Sunday, 6 July 2014

Time To Be Honest

I know I've got to do it. I suppose he needs to know the full picture of what's going on.

So tomorrow at the therapy session I'm going to tell G I've been making myself sick after eating.

I am a bit worried if it could lead to other things. But I suppose I'll have to take my chances.

I know it's not the best of habits. But it is self harm to me. A newly established one over the last few months.

This week I did it 3times. And the pattern emerged that I would do as much as I could. Drink a load of water. Then I'd get my needles out and blood let. The last couple of times quite a bit. I think the last time I hit an artery as when I took the needle out it wasn't just pouring out but shooting out.

It did worry me a bit. I suppose it's dangerous as with the purging left me light headed. What if I'd have passed out?

So tomorrow we'll be talking about that. In quite nervous. I've never mentioned it to anyone. I kind of wish at times he was a female. If I had still had my cpn I would have told her. It's sometimes easier to talk to a female about things like that.

Wish me luck.

Monday, 30 June 2014

Slacking

I have noticed in the last few months I haven't been writing on here as much as I used to. Or as much as I should. Writing on here helps me place things in to the right boxes in my head and gives me some order to my thoughts.

So where am I.

A bit lost again. Struggling again. The little voices in my head have got louder.

G thinks this is because I am stressed and have a lot going on. There is the thing with starting college, telling Uni I am not going back, stress with my family and stress with my friends.

But, even if this is the case, how I am feeling, even though I can attribute some of the way I feel to how I feel. It still sucks. I hate it.

G says I need to not reinforce my thoughts by acting on anything. If I don't act on the self harm urges or let the other thoughts get out of control I am positively reinforcing them. Not negatively. So, each time it will get easier and easier to deal with how I am feeling and the thoughts I have. I see where he is coming from. What I can't see is me actually doing that. OK, sometimes I have. But other times I haven't. I do end up giving in. Even now, I am telling myself that if it gets to the beginning of August and I still feel like I do, I will allow myself to do something. I am not saying end it all. But, I mean in terms of cutting. That's fair enough isn't it? I mean, It is over a month away still. It's not like I am not going to give it a good go.

I turned 30 not long ago. I feel shit about that. 30 was my base age growing up of what was old. Even when I was in my early 20's. People have been taking the piss out of me because I was feeling shit about it. But, they don't know the real reasons. Not how I really feel about it. I can't say it is, and I know they probably look at my life and all they see is me not working and going on holiday etc etc. They don't look beneath the surface and see what is really going on. I am probably doing it with them. But, they have careers, they have a house, they are in a long term relationship or at least able to think about going there. I am nowhere near any of these. I had all these ideas that by the time I was my age I would have it sorted. Not be in a position where I can't work as of the illness, not be too scared to go anywhere near a relationship. I would love to have some sense of normality in my life. Not walk around wishing I was dead. Not counting the medication I have in and then googling whether or not it would kill me, not thinking I need to swallow something. Not seeing swallowing something as a not really self harming thing. Not writing about swallowing something and going to the cupboard I keep things in and swallow something because even writing about it makes the urge uncontrollable.

I pictured being 30 as being married, having kids, having a nice(ish) house, having a career where I earn a decent wage and not being entry level. I have none of this. And, I am no where near getting any of it. From being about 13, I have known I have wanted kids. I always said by the time I was 25 I would like them. I saw people who said they wanted to wait until they were in their 30's as being quite odd. I wanted kids young. I wanted to be a young Mum. I wanted to be young enough so that when the kids are old enough and I have made money in a career I could go on nice holidays like my parents have done. OK, I know they're not happy. But still. Another thing I want is I wanted my kids to grow up with cousins who are close in age so that they could be friends. My nephews are 5 and 3 now. I suppose, they can be babysitters for me when they are older at least.

So, G asked me to think about a few things. He told me to write them down so I would remember. The thing is, although I wrote them down I am not exactly sure in what context he wanted me to think about them. Do I look at just one aspect, or to every area of my life. Every area would take me ages.

What schemas are active? What traps are there? What would the healthy adult response be?

Do urges/thoughts etc fit with my priorities, do they block me from achieving them?

Do urges/thoughts fit with meeting my needs or are they getting in the way of it?

What would the consequences be in terms of reinforcing schemas?

Are my priorities and needs the same as my values? What are they and how do you act so they are affective for you?

I really don't know where to start with this. It's like I have been given an essay to write and I have no idea what I am doing. It is harder than my bloody masters level social work essays. And I only have a week to think about it. I have know idea what I need to do with this.

Sunday, 15 June 2014

Friends

I've been here before. I do have a massive sense of Deja Vu. And I think, it's approaching the time I need to do something about it.

Before my trip with them I had a few doubts. People have said to me a few times, that perhaps I need to find some new friends. I saw G on Wednesday last week. He put it in a slightly more diplomatic way. He said it sounded like my friends didn't meet my needs. And that I needed to think about how my friends met my needs. He wanted me to write a list.

This is basically what I have come up with...

In the unmet needs side of things, I have got...

I don't feel supported in what I do.
Feel as what ever I do do in trying to move on is scrutinised.

Basically with this, it comes from me wanting to change career all together. But, I feel any steps I have made with this have come under huge scrutiny and I feel that I am not getting any support. In the past few months I have seriously considered a career in photography. I really like it. I am quite good at it. With some teaching, I think I will be good. I have had professional photographers tell me I am good, but I need to learn how to use equipment properly and use professional equipment, not just my phone. So basically, that I have an eye and I can be trained in to being a photographer. So, I had decided I am going to leave Social Work behind for now and make a go of this. But it does mean going back to college. So I applied. I got an interview. And after loads of prep for the interview and the interview I got a place on the course. Bar one friend. No one wished me luck, no one said I hope you get on, no one congratulated me or asked me how it went. When I mentioned it it was like, oh, that's good. But with no enthusiasm at all. One of my friends, she contacted me during the day of the interview asking how I was feeling about it and wishing me luck. I had texts from her about an hour after the interview time asking me how it all went. She was supportive, she was thinking about me. But no one else does. I feel like they think I am just taking the piss and I should get any old job. I have been ill for enough time now and I should just move on.

Well, sorry, it doesn't work like that.

They make me feel guilty about how I spend my time. I've lost quite a lot of weight in the last year. I have been going to the gym and eating well. Well, most the times. As I write this I have a glass of red wine in my hand and have nuts near by. I don't brag about it or anything. But people have noticed I have lost weight. I've dropped 3 dress sizes. But then people say things like that it's easy to lose weight when you don't work. This is coming from a person who works part time so she doesn't have much of an excuse. But, it's just another dig. So because of this, I feel I have to censor what I say to people. I feel that people don't know me. If I say I was upset about something I am made to feel as though I am defective because I have been too sensitive for those feelings I have had. So I keep quiet about everything.

They don't understand my MH problems. I think that they think because I am not in hospital that I am well. That I should be working. They don't understand that every day is a struggle. That because I am not in hospital, it doesn't mean I am OK. Yes, I have improved since I was in PICU. But, it's not easy. I have found ways in which makes it a bit easier. But, in all honesty, I don't actually feel any different since hospital. I just don't act on things like I did before. But, that doesn't mean it's any easier for me. If anything it's harder for me.

I don't think they understand that there is no cure for the illness. It is something I will battle with for a long time. It's something I have to work bloody hard at. It drains me. Because of the illness, I have lost a career. Because of the way things are now, the career I had planned isn't really suited to me. So, i have chosen to follow photography. To be self employed and manage my own case load. I do have a good chance at making a career out of this. I have got the talent. But, I am not getting any support from them at all.

I need my friends to recognise my achievements. I just completed a massive challenge for me. I walked bloody miles and then climbed the highest mountain in the UK. Not one of them contacted me while I was doing it to ask how it was going, no one after. Then, when I saw them all after, no one asked how it went etc. I was quite upset by it. My family were all great. One of my friends (not from the same group) was too (I just want to add when I talk about friends I am talking about a particular group of about 6 of them, one of them, a different friend is totally amazing, she doesn't come in to this at all). But, no one sees what I have done as being an achievement for me.

They do have some good points though. They did visit me while I was in hospital. They kept in contact with me. I lost a lot of friends when I became ill. But, they were there.

When I want to go out and get pissed, dance like a fool, and forget shit. There is usually someone there to rely on to do that.

But, should I keep looking to the past to determine the future? In that, I mean, I have very little in common with them. I get upset by them. Are they good for me any more? Should I hold on to the past that they were there when I was at my worst. Or, move on? I feel guilty.

I was speaking, well more ranting to my other friend and my parents about it all. They said they are like that because they are probably jealous. Do they not realise I would swap places with them in a shot. Do they not realise I have lost a career. Something I worked towards for years. Something that has got me in nearly 20k worth of student debt for. I lost friends. I lost my life. I go through shit most days. I live my life wishing I was dead. I would have loved to have stayed at uni. Got my masters, to have a career, have a house, have a stable long term relationship, or even be in a position where I could enter a relationship, I would love to not rely on medication to give me some kind of stableness when it works.
So yes, I do get to go away quite a bit. But that is because my parents are really supportive. I get a lot from my parents. They are supporting me with the photography. They want me to succeed in that. And, it doesn't actually cost them that much more to take me with them. But, yes. I am lucky, I admit that. I have a supportive family. Family and my other friend have noticed some snotty comments on facebook from another friend about how I am going away soon with my Dad to Europe. Friend and family jumped to my defence immediately backing me up and saying how what the other girl had wasn't bad at all and she needed to think her self lucky etc.

But is it jealousy? I am upset and angry if it is. If it is, they can't be that good friends because they don't know me. They don't know me at all. I would give anything to be able to be in the career I worked towards for so long, to be in a position to be in a long term relationship, to not have to think through every step I make in case it sends me hyper or low. I am not saying their lives are full of roses. They also have their problems. But, is it too much to ask for for some support? Is it?

Oh. And this was my 500th post. Happy 500 to meeeeeee!

Friday, 13 June 2014

A Question.... Please Answer In Comments...

So, G has asked me to write what my friends give me. By this he means what needs of mine are met by my friends.

For a start I don't know what my needs are.

To me the whole exercise seems a bit of a pros and cons list of keeping these people as friends. To be fair, numerous people have said to me I need to find new friends. I think, that this, is probably a psychologists way of saying the same thing. But, as he can't actually say that to me too ( I don't think he can anyway), he wants me to make the decision based on fact.

He can probably see it all. He will know what my needs are. But, me being me. I don't have a clue.

So, my question, I think, is how do your friends meet your needs?

Thanks

Thursday, 5 June 2014

Sleep

Insomnia strikes again tonight. I feel so stressed out. My head is a mess. Urges are in overdrive. Even having dreams about it. Last night I had a really graphic dream that my throat was slit and I was bleeding out. I had this really nice calm feeling. Despite them stitching it up, I kept opening it just to get that nice calm feeling. It was really detailed. I sometimes remember dreams. But nothing like this one. The last time I had such a vivid dream, I didn't realise it at the time, but it was a premonition.

I know my fate is in my hands. But that worries me. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything. It's never been one of my fantasies in terms of self harm. But, what worries me is that it could be a premonition that things are heading to crisis point. The point where I do something life altering on purpose, but as a spontaneous act. Sometimes, I do lose control. I am doing everything I can to try and keep control. In trying things like distraction, mindfulness exercises, getting out, seeing family, going to the gym etc. I've also been extra self medicating. I've needed it. I've needed the extra Quetiapine to get me through the day. I've needed to feel that spaced out feeling so I am not in overdrive with the urges. So I don't act on anything. I'm not sure it's the right thing to be doing. But when crisis team aren't very helpful, I've had to do something myself.

I'm stressed out about this coming weekend. I don't want to go. I am not ready to see everyone who I went on the trip with last week. I need space still. But if I don't go it will cause a huge blow up and the friendships will end but not on my terms. I've even considered making myself ill. Considered a load of laxatives and saying to doctors I don't know what's made me ill, hoping I end up in hospital because I can't keep fluids in. I considered faking appendicitis. Actually going as far as going to hospital with it. I looked up all the symptoms, would have been quite easy to fake. I even thought if they wanted to remove it just to be on the safe side I'd go through with surgery. How fucked up is that? But then I realised how much money I'd cost the NHS and thought twice. Also, because I'd had previous abdominal surgery, it would be most likely it would be open. Not keyhoLe. Thus, not being able to go to the gym for a few weeks. Thought that could actually make my mood worse off in the long run, especially when comparing it to my agony of not wanting to go this weekend.

So, I've decided to suck it up, try as best I can to put on a happy face and make it look like I'm having a great time. I don't want any focus on me at all this weekend. I don't want people asking if I'm ok, and then giving people a reason to bitch about me behind my back. It's not just that I don't want the paranoia, this weekend isn't about me. The focus is on the bride to be.

That makes it sound as though it's usually about me, doesn't it? It's not. But, people don't understand my problems. It's not just being sad. Or a bit down in the dumps,  or being a miserable party pooper. But, I think that's how they view me. I try as hard as I can to put on this facade of being ok. But, try as I might, it usually breaks.

I have a feeling that I'm going to come back from this weekend totally drained. I know that's pessimistic. But, being with a group of people for any length of time does that to me. I can't cope with it.

I suppose I'm quite a solitary person. Not sure if I've always been like that. I've been uncomfortable in groups for quite a while. I get anxious, I get paranoid. I prefer the company of one other person, not lots of people. I always feel as though I'm on the outside.

Maybe it's because I don't have much in common with the groups I tend to associate with. I don't know. But I feel like an outsider.

Saturday, 31 May 2014

Lonely

How can I be in a city of nearly 1.5million people and be lonely? Because of the people I was with.

And, as I expected, I have crashed. I am an emotional wreck. I think, well, I hope some of it is jet lag. So, I am doing what I can to look after myself to combat that.

I know I haven't been feeling all that great for the last couple of weeks anyway. So, I wonder if what I experienced was me not rationalising things properly. But, even if my experience wasn't real, my emotions are.

I felt constantly paranoid that as soon as I left them as a group they would bitch about me behind my back. They would form a little circle and chat and not make space for me to join in. It was little things. Not be allowed to get breakfast or dinner because they weren't hungry because they had had pizza or burger at 6am after getting in after drinking. But I hadn't eaten since 8 the night before.

So, now I feel shit. I am over emotional. I was feeling shit before I went anyway. I had quite bad urges to self harm and I kept telling myself wait until you get back. So, now I am back, and I have given in to the urges and I have SH. It's what they class as bad. But, I don't.

I tried calling crisis team. But, they weren't much good. Basically told me to watch some more TV and if I still felt bad in a couple of hours to call them back. I am emotional wreck. I am crying at everything. For instance one of the girls I went on the trip with put her profile picture as a a group shot that I wasn't in. There were quite a few group shots where we were all in it together and was a nice picture. But in my stupid irrational head I see that as a personal insult. Stupid isn't it?

My sleep is messed up too. I am going to sleep ok, but waking up a couple of hours later and can't get back to sleep. This morning I woke up at 3am, didn't get back to sleep until 6ish. But, then I didn't wake up until 11.15. Went out for a cig and laid back down on my bed and woke up again at 1.30pm. But, I feel as though I could go to sleep now. I am exhausted. I am totally drained. I am over emotional and crying at everything.

I keep thinking about ways in which I could end things. I did a medication count yesterday. Not really a good sign is it? I don't have enough anyway. But, I probably would when I fill my new prescription next week.

I am meant to be going on a hen weekend next weekend with the same girls I was with last week. I really don't want to go. So much so I have been looking up illnesses I can fake that are serious. If I could land me in hospital that would be a bonus. But, it couldn't be something I had done myself. Or maybe, I could take something like a load of laxatives, not say I had done it and get admitted for a gastro thing and get put on a drip. Good way to lose weight too. I lost about a stone when I got back from travelling and my knee infection caused me gastro problems as the infection had got in my blood.

If I don't go because I don't want to go, then, I will never be forgiven. At least if it's something like this, it is out of my control. Well, in their opinion it is.

I need to put more thought in to it really.

Monday, 19 May 2014

Falling Over The Hurdles.

I seem to have crashed. Since getting back from Scotland. I have just dropped. Not sure why. I am going to the US on Friday and I should be excited, I should be happy. But I have this sense of anxiety over it. It hasn't helped that there has been a slight argument between myself and one of the girls and I am upset and angry by it. But, I was feeling bad before that. But that hasn't helped things at all.

I saw G today and he picked up on it. I said I didn't understand why I had crashed like I had and why I was being so pessimistic about this trip.

I was feeling a bit pessimistic about going to Scotland and I was worried about that. I think that took over and now I am back from that, I am now focusing on this. The trip was all very spontaneous. I wanted to go as I didn't want to miss out. But, saying that. I am not sure if these are the people I want to go with. I love my friends I really do. But we like different things. They like touristy, gimmicky shit, and I suppose where we are going is just this. But, they want to pay extortionate money for this trip, that I wasn't happy with. So that caused a big argument. They want to go to clubs every night paying around $50 to get in. I don't like clubs, so I am not willing to do that. But, I have said for them to book their tickets as I would rather go out for a bit and then go back earlier so I can be up earlier the next day to make the most of the sunshine and the pool. Not spend all day in bed, feeling sorry for myself with a hangover and then force it up on my self the next night. For me a holiday isn't about no sleep, and pushing my body to the limit in terms of alcohol etc. I know if I do that I really will crash when I get home. I know I'll have the jet lag to contend with, so I don't really want to be dealing with that as well. I can't tell them that as I will then get accused of not living for the moment, thinking the worst is going to happen etc etc etc.

I keep thinking that with the money I have spent on this so far and the money I have saved I could have gone to Australia for a couple of weeks and seen my friend out there. I keep wishing I had done that. It's awful isn't it. I have had doubts about this trip from the beginning. I wish I had thought it through properly. But, I said yes when I was asked and handed over £700 the next day. I didn't think about it. I didn't remember how last time I went away with them about 8 years ago I cried when I got home as I hated being away that much. All I thought was I am going to miss out.

Maybe it will be amazing. Maybe I will be ok. But, I know what I am like. I need space. I need time out. I went away with a couple of them for 3 nights in February. It was a relaxing weekend. But, I found come the 3rd night I needed away from them. I needed space. I can't live in another persons pocket. I need me time. Another reason why I don't want to go out at night and go clubbing is so I can come back earlier have some time on my own and then in the morning have some time on my own by the pool.

Anyway. G's theory was that I don't see every problem as a big picture. I see the one that is nearest to me, tackle that and then move on to the next one. I did agree as I have not let myself be worried about this trip as I was worried about Scotland. I have taken one thing at a time.

I feel like I am falling over at hurdles, while trying to carry my half empty glass.

I nearly self harmed last night. I didn't though. I got out what I needed. Then thought I will just have a cigarette first. I chain smoked 4 and then by the time I had done that the urge had passed so I didn't. I told G this and he had a big smile on his face. I am glad he thought I had done well. But sometimes it can feel a bit patronising. I don't see it as a big deal and he does. I think, so what, I didn't SH, I actually nearly dealt with the situation in a normal person way, but I am not normal person as a normal person wouldn't have the whole urge to SH. So, I didn't SH, but I still had that thought and that makes me defective.

That's how I feel about me. I just want to make my point on that clear. Not, how I feel about people who SH in general.

I also think along the lines of, well so what, I didn't do it now, but there will come a time again in the future when I will. I can't say I will never SH again. I am not even sure if I want to not SH again. It is like a drug. I need it. Even thinking about it now and how it makes me feel when I do it is making me want to do it. And because of that I start crying. Great.

My brother said something earlier which was kind of nice. I said how I was worried that my wanting to be careful with the money I spend over there was annoying the girls as one of them got the impression that I thought how I spent my money was more important than how they spend theirs. I said I worried I would be getting stick behind my back about my money as it is money that I have saved from the benefits I have got. So, not really my money. That they have worked for their money and worked hard. He told me not to think like that as what I have been through is far worse than any job, what I am living with day in day out, makes it my money. Makes it money I have earned. And so basically, if I feel they are making a dig at me, I should remind myself how I was so ill I was practically in prison for a year. That, I was so ill, I nearly died.

I try not to talk to anyone about the money I get as I know it causes bad feeling. I am basically seen as benefit scrounging scum. They don't understand me at all. They don't have an idea what it's like to be debilitated by your mood. To want to end your life as you don't want to live like it any more. If I try and explain, they say things like well, we all get sad sometimes, have you tried this this and this as though I am dealing with it in the wrong way. That I let it affect me too much. It's not always external things that cause it. So, it is not me being over sensitive.

I've got to stop writing now. I am just making myself more and more upset.

Sunday, 20 April 2014

Holding On

I've not posted in a while as I was writing a thought journal and I couldn't be bothered to duplicate it. But, I haven't posted in a while and I felt as though I needed to get something down on here as I use this to look back on over time and to see where I was at a certain point.

Today is Easter Sunday. It's the first Easter since 2009 that I have spent it with family. In 2010 I travelled to SE Asia. Then 2011, I was in hospital with a broken ankle, 2012, I was in psychiatric hospital on the PICU, last year I was in intensive care on a ventilator breathing for me as I was so ill from the OD. Not that I am bothered by Easter, I don't celebrate it, we never have really. I got dragged to church as a kid, but since my Nan died nearly, 15 years ago, I haven't been to mass at all. So here I am sitting in my flat, waiting for my camera to charge so I can get a load of stuff on eBay to make some extra money for my big trip in a few weeks. Bit of a difference isn't there.

I suppose it's positive isn't it? I am not sure if I am well. But, I am not in hospital. I am managing by myself and don't require hospitalisation.

I have had quite a bit going off the last few weeks. My Mother's drinking has been bad again. It makes me really angry. And it worries me. And selfishly, I am worried about what the situation is doing to me and how it is mentally affecting me.

A couple of weeks back, one Thursday night I was just about to get in to bed and my phone pinged. My Dad had uploaded a picture on Facebook of the lounge that was trashed, that my Mum had done in a drunken state. I called him straight away having a massive go at him. He can't upload things like that to Facebook. He said he was really angry and maybe she would learn. I told him publicly airing our dirty laundry is not the way to go about it. I told him to delete it but he wouldn't. So I hacked his facebook and I deleted it. We have mutual friends and I don't want them seeing that. I don't want my family problems aired on Facebook. I was fuming. He called me back saying he was at his wits end and she was upsetting him as she was trashing stuff in the house because she was drunk. I told him to call the police and he said that they wouldn't do anything and it hadn't made any difference in the past. He called them once before and she was taken to the cells for a while until my brother made me drive down there with him and got her out and took her back to his for the night. I was really angry at that too. I told my Dad if he keeps doing it, she will eventually learn. Surly, there are only so many times you can wake up in a police cell before you think things have to change. It worked for me. Not waking up in a cell, but waking up in hospital, or waking up at home with the police banging on my door as they were concerned for my welfare.

Ok, it did happen a couple of weeks back. I woke up in hospital. I admit I was stupid. I didn't do anything. I wasn't on a mission to get drunk at all. But, I was putting them away as I was out with my brother and I didn't realise how much I had had. I got home and in some rational thinking I knew I needed help as I was so drunk. I think I must have been lying in bed and had been a bit sick on myself and realised that if I fell asleep I would be at risk of choking on my own vomit. The stupid thing I did was to go for a walk. I should have just gone and sat in the bathroom with my head in the toilet so at least if I was sick I wouldn't have choked. But, I went for a walk and ended up in hospital. I can't remember much. Just I woke up with a drip in and in a gown. They told me I was projectile vomiting and they put a NPA in to protect my airway and had to cut my dress off as I was caked. Not my finest moment. Not at all. I am so embarrassed. I don't really drink that much anymore so, when I did have some it affected me so much more than it would have done if I regularly drank. But, that is no excuse for my behaviour. I should have stopped drinking earlier and didn't.

Anyway, I think there is only so many times you can wake up in a police cell before you click that something needs to change.

The next day, I went round to my parents as I had the kids and they were staying there over night. While on my own with my Dad he was stating that he was not going to stand for it anymore and that if it happened again he would divorce her etc. So that kicks in my child side getting worried and not wanting that. And getting really worried about how it will affect me. Last time it all happened I didn't cope well at all and ended up sectioned. I know I don't have to live with either of them, but I still know what is going on. Not the full extent of it. I only know a little. But because I know I don't know all of it, I know it's much worse than I actually know. But, anyway, I told my Dad I wasn't really happy about them having the kids stay if she was like that. He said not to worry as it has never happened when the kids have stayed and they don't drink that much. So, I let it lie a bit. But, then we went out for dinner all together. And they ordered a bottle of wine between 3 of them. Not much, but we had finished dinner, the kids were knackered and they wanted to order another bottle. I got really angry saying it wasn't fair on the kids as they are young and can't expect them to just sit there while you all have another bottle of wine. They needed to go home and get to bed. So, we all pile in to the car and then my Dad sends my Mum in to the shop for more wine. So, I had a right go at him asking him what he was playing at. Only the night before she had been kicking off and here he was encouraging her to drink more. His reply was really selfish, along the lines of that he wanted a drink so why should he have to go without as she can't control it. I was fuming. I dropped them all off and went over to my friend's for a rant at her.

So, I went to see G on the Monday and ranted the whole thing at him. Talking non stop really angrily about it. Then he said something that got me. He said there was safeguarding issues with the kids staying there. That if that is occurring they shouldn't be staying. I get that, I don't think it has happened while they have been there. I asked the eldest the other day if he ever heard them shouting at each other or if he ever got scared while staying there and he said no he liked it. And he would tell me if there was anything as we are really close and he knows he can tell me anything. So, I don't think anything has happened. But G has said I need to speak to my brothers about it and let them know the extent of things so they can make their own minds up and the one with my nephews can decide whether or not they stay there. G said if I don't say anything he will have to make it more official and get social services involved for an assessment etc. Obviously that would be awful. The worst thing that could happen.

But, the whole situation is a massive stress for me. I am worried about what to say. Worried if I down play it it will get ignored and it will be me being over sensitive etc, but if I get it wrong it will be seen as an attack on their parenting. Because, I know they have been drunk and had massive arguments when the kids have been in the house.

I want to run away from the whole situation. But I can't, because the ramifications of that would be worse. I know I need to say something. My friend said I don't need to say I have my concerns about the kids staying there, but basically just to let them both know, that her drinking isn't just it, it's her reactions after she has had a drink. Then if they are fully informed, he can make his own mind up about the kids being there. I am worried G will intervene anyway. I didn't exactly get a clear outline from him about what needed to be said.

We are all getting together for lunch today. I won't be drinking and I can escape after a while. But, I think I will use today as a spring board as a launch in to the conversation. Just saying that I am really worried about how much she is drinking and it's not just that she is getting drunk but she gets aggressive and I have known that she has caused damage etc.

The whole situation is causing me so much worry at the moment. I feel that I am only just holding on. I am really anxious about it. I wish I could just run away from it all. But that wouldn't solve anything would it?

I have the big walk coming up in a couple of weeks. It is such a huge thing for me and I am worried about how my Mum is going to be if she drinks. I don't want to drink as there is no way I can walk 15 miles a day if I have had a drink the night before. I did 15 miles on Friday. The walk was a lot tougher than what we will be doing in Scotland, but I ache so much 2 days later. I can barely move without being in pain. Everything hurts. So, no way can I do it if I have had a drink.

So, I suppose I will have to see how that one pans out.

I've not seen G for a couple of weeks as he is on annual leave. I will only be seeing him once in the next few weeks. Then, at the beginning of June I think we will go back to weekly meetings. But, I am not sure how long that will last for. It was a year ago and we said we would give it a year and see how things are. I know he can't be my psychologist forever. I have been seeing him nearly two and a half years now. I am scared I can't do it without him. I know I rely on him too much. I suppose I will have to wait and see.

Monday, 7 April 2014

Adult Content

After someone complaining that they were triggered by my post that I was going for a walk, I have decided to put an adult warning on the blog. That basically, before you proceed a warning comes up saying that there is adult content so proceed with caution.

Personally I can't see how my post about walking the west highland way would make a person suicidal and then say if they try anything they will blame me. That's nice. Especially when, in the same forum/group there are people openly saying that they are suicidal, want to cut etc etc etc. You have to open my page to read it.

But anyway. Someone found it triggering, which I am sorry they found it triggering. So hence the new warning.

I have got quite a lot to write about, but, I have written in a thought diary as things have progressed this week. I need to transfer it to here so I have a more flowing account of what has been going on. I use this to look back on things how they were a year, 2 years, 3 years ago. To see how things have changed. So I like to have everything in it.

Thursday, 3 April 2014

Why This Is Important To Me...

A year ago, I was on the High Dependency Unit on a medical ward. I had been on there a day after being released from the Intensive Care Unit after a week in a coma on a ventilator. I had taken a huge OD, which very nearly killed me. I was reliant on the ventilator to breathe for me. I was pretty ill.

Even now, a year later. I still suffer the effects from it. It has damaged my voice. Speech therapy hasn't really worked and they think that there could be some damage that they have missed. I also have nightmares about when I was brought round and they took the ventilator out and then having to have a mask on my face that forced air in to my lungs as I was still not breathing properly. It was horrendous. I never want to go back to that place again.

OK, the last year has not been easy. Yes, there have been ODs. There has been serious self harm. Well, I don't class it as serious. But they do. I have been in hospital twice this year already. But, I think I am improving. I have started to accept things. I have started to have a more structured approach to the therapy. I have been more open. I have been less stubborn. I have been proactive and said I need hospital. I know I have got to that stage where I know I need extra help and I can't manage on my own.

I would like to think I have made some huge positive changes in the last year.

Also in the last year I have changed who I am physically. I have have lost nearly 3 and a half stone. I still have a couple to go. But I am a different person now. I have started eating healthily. I exercise. I have started walking. Hill walking. And I actually really enjoy it. I love getting up high and getting some really nice views.

I have found new things in the last year that I enjoy doing.

So, I set my self a challenge. Originally it was going to be climbing Snowdon. The highest mountain in Wales. But, as I got fitter I thought I needed to make it a bit harder. When my Dad first suggested the West Highland way, I thought it was way out of my capabilities. It's 150KM long. But as time went on, I thought why not? We are going to be walking this in 8 days. A year ago I didn't exercise at all. It's only been since October time last year that I regularly started exercising. So for me going from nothing, to within a few months walking a long distance route through the Scottish Highlands is going to be a massive achievement. And not just this, but tagging Ben Nevis on to the end of it. The highest mountain in Britain.

I am putting my mind to something. For the first time in nearly three years I have set out to do something and am actually close to completing it. Considering where I have been in the last three years, and what I have gone through. This is a major achievement for me.

I am raising money for a local charity to me. It supports young people with a ride range of problems. It provides free contraception, healthcare advice, parenting advice, housing advice, meals to those who are homeless, and counselling. They don't charge the young people for this service and they rely entirely on contributions. There are not many services in my area that provide counselling that don't charge. It's hard to get services on the NHS. I am a firm believer in prevention is better than a cure. And also, that problems should be dealt with if possible at a young age. This can hopefully lead to the person being more able to cope with further problems in the future. And ultimately, them being a happier well rounded person. That will require less input in the future as they have managed to get the help they needed before problems have time to escalate. Perhaps if I had been given the support I needed when I was in my early 20's, things wouldn't have escalated to where they have now.

So please, show me your support. If you can spare a couple of pounds, please can you text KMOR84 £(your amount) to 70070.

If you want to know more information about me or the charity, or the walk. Please get in contact with me on facebook. Kat Moss or email goldenpsych@gmail.com.

Thanks.


Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Can you Help?

Can you help me?

A few weeks ago I wrote about how I was going to walk the West Highland Way. I was re reading my blog from a year ago, and wow, how things have changed. I wrote about how I couldn't stop eating, how I had no confidence to go to the gym etc etc etc. Setting myself a challenge has meant that I have lost over 3 stone so far. And, I have got a lot fitter.

The charity I am raising money for supports young people in my home city. It helps them with things like housing advice, warm meals, skill building, contraception advice, health advice and counselling support. I am a strong believer that prevention is better than a cure. Please help support young people. I feel if it was picked up on earlier that I had problems they wouldn't have developed to how they are now.

Please can you help me raise money for this amazing charity. Show your support to me by donating some money. Help motivate me. Seeing that total rise inspires me to work harder. To better myself.

So please donate by texting KMOR84 £(your amount) to 70070.

Or if you want to look at my website please contact me on Facebook and I will PM you the link.

Cheers.

xxxx

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

The Last Week.

I did something I shouldn't have done the other day. I picked up my Mum's phone when she wasn't in. I wanted to look at the type of messages she drunkenly sends my Dad. Only the night before she had been sending messages. I read a couple, but I had to stop. It was horrible. Really having a go at him about anything and everything. Mostly about the woman he was seeing while but also saying how my brothers and I didn't love him and really horrible things. It really bothered me. It was horrible stuff. No wonder why my Dad has been moody if he is getting messages like that. I think it happens a few nights a week.

I get my Mum moaning at me that he is in a mood and not nice to be around. No wonder, she is sending messages like that a few nights a week. Of course he's going to be in a mood. But, the because he's in a mood and difficult to be around, she again gets wound up and starts sending drunken messages again. It's so frustrating.

We all went out on Sunday for mother's day. I was constantly on edge being with both of them while they were drinking. They were getting more drunk and both saying things and acting in ways that I knew that it was going to get bitter. It really gets to me.

I saw G yesterday. I had written some things down to start thinking about this letter he wants me to write. Most of it is directed at my Mum. I explained to him I understood why my Dad had been like he has been. And why, things are like they are now. He had a shocking upbringing. He was neglected and treated like shit. It's only been the last year or so how I have learnt more about what he went through as a child. Things like being locked in the kitchen all day when he was 6 years old while his mother was out all day. Being left on his own at around 10 while she went on holiday for a week. And just general neglect. She was horrible. Also, his father never accepted him as his own. He didn't know that his Dad was his Dad until he was about 14. He was lead to believe another man was. It's horrible.

I was explaining to G that I had always discounted childhood. It had only been the last few months that I was learning to accept what happened in my childhood has impacted how I am now. But having realised that, I look at the things I do know about my Dad's and it's more forgivable for how he has been.

I find my Mum's behaviour less forgivable. I can't see any reason for it. She's just bitter. She's doing nothing for herself.

We also talked about my Nan. My friends Nanny died on Sunday. I found it quite hard as brought back memories of when she was ill and in hospital and that time she died. It was awful. I was getting these images of when she was in hospital and of running off when it all started to happen.

I said I found it quite strange that I still felt the emotions so intense about it as it was half of my life ago. This year I have been alive for longer without her than I have with. Yet, the emotions at times are so intense still. Raw, like it was at the time.

G's theory for this is that I suppress my emotions. It's something I do with all negative emotions, I don't let myself feel. So, this means that things are raw still because I have never dealt with them. It is something that I do most the time. If I start to get upset about something I distract myself, I make sure I start doing something else. One of my early memories is being embarrassed to cry in front of people. I remember being 7 and being told my Dog had died and holding back my emotions until I was alone in bed that night. Only then I would let myself cry. I see now why I was like I was. My nephews are 5 and 3. If they cry in public they belittle them. Say things like look at that baby, people are looking at that baby crying etc etc etc. From a really young age I had it drilled in to me that you didn't do crying. That people didn't see your emotions because they were something to be embarrassed of. Which is why I still won't really cry in front of other people. I force it back. I do what I can to avoid crying in front of other people.

My task for this week is to keep a thought diary. He wants me to keep track of what my predominant thoughts of the day are.