Saturday, 25 December 2010


Well I have made it to 23.51 on the 25/12/2010 and I have managed not to become a blubbering wreck. I was dreading today. I really was. I don't like Xmas at the best of times. Yet this year I am sans boyfriend. I even got through my older aunty asking me..."have you got a new boyfriend yet"? She was quite shocked when I said "actually I don't want one". Then that leads me on to the question, do I want one? Well truthfully. Yes. Yes I do. I actually want Gom back. Stupid as it sounds and I know it would be stupid to have him back even if he did as I think my family would actually disown me. But I miss him so much. I have dreams about him nearly every night. Maybe, it's the being in a relationship I miss. But I miss him too. He was my best friend. I loved him. I love him! I hate him at the same time. At the same time I think it is being close to another man I miss. Yet then I wont even try and become close to another one. I am covered in scars and I really don't want to have to explain that to someone. There is kind of a guy at the moment. I actually quite like him but then I feel I just can't be bothered to put the effort in to a new relationship. I know I am going to have to explain the scars. Modern relationships are usually 3-6 dates then you sleep with someone. So how do you explain my scars. You can't. So do I make a guy wait until I feel ok to tell him what they are?

23.59... I am crying. I knew I wouldn't last the day.

I hate Xmas. Please cancel it next year!

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