Monday, 15 November 2010

Random Blabberings of a Crazy Fool!

Don't know why I feel like blogging but I do. I came home early from uni as can't face it today. I am so tired. Can't concentrate on it. Not missed anything important anyway. So this afternoon I plan on napping and then doing some work this afternoon.

So. I was thinking. Maybe I do have a bad relationship with alcohol. The nurse at the hospital I'll call him Mike keeps saying it to me and possibly I am avoiding it. I was thinking about it and the thing is I don't want to give up drinking. I enjoy drinking. What does that mean? I use it in a bad way at times though and that is what needs to be addressed. I never crave drink, yet it has got me in to trouble on occasions. Like ending up in hospital as of it; sometimes drinking so much that I am unconscious. That is not normal. I know that. So, as much as pains me to do it I have gone and approached an organisation (not alcoholics anonymous) that makes an assessment of you and your drinking habits and if they find it to be a problem will go through things with you. Last time I went to them I was drinking a lot more and could see that it was a problem. I think this time it is because I am not drinking as much I don't see it to be a problem. But it obviously is! Last time I went there they said I was dependant on alcohol and was close to becoming an alcoholic with the amounts I was drinking. Drinking gives me confidence which I don't usually have. I think that's why I am quite reluctant to go. I mean I am quite outspoken anyway, but only if I am not standing up in front of other people and doing it. In clubs I wont dance etc unless I have been drinking. Also I hate being around drunk people if I have not had a drink myself. The problems I have here is that most of my social life revolves around going out with friends to pubs and clubs so the drinking is inevitable.

I suppose what I need to do really is find other ways to get self confidence. I think the first one would be to lose some weight. The thing is when I am depressed as I am now it is a viscous circle and I eat crap for comfort. Then because I have no confidence I also drink. Grrrr....not really a way out that I can see there.

I don't want to carry on feeling like this. I hate feeling as though I am constantly carrying around a head full of issues and problems. It's even got to the stage now where I don't want to live like this and have considered suicide. Although, what stops me here is I know that this is a permanent solution to a possible temporary problem. Well it may not feel like it but there must be something that I can do, something I can do with the right support. In other words it's fixable. It's not something that has to stay with me for the rest of my life. Another thing is I feel like such a hypocrite if I do go and kill my self (OK I know that doesn't quite sound right but bare with me here). What I mean is, for the past 2 years of working in mental health I have worked with suicidal people and talked to them about it and offered them support. Talking them round, saying to them that although doesn't seem like it at the moment things can and will get better but it will take some hard work etc etc. So if I go and do something stupid like that it's basically telling them (although they would never know) don't listen to me as what I say is a load of crap! Yet, why do I keep having the feelings of being suicidal, thinking of ways in which I could do so to make it look like an accident? The mind is a strange and scary place isn't it?

So, basically my family now knows I am suffering with depression and also have self harmed. They don't know the extent of the SH just that it has happened a couple of times (I think it's on a weekly basis pretty much at the moment but they don't know that) and that I am struggling. They are worried that Friday night was a suicide attempt as if no one would have found me I would have died. But not just that they think that because I cut deep enough to require stitches that in itself is an attempt at suicide. I didn't want to tell them that cutting your self is not the way to do it and wouldn't be my method of choice but thought that would worry them more. So I just laughed at them, said it wasn't and left it at that.

Anyway, on to a lighter note. X-Factor!!!!!

Who are these people. They are useless. I only really like Matt Cardle, he's cute and he can sing and he has something about him that airs a vulnerability. Wagner, well he is just this years Jedward. You either love him or you hate him. He can't sing for shit but I suppose it's slapstick entertainment. You (I say you but I don't know if anyone actually reads this or if they do it will have got this far) may hate me for saying this but I really don't like Rebbecca F. I don't like her voice and all the songs she sings sound the same as her voice is so unique. Would you really want to listen to a whole album of it? I have also seen on Facebook that there is a group along the lines of "getting rid of chlamidhya is easier than getting rid of Katie Waissel". Now with her, I don't actually know why I don't like her but there is something about her I just don't like. I don't know how many times she has been in the bottom 2 now but doesn't this indicate to the judges that the public don't like her and she would not do well as an artist as she just isn't getting the votes. Why keep her in. And I must admit although I am 26 I kind of had a small crush on Aiden. He was gorgeous!

I am not one of these who votes and this is only the 3rd season I have watched X-Factor. And usually I have to point out I don't watch reality TV as can't usually stand it, but I suppose like Robbie Williams being my music guilty pleasure this is my TV one.

Speaking of Robbie good is Take That now he is back in it. I loved them when I was about 9 but actually Mark was my favourite and wasn't that keen on Robbie. I was quite sad when they split but not suicidal like some were. I started to like Robbie when I was about 13 and sort of fell in love with him. Between 13-16 my bedroom was a shrine to him and I have all his albums. I was watching X-Factor last night with them on and they all work together so well and really seem to enjoy what they do on stage. It was brilliant watching them perform all together again. I wish now that I had tickets for the tour. It's weird how as you get older your tastes change. As I said Mark used to be my favourite when I was young. But watching them last night I realised he wasn't that nice. Howard and Jason were scrummy and of course Robbie, you are still my favourite!

I have brought my first CD album in ages (usually I just download from Limewire - I know illegal but music is so expensive but I have now stopped as don't know where I can get it from as Limewire under court order now), this being Take That's new album Progress. Can't wait to get it through the post! YAY!!!!

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