Monday, 23 November 2015

Not Discharged

Today was planned discharge date. Not surprised that I haven't been though. After the OD last week and last night cutting really bad and swallowing stuff. I refused to go to hospital at first but they said they would get the police involved and make me go if I didn't. I had them sort out my leg but I wouldn't let them x-ray me. My reason for that was because I had swallowed loads of stuff. I had told them it was only one bit. I knew if they saw the x-ray they would want to keep me in and I didn't want to stay in. I hate that place. It makes me so anxious being there.

The cuts were quite bad and they couldn't give me enough local anaesthetic, so they gave me gas too. That's great stuff. I was proper out of it. It was like I was really pissed and I was hallucinating. But, it did really hurt.

So the plan. If I am better in 2 weeks, discharge. If not...discharge or...referral to low secure place. I don't quite understand. They are polar opposites of each other. I will have some time with my key worker tomorrow and ask her their reasoning behind this. I really don't understand.

I really feel as though I have lost control at the moment. I don't know which way things are going. I am feeling suicidal, and I have plans and methods lined up. I can see that things can be better than they are now, but, I can also see that things will be where they are now again and again. This isn't a blip as some would say. I am so confused as to what is going on. I really don't feel as though I have any control over where things are going. The urges to run are huge. I want to go to the river. I want to drink myself in to oblivion and then jump in the river and die. I want to drink the antifreeze I have at home. I want to wait for the order of Amitriptyline to arrive and take those. I have a few plans. Another idea I have is getting hold of some fast acting insulin and causing a hypo. That would be painless and quick.

I want to die. But, I also have to think about college. I am supposed to be going back next week. I don't want to. After everything that has been said to me by one of the girls in the group, I feel I am going to be really up against it from the class. That they feel that it's unfair that I have been able to have the time off and they have had stress and they haven't. She basically  told me the class are pissed off that I am coming back. That's nice. So, basically I won't have any support. I am telling myself that I don't want to go back. I have done a pros and cons list about going back and there appears to be more cons about it. But, the staff here think I should be going back. I am wondering if they know best. Or do I? I don't know if I can cope from the pressure of the course. The pressure I put myself under. And this could cummilate in me doing something and ending up back in here. Or worse....PICU where fingers is. I don't know if I know best, or if they do. They want me to go back to college next week and come back here after. This will be the first week at college. They think it would be beneficial for me to have the support. But, that's all well and good, but what happens when I'm not here and I don't have the support of staff. You could say that I put myself under too much pressure, that I have set my standards too high and that I need to relax a bit over it. But, that's not going to happen

The reasons I think I should go back...are because of other people. That they have expectations of me. That, some people think I am taking the piss by being ill and I need to just suck it up and get on with it. I suppose really, they aren't great friends. But, having them is better than having no friends at all. They are fun to go drinking with etc. But, when it comes to this....they are useless. I thought one of my friends was in America until Wednesday. I whatsapped her today about something asking what time she got back Wednesday and she said she got back on Saturday. She didn't think to text me to see how I was or what is going on with me. None of them know I am still in hospital because they haven't asked. No one has once asked how I am. Sounds stupid, but this really made me cry. I am over emotional at the moment. Today I am tired (I was up all night at hospital and then couldn't sleep), I am in pain because of my leg, and I am on my period. On top of that the same shit running through my head at full on speed.

Do I feel safer in hospital? Do I want to be here? I suppose on some level, I must do. Or I wouldn't have been honest and told them that as soon as I get out I am going through with my plans and that if they took me off the section I wouldn't stay. I could have lied and said I knew I was stupid self harming. I knew I was stupid ODing, that the feelings are still there and I am trying to work through them. But, I didn't. I knew if I told the truth they would keep me. Although, before I went in to review they had a meeting with G (my CPN and community doc were supposed to be there too but weren't my CPN pissed me off as she has cancelled the last two appointments with me...not giving me a good impression of her really) and I asked a nurse who was also in that meeting what was said in it and she said they had pretty much decided I would be in for two more weeks. So, maybe what I said had no bearing at all. They had already made up their minds. Don't know why she bothered asking me the questions really.

I really need a cuddle. Wow, just writing that has made me tear up and start crying. What the fuck is going on. I think they need to introduce pet therapy on to the wards. I need a cuddle with my dog. I find it really therapeutic snuggling her. And that's another worry...she's really old and not doing well at all. She hasn't got long left in her now. I've had her longer than I've not had her. She is great at reading your mood and knows when you want snuggles and she lets me play with her ears...I think she likes it too. She's not that affectionate with anyone else but she is with me.

I've been here before: Where long term secure has been an option. It terrifies me. But, there's something weird in me that wants to push them see how far they are willing to go. Why? I don't know. Maybe I am not getting enough from what I am getting. Maybe it would validate how I feel and make others see just how serious it is and it is something that I can't just suck up. There is something in me that wants to have someone completely take over. If I didn't have my own flat, then, I would probably push it. I feel as though I need to have someone else have control as I can't control it. But, I think their thinking is at the moment I need to try and regain some control and that's why I should be given leave etc. That I should go back to college. I feel so detached from everything. Even after last night...I want to SH again. I want to do something. Even with the threat of low secure hanging over me....I want to do a runner to the river. I want to drink in to oblivion and jump in.

I really really don't know what to do. My head is a mess. It's all fucked up. But, I getting a bit of a high off the tramadol. My leg is so painful. And there are very few painkillers I can take without getting sick, even though this is probably over kill, I can't take anything codeine based, or diclofenac, and I had a reaction to nefapam last week. The only one I haven't is tramadol, which is weird considering how much stronger it is.

I asked one of the girls on the ward if she smoked weed...I knew she had done other drugs. I've asked to to give the phone number of one of her contacts so I can get some weed. I think it may actually help at the moment.

I am beginning to waffle now. I didn't think I had so much to write about.

Friday, 20 November 2015

Quick Update

Still in hospital under a section 3.

I am doubtful that I will be discharged Monday as was the plan. I did a runner and took an OD. Ended up coming round in resus with a nurse from the ward with me. I can't remember much. But, my plan was to take the meds and get to the river. The meds kicked in before I made it to the river. I passed out in the street somewhere near the close but so far. I had been pouching some of my meds and I used those to take an OD. I didn't think that they would do much on their own other than make me sleepy. I didn't expect it to give me heart and bp problems. My keyworker asked me where I got the meds from and I was honest with her. She has it in her head that I don't think I deserve the meds. She is blaming me not taking those meds properly in 3 weeks on how I am feeling now. I don't know why she thinks I think I don't deserve them. I don't think that way. I was pouching them as I was planning on doing what I did. I knew the effect (well thought I knew) of what they did.I didn't expect them to work so quickly and make me pass out. Maybe having them with alcohol increased the effect of them.

My keyworker is nice. I have a band 6 nurse as mine, which is useful as she has a lot of say in how things go on the ward. So, if I raise something with her she can react to it and get it done because she is all their boss. She's nice, but, she has those "oh poor you" eyes and talks like ahhhh awwww awwww poor you....but without actually saying that. Maybe she does feel for me, but it seems a bit much at times. Sometimes G's approach of "what the fuck K, what are you messing around at...that's bull shit etc etc etc" helps. He is a real person and pretty much says what he thinks.

I still have plans and I have ordered some meds online. I have the plan of the river still and want to go ahead with that plan. It's getting colder now so I would think that the plan of the river would happen quite quickly.

I don't really want to go back to college. It hasn't helped that the person who is closest to my age has been very unsupportive. Has been rude and very unkind. I can't face another 7 months of that. I can't handle the work. And...if I am planning on ending my life it's no use to me anyway.I think the meds will come the middle of next week. I plan on trying to get to the river again tomorrow or Sunday. I just need to make sure the member of staff who is with me can't run. And, I wouldn't want to run from someone I like. I would feel bad about that. The weekend is usually bank staff who don't have a clue about anything.

I am not even sure how long I have been here now. It is either 6,7 or 8 weeks. I really don't know. It's weird though, in the past, I have known it is time to go when I get bored. I have not been bored. I am worried that is a sign that I should be here. I don't want to be. I want to be free to carry out my plan and not have interference.

Tuesday, 27 October 2015


My key worker thinks I will be in another 4 weeks if things go well. That's not the news I wanted to hear.

I am trying to distract myself. The thoughts are really intense. I am not sleeping properly, but that may be because I am pouching the quetiapine and just having a nibble out of it. It's enough so I am not getting full on withdrawal, but it does mean I am not sleeping the best. I am just biding my time and trying to appear as normal as possible. They'll let me go if I come across as sane and keep my mouth shut.

I have found the last couple of days that I haven't taken it I am not as hungry and not eating as much, so that is actually making me feel better about myself. Although, it also means I don't have the benefits of the drug. However, on the other hand, it's fun to OD on. I've got some saved up from not taking them. In a week or so, I will have enough to make me feel quite out of it, with that and the alcohol I get I will float nicely away to the end.

Monday, 26 October 2015


I feel every behaviour I have it put under scrutiny and it is just leading to a label as me being unstable. Take today. The nurse as soon as she saw me was telling me I needed to take my meds that moment, if I didn't I couldn't have a cigarette. I don't have my meds until 11. She was quite adamant as I hadn't taken them a couple of times when she was on last week, but, I have king of started a regime with them again. I don't take one of them, I hide that one and take a small bite out of it. I hate what it does to me. It dulls me. It sedates me too much. And, it makes me eat. I can't fill myself. I don't want to be like that when I have worked so hard to lose weight. I can't stop it completely as I really bad withdrawal effects from it.

Obviously I was quite angry with this nurse. They think I am taking all meds each night, and have been since Wednesday. So, I was pissed off that the first time she saw me she was up in my face. I got angry at her and told her how it had been for the last few nights and to ask the nurse she was going meds with as she has been on the last couple of nights. She soon calmed down. But I was pissed off. I then was muttering under my breath about how she is the only one who gets up all in my face about it making me anxious. She stormed out the med room having a go at me saying I was telling lies to the other patients and it wasn't fair on her. I was just muttering to myself about how I felt. I just said if that's what you think then fair enough but I wasn't. I have issues with this nurse. I get they want to check I am ok at night. I have asked them not to turn the light on, but I wedge the door so then can quietly pop and in make sure I am ok. She doesn't quietly pop in, she comes in all guns blazing and rips the covers from me. I can't sleep without the window open as it is suffocating in those rooms. The mattress is plastic as are the duvets and pillows so you can imagine you can get quite hot, so you need the window open to breath fresh air and so that I can sleep how I like...all snuggled up. It makes me feel a bit secure and less anxious. I am aware people need to look at me at night...I don't have the best history. But to come in so noisily and yank the blankets off me, it's as though she is doing it to make a point.

I've had a bad day today and have been very close to cutting and tying up to try and kill myself. I have managed the thoughts on my own.I hadn't acted on them, I came close and I had it planned. But I didn't. Then she comes on and all those thoughts just come back even stronger. I am not going to talk to her about it, because my early behaviour of shouting at her and getting angry will reinforce their theory that I am not stable.

I feel everything I do is just feeding in to their theory that I am not stable.
I don't think there is anything to do.
I don't know what I have to do to get out of here. I am taking my meds (mostly), I talk to staff, I do what they tell me to do. But, I have that thing there where I know I want to kill myself and I know how I will do it. I can't see that thought changing. I don't think I have low mood. So, it's not as though the judgement is based on that. It is something I have to do. I can't see the ward changing my views on this.

So, I don't know how I am going to get out of here. If I lie and I say I have changed my mind I don't think that they will believe me. I am adamant about this.

I've been hearing a voice that is telling me I need to work on getting away from here by forms of escape. That things won't change for me. That what I want to do is the right option. It's like someone has infiltrated my thoughts and they are projecting their thoughts in to my head. It's like an internal conversation and all I can say is I am trying. I am looking for misplaced keys, I am looking for a bank staff member to let me off the wall. Now the nights are dark at 5pm, I think I may find this easier. But, on the other hand, I need to wait until the majority of staff have left and all that is left is ward staff. So, it would need to be around 8pm. I know where I will run to and who I will call to come get me. I know where I will go to get alcohol, and I have been storing those meds which make me drowsy. The alcohol will stop me feeling the cold and the meds will make me relax. So even though the water is cold at night, I think I will be ok. This male voice is telling me how much of an inconvience I am to other people. That I am a horrible person for the things I done in the past.

I'm having some pretty intense dreams to where people who I have been close to who have died have been telling me they are waiting for me and to hurry up. With my own thoughts, that I am clear on, I know what I have in my mind is the right thing to do and it's what I need to do.

Thursday, 22 October 2015

Section 3

I've been put on a section 3. I don't really understand it. I have been told so many times that being in hospital is not beneficial to me. Yet, they put me on a section 3. I don't understand why.

I think I will be in for at least a couple of weeks. My doctor is off all next week and so I won't be reviewed again until the Tuesday at the earliest. My section 2 wasn't due to end until a week on Saturday. Seems wrong that it can be assessed so early in to the 2. I may look at legal support over this.

I am not sure what I am doing at the moment. I can't face the tribunal process. That would make me ill in itself.

Monday, 19 October 2015


I am so anxious. I am trying to distract myself. Not sure what to say. I can’t think in a coherent way, so not sure why I think I can write.

I don’t like what the medication does to me. I hate being on meds. I didn’t take it last night. I didn’t sleep. I figure the withdrawal will only be a couple of days, I can deal with that. Also means I can not eat too. I feel better knowing I have that under control. The medication makes me hungry. I want to eat all the time. I think some of it is boredom too, but, for today, I have that under control.

I told them I don’t want to see the doctor, I wouldn’t go in to see her. I don’t see the point in sitting there and being told I am wrong. I am clear about what I want. They know that. But, they don’t want to hear it, and I don’t want to hear them telling me my thoughts are wrong. So, I figured I just wouldn’t go in. I am supposed to be seeing G tomorrow. I think I will tell them to cancel him. I don’t want to sit there while he gets pissed off at me and tell me I am wrong too. His time is better spent with someone who will benefit from it. 

I think they are trying to wind me up on purpose to make me flip. 

Sunday, 18 October 2015

Still Feeling The Same

Still on a section 2. Not managed to run. Not been allowed to leave the ward in about 10days now. I feel as though I am in prison. I feel like a caged animal. Being in my room and suddenly the light going on and people peering through the window at me, watching me. I feel as though I am being punished because my thoughts don't conform with the majority.

I feel like a waste of space. I waste of air. Suppose so called friends who have "understanding don't help". I was saying to her I felt really guilty as all I am doing is sitting in a corner all day and watching stuff on netflix. That there are people on my college course who are really stressed out as it was hand in yesterday on a project that I have had to drop as I haven't been in the right frame of mind to work. Her reply was why haven't you done something while you are in hospital? I tried to explain to her that I lack the ability to read anything and produce a coherent sentence about it. All she said was that I sounded coherent to her. Being judged YET AGAIN!

They all do it. They all judge me. I think they think it's something I can snap out of. Something that I am wrong because I am here. That, well, not that they're jealous, but, somehow resent that I am not working full time, that I am here. That I am somehow weak and that I use this as some way of a reasoning for not being in work full time. I think they think I have it easy and that they wish they could "sit around all day doing nothing". I think I have said it before, but, I wish so much I was able to work full time. That I had been able to complete my social work training and be working as a social worker full time. That I had that 9-5 career. I'm sure they think that I should take just any job and if needs be move back with my parents and "suck it up". They all have their own shit. They don't have the luxury of falling a part as I have done. I am lucky.

I realised just now, only one of my "friends" has actually contacted me to see if I am ok. One of the girls texts me her usual trivial shit about her cats or something equally as inane. BUt, she has not once asked how things are. It has been me who volunteered. I get that I may have let them down in someway because I may have made plans. Or that they're busy But, it doesn't take 2 minutes to send a text to ask how things are.

Is it me. Am I being over sensitive. Am I over thinking and reading in to things wrong. Or, am I right in my thinking? Is it because this is my I don't know how many times now I've been in hospital that they don't actually care that much? If I was on a medical ward because of a medical illness, would things be different? If I had a medical illness that wiped me out as much as mental illness, would things be different?

On top of this, my brother hasn't contacted me once in the two weeks I have been here. And my Mum makes it seem as though I am inconvienience. That she is not sure she can find time in her such busy schedule to come see me and on the way stop at a shop to pick me up something for lunch or some tobacco.

I hate being reliant on people. I hate asking people to do things for me. One friend, ONE makes the effort to message me everyday. Asks how things are and asks me if I want her to do some shopping for me and drop it in for me. She'll go out of her way for me.

I get this sounds like "oh, poor me". But...I feel shit!

Wednesday, 14 October 2015

The Insignificance Of One

What is significant about life? I am one of billions of people, there were billions before me, and there will be billions after. So why is there so much preciousness (I know that's not a word) put on life. And especially mine.

Why am I in hospital?

Why are they stopping me from doing what I want to do. Why am I being punished for realising the insignificance. I have clarity. Yet, it's as though they are wanting to shut me up.

 It's like something out of 1984. The Thought Police want to keep me quiet. They don't want me to put my views on to other people or to do what is right. I am being kept quiet. I am being made to stay here, a symbolic room 101 until I give in and come around to their way of thinking.

They will make me take their medication. They will make me see doctors/nurses/other "professionals" until I tell them that they are right and I am wrong.

What is the point in life. There were billions before me, and there will be billions after. So why am I being kept here. Why? What is the significance of one. Life is nothing.

For now I will sit here biding my time. I will sit on my laptop and spend my time watching crap on Netflix, listening to music etc etc. But, the time will come. My time will come when I get to do what is right.

Monday, 12 October 2015

No Change

I am obsessed by the river at the moment. I don’t know why. All my thoughts seem to be how I can get out of the hospital and get to the river. I thought I may have been presented with an opportunity last night but that didn’t happen. A wound has reopened on my leg and it is quite deep. I didn’t re open it myself, but I suppose it is my own fault. I shaved my legs and it pulled some of the sutures out. So it reopened. I have to get it seen to but, I won’t be going to hospital as they need 2 members of staff to take me as of my flight risk. So, I don’t think I’ll be going anywhere. Besides, I don’t want to go anywhere with a 2 member of staff escort. People stare. So, I would rather leave a hole in my leg than that.

I am always looking at my ways of escape from the ward. I have a review with the doc later, I am hoping she may give me some leave and if she does I can escape then. If not, I have positioned a chair near the fence outside, I think I could probably hop the fence if needs be. I will have to wait until it is dark though.

I am not sure if being in hospital is making things worse for me. I feel anxious all the time. It doesn’t help that I don’t really know why I am here. OK, I know being suicidal is probably the case, but, I have been suicidal before and haven’t been sectioned. I don’t understand what is different this time. I am seeing G tomorrow. I am feeling quite apprehensive about it. It will be the first time I have seen him since that night he was at my flat and I was assessed. I can’t remember what I had said to him or what really happened. I am not sure if he will fill me in or not. I may try get access to my notes to see what happened. But then on the other hand, I am not sure if I want to see any of G’s notes.

So the section 2 still stands and I have no idea what is going to happen to me. I have no idea how long I am likely to be here for. I have a feeling it’s going to be a while. It worries me with G thinking I needed to be in too. If he still thinks that, then I am screwed as he is the person who knows me the best. 

Saturday, 10 October 2015

Another Section 2

I am not sure how it happened. I have no recollection of the assessment and no memory of getting here. But, a week ago I ended up on another section 2. I was supposed to see G last Friday, but I cancelled as I didn't think it would be helpful as I couldn't put any order to my thoughts. But then, at around 6pm last Friday night there was a knock at my door and G was standing there. I think my words were "what the fuck are you doing here"? I vaguely remember him saying he was worried and wanted to make sure I was ok and him saying they were coming to do an assessment that evening. But, I can't remember anything else.

The last week has been awful. I don't really know what is going on. I have ran off twice and ended up in the local river twice. It has become something of an obsession. I am putting on an act. I am ok, I am ok, I am ok. If I say it enough to them they may believe me. Hey, if I say it enough, I may believe it myself. Like in this song

I feel like I am high. But, I have the negative thoughts. I feel really weird. I have never felt like this before.

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Quick Update

Things are going shit. Basically. Crisis team are as useful as a chocolate tea pot. There's not much point in them. They want to up their input. I can't see the point. I'm not in hospital. I discharged myself a couple of weeks back. I thought things were ok then. But they're obviously not.

Thoughts to end it are so intense. I can't fight them.

Thursday, 10 September 2015

Wednesday 9th September

Anxiety in over drive. Just had a quick session with G. I feel so anxious now. It has brought things to the surface. He knows I haven’t been eating. I admitted I felt really anxious about it now and didn’t feel as though I could. He practically dragged me to the dining room after the session. I picked up 2 satsumas and now they are there in front of me and I can’t eat them. I have this thing that it is something I can control. Everything else is going to shit around me and I can’t control anything. But, I can control what I eat. It’s stupid. I already feel like a failure, if I eat it will reaffirm my belief that I am a failure. It’s been a week since I had anything at all. And, then, it was only half a sandwich that they made me have at that private place. Before that, I ate as little as possible. While I was on my running away thing up north, I had some breakfast each morning. Usually one piece of bacon, an egg, black pudding and a piece of toast. That is all I had all day and I only had that because I was going walking and I didn’t want to pass out on a mountain. I don’t know how long it is since I had a meal. Or a meal I didn’t throw up after, it’s been over 2 weeks. I’ve got it in my head now that I need to control this. I can’t control anything else. I can’t eat yet. I hadn’t actually told anyone the whole idea of eating makes me really anxious. He said in my face he could tell I hadn’t been eating as I look all drawn and the longer it goes on the worse it will be. That I need to eat for my meds to work properly.

I had a urine test and it showed that there were ketones in it. This means that the body is not breaking down glucose to create energy, but fat. They are saying it is a bad thing, to me it seems like a good thing.
I talked a bit about R today. I really miss him. I am trying to convince myself that it is for the best. That I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t show or talk about their emotions as I over think things and try to read in to everything. I need someone to be straight with me. I miss him so much it hurts. I really want to cry about it, but I am on high obs and I hate crying in front of people.

I’ve got really big urges to do something. The anxiety around food, talking to G and the whole thing with R has really got to me now. I feel overwhelmed. I am on high obs, I should really make use of the staff that I have around me. I need to be good and make the best of it.