Sunday, 14 September 2014

Will History Repeat?

I am really struggling. The thoughts are in overdrive. I am overwhelmed by this new course. It's so full on and so much work, and we have only been there a week and have been told that the work load will increase. This is harder than my degree.

I am not sure I will be able to cope with it. If after a week my thoughts of self harm and ending it are so intense, how are they going to be when the work load increases. How am I going to be able to keep a lid on it when I am tired and when I am stressed? I am not sure I will be able to.

I am so scared of failing at it that the thoughts of ending it now before I fail are strong. It's so frustrating.

I saw Dr T on Friday. I had to run to the toilet after as I was in tears. I won't be going to see him again. He doesn't listen. He is not helpful. I am not going to go through the anxiety of having to go to the appointment before going and then feeling shit after the appointment. So, I need to get a letter fired off to the person who deals with it.

I am a bit of a mess at the moment. I am feeling stressed. I have a constant headache and I am worrying about how much work I have to do and worrying about the standard of my work. I am not happy with what I have done so far and I don't have the time or resources to go back and re do it.

I really don't know how I am going to be able to cope with this. I don't think I will be able to do it.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

I Know Why...

I know exactly why I am having suicidal thoughts at the moment. But, that doesn't make it any better does it.

So, I feel like this because I have started college. My schema for failure is in overdrive. I am so scared I am not going to be able to manage the course. I am scared I won't be able to keep up with the work or be as creative as the others. I am not a creative person. I can take a good photo, yes, but, when it comes to being arty, it's not what I am good at. I am not an arty creative person. I am a thinker, I like science. I appreciate art, I do. But, I just can't do it.

So, that failure schema is active at the moment. I think I am going to fail. So, in return, I am thinking "well, why not just end it all, you won't have to deal with the worse feelings when you fail". I think, if I am right this is called counter attack of the schema. I am running away from it. I am struggling to see what the healthy adult response would be. I think it would be something a long the lines of that I have managed at masters level, this is a different level. Not as academic, I should be able to do it. I will only be in 3 full days a week. That means I have 2 days to look after myself properly and de stress.

But, even if I tell myself these healthy adult responses I am not believing them. I am heading more towards the counter attack of it.

I was reading through my first blogs from way back in 2010. When the self harm was serious and when it started again. It started again just as I started the course. Something that was said to me by a mental health nurse was he wondered if I was self sabotaging. At the time I couldn't see his point and thought it was a stupid idea. Getting on to the SW course was something I had worked towards for so long, I wanted to be there. But, I can see his point now. And, I have to be really aware it's not the path I head down. If, things started like they did before, the way of self sabotaging would be that 1  - if I was dead I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out. And 2 - If I became ill again it would be someone else making that decision for me. It wouldn't be me failing. It would be someone else saying that no, I couldn't do it because I was ill, it was making me ill and it wasn't the time for me to be putting myself under pressure.

So, what do I do though. Just because I am aware of why, it doesn't make it any better for me. I still feel shit, I am still living with the urges and feelings every day. It impacts my daily life.

What people in services see is recovery being that you have insight. I suppose I have come a long way in terms of that. But, having insight doesn't make things easier. Just because you are aware of why you feel like you do, it doesn't make it any better. I suppose sometimes it does. If there are a couple of small things that can be changed. That can help. But generally with me, it's a combination of things. Bigger things that I have no control over. I suppose the main things at the moment are that this thing with college. I can't walk away from it saying the time is not right. It could all work out ok, I may enjoy it. But, my worry is I won't. But, I have to try, because if I don't I worry about what other people will think. I don't want to live my life like it is at the moment. I need more of a focus. While I am getting by ok, it would be nice to be able to save money. It would be nice to be able to go where I want when I want. It would be nice to earn my own money and not rely on benefits. I am sure most people see me as benefit scrounging scum. People who don't know me. And then even friends who make snide comments etc. I am sure they think I am living the life of Riley while they go out to work and earn their money from working. It's not that easy for me. And hopefully, anyone who reads this who has MH issues will understand. But, most people don't. A huge issue of mine is what people think. People say it doesn't matter. But it does. It really does. So, I can't walk away from this because I am scared, because I am not sure but think it could possibly make me worse.

So, because of what people think, I am going to give this a shot. I may enjoy it. But, at least if it does make me ill, I don't have to worry too much about what people think. It will be proof that I can't manage. Not just me telling them, but concrete proof.

The other thing that I have no control over is the things with my family. Their drinking, particularly my Mum's. And also their relationships with each other. Everyone slags the other one off to me. I hate it, it makes me sad. But, I can't walk away from it. I moved out, which has helped. But things are still bad.

And then because there are a lot of things that make me bad that are out of my control, I have issues around control. I try to keep hold of it. And then all of a sudden I have to give in. I have to hand the reigns over to someone else and let them take that control. I suppose I surrender.

Does having insight help others?

So, I am not really sure what to do. Not sure when I am next seeing the Psychologist. He's the person I want to speak to. Someone who knows me. If I had a CPN I would be calling her or him. But, at the moment I need someone who knows me. Not someone who will ask me about my childhood etc. So, I am not sure of the point in talking to someone from the duty team. They will just tell me to distract myself. Not what I need at the moment. I need to speak to someone who knows me. And at the moment, I only have that one person really. That's another reason why I want a CPN. I can't rely on my psychologist all the time.

I have an appointment with DR T next week, but I don't like him and make sure I only talk to him about medication. I don't find him the most compassionate of people. So, I am not able to open up to him.

So, I suppose for the time being my thoughts will just stick with me. I will try and let the healthy adult in more. But, I am not sure how I can do that.

Tuesday, 2 September 2014


I am really scared about going to college. I am worried I won't be able to handle it. I am worried history is going to repeat itself. When I started uni, that is when things started to go down hill. Before I was even put under any pressure. On day one of induction I had taken an OD and ended up in hospital. Then I was seriously cutting.

I can see thought patterns emerging now that were then. That worries me. But, I suppose it's good that I notice these.

I worry that due to me being with a load of kids I am subject to bullying and ridicule when they see the scars on my arms. Most of the people I will be with are 16. Not exactly understanding of MH problems. Maybe I need to give them more credit, but it is something that worries me.

I haven't seen my psychologist in about 3 weeks, and I am not sure when I will be seeing him next. It would have been really handy having someone on hand to talk to how I am feeling about things at the moment. Someone to help me put some order to it, to help me make sense of the thoughts.

I am not sure if I am feeling bad because I am physically unwell. But, on the other hand I am not sure how much the mental health is affecting the physical health. Have I got a virus because I am not doing so great mentally. Or, is the low mood etc there because I have this virus. I am trying to take care of myself and getting plenty of rest. I've barely left the sofa since Sunday.

I am worried about where things could be headed. And, it pisses me off because I have only just come out of hospital. I need more time in between episodes to get the strength to deal with the next one. I can't handle feeling like this.

I really am hoping it's because I have a virus that I feel shit.

Monday, 1 September 2014

Physical or Mental

I feel horrendous. I don't know what's wrong. I am so tired all the time and have no energy. I have lost my appetite (no bad thing), and I keep going through phases of being so thirsty nothing can quench it. Then this morning I woke up with a really bad stomach. Not nice.

But, I don't want to go to the doctors. I hate going to the doctors. I have been so much recently because of mental health problems or problems that have occurred because I have done something to myself because of the mental health problems. And, as well, I worry that because I have mental health problems these symptoms could be put down to my mental health and be just another symptom.

It could well be.

I am worried I am heading for another low. It's not been long since my last one, only a couple of weeks. I am not saying things have been fantastic the last couple of weeks but there was a definite rise in my mood. But, I have noticed some bad thoughts and urges creeping back in. But could that be just because I am so tired and lacking energy?

I start college this week. Well, just an induction day. Then I am going to be in college 4 days a week. I am not sure if I am going to be able to handle it. From nothing to that, it's huge.

I am quite anxious about it all at the moment. It is possibly why I am feeling like I do.


Saturday, 23 August 2014


I'm so bloody tired. I haven't slept properly since Tuesday night. Then that was because I took 2 zopiclone, double quetiapine and I was sedated from meds I had had in hospital. The most I have had since then is about 4 hours in one night. I feel horrible. I am exhausted.

All day I have been feeling like I needed to go to bed. Then I get in bed and I can't get to sleep. I have taken a Zopiclone and hopefully that will help me drop off tonight.

I saw crazy patrol today. Two people came round to follow up on my discharge from hospital. I told them I hadn't been taking the haloperidol. They had a bit of a go at me for it and advised I start taking it again. To say it's an anti-psychotic and has sedating properties it has some strange side effects. I thought it was just me being weird about it, but apparently, agitation and anxiety is a common side effect. I didn't know this until after the people had left as I only researched it this evening. Low and behold, a couple of hours after taking it, agitation and anxiety. I wonder how much of it is psychological though as I now know it is a valid side effect. I am not taking it again. I can't deal with feeling like this.

But, I don't feel as though I can say anything. The quetiapine was doing something. On the whole it helped long term. OK, I had the bad patch which, I have just come out of. But, I have been taken off it. To Dr T though, they will use this as proof that it wasn't working. Dr T won't want to put me on anything else, despite me knowing they generally help. He said when he put me on it, if I OD on anything while on it he will take me off it. Well, I was doing quite a bit of that wasn't I? But generally, it was helping. I'm tempted to start buying it offline and continue taking it. But, I am not sure I can afford it.

I don't know what to do. I really don't like Dr T and I have to see him in about 2 weeks. I can't keep taking the haloperidol. If it was up to me I would put me back on the meds I was on last year. Again, they used the OD (the one that nearly killed me) as a way of saying that medication wasn't working.

I don't know what to say. I suppose the most stable I have been in a long time is the last year. And that has been the lamotrigine and quetiapine. I have made a lot of lifestyle changes too. And that has helped. But, I do feel it's a combination of everything.

At the same time. I hate taking medication. I wonder what I am putting in to my body, what the long term effects are, that it's a reminder every night and every morning that I am not right. That I am not normal. But, I worry about stopping it and getting worse. I know that I was off medication for a couple of months last year, it was an awful two months. So, surely that shows that medication does help?

Or, is this all me? Wanting to put some external focus on my problems. But, then on the other hand, I've had more two and a half years of therapy now. Yet, I still have the same problems. G says I am doing better and I am dealing with things better. That things that would have set me off before, don't know and I can deal with them in a much healthier way. But, I am still having hospital admissions. 3 this year. But apparently, me saying yes I'll go in for respite is progress and a sign I am in recovery, or working towards it. It seems as though the last 3 years has not been about making me better, but about me learning to live with it all. Admitting when I need help. The experiences are the same. I am not happy with that. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to live my life fearing the next low. Then going through the low believing I would be better off dead and making plans to follow through with that belief. But then they say the more I fight against it and not surrender to it that each time it will become more easy. How the fuck do they know that.

I'm really not happy with the care I am receiving at the moment. I feel as though I have a constant fight on my hands. It's draining.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Out Of Hospital

I discharged myself Tuesday. So I was in a week. But, it worked. The time away meant that I was kept safe and didn't seriously harm myself. It gave me some time out and in a space where I was able to seek out help when I needed it. It meant that I didn't have easy access to means to end my life.

The delivery of medication never came. And, I contacted the company and told them I hadn't received them and could I please have a refund. And they agreed. Turns out they hadn't taken the money yet as there was a problem with the order and hadn't processed it yet. So that was quite easy.

I am not quite right still. It doesn't help they took me off Quetiapine. They stopped it all in one go. Luckily I had some spare at home so I am trying to taper the dose off myself. I get bad withdrawal from it. They have put me on 5mg of Haloperidol twice a day. I've been bad though and I have not been taking it. It makes me feel horrendous. For the last couple of days I was in hospital I felt really sedated and at the same time highly anxious and everything was fast. If that makes sense. It was like I was in a kind of mania but sedated at the same time. It works well as PRN medication for me usually. So I think I will let them think I am taking the medication and it's ok. That way I have some when I need it as PRN.

Does anyone else have experience of taking H as a standard medication? Do you get over the side effects? If you keep taking them do things even out? I don't feel I can talk to Dr T about anything. I don't have a good relationship with him. I was going to say things were OK before. But, I suppose judging by my last low and what I was doing, they weren't.

I have a couple of people coming from my team tomorrow. I think I am going to ask for a new doctor. I have had the same one coming up to 4 years now. And, I think it's time for a fresh pair of eyes.

Sunday, 17 August 2014


Was feeling pretty calm and ok. I'd had an ok day. Went swimming. Saw family. But then I saw an opportunity. I swallowed a battery. Why? I don't know. I've had opportunity all day to self harm etc. I could have done anything. But I get back on the ward. Back not much more than 2hours. And I do that. I'm fucking crazy.

It's probably a sign that hospital isn't working. Perhaps I need to be honest and tell them tomorrow that it's not working for me.

Seeing psychologist tomorrow. Worried about his reaction to what I've written about things the last couple of weeks. Some pretty dark miserable stuff. I keep a thought journal as well as this blog. It makes dark depressing reading.


Friday, 15 August 2014

Struggling In Hospital

It's my 4th night here now. Still really struggling. Been swallowing things as well. I feel the need to do something worse. I've taken medication but the urge is still there.

My normal medication has been changed. I'm no longer going to be on Quetiapine. Instead, I'm going to be on haloperidol 3x a day at 5mg. It really works for me as prn so hopefully it will help. I've also had the mood stabiliser increased. So hopefully it will help me.

The ward is quiet and settled which is good.

Despite being in hospital still having major thoughts of ending it. And yesterday I snuck off home to see if the medication I ordered had arrived. I'm beginning to think I've been done on this. I need to email the company. It's the same one I ordered Quetiapine from a few months back and that was real and came. So don't know what's occurring there?!

For now though. I'm just going to have to thy and smoke through it.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Hospital So Far.

Could have been worse. But then I don't remember most of yesterday. Before I found out I'd got a bed I took quite a high dose of anti psychotic meds. I thought it would just chill me out and make me sleep most the day. I didn't account on it suddenly hitting me about 7hours later and not being able to move or talk. I couldn't keep my eyes open and I was drooling all over myself. My legs couldn't support me.

I tried to hide it by getting in bed but the doctor came to see me and wanted me out of bed. I couldn't get my words out at all. So they cottoned on that I'd taken something and made me go to hospital. I kept coming round and being ok for a while. I refused to stay at the hospital and came back to the ward. Then the doctor came again to talk to me. Can't remember what happened really. But I was falling asleep as he was talking to me and him and a nurse kept shouting at me to stay awake.

Then half an hour later I was fine again. Went out for a cig and got back in bed and kept spilling scolding hot tea on me as I kept falling asleep. It was all quite surreal. I really didn't think that that amount of medication would have such an effect on me. It wasn't even 4x the max prescribed dose.

Today I've been very anxious. Urges are high. I've tried to be good. I've sought out a staff member and come out my room because there was too much temptation for me. I've taken some prn medication so I am hoping that that will kick in soon. It usually works well for me this particular combination. So I need to give it chance to work on me.

The ward I'm on is pretty quiet. So that's good. Hopefully I can manage this stay without informing my family.

I want to manage on my own. They are not helpful anyway when I'm ill. I tell them I don't want them to visit anyway so can't see point in telling them I'm here.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Found A Bed

Going to hospital for a few days. They did find a bed in the end. I am going to use it as some respite and will use the staff so that I don't harm etc.

Monday, 11 August 2014

3 Years...

The problems have been going on much longer than 3 years. I first went to a doctor about my problems in 2006. But, it is 3 years today since I was first hospitalised. After pretty much a year in hospital, the majority of this spent on Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU), where have I come? Where am I?

The main thing I would say is I am more aware of what causes the mood changes. How something spirals for me. How smaller things build up and I get sucked in to to the illness. Get engulfed by it. But, it being aware progress? It's still happening isn't it? I am still self harming. I am still making plans. I am still feeling the same as I was 3 years ago. I have the same thought processes. OK, I suppose I can manage to stay well for longer. I have realised the importance of a healthy lifestyle. I cut down alcohol, I exercise, I eat well. But, when I get bad. I get bad. Just as bad, if not worse than I was before. Each time it seems worse. The self harm gets worse. The plans become more solid. So what do I do? I don't see a way out of this. 

I am more willing to accept help now. But, I feel as though I can't win. I don't like asking for help as I worry as I am being seen as attention seeking. I don't like to specify what helps and what doesn't because I worry that I will be seen as manipulative. I don't feel like I can speak out and voice how I am really feeling in case I am seen to be manipulating them. 

The feelings are getting stronger and more intense. But, I don't feel as though I can tell them that. Because, I am waiting for a bed in hospital. And I worry that if I say how much more intense the urges and feelings are getting then it looks as though I am saying "you best hurry up and get me a bed or I will do something to hurt myself". 

I feel that by saying I won't take a bed in a particular hospital (about 45miles away) that I am seen as being manipulative. I have my reasons about not wanting to take this bed. It's so far away and I don't know any of the staff, so have no relationship with anyone at all. I worry what this will do to my impulses etc...I don't feel as though I can win. I know from past experience I need to be around people I have a relationship with already. It helps me be more honest and open with them. Also, they can read me. They know what works for me as well. For instance, if hospital does not help and the risks increase because I am in hospital, they know that being in hospital is not good for me. So, they will discharge me. I worry that if I am somewhere I don't know and being in hospital made me worse, that the staff would counter act this by placing me in a more secure ward or putting me on a section. And then that would make me worse. 
In the past hospital admissions haven't been helpful. I am taking a risk saying I will go in. It may not help. But on the chance it will, I have said I am willing to be admitted. Also, I really can't keep myself safe at the moment. I am doing risky things and getting by taking small regular overdoses. My irrational mind tells me that because I was checked out at hospital on Friday, that it's obviously ok for me to carry on doing what I was doing. There is some rational thought in there somewhere. But, it's fleeting and I can't grab on to it.
One of the things that is always on my mind when having being diagnosed with traits of PD is that I am seen as manipulative. I have seen and heard many comments from professionals about people with the diagnosis. I feel that everything I do is being scrutinised and everything I do is labelled as a PD thing. That me self harming is just an attention seeking thing, that me saying no to a bed and still self harming is just manipulating them in to finding one in the hospital I would prefer. That me being honest and telling them how I feel and that I do need help is me being manipulative of them making them find a bed quicker.
I think being stuck with the label of a PD diagnosis or even PD traits is a bloody awful thing. I feel as though I am untreatable and that anything I do I am attention seeking. 
I'm torn as to what to do. Pull away because I don't want to be seen as though I am attention seeking (but risk things getting a lot worse), or ask for help but risk being seen as attention seeking and manipulative and possibly not getting treatment as if I am attention seeking it's best not to reward attention seeking behaviour.
I need help, I know that. But, does that necessarily mean I am attention seeking? Does having the insight in to the fact that I need help mean that I don't actually need it?

So, I feel pretty messed up over this. I wonder if I could manage on my own. Tell them that I don't need their input. To give it to someone who would benefit more. Someone who is suffering psychosis for instance. 
I think they are pretty much giving up on me anyway. I won't be seeing G for much longer. I do appreciate why. He can't go on seeing me forever. I can't carry on seeing him just because I like him and feel as though I can be honest with him. I do find the meetings helpful most of the time. I have found someone who I can open up to and I can trust that they are doing what's in my best interests. And, someone who tells it like it is. He will question me and make me think. And get annoyed with me when I am being stupid. But, I can't say how much it has helped over all in the grand scheme of things as I have nothing to compare it to. I can't say where I would be if I had had never had the therapy. 
It does worry me though that the medics say all I need is therapy, that medication isn't the answer. So, for the last 2.5 years I have been doing therapy. Medication isn't the answer apparently. So what is?

I feel like I have failed at the whole therapy thing. Surly after such intense work I shouldn't be where I am now. But, I do really like G. I am untreatable, I will always be like this. I am a drain on resources. 

At the same time though, if therapy is the answer, I don't want to stop it. I need to continue to work at it. I worry that if I stop, or see someone else I won't be able to open up to them. I will have to start all over again. 

I'm tired. All I can see is my life like this for the rest of my life. I have done what I have been told and I have got no where. I don't want to live my life as a constant battle of wanting to stay alive. I want to be normal.

Saturday, 9 August 2014

Not Sure I Want Input Anymore

I don't want to work with the teams any more. I am not sure if it is helping. I don't want them coming round to my house. I don't want to work with them. I just want to be left alone and to get on with the plan I had. But, that's not going to happen is it.

Also, it's the irrational side of me talking. I still have some, a tiny part of rationality left in me. But, it is there. I am making stupid decisions. Some that could have potentially ruined my life. I was stupid. But, there is a big part of me that wants to run away. I want to go check in to a hotel and not be bothered by people on the HTT etc. I don't want to see my Doctor. I don't see the point in it. But, what is stopping me is I don't have the money to go hide out in a hotel. I have rinsed my savings in the last few months.

It's all so....I don't know. I can't think of the word.