Plan For Tonight

Really feeling so anxious and don't really know what to do with myself.

So I have a bit of a plan. Try and last out until 9pm. If I still feel the same I am going to go for a drive with some really loud music. Try and blast it out of me.

If that doesn't make me feel any better then I am going to have a couple of drinks. I didn't sleep last night and I need something to help.

I don't really feel like calling Crisis Team as last time they made me so angry. I am not going to call and be told I will feel better if I eat an apple and a banana. What is the point in calling and being told useless stuff that will just make me feel worse.

I don't know how I am getting through at the moment and that I haven't done anything more serious than cutting and swallowing. I am scared I am going to end up back in hospital.

I feel positive about this new therapy. Well, I don't actually. But, it seems more suited to me and think it could have a chance at working. It's going to be hard work. But there could be some light at the end of the tunnel with this.

This could be the not living like this anymore. This could see me not wanting to die. But at the moment it is all I think about. I have to try and fight it as this therapy could see things change.

CPN Visit

Had a home visit this morning. We talked a bit about the last week or so and my attendance at the ED on Sunday night. She was trying to make me see the positives of it. She was saying how although I did end up in the ED it could have been worse if the ambulance and police weren't called as I could have done something which would have killed me or landed me in hospital for a lot longer than a couple of hours. So even though it was an awful experience, she said it could have been worse and that in the police and ambulance being involved there were some positives as I wasn't putting myself in immediate danger.

She was saying it's quite hard as we have different views on what is the best outcomes for me. She said it seems as though my main focus and if I call services is to do something that will make me feel better. Their focus is while they want me to feel better their main focus is keeping me safe and that I don't really seem to bother about this as I just want to feel better. In other words I am not bothered about my own safety. I've never thought about it like that before and I suppose she is right. I will do anything to feel better, even if it's just temporary and this can involve something like self harming or worse, to make it permanently better.

I told her about being told to eat an apple and a banana and that I will feel better. She did say she didn't know where he was coming from when he said this and could imagine it was pretty useless advice. I told her it made me furious.

So then we talked about my last psychology session. I said I wasn't really told much about why the DBT wouldn't be suitable and she said that from the assessment it highlighted just how much I avoid things. Not just with other people but with myself and that I will avoid thinking about things that are hard. She said how this obviously wasn't working and that it needed to change. So that is why Schema Therapy has been suggested as it will work on why I do that.

I raised my concerns with her about how I thought it placed too much emphasis on childhood and that I thought my upbringing was pretty normal. And she basically said that's not what you have told me or the psychologist. She said it is not normal how after nearly dying it is not even discussed with your mother. I told her that was the way I wanted it. She said there were other things as well. So, it seems as though my perception of what is normal probably isn't normal after all. I also said to her I was really worried I was going to change my perception on things and this could lead to me feeling differently about my whole life and I was scared about that. She said that that was pretty normal and that my psychologist would be aware that this is a normal feeling and work through things gently and help me overcome these feelings so that I am not bothered by them. That has kind of put my mind at ease a bit over it. But I am really scared about how it is going to make me feel doing this. I mean, I am probably going to be told what I thought was normal and acceptable and the whole basis of my life isn't normal or acceptable. How do you deal with something like that?

On the way out she spotted the empty vodka bottles. I had meant to take the recycling out before she came and hide them under a load of papers in the bins so the neighbours couldn't see (shared bins), but I forgot. So there they were in plain view on the side. I had opened the door for her and she saw them. She told me to close the door a minute and asked me if I had been drinking. I could hardly lie when the evidence of the empty bottles was in right in front of her. So I admitted it. She said how I should be aware that it can make me worse in terms of impulsiveness and she asked how much I had been self harming. I down played it a bit and didn't tell her about the swallowing stuff nearly every day but said I last cut on Sunday afternoon. The drinking wouldn't be a problem if I could stop after say half a bottle of vodka. But no, once it's open I have to finish it and get myself in to a comatose state. I do like the feeling of being drunk, and it helps with my sleep. But I know I get to the point where I think blow it, fuck it all and just drink until I pass out. I am trying to lose weight at the moment through weight watchers and there are a lot of points in alcohol. It's the only reason I haven't drank more. I would be drinking probably every night if I weren't trying to lose weight. I didn't tell her this though.

That's about it really.

Psychologist next Thursday. Not looking forward to that as I am sure he will be having a go at me for getting drunk. I know I shouldn't and I know I should be avoiding it but I do it anyway. I must be so frustrating. I'd hate me if I was them. I am the worst type of patient. I know what I should be doing but I don't do it.

Selfish Bitch

It's what I am. I know self medicating with a bottle of vodka isn't the brightest of ideas. But, it seems to numb the pain slightly. I can get so pissed I can sleep for a few hours and block everything out.

Last night I tried to kill myself again. Not in my usual style. I tried jumping in front of a bus but it moved out the way and then some lad dragged me to the side of the road. How selfish am I getting other people wrapped up in my misery. I am a driver and I would never forgive myself if I killed someone by knocking them down. I would keep thinking that there should have been something I could have done. So why would I do that to someone else. Because I am a selfish bitch. It's the only explanation.

My CPN called me yesterday as she has been made aware of what has been going on. I tried calling her back but she then wasn't at her desk. I couldn't keep trying as I was spending some time with my Dad as he is going away for about 3 weeks to cycle from Land's End to John O'Groats for charity. So I wanted to be with him as I won't see him for a while. And, I needed to make sure he wouldn't worry about me so I was putting on a front.

I'm not going to tell them about last night. They already know too much as I was assessed by DPM the other day, so they will know that the police were involved etc.

I was lucky that I wasn't placed on a 136 last night. If they had seen me or that lad have called them I would have been. Not what I need at the moment. I am really sorry about my behaviour. I can't believe I was so selfish to put someone in that position. And I wasn't very pleasant to him either. I am such a selfish bitch.

A Lie

It's all a lie.

I don't have majorly low moods. I don't go higher every now and then. I don't see things that aren't real come to life. The cutting is just to get attention. It's obviously some kind of Munchhausen's Syndrome. I make it all up. I need the attention. It's got to be that hasn't it.

Well, that's what I think they think. Could they be right and as someone has said before, it's all just a fucked up fantasy. I was never sectioned. I didn't spend over 8 months on a PICU and basically a year on a section. I have never taken overdoses to kill me that landed me in ITU on a ventilator. It's all in my head. It's not real.

Oh, how I wish this was the case.

Times Like This

It's when things are like this and I actually think if sending me to a secure unit, like they wanted to, would have been best for me.

I can't keep myself safe. I can't look after myself. At the moment my thing is Vodka. I am drinking to release myself from the feelings. But, in all honesty that doesn't work either.

On June 22nd 2012 I had an assessment with some people from a low secure unit. But I paid lip service. I told them what they wanted to hear and it stopped me from going there. My Psychologist has said since he has wondered if it was for the best as it would stop him being so worried about me. I think he had quite a bit to do with me not going there as well. Well, he was the person I was talking to in so much detail about things. I knew for months that this assessment was going to happen. It was about February time that they said they were referring me. So, I suppose I down played everything. Yes, I told them I was having urges. But I suppose I was only half honest with them. I knew what they wanted to hear, and I said it. I knew they wanted to admit I had problems, but I told them I was aware of them and that I knew the triggers and I knew how to deal with them before they turned in to full blown problems.

But now I am wondering if I had have gone to one, where would I be now. I would have been forced to do a lot of things I didn't want to, but maybe that would have helped. Would it have helped. I don't think the staff on that PICU wanted to send me somewhere like that. But then what they say to you and what they actually think is a different matter.

I don't want to go back in to hospital. But you know what is making me say that. It's my flat. I love my flat. I love living on my own. I love how homely I have it. It's comfortable. I just love it. I sit looking at the fireplace and it's amazing. A big feature fireplace. It's got loads of character. If I was living with my parents I probably would concede and go back in. But I have more motivation to stay out now. I keep thinking if I am away for more than 30days I am not insured. If I am away for more than 30 days I won't have the housing benefit paid. So if I go back in, I will lose my home. A home that I love.

A while a go my Psychologist mentioned a long term place he thought I should consider. It is for people with problems similar to mine. You are not under section but there are strict rules and procedures that you have to follow. Typical length of stay is 12 months. But, I can't go there. Anyway, it's mostly DBT based and now they are saying that that isn't suitable. So that is out. Maybe, well it probably is at the moment that I feel I need someone to take over all care of me as it is pretty obvious I can't do it for myself. That's a schema there. Something to work on!

So today I had to go for blood tests to check out my hormone levels and thyroid function. I have only one memory of meeting the nurse I saw, but as soon as I walked in she was like "wow, you change your hair every time I see you". I am sure I only saw her November time for a wound check. I was getting really anxious about the blood tests as since I was in hospital I really have a thing about people jabbing me with needles. Weird considering I blood let for so long, and the amount of OD's and hospital admissions. But yeah, I was freaking. I have really shit veins and they can't usually get anything from me. But I was so surprised she managed to get a vein first time and I hardly felt a thing. Any future tests I am going back to her. She was lovely.

Tonight is the first night I take the Lamotrigine. There are some pretty serious side effects to it, which include a rash that can actually kill you. In some ways I hope I get it. That will make it a lot easier for me. Although, saying that, it's a pretty ugly rash. Blistering etc, so if it doesn't kill you it could leave you scarred. I do have a lot of scars already. It is something that I hate and makes me feel so ugly. I already have massive body conscious issues so the scars don't help. But, they can all be covered by long sleeve tops and long trousers. But this rash could be on my face and visible. So I have a lot of scars, I am overweight and disgusting, but I am still quite vain. I think it's one of the reasons why the fact I nearly had a tracheostomy really got to me as that would have been a visible scar.

Downstairs seem to be at it again with people over and generally being noisy. It makes me really anxious as it could lead to screaming and shouting which really gets to me. It may not as well, but there is that potential. So I sit there all anxious waiting for it to happen. I know I am such a pessimistic. Psychologist has told me off for it as have my friends. But the way I see it, I have less chance of being hurt if I expect it.

Ok, the screaming has now started. Grrrr.

Hospital

I had a nightmare night.

I called crisis team at about 2am. I was really struggling. I didn't know what to do. The guy I spoke to was useless. He actually told me to have an apple and a banana and I would feel better. I mean, seriously???? Crisis Team don't work nights it goes through to the 136 suite. So the guy I spoke to was a qualified mental health nurse. You would have thought he could come up with better advice than that.

So I called NHS Direct for some advice as I didn't know what to do. They got an out of hours GP to call me back and he panicked and called the police and an ambulance. They all came storming in and dragged me from my bed. I said I didn't want to go with them but they forced me.

I can't remember the journey to hospital but the next thing I know I am being restrained by the police on the bed. I really didn't want to be there. They were threatening me with placing me on a 136 and I kind of lost it. Not the best behaviour to be showing when you don't want to be sectioned. They put leg restraints on. The male police officer was horrible. He grabbed me by the neck and I actually thought he was going to strangle me. He was so over the top. He had a massive attitude problem and he really hurt me. But, there is no point complaining as I don't know who he was and it would be my word against his and being as though I was drunk I would never be believed.

I had a little nap and when I woke up there was no one around. So I walked out the department. I walked all through the hospital up to the main entrance, got some cash out and got in a cab. As the cab was about to pull off two different police officers came up saying they were looking for me and could I go with them back to the ED as I was reported as missing and they needed the department of psychological medicine to assess me. They said if I didn't go with them they would put me on a 136.

I'd seen them while I was on my way out and managed to avoid them. How they spotted me in the cab I don't know. I walked right past them and they didn't do anything and then they got me in the cab. I said this to them and they thought it was funny how I had managed to walk straight past them. How they knew it was me I don't know.

So back in the ED they said my pulse was racing and that I needed to stay in on one of the wards. I told them there was no way I was staying in. So the nurse went off to speak to the consultant and they said they needed me to stay but they couldn't force me. Then a security guard was placed outside my cubicle saying I was on red alert and needed to make sure I wouldn't do a runner again. So I had 2 police escorts and a security guard. What a waste of resources for me. I feel awful. I was then taken to an interview room and the DPM came in to assess me. She didn't really have much to say. She went and spoke to crisis team and arranged for the duty worker from my team to call me back.

So, they called at about 2pm and she didn't really have much to say.

I don't feel any better and I am reaching the end of my tether. As the guy from crisis team said yesterday was that it was looking as though could be heading towards hospital again as he can see that I am going through the same pattern again. I don't want to go to hospital. I don't find it helpful. And, my neighbour works on the wards as a student doctor on placement there and that would be truly awful.

So, I don't really know what to do. Maybe an apple and a banana will help. I've only had the apple today so maybe if I have a banana too I will be magically cured.

I Forgot...

Something else. Crisis team worker asked me if I thought I needed to be in hospital. He said he thought I was heading there again. He said he had heard me like this before and had lead to my admission. He asked if I thought it was helpful. I said sometimes but if I was honest unless I was forced I wouldn't go as it can be more unhelpful than helpful sometimes. And I don't want to risk putting myself in the position where it is more unhelpful and makes me worse. If that happens it usually leads to being sectioned.

But I am now worried.

They know that I may have taken a small OD. Nothing huge, just a few pills. I mean, I am not even sure if I did. But I can see a phone call coming from my CPN on Tuesday when she is in again. I wish I hadn't said anything as I can foresee that the shit is going to hit the fan over this. I've not told them about the swallowing stuff. I can't talk about that with them as I feel my confidentiality will be broken and I will be forced in to doing things that I don't want to do and that will put me under extra stress that can be avoided and is not warranted.