Wednesday, 29 June 2011


Everyone has prejudices. Some let there's affect what they do others don't.

The best of Social Workers even have prejudices. It's a human thing.

If you read my blog you will see that I have a prejudice against chavs. But, I don't let it affect my work when I work with them. I don't oppress them, I don't discriminate. I do my job and I do it well.

Someone commented on one of my posts quite angrily that I shouldn't be doing what I am doing as I don't like chavs. Well they are wrong. Because of the above reasons. My blog is a diary for me. A place to write about how I feel about things and what I think.

It's not all chavs I don't like. It is the ones who not can't but wont aspire to anything. The type of person who will claim benefits, and never aspire to come off them. I am not having a go at people who claim benefits here, nor am I saying that everyone who claims benefits is a chav.

Our society is fantastic for the welfare state. OK, so some people will get more money claiming benefits than they ever will if they work. Unfortunately, it therefore, doesn't make sense for them to pay for before school and after school clubs to be working in a job that does not bring in anywhere near the same amount of money.

One of my last clients was in this position. She was taking home about £1400 per month in various benefits and on top of that cash her housing was paid for as was her council tax. She was a girl who left school at 16 with no qualifications and due to her circumstance would not be able to afford to go to work. To break even she would be needing to have a job that paid about £30k a year. Not very likely really. But. She had aspirations. She wanted to improve her education, she wanted to follow courses in which she would enjoy to help her gain more skills so that she was employable. This woman could possibly be classed as chav. I didn't have a problem with her though.

What I do have a problem with is 16-19 year olds claiming benefits straight from school as they have no aspiration. They don't want to do any thing with their life other than drink stella on the weekends, have lots of sex, produce lots of kids who will follow in their footsteps. Those kind of chavs. I know, there could be a whole heap of reasons why these people are like this and perhaps I am a bit quick to judge. But, there are people who are out there who just want to take the system for everything they can because they feel that they are entitled to it. Why are they entitled to it? They may never have worked a day in their life. Fair enough if the person has mental health problems, or if they are ill educated. As has been said where I am now if a person has had no education and crap parenting then perhaps you can understand why they don't have aspirations. But some people have no excuse. These are the people I do have a problem with.

The person who remains anonymous, which would tell me that I have probably had either conversations with them or I know who they are and they don't want to tell me, said I am no better than them and I shouldn't be doing what I am doing.

As a person I do not let what I think of people affect the way in which I work with them. I want to work in mental health but that is by the by. But, I have come across people in my life who are the type of people that are bad for society and if their future generations turn out like them then I feel for those. I am bound to have prejudices and my own thoughts on things. Every one does.

I was quite lucky to have been brought up in a middle class family (albeit bordering alcoholics but again that's neither her nor there. Lol :-) - and please don't comment on my lack of respect for alcoholics, unless you want another whole blog on my thoughts and feelings around alcoholism. But seriously my brothers and parents drink far too much, so much it worries me). Being from a middle class family I probably have different expectations of people. But I am aware of this.

What would be the worrying thing here would be if I was not aware of my prejudices, if I discriminated by not giving these people the same chances. But none of this goes on. When it comes to work, I leave everything at the door. I don't let my personal opinions, feelings or non professional judgements come in to it.

It's a bit higgeldy piggely but that is my explanation. Yes. I am prejudice, but I am aware that I am. Everyone has expectations of others. In my life it's not normal to walk your kids to school first thing in the morning with a can of lager (maybe he had just come off a night shift or something - but when 75% of the people on the estate I work on are unemployed...well what are the chances of that). It's not normal to be lazy. I don't like to see blokes walking around with no shirts on either. Save it for the back garden, the beach or pool.

And really. The personal digs saying I'd be too hungover to take my kids to old are you? You sound like a child!

And this says it all...

Ambition (this is a joke, I am probably laughing at my own joke but never mind)!

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Fat Club


Starting Weight 17stone
Weight This Week  16st10
I have maintained my weight these last 2 weeks.

I wasn't able to go last week as of being late working and I was all over the shop. I didn't really make an effort to go on any other day as I didn't want to. I knew I had eaten out 5 times within the week. So, I didn't want to get weighed.

I was dreading this week. With it being my birthday over the weekend I had a blow out. Lots of alcohol, food I wanted and no being careful. So I was quite shocked when my weight was the same as it was 2 weeks ago. I was miffed two weeks ago as I had put on a pound.

I am having a new start now though and being really super duper careful this week. No alcohol for me! Alcohol has a lot of points but it also makes you want to eat crap the next day. So it's a double whammy. I am determined not to use any of my extra allowances at all and go for losing a couple of pounds.

Can I do it?

There's only one way to find out!

I Went East 4

Krabi and Railay Beach

It wasn't a pleasant journey down to Krabi. Silly me went and lost my train ticket. I think I put it in such as safe place that I forgot where it was. So rather than wait another 3 nights in Bangkok I wanted to get to Krabi as cheap and quickly as possible. That meant by bus. Night bus that they say takes 12 hours. Nice! So I book my ticket and get to the bus.I don't think I have ever been as uncomfortable as that. The person in front of me reclined their seat all the way back so he was basically lying on top of me. No leg room. The bus was packed so everyone was having to sit next to someone. I had a little thai woman who was going on holiday. She was fine, she was about 4 foot nothing. She asked me if I wanted to swap seats as she didn't need the room. She was curled up in her seat! But I had the window seat and didn't want to explain to her I will more than likely be sick if I don't sit next to window so just said I was fine. 12 hours later we get to Surat Thani...I was told I would be in Krabi by now. It is on the opposite coast. So everyone piles off the bus and we had to wait an hour before continuing on the journey. At about 10am we finally get to Krabi where the person tells me it will take another hour or so to get to Railay. Great! So get to the boat bit and have to wade out in the sea to get on the little tiny boat. Not fun when carrying an extra 20 or so kg's in luggage. Finally get to Railay and it all becomes worth it. 18 hours of travel and I am in pure paradise!

I trugged over to the cheap side of Railay and everyone was telling me could not get fan room cheaper than 700BHT so I am thinking I am going to have to treck all the way back over to the other side and move on. But then one helpful person said that was somewhere that did bungalows for 400BHT (50BHT is 1 GBP). So I manage to find it only to discover it is up the steepest steps and very uneven (I later counted there to be 60 steep steps). Managed to get a room with a shared bathroom for 250BHT per night so the climb was worth it. The room on the other hand...well. It was basically a makeshift cabin built on a bamboo scaffolding and the rooms separated by woven bamboo. I had a good 4inch gap under my door and could see daylight through the walls. And you could hear everything from the next rooms...and I mean EVERYTHING! Good job I had my iPod. It was just a matteress on the floor that you had to make sure you tread carefully as felt like you may fall through floorboards. But it was clean and affordable.

I spent 3 nights in Railay beach. The first day I just went to what is known as James Bond beach which is stunning. I have been trying to upload pictures but for some reason I can't. It may just be this internet place but I am quite worried my phone and memory card may have picked up a virus. That night I didn't do much other than have dinner at my guest house and walk to to the other beach for the sunset. On the way I had a shoe cricis and had to wait for the shop to open just to buy a cheap pair of flip flops as they were my last pair. So annoying!

On the second day I spent time on Railay beach itself. I had arranged to meet a girl I met on the way down to Railay so we could discuss going to Ko Phi Phi together and have dinner etc. I also got conked on the head by some falling fruit. I know not to sit under coconut trees and always look out for them. But there I was just about to fall asleep when whack! Some thing about the size of a lemon in a hard shell fell from a tree and it hurt! So I met up with Emma and then we went to watch the fire competition. It was really good. Guys doing things with these sticks that are on fire, they were really skilled. Ended up having an early night again and a nice lie in the next day.
I decided as I was having a major shoe cricis I would go over to Krabi town and see what I could get there. I found Railay to be so expensive like 40BHT for a bottle of water where as in other places it has been about 9BHT. Managed to get there in an hour. Was quite a nice easy journey other than having to wade out to get on the boats again but I was minus bags! Krabi was a horrible place. No feeling to it at all. Managed to get some shoes and a couple of books which I have kept me entertained today. Getting back was a nightmare. Before heading off in to town I saw a sign saying the last boat was was at 17.30 but I ended up getting to the pier at 15.00. I was waiting and waiting and waiting for ages. A few people turned up but there didn't seem to be any boats coming in. At about 4ish a boat came and said it was going to Tonsai beach and I would be able to walk back from there. I didn't want to risk not being able to get back and wasn't prepared to fork out for a boat of my own. So I went on that boat. Although this time the tide was out so I had to walk out to the boat. Ended up slicing my toe on some rocks which still really hurts and I was actually up to my waist in water. Good job I didn't have the bag on me. I get dropped off on the beach and I am told I can either go over the big rock/hill or round it as the tide was out. I opted for going round it as didn't really fancy a jungle trek I was hot enough as it was. Nightmare walk back. It was only about 2 miles but it was such hard work. I was in full sun and trying to pick me way through rocks and coral that were exposed as tide was out. Took a good hour just to walk from one of one beach to where I was going.

That night I decided I was worth having a couple of drinks after my exhausting walk back. Went for dinner with Emma and she said she was going to stick around on Railay longer as she really liked it. So rather than going to phi Phi together she has stayed there and I have come over to Ko Lanta. I did like Railay but was not very backpacker friendly and everything was aimed at 2 week holiday makers with money. Went to this bar where there was open mic night and basically you sing a long to an acoustic set. The Thai guying running the show was awful...sounded like a cat in pain! I can't believe he was paid to sing there he was bad. I had had a couple of beers and loads of other people had been up and had a go and so I thought why not. So I picked Sweet Child O Mine and actually got asked to do encore...yup the thai guy was that bad that people wanted to hear me sing again. So I picked Hotel California. It seemed to go ok but I know that I can't sing so was just a bit of fun making a fool of myself. It's not as though I am going to see those people ever again and have them take the piss out of me for ever!

The beer is strong here. 3 bottles of beer and I definatly felt it this morning! Had Emma knocking on my door as was supposed to meet her for breakfast. That girl had a massive thing about breakfast and talked about it a lot. I was still in bed and just sort of groaned at her! An hour later I had my breakfast of a Tuna Sandwich!

I am on Ko Lanta now and will write again once I have actually done something here!


Monday, 27 June 2011


I'm hanging. I was woken at about 5am cos I was feeling so bad. What makes it worse is I have to go in to placement today. I wish I could call in sick. I am really hating this placement. My inner snob is coming out in me and I am disgusted by some of the people being chavy. The other morning I was driving in and there was this guy walking his kids to school at about 8.30am and he was drinking a can of lager. I hate hate hate hate there. The area I am in is so scummy. I didn't think areas as scummy existed. I am trying my hardest with it but I really don't like it.

I am so stupid. Drinking so much yesterday that I am now hungover. I wasn't meant to be drinking yesterday. I knew I had to go in and be around kids but yet here I am hanging.

I don't know what time I went to bed last night either. I am awake as when I am hanging I can't sleep. I am trying my overload on vitamins method by already having been up and liquidized a load of fruit but it doesn't appear to be working. I am going to try again though.

Time for crap tv and fruit.

I so don't want to go today. I hate hate hate hate the place,

Thursday, 23 June 2011


My CPN dumped me today. She said there was little point trying to come up with a crisis plan when I know I wont do anything about it as I make my mind up well in advance. She said there was little point doing anything as we only had a short time together and it was pretty obvious I wont open up to anyone I don't know. She also said another reason why I had been referred to them was because of diagnosis. I won't accept the diagnosis of PD and so attempts at working towards accepting it are futile. She said I should continue to work with Sam as that is where I have a more trusting relationship.

To be honest, I am not bothered about not having to see her anymore. She is right, it's pointless. I said I thought it was more of a mood disorder. The impression I have is because I self harm it's a PD. I wonder what the diagnosis would be if I didn't self harm. The mood changes would still be there. It seems as though they are ignoring all of this and concentrating on the self harm. They whole approach that they have taken with me just puts it in concrete even more how easy it is to label someone with PD, and that if a person self harms then it is a PD.

I don't want to see anyone anymore. I don't have to see Sam for another couple of weeks as I am on placement and I couldn't get a later appointment. I said to CPN that I didn't say a lot of what I was feeling or thinking as I was scared of the consequences. Like this whole thing with uni came out because I was honest with my feelings. I said I didn't like to say too much as I want to keep things private and to myself. Then CPN went on to say she worries more about the people that do that as at least if people are open and honest they can set up some kind of care plan. But when people don't say things they worry as they know there is stuff that is not being said and that there is nothing that can be done about it. Personally, I am going to take my chances. I don't hold much faith in psychiatric services and I will never be the type of person that can voice exactly what is going on in my head.

But, at the moment, I kind of feel a bit better when I haven't seen anyone. Is this normal? I have not seen Sam in a couple of weeks now and my world has not collapsed around me, I have not gone off the rails. OK, so I cut. I know people will probably think I did that because I have not seen Sam. It's nothing to do with that. The people I have seen are always trying to make me try and get out how I was feeling and what had gone off. They think there is some pattern, but there isn't. I cut because I felt like cutting. There was no emotions flying around, nothing had changed.

They don't seem to believe me when I say there is no pattern to my moods. I said I can feel pretty normal and stable when normal people would feel suicidal. Never mind a person who has tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions. If they want patterns etc it's not going to happen. Sometimes when everything in my life is all hunky dory I will feel suicidal. The feeling is just there. Nothing attributes to it. Sometimes when everything is going shit I can just get on with it. Take a really sensible approach to the whole thing and manage step by step and not feel low, not feel suicidal. Just feel pretty normal. That's about the lows. I don't have any thing to explain the highs. But apparently, there must be a pattern and all I need to do is carry on working with Sam and we will figure it out. Well, I am sorry, but there is nothing, NOTHING to bloody pissing figure out!

I'm gonna go to see Sam a couple more times. If I still feel they are trying to ram shit down my throat I am going to stop going. I think I would be better dealing with it on my own. Same with Dr T the psychiatrist. Give him a couple more tries and if things continue the way they are I am not going to bother and I am going to try going it on my own. I think it may be for the best!

Night all.


Tuesday, 21 June 2011

I Went East 3

Continuing my travel series...

Ko Chang and back to Bangkok (again!)

It's not that I love Bangkok (well I do really like it here) why I keep coming back it is as I am using it as the centre point of my trip and will keep coming back.

I decided I would go to Ko Chang as I couldn't get a train to the south and I wasn't feeling that sure about being in Bangkok as of the troubles with the red shirts and protests. It's a good job I left. The same day that I left it came to a head and ended up in riots on the KSR with 21 people dying and over 800 injured. Was speaking to a girl I met on KSR and she said it was quite scary.

Anyway, I was told it would take 7 hours to get to Ko Chang from Bangkok...pah! More like 12. It wasn't a too bad journey. I went by VIP bus and could spread out and was air conditioned. As I didn't sleep that much the night before I was able to sleep most of the way there so I didn't mind too much. Infact I was quite enjoying the bus ride as of the aircon!

So I arrive in Ko Chang at about 18.30. I find somewhere to stay and haggle with the owner. I have a cute bungalow as close to the sea as you can be. Didn't have aircon and had a stupid fan but it wasn't that bad. I didn't really do that much in Ko Chang. The first day I decided to have a walk to the beach. Had a swim in the sea and spent a couple of hours lounging around (it's what I am best at). When the shade started to go I decided to have a walk back in to the town and go to the place I spyed with a pool. Lovely!

The next day I did pretty much the same but it was the start of Thai New year celebrations. It is Songkran which is a 4 day festival. I got out the pool and decided to dry off. Mistake! I got about 10metres down the road when all these people just came at me with water guns and buckets of water. Drenched! I thought if can't beat them join them so brought myself a gun for 50p which was stollen by a little kid and she gave me the dog bowel she was using. Things started to take a more sinister! So the water was not a refreshing splash any more but bloody freezing. I don't know how there were not any accidents on the road as motorbikes were swerving etc. It was accident waiting to happen really! Every car, taxi, motorbike and person that went by you shoot or throw water at. Taxis were most fun as you would have people cowering in the back wanting to stay dry. It was so much fun.

I then made my way back to Bangkok as have an overnight train to Krabi tonight and being as though is new year I thought the traffic would be worse so didn't want to risk not being back in time to get train. So staying on KSR again. Amazing! I thought it was pretty mad in Ko Chang. Here you are immediatly covered in flour and drenched as soon as you leave the guest house. Don't know how I am going to manage to get to train station without getting wet. I am in air con carriage and don't wanna be sitting soaking wet in it as I'll be cold!

Before I go I am going to go hang out in KSR again and get wet and wet other people. It's just one big water fight. It beats UK new year so much. I love how nice everyone is to one another and as you walk down the road you have people just throwing their arms around you giving you a hug.

So off to Krabi tonight. Not sure where I am going. Think I will have one night in Krabi itself and then move on to more beach areas.

Sunday, 19 June 2011

I Went East 2

Continuing on from my last posts about a month ago about my travels..

Ayutthaya and back to Bangkok

Ended up only staying one night in Bangkok and a good night it was. Decided I was going to chill out and just watch everything go by and soak it all in when i was joined by 3 guys from Hungary. We got talking and the drinks started flowing. Although I only actually paid for one! Ended up in this weird Irish bar, it was air conditioned so I wasn't complaining. They had a live band on which was 5 Thai men doing indie/rock tributes. They were actually quite good and the 4 of us had a great laugh dancing around. We were joined by these Thai girls...and no it wasn't what you are thinking. They were students on a night out in Bangkok. Had a really good night but come 2am I was flagging and the music went crap (chavy city centre bar crap) and the travels were catching up on me. So off to bed I went. Considering I didn't have air conditioning I slept really well, it was probably a mixture of alcohol and being exhausted though.

So I catch the train to Ayutthaya, it is a UNESCO hertiage site. Loads of ancient Khemer ruins that were quite interesting. Basically I rented a bike and biked round the different temples. It was quite nice. Being as though I had an air conditioned room for the same as I was paying for fan room in Bangkok I decided that I would stay there for 3 nights. Ayutthaya is quite a quiet place. Well quite is an understatement. The first night I was there I decided to go to the night markets and have dinner. Cheaper than chips! Although, I did draw quite abit of a crowd as I had my dinner. I ordered something that was described as hot and spicy...and it was!. I had people looking at me and I could tell they were thinking stupid pasty white girl.But it was yummy and was about 70p with rice and a water. My lips were burning an hour later though.

After a day of sight seeing I decided I was going to go to an area that they call little Khao San Road. I was thinking that there may be a few people around. I sat my self in a restaurant...I was the only person in the place. I had looked in other places and they were also empty so I had to break my usual rule of going where is busy and went for going where is cheap and I like the look of the menu. It was quite early though but I was quite tired so I thought I would go back to the guesthouse and read for a bit...I have started reading Twilight and unfortunately I am loving it so means I am going to be having to track down the others while I am out here!

On my third day I didn't really do anything. Just went for a wander and got some supplies. Oh and I went to Tesco! Yep...they have Tesco's here also. You know how I love a good tesco shopping trip. I was thinking I would grab myself a few cold beers and some water but when I went to pay she said I couldn't have the beer until was about 11am. SO came out with just a bottle of water. So that evening I decided I would go back to little KSR a little later and see what it was like. It was even worse. There was hardly anyone around. I grabbed some dinner and went back to the guest house with a couple of cans and sat on the balcony and read.

I quite liked the guest house I was staying in although I had some confusion over the name of it. On my first evening there I went out and got a tad lost. I had lost the map the guesthouse guy had wrote on and found another one but I was guessing where the road I was on was. So asking people how I got back to it. Asking them if they knew where SaunBaun guesthouse was and I was getting loads of blank looks and people wondering what on earth I was on about. After about asking the 6th person he said do you mean Baun Su-an. I was like yeah that's the one. So I was asking people for directions to a place that didn't even exist. Even after this I was still struggling. I had the name although the pronunciation had nto be spot on for people to understand. In the end a moto taxi driver said I could follow him for 20BHT after he had told me the same directions over and over again. I am thinking I have biked down there about 4 times already surly he is not right! Well Yup, he was right. I was looking on the wrong side of the road. What a waste of 40p but it got me back. It was just around the corner. The only problem with the guest house was that I was woken each morning at sunrise by dogs howling. They made such a weird noise and was quite eery. Everyplace seems to have a dog that barked at me as walked past. I had one dog chase me when I was on the bike. I don't like animals over here...they may have rabies. Actually I am not keen on animals full stop never mind possible rabid ones!

So now I am back in Bangkok for the night and I am going to sort out onward travel for tomorrow. My plan was to head on down to Ko Samui on the overnight train tonight. Forgetting it is Thai new year from the 11th April so everyone is trying to get away. I was at the station in ticket office and the guy said I could get on the train at 5pm tonight. I said ok. So out I run to get a Tuk tuk and haggle with the price and said for him to step on it. And he did. So I made it back to visa place hoping my passport would be back. No it wasn't due back til 6. So another mad rush back to the train station so I can postpone my ticket rather than losing 690BHT (about 14quid). Made it with minutes to spare. I have postponed it until the 14th April to go to Ko Samui and in the interim I am going to try and arrange to get a bus to Ko Chang or Ko Samet tomorrow so I can get some beach time. They heat is just making me want to laze on the beach or by a pool and relax a little before going mad moving everywhere. So I plan to do the north when Raq leaves me on June 19th - July 1st.

So that has been my first few days...not done a lot but it has been quite interesting also. I will blog again after where I decide to go.

Maybe The Start Of Something New...

I like him. I had date number 2 tonight. I am so awkward though. I don't know how to be. I wanted to kiss him at the end. Seemingly he wanted to kiss me. I got a message from him after saying he had a great night and he wasn't sure if I liked him or not as he really wanted to kiss me but didn't wanna make it awkward for me in case I didn't like him. He is nice to hang out with and he makes me laugh and he is quite fancyable. I do quite like him.

So problems now are that

1) I have totally ran out of money now and so can't really afford to do much if anything. I don't like guys paying for me, I like to go halves on things.

2) I start placement this week. Which means a lot of hard work and very little time.

3) My scars. And at the moment the cut. It's looking infected again. I have a load of antibiotics from previous times of infection so am wondering if I should take a course of those. I don't want to end up in hospital again. Also, how do I explain to him about them? Will he believe fallen on glass coffee table? Am I kidding myself over this? Also, is now the right time for me to be going in to something new. Part of me feels it's unfair on him and on anyone when obviously I am not fully over my ex. But maybe me being ok with him being engaged means I am over him? And, the way I feel about Vince. I feel like a teenager when he texts me.

I have a couple of reservations about him. One of them being that he is the same age as me. Ideally I would like someone older. I think this is because I want to settle down soon. I want kids in the next few years. Obviously I have not had this talk with him, as we have been on 2 dates. But we have both said we like each other and we want to see each other again. So, I think there is possible potential. I don't want to end up in a relationship with someone who then says they don't want kids for another 10 years. I could see me having fallen for them and then not having kids until I am way in to my 30's. I don't want that. So what do I do if I am in that situation...stop taking the pill and not tell him? But I suppose, I don't know that much about him yet to be making those judgements, and doing that to someone would be awful!

So, could this be the start of something?

Can anyone suggest free date ideas please!


Saturday, 18 June 2011

New Placement and Birthdays

I start my new placement on Monday and I am dreading it. It's with kids. Young kids. Yuk. I can deal with teenagers, you can begin to rationalise with them. But kids under 5. Not my cup of tea. It doesn't help that I am miles away. And, my car is due MOT in the next couple of weeks and there is no way my shed will make it through. Not when it's a P reg rust bucket. So I don't know what I am going to do.

I'm really not feeling good about this placement. I know very little of policies etc when it comes to kids. Not that I know loads when it comes to adults but I feel as though my experience lies with adults and there is not that many policies really. I have a good grasp of the Children Act. But that is it. I have a  better grasp of NHS Community Care and Mental Health Acts which have been put to use in my previous placements. But I am really not feeling confident or good about it in anyway. I am also being sent to one of the most scumy areas there is in the county. As I have said before I don't like chavs, and I have a feeling this is going to be all about the chavs. I know, I really shouldn't be saying this considering I am training to be a social worker.

However, this is not as bad as someone in one of our lectures, someone who states she wants to be a mental health social worker, someone who wants to be a social worker care is for the best as what will happen if all group care ended as there is no way she would want to live next door to someone with mental health problems. People actually walked out the lecture. I don't blame them. Statistically 1 in 3 of us in that room will suffer with a mental health problem at some point in their life. I also know, that there is not just me but someone else who has said to me he has had problems. Someone else has also said they took an OD when they were 17. So that's 3 of us already! And there is probably more I don't know about.

So, yeah there were a few people pissed off when this all happened. This person has also said before that she thought that disabled people shouldn't be allowed to have children. Disgusting really. So me saying I don't like chavs is hardly that bad in comparison. And anyway, I am a good worker. I do leave all my values at the door and don't let my personal opinions impact on my practice or judgement. I would bang on about how that is all anti oppressive etc, but this is not an essay for uni.

It's my birthday next week. I don't really feel like celebrating. I don't want to get any older. It's all quite depressing really. I think one of the reasons I don't feel like celebrating is because no one else does. It would be nice if my friends decided that they would like to celebrate it and did something for me but that wont happen. If I am lucky I'll get a brief Facebook message and that's it. Birthdays get crapper the older you get. Last year I spent the day in a bar in Vang Vieng (Laos) watching FRIENDS, feeling sorry for myself as I was mega hungover and didn't wake up until 2pm. I had been out the night before and as the clock turned 12 was getting free drinks in the bars. I walk home in a thunder storm, crawl across the bridge as I was scared as it was rickety (a nice Lao person helped me) and then fell over a bit more, cut my lip open, met my neighbour and slept with him. We were up until 8.30am and I woke up feeling worse for wear and ashamed with myself as I didn't actually like him that much. I did drink through the hangover though. At first I decided I was going to go back to my guest house, have a shower and read a book in my room on my own. Then I told myself I was being stupid so went back got showered and went out again. Getting more free drinks and drinking through the hangover.

This year I will be on the placement I don't want to be doing. No lie in. I am not even telling them on placement that it's my birthday. I always think this year it will be different and I look forward to my birthday from about Xmas until about middle May.

Then I remember

1) I am going to be a year older and have still not achieved anything in life, as by this age I expected to be married, have a couple of kids, be in a stable job and have my own nice house to live in. At my age my Mum was married with 3 kids and they lived in a nice house in a reasonable area etc etc etc. But, I suppose I should think myself lucky that I do have my parents and brothers still. At 26 my Mum lost her Dad in an accident, he was only 52. I can't remember him as I was only 1 when he dies. But I should think myself lucky that I do still have both parents and they are quite supportive of me still living at home while I am doing my Masters.

Do you ever wish you could turn back time to about when you were 12 and have done things differently. I do all the time. 12 is my time to go back, read previous posts and you will understand why. I don't like directly talking about it so I won't! I would be like Erica in Being Erica. You know, change a regret and then go back to the time you are in now. I do wonder though if I would have been better never having met Gom? And really, I am not sure if I would have, if those events that happened when I was 12 I would not have been working at the pub I was working at as we wouldn't have move house. So I wouldn't have been out with a work friend that night and possibly not have met him. And as much as I go on about hating him I do have a lot to be thankful for from him.

Another regret would be the first time I self harmed. I remember it clearly. If I could go back to then and handle things differently I would never have done it. I wonder what I would be doing now though if I hadn't self harmed. As what made me consider social work was the lovely social worker I used to see who was amazing, and oh yeah, I had a crush on him.

I think maybe if none of those events occurred I would probably be doing medical nursing as was a career I toyed with a few times as I went through school and even as recently as a couple of years ago. When this whole thing with uni was kicking off my Mum said to me that she wasn't sure I was doing the best thing for me and my own sanity. I said that I couldn't do a boring job where I didn't get job satisfaction and she suggested going down the medical nursing side. She even said I could still do medicine. Growing up it was my dream to be a doctor. It kind of still is. But, I don't fancy another 6 years at uni. I would have to do some kind of foundation year in something like biomedical science which I should be able to get on to as my degree is a BSc and then do medicine after. But, I don't want to be an eternal student. I want to work. And, I don't think I could work hard enough. I am average. I am average as I don't try as hard as I should do. And medicine and being average just don't go together.

And 2) I really don't like organising anything as it seems as though although people like me they would rather have teeth pulled than maybe change a work day ( she was working the Saturday), make a slight effort to drive 40miles to come to a FREE BBQ where all they were expected to bring was their own supply of booze (and yes, I have travelled for other peoples birthday things) or be too busy to even let me know if they can come or not. Then usually the people that are going to come are a mix match of people from different friendship groups who don't seem to want to mix with each other as they may catch some awful air borne disease if they breath the same air. So I try and go between the two etc etc etc.

You can probably tell from reading this I am kinda pissed off with my so called friends. But, I should not have expected any better really. Maybe it's me being childish. Maybe it's me as I don't make an effort to go out with them anymore. But why should I go out to places I hate just so I can see them. I thought I was a good friend but maybe I am not. I am trying to think about what it could be that I have done, or what it is about me that people don't like enough to attend the thing I had organised for my birthday. Is it me? Do I come across as someone who is selfish and not a good friend?

Please tell me if I am doing something wrong. Or if perhaps I am being childish, or do I need to change my attitude?

Please comment on this one!!!!!!

Wednesday, 15 June 2011


I was sitting there with my phone in my hand. I was waiting to go to a tutorial, I knew I shouldn't have been parked where I was so was leaving it until the last minute before I had to go. I suppose I was pushing it, parking outside the security office in a permit holder area only.

Any way. I was thinking "I really don't want to go to counselling today. I can't be bothered, what's the point". But I didn't want to say "I can't come as I can't be bothered". So I was sitting there (notice I was sitting not I was sat, as I was sitting is proper English innit right) thinking what I could write in a message, when. "beep" my message tone.

"Hi GP, really sorry it's short notice but I have to cover the drop in today and so can't make the session".

Was she reading my mind. Freaky. She has asked me if I am free in the day at any point before our next session which is the 6th of July. I said not. Not technically a lie. I will have study days on this 20 day placement but I am not sure when they are yet, and, as the title says STUDY days.

Maybe a break will give me a fresh look at it all. I hope so. Or do I. I've met this guy, Vince, and I quite like him. So now I am wanting to pull away even before we go anywhere as I don't want to do the explaining of the scars. I think I am going to go to my doctor and ask for a referral to this Red Cross thing and get the make-up to cover them up. I want to go swimming. OK, I am self conscious in a cossie but it makes it even worse in a cossie with massive scars all over your legs. One of my local pools does a deep water aerobics which is held in the dive tank. It sounds kinda fun, but there is no way I'll go while the scars are like this.

So I think I have about 3 weeks off  now. I am going to take the time to think about things and see if I do want to continue with the counselling.

Oh, and my cockyness paid off. I didn't get clamped or even a warning. Jammy me!

Fat Club - 3rd Weigh In. Also...the 1st date and other bits and bobs.

Not a good week.

Weight at Start - 17stone 0
Weight last week - 16stone 9
Weight this week - 16stone 10
Loss/Gain - Gain of 1lb.
Total Loss - 4lb

I am not happy. I knew it wouldn't be a good week but to put on weight. I am pretty miffed. I knew I wouldn't lose much if any. But to put on. I am quite upset by it. I know this week I need to measure what I have. Measure the meat etc. Not snack on goodies. I don't think I went over my points last week. I know Saturday was awful with the drinking and then Sunday I was snacking. OK, it wasn't awful but I did eat loads. So this week I am going to try and not use my weekly allowance. I have an essay to do and I hope that I  can get that written over the weekend and not drink loads. Not drinking loads means no hang over and no hang over cravings.

So here's to a good next week.

On to other news. I went on that date last night. I really liked him and seems as though he liked me. We are going to see each other again at the weekend. I told him he had to plan it and think of something cheap and cheerful. I now feel even more stupid for cutting myself. It's going to take about 6 weeks to heal. Also, I was thinking of going to the doctors and asking about that red cross scar cover up stuff as I am starting to get conscious of them. I didn't tell him about the scars but I think I'll have tp spin him a story if things go well between us. I do quite like him and he seems normal which I am surprised at, as usually the guys you meet off line are a little odd.

I have an appointment with Sam in a couple of hours. I really don't want to go. I didn't used to be that bothered by the appointments but I really don't like going now. I don't like being challenged. I know it's all part and parcel of counselling but I don't like it. It's changed also. Before I would just talk about what I wanted to talk about and would usually only mention self harm but she seems to be focussing more on the self harm now and I find it so difficult.

I decided I am not going to mention Saturday night when I cut. I don't really have a lot to say to her. I really do think I am going to have to stop with counselling and everything and manage on my own. Perhaps I would be better on my own. I can't see any benefits really since I started all this.

I suppose I have a couple of weeks to think about it after today. I have 2 weeks off. Yay! But, what does worry me is if I decide I do want to carry on I have about 2 weeks after my 2 weeks off and then she is off for the summer school holidays.

I've had enough of it all now.

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Date Night

I'm going on a date tonight.

It's with a guy I met online. I am not over bothered about him. He sounds too sensitive. I am really laid back when it comes to dating and to be honest I can't be bothered with the whole dating thing. So, that whole thing makes it seem as though I am not interested. I don't like dating.

I am slightly nervous in case I like him and he doesn't like me. Or if he stands me up or something like that. I suppose I ought to make an effort. I suppose I should just go with it.

I have text my friends and have them on stand by in case it all goes wrong.

Fingers crossed.

Monday, 13 June 2011


My friend text me today. She was taken to hospital Saturday night as someone threw a bottle at her and it hit her on the head. Result was her going to the ED. She said what time she was there etc. I didn't really think much of it. Just worried for her as it's a noticeable scar, or it will be when it heals. She kept asking and asking me if things were ok and then suddenly I clicked. I got home from the ED at about 5.30am. She was there at that time. She must have seen me.

So, I keep telling her that things are going great and then I get another message from her

"Are you sure you are ok? I saw you in the ED just before 5. I was about to be treated so couldn't speak to you and boyfriend was with me so didn't want to put you on the spot. I hope you feel you can say if something is wrong".

"Shit". Just what did she see and where? So after about an hour I had made some story up. Hoping she hadn't seen anything. I thought about saying I was there with someone else after a night out but I knew what I was wearing (joggers and a t-shirt) that that wouldn't go down. So I said that I had been sick and there was quite a bit of blood in it. I called NHS Direct and they advised me to go down to the ED. I then made up some story about how it was from my operation and the tubes being in my throat and being sick had caused a small tear. She asked me what had made me sick and I said some kind of allergic reaction. So she asked to what. I racked my brains what I have eaten with her before and am not likely to eat again and I said "clams". She was really questioning me over it. I could tell she doesn't believe me. She knows I self harm. She knows things are pretty shit but I wasn't going to tell her that.

I was worrying that she would have seen me while I was with the paramedics or when I was talking to a nurse when I was on the stretcher. But luckily not. She said she saw me on the phone in the entrance. Weirdly, I had a horrible feeling while I was there and I didn't want to walk through the department to get out so I went round a different corridor. I saw Bitch Nurse but I don't think she saw me. But I had this horrible feeling I didn't want to walk through the waiting area to get out. Turns out I was right. If I had have done she would have probably grabbed me there and asked what was going on and I wouldn't have been able to lie about it.

She kept asking me questions like why I wasn't in the main area. I said I was in a cubicle as I was throwing up and they didn't want me in the waiting area throwing up in front of other people as not nice for them. I said they gave me anti sickness pills while I was there which worked and told to go to my GP if I have any more problems.

I don't like lying but I am not prepared to tell anyone. As I said before I wouldn't give them my last name as I didn't want it on my medical records. I am glad she didn't approach me and it wasn't earlier as someone may have noticed and asked her what my last name was. It was a close call really. But I don't want it on my records. I am not going to tell Sam about it even. I can't see the point!

Bed time for me now. Another day of boring lectures tomorrow!


Sunday, 12 June 2011

And Again

That post I wrote in the early hours of this morning needs more explanation.

Basically I ended up cutting last night. I don't know why. It came from no where. The decision was made and I did it. I had had a drink so maybe it was that and it stopped any self control I had.

I did end up going to the ED as someone saw me. I didn't cut at home. I went to the local park and someone saw me and the ambulance came. I said I didn't need to go but they said if I didn't go they would call the police. I was scared of being put on a 136 again.

I feel quite ashamed by my behaviour last night. Fit Nurse was on. The one on first name terms with. I embarrassed myself. I don't know why I just didn't keep quiet but I was telling him about Bitch Nurse, and used her first name. So he knows exactly who I was on about. I must have come across as someone who just abuses NHS services. I did say that I had not cut since January and that was the last time I had to go as of self harm. I was saying it like it was something I should be proud of and making it seem as though it wasn't as bad as I hadn't been there since January. I am so ashamed by my behaviour. And I really didn't need to go there. I actually stabbed myself in the leg with a scalpel blade. It went all the way in. In my own stupid state I fished it back out also. The wound itself is not bad and all they did was clean it. But I think I have gone through muscle as it is quite painful. It's hard trying to walk without a limp. It's not as though I can blame my ankle as it's the wrong leg.

I feel so ashamed. I shouldn't have cut. I don't know why I gave in last night. Is it stress? Is it the situation with my friends? Oh and they have no idea I feel like this either. They have no idea I am pissed off and upset by them. So it's a whole one sided thing. And, no one has emailed me or anything saying they were sorry I had cancelled my birthday plans.

I feel quite down today. I think it is because I am feeling let down with myself over last night. Not so much the cutting but my behaviour. I refused to give a full name. I hope they didn't figure it out. I don't want it on my medical records. That's why I refused to give full details. They asked me if I wanted to talk to someone and I said no. I didn't want to talk to crisis team. And, as I said I don't want it on my medical records. I don't want the Psychiatrist finding out. I am not even going to talk to Sam about it. I am not going to let anyone know. When the doctor was asking me about my thoughts and if I wanted to kill myself I refused to answer her also. I was a fool last night and I am appalled by my own behaviour!

What bothers me is the fact that whilst I was cutting it felt amazing. Am I going back down the cutting route? I thought the letting was stopping me from cutting. Maybe it's not.

I am having a PJ, feeling sorry for myself day today. I have been lying on my bed most the day watching re-runs of casualty. Tomorrow I am in Uni all day. Just hope this bloody weather stops. It is supposed to be summer, yet I am freezing and it's pissing it down with rain.



Stupid me cut. I say stupid it was good.

 I have been to ED as more of a stab than a cut.

 Going to get some sleep now.


Friday, 10 June 2011

Paying For Services

I wish that I paid for the services I receive. That way I would have a valid reason about stopping. That I can't afford it.

I have had counselling in the past and I was paying for it. So when it got that I didn't want to do it any more I could use lack of funds as and excuse. I was paying £30 per hour. That was the student rate. It should have been £50.

But, the more and more I think about it the more I don't want to do it anymore. I know. I do still let. But I can control it. I know it may go out of my control as Beth was saying on Tuesday. She said when I first started cutting I could control it quite well but got to stage where I couldn't. So this may happen with the letting.

I think what I don't like about all this work etc that I am doing is being told that I can't or wont be able to do something. Who the fuck are they to tell me that. Also, it kinda feels like too many people are involved. And too may people are getting together and discussing me. First Nurseman Mike calling in Crisis Team (after a lengthy discussion with the PDoc. I think Mike wants me sectioned!!!!!

Then Dr T talking to everyone. Dr T talking to Sam. Dr T having "discussions" about me and how a MH Assessment may be on the cards. Dr T discussing me in meetings about Support workers. Being discussed in meetings about what I do and they probably think they all know the answers. Being discussed in supervision between Sam and clinical psychologist (CP) whom I was referred to. Then Beth (My CPN) wanting to have a meeting with Sam and CP to talk about me again. I don't want these people talking about me anymore. I don't want these discussions anymore. I don't want people talking about me. It's not that I am worried what they will say behind my back. OK, I am a little. Sam generally tells me most things that are going on. Well I say that and I bet she is still having meetings about me.

I don't want it going on behind my back, but I don't want to be involved with it anymore. I don't want them talking when I am there either. I don't want it anymore.

I want to walk out. I know Catherine has said what would you say if it was a patient and you were working. Well. I feel now that I can never go back in to that job. I know on the face of it how it all looks. But look more deeper at my thoughts and feelings and as a worker I wouldn't be able to say anything. Seriously!

I would start off with all the shebang about needing help and rah rah rah rah. I would probably, may, possibly (I don't know) discount my own feelings. But no one knows how it feels deep inside.

I know that I don't want this anymore. It's too hard and I feel I have so much shit going on that this can be filed and put away.

Also, I am not planning on being here from mid August onwards. So why even try?



Yet again I am disappointed. I don't know why I bother.

It's my birthday in a couple of weeks. So, I thought I know, it's summer it will be nice to have a BBQ and have my friends over. I was thinking about others in that I didn't want people to spend loads of money and I don't have money so thought it would be nice. So I make a Facebook event and invite friends from Uni and friends who I have known a while. Out of about the 25 people I invited 8 people said they would come. And then, when you have people who say they will come they never do.

What bothers me is that I make an effort to go to other people's things. I have been away usually once a year for someones birthday which costs me a fortune. And it usually means re arranging other things. But it seems as though no one wants to make the effort for me. People have already arranged to be going away that weekend (when they know fully well it's my birthday and they are supposed to be my friend). Bloody hell. I sound a bit young don't I?

I know I shouldn't be upset. After all I am going to be 27. People have plans etc. But what gets me and what upsets me is I give over 6 weeks notice that I am planning on doing something. And then they go and make other plans. And, if it was another of their birthday they always change their plans etc to fit in around. It's not like I am asking much. Bring a bottle of wine and maybe about 10quid in taxis. £15. It's not exactly the £100 and more that it costs to go somewhere for the night. I feel quite let down by them.

Any way. Because I always end up getting upset by my birthday, hence why I made sure I was away for it last year, I have decided to cancel what I had planned and have asked my brothers and my mum if we can go out for a meal together. But I am not even sure if my brother will as he is moving house the next day.

Not family related but what is it with friends. I thought I was a nice person. I thought I was a good friend. I do good things for other people. I know it's childish but I can't help but be upset by it.

I am more upset by this than I am by finding out Gom was planning his wedding to LD. Either that says I am closer at getting over Gom or I am being childish about this whole thing with friends.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

Thinking of Quitting

I don't really want to be in therapy anymore. I can't see where I a going with it and I have started to feel uncomfortable in sessions. I used to be ok and I could open up but I don't feel that way anymore.

I also don't want to see Beth or Dr T any more.

I feel as though I am not getting anywhere. Things are no different now than they were when it all started. I have been seeing someone 7-9 months now and I don't feel as though things have changed. So what's the point? I don't like making my private thoughts open for every one to share. Also. Beth has said she wants to meet up with Sam and also the clinical psychologist so they can all work together. And, I know I shouldn't feel it but with all these people involved I am feeling as though I am being ganged up on. I am also feeling bad as Sam is nothing to do with NHS yet they keep pulling her in to things about me. It's not right. I feel as though I am taking too many of the organisations resources as she must be spending quite a bit of time on me. More than other people who just go to see her for an hour a week.

And, there is probably a waiting list for the service. I don't want to stop the blood letting and when I cut it is planned and usually with an OD and all part of a plan of trying to kill myself. Or if it's not it doesn't happen that often. I have got the blood letting and that has stopped me cutting. I haven't cut since January. I use that instead. So I feel as though I am being selfish as there may be someone who is waiting who actually wants to stop self harming and I am taking up a space.

Am I being rational? Can you see my point?

I need advice here please.


Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Fat Club - 2nd Weight In + Meeting with CPN


Weight at Start 17stone.
Weight Now - 16 st 9 pounds
Weight Loss this week - 3 pounds
Total Loss - 5 pounds

I'm quite happy that I managed three pounds this week. It's working quite well this diet as I am not really trying. I am just swapping crap for fruit. And when I feel like I want to eat to comfort myself I will still but it will be a banana. I can't get enough of banana's. They have a comfort side to them. Although, I think I am spending more money on fruit than I was on crap. This eating healthy is not cheaper.

Like today. I went to the CO-OP and got some tinned grapefruit as thought that would be nice liquidised in with my pineapple and oranges, tinned pineapple, oranges, bananas and raspberries and it was £7. Fruit is not cheap.

So I am hoping that I will get my half a stone next week.

On to the next thing on the agenda.

Had my meeting with Beth the CPN today. I left feeling crap. I think a lot of the reason I feel so shit after any appointments is I don't like to be told how I am feeling. It is quite demeaning. And frustrating.

She wanted me to go in to detail about the last time that I tried to kill myself. So I told her about how back in January I knew my parents were away for a long weekend or however long it was and wanted to use that as an opportunity. I explained how I had been planning it for ages. I brought in alcohol, as I may as well go out pissed. I like to feel pissed but anyway. I said I had been planning it a while. I explained how I took an OD but not all of what I had and cut my legs really badly. I explained how I didn't know how I ended up locked in the office but my plan was to finish taking all the pills and go somewhere else and ligate. I know OD's don't get you right away and it is a long drawn out process but I wanted to cover all bases. I woke up on the floor of the office locked in. I don't even remember going in to the office. I explained to her how I went to the ED. She asked me why. I explained how I didn't go as of the OD. I didn't even tell them about it. I went because my leg was hurting and I wanted it stitching up as anything I wore was pressing on it and making it painful.

Beth said that if I really wanted to die I wouldn't have gone to the ED. And that I would have taken what else I had left that morning when I woke up. I tried to explain to her that I don't want to die at home. I don't want that for my parents. So being as though it was the middle of the day, that is why. Also, I plan my attempts in advance. It's not about how I am feeling at the time when I do it. It is my over all feelings. I didn't say this to her but, like now I am pretty stable at the moment. In that my mood is neither in my boots or is it in the trees. Yet, I know at some point it is going to change. I know, everyone has good times and bad times. But mine aren't like that. If it was just the normal feelings that everyone else got I would be able to deal with it. But it's not. And when I say everyone else I mean like people who have not had MH issues in the past. I want to make you understand I am not saying I can't cope with being a little sad as my pet dies, but it's big sad. It takes over my life. It's not like just being a little sad and being able to cope with it. I can deal with things when I know what has caused them. So, if I do feel sad because something happens I can attribute my feelings to that and deal with it. Deal with it like a rational, normal person.

It's the not knowing. The ones when it comes on from no where. Why I don't have reason to be feeling like I do, the ones where I should be feeling happy as things are going great. But for some reason, whether it be chemical, hormonal, emotional I am not. And that's another thing. When I feel like this I can't see any reason why I do. To me it comes from no where. All around me I have people telling me it has to be because of something. Well, does it? What if it is hormonal or chemical? They don't seem to want to even consider that! Anyway, I was off on one there...

But what I was saying is, it doesn't matter how I feel when I make those plans. It is the not knowing and the not wanting to go on not having control over it. I don't want these cycles all the bloody time. That is why I plan in advance, that is why I take what opportunities I am given. Like now, pretty stable but planning my own death again!

Anyway, I told Beth about that attempt on the Thursday night and how and why I didn't try on the Friday straight away. I did however try on the Saturday night. I took an OD again hoping that the pills I took would mess with my blood sugar, I cut and I did manage to make it out the house this time and I went to a quiet car park and ligated. I explained how someone must have seen me stagger, or there was CCTV and I am taken to hospital.

She seemed to think that this was an impulsive act. The second one. It was and it wasn't I suppose. It was as a result of the failure of the Thursday night and it was another go at it. She didn't seem to comprehend that making an attempt is knackering. That is takes so much energy and when you have failed you feel deflated and depressed. Too depressed to go about trying again. I said how I had felt like this for a while and one night there was an impulsive act where by I went to the Bridge and ended up on a 136. That was impulsive. That was because I was pissed and saw something. I also said to her how I would have never had jumped as I am too scared and that would not be one of my methods as I am a chicken and it was cold and I couldn't be sure it would work straight away and I don't want to go by drowning.

I just feel at appointments I am fighting my corner all the time. I come out feeling deflated. Maybe it's because I don't think about it that much before and I never know what to say. I struggle to articulate how things have been or how I feel about something.

I hate the way everything is about feelings. I don't feel anything. Not really. OK, at the moment I am feeling stressed. I have a shed load of uni work to be doing and no motivation. I am having doubts about my own ability for the course and so that makes me feel a bit shit. But, I know why that is making me feel crap. Who wouldn't if you were doubting your own ability.

All I know is at the moment I don't want to live in these cycles. I don't know when they are going to come. I don't know how long they will be there for or how they will go away. I don't like being told that there must be some emotion kicking it all off. Not necessarily. Grrrr.

We talked more about crisis resolution and the Crisis Team and how I would not contact them and why. I mentioned the going for a walk, have a bath thing and how I hated it.

To be honest I think all this therapy and psych input is a waste of time. I don't care about the blood letting. It's not an issue to me. OK, it's self harm, but it's nothing major to me. The other self harm is very often planned so far in advance that Crisis Team could do fuck all. By the time I have made up my mind there is no going back. I don't have crisis'. I make my decision and that is it. I don't have the feelings of needing to self harm as the blood letting takes this away. If I had the feelings of needing to then maybe I could see a point. The cutting I do because I enjoy it. So why would I have a crisis about that. The OD'ing; planned in advance. Again no crisis.

I don't think anyone can help me. I don't think I want help anymore. It just seems to land me in trouble anyway. I am fed up with it all and can't see the point with it all anymore. I am only doing it to keep them happy. But it makes me feel worse. I think I need to stop everything!

Sunday, 5 June 2011

One Husky Mama

Gom is engaged. I found out last night. How do I feel? Well I saw it coming. I'll write more about this but first what led up to me finding out.

I went out last night with uni girls. Decent bars and lots of men. We ended up in my favourite club as it is an Indie Disco type place. Brilliant. I never get to go there as my normal friends don't like it. I love it. And it's always full of really hot men. Anyway, so we were there. I met a few nice men. I sat with a couple outside while I was having a cig and went on to tell them that as there was such a big age difference between him and his brother, he was 40 his brother was 23, and the other siblings were around the same age that he was probably an accident. Yeah. I have a way with the guys don't I? I was only joking with him and he did find it quite amusing. They brought me a drink also.

So, back downstairs and I meet another guy, we talked, we kissed and we had a drink. I don't really remember what happened to him. I don't know if I decided I'd had enough, or if I went to the loo and got distracted on the way back. More dancing with the girls and I meet another guy. I quite liked him. We danced, we kissed, we drank. We left the club went to the bar next door as I thought it would be quieter. He kept asking me to go home with him but I said no. I was a good girl. Also, he was really pissed. And I seemed to be the one who was the one in control. If it was the other way around and I had have been not really knowing what I am doing the bloke would have been seen to be possibly taking advantage of a pissed girl. So, I said we would go to the 24hour place and get soft drinks and woop his ass at pool. As we were queuing to go in he grabbed a guy who was already in there. It turned out to be Gom's ex best mate. My friends boyfriend, Jack.

Turns out he was out in a group with him. Then I got chatting to his mates and they said they were going back to Jack's flat which is a penthouse flat and did I wanna go back with them. At this point the guy I was with had gone and I said why not. I knew Jack and so thought his mates would be ok. It was as we were walking back that we were talking and found out that one of the guys knew Gom quite well and he was telling me how he was all busy planning his wedding. I was like, what? He's engaged. And the guy was like you didn't know?

We walked back holding hands but that was it. He was well fit, but he had a live in girlfriend. He kept trying it on but I was having none of it. I said to him that if I was her and he was my bloke I would  be upset by his behaviour. He then went on to tell me about his online girlfriend in Denmark also. Nice guy!

So how am I feeling about all of this. Surprisingly ok. I am going to sound like a bitch now. But...

She is nothing compared to me. I don't like to blow my own trumpet but I am pretty. Ok, overweight but I can change that and I am doing. I have a big personality and know what I want and what I don't. I have aspirations in life and I am doing a Masters so that I can get a meaningful job and do something with my life. I am good fun. People say I am fun to be around and interesting. Now compare this to someone who is not that good looking. As I said before she looks as though there is something not quite right with her. I think she may also be a bit on the podgy side. So I win on looks! Lol. Ok I am a bitch but I am not going to stop.

From what people have said about her she is dull and boring. She has nothing about her and her favourite topic of conversation is what goes on in the City Centre shopping mall's car park. She doesn't have a job that is going anywhere and from what people have said has no aspirations to do anything else. Jack was really slagging her off last night saying how boring she is and he is considering dumping Gom as a friend as he really can't stand LD.

Now the way I feel is. I am not that person. I don't want to be that person and I will never be that person. If that is what Gom wants then we were obviously best off out of it. If that is what is making him happy then let him have it. If she had been drop dead gorgeous and my other friends liked her and she was a different person then I would feel differently. If, she was like me I would feel differently. But she is the total opposite to me.

Ok, I am not with anyone at the moment. But, as you can see from what I have written I am having a whole heap of fun. I spent most of my 20's with Gom. I am enjoying the rest.

Jack was saying last night that I was looking good. He could tell I had lost weight. When Gom and I broke up I was around 19stone. Just not being with him made me lose weight without even trying that much. Jack's friend seemed to think so also. They said they couldn't believe I was with Gom for so long as I am fun, and they couldn't picture us together.

I wasn't supposed to find out Gom was engaged. Gom had told Jack he couldn't even tell his girlfriend Neve incase she told me. Why would he even be bothered? I find it odd. Forget about me and move on.

If I was him and happy with someone else; like he must be if he is getting married to her, then I wouldn't think about his feelings. Why wouldn't he want me to find out? Weird. Or am I just reading too much in to it... please if you have read this far would you comment your thoughts on this.

So I am a husky thing at the moment. I have lost my voice. It's so weird. The past couple of days I was in agony with my throat as of the operation. I think they bruised my throat with the tubes or something. I have been in so much pain with it that I have been in tears. Every time I swallowed it was like someone stabbed me in the neck. The pain isn't as bad now, but I have lost my voice. I have never lost my voice before so I am finding it quite amusing. I was having the piss taken out of me last night.

I had a really good night last night. Even hearing about the engagement didn't ruin it. I am a little upset, who wouldn't be, but I know I am better than her! I really am a bitch aren't I. I sort of feel if that is what he wants and that is what makes him happy I deserve better.

Please comment on this as I would love to hear other peoples views on this!

Saturday, 4 June 2011

I Went East

Transferring my blog over to here a bit at a time...

Nearly Packed...

I have nearly packed. I didn't realise how hard it would be to get 3 months in to one bag. Obviously I plan on doing washing and not taking 3 months worth of new clothes. But those who know me will know I can not travel light. It is a near possibility. I take a suitcase when I go for one night somewhere, so then tell me I have to get a variety of clothes in a bag that I need to carry for 3 months and we have a slight problem. Those who have ever been anywhere with me then they will also know before going anywhere I change outfits about 3-4 times.

I have reluctantly given up on the hairdryer...big frizzy hair here I come! But I really can not think of things I can cut down on. My mum said she will help me cut down on things. I am not giving up shoes, and I need my 3 pairs of trousers, 3 pairs of leggings. Is 10 t-shirts excessive? Maybe I don't need all the dresses/tunics, and the purple silk dress? But dam it. I have brought them I will dam well wear them! Arghhhh!!!! I don't like this whole packing malarky!!!!! I have a weight limit to be under though. And I would like some space just incase I buy anything. Unlikely as money will be tight!

Anyone fancy being my own personal porter? No money paid but you will get the pleasure of my company. Maybe the odd moan.

How the hell am I going to manage?

5th Apr 2010

Made it and cor blimey it is rather warm!

I made it. After over 24 hours of travel I made it to Bangkok. My body clock is really messed up and trying to stay up til later and go to bed at a normal time so that I can get used to it quickly. It will mean though that I have not slept since Saturday night and that was only for 4 hours, Think I am running on excitement of being here though. Staying in the main backpacker area of the Khao San Road. Loads of tourists but it has a really nice vibe to the area. The flight was pretty uneventful apart from when checking in the guy asked where my Visa was as return is not until 1st July and to stay here 3 months you need to apply in advance apparentely. Anyway after nearly having a heart attack and getting worried I'd be back in Nottingham by Sunday night I remembered that I had printed off my internal flight confirmations for the flight to Vietnam. Luckily it was all ok. Then I was worried at this end the Thai authorities would be a bit questionning of my plans etc, but there was nothing. He stamped my passport and waved me through.

We were delayed slightly. We were put on the plane and were told there was technical problems which would take about 50 mins to sort out. So sat there with nothing to do. Then from Abu Dhabi were also delayed as another flight we were waiting on was also delayed. So hit Bangkok rush hour traffic! Oh joy!

I can't get over how quiet this place seems. I remember it being really noisy and awful. But comparing it to Mumbai and Delhi it's country driving. They don't incestently beep their horns and they just sit out the traffic jam. Seems so peaceful compared to India.

Spent about an hour looking for a room that was not extortionate or really horrible. Paying about 6pounds a night for a fan room which is more than I want to be paying but it is Bangkok so is slightly more expensive than everywhere else. It's ok though. Sharing a bathroom but it's a massive bed in a spacious clean room. The bathrooms are really clean also. One I looked at was gross. It was a single bed in the tiniest darkest room. Imagine the film The Beach at the beginning where he was in Bangkok and that was basically it. It's quite weird being back here. It's 6 years since I was here last but I remember where I stayed and how things were.

It is sooooooo hot! According to this is is 36c and's not. It is nearer to 40c and sunny. The cold shower was lovely. Don't need hot water when it is like this. I am a shiny freak at the moment. Need to get used to the heat.

So far being on my own is ok. Ok, I know I have only been here 7 hours but I've met some people already. Although they did seem to only talk about how wasted they have been getting and how off their faces on mushrooms and other stuff that could put you in a nice Thai prison for eternity. Seemed rather young in their approach to things.

Just went for a really nice lunch. Thai green curry with loads of veg in. With 2 drinks and the curry and rice it was just over 2pounds. Nom nom nom!

Not sure what I am going to do next whether or not I am leaving tomorrow and going further north or hanging around here. I need to leave my passport with the embassy while they process my visa which takes about 3-4 working days. I need to find out if I can leave bangkok really. If not I will probably move away from KSR area as is quite over priced. Want to visit a few places near by but also want to go to the north. I suppose I could always do that once Rach has returned home.

Will blog again soon when I have actually done something of interest!

Friday, 3 June 2011


I am just reading through my old blog about when I was travelling. I will transfer it all over to here at some point but I just had to copy and paste this that I had just read that I had written. It made me smile remembering it.

1) Who says you can't get as much on a motorbike as in a car...

- I have seen up to 5 people on one motorbike... a kid standing in front of the driver, the driver, his wife, another child and a babe in arms. Yup...the new family vehicle. My tour guide to the tunnels said it is law that you have to wear a helmet and usually everyone does, but it is also the law that you can have 2 adults and one child (under the age of 6) on one bike....he did say that the police usually tend to forget this law.

2) A motorbike is as good as a van with a roof rack...

- I've seen it all. Today alone I have seen

a) the passenger carrying a car windscreen between him and the driver (that would have made a bloody mess if they crashed).

b) A MASSIVE HUMONGOUS pig in a pen. The pig was the biggest I have ever seen. Must have weighed 300kg easily. This was some how attached to the bike seat where the passenger sits.

c) A man had tied approx 10metre long bamboo rods (think they were scaffolding poles) and was towing them behind him. There were about 5 of them and he had just tied one end to the seat and about 10metres behind him they were trailing on the ground.

3) A motorbike can be used in all weather conditions...

- They just don a poncho and bring their knees up under their chin and carry on riding. Or put an umbrella up hold that with one hand and steer with the other. These aren't super strong umbrellas that don't turn inside out with a bit of wind either. So to compensate that they usually just ride with in in front of their faces!

Also, I saw people riding through water that was knee deep.

4) It's not hard to ride a motorbike...
- just ask the guy who was reading his newspaper while on the highway.

5) The women here do not like the sun at all and would rather die of heat exhaustion than the sun get on their skin...

- Most women here when out and about wear thick white/tan stockings even with flip flops, they wear a surgical mask (although think this is to do with pollution also), gloves, scarves, and hoodies. And it's 30c+. They also wear sunglasses even when it's pouring rain.

Some Of My Favourite Photos.

 Paris is one of my most favourite places in the world. I have been 4 times and want to go again soon. These are a few of my favourite Paris pictures.
The first place I always go to is Sacre Couer. I just love it there. I love the church the atmosphere and also Montmatre around the back. These photos are Sacre Couer or around Montmatre.

These photos are also of Paris.

This photo was taken in the main Cemetery. I know the name just not how to spell it. I like how I have captured two people walking away with their arms around each other.

This photo is in a shopping centre in Paris. I love the Christmasyness of it all.

Notre Dam

Most people when they think of Paris the first thought that comes to mind is the Tour de Eiffel, or in English, The Eiffel Tower. A tower recognised throughout the world.

And Finally of the Paris photos...

I have also been to India a couple of times and these are some from my last trip there in 2009.

This was taken on Varkala Beach. If you look closely you can see stray dogs under the sun lounges getting shade from the intensive heat.

This is the beach in Goa. It was a lovely beach and it was quiet as it was out of season when we went.

This was in Kerala on the backwaters. The were beautiful. I like this pic. Especially as I was just holing the camera up and pointing it behind me without looking. It's a shame that I have caught my hair in it also though.

Last year I went travelling around South East Asia. I went to Thailand, Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia.

Although this is not an amazing photo I like it because it was the view from my little hut that I had in Ko Chang.

If you have seen the film The Beach with Leo DiCaprio you may recognise this beach. It was stunning. I would say it's the most beautiful beach I have even been to.

Railay Bay. Thailand

The Temples Surrounding Angkor Wat. Cambodia. Cambodia is the most amazing country I have been to. It amazes me how fast and their resilience to what happened there only 30 years ago. Such a brilliant place.

Vietnam was also an amazing place. They didn't like the Americans very much and the Americans that I met whilst there weren't too keen on Vietnam. However, I have nothing but good experiences (a part from taxi drivers trying to rip me off and arguing with them but that's pretty normal in Asia anyway. Well it was in my experiences). The Vietnamese were incredibly friendly. They would come up to me in restaurants just to talk to me. Another thing I liked about Vietnam was how Asian it was. I went there just after Thailand which I was disappointed with as it seemed to have lost a lot of it's culture and had got very seedy in the 6 years it had been since I had last been there.

Ha Long Bay.

The streets of Hanoi.

This was in Sa Pa. This is a hill region in north Vietnam. The people who lived here had a whole different culture to the rest of the Vietnam and they also had slightly different appearances. It was a lovely place and because it was so high up the change of climate was very welcome from the 40c humidity of the rest of Vietnam.

This is what tubing is. This photo although, not very clear reminds me of a day where I was laughing so much I was in pain. My friend and I were going down the river and we decided to stop at a bar but she didn't get out in time and we ended up miles away from each other. Tubing in Vang Vieng was amazing and I would recommend that although it's not typical Laos, it's so much fun and the scenery is lovely.

I went to Whitby in Yorkshire a few years ago and took so many pictures. These are a few of my favourites.


My favourite time of the day is sunset. So, funnily enough I love taking photos of sunsets. I have hundreds of them. Here are just a couple though.
This is at Reading Festival in 2009. I love this picture as it reminds me of summer.

This Photo was taken from Cafe Del Mar in Ibiza. Even though I have done lots of travelling all over the world this sunset was probably the best one I have seen. Cafe Del Mar had a soundtrack to the sunset which was perfect. It was timed to the second with the sun going away and it was amazing!

I don't know where I pulled this photo from. I have forgotten. I think it's a Thailand sunset but I am not sure.

I have got 100's and 1000's of photos. My friends have a nick name for me as I see everything through the lens of a camera. I take 1000's of photos. I wish I had an SLR and could edit. But these are what you see is what you get, I think I may have added a slightly red tint on a couple but I have not edited them.

I hope you like these photos.