse and worse. So, I am going to try!

Friday, 14 February 2014


I've not written anything in a while. I think a lot of the reason is because I keep putting it off as I felt as I had quite a lot to get off my chest.

I have had two psychology sessions since I last wrote anything. Two quite full on ones where I have struggled. In the first one I was close to tears. Well, I wasn't close I was stopping myself from crying. I don't do crying in front of people. I hate it. I know as well, if I do start crying in that situation once I start I won't stop and I will become a snotty, red mess. Not a nice look. Not when you have to go somewhere after and when you are wearing quite a lot of eye make up that will smear all over your face. G saw that I was holding the tears back. He asked why. A lot of it is because I don't want my make-up to smear, but there is the whole thing about losing control in front of people. I don't like doing it. He keeps telling me I am safe to cry etc, but I won't. I rarely cry in front of people. I rarely cry. Not at real things any way. I cry at the TV, I cry at music. I am quite emotional at things like that. But when it comes to me, I don't cry. Am I weird?

G's new theory at the moment is something to do with my childhood and how I used to act when I was a child is coming back now. When I was a kid, quite young, if my parents were screaming at each other at night and it woke me up I used to get really scared. I was really anxious. To make them stop I used to pretend I had had a nightmare so one of them would come to me, and thus, stopping the arguing. G thinks that I have an unconscious feeling now, in that there has to be something wrong with me to stop their problems and give them another focus. Personally, I think it's a load of crap. If that were the case I wouldn't hide as much from them as I do. I would be more open with them. I would talk with them about how I am feeling etc. But, I don't. I keep things to myself as I don't want other people knowing.I get where he is coming from in this, but he isn't right.

My main worries at the moment are to do with my parents. Mt Mum's not drinking didn't last. I knew it wouldn't. And things have gone back to how they were before. She is violent towards him and I am worried she will take it further and do something serious to him. I am so worried about losing one of them. I am having nightmares about it.

I've got quite a lot going on at the moment really. Things I keep trying to push aside as when I do think about them I get upset. I am avoiding them. But, it works for me. When I think about things I want to cut, I want to OD, I want to do something to myself. So, I am avoiding it. I am not even going to write everything here as I don't want to set it all off.

I was going through my Schema Therapy book last night and some of the schemas are getting worse, some that weren't even there before are now apparent. I am not sure what that means. It also appears that I have a long way to go. I have not spoke to G about it, but, I feel as though I need more of a plan with therapy, more structure. I want to know where we are going with it. I want to know what is coming next. It seems as though we are still only breaking down the schemas and not actually doing anything about them. There is so much more to get through. He mentioned doing some imagery work last week, he has also mentioned writing a letter. I don't feel as though I can do that. I am not strong enough. Also, it's something I am not sure I want to do.

I am trying to get by at the moment by avoiding everything. I am trying to not think about things. G thinks we are in a good position as everything is laid out. I don't like it. I want to deal with things one thing at a time in some order and methodically. If I think about how things are at the moment I get anxious. I am anxious a lot of the time. I can't function properly. G asked me to write a list of things I wanted to look at still. He looked at it and said a lot of them are related to anxiety. He thinks I am carrying a lot of anxiety around. I am. But I am trying to file it all away, not think about it an avoid it.

I am not seeing him this week as it is half term. I have thought about some of the things he has said and need to get out what I think, but I am not going to be able to do that for just over another week.

If I start to struggle I will call the duty worker and speak to them. Just a bit worried as last time I did that, they suggested hospital. I don't think I am at that stage at the moment. But, a bit worried that it could be in a couple of weeks. I am a bit of a mess, I have had thoughts going through my mind. It worries me. I know how things usually work with me, what pattern they follow.

But, I shall keep on going. I have a new crush at the gym. Although kind of feels like I am stalking him at the moment and bit worried. He does spin classes on a Tuesday and Thursday. And on a Wednesday and Friday he works the desk at my closest gym that I go to. I am worried he is going to think I am following him. I am going to have to slip in how the one he works at on the desk is my most local one and is easiest for me to get there. Anyway, he is not available. I'd never have a chance anyway, he is a fitness instructor, they usually go for the size 8 super fit types etc. I'll never be that. But, it's a weird thing. It's like not knowing if he is available or not makes it more exciting. Now I know he isn't, it's dull, and I've gone off him. It's stupid isn't it!

Anyway, time for a shower.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Can You Help Me?

To those in the UK.

Please text KMOR84 £ (and your amount) to 70070

If you read my blog you will see I have been on a bit of a fitness craze recently. I think it has helped me some what in making me feel better about myself. So far I have lost nearly 3 stone since April last year. Most of it being since I started exercising in September time. It has been a massive part of my life recently. And although I haven't been great at times, I think the healthy living side of me has helped me for things not to escalate further. So that I am motivated to continue, I have decided to set myself a challenge.

Here you can see my weight loss journey so far...

I feel prevention is better than a cure. The charity I have chosen works with people in my city to help them with all aspects of their life.

Anyone who knows me will know that until about 6 months ago, I was allergic to exercise and walking up a slight hill left me out of breath. So, yeah, I was pretty lazy.
In an attempt to get fit, I have started going to the gym and have been going walking. To my complete surprise, I have found that I actually quite enjoy getting out in to the countryside and getting up high, and unexpectedly I didn't break out in hives and melt in the fresh air.
I turn 30 this year which is bloody scary stuff (I am going somewhere with this so keep reading), I thought I would quite like to achieve something before I hit the big 3-0, and what better than a challenge?
I wanted this challenge to be something that will push me to my maximum, something that I have to prepare myself for and something that I can look back on in a few years and be proud of myself for achieving it. I was going to go to Wales and climb Snowdon, but my Dad suggested The West Highland Way. Being as though this finishes in Fort William, I thought I could just tag Ben Nevis on to the end of it. The main challenge will be the WHW.
The WHW is a long distance walk going between a little town just north of Glasgow (the one in Scotland, not Ontario, Canada), all the way through the Highlands to Fort William. The total ascent over this walk is 17,405 feet. That's a lot of ups and downs! 
I am going to tackle this walk with the aid of my fantastic parents, although, unfortunately, I think I am now a little too old and large for my Dad to carry me on his shoulders like he did when I was a wee one. So, I will just rely on some being pushed in the right direction and their encouragement. 
We are going to do the walk over 8 days. We will be walking between 9 and 16 miles a day over undulating, rough terrain. Then, we will be climbing Ben Nevis the day after finishing the walk (weather permitting of course. There will more than likely be snow at the top and possibly still some snow falls, so we aren't going to risk life and limb to go up, but we will try our very best).
So why Base 51?
It's an amazing charity that offers so much to the young people (under 25's) in the city and county of Nottingham.
I'll just copy some stuff from their website as they can say it so much better than me...
Base 51 recognises the challenges facing young people particularly those, for example, who experience relationship breakdown in their families, find school difficult, have been in care, are a young parent or homeless. A “wrap round” service in one centre enables young people to work through these issues, make the transition to adulthood and contribute positively to their local community. Base 51 is in the city centre and is well used by young people from all areas of the city and walks of life.
During 2010-11 Base 51: Supported over 1,500 individual young people with 7,953 visits to the centre. Provided over 1,000 meals, drinks and sandwiches. Young People: 364 saw the centre nurse 246 attended counselling sessions 231 helped with housing issues Quotes from young people:
“Base 51 found me somewhere to stay for the night whilst I had nowhere to go”
“Coming here made me feel better within myself and feel like I had someone to talk to so I didn’t feel like I’m alone or worthless”.

Base 51 works in partnership with local and national statutory and voluntary organisations to provide the services it offers. Some of these services are counselling, family support, a health service, a housing service, learning support, plus many more.

I could write pages and pages on what a great job and what a range of services they offer. But I won’t. Here is a link to their website instead…check it out.

So please, donate a little, after all a little leads to a lot!                 

So please help me in my quest of raising money for charity. Please text KMOR84 £(your amount) to 70070.

You can donate anything from £1 up. The thing about texting is you remain totally anonymous.