Saturday, 23 March 2013


Here's some debate that got me thinking tonight. I'll just copy and paste what has been said, tidy it up a bit and add a bit more at the bottom.

I have been debating with someone from the US this evening about discrimination. This is her post:

 “According to MSNBC, 88% of Americans believe in mental health background checks before gun purchases. That's right, 88% of Americans believe that people with a mental illness are not equal to everyone else and don't have a right to protect themselves. Right now MSNBC is discussing rapists, murderers and the mentally ill. Please tell me that isn't an accurate statistic and Americans don't really think of mental illness this way”?

So I have basically replied these:

 Me - “I can see their point in a way. One of the things some people have problems with if they have a MH problem is impulsivity. You have also got to consider if they are depressed, have voices telling them to harm people etc. So yeah, I can see that. But then. I am British and I don't like guns and don't think that people should be able to carry them around. Yes, you have a right to protect your self but if no one was allowed a gun you wouldn't need a gun to do so.”

Her – “I disagree, that is like saying making drugs illegal would take them off the street. What would actually happen is only criminals would have guns and law abiding citizens would not.”

Me – “You don't get the same problems here in the UK with guns as you do in the states. Think that says a lot. Also, look at Oscar Pistorius and what happened there.”

Her – “The purpose the of the second amendment is to give people the power to overthrow the government if it becomes tyrannical.”

Someone else – “I'm a 25 year old women who lives on a back road in Kentucky with no neighbours and a three year old. And my husband works night six days a week! So yes I believe people should be able own and carry a weapon! If someone decided to break into my home an adult male would have no trouble harming a small women as myself even if he didn't have a gun. And could be gone before the police could get there to help.”

Me – “We manage ok here without guns. Copied from WiKi, Levels of gun violence vary greatly across the world, with very high rates in Brazil, Venezuela, Mexico, South Africa, Colombia, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Jamaica, as well as high levels in Russia, The Philippines, Thailand, and some other underdeveloped countries, Levels of gun violence are low in Singapore, Japan, New Zealand, the United Kingdom and many other countries.[8] The United States has the highest rate of gun related injuries among developed countries, though it also has the highest rate of gun ownership and the highest rate of officers.[ Some research shows an association between household firearm ownership and gun suicide rates.[10][11] For example, it was found that individuals in a firearm owning home are close to five times more likely to commit suicide than those individuals who do not own firearms. In the United States, where suicides outnumber homicides 2:1,[16] firearms remain the most common method of suicide, accounting for 52.1% of all suicides committed during 2005.

Uk - 6.6% of Homicides gun related. USA - 67.5%. UK homicide rate per 100,000 = 1.06. USA=4.7

 Just think when there are stats like that, precautions have to be taken. Not just anyone should be able to be handed a gun. They should be taking mental health in to consideration when considering if a licence is given or not. I wouldn't like to think that someone like me who has had numerous failed suicide attempts behind me could apply for a gun licence and be given it. Of course run a criminal record check but that's not going to show any thing on me. Some people shouldn't be able to have a gun and it's as simple as that. So yes, it is discrimination, but I personally feel that it is discrimination that should be allowed.

So that's it.

Personally I don't like guns. They make me feel really uncomfortable. Even just walking past armed police at places like airports freaks me out. When I was in India I refused to sit with a group a police men until they put their guns under the chairs where I couldn't see them (I had just been caught smoking on a train by the doors and was terrified). I don't see what good can come of owning a gun. These American's are saying they have a right to protect themselves. But do you really need a gun to do that. Do they actually know how to use it, to shoot not to kill but to disarm/disable until professional help arrives. Another scenario, someone breaks in to your house. They don't realise you are in, you stumble on them and shoot them. This person, yes, they deserve to go to prison and be punished but isn't it likely if you shoot them they will die. People are more likely to fatally injure someone if they shoot them. So this person who could maybe be rehabilitated is dead. A much more severe punishment than if you actually murdered someone! A life taken.

We don't have guns readily available in the UK. If someone has one, well they shouldn't. Only the police and military should have them (I think anyway). My friends brother is a police officer in Northern Ireland and I was surprised that they are all armed and they always have to carry it with them unless they are consuming alcohol. It really surprised me. I wouldn't like the responsibility of owning or carrying a gun. I could never bring myself to fire it at someone. Not in a calm way anyway. If I lost my temper than I lose it and see red. So, who knows what I would be like in a stressful situation. But then, I don't really have to think about that, and that is kind of coming off subject a little.

I have also worked in mental health and have spoke to and read about many patients with different illnesses that can manifest in different ways. Some can hear voices telling them to do harm to other people. Then also, if you look at someone like me. I have numerous failed suicide attempts behind me and I have also been known to make some of these on impulse and also other risky behaviours on impulse. I know I am not alone here. I would hate to think that I, and anyone else like me could go and get a gun without checks on my/our mental health being made.

I feel I am lucky to live in a country where guns are not the norm and where they are so readily available. I do feel that only certain people should have access to them. We are advised that if we are threatened by an intruder not to fight but to remain calm and give them what they want. After all what is more important than your life.

What we do have a problem with here in the UK is knife crime. Mainly gangs (I think, don't quote me on that). Again young people are told if they carry a knife they themselves are more likely to be injured by a knife also. Surly this applies to guns?

So what do you think?

Friday, 22 March 2013

Called My GP

So I've actually done it. I have called my doctors and asked for an appointment with a female GP.

It's ridiculous. It's like the binge eating crap is like an addiction. I was really craving earlier and I just had this one thought going through my head which was "come on, just one day manage without, you can manage one day, get through one day". I was speaking to myself as though I was some kind of addict needing alcohol or drugs.

I can't let food rule my life like this. I am trying to be healthier with my main meals. Making sure I eat a lot of veg. And today I started off well with a boiled egg and toast for lunch with an apple as a snack. Then it just went down hill when I went to the shop to buy more veg for dinner. Ended up coming away with Daim bars and shortbread slices. It sounds awful, but I wish I could bring myself to actually make myself throw it all back up. Sorry if anyone with a ED reads this and thinks I am looking at it from a rose tinted glasses point of view. I'm not. I don't know first hand how an ED can ruin a persons life but I have a pretty good idea how a mind can be distorted and you feel it controls you. I get this from the self-harm. It controls me. It takes over my thoughts. This is ruining my life though. I don't want to live like this.

It's bothering me more now than it has done previously as I feel I have lost control and also because I have recently tried to take my life which didn't work. One failed attempt of many. I can't get it right. I know I don't have the balls to go through with a more violent/messy method. So I just keep trying to figure out the right concoction of pills to take and in what amounts. But I have tried so many times now that I don't think I will be able to get it right unless I can get some meds abroad where you don't need prescriptions. And, being as though I am not planning on any trips in the near future, that's not likely to happen. So until I do come up with another method that I think will work. I have to live like this. And why shouldn't I at least try and be a little more happy with one aspect of my life. Maybe if I was thinner I would have more confidence and I would be happier in general.

I don't know. Does it sound like I am talking sense or does it sound as though I have this idea stuck in my head and it's all I am focusing on that if maybe if I could change this one thing my whole life will be one happy joyful life? Am I being delusional about it?

Chickened Out

So I chickened out of going to see my CPN today. I was awake really late with it going through my head, round and round. So late last night I decided that I wasn't going to go. Then I managed to get to sleep.

I know I need to see her regarding what's going off. It's really bothering me and I need some medication or something to make it stop. I'm so scared of ending up in hospital again. It makes me not want to go see anyone.

So I suppose I can continue being a hermit in my flat until my next expected trip out which isn't for a few days.

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Feeling Gross

I really am feeling a big fat horrible ogre. None of my clothes seem to fit and I look awful in everything. It's my own fault. My diet since Xmas has been awful and I have probably put on about a stone and a half since then. I can't stop with the binge eating. And it's not healthy stuff I am binging on, it's stuff like crisps and chocolate. I feel horrible. I look in the mirror and I can notice it, so other people are bound to. My clothes are getting tighter also. I put a blouse on last week and it was too tight on the arms.

The thing is the worse I feel the more I eat. It's not good. It doesn't help that my kitchen is in my living room so it's so easy just to go into the fridge. I went shopping the other day and brought lots of veg and some fruit but I still end up getting extras from other shops as I am so close to other shops. I live above a shop!

I've been reading about hypno-bands and have wondered if I can get them on the NHS. I am going to make an appointment with my GP about it anyway. I don't really want diet pills as I have heard they can cause you to have more than urgent bowel needs. And being as though I already have bowel problems I think they could cause some potentially very embarrassing incidents.

I have talked about it before but my weight is something that does really bother me. I have never actually talked about this with the psychologist or anyone really. And I don't want to. I want to leave it with my GP.

So there's that.

Also I have a meeting with my CPN tomorrow. I am dreading it. I think my psychologist will have mentioned that I did something that I thought would end my life. I think she may press me to tell me more. I can't remember the last time I saw her if I had moved house or not. I don't think I had. Also, I was also supposed to have done some work on an Advanced Directive. I did plan on doing it this evening. I know, cutting it fine considering the last time I saw her was about 4-5 weeks ago. But, I haven't done it. And I really don't feel like doing it. I know doing things like that can be quite triggering for me and I feel if I go and do something like that tonight I will end up seriously self-harming as I will be triggered too much. And, I can't be arsed. That's the gist of it really. I am a lazy, fat cow.

I have no motivation at all at the moment. I am not really sure what I spend my time doing other than watching TV on the sofa all day. I rarely go out. I don't like going out. I am not sure where my nearest council gym is. I am not sure if I could get there easily. And even if I could I am not sure I have the confidence to go. I don't.

The hallucinations and irrational paranoia are still happening. Two new things on that front. Was laying in bed last night and it seemed as though paint just started pouring down the walls. Was really weird. Lasted quite a few seconds this time also. Longer than usual ones. And then Tuesday night, I was washing up, I was feeling quite anxious and paranoid anyway and the door bell went. I don't know who I thought it was but I knew I didn't want to answer it. So I hid. From one side I am 3 floors up, so you'd need a bloody great big ladder but I didn't feel safe in that room, and in the other room, you would still need a step ladder as of the blind I have permanently closed over half the window as it is on the ground floor and my bedroom is next to the front door of the block of flats. So I didn't feel safe in there either. There is one little space in my flat that is under the flat's above me stairs which is in like it's own little area and I hid in there. I was in there about half an hour. The door went a couple of times but there was no way I could open it.

I don't know who it was as if it was anyone I know they would have called me as well or after to let me know they had tried to come round. Maybe was just a door to door sales person. Who knows.

So I am going to ask her, the CPN to get me something for what's happening. I am really struggling with it. It's happening most days the hallucinations and the extreme paranoia a couple of times a week and just normal level paranoia, such as there's a camera in my smoke alarm, who the hell is watching me type of paranoia, well that happens most days also. I can't deal with it!

New Facebook Account

Hey Guys,

I have a new facebook account as my last one was locked and I can't get back in...annoying.

So here's the link. If you were my friend before or want to follow me add me.


Wednesday, 20 March 2013


This is going to sound weird. Mad even. But I have this stupid irrational fear that the dentist is going to kill me. So I have avoided going for a few years. But I can't put it off any longer. I have taken a double dose of Quetiapine and am hoping that the anti anxiety properties in that help. I usually take it at night also so I'll be not up for doing anything much at all later.

I am the same if I have a facial also. I fear that people near my face like that are going to smother me. I can get my eye brows done. Maybe because that is quicker and they are not near my nose and mouth.

It's stupid isn't it?

Wish me luck.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013


It seems Facebook have deleted my Golden Psych account. I am quite annoyed as I keep in contact with a lot of people on there. I am going to try and contact them to see if they can get it back up and running.

Anyway, if you want to contact me email me on


Monday, 18 March 2013

Tried Calling

I tried calling my CPN. She doesn't work Monday's so was a bit of a waste of time. I didn't feel as though I could talk to anyone else. So I didn't say anything. Maybe I will try again tomorrow. Who knows.

Sunday, 17 March 2013

Tough Weekend

It's been quite a tough weekend so far. The hallucinations and paranoia have been in overdrive. I have barely slept and I am really struggling with it. The psychologist said I need to accept it but I don't see how I can when it is causing me next to no sleep and it scares me so much. I need to start keeping a diary of when it happens as he has asked me to do. But I don't see any pattern occurring of how it's been over the past few days. Even since it started happening. So in all honesty I don't really see how it is going to help. But I will try it.

Friday, 15 March 2013

Emotional Night

I have realised tonight how great she is and just how much I am going to miss her. I have been holding back the tears all night, even when people around me were getting teary. But not me. But I have got home and I can not stop crying. She means so much to me. She has been there through thick and thin. She may not have said what I have always wanted her to say, but she has been right. She is one of those people who I can actually let go with and let myself be me around.

Before I got ill, I was a very outgoing person. Said what I felt, did what I wanted and acted how I wanted. Well I say that. I wasn't, but I wanted to. Around her I could. I have said that to her before. That around her I could be who I wanted to be and I knew that she wouldn't care as she was one of my closest friends and I didn't need to reserve myself. I could be that outgoing, loud, noisy, I could be me. That me who I am not even a shadow of any more.

I am really going to miss her. I hate to say it but I wish she wasn't going.

I Didn't Call.

I didn't want to call while the kids were around and I had them until 17.30 so my CPN would have gone as I think she only works school hours.

So I am not sure what to do really. There is an out of hours team but I am not sure if they would be able to help. I think they will probably just say wait until your CPN comes back on Tuesday, I think she is only part time.

So I am not sure what to do. Any advice?

Thursday, 14 March 2013

Going To Call CPN Tomorrow

I've decided I am going to call her tomorrow and either ask to see her sooner than next Friday or ask her to get the Dr to prescribe me something so I can at least try something to stop these hallucinations. I can't cope with them.

I need to do something about it. I don't know how I am going to go about accepting them. I don't think I am psychotic either. But maybe some haloperidol or lorazepam would help a little. It would help with the anxiety, and maybe the haloperidol would help with the hallucinations.

The psychologist has this theory that I am having these delusions about being watched because I am anxious and I need to attribute something to the anxiety. If that's the case, give me something for the anxiety then.

I am worried she is going to make me see the doc though. I feel really uncomfortable around him and he invalidates everything I say. I really don't like him. He has told me in the past I am feeling things I am not feeling, he says one thing and the next week goes back on it and a whole other host of things. I just don't like him. So I really don't want to see him. I am hoping I can get something prescribed to help without seeing him.

Goals and Acceptance

So, what did I tell him. Not everything. I said I had had this plan which I carried out but it didn't work. He asked what it was and I said I didn't want to talk about it as I was scared of the repercussions, especially as he said if I had informed I had OD'd that morning he wouldn't think twice about calling an ambulance. So I was worried he may do that considering it was only a few days ago.

He said he was concerned about what I had said but he wasn't going to push me.

So basically I said I was planning this plan and really thought it was going to work. So I was putting up with the hallucinations and paranoia and what ever else is going on as I knew I wouldn't have to deal with it much longer. But now, I don't have a plan, what ever I have tried in the past hasn't worked so I won't be trying it again and I can't put up with it anymore. I said it was terrifying me as wasn't getting any better and it was really bothering me.

He said he had spoken to my CPN about it and they had both agreed it was not a psychotic illness so medication wouldn't help. That's fair enough, they are both two professionals, and if they both think the same thing then they must be right. But, I can't go on with this. Is it not worth trying some kind of medication to see if that alleviates some of it? I didn't actually say any of this but I think I may try calling her tomorrow afternoon and try and get something just to see if something will work.

So I basically said well what the hell can I do. I can't live like this any more. And he said the first thing I need to do is accept what is happening to me. I said something a long the lines of well that's one fucking huge task and I am not sure if I can. This is terrifying stuff here. He said I am the only person who can do anything about it. He said that people have tried to help me and have offered me different things. DBT and working along side my family. Actually in today's session he seemed quite pissed off with me. It upset me a bit actually. I don't like it when people get annoyed with me. I can't help the way I am feeling. If I had done something for someone to be annoyed with me I would understand it. Actually saying that. I must be quite annoying. If I was the professional, I would be annoyed with me. I mean, think about it. I have been seen by the same bloke since January 2012. At first 2x a week then 1x a week now 2x a month. So over the course of just over a year I have spent probably over 75 hours with this guy. He's seen me on the PICU where I have made progress and then drop back again and since before Xmas actively suicidal. Telling him I can't see a future and I am making plans. So from his point of view he probably feels he has put all this time in to me and I am not getting anywhere as I won't give certain things a go.

So, he said we need to do some CBT around the paranoia. So he wants me to keep a diary of when I get the anxiety/paranoia attacks, what I was doing before, how I was feeling at the time, what I was doing, how long it lasted and what I did to get over it. He said he didn't think I would do it as is such a huge task. But I want to prove him wrong. So I am going to do it. And although he didn't ask me to do it for next time, I am going to do it for next time. He said that I probably thought why should I do that if I don't even know if I am going to be alive in the next month. Maybe a bit vindictive?

What he did ask me to do for next time is to write a list of goals about what I want from psychology and what I want from him. He asked me what I thought and I said I didn't have a bloody clue. He laughed at that. But I don't have a bloody clue. So please help me on this. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have decided I will talk to him properly about what I tried on Monday next time I see him. I won't have to worry that he will call an ambulance as it will have been over two weeks. Also, this is going to sound stupid, but I am due to see my CPN next week and I blatantly lied to her about what I had medication wise. So if I had have told the psychologist, it would get brought up next week and I would have a lot of hard questions to answer. If I wait until my next appointment with the psychologist in 2 weeks it will be another 3-4 weeks until I have to see her and I am hoping she may have forgotten about it. Well that's probably wishful thinking isn't it? But I can't wish.

So please help me come up with some goals of what I want from the psychology. PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: 21.40.

I also mentioned about waking up in my bathroom with a knife. I told him about the dreams I had had in the past and how stabbing myself in the stomach or being stabbed in the stomach or even opening up my old scar on my stomach had been a bit of an obsession as of late. He asked what position I was in so I said I was kneeling down and was holding the knife towards me. He asked me if I had drawn blood and I hadn't. And then he asked what happened after so I said about how I was sitting there for a while, then had a couple of cigs and then went and tried to get some more sleep in bed again but it took ages for me to fall back to sleep. He asked if I had any history of sleep walking which I don't and that was pretty much it really.

Psychology Later- What I Need To Discuss

I am still not sure if I should talk about what I did on Monday night. I want to talk about it but I am scared. I think they are going to want me to go in to hospital and it's not what I want, and I don't think it will actually help with anything. I self-harm more and more seriously. So it's not really helpful really.

I need to talk about how I am still having the hallucinations or what ever they are. And that I can't deal with it anymore. I had this plan that I was going to kill myself and I still want that but I don't have a plan at the moment. When the plan was in place there was something that was making me deal with it as I knew I wouldn't have to put up with it for much longer. Now that's not there I can't live with them. I want something to make them go away. So I am going to ask/tell him about that.

I have been very paranoid still. I don't know if it's a delusion or what but I can't help but think there are cameras in the fire/smoke alarms and that people are watching me. Also I feel people are watching me through the windows. A couple of times now I have hidden in the space under the stairs where I am not in sight of any windows or smoke/fire alarms. The other day I was there for over an hour having an anxiety/panic attack that I was being watched. It took quite a while for me to be able to talk myself out of it and to be able to move from there. It's ridiculous.

The knife incident. How I woke up the other night holding a knife to my self with tears streaming down my face. It really scared me.

I really feel as though I am losing it. All this stuff that is happening to me. It's not normal. I'm not normal. Then there is the worry that if I talk about it all in one go that they are going to want me in hospital. I am so scared of ending up in hospital again. Especially as they were talking about low secure again the other week and how the psychologist said perhaps it may have been for the best as there has been a lot of worry about me. It's pretty obvious I am not coping at all. And, looking back at my blogs from the last 2 years I think what is happening now is probably the worst I have been. So does that mean I need to be in hospital?

I'm really scared.

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

I Seem To Fail At Everything I Do.

Well, it didn't work. Obviously as I am writing this. I ended up throwing up a couple of hours later and then crashing in bed til about 12 the next day. Then wasn't really with it all day, in and out of sleep all day. Slept about another 14 hours last night and have only just started to feel ok now.

I still feel the same. I still want the same. I know I won't try that method again, useless. I was certain it would work. I took a smaller amount last time and came very close. Perhaps I shouldn't have handed over what I did to the OT worker. Maybe that would have worked better.

But, here I still am. I didn't think I would be. And so that brings me to the appointment I am supposed to have with the psychologist tomorrow. Do I go? And what the hell do I say? Part of me does want to talk about it, but then I am scared of what will happen if I do. I am scared of what the repercussions will be, a MHA assessment, a forced hospital stay. I don't want that. That's not going to help me. Will they make me go to the ED? If they make me go to the ED then I will have to speak to their psychology team who don't know me. They may make me have a MHA assessment. If they do make me have a MHA assessment what I have said to the psychologist previously will be taken in to account. If they make me have a MHA assessment they will have to inform my NR and they will know what I tried to do. I don't want them knowing I tried to do it again.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I still want the same things. I don't have a plan though. I don't know what would work that I feel I would be able to do. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I pray (I'm not really sure who to as I am agnostic) that each night I will fall asleep and not wake up. I can't take any more of what they are calling hallucinations. A couple of nights now I have woken up and smelt a really strong burning smell and have ended up walking around the flat looking for what's on fire. Thinking about ringing the fire brigade as the smell is so strong that I think to myself that it has to be real. But then the fire alarms aren't going off and I know the smoke alarms work. So I don't want to waste their time. I don't want the neighbours waking up as the firemen bang on their doors looking for a non-existent fire.

I am still seeing things. These things really scare me. When I spoke to the psychologist about it last time he seemed surprised that it was still scaring me. I think he thought that I would be getting used to it by now. I hate it. I can't stand it. I don't want to live with it. My sleep has gone to pot again. When I first moved in the first week or so I was fine. Then it hit me again. Not being able to get to sleep and then waking a lot in the night. It's horrendous.

So what do I say to him tomorrow? I really don't know.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Last Stand

So last night I had a few people over. I said it was a flat warming. Could hardly tell them that I will hopefully be dead shortly and may be the last time I can see them.

I thought I may feel upset by it. I thought I would have some anxieties. But I didn't really. I was a bit emotional after every one had left but that's because I was really drunk.

I didn't hand over my medication. I couldn't be bothered getting 2 buses to go to the hospital to hand it over. I am seeing the OT person tomorrow and it has been put in my notes that I am to give it to her. I have lied about what I have though. I am only handing over what I know wouldn't actually do anything. I just want them off my back and to think that I don't have a plan anymore and that I can keep myself safe. I don't want them trying to call me and not getting a response and then coming round or sending the police round.

My head is all over the place, it has been for weeks. I know this for sure though. And that is that I don't want to live. I want to die.

Thursday, 7 March 2013

Phone Call From CPN

So she called me today. She informed me that she would be calling my GP an telling him not to prescribe me any more medication until I hand over what I have. I don't know why I didn't lie. She said she had spoke to the psychologist about what I had said to him last week about having a stash. So she called me today and asked if what I had was prescription meds. So I said yes. She asked me if was what I had been prescribed and I said yeah. So she asked what. So I said I had some Lofepramine, Quetiapine and Metformin. So she said she is going to tell him not to prescribe me any more and to also have my meds put on to weekly prescriptions not monthly. I should have just said I had a stash of paracetamol or something and nothing that had been prescribed to me.

I came home and looked through what I have got. I am going to hand over all the Metformin, there are over 100 pills. I worked out I can probably get rid of some of the Quetiapine. I'm just going to say I didn't have as much as I thought I had and that I thought I had some of the lofepramine but I don't. If I hand over those then hopefully it will get them off my back a bit and I should still have enough to do what I want to do with them next week. My other option is lying and saying I have thrown them away myself, but I somehow think they are not going to take my word for it. I am not going out my way to give them to her though. She can come get them from me. I'm not traipsing all over town to go to the hospital for 5 minutes. If she wants me to go to the hospital I am just going to say I will get rid of them myself.

She asked me if I wanted to see her earlier than our appointment in 2 weeks and then again for that appointment. I said not. I gave my reasoning as I see the OT on Monday, Psychologist next Thursday and then her the following week so I have enough support. I obviously didn't tell her that hopefully I won't be around then anyway. So I am not going to be taking up slots in her diary that could be used from someone who could actually benefit from her help.

I am so pissed off with myself about this. I should have put more thought in to what would happen if she were to call me. I was put on the spot and couldn't think of a lie quick enough. I should have realised after I had been honest with the psychologist about it and he said he was going to speak to her that I would probably be getting a phone call. It's been a week since I have seen him though and I suppose I thought if it was going to happen it would have by now. Last Friday I was kind of expecting a call from her. It didn't come and it went out my mind. So I really wasn't expecting it today. Grrrrrr.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

A Really Scary Experience.

I don't know what happened, nothing like it has happened before and it has really scared me.

At about 3am this morning I woke up in my bathroom holding a kitchen knife with tears streaming down my face. I hadn't done anything. I don't know what woke me up. I have never slept walked before. It's really bothered me. Nothing like this has ever happened before.

Maybe I wasn't sleep walking but I was in a dissociative state. But I don't remember waking up at all in the night last night. Also, although one of my suicide fantasies is stabbing myself in the stomach. It's something that has been going through my head loads recently. Something I run through from start to finish. But, it's not my method that I have planned.

What does this mean? I am really losing it aren't I? Who knows what I would have done if I hadn't have woken up. Do I need to tell my CPN/Psychologist? I am scared about what they will make of it.

Monday, 4 March 2013

Time - Now and Then.

Every now and then I look back at my blogs to see where I was a year or 2 years ago and to see what and how things have changed. I re-read March's blogs from 2012 today and I worked out that today is a year since my Nanna died. And I didn't even know until I read the blog and worked it out. How bad is that.

With my other grandparent, my Nan I know the exact date and time. I dread the day each year and am aware most of the day that that is the day my Nan died. I feel quite bad that I feel so differently about this. That the whole day can go by and the only reason I know that it is the first year anniversary is because I read about it in my blog.

Also, I can't believe it's been a year. It was this time last year I went into myself and I just stayed in bed for weeks on end watching films and Scrubs on my laptop, not talking to anyone. I had been on that PICU since December 30th so by this point I was just getting to know people and I had my favourite staff and not so favourite ones.

It sounds stupid but sometimes I kind of miss the staff. When I go to my appointments with the psychologist I hope that I will bump into them so I can catch up with them. I know they don't care about me. I was a patient and they were doing a job. But then some of them told me a lot more than they probably should have done and were a lot more open about their personal life's than I would have ever been in a professional relationship. I don't know if they were like that because we bonded or because I had just been there so long that, well, who knows.

There are 2 or 3 I miss in particular. There's the guy who would take me to the pub who I used to have a laugh with and we used to have some really open and frank conversations, that were honest from both sides. There was the woman who was amazing and she told me a lot about her ex husband and what a knob he was, she would drive me to the supermarket and take me out on leave. There was the girl who I would spend hours speaking to on night shifts and chain smoking with while she listened to me moan about how I felt. She also forced me into going in to hospital one night and jabbed me in the bum, but I don't hold that against her. I didn't really leave her with much choice. There was a guy who was just too nice for his own good and when people were horrible to him I couldn't help but stand up for him. I knew this guy from when I worked on the wards and he took a shine to me then and I am not sure if he remembered me from when I worked on the wards but he was always checking I was ok and asking me if I needed anything.

There were so many good staff on that ward. Amazing staff. At times I put them in awful positions like when I swallowed things, cut, ligated, ran off etc. I hadn't needed to be restrained until June time. 6 months after first arriving on the ward. I was so close to some of the staff that it must have been the first or second time that it happened that because of it and that they had never had to do it to me 2 of the staff were in tears over it. Talk about feeling bad. I just lost it and couldn't handle it. I was having an anxiety attack, massive urges and was refusing medication. So they said they couldn't leave me like it and grabbed me and jabbed me.

Another time it was after a self harming episode, I was angry and was pushing the staff out my room. So they dragged me down to the De-escalation room and I was jabbed again as I didn't want to take the medication.

Then there was the time because I was crying. I was a bit annoyed about this. I think it may have been because I rarely cried. Well never let anyone see. One night I had swallowed something and I refused to go to hospital. I was assessed by the doctor and she said I didn't have capacity to refuse so I was being forced into going. I don't know what hit me but I was sitting on the floor between the bed and the wall. It was quite comfortable down there and I used to sit there when I wanted privacy as it gave me that little bit more and made me feel a bit shielded. But, I was sat there and just started crying. A lot and couldn't stop. I couldn't get my words out. Next thing I know I am being hauled onto the bed and jabbed in the arse. Think they just wanted to make sure I didn't kick off at the hospital or try and do a runner. I was a bit annoyed about that incident though. Never mind. It wasn't like the incident with Fingers though which left me fuming.

I hope I am not like that now. The psychologist mentioned a bit about this the other day. We were talking about anger etc and he said that he thought a lot of the incidents that occurred before we met where I had ended up being restrained for hours at a time were due to anger. There was one occasion where I was restrained for over 4 hours. So I have been told anyway. I used to dissociate when it happened and can't really remember what happened. What usually led to it though was self harming and then disappointment and feeling let down with myself that I had been found. There was the self loathing and anger at my whole situation I was in. I suppose I was quite ill.

But then I say that, I look at what I wrote before I was admitted, what I wrote about the thoughts and feelings I was having and now they're not that much different. Throw in the hallucinations or what ever they are now and I suppose that would make me worse. So am I more ill now than I was nearly 2 years ago when I was first admitted? Or maybe because I am more aware of it and have more insight I am not ill? Is it just that I know now what to say and what not to say to stop me being admitted again?

I don't know. Anyone else got any insight on this for me. Other peoples opinions will help.


Lost Relationships

GOM's sister came over on Friday night. I have not seen her since I went travelling 3 years ago. I was really worried about it. Of course there was no way I was going to be telling her I had been in hospital for a year and that the self harming and thoughts were out of control.

So I lied. I said I had come back from travelling and started my first year at uni. Just before I was due to go back to uni I had to have an operation which meant because I was in hospital for 2 weeks and there was a long recovery I had to defer going back for a year. I then decided I wanted to go travelling again and thought that being as though I would only be able to defer for one more year that I would do it now. So another year out from uni. But rather than going travelling I decided to move out and here I am in my own flat and am going back next year.

I hate lying. I always end up tripping up on the lies. I don't know what I have said etc.

I thought it would be really weird seeing her again. Really awkward. I bit the bullet and asked about GOM. I said about him being engaged and she looked at me and said what you don't know. I was like what? So she said they broke up last July time and she had ended it with him and he was really cut up over it. I didn't go in to why they broke up I thought that would have been too much. She said that GOM was on plenty of fish and he had seen me on there so had assumed that I had seen him on there. I hadn't. So we talked a bit about that and I said it was quite sad really as when we were together he had always said by the time he was 30 he would like to be settled down, married with kids. He's 33 this year. So he must be feeling like he has to find someone else. Kind of feel sorry for him. But at the same time, the evil me felt well at least now you know some of what it's like to have the person you love loads and you think you are going to spend the rest of your life with end it with you.

We talked a bit about this LD person and she said she was never really that keen on her and found her really boring and she much preferred me. That pleased me.

Bad really aren't I?

But it was really nice seeing her and catching up and getting all the details of her wedding in August

Another friend also came round last week. She was the girl I lived next door to when I was a child and was the one I stole the money with. She has a baby now who is really sweet. Is quite weird though. We are so different now. We are from different lives. It's weird how we are so different considering we saw each other every day until we were 13. If I met her now and hadn't known her previously I doubt we would have anything in common and probably wouldn't be friends now. It is only because we grew up next door to each other that we have remained friends. Well I say that I haven't seen her since she got married nearly 4 years ago. We talk on facebook on that's about it.

So these people are coming out the woodwork. I was speaking to the psychologist about it when I saw him last week. I said I don't like lying to these people, I feel as though I could lose track. But there is no way I want these people knowing I was in hospital etc, so my only option is to lie. He said it was obvious people cared about me as they wouldn't be in contact with me if they didn't. He said it was nice that they were coming over etc. He seemed really pleased about it. It doesn't bother me really. I don't have issues around how many friends I do or don't have. If I had then I would have been quite pleased with it. But, being lonely isn't one of my concerns so it doesn't really affect me. I don't know if he seemed to think it was as reaction seemed to point towards that but, it's not.

Anyway, I am feeling shit at the moment. I have a stinking cold and feel so awful with it. Was sleeping on the sofa most of yesterday. I couldn't even face getting clothes on to go out and get some paracetamol. Today I feel horrible also. It's going to be another sofa day. It's going to my chest also so going to be hacking and spewing all over the place. Yuck!

Wish me well.