Tuesday, 21 October 2014

I've Not SH

Not yet anyway. I want to. I am having issues around control at the moment. Making myself sick a lot. I want to cut. I want to blood let. Thoughts of suicide are prominent. The idea of stockpiling medication. Of stopping medication too. I can't see the point in it. I don't think it's working as it should be.

Today was the first day I have had in weeks where I could sit and do nothing and not feel bad about doing it. I have been working like mad on this course and on the assignment I am doing. I need more time for me. But, I don't have it. I don't think I can cope with the pressures of the course. I am not sure going back to college was the best thing for me to do. And, because I have these feelings I feel as though I am failing. I have tried to do something to try and get better and it's making me worse. I can't cope with it and it's making me feel like this. But, I can't not do it. To everyone on the outside they think I am doing well. They think I am ok. They don't know I have been stockpiling medication again. And I am just biding my time. I am making plans in case I need to fall back on them.

Then, I feel like I am defective. I haven't told anyone at college about my MH problems. I haven't really told them much about me at all. I don't want them knowing or seeing that weak side. I lost a lot of friends when I had to leave uni because of ending up in hospital. I suppose they weren't really friends to start with when no one contacted me. There were rumours going around about me, no one contacted me to see if I was ok. So, they obviously weren't friends were they?

I know I shouldn't, but I see my MH as a defective weak thing. I see myself as weak and abnormal. I don't want people knowing that.

Right now I am writing this to stop myself going and sticking my fingers down my throat and taking a needle to a vein. I feel like I need that release. I have already purged twice today. But, I don't feel relieved. I need to feel empty.

I have been feeling so low this last week or so. I feel deflated. Then I get in to the b/p spiral as I want to eat to comfort myself, so then I feel bad and need to get rid of it. Then because that only helps a little, I then want to do something that does help. Currently it is blood letting. I think that may help me feel better.

I am sick of these lows. They are consuming. I fear them. I fear them because when they arrive it takes over every waking second. The thoughts of ending my life get more frequent, dark thoughts consume me. And ok, they don't go on forever, but they come back again. And again. And again! It's a never ending circle.

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Struggles

G told me I am craving self harm as for me it's an addiction. So, one way to look at the urges are as a craving and to see them as a positive thing. Because, if I have an urge/craving, it means I haven't given in to it. Can kind of see his point. So, I told him to give up smoking and to when he wants one to enjoy that craving and see it as a positive thing as he is not doing something that is dangerous to his health.

I can kind of see his point. But, I don't like that way of looking at it.

The stubborn, angry person inside of me is thinking this whole thing is a load of bollocks. I can sit there and listen to him telling me that if I SH, it won't just be the once, it will become more frequent, I will give in to it easier next time, it then leads to me having suicidal feelings and my behaviour getting more and more risky. I know he's right, deep down the rational person inside of me knows that what he says makes sense and usually, those patterns do start. But, on the other hand I was sitting there, like an angry teenager thinking you don't know me, it's all a load of crap, I can do what I want, I can be in control and I can manage it. After Wednesday next week, it's OK for me to go and cut. It's OK for me to do it. I can do it just the once. I can be in control.

This part of me is winning at the moment. I have pretty much told myself that, after next Wednesday, if I still feel the same, then I will let myself cut. The short term gratification of cutting is winning. I haven't got a day set as to when I will allow myself to. But, it will be OK.

I feel as though I am all broken up in to separate parts. They don't merge together. I am finding it really hard.

I feel quite on my own at the moment. I have not formed any relationships with anyone on the course. In fact, I find everyone annoying and childish. I have these paranoid feelings that people are talking about me behind my back. The two people that I spend my time with, the two people are closest to my age, have become quite cliquey together. I don't know how much of it is a mask, but they are those over happy people. Use over exaggerated hand movements, do jazz hands a lot, and all of that type of annoying stuff. OK, writing this down makes it sound quite pathetic how I am feeling. It's their vibe, attitude etc that I find it all really annoying. The sniggering. All of that. I feel quite different from everyone. I know that I probably am not. OK, they won't have spent any or as much time in hospital. They won't act like I do. But, a lot of these people will have huge problems and be struggling as much as I am. I need to try and give people more slack. I need to stop thinking that no one else has ever had mental health problems and they don't understand it/me. Because, I am sure many of these people will.

But, then on the other hand, I am surrounded by kids. Many of them are still living sheltered lives. Don't understand mental health and see mental health and self harm as something crazy people do. Maybe, I am being a bit harsh. But, I can't help the way I feel. It annoys me that many of the people in the class probably don't want to be there. But, they have to be as they need to be in education or training of some form until they are 18/19. The course doesn't cost them anything and they have probably seen it as the easy option. So they chose that thinking it would be fun. Then, there's me who is paying over 5k a year to go to college to learn these new skills so that I can make something of myself. It just annoys me. I had my chance though. I did get my free education, I have been their age and did A Levels as I didn't want to work in a shitty job. I was 18 when I went to college. I got my A Levels that I didn't have to pay for. Then I went to uni to get my degree. So, I can't moan I suppose, I had my opportunity. But, saying that, I wasn't forced in to college etc. The government didn't say I had to be in education or training. Young people are choosing courses now because they have to be in education, and courses like I'm doing, are possibly seen as the easy option. So, that is tough. When you have people who don't really want to be there there, and I'm there and paying so much. It's annoying. I went to college and did A Levels because I wanted to be there, and everyone I was with also wanted to be there.

OK rant over.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

I'm An Awful Person!

It's probably jealousy. But, I am an awful person and I have had some horrible thoughts.

Someone told me their honeymoon got cancelled and I thought it was amusing.

Someone I know has just told me they are going to try for a baby. My initial thoughts were that I hoped they had problems conceiving. How awful is that? I should be happy for this person. But, I can't. I am jealous. I don't want her life to all fall in to place. Married and then have kids etc. I think it is because I am jealous. I want a baby more than anything. I really want children. But, I am too scared and don't really want to be in a relationship.

I can't really look after myself, so how would I look after a child. I know that I would never do anything to myself if I had a child and I would be responsible etc. But, it's not really right for me to bring another person in to the world when I can barely support myself, never mind have someone else relying on me. I know that I could make it work. But, at the same time I think I should probably wait until I have a stable income etc. I know I could make it work now. And, I know what I want to do career wise, it's not something that I couldn't do if I had children. So, I don't need to worry about getting successful in a career. I am scared that if I do wait until it is the "right time", I will be too old. I worry because of the PCOS and not having a proper cycle I won't be able to conceive. So, what happens if I wait a few years and then I can't. I will have lost my chance won't I?

I don't understand why I want children so much. I see pregnant people and I am jealous. I see people with nice well behaved children and I am jealous. I see people who are not really great parents and I am angry because I think that I could do much better. Or, I think I wouldn't speak to my child like that etc etc etc.

One main thing getting in my way at the moment is the lack of a man on the scene. Of course I would go and do the get pregnant after a casual relationship. But, I worry what people would think of me. And, I worry people will know I did it on purpose and they'll think I am a horrible person because I have used someone to get what I want and that then they are always going to be connected to me, even if they don't want to be as they will be the father. Even if they aren't Dad, they will be the father and will always be a presence, whether physical or not.

I think now a days, getting involved with a person who already has children, a single mother, doesn't come with the same stigma as it has done in the past. I think it's quite a common thing. SO that doesn't worry me too much. But, what if I had a child and then I met the perfect man and I wished I had waited. I don't think I would. If I did find this so called perfect man, we could always have more children, or at least he would be happy being a family even if the child wasn't his.

There are so many thoughts I have about this. I know I really want children and soon. But, I don't know what the thoughts are so consuming. Why?


Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Struggling

I am really struggling with this new life style. I am struggling to cope. I am not sure if I made the right decision. I am not sure if I can carry on coping. The work load is about twice as much as I expected. My life is consumed by what I am doing. I have no time for me. And the thing is, I can't give up anything. I don't want to stop going to spin classes and the gym because I really enjoy it. I need to continue to do it. I need to lose more weight, I need to have confidence. The exercise gives my mood a boost, so I need to make sure I make time for it. Also, I can't lose weight without exercising. And I need to do 60minutes high intensity cardio at least three times a week. I don't know what it is, but I seem to have been hovering around the same weight for the last few months. I can't seem to get any lower. I am watching what I eat, but the weight is not coming off. I am wondering if it is something to do with the PCOS. But that is something that is getting me low at the moment. So, in terms of everything I need to keep it up.

I need to see my friends (well friend, but that is a whole other blog in itself). I need to have my social activities etc. I suppose that doesn't need explaining as to why it's important.

Then, I have a group that I go to. I learn a lot from it and I can make connections. That is also important in terms of my career.

I feel I am consumed by college, and we're only 3 weeks in. I have been told the work load will increase. I am not sure if I am going to be able to manage it. I can't really now.

And, college is annoying me. I am learning a lot. But, each night before I  am due to go in I feel a sense of dread. I don't want to go. I just want to spend the day in bed instead. That's not a good sign is it.

A lot of the people on the course, I feel don't really want to be there. They have chosen it as the easy option because they have to be in education until they are 18. Or they are under 20, so can get access to a college course and do it and still get their benefits. They are disruptive, they turn up late, they just don't give a damn. And when you are trying so hard to keep a focus on something because I struggle with concentration anyway, and I am trying so hard just to keep a focus and you have people deliberately disruptive, being a class clown trying to get attention, it is so annoying. One girl today just kept shouting out, then breaking in to song for the sake of it, and I could hear her talking to another girl saying shall I shout that out about something stupid, a word or something that made her laugh.

Although, to be fair, I wonder if this girl has some kind of behavioural issues. She's 25 and acting like that. It's not a normal behaviour. My other theory is that she is trying to mask that she doesn't really know what she's doing and she's drawing attention to her behaviour rather than admit she needs more help. But, then wouldn't you once you had reached a certain level of maturity admit that you are struggling. There's no shame in asking for help.

There are a couple of nice people. But, I just find myself getting so annoyed by people. There's one lad who is lovely. So polite, speaks properly, acts like a gentleman etc etc etc. But, because he is like this people take the piss out of him. Why do people do that, why take the piss out of his nice character. People are so horrible at times.

So for me at the moment, my thoughts of suicide are in massive over drive. The self harm thoughts are pretty constant. But, I keep telling myself, I am going to a spa day in 4 weeks. If I cut (which is the massive urge) I will feel even more self conscious than I am already going to do. I need to hold out until after this day. Then I can cut. G said just tell myself it's just a thought. But, when I start to experience huge anxiety from it and I am laying in bed at night picturing doing it and not being able to sleep because of it. Then it is more than a thought.

I am so tired. I can't keep fighting these urges. It needs to be cutting that I do as that is the one that releases most. I need to release that tension. I need to be able to talk about being stressed without not wanting to burst in to tears. And because I am worried I will start crying if I talk to anyone about it, I can't talk to anyone. So, it's why I've not spoken to a tutor about how I feel.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Will History Repeat?

I am really struggling. The thoughts are in overdrive. I am overwhelmed by this new course. It's so full on and so much work, and we have only been there a week and have been told that the work load will increase. This is harder than my degree.

I am not sure I will be able to cope with it. If after a week my thoughts of self harm and ending it are so intense, how are they going to be when the work load increases. How am I going to be able to keep a lid on it when I am tired and when I am stressed? I am not sure I will be able to.

I am so scared of failing at it that the thoughts of ending it now before I fail are strong. It's so frustrating.

I saw Dr T on Friday. I had to run to the toilet after as I was in tears. I won't be going to see him again. He doesn't listen. He is not helpful. I am not going to go through the anxiety of having to go to the appointment before going and then feeling shit after the appointment. So, I need to get a letter fired off to the person who deals with it.

I am a bit of a mess at the moment. I am feeling stressed. I have a constant headache and I am worrying about how much work I have to do and worrying about the standard of my work. I am not happy with what I have done so far and I don't have the time or resources to go back and re do it.

I really don't know how I am going to be able to cope with this. I don't think I will be able to do it.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

I Know Why...

I know exactly why I am having suicidal thoughts at the moment. But, that doesn't make it any better does it.

So, I feel like this because I have started college. My schema for failure is in overdrive. I am so scared I am not going to be able to manage the course. I am scared I won't be able to keep up with the work or be as creative as the others. I am not a creative person. I can take a good photo, yes, but, when it comes to being arty, it's not what I am good at. I am not an arty creative person. I am a thinker, I like science. I appreciate art, I do. But, I just can't do it.

So, that failure schema is active at the moment. I think I am going to fail. So, in return, I am thinking "well, why not just end it all, you won't have to deal with the worse feelings when you fail". I think, if I am right this is called counter attack of the schema. I am running away from it. I am struggling to see what the healthy adult response would be. I think it would be something a long the lines of that I have managed at masters level, this is a different level. Not as academic, I should be able to do it. I will only be in 3 full days a week. That means I have 2 days to look after myself properly and de stress.

But, even if I tell myself these healthy adult responses I am not believing them. I am heading more towards the counter attack of it.

I was reading through my first blogs from way back in 2010. When the self harm was serious and when it started again. It started again just as I started the course. Something that was said to me by a mental health nurse was he wondered if I was self sabotaging. At the time I couldn't see his point and thought it was a stupid idea. Getting on to the SW course was something I had worked towards for so long, I wanted to be there. But, I can see his point now. And, I have to be really aware it's not the path I head down. If, things started like they did before, the way of self sabotaging would be that 1  - if I was dead I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out. And 2 - If I became ill again it would be someone else making that decision for me. It wouldn't be me failing. It would be someone else saying that no, I couldn't do it because I was ill, it was making me ill and it wasn't the time for me to be putting myself under pressure.

So, what do I do though. Just because I am aware of why, it doesn't make it any better for me. I still feel shit, I am still living with the urges and feelings every day. It impacts my daily life.

What people in services see is recovery being that you have insight. I suppose I have come a long way in terms of that. But, having insight doesn't make things easier. Just because you are aware of why you feel like you do, it doesn't make it any better. I suppose sometimes it does. If there are a couple of small things that can be changed. That can help. But generally with me, it's a combination of things. Bigger things that I have no control over. I suppose the main things at the moment are that this thing with college. I can't walk away from it saying the time is not right. It could all work out ok, I may enjoy it. But, my worry is I won't. But, I have to try, because if I don't I worry about what other people will think. I don't want to live my life like it is at the moment. I need more of a focus. While I am getting by ok, it would be nice to be able to save money. It would be nice to be able to go where I want when I want. It would be nice to earn my own money and not rely on benefits. I am sure most people see me as benefit scrounging scum. People who don't know me. And then even friends who make snide comments etc. I am sure they think I am living the life of Riley while they go out to work and earn their money from working. It's not that easy for me. And hopefully, anyone who reads this who has MH issues will understand. But, most people don't. A huge issue of mine is what people think. People say it doesn't matter. But it does. It really does. So, I can't walk away from this because I am scared, because I am not sure but think it could possibly make me worse.

So, because of what people think, I am going to give this a shot. I may enjoy it. But, at least if it does make me ill, I don't have to worry too much about what people think. It will be proof that I can't manage. Not just me telling them, but concrete proof.

The other thing that I have no control over is the things with my family. Their drinking, particularly my Mum's. And also their relationships with each other. Everyone slags the other one off to me. I hate it, it makes me sad. But, I can't walk away from it. I moved out, which has helped. But things are still bad.

And then because there are a lot of things that make me bad that are out of my control, I have issues around control. I try to keep hold of it. And then all of a sudden I have to give in. I have to hand the reigns over to someone else and let them take that control. I suppose I surrender.

Does having insight help others?

So, I am not really sure what to do. Not sure when I am next seeing the Psychologist. He's the person I want to speak to. Someone who knows me. If I had a CPN I would be calling her or him. But, at the moment I need someone who knows me. Not someone who will ask me about my childhood etc. So, I am not sure of the point in talking to someone from the duty team. They will just tell me to distract myself. Not what I need at the moment. I need to speak to someone who knows me. And at the moment, I only have that one person really. That's another reason why I want a CPN. I can't rely on my psychologist all the time.

I have an appointment with DR T next week, but I don't like him and make sure I only talk to him about medication. I don't find him the most compassionate of people. So, I am not able to open up to him.

So, I suppose for the time being my thoughts will just stick with me. I will try and let the healthy adult in more. But, I am not sure how I can do that.


Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Terrified

I am really scared about going to college. I am worried I won't be able to handle it. I am worried history is going to repeat itself. When I started uni, that is when things started to go down hill. Before I was even put under any pressure. On day one of induction I had taken an OD and ended up in hospital. Then I was seriously cutting.

I can see thought patterns emerging now that were then. That worries me. But, I suppose it's good that I notice these.

I worry that due to me being with a load of kids I am subject to bullying and ridicule when they see the scars on my arms. Most of the people I will be with are 16. Not exactly understanding of MH problems. Maybe I need to give them more credit, but it is something that worries me.

I haven't seen my psychologist in about 3 weeks, and I am not sure when I will be seeing him next. It would have been really handy having someone on hand to talk to how I am feeling about things at the moment. Someone to help me put some order to it, to help me make sense of the thoughts.

I am not sure if I am feeling bad because I am physically unwell. But, on the other hand I am not sure how much the mental health is affecting the physical health. Have I got a virus because I am not doing so great mentally. Or, is the low mood etc there because I have this virus. I am trying to take care of myself and getting plenty of rest. I've barely left the sofa since Sunday.

I am worried about where things could be headed. And, it pisses me off because I have only just come out of hospital. I need more time in between episodes to get the strength to deal with the next one. I can't handle feeling like this.

I really am hoping it's because I have a virus that I feel shit.

Monday, 1 September 2014

Physical or Mental

I feel horrendous. I don't know what's wrong. I am so tired all the time and have no energy. I have lost my appetite (no bad thing), and I keep going through phases of being so thirsty nothing can quench it. Then this morning I woke up with a really bad stomach. Not nice.

But, I don't want to go to the doctors. I hate going to the doctors. I have been so much recently because of mental health problems or problems that have occurred because I have done something to myself because of the mental health problems. And, as well, I worry that because I have mental health problems these symptoms could be put down to my mental health and be just another symptom.

It could well be.

I am worried I am heading for another low. It's not been long since my last one, only a couple of weeks. I am not saying things have been fantastic the last couple of weeks but there was a definite rise in my mood. But, I have noticed some bad thoughts and urges creeping back in. But could that be just because I am so tired and lacking energy?

I start college this week. Well, just an induction day. Then I am going to be in college 4 days a week. I am not sure if I am going to be able to handle it. From nothing to that, it's huge.

I am quite anxious about it all at the moment. It is possibly why I am feeling like I do.

:-(

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Sleep

I'm so bloody tired. I haven't slept properly since Tuesday night. Then that was because I took 2 zopiclone, double quetiapine and I was sedated from meds I had had in hospital. The most I have had since then is about 4 hours in one night. I feel horrible. I am exhausted.

All day I have been feeling like I needed to go to bed. Then I get in bed and I can't get to sleep. I have taken a Zopiclone and hopefully that will help me drop off tonight.

I saw crazy patrol today. Two people came round to follow up on my discharge from hospital. I told them I hadn't been taking the haloperidol. They had a bit of a go at me for it and advised I start taking it again. To say it's an anti-psychotic and has sedating properties it has some strange side effects. I thought it was just me being weird about it, but apparently, agitation and anxiety is a common side effect. I didn't know this until after the people had left as I only researched it this evening. Low and behold, a couple of hours after taking it, agitation and anxiety. I wonder how much of it is psychological though as I now know it is a valid side effect. I am not taking it again. I can't deal with feeling like this.

But, I don't feel as though I can say anything. The quetiapine was doing something. On the whole it helped long term. OK, I had the bad patch which, I have just come out of. But, I have been taken off it. To Dr T though, they will use this as proof that it wasn't working. Dr T won't want to put me on anything else, despite me knowing they generally help. He said when he put me on it, if I OD on anything while on it he will take me off it. Well, I was doing quite a bit of that wasn't I? But generally, it was helping. I'm tempted to start buying it offline and continue taking it. But, I am not sure I can afford it.

I don't know what to do. I really don't like Dr T and I have to see him in about 2 weeks. I can't keep taking the haloperidol. If it was up to me I would put me back on the meds I was on last year. Again, they used the OD (the one that nearly killed me) as a way of saying that medication wasn't working.

I don't know what to say. I suppose the most stable I have been in a long time is the last year. And that has been the lamotrigine and quetiapine. I have made a lot of lifestyle changes too. And that has helped. But, I do feel it's a combination of everything.

At the same time. I hate taking medication. I wonder what I am putting in to my body, what the long term effects are, that it's a reminder every night and every morning that I am not right. That I am not normal. But, I worry about stopping it and getting worse. I know that I was off medication for a couple of months last year, it was an awful two months. So, surely that shows that medication does help?

Or, is this all me? Wanting to put some external focus on my problems. But, then on the other hand, I've had more two and a half years of therapy now. Yet, I still have the same problems. G says I am doing better and I am dealing with things better. That things that would have set me off before, don't know and I can deal with them in a much healthier way. But, I am still having hospital admissions. 3 this year. But apparently, me saying yes I'll go in for respite is progress and a sign I am in recovery, or working towards it. It seems as though the last 3 years has not been about making me better, but about me learning to live with it all. Admitting when I need help. The experiences are the same. I am not happy with that. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to live my life fearing the next low. Then going through the low believing I would be better off dead and making plans to follow through with that belief. But then they say the more I fight against it and not surrender to it that each time it will become more easy. How the fuck do they know that.

I'm really not happy with the care I am receiving at the moment. I feel as though I have a constant fight on my hands. It's draining.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Out Of Hospital

I discharged myself Tuesday. So I was in a week. But, it worked. The time away meant that I was kept safe and didn't seriously harm myself. It gave me some time out and in a space where I was able to seek out help when I needed it. It meant that I didn't have easy access to means to end my life.

The delivery of medication never came. And, I contacted the company and told them I hadn't received them and could I please have a refund. And they agreed. Turns out they hadn't taken the money yet as there was a problem with the order and hadn't processed it yet. So that was quite easy.

I am not quite right still. It doesn't help they took me off Quetiapine. They stopped it all in one go. Luckily I had some spare at home so I am trying to taper the dose off myself. I get bad withdrawal from it. They have put me on 5mg of Haloperidol twice a day. I've been bad though and I have not been taking it. It makes me feel horrendous. For the last couple of days I was in hospital I felt really sedated and at the same time highly anxious and everything was fast. If that makes sense. It was like I was in a kind of mania but sedated at the same time. It works well as PRN medication for me usually. So I think I will let them think I am taking the medication and it's ok. That way I have some when I need it as PRN.

Does anyone else have experience of taking H as a standard medication? Do you get over the side effects? If you keep taking them do things even out? I don't feel I can talk to Dr T about anything. I don't have a good relationship with him. I was going to say things were OK before. But, I suppose judging by my last low and what I was doing, they weren't.

I have a couple of people coming from my team tomorrow. I think I am going to ask for a new doctor. I have had the same one coming up to 4 years now. And, I think it's time for a fresh pair of eyes.


Sunday, 17 August 2014

Shit!!!!!

Was feeling pretty calm and ok. I'd had an ok day. Went swimming. Saw family. But then I saw an opportunity. I swallowed a battery. Why? I don't know. I've had opportunity all day to self harm etc. I could have done anything. But I get back on the ward. Back not much more than 2hours. And I do that. I'm fucking crazy.

It's probably a sign that hospital isn't working. Perhaps I need to be honest and tell them tomorrow that it's not working for me.

Seeing psychologist tomorrow. Worried about his reaction to what I've written about things the last couple of weeks. Some pretty dark miserable stuff. I keep a thought journal as well as this blog. It makes dark depressing reading.

Meh!!!!!!

Friday, 15 August 2014

Struggling In Hospital

It's my 4th night here now. Still really struggling. Been swallowing things as well. I feel the need to do something worse. I've taken medication but the urge is still there.

My normal medication has been changed. I'm no longer going to be on Quetiapine. Instead, I'm going to be on haloperidol 3x a day at 5mg. It really works for me as prn so hopefully it will help. I've also had the mood stabiliser increased. So hopefully it will help me.

The ward is quiet and settled which is good.

Despite being in hospital still having major thoughts of ending it. And yesterday I snuck off home to see if the medication I ordered had arrived. I'm beginning to think I've been done on this. I need to email the company. It's the same one I ordered Quetiapine from a few months back and that was real and came. So don't know what's occurring there?!

For now though. I'm just going to have to thy and smoke through it.