Monday, 24 March 2014

Today's Session - 24/03/2014

I think he was surprised at the turn around and the thinking I have been doing the last week.

He managed to say how I was feeling. Basically that I had felt validated by what my friend had said about her experiences at my house growing up. And that it validated what he had said. I told him how I had been feeling before about perhaps it was just me. Perhaps I have been too sensitive, perhaps, I am telling him things worse than they actually were. But when someone else picks up on it from only spending a short time in your house. It must mean that my experiences were right.

I also told him what another friend had said. I said I was messaging another friend about what the other girls had said. And she said that it had been pretty obvious I had not been brought up in a stable environment and that my brothers and I had a lot more put on us than any other children should. And that I should look up what affects growing up around DV and alcoholism has on children. I said how initially I felt very defensive thinking that's not how it was. That I had obviously given people the wrong impression of how things were etc etc etc. But, I thought about it some more. I haven't accepted that is how it was. But, I had acknowledged my feelings when other people pointed out faults.

He asked how I was feeling about having thought about all these things all week. I told him how I felt it was pushing me back and felt like I was opening a wound. That, at times, ok, not in the last few weeks, I had felt like I was making progress. But then, something like this comes up, and I feel pushed back, as it's yet another thing to work through, to deal with. It's extinguished the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think he knew what I had told the worker I spoke to the other day. One of the first things he said to me was you went home without meds. Why? So I told him I had had a teenage strop and had been pissed off and needed to run away. Hence not answering my phone. I needed to figure a few things out. That I did attempt in a way on the Monday night, but then had second thoughts after my first plan didn't work and I focused on those. Then I just needed some space to figure out what I was going to do. I was being stubborn and had a fuck you attitude, but part of me knew I was wrong. And that it had taken a couple of rums and writing for me to figure out where I was going with things and whether or not I was going to take the easy route or hard. I said I had chosen the hard route. To keep on working. And then added in jokingly that alcohol wasn't always bad.

We talked about loads today. Loads. The session flew by. I gave him a list of things that were still bothering me. So much stuff. Stuff to do with my friends and how they feel I have been the past year or so. Basically that they feel I need to be in control so much and that I am always thinking two steps ahead in the negative way and thinking all the time what negative consequences my actions could have, that I am not really me. I can't seem to let go and have fun as I am worried about what will happen if I do.

Control is a massive issue for me. Huge. Possibly the biggest. When things feel as though they are out of my control or are spiralling. That's when I get ill. That's when as he calls it surrenders to the schemas. He said that is what I have been doing the past few weeks. The increased self harm shows that. I had given in. I had. I know I had. I was just letting it all take me along for the ride. Not the best thing to do. It's weird. When things are out of control. I don't seem to do much to try and relinquish it. I want to pass everything over to someone else to take care of. Another thing that I do, or am. Is things that aren't in my control, say for instance my Mum's drinking, I want some control over it. And when I can't, that's when things collapse.

I can't even remember half the stuff we talked about today. There was so much. It was a good session though. Even if I did feel quite anxious after.

But, as he said. Tell my self it's JUST anxiety. That is all it is. I don't need to act on it. I don't need to do anything with it. Just accept that I feel anxious at the moment.

So, that's my plan for the week.

My question for things to discuss next week. Where does my thing with control fit in with the schemas. I score high in dependence, how does that fit in with me having control?


I am feeling slightly apprehensive about the session with G today. I am worried it is going to go like last weeks. That he is going to turn around and say we can't do the sessions anymore. That it is not working.

I am worried about telling him about last Monday night. It will be in my notes as I told the person I spoke to about meds about it. And, it was a kind of turning point.

Today it's a year to the day I took the massive OD that nearly killed me. That landed me in ICU in an induced coma for a week. With a ventilator breathing for me. That nearly killed me. I have enough meds in to do the same again. It's not healthy having them there. Even as a safety net. So, I have made the decision to get rid of them. I am taking them to my session with G. I will probably give them to him to give to someone to get rid of. I need them to know I am serious. If I tell them I have thrown them away they probably won't believe me as I have said that in the past and haven't done.

I went out with my friends on Saturday night. They told me a few things that I have been in denial about. Things that G has said before but I ignored. Thinking he had it wrong. That maybe, it was the way I was talking about it, that perhaps he was thinking the worst. And that he didn't really know me etc. So, I wasn't really listening to him. They also said they thought the letter was a brilliant idea. That I should write a letter never to be sent. I said I don't know where to start and it feels really disjointed. I am worried it will make things worse. They said maybe things need to get worse before they can get better and that I am not being graded on it so doesn't really matter if things don't make sense. So, I will not keep discrediting the idea. I said jokingly I needed to take them to the sessions with me as I can't get a lot of what I need to say out. One said if I wanted her to she would. I don't think I want my worlds to cross over though. Does that make sense. Although, I don't think G knows what I am really like. Who I am. My place. The outspoken one, the loud one, the one who is impulsive, funny, etc etc. I am not a wallflower and I wonder if I come across like that at times.

One of my friends who we were out with on Saturday thought I was hilarious. She said I've never seen drunk Kat. It's so funny. She has always seen the reserved, quieter side, the one who needs to have control over everything. It's funny. Because I am the drunken one of the group. Perhaps not any more being as though since Xmas I had not drank anything until this week. I am more controlled. I am worried about losing it. I don't want to risk losing control of myself. So, I don't drink that much any more. I bought a big bottle of rum with the intention of getting smashed last Monday and of hanging myself and OD etc etc etc. Basically the same things I have done in the past. After the ligature loosened and I woke up on the floor with a sore head as I smacked it when I passed out. I really thought to myself. I had a good think. I kept having thoughts creep in about lighting, about pictures. And I thought, well you are thinking all these things you need, what you want to do. So do it. This year should be an amazing one for you. You have so much going for you this year.

I want to talk a lot today. I need to get a lot out.

Anyway, need to go to post office now.


Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Time Out.

I need some time out. Not from blogging but from mental health. And mental health services.

OK, I get a can't run away from my problems and ignoring MH services in the past has ended up with me sectioned. But, I can't see that happening being as though they told me I couldn't stay longer in hospital despite having a suicide plan that I had planned on carrying out that night.

Obviously it didn't work, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this. But, it has made me take a look at things. What do I want. Well, I don't think I want to die. I don't. I wouldn't be trying to get the three peaks in (not in one go - I am not insane, Non UK followers just google UK 3 Peaks Challenge) before I am 30 in June. To walk the West Highland Way in just over 6 weeks. To be worrying about my fitness because I haven't been to the gym in about 2 weeks. To be worrying I have put on weight and look at myself in the mirror and think "right 100 sit ups a day at least, and to be able to plank for 30seconds straight in 2 weeks (I can manage 15 at a push)". To be looking forward to going away with the girls to the US on a massive kind of coming of age holiday for us all. To be looking at going somewhere on my own in June over my birthday so I don't have to deal with people and me fitting my birthday plans in around theirs (previous post on this), to be talking to my Mum and her asking if I would like to do an American road trip with her September time, if my Dad decides to go on a photography safari.

So, looking at all of that. I have got a bloody good year planned, possibly. But, it could be an amazing year. But, despite all of this. I still have those nasty dark thoughts about life being better if I were dead? Why? How does my fucked up brain work?

I struggle to see any progress I have made. Other people say they can. They say I am a different person to how I was a year or two ago. That I am unrecognisable to the person I was. I can't see that. All I can see is how I feel. That those horrible thoughts that are so intrusive are still there. Those dark dark times where I sit planning my own suicide, having fantasies about it. And on top of this, the new thing in the last year, the hallucinations or what ever they are. The voice that shouts at me "DO IT". How can I be getting any better? How?

I had a really shitty session with G on Monday. He was having a go at me. Kind of. I saw it that way, he probably would say different. But basically he was saying why are we doing this? "You are self harming still, you fantasise about your own death, you don't use any of your coping skills, you have given up, I feel you are too fragile to be doing schema therapy and it seems as though you are not giving it your all (he wants me to write an unwritten letter to my parents about how they fucked me up - I can't do it, I don't want to place blame, and it seems so pathetic. I didn't have an awful upbringing, I wasn't abused etc etc etc, it feels like I am making something out of nothing (I need to tell him this), that when you are low I worry I will push you over the edge, when you are on an even keel I worry I will send you off on a low again. That perhaps I am not in the right place to be doing therapy etc".

So WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? On one hand I have medical people telling me I need psychology, then on the other psychology are saying that they are not sure if they can help. Hospital won't have me. I feel as though people are giving up on me. It's honestly how I feel. And in part of that feeling makes me want to run away. To say well "fuck you then. I don't need your help anyway." But, is that me being my pessimistic self, having that side in me that takes over when I am not in a good place. That thinks that if they don't think they can help then I am fucked up big style, and I may as well give up. And there is that part in my brain, that thinks why the hell aren't you happy. You are doing some amazing things this year. Major achievements. Things that are massive for you. Today I put some size 16 (US 12) jeans on. And they fit. I haven't been a 16 in jeans since I was 16 I don't think. Yet, i still feel the same huge massive person. I remember being in year 11 and having to go to M+S to get a school skirt from the ladies section as girls clothes didn't fit me and I was wearing a size 18. So that is an achievement for me. You know what one of my main thoughts is when I look at my weight loss and how I have changed. It's my ex. That one of the reasons he ended it was because he didn't find me attractive anymore (who would I was around 19stone - now around 13stone10). I am probably smaller now than I was when I met him at 17. When he fell head over heels in love with me, told me I was the most important thing in his life, when he proposed. And I am better now then I was then. I don't think would he have me back. I think, if you could see me now. Fuck you. But that's good isn't it? Is that normal. We have been apart 4 years now. We were only together 8.5 years. So nearly half the time. Yet, he still takes up such a huge part of me. I went from adolescence in to adulthood with him. I had just turned 17 when I met him and nearly 26 when we broke up.

And I look around me now. I look at the lamp I just put together that I bought because when I sit on a particular sofa I can't see to read very well, so I bought a lamp to solve that problem. I look around at the photos, all of my nephews, friends, and my friends baby. I love them so much. I look out the window and I see signs of Spring, the blossom on the trees which has only been there the last few days. In my plant plot outside one of my Geraniums if budding and I am thinking about what flowers I can have in my two little pots that will look nice.

So, why am I so fucking obsessed with my own death. It's pretty obvious I have got good things going. I should be happy. But why am I not?

I have got so much going through my head at the moment. I want to turn off. I can't.

I told my friend earlier that I was ignoring MH services until I figured out what I wanted. I didn't want them filling my head with thoughts of what I should be doing. I want to make my own decision. i said I was considering dumping G. I wasn't sure where things were going. Basically the outline of our whatsapp was "Don't dump G, you are always saying how good he is and how lucky you are, you can talk through it". So I basically said this "I get so pissed off at times. I think when I feel like I do and have done in the past I get very pessimistic and fail to see what I have achieved. Sometimes I feel he can feed in to that and doesn't challenge me on it, so I get even more down about it. As I must be right in those feelings.He's questioning whether or not the last year has done anything. And what I have got going for me". I had never articulated it before. But that's how I feel. He needs to challenge me more. Remind me of the good times etc. The other week, he asked me what I have to live for? It was the way he said it. Not, what have you got? But in a way that was like well what have you got, I am struggling to see that too? Ok, it won't have been like that. But, I took it that way. I think I need to write down for him and go through things and say how things need to change. I know I can't go on the way things are.

I know things need to change, and at the end of the day I know I need help. So, I suppose in writing this I have answered my own question about time out and what I need. But you know what? I am so fucking stubborn. I feel like I shouldn't back down and that they should come to me and say sorry. I don't know why. Because that's pretty fucked up isn't it. Why should they. They discharged me. I am alive still. They probably know me better than I actually know myself. I didn't think I would be alive if they did. I proved them right didn't I? But that's good isn't it. But, I am stubborn. I want them to come to me and say we want to help, we want to do this, this and this.

Anyone, who reads this, if anyone does. Will think something is going on with me. Truth be told I am a little drunk. Not hammered. But because I haven't drank since New Years Eve, it only takes a couple of drinks to get me pissed. Although, my measures are quite big. But, in some weird way, having a drink last night and tonight has helped me a little. Last night it let me experience emotions. I did some dancying (tidying and dancing while singing along combined - my own made up word), then I cried at stupid things. Words in books. In particular this...

"It isn't even a scar to me, really. It's a map of where my life went wrong".

That was from Jodi Picoult's Storyteller. I read it last year and I was harrowed by it. I am reading it again, because I know I loved it and will get in to it again. It's easy. As I go along I remember parts of the story and I don't have to concentrate as much. But, I know I can escape in to it. But that quote really got me.Had me tears.Like a few things did yesterday.After I got in for the evening. It really made me feel. I didn't get wankered, but just a looser tongue. And I can't talking to myself, in my head. I suppose the sensible hat was on, Same tonight. I can't really tell them though that drinking made made have these knew thoughts.

I have become attached to G, I have been seeing him 2 years now. I have a lot of respect for him. And he knows that part of me that no one ever sees so well. Perhaps better than myself. It's probably all a big ploy and plan to get me back on board, back under their control where they know best. But then is that relinquishing control which is a baaaaad thing. But is is accepting help. I need guidance. I need someone to tell me that this week, I want you to have done this and this. I did say when there was a lull in the argument that I did feel lucky that I was being offered so much support, that he had given his time for me.

He said he still see my next week and see where things lie. He wants me to write a list tasks that lead to goals.

I am going to ask him that unless I say there is something in particular I want to discuss, that he takes control of the session, and that he he has a plan. That he says unless there is something more pressing that you want to talk about, this week we are going to do this and this. AND IF possible he can send me an email with a word document, i need to know what to expect.

I will revisit this sans rum, and take some things from it.

Thanks if anyone has got this far. Please leave comments, even if you want to offer support, to say you understand, to give advice. But to let me know you are there.


Thursday, 13 March 2014

In Hospital

I've been in hospital since Sunday evening. I've nipped home at the moment on the pretence of doing a few things but in reality I have been to different pharmacies to pick up different prescriptions I am owed. Not to kill myself, but to get that nice spaced out feeling I get when I take a certain pill in excess. It's not going that well really. I have been really struggling. I was put on a 5.2 last night. But the doctor this morning talked me in to staying. He said I could go if I wanted but he didn't really advise it and if I did he wouldn't be able to help. He said he wasn't going to arrange an MHA assessment as he didn't feel that putting me under a section would help me.

I don't know. Maybe it's what I actually want. I can't deal with having any responsibility myself. Pretty obvious considering where I am now after having just done what I have done. I want to pass all control over to someone else. I can't deal with it at the moment. I suppose in a way I was goading him to section me, because I wanted someone to take that control. That's not good is it?

Anyway, was just a quick update. Even though they know I am at home I feel as though I shouldn't be and am very anxious. So, I am going to go back to the hospital.

If you use KIK - katmoss84

Sunday, 9 March 2014

Going In To Hospital.

They have found me a bed and I am going in to my local hospital. I was hoping it would be the same ward I was on a few weeks ago but it's not. They were talking about me going out of area because it has taken a week for me to get a bed. In that week I have been self harming quite a bit with the swallowing stuff and purging.

Not sure how long I will be in for. Hopefully just a few nights.

Wednesday, 5 March 2014

I Do Want To Live...

Just not like this. It's hard. It's hard fighting every day. Deep down I know I want to live and have relationships, a career, children etc etc etc. But, sometimes, especially when I feel as low as I do I see an escape and that's what I have acted on in the past. I think, possibly it's why I haven't actually acted on anything yet. I love my friends, my family, and I wouldn't want to put them through what I have put them through before.

I need to keep on fighting it. That is why hospital is probably the best bet at the moment as I can have some help with fighting it. A place I can let go and stop fighting because I know nothing can happen there. I will be giving someone else the control. And when I am ready I can come out and take it back.

I suppose I am in a better place than I have been in the past because I can recognise that. Recognise that I need a little more input. Recognise the patterns. I know I am in trouble and I have reached out. There is only so much that I can do though. I don't need to be a martyr to the illness. I can accept help.

I won't act on anything. But, the thoughts and the urges etc are there and they are distressing. When it's something that plays in your head like a film strip on repeat, it is distressing. The whole not eating thing is just a bi-product of my mental health. It's control. It's the one thing I feel I can control at the moment. It's a form of self harm which makes the suicidal urges dampen down a little. So, if that is what it takes at the moment for me not to act on anything worse then, that is the way it's going to be.

I am hoping they can find me a bed in hospital as soon as possible. I am exhausted. I need that extra support.

I am having stupid, irrational, paranoid thoughts which are hard work. But, obviously I know they are irrational, stupid and paranoid. I know they are a problem and not real. But, it doesn't make them any less distressing. It's just another thing I have to fight.

Things can be better than this. I have read back through some old posts on here, and it makes pretty depressing reading. I think anyone who reads them will probably think I need to be sectioned etc. But, this is like a diary to me, and I only really write when I am feeling bad. I think I need to start writing more when I am in a better way as well. Because when I read back through the posts all I see is depressed me. I don't see the happy times. I don't see the times I have fun etc etc etc. Because I can at times. I have great friends. Friends who I enjoy spending time with. Who, I know care about me.

I don't want to be selfish and end my life. I don't want to fail at life. But, that doesn't stop me having those thoughts and feelings and seeing it as a release as an escape. Sometimes a release and an escape that is more preferable. I have got to try and hold on to the positives. Because if I don't I will act on impulse. I need to stop thinking in terms of pros and cons, especially when I am on a low as the cons then outweigh the pros.

My analogy of today is that I am drunk and trying to drive a car. I shouldn't be doing it. What I should do is hand someone the keys and let them drive until I am sober and am focused enough to take control. If you are drunk you can act impulsively, make mistakes and end up causing a crash making things worse. So, I am going to give someone my keys.

Need Someone To Take Over

I need someone to take the control. I can't anymore. My way of control is not healthy. I am either fasting or B/P. I won't let anything other than liquid stay in me. I feel paranoid about it. That somehow the solid food will do something to me. That it's a way of letting someone/something in. It makes me really paranoid.

I am paranoid anyway. I am having thoughts about cameras being in my flat. Being watched. I am unable to leave my flat as of the anxiety I get that the paranoia brings on. I am running low on cigarettes and I know I will have to venture to the shop, that is only 100metres away, soon. I am paranoid that every siren I hear is coming for me. And when I live on one of the main routes out of the city and the same road as the main hospital, that is not good. Every few minutes there is a vehicle going by on sirens. Every police car I see worries me. I think that they are coming for me and have a S135 so they can get me sectioned.

I had someone come from HTT earlier. He tried to talk me in to going to the wards that are attached to the main hospital. But I refused. He said that there is more than likely a bed coming up there later and would I go there. I said no. Before he came round I was anxious that it was going to be a team of people coming to do an assessment. After a 15 minute chat about my urges and how I was doing, he said he was going to go back to the office and make it known I need to be in asap. That I need to be top of the list for a bed.

I won't be able to B/P if I go in to hospital. This is may way of control, of self harm at the moment. I am therefore concerned how I am going to cope with going in. Could it lead to me doing other things to SH? Possibly. I already have plans in which I can. I have thought how I can smuggle things in. I need them there as a back up. I need them. It is a safety net for me. It's a back up plan for if things aren't going well.

Hospital will stop me from succeeding in killing myself. But, it could possibly make the self harm worse.

I am sick of being this person. Yes, there are times when things are ok. But, these times are more frequent, are so hard to live with. Why am I like this? What have I done. Was I a bad person in a past life? Why can't I be normal, why did I get dealt this card. I don't believe in God, I don't think. Because, I don't see what I have done to be punished like this. To be this person. And, if there is a God and it's his plan. Why? What does me being like this achieve? I have made some bad decisions in life. I have. But, really, this kind of punishment? The feelings of being like this outweigh the pros of living, the pros for when things are going well.

I am tired. I am fed up. I feel like I am being punished.

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

No Room At The Inn

As it stands at the moment there is no room at the inn; in that there are no available beds within the city. I know I am being picky, but I can't go to Out of Town hospital, I know Fingers works there, if he is still working there. And, I haven't got on there. I can see things being worse for me if I went there. The other option is the psych wards attached to the main general hospital. Last time the staff were brilliant, but the admission wasn't useful at all. Also, you can only leave the ward 3 times a day if you smoke. That is enough on its own to make me feel worse. It is also dirty and noisy there. The showers smell, they are shared between the whole ward of 20 or so people. It is not a place for me to be. Not to help get me better. It is also on that ward that I went in informally and only a few hours later was placed on a section and transferred to PICU for a number of months. It has bad memories for me.

So, I have said I will go in, but it has to be the main psychiatric hospital in my city. Last time the admission was useful. So, I am willing to go back there. Does this make me manipulative? I know what will help me, I know what will be beneficial to me. Am I right standing by what I say?

I am a mess at the moment. I struggle to get by hour by hour. I am having fantasies of hanging myself. I have spent hours on the internet looking how to do it. I am also in cycles of fasting, binging and purging it all. I haven't eaten a meal in over a week. Not that I haven't purged straight after. I haven't actually told any of my team this. I am ashamed in some ways. I don't know why. I have been swallowing things as well. Again, I have not admitted to this as they will end up sectioning me. If that were the case I would end up being carted anywhere. It would also mean that my parents, who aren't even in the country at the moment would be contacted. I need to try and deal with this on my own.

I was waiting all day for a phone call from the HTT to update me on what was happening. At 4pm, I still hadn't heard anything so I called them. I was told she would call me in the morning. She basically just told me there was nothing else they could do, they were looking for a bed and had told me I had been moved to top of the list and as soon as one became available, it would be mine.

I still want to run away from it all. But, I can't. It would make things worse wouldn't it? But facing it head on is also scary.

I feel like I need to take some control. At the moment this is through fasting, binging then purging. I don't know what else I can do. It gives me some control. One thing about it though. It does offer me some release. Some respite. It knackers me out so much, it's like taking some PRN. It calms me down. In some ways it offers a relief similar to cutting does. It's like it's getting the bad out. Taking some pressure out of the pressure cooker. Does that make sense?

Monday, 3 March 2014


I saw G today. He talked about hospital. I said fine. Well, with a lot of persuasion.

He asked me what I thought I should do. I said I didn't know. Of course, what I was thinking was just leave me. But, I know he wouldn't do that. I said I felt like just running away because I was scared. He said that would achieve nothing as even if I ran away those thoughts and feelings would still be with me. I am still temped to. To ignore their phone calls. To go in to hiding. But, that would end up with the police at my door. Also, I don't want to put G in a position where he would have to call the police. I know running away wouldn't achieve anything. But that is all I want to do right now.

So after I left he spoke to crisis team, who also spoke to my doctor and agreed it best if I go in. So, now I am waiting to hear about beds. I have said that there are a couple of places I can't go. That make things worse for me. So they said they will try and get me one on one of the two that I have found helpful before. But, I am worried that if I turn down a bed, if it is at the hospital I hate, then, it will end up going down the MHA route. G said he wasn't going to arrange that, and he didn't think it would be helpful to me. But, if I didn't do something that would be where it is heading. That I would end up under a section. And that way, I wouldn't have any control at all. I don't feel like I have been left with much choice now anyway. I feel like if I said I didn't go in, that they would be looking at sectioning me.

I wouldn't tell him how I had been self harming. But, I said it is pretty much every day. I am losing control. I haven't eaten properly in over a week. When I have eaten a meal, I have then gone and purged it all. Or, I have gone days without eating at all. It's all a control thing for me. I can't control how I feel, I can't control the urges. But this is something I can control.

I doubt that they have a bed. I was called at just gone 14.00. So, I would imagine it will probably be tomorrow, maybe. If there was a bed they would have called me and said can you get there for such and such time.

I don't want to go. I want to run away. I want to stop feeling like this. I want it all to stop. Every time I go through these cycles I feel like this. I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know I have felt like this before and the rational person in me tells me it can be better than this and it won't last forever. But, despite that, I can't see anyway out at all. Well, I can. But it's pretty permanent. It's get harder and harder to see that it can be ok. I don't know when. I don't know how long this cycle will last for. When the feelings are so much more intense when I am like this, to just being flat, I don't see that as a way to be living. Living in hope for the times when it will just be OK. To be flat. So, even though I can't see it, the rational person who knows that it can be better than this, to them, that light is just being ok. Being flat. Not taking much enjoyment from life.

That's pretty depressing isn't it?