Monday, 15 December 2014

It's Not Getting Any Better....

Title says it all really.

After closing 2 mental health wards in my city, I thought they were supposed to be putting resources in to CRHT. Doesn't seem like it to me. I have spoke to someone on the phone the last couple of days and I feel that they feel I am wasting time. I have asked if I can see someone. They said there is no point as they won't say anything different in person than they would over the phone.

I feel so alone. I feel awful.

My days consist of trying to distract myself from the huge urge to take an OD or drink the bottle of antifreeze I have. I have the urge to take all my medication that I have been stockpiling for the last few months. Getting it a few days early, or saying I lost the prescription has meant I have been able to get myself a nice little stash on the go. I know I have enough to do the job. But, there is still some fight in me. Part of me wants to live. Part of me wants a better life. So, I try and keep on going. I went in to college today. Lasted a couple of hours and had to come home. I couldn't deal with it. I worry that I will be missing studio time which I need as there is only their studio I have access to. That part of me that wants to be ok knows I need to go in and get that studio evidence so I can get a good mark and understand how a studio works etc. But, on the other hand I ask myself what the point is. And spend the whole time I am there anxious and paranoid. I try and put on an act but how much is too much? Do they know it's an act. Do they know what is going through my head? It feels like their eyes are baring in to my soul. They can read what is going through my head. I am getting strange looks. So I start to panic. I breathe faster and get in to a panic. So I had to leave.

And, tomorrow may be worse. One of the tutors I have tomorrow reads people well. I think he may pick up on something. He will get that I am not able to concentrate. I know he will.

And I am expected to go out after with the big kids (those of us 18plus) for drinks. I really want to get wasted. Not a good idea though with people I have only known a couple of months. I want to get wasted and let go. To not have those thoughts for just an hour or so. I want to forget.

That's not going to happen is it. It's 7pm. I am going to take extra meds and aim for a good long sleep. Sleep is an escape. Sleep is my only way of dealing with things at the moment.

Friday, 12 December 2014

And Again...

Sick of it. So sick of the feelings. I know I am looking at suicide as a way of escape. I don't think it is because I don't want to be alive. But, more that I don't want to be alive with the way things the way they are. I know there is no cure. There is recovery, but that is living with it. I don't want that. I don't want to live with this "thing" that follows me around. The thing that may lie dormant for a few weeks, but rears its ugly head. And when it does BHAM! It consumes me. It takes over every thought.

College is going well. But, I know since I have started the self harm and urges have got worse. I am looking at ways of control as I don't have any other way of control in my life. Not that I feel tangible anyway. And for me at the moment is making myself sick. It's practically every day now. If I had the opportunity, every meal. But, I am wary about doing it in public places. I have done a couple of times, but I worry about people hearing me and knowing what I am doing. I have been blood letting again too.

And now, well, for the last few weeks, I have started thinking and researching ways in which I can end my life. A way out. At the moment I am a bit obsessed with anti freeze. I have read many stories of people where it has worked. I have even bought a bottle. But, the stuff I have is mixed with the bitterant stuff which makes it taste horrid. But I figure, it's there if I really need it. It is my safety net.

I feel so alone at the moment. Places where I would usually find refuge don't give it me. Before I was spending a lot of time at my parents. But, now I can't. It makes me worse. My Mum has decided she's not drinking again. Not just going to cut down or watch it, but cold turkey. And yet again, she is making a massive thing of it. It's quite irritating. More so, because I know it won't last. And the whole cycle of her getting pissed and laying in to my Dad will start again. But, the weird thing is, since she stopped drinking the atmosphere in the house is awful. It's gone back to how it was in 2010 and before. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells. My Dad is in a constant mood and on edge. You have to be really careful what you say and do. My brother is baring a lot of it too. I know he is totally skint and can't really afford to eat or heat his flat. So, I know he has been spending quite  a bit of time there as he can eat their food and use their heat. But, it's getting to my Dad him being there quite a lot. My brother isn't the tidiest of people and spreads himself out over the whole house. He is also not really working that much. So, it pisses my Dad off when he has been out at work all day that he comes home to him being on the sofa and his mess. So, I can kind of see where my Dad is coming from. But he is not tactful. He is really abrupt and quite mean about it. I feel awful and upset by the way he speaks to him and my brother gets upset and angry and ends up storming off. Which in turn upsets my Mum and makes her angry and she then gets upset with my Dad. It's a spiral.

I saw G last week and he said something about me trying to be a peacekeeper and I let other peoples problems affect me and I shouldn't as there is nothing I can do about them. It pissed me off, and I told him, because I can't not care about how people who are close to me are feeling and what is going on in their life. That would make me a really selfish, self obsessed person and I am not prepared to be that person. I can't not care about what is going on in the life of people who I am close to. Who wouldn't be?

I don't feel as though I have anyone I can talk to about everything. It's not just that that is going on. There's more. But I feel so alone. I can't talk to my friends as they have all their own stuff going on. Obviously I can't talk to family or really spend much time with them as the atmosphere is just a reminder of what is going on. Friends are all busy too, and I don't have access to a car. So, I am pretty much alone. And I feel as though I am doing something wrong because it is effecting me so much. I don't see G until Thursday and he is the only person I feel I can talk to about it. And I am already expecting the answer to be a long the lines of how I need to distance myself. Well, I can't. So what does that mean?

I have tried ringing and speaking to someone on the team I am under, But the thing is they don't know me. They don't know anything about me. I spoke to someone and all they basically told me was distract myself. Nothing else. And on top of that. Because I have told them I won't be seeing Dr T again as I am not putting myself through the stress and anxiety, they have basically said I can't see anyone else until the referral for the new doctor is put through. So even in ringing them I feel like I am wasting my time as there is nothing I can do.

In my city they have closed down 2 MH wards. One male and one female, both with about 22 beds. In doing this they are supposed to have made CRHT services better. I don't know what that really means. Because I haven't really seen any improvement. I know that the calls no longer go through to the 136 suite after 9pm and do go through to someone in the crisis team. But that is the only improvement.

I don't honestly know what I can do. I don't know who to turn to. I feel like I am in a constant pain. I just want to sleep my way through it. I can't stand it.

OK, I don't feel like this all the time. There are some weeks where I am happier and not depressed. There are some days where I feel quite happy. But that is not enough. Because the majority of the time I am not. I am not a happy person. I have struggles most the time. So, telling me it will get better, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn't really help. Because, I have been there far too many times. It does get better eventually, but, it will also end up like this again. I do want a future where I am successful etc. I want the whole family 2.4 kids thing. But, it's not exactly likely when I won't let anyone in to my life. I don't want to share it with anyone. I see ending my life as an escape. A way of running away. I haven't given up. I am still trying to get to college, to do college work and do it well. Part of me thinks how can I be suicidal and still working towards a future. But, I think that is because suicide is an escape. But I am sure ask most people who are suicidal if they could live if it were a happier life and things wouldn't be as they are now. I am sure they would take the live happier option.

But, because I am still going to college, because I am trying to live my life. I am getting pushed aside. I think people think that because I am doing that, I am working towards a future, then they can't really be suicidal thoughts. So basically I should go take a bath, put some music on, light some candles sit down and relax. Because my non suicidal thoughts will disappear. Because after all, they are not really suicidal thoughts.

Sunday, 23 November 2014

All I want to say right now is fuck. And that's it.

Thursday, 23 October 2014

Growing Old

I don't want to grow old. I don't want to die a slow painful death from a drawn out illness that I have no control over (such as cancer etc). I don't see a future. I don't want to lose people close to me, watching them go one by one. I don't want to watch all that and think my own death is getting closer and closer, it being something I fear. I want to have that control. I don't want to live my life with the regular low periods where sometimes they don't hang around long, but most of the time they are totally disabling. I can't ever see me being able to live a normal life. A life where self harm is not the first thing I turn to when things are tough. I don't ever see me being rid of this whole thing.

I don't see a point. Why should I have to suffer like this? What is the point in it? Was I really bad in a past life and I have been reincarnated in to this hell. Is this hell?


Low...Again

My mouth is cracked and sore from purging so much. I feel shit because I don't know why I feel low. I purge more because I feel low.

I saw G earlier. He said I look and angry. I wasn't before the appointment. But I was after. Nothing he did or said. But because of what I was thinking about and the stuff that came out, I felt angry after. And why...because I am so fucking sick of this. I am sick of the lows. I am worried that this low will get worse and worse and I will end up in an awful position again. Not just thinking about ending my life, but taking steps to do it. Really self destructive behaviours. The pattern of what has happened in the past, repeating again. G told me not to dread it and to worry about it. Not to think that that is what is going to happen as I am biasing myself for it to happen. But, how do I not do that? I am trying to tell myself that it may not necessarily happen. But, it's quite hard not to. G said I have been low before and it hasn't always spiralled and got worse. He mentioned a time, but I struggle to remember it all.

But as it stands at the moment, I am thinking about taking steps to end it. Thinking of buying drugs offline. Stockpiling medication again. Trawling the Internet for hints and tips. Not exactly healthy behaviour is it?

The self harm urges have lessened. The suicidal urges have increased.

I don't know what the fuck to do.

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

I've Not SH

Not yet anyway. I want to. I am having issues around control at the moment. Making myself sick a lot. I want to cut. I want to blood let. Thoughts of suicide are prominent. The idea of stockpiling medication. Of stopping medication too. I can't see the point in it. I don't think it's working as it should be.

Today was the first day I have had in weeks where I could sit and do nothing and not feel bad about doing it. I have been working like mad on this course and on the assignment I am doing. I need more time for me. But, I don't have it. I don't think I can cope with the pressures of the course. I am not sure going back to college was the best thing for me to do. And, because I have these feelings I feel as though I am failing. I have tried to do something to try and get better and it's making me worse. I can't cope with it and it's making me feel like this. But, I can't not do it. To everyone on the outside they think I am doing well. They think I am ok. They don't know I have been stockpiling medication again. And I am just biding my time. I am making plans in case I need to fall back on them.

Then, I feel like I am defective. I haven't told anyone at college about my MH problems. I haven't really told them much about me at all. I don't want them knowing or seeing that weak side. I lost a lot of friends when I had to leave uni because of ending up in hospital. I suppose they weren't really friends to start with when no one contacted me. There were rumours going around about me, no one contacted me to see if I was ok. So, they obviously weren't friends were they?

I know I shouldn't, but I see my MH as a defective weak thing. I see myself as weak and abnormal. I don't want people knowing that.

Right now I am writing this to stop myself going and sticking my fingers down my throat and taking a needle to a vein. I feel like I need that release. I have already purged twice today. But, I don't feel relieved. I need to feel empty.

I have been feeling so low this last week or so. I feel deflated. Then I get in to the b/p spiral as I want to eat to comfort myself, so then I feel bad and need to get rid of it. Then because that only helps a little, I then want to do something that does help. Currently it is blood letting. I think that may help me feel better.

I am sick of these lows. They are consuming. I fear them. I fear them because when they arrive it takes over every waking second. The thoughts of ending my life get more frequent, dark thoughts consume me. And ok, they don't go on forever, but they come back again. And again. And again! It's a never ending circle.

Thursday, 9 October 2014

Struggles

G told me I am craving self harm as for me it's an addiction. So, one way to look at the urges are as a craving and to see them as a positive thing. Because, if I have an urge/craving, it means I haven't given in to it. Can kind of see his point. So, I told him to give up smoking and to when he wants one to enjoy that craving and see it as a positive thing as he is not doing something that is dangerous to his health.

I can kind of see his point. But, I don't like that way of looking at it.

The stubborn, angry person inside of me is thinking this whole thing is a load of bollocks. I can sit there and listen to him telling me that if I SH, it won't just be the once, it will become more frequent, I will give in to it easier next time, it then leads to me having suicidal feelings and my behaviour getting more and more risky. I know he's right, deep down the rational person inside of me knows that what he says makes sense and usually, those patterns do start. But, on the other hand I was sitting there, like an angry teenager thinking you don't know me, it's all a load of crap, I can do what I want, I can be in control and I can manage it. After Wednesday next week, it's OK for me to go and cut. It's OK for me to do it. I can do it just the once. I can be in control.

This part of me is winning at the moment. I have pretty much told myself that, after next Wednesday, if I still feel the same, then I will let myself cut. The short term gratification of cutting is winning. I haven't got a day set as to when I will allow myself to. But, it will be OK.

I feel as though I am all broken up in to separate parts. They don't merge together. I am finding it really hard.

I feel quite on my own at the moment. I have not formed any relationships with anyone on the course. In fact, I find everyone annoying and childish. I have these paranoid feelings that people are talking about me behind my back. The two people that I spend my time with, the two people are closest to my age, have become quite cliquey together. I don't know how much of it is a mask, but they are those over happy people. Use over exaggerated hand movements, do jazz hands a lot, and all of that type of annoying stuff. OK, writing this down makes it sound quite pathetic how I am feeling. It's their vibe, attitude etc that I find it all really annoying. The sniggering. All of that. I feel quite different from everyone. I know that I probably am not. OK, they won't have spent any or as much time in hospital. They won't act like I do. But, a lot of these people will have huge problems and be struggling as much as I am. I need to try and give people more slack. I need to stop thinking that no one else has ever had mental health problems and they don't understand it/me. Because, I am sure many of these people will.

But, then on the other hand, I am surrounded by kids. Many of them are still living sheltered lives. Don't understand mental health and see mental health and self harm as something crazy people do. Maybe, I am being a bit harsh. But, I can't help the way I feel. It annoys me that many of the people in the class probably don't want to be there. But, they have to be as they need to be in education or training of some form until they are 18/19. The course doesn't cost them anything and they have probably seen it as the easy option. So they chose that thinking it would be fun. Then, there's me who is paying over 5k a year to go to college to learn these new skills so that I can make something of myself. It just annoys me. I had my chance though. I did get my free education, I have been their age and did A Levels as I didn't want to work in a shitty job. I was 18 when I went to college. I got my A Levels that I didn't have to pay for. Then I went to uni to get my degree. So, I can't moan I suppose, I had my opportunity. But, saying that, I wasn't forced in to college etc. The government didn't say I had to be in education or training. Young people are choosing courses now because they have to be in education, and courses like I'm doing, are possibly seen as the easy option. So, that is tough. When you have people who don't really want to be there there, and I'm there and paying so much. It's annoying. I went to college and did A Levels because I wanted to be there, and everyone I was with also wanted to be there.

OK rant over.

Wednesday, 24 September 2014

I'm An Awful Person!

It's probably jealousy. But, I am an awful person and I have had some horrible thoughts.

Someone told me their honeymoon got cancelled and I thought it was amusing.

Someone I know has just told me they are going to try for a baby. My initial thoughts were that I hoped they had problems conceiving. How awful is that? I should be happy for this person. But, I can't. I am jealous. I don't want her life to all fall in to place. Married and then have kids etc. I think it is because I am jealous. I want a baby more than anything. I really want children. But, I am too scared and don't really want to be in a relationship.

I can't really look after myself, so how would I look after a child. I know that I would never do anything to myself if I had a child and I would be responsible etc. But, it's not really right for me to bring another person in to the world when I can barely support myself, never mind have someone else relying on me. I know that I could make it work. But, at the same time I think I should probably wait until I have a stable income etc. I know I could make it work now. And, I know what I want to do career wise, it's not something that I couldn't do if I had children. So, I don't need to worry about getting successful in a career. I am scared that if I do wait until it is the "right time", I will be too old. I worry because of the PCOS and not having a proper cycle I won't be able to conceive. So, what happens if I wait a few years and then I can't. I will have lost my chance won't I?

I don't understand why I want children so much. I see pregnant people and I am jealous. I see people with nice well behaved children and I am jealous. I see people who are not really great parents and I am angry because I think that I could do much better. Or, I think I wouldn't speak to my child like that etc etc etc.

One main thing getting in my way at the moment is the lack of a man on the scene. Of course I would go and do the get pregnant after a casual relationship. But, I worry what people would think of me. And, I worry people will know I did it on purpose and they'll think I am a horrible person because I have used someone to get what I want and that then they are always going to be connected to me, even if they don't want to be as they will be the father. Even if they aren't Dad, they will be the father and will always be a presence, whether physical or not.

I think now a days, getting involved with a person who already has children, a single mother, doesn't come with the same stigma as it has done in the past. I think it's quite a common thing. SO that doesn't worry me too much. But, what if I had a child and then I met the perfect man and I wished I had waited. I don't think I would. If I did find this so called perfect man, we could always have more children, or at least he would be happy being a family even if the child wasn't his.

There are so many thoughts I have about this. I know I really want children and soon. But, I don't know what the thoughts are so consuming. Why?


Tuesday, 23 September 2014

Struggling

I am really struggling with this new life style. I am struggling to cope. I am not sure if I made the right decision. I am not sure if I can carry on coping. The work load is about twice as much as I expected. My life is consumed by what I am doing. I have no time for me. And the thing is, I can't give up anything. I don't want to stop going to spin classes and the gym because I really enjoy it. I need to continue to do it. I need to lose more weight, I need to have confidence. The exercise gives my mood a boost, so I need to make sure I make time for it. Also, I can't lose weight without exercising. And I need to do 60minutes high intensity cardio at least three times a week. I don't know what it is, but I seem to have been hovering around the same weight for the last few months. I can't seem to get any lower. I am watching what I eat, but the weight is not coming off. I am wondering if it is something to do with the PCOS. But that is something that is getting me low at the moment. So, in terms of everything I need to keep it up.

I need to see my friends (well friend, but that is a whole other blog in itself). I need to have my social activities etc. I suppose that doesn't need explaining as to why it's important.

Then, I have a group that I go to. I learn a lot from it and I can make connections. That is also important in terms of my career.

I feel I am consumed by college, and we're only 3 weeks in. I have been told the work load will increase. I am not sure if I am going to be able to manage it. I can't really now.

And, college is annoying me. I am learning a lot. But, each night before I  am due to go in I feel a sense of dread. I don't want to go. I just want to spend the day in bed instead. That's not a good sign is it.

A lot of the people on the course, I feel don't really want to be there. They have chosen it as the easy option because they have to be in education until they are 18. Or they are under 20, so can get access to a college course and do it and still get their benefits. They are disruptive, they turn up late, they just don't give a damn. And when you are trying so hard to keep a focus on something because I struggle with concentration anyway, and I am trying so hard just to keep a focus and you have people deliberately disruptive, being a class clown trying to get attention, it is so annoying. One girl today just kept shouting out, then breaking in to song for the sake of it, and I could hear her talking to another girl saying shall I shout that out about something stupid, a word or something that made her laugh.

Although, to be fair, I wonder if this girl has some kind of behavioural issues. She's 25 and acting like that. It's not a normal behaviour. My other theory is that she is trying to mask that she doesn't really know what she's doing and she's drawing attention to her behaviour rather than admit she needs more help. But, then wouldn't you once you had reached a certain level of maturity admit that you are struggling. There's no shame in asking for help.

There are a couple of nice people. But, I just find myself getting so annoyed by people. There's one lad who is lovely. So polite, speaks properly, acts like a gentleman etc etc etc. But, because he is like this people take the piss out of him. Why do people do that, why take the piss out of his nice character. People are so horrible at times.

So for me at the moment, my thoughts of suicide are in massive over drive. The self harm thoughts are pretty constant. But, I keep telling myself, I am going to a spa day in 4 weeks. If I cut (which is the massive urge) I will feel even more self conscious than I am already going to do. I need to hold out until after this day. Then I can cut. G said just tell myself it's just a thought. But, when I start to experience huge anxiety from it and I am laying in bed at night picturing doing it and not being able to sleep because of it. Then it is more than a thought.

I am so tired. I can't keep fighting these urges. It needs to be cutting that I do as that is the one that releases most. I need to release that tension. I need to be able to talk about being stressed without not wanting to burst in to tears. And because I am worried I will start crying if I talk to anyone about it, I can't talk to anyone. So, it's why I've not spoken to a tutor about how I feel.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

Will History Repeat?

I am really struggling. The thoughts are in overdrive. I am overwhelmed by this new course. It's so full on and so much work, and we have only been there a week and have been told that the work load will increase. This is harder than my degree.

I am not sure I will be able to cope with it. If after a week my thoughts of self harm and ending it are so intense, how are they going to be when the work load increases. How am I going to be able to keep a lid on it when I am tired and when I am stressed? I am not sure I will be able to.

I am so scared of failing at it that the thoughts of ending it now before I fail are strong. It's so frustrating.

I saw Dr T on Friday. I had to run to the toilet after as I was in tears. I won't be going to see him again. He doesn't listen. He is not helpful. I am not going to go through the anxiety of having to go to the appointment before going and then feeling shit after the appointment. So, I need to get a letter fired off to the person who deals with it.

I am a bit of a mess at the moment. I am feeling stressed. I have a constant headache and I am worrying about how much work I have to do and worrying about the standard of my work. I am not happy with what I have done so far and I don't have the time or resources to go back and re do it.

I really don't know how I am going to be able to cope with this. I don't think I will be able to do it.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

I Know Why...

I know exactly why I am having suicidal thoughts at the moment. But, that doesn't make it any better does it.

So, I feel like this because I have started college. My schema for failure is in overdrive. I am so scared I am not going to be able to manage the course. I am scared I won't be able to keep up with the work or be as creative as the others. I am not a creative person. I can take a good photo, yes, but, when it comes to being arty, it's not what I am good at. I am not an arty creative person. I am a thinker, I like science. I appreciate art, I do. But, I just can't do it.

So, that failure schema is active at the moment. I think I am going to fail. So, in return, I am thinking "well, why not just end it all, you won't have to deal with the worse feelings when you fail". I think, if I am right this is called counter attack of the schema. I am running away from it. I am struggling to see what the healthy adult response would be. I think it would be something a long the lines of that I have managed at masters level, this is a different level. Not as academic, I should be able to do it. I will only be in 3 full days a week. That means I have 2 days to look after myself properly and de stress.

But, even if I tell myself these healthy adult responses I am not believing them. I am heading more towards the counter attack of it.

I was reading through my first blogs from way back in 2010. When the self harm was serious and when it started again. It started again just as I started the course. Something that was said to me by a mental health nurse was he wondered if I was self sabotaging. At the time I couldn't see his point and thought it was a stupid idea. Getting on to the SW course was something I had worked towards for so long, I wanted to be there. But, I can see his point now. And, I have to be really aware it's not the path I head down. If, things started like they did before, the way of self sabotaging would be that 1  - if I was dead I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out. And 2 - If I became ill again it would be someone else making that decision for me. It wouldn't be me failing. It would be someone else saying that no, I couldn't do it because I was ill, it was making me ill and it wasn't the time for me to be putting myself under pressure.

So, what do I do though. Just because I am aware of why, it doesn't make it any better for me. I still feel shit, I am still living with the urges and feelings every day. It impacts my daily life.

What people in services see is recovery being that you have insight. I suppose I have come a long way in terms of that. But, having insight doesn't make things easier. Just because you are aware of why you feel like you do, it doesn't make it any better. I suppose sometimes it does. If there are a couple of small things that can be changed. That can help. But generally with me, it's a combination of things. Bigger things that I have no control over. I suppose the main things at the moment are that this thing with college. I can't walk away from it saying the time is not right. It could all work out ok, I may enjoy it. But, my worry is I won't. But, I have to try, because if I don't I worry about what other people will think. I don't want to live my life like it is at the moment. I need more of a focus. While I am getting by ok, it would be nice to be able to save money. It would be nice to be able to go where I want when I want. It would be nice to earn my own money and not rely on benefits. I am sure most people see me as benefit scrounging scum. People who don't know me. And then even friends who make snide comments etc. I am sure they think I am living the life of Riley while they go out to work and earn their money from working. It's not that easy for me. And hopefully, anyone who reads this who has MH issues will understand. But, most people don't. A huge issue of mine is what people think. People say it doesn't matter. But it does. It really does. So, I can't walk away from this because I am scared, because I am not sure but think it could possibly make me worse.

So, because of what people think, I am going to give this a shot. I may enjoy it. But, at least if it does make me ill, I don't have to worry too much about what people think. It will be proof that I can't manage. Not just me telling them, but concrete proof.

The other thing that I have no control over is the things with my family. Their drinking, particularly my Mum's. And also their relationships with each other. Everyone slags the other one off to me. I hate it, it makes me sad. But, I can't walk away from it. I moved out, which has helped. But things are still bad.

And then because there are a lot of things that make me bad that are out of my control, I have issues around control. I try to keep hold of it. And then all of a sudden I have to give in. I have to hand the reigns over to someone else and let them take that control. I suppose I surrender.

Does having insight help others?

So, I am not really sure what to do. Not sure when I am next seeing the Psychologist. He's the person I want to speak to. Someone who knows me. If I had a CPN I would be calling her or him. But, at the moment I need someone who knows me. Not someone who will ask me about my childhood etc. So, I am not sure of the point in talking to someone from the duty team. They will just tell me to distract myself. Not what I need at the moment. I need to speak to someone who knows me. And at the moment, I only have that one person really. That's another reason why I want a CPN. I can't rely on my psychologist all the time.

I have an appointment with DR T next week, but I don't like him and make sure I only talk to him about medication. I don't find him the most compassionate of people. So, I am not able to open up to him.

So, I suppose for the time being my thoughts will just stick with me. I will try and let the healthy adult in more. But, I am not sure how I can do that.


Tuesday, 2 September 2014

Terrified

I am really scared about going to college. I am worried I won't be able to handle it. I am worried history is going to repeat itself. When I started uni, that is when things started to go down hill. Before I was even put under any pressure. On day one of induction I had taken an OD and ended up in hospital. Then I was seriously cutting.

I can see thought patterns emerging now that were then. That worries me. But, I suppose it's good that I notice these.

I worry that due to me being with a load of kids I am subject to bullying and ridicule when they see the scars on my arms. Most of the people I will be with are 16. Not exactly understanding of MH problems. Maybe I need to give them more credit, but it is something that worries me.

I haven't seen my psychologist in about 3 weeks, and I am not sure when I will be seeing him next. It would have been really handy having someone on hand to talk to how I am feeling about things at the moment. Someone to help me put some order to it, to help me make sense of the thoughts.

I am not sure if I am feeling bad because I am physically unwell. But, on the other hand I am not sure how much the mental health is affecting the physical health. Have I got a virus because I am not doing so great mentally. Or, is the low mood etc there because I have this virus. I am trying to take care of myself and getting plenty of rest. I've barely left the sofa since Sunday.

I am worried about where things could be headed. And, it pisses me off because I have only just come out of hospital. I need more time in between episodes to get the strength to deal with the next one. I can't handle feeling like this.

I really am hoping it's because I have a virus that I feel shit.