One Husky Mama

Gom is engaged. I found out last night. How do I feel? Well I saw it coming. I'll write more about this but first what led up to me finding out.

I went out last night with uni girls. Decent bars and lots of men. We ended up in my favourite club as it is an Indie Disco type place. Brilliant. I never get to go there as my normal friends don't like it. I love it. And it's always full of really hot men. Anyway, so we were there. I met a few nice men. I sat with a couple outside while I was having a cig and went on to tell them that as there was such a big age difference between him and his brother, he was 40 his brother was 23, and the other siblings were around the same age that he was probably an accident. Yeah. I have a way with the guys don't I? I was only joking with him and he did find it quite amusing. They brought me a drink also.

So, back downstairs and I meet another guy, we talked, we kissed and we had a drink. I don't really remember what happened to him. I don't know if I decided I'd had enough, or if I went to the loo and got distracted on the way back. More dancing with the girls and I meet another guy. I quite liked him. We danced, we kissed, we drank. We left the club went to the bar next door as I thought it would be quieter. He kept asking me to go home with him but I said no. I was a good girl. Also, he was really pissed. And I seemed to be the one who was the one in control. If it was the other way around and I had have been not really knowing what I am doing the bloke would have been seen to be possibly taking advantage of a pissed girl. So, I said we would go to the 24hour place and get soft drinks and woop his ass at pool. As we were queuing to go in he grabbed a guy who was already in there. It turned out to be Gom's ex best mate. My friends boyfriend, Jack.

Turns out he was out in a group with him. Then I got chatting to his mates and they said they were going back to Jack's flat which is a penthouse flat and did I wanna go back with them. At this point the guy I was with had gone and I said why not. I knew Jack and so thought his mates would be ok. It was as we were walking back that we were talking and found out that one of the guys knew Gom quite well and he was telling me how he was all busy planning his wedding. I was like, what? He's engaged. And the guy was like you didn't know?

We walked back holding hands but that was it. He was well fit, but he had a live in girlfriend. He kept trying it on but I was having none of it. I said to him that if I was her and he was my bloke I would  be upset by his behaviour. He then went on to tell me about his online girlfriend in Denmark also. Nice guy!

So how am I feeling about all of this. Surprisingly ok. I am going to sound like a bitch now. But...

She is nothing compared to me. I don't like to blow my own trumpet but I am pretty. Ok, overweight but I can change that and I am doing. I have a big personality and know what I want and what I don't. I have aspirations in life and I am doing a Masters so that I can get a meaningful job and do something with my life. I am good fun. People say I am fun to be around and interesting. Now compare this to someone who is not that good looking. As I said before she looks as though there is something not quite right with her. I think she may also be a bit on the podgy side. So I win on looks! Lol. Ok I am a bitch but I am not going to stop.

From what people have said about her she is dull and boring. She has nothing about her and her favourite topic of conversation is what goes on in the City Centre shopping mall's car park. She doesn't have a job that is going anywhere and from what people have said has no aspirations to do anything else. Jack was really slagging her off last night saying how boring she is and he is considering dumping Gom as a friend as he really can't stand LD.

Now the way I feel is. I am not that person. I don't want to be that person and I will never be that person. If that is what Gom wants then we were obviously best off out of it. If that is what is making him happy then let him have it. If she had been drop dead gorgeous and my other friends liked her and she was a different person then I would feel differently. If, she was like me I would feel differently. But she is the total opposite to me.

Ok, I am not with anyone at the moment. But, as you can see from what I have written I am having a whole heap of fun. I spent most of my 20's with Gom. I am enjoying the rest.

Jack was saying last night that I was looking good. He could tell I had lost weight. When Gom and I broke up I was around 19stone. Just not being with him made me lose weight without even trying that much. Jack's friend seemed to think so also. They said they couldn't believe I was with Gom for so long as I am fun, and they couldn't picture us together.

I wasn't supposed to find out Gom was engaged. Gom had told Jack he couldn't even tell his girlfriend Neve incase she told me. Why would he even be bothered? I find it odd. Forget about me and move on.

If I was him and happy with someone else; like he must be if he is getting married to her, then I wouldn't think about his feelings. Why wouldn't he want me to find out? Weird. Or am I just reading too much in to it... please if you have read this far would you comment your thoughts on this.

So I am a husky thing at the moment. I have lost my voice. It's so weird. The past couple of days I was in agony with my throat as of the operation. I think they bruised my throat with the tubes or something. I have been in so much pain with it that I have been in tears. Every time I swallowed it was like someone stabbed me in the neck. The pain isn't as bad now, but I have lost my voice. I have never lost my voice before so I am finding it quite amusing. I was having the piss taken out of me last night.

I had a really good night last night. Even hearing about the engagement didn't ruin it. I am a little upset, who wouldn't be, but I know I am better than her! I really am a bitch aren't I. I sort of feel if that is what he wants and that is what makes him happy I deserve better.

Please comment on this as I would love to hear other peoples views on this!

Amphetamines

I saw Sam today. She said I was acting like I was on amphets. I have never taken them to know what it's like but she said I was in a way odd.

I suppose I do feel a bit speeded up. I just explained to her how I have been feeling like this since Sunday. No reason why. I said I don't feel anxious but thoughts are racing and a different thought keeps just popping in to my head before I have dealt with the last one. I said though that at least it meant I was productive. I was managing to get quite a lot of work done. While it makes me mentally tired as I can't relax, I don't feel that tired considering I have had little sleep. I am struggling to relax. When she asked what I could do what may help I jokingly said "take some diazepam". She then went on to say it may be a good idea if I could book an appointment with my GP and get something to calm me down a little. But. I don't really want to calm down. This beats being so low and depressed that I can't do anything. OK. The lack of sleep sucks. But I don't feel that tired. I miss sleep as it is something I enjoy. My favourite place in the world is bed.

I spoke to her about my paranoid thoughts. Not in detail but one about hospitalisation. I didn't say that the first thing I think when I see a police car or an ambulance is that it is for me and they are following me and I then really struggle to rationalise. I am also paranoid that people are following me, gathering evidence of my mentalness so they can lock me up. I know writing this sounds stupid. I really struggle to rationalise with myself and it gets me down.

I thought it was kind of odd that I was feeling like this as nothing had triggered it. Most of the times that this has happened I have had something that has triggered it. The worst I have been was just after the break up with Gom. I was working on the psych wards and I was having these paranoid thoughts that I was a patient and the doctors were really observing me. I went straight to my GP that night for some diazepam. It slowed me down a bit but not massively. Also I suppose I didn't really take it properly. I was only given a couple of days supply and I only took one pill and I saved the rest for the long haul flight to Asia I was making only a few weeks later.

I know Monday was a shit day with My Cat having to be put to sleep. I was really upset by it. And also I had an email conversation with Gom. I have not spoken to him in a year. But surprisingly I cared about how he felt in it all. That was once I had made sure he hadn't chosen the cheaper option and there could have been treatment. And that he had actually put some thought and effort in to where he buryed him. And that I knew he was upset and it came across in his emails. I got more emotion from him in those emails than I think I ever did when we were together. I don't know if it's me getting over it (the relationship) now and being able to move on that has let me deal with it quite rationally. Although saying that I was having stupid thoughts and ponderings about what if's. Like what if he wants to get back together? What if he wants to meet up? Should I? I know stupid. I know I shouldn't go anywhere near him. I am making sure I don't contact him first about anything. I have any need to. It kicked off a lot of feelings in a way. But I think I have been able to deal with them. I think it's just the ease of being with him. You know. He knows about the self harm (although obs not recently and how bad it has been), he knows about my being slightly mentally interesting. OK. He was a crap support but, it was easy!

And, I feel with him he knows. It would mean I don't need to explain the self harm and everything about me from the start to some new guy. I think that is what makes me have these thoughts. The thought of having to tell a new guy I self harm(ed) and how bad I have been at times makes me not want to bother. What if I really like someone, I tell them and they decide they don't want to know. OK. That person is not worth being with and not worth my time but I would have already fallen for them by the time it takes me to tell him. I am not telling someone from the offset I self harm and have other problems....like  "hi, I'm golden, your cute, by the way I self harm". It's a lot of the reason about why I don't want to be with anyone at the moment. I don't have the effort to be putting in to a new relationship and I am not ready to share all this with anyone. I don't want to meet anyone while I am going through all this shit. It's not fair on them and I don't think I could handle the pressures of a new relationship. I am quite happy being single.

The only times it bothers me are on Sunday afternoons when the parents are getting pissed and I don't like it when they drink as they both get very very annoying and one can become quite abusive. Also, I want to go to gigs. My friends don't like gigs. I want to go on holidays or mini breaks. I don't want to go with my friends as they are not exactly fans of culture. Or their idea of a mini break consists of a night in a travelodge and a night out in the city. I don't miss the sex. I suppose I am not really a sexual person. But I do miss the closeness of someone. I used to love putting my head on Goms bare chest (luckily he did not have much hair above the waist...below was a different matter), or I used to lift his shirt up and just sit with my hand on his stomach for that skin to skin contact. I do miss that. He had nice soft skin and he had a nice smell also.

But other than that I quite like being single. I suppose all my adult life until a year ago I was with someone.

I wish I could relax. I wouldn't mind so much being like this if I lived on my own and I could potter around the house but my parents are in bed now so I have to be careful about how much noise I make. So it can get boring sitting in my room wanting to do something as I can't sit still and relax and I can't as I have to be quiet.

I think it's pretty obvious that the Quetiapine isn't really doing it's job! Grrrrr

Bahhhh Humbug!

I'm just not looking forward to Xmas this year. What do I have to look forward to. Actually I was the same last year. Xmas just no longer does it for me. Last year I had a boyfriend though, someone Else's family I could escape to. You see my family like to drink. Not just a couple but far too much that results in arguments and broken things. For the past few years I have been able to escape it all. I used to stay with his parents Xmas eve, wake up with them and do presents and then leave him with his family all day and then I would come back to mine. Do presents and dinner and then go back to his house in the evening. Perfect.

I like a drink too but not so much that I can't play games etc. Xmas should be about playing board games etc. Not drinking so much that arguments start and falling asleep.


I said last year to my boyfriend at the time that we should go on holiday over Xmas as I really didn't enjoy it last year. It's all too much. It's noisy and just annoying. The run up to Xmas gets me also. The shops get stupidly busy, people get annoying etc etc etc. Then there is people who put their decorations up really early...why??? As I drive around and from what I have seen by some of my friends on facebook people already have their decorations up. If it were up to me I wouldn't bother this year, I didn't last year either. But I live with my parents and my mum will want a tree etc. I can't see the point. I wouldn't actually be bothered if Xmas was cancelled this year. This year it will be even more pathetic. There will only be 4 of us for dinner! Some dinner that will be. I have said to my Mum that she shouldn't bother going to the effort of doing a dinner and we should go out somewhere. But then there's the issue with my Dad and he wont want to do that and we must all keep him happy.

I have my second nephew due just before Xmas and that's great. I am looking forward to meeting him. But because of the timing that newbie my brother and his partner want a quiet one with just her family and them. I don't blame them. For the past 4 years she has had to put up with my mad family. She's going to be knackered so why should she have to put up with the moodiness etc. We went to their house last year and it was lovely. But this year it's just my parents and me and my other brother. Who hasn't properly spoken to my Dad since a family holiday in August which went tits up. So you can see the fun I am bound to have there. I am considering actually getting a shift and working Xmas!!!! But then that would just leave the 3 of them.

I think if it wasn't for the fact that newbie will be making his arrival shortly I would have badgered someone in to going away somewhere hot. I would spend Xmas day by a pool/in the pool reading. The fact that I don't have a boyfriend doesn't help things either. Is it bad though that it's not him I will miss this year it's the idea of him and having somewhere else to escape to. Who am I kidding? Of course I miss him. I think about him most of the time even though I have not actually seen him in nearly 8 months! He is with someone else now and has been with her since April time so it must be love. We were not good for each other and I do want him to be happy...just not this soon. But I keep having images of his new girlfriend sitting around playing board games with his family in my spot. Her there Xmas morning opening presents with them all, going to the panto with them. I want to hate her. I don't like her I know that. Well I don't as I have never met this girl. She could be lovely for all I know...I have heard on the grapevine she is quite dull though and this is from 2 different sources. I know I couldn't ever get back with GOM. Not now, too much has happened and I know that I would be doing so for the wrong reasons and if we did we would only break up again when we hit a rough patch. It could never last between us. Also, I have too much pride; there is only so many times you can go crying on your friends and families shoulders about him.

So, cancel Xmas please. Or put me in a coma from now until Jan 7th when everything returns to normal. I don't like new year either. Why does everyone feel the need to go out and force them selves in to having a great time and spending a fortune as everywhere puts their prices up, you spend ages queuing to get in to crap places as everywhere is packed. You also have to pay a cover charge on these crap places. A taxi home costs more than double what it usually does and then you are queuing a life time for that also. So Bahhhhhh Humbug to it all!!!