Here's some debate that got me thinking tonight. I'll just copy and paste what has been said, tidy it up a bit and add a bit more at the bottom.
I have been debating with someone from the US this evening about discrimination. This is her post:
“According to MSNBC, 88% of Americans believe in mental health background checks before gun purchases. That's right, 88% of Americans believe that people with a mental illness are not equal to everyone else and don't have a right to protect themselves. Right now MSNBC is discussing rapists, murderers and the mentally ill. Please tell me that isn't an accurate statistic and Americans don't really think of mental illness this way”?
So I have basically replied these:
Me - “I can see their point in a way. One of the things some people have problems with if they have a MH problem is impulsivity. You have also got to consider if they are depressed, have voices telling them to harm people etc. So yeah, I can see that. But then. I am British and I don't like guns and don't think that people should be able to carry them around. Yes, you have a right to protect your self but if no one was allowed a gun you wouldn't need a gun to do so.”
Her – “I disagree, that is like saying making drugs illegal would take them off the street. What would actually happen is only criminals would have guns and law abiding citizens would not.”
Me – “You don't get the same problems here in the UK with guns as you do in the states. Think that says a lot. Also, look at Oscar Pistorius and what happened there.”
Her – “The purpose the of the second amendment is to give people the power to overthrow the government if it becomes tyrannical.”
Someone else – “I'm a 25 year old women who lives on a back road in Kentucky with no neighbours and a three year old. And my husband works night six days a week! So yes I believe people should be able own and carry a weapon! If someone decided to break into my home an adult male would have no trouble harming a small women as myself even if he didn't have a gun. And could be gone before the police could get there to help.”
Me – “We manage ok here without guns. Copied from WiKi, Levels of gun violence vary greatly across the world, with very high rates in Brazil, Venezuela, Mexico, South Africa, Colombia, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Jamaica, as well as high levels in Russia, The Philippines, Thailand, and some other underdeveloped countries, Levels of gun violence are low in Singapore, Japan, New Zealand, the United Kingdom and many other countries.[8] The United States has the highest rate of gun related injuries among developed countries, though it also has the highest rate of gun ownership and the highest rate of officers.[ Some research shows an association between household firearm ownership and gun suicide rates.[10][11] For example, it was found that individuals in a firearm owning home are close to five times more likely to commit suicide than those individuals who do not own firearms. In the United States, where suicides outnumber homicides 2:1,[16] firearms remain the most common method of suicide, accounting for 52.1% of all suicides committed during 2005.
Uk - 6.6% of Homicides gun related. USA - 67.5%. UK homicide rate per 100,000 = 1.06. USA=4.7
Just think when there are stats like that, precautions have to be taken. Not just anyone should be able to be handed a gun. They should be taking mental health in to consideration when considering if a licence is given or not. I wouldn't like to think that someone like me who has had numerous failed suicide attempts behind me could apply for a gun licence and be given it. Of course run a criminal record check but that's not going to show any thing on me. Some people shouldn't be able to have a gun and it's as simple as that. So yes, it is discrimination, but I personally feel that it is discrimination that should be allowed.
So that's it.
Personally I don't like guns. They make me feel really uncomfortable. Even just walking past armed police at places like airports freaks me out. When I was in India I refused to sit with a group a police men until they put their guns under the chairs where I couldn't see them (I had just been caught smoking on a train by the doors and was terrified). I don't see what good can come of owning a gun. These American's are saying they have a right to protect themselves. But do you really need a gun to do that. Do they actually know how to use it, to shoot not to kill but to disarm/disable until professional help arrives. Another scenario, someone breaks in to your house. They don't realise you are in, you stumble on them and shoot them. This person, yes, they deserve to go to prison and be punished but isn't it likely if you shoot them they will die. People are more likely to fatally injure someone if they shoot them. So this person who could maybe be rehabilitated is dead. A much more severe punishment than if you actually murdered someone! A life taken.
We don't have guns readily available in the UK. If someone has one, well they shouldn't. Only the police and military should have them (I think anyway). My friends brother is a police officer in Northern Ireland and I was surprised that they are all armed and they always have to carry it with them unless they are consuming alcohol. It really surprised me. I wouldn't like the responsibility of owning or carrying a gun. I could never bring myself to fire it at someone. Not in a calm way anyway. If I lost my temper than I lose it and see red. So, who knows what I would be like in a stressful situation. But then, I don't really have to think about that, and that is kind of coming off subject a little.
I have also worked in mental health and have spoke to and read about many patients with different illnesses that can manifest in different ways. Some can hear voices telling them to do harm to other people. Then also, if you look at someone like me. I have numerous failed suicide attempts behind me and I have also been known to make some of these on impulse and also other risky behaviours on impulse. I know I am not alone here. I would hate to think that I, and anyone else like me could go and get a gun without checks on my/our mental health being made.
I feel I am lucky to live in a country where guns are not the norm and where they are so readily available. I do feel that only certain people should have access to them. We are advised that if we are threatened by an intruder not to fight but to remain calm and give them what they want. After all what is more important than your life.
What we do have a problem with here in the UK is knife crime. Mainly gangs (I think, don't quote me on that). Again young people are told if they carry a knife they themselves are more likely to be injured by a knife also. Surly this applies to guns?
So what do you think?
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Saturday, 23 March 2013
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
It Is Getting Worse.
So first off what I wanted to say about my recent stay on medical wards.
You know I wrote that post in which I talked about my dream of being in hospital when I stabbed myself. I said it wasn't my hospital but it was the staff. Well turns out it was my hospital. It was the intensive care ward. The ward in which I was on over the weekend. I have never been on that ward, never visited anyone and had no idea what it was like. Until I was there and it was the same as my dream. It goes to show my dreams do show me things. Dreams have shown me things in the past but I have never had it where I have written about it and then, bam! I have been there. Kind of weird really. Does it mean my dreams can predict the future in some weird way?
Anyway, today.
So, summoned to the hospital to see Dr T and Beth. Dr T as usual was running late. So Beth sat with me in the waiting room. She was asking me loads of questions. She basically said that last week the only thing that would have stopped me from doing what I did would have been to use the MHA then. I just said nothing would stop me. She kept going over and over things. Talking about stuff that had happened that I didn't know about. A call to the police saying there was a dead body from someones mobile phone. I don't get why they didn't call an ambulance? Why the police? If you come across what you think is a dead body, unless quite obviously dead, such as being decapitated, or just some limbs, you would call an ambulance. Even if you felt for a pulse and couldn't find one, you would still call an ambulance. I find all that weird. So much so I wonder if that was actually the way in which things panned out. I mean, this team have been known to get things wrong before.
So in with Dr T. I can't make eye contact. I can't speak. All I can say is I don't want to see anyone and I won't work with anyone. Again, they asked me to go in to hospital on a voluntary basis. I said no. As I said before, I fear hospital more than I fear death.
Dr T then told me I was feeling angry at them. No, not particularly. I just want to be left alone. I feel that their input makes me worse. I said I wanted to go alone. They said they couldn't do that as they were worried and my actions had caused a lot of concern. And, my behaviour now was causing concern.
I was asked how I felt, I said I wished it had worked, what I didn't say was because I don't want to deal with what is going off now. Everyone knows. I never wanted that. I don't want anyone knowing. They asked if I was still having thoughts and I said I was but I didn't have any plans. And here they go again with getting it wrong. They said I had attempted in the past when I didn't have plans. Well, actually no! Every attempt has been planned. I didn't have the energy to attempt to argue with them. I don't have the energy to argue with them.
Dr T asked me if I thought I was unwell. I said no. I don't feel that I am. These feelings aren't any different to what I have been feeling for a long time. So I don't think I am unwell. I don't know what they think though. I couldn't look at them in the eye and I couldn't speak really. Just the occasional one word answer and the odd nod, shake and shrug. I tried to get out of my head and from what was going on. I noticed Beth's nice shoes and her purple toes, Dr T's very unfashionable black lace up shoes with a diamond kind of print socks. The carpet was blue with a small pattern in which I thought looked like a leopard print pattern, very discreet though. It smelt of paint. It smelt of a new building. Which it was. After all it's only been open less than a year.
I declined their input. Dr T said he would see me weekly, only yesterday I was told he is discharging me. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone.
Dr T asked Beth what she thought. She said I needed a Mental Health Act Assessment. She said they had a duty of care, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!! Dr T agreed and they asked me if I would wait in reception. I said I just wanted to go home. They asked me if I would agree to the assessment and I just kind of shrugged. I don't have a choice. I don't want them turning up at my door with the police and get me on a S135. It was quite late and I think Dr T wanted to see his last clients and go home. And, he wanted to get my GP involved. So they said an assessment would be arranged for tomorrow and they would come to my house. I don't know if it will be Dr T. I don't know who it will be. They are going to try and get my GP to come also, as I think he is supposed to be the doctor that knows me. I was asked to guarantee that I would keep myself safe tonight. Again, I said I didn't have plans so it was fine.
They did the whole going in to the past thing again. Wanting to know what has gone on in my life and any significant events. I said there were none. I am not sure if those things that happened are significant enough to cause this. Why does it have to be an event that causes it. Why can't it just be the way things are. I still feel it's all very Freudian. A Psychiatrist I don't have respect for as quite frankly, he was talking rubbish. I mean, how can you take someone seriously who comes up with things like the Oedipus and Alexis Complex. Really?
I was asked if I was ok to drive. They wanted to call my Mum and I said she was out. She was, she was at meetings. I said I only lived 5 minutes away and I would be fine. I got in my car. Composed myself. Then instead of turning right to go home I turned left. I wasn't really sure where I was heading. I was going to drive around my childhood haunts. Go and walk up to my wishing tree. This is a tree that when I was a kid, my friend and I used to go to and we used to believe it had magic powers to grant wishes. It was quite a cool tree and easy to climb. I went back there a few years ago. But, I had no energy. I couldn't be bothered to walk through the rain, through the park/forest what ever it's called to go find my tree. Instead, I drove to the cemetery.
When I have been really bad and at a low point I speak out loud to my Nan. Hoping that somehow, if I am doing such a wrong thing she will somehow let me know. I decided I was going to visit her and my Grandad's grave. I haven't been in about 2 years. No one tends to go. As a family we were never one for visiting people's graves, after all only the body is there and their soul has (supposedly, if you believe religion) gone to heaven. So if you wanted to talk to them you should pray. I went to the cemetery. There were no cars in the car park. Being as though it was an area in which some of the rioting at happened (it hit my city the other night with police stations being firebombed and shops in the city centre being looted), not majorly, but I didn't want some yob seeing my car all alone and think they could just nick it or set fire to it. The latter being more likely as not the type of car you steal as it's a rust bucket and takes about an hour to get from 0-60mph. I saw another car drive in to the cemetery so it's what I did.
I drove up to the grave. I got a blanket out and as I sat down, I looked around to ensure I wasn't in earshot of anyone and talked to my Nan and a little to my Grandad. He died when I was one so I never really knew him. But my Nan, well, she was second Mum. I was there about 45minutes. I apologised and asked that if there was some form of afterlife, could she some how let me know. Then I asked if it was because what I had done was against the religion she tried to bring me up as (Catholic...dragged to church every Sunday until she died when I was 15 and I have not been back since), and was that the reason why she wasn't making herself known to me?
I don't know what I believe when it comes to the whole death thing. I would like to think re-incarnation. As after all, forever after as a dead person, is a bloody long time. And I am not sure if I like that. I mean what if you marry, they die and you re marry, and they die. If there is such thing as heaven...who are you with? Think about it? It's not exactly the best thought out plans is it?
So after that I go home. I really don't want to go home. I said to my friend earlier, if I had the money I would do a runner for a while. Hop on a plane and get out of here. Disappear for a while. But, all I have is a shit load of debt and only £60 in cash. Won't get me far or last for long will it?
I think I am going to be sectioned. I won't work with them, and I don't know if they will just let me go on my merry way. I fear hospital more than I fear death. I have already started thinking about how I can do it while I am in hospital, if they make me go in. I have hidden needles in my belongings. So, hopefully, if I am searched they won't find all of them and I have some outlet still.
My career is fucked basically also.
I came home and spoke to my Mum telling her what was going to happen tomorrow. She made jokes like asking me if she should make them all a cuppa and try and butter them up. Me, I think make them a cuppa and put chloroform in it so I can do a runner. Didn't say this out loud though.
We then got talking about my Dad. She said that this whole situation had made her realise she was always being defensive about me and my brothers and she didn't like feeling like that. I agreed. He is hard work. So I came out with it and asked if they were going to break up. She said it was looking like that. She doesn't want to lead the rest of her life feeling defensive around my Dad. I just said I had seen it coming for a long time now and was surprised she lasted this long. I do worry about my Dad though. As much as I can't stand to be around him at times and I would hate for him to be here now. I don't think he could cope on his own.
I asked if she had thought about practicalities and she said she had. I asked what would happen to the house we live in now. She said she couldn't afford to run it on her own as it's a big house and the bills are large etc. So we talked about if it remained amicable would my Dad support her still in living in the house. It's a possibility. Also, there are2 very similar houses for sale on my road already. They are only on the market for about £400,000 and so is not a good time to sell as they are worth more than that. So, maybe we could stay here and my Dad would move to one of his houses that he owns. If they do split I hope it remains amicable between them.
So that's been my day. I think tomorrow I am going to end up in hospital. I am scared.
I have one friend telling me to lie, and the other telling me she thinks it may be for the best. I have only told 2 friends. I don't want anyone else knowing.
So, if I don't blog for a while. It's cos I have been put in a straight jacket and rushed off to be drugged up and kept quiet!
You know I wrote that post in which I talked about my dream of being in hospital when I stabbed myself. I said it wasn't my hospital but it was the staff. Well turns out it was my hospital. It was the intensive care ward. The ward in which I was on over the weekend. I have never been on that ward, never visited anyone and had no idea what it was like. Until I was there and it was the same as my dream. It goes to show my dreams do show me things. Dreams have shown me things in the past but I have never had it where I have written about it and then, bam! I have been there. Kind of weird really. Does it mean my dreams can predict the future in some weird way?
Anyway, today.
So, summoned to the hospital to see Dr T and Beth. Dr T as usual was running late. So Beth sat with me in the waiting room. She was asking me loads of questions. She basically said that last week the only thing that would have stopped me from doing what I did would have been to use the MHA then. I just said nothing would stop me. She kept going over and over things. Talking about stuff that had happened that I didn't know about. A call to the police saying there was a dead body from someones mobile phone. I don't get why they didn't call an ambulance? Why the police? If you come across what you think is a dead body, unless quite obviously dead, such as being decapitated, or just some limbs, you would call an ambulance. Even if you felt for a pulse and couldn't find one, you would still call an ambulance. I find all that weird. So much so I wonder if that was actually the way in which things panned out. I mean, this team have been known to get things wrong before.
So in with Dr T. I can't make eye contact. I can't speak. All I can say is I don't want to see anyone and I won't work with anyone. Again, they asked me to go in to hospital on a voluntary basis. I said no. As I said before, I fear hospital more than I fear death.
Dr T then told me I was feeling angry at them. No, not particularly. I just want to be left alone. I feel that their input makes me worse. I said I wanted to go alone. They said they couldn't do that as they were worried and my actions had caused a lot of concern. And, my behaviour now was causing concern.
I was asked how I felt, I said I wished it had worked, what I didn't say was because I don't want to deal with what is going off now. Everyone knows. I never wanted that. I don't want anyone knowing. They asked if I was still having thoughts and I said I was but I didn't have any plans. And here they go again with getting it wrong. They said I had attempted in the past when I didn't have plans. Well, actually no! Every attempt has been planned. I didn't have the energy to attempt to argue with them. I don't have the energy to argue with them.
Dr T asked me if I thought I was unwell. I said no. I don't feel that I am. These feelings aren't any different to what I have been feeling for a long time. So I don't think I am unwell. I don't know what they think though. I couldn't look at them in the eye and I couldn't speak really. Just the occasional one word answer and the odd nod, shake and shrug. I tried to get out of my head and from what was going on. I noticed Beth's nice shoes and her purple toes, Dr T's very unfashionable black lace up shoes with a diamond kind of print socks. The carpet was blue with a small pattern in which I thought looked like a leopard print pattern, very discreet though. It smelt of paint. It smelt of a new building. Which it was. After all it's only been open less than a year.
I declined their input. Dr T said he would see me weekly, only yesterday I was told he is discharging me. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone.
Dr T asked Beth what she thought. She said I needed a Mental Health Act Assessment. She said they had a duty of care, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!! Dr T agreed and they asked me if I would wait in reception. I said I just wanted to go home. They asked me if I would agree to the assessment and I just kind of shrugged. I don't have a choice. I don't want them turning up at my door with the police and get me on a S135. It was quite late and I think Dr T wanted to see his last clients and go home. And, he wanted to get my GP involved. So they said an assessment would be arranged for tomorrow and they would come to my house. I don't know if it will be Dr T. I don't know who it will be. They are going to try and get my GP to come also, as I think he is supposed to be the doctor that knows me. I was asked to guarantee that I would keep myself safe tonight. Again, I said I didn't have plans so it was fine.
They did the whole going in to the past thing again. Wanting to know what has gone on in my life and any significant events. I said there were none. I am not sure if those things that happened are significant enough to cause this. Why does it have to be an event that causes it. Why can't it just be the way things are. I still feel it's all very Freudian. A Psychiatrist I don't have respect for as quite frankly, he was talking rubbish. I mean, how can you take someone seriously who comes up with things like the Oedipus and Alexis Complex. Really?
I was asked if I was ok to drive. They wanted to call my Mum and I said she was out. She was, she was at meetings. I said I only lived 5 minutes away and I would be fine. I got in my car. Composed myself. Then instead of turning right to go home I turned left. I wasn't really sure where I was heading. I was going to drive around my childhood haunts. Go and walk up to my wishing tree. This is a tree that when I was a kid, my friend and I used to go to and we used to believe it had magic powers to grant wishes. It was quite a cool tree and easy to climb. I went back there a few years ago. But, I had no energy. I couldn't be bothered to walk through the rain, through the park/forest what ever it's called to go find my tree. Instead, I drove to the cemetery.
When I have been really bad and at a low point I speak out loud to my Nan. Hoping that somehow, if I am doing such a wrong thing she will somehow let me know. I decided I was going to visit her and my Grandad's grave. I haven't been in about 2 years. No one tends to go. As a family we were never one for visiting people's graves, after all only the body is there and their soul has (supposedly, if you believe religion) gone to heaven. So if you wanted to talk to them you should pray. I went to the cemetery. There were no cars in the car park. Being as though it was an area in which some of the rioting at happened (it hit my city the other night with police stations being firebombed and shops in the city centre being looted), not majorly, but I didn't want some yob seeing my car all alone and think they could just nick it or set fire to it. The latter being more likely as not the type of car you steal as it's a rust bucket and takes about an hour to get from 0-60mph. I saw another car drive in to the cemetery so it's what I did.
I drove up to the grave. I got a blanket out and as I sat down, I looked around to ensure I wasn't in earshot of anyone and talked to my Nan and a little to my Grandad. He died when I was one so I never really knew him. But my Nan, well, she was second Mum. I was there about 45minutes. I apologised and asked that if there was some form of afterlife, could she some how let me know. Then I asked if it was because what I had done was against the religion she tried to bring me up as (Catholic...dragged to church every Sunday until she died when I was 15 and I have not been back since), and was that the reason why she wasn't making herself known to me?
I don't know what I believe when it comes to the whole death thing. I would like to think re-incarnation. As after all, forever after as a dead person, is a bloody long time. And I am not sure if I like that. I mean what if you marry, they die and you re marry, and they die. If there is such thing as heaven...who are you with? Think about it? It's not exactly the best thought out plans is it?
So after that I go home. I really don't want to go home. I said to my friend earlier, if I had the money I would do a runner for a while. Hop on a plane and get out of here. Disappear for a while. But, all I have is a shit load of debt and only £60 in cash. Won't get me far or last for long will it?
I think I am going to be sectioned. I won't work with them, and I don't know if they will just let me go on my merry way. I fear hospital more than I fear death. I have already started thinking about how I can do it while I am in hospital, if they make me go in. I have hidden needles in my belongings. So, hopefully, if I am searched they won't find all of them and I have some outlet still.
My career is fucked basically also.
I came home and spoke to my Mum telling her what was going to happen tomorrow. She made jokes like asking me if she should make them all a cuppa and try and butter them up. Me, I think make them a cuppa and put chloroform in it so I can do a runner. Didn't say this out loud though.
We then got talking about my Dad. She said that this whole situation had made her realise she was always being defensive about me and my brothers and she didn't like feeling like that. I agreed. He is hard work. So I came out with it and asked if they were going to break up. She said it was looking like that. She doesn't want to lead the rest of her life feeling defensive around my Dad. I just said I had seen it coming for a long time now and was surprised she lasted this long. I do worry about my Dad though. As much as I can't stand to be around him at times and I would hate for him to be here now. I don't think he could cope on his own.
I asked if she had thought about practicalities and she said she had. I asked what would happen to the house we live in now. She said she couldn't afford to run it on her own as it's a big house and the bills are large etc. So we talked about if it remained amicable would my Dad support her still in living in the house. It's a possibility. Also, there are2 very similar houses for sale on my road already. They are only on the market for about £400,000 and so is not a good time to sell as they are worth more than that. So, maybe we could stay here and my Dad would move to one of his houses that he owns. If they do split I hope it remains amicable between them.
So that's been my day. I think tomorrow I am going to end up in hospital. I am scared.
I have one friend telling me to lie, and the other telling me she thinks it may be for the best. I have only told 2 friends. I don't want anyone else knowing.
So, if I don't blog for a while. It's cos I have been put in a straight jacket and rushed off to be drugged up and kept quiet!
Friday, 5 August 2011
I'm Going To Try Again
Don't tell me to go to hospital, don't tell me to call Crisis Team. You know my feelings about them.
I don't want to go on like this anymore. The cycles I can't control are in control of me.
I just hope it works. I will leave the house in the dead of night to ensure that my family don't find me. OK, it's probably pretty selfish as some poor dog walker will. What have they done to deserve that? But, they wont be able to do anything about it. It's not as though they can think "what could I have done". Well in all honesty no one can do anything. I am broken. You can't fix me now. It has gone too far.
I am not all together sure it will work. But if you never try you will never succeed. Try try again and then you will succeed. Never give up. That is what I was taught through my childhood. Never give up! Friday night is probably not the best night to try with people coming back from out on the town. But, if I can get to where I need to be then it should work.
If you never try you'll never succeed!
I don't want to go on like this anymore. The cycles I can't control are in control of me.
I just hope it works. I will leave the house in the dead of night to ensure that my family don't find me. OK, it's probably pretty selfish as some poor dog walker will. What have they done to deserve that? But, they wont be able to do anything about it. It's not as though they can think "what could I have done". Well in all honesty no one can do anything. I am broken. You can't fix me now. It has gone too far.
I am not all together sure it will work. But if you never try you will never succeed. Try try again and then you will succeed. Never give up. That is what I was taught through my childhood. Never give up! Friday night is probably not the best night to try with people coming back from out on the town. But, if I can get to where I need to be then it should work.
If you never try you'll never succeed!
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Tonight's Thoughts.
I procrastinate over everything. I have not done any uni work this week. I should be doing some every day. If it didn't matter to me I could understand why I am doing it but it does matter. But then I think well I am probably going to try and kill myself come the end of July so why bother.
I also put off thinking about what I should be doing. Like when I have appointments with Sam she asks me what thought I have put in to what we discussed in the previous session. I don't tend to think about things that much outside of the sessions. I don't want to. I know I write it on here but then I write it and I file it away. I don't dwell on it. Maybe I should be doing. Maybe I should be looking at it in a homework way. But I don't have the time. I don't really want to be thinking about it.
I took my nephew out for a bit earlier. He is only 2. We only went to the opticians and supermarket but weirdly he seemed to enjoy himself and I only had to deal with one tantrum which I ignored. So I am taking him out again tomorrow. But, tomorrow is a spoiling him day. It was his birthday at the beginning of April and I was supposed to take him out on the day of the Royal wedding but I was in a plaster cast so I couldn't. So I am taking him out and spoiling him for the day. What he wants (within reason) he can have. It did make me feel a bit happier taking him out. And he is that cute that I love parading him. I don't think I am being biased but he is gorgeous. He has almost white wavy hair and he is so pretty. People may say to me think about your nephews if you do kill yourself. The way I feel though is that they are both so young still they will never remember me. So if I am going to, do it soon whilst I am not remembered.
I realise I probably sound a bit stupid saying this. I realise I am not looking at the bigger picture but sometimes what is right in front of my eyes is all that matters. I know what I would be saying to someone who was saying the same things as I am. But, even when I challenge myself on my thoughts, I ignore it.
I have this operation next week. I hope that I have some reaction to the anaesthetic and I can just disappear without it hurting, without any bravery from me. I think it's possibly the reason why I haven't managed to succeed yet is because I am not brave enough. I can't handle pain either. And what is there after death. Is there reincarnation, an afterlife, heaven, hell. What is there? I quite like the reincarnation idea. I like the Hindu Caste idea but then surly if I took my own life it would mean I have less in the next life?
Or is there nothing? I don't think that's the case. There are too many stories about ghosts that seem plausible. And, stupid as it sounds I think my Nan comes to me in my dreams. I dream about her quite a bit and often she is giving me a hug, or straight talking to me. 11 years on and I still miss her so much that when I think about her I start to cry. There's a song by Robbie Williams called Nan's Song which is a song about his Nan and I feel that way also. Obviously the first bit is his idea of a laugh but bear with it. I love Robbie. I realised the other day I have been a fan of his for more than half of my life. That's dedication. I know all the words to his songs, I own all the albums and I have a massive crush on him. I didn't like him in Take That the first time round. I was more of a Mark fan. Although looking at them now Mark is an ugly little scrote and the others are the ones that are nice. Even Gary Barlow isn't that bad! OK went a bit off topic there.
If there is such thing as ghosts and I have the option to come back as one. I am so doing it. There are so many people I would love to mess with. Not in a poltergeist way, but a "am I going mad, I am sure I didn't put that there" kind of way. It would be ace.
On topic of ghosts. When I worked in my first psychiatric unit there were some odd things going off. First off the unit was built on the grounds of an old nursing home. The nursing home was demolished and that built in it's place. Also, the road in which is was on is legendary in my city as there being the a ghost that appeared in people's mirrors as they were driving. When driving to and from work on that 2 minutes it took me to drive up that dark, windy road I never looked in my mirror as I was shit scared. So many people had said they had seen things.
Anyway. I was on high obs of a patient ( who was sleeping and we were line of sight) with a member of staff who didn't usually work on my ward. We were chatting and we found out she lived really near me and she didn't drive. So I offered her a lift home from work. I said to her I'll meet you in the staff canteen after. And she turns round and says really quite sharply "I'm not meeting you in there". OK, I was thinking, a bit rude. So I asked her to meet me in reception "no, I am not meeting you in there either, I'll meet you outside". She looked at me and could tell by my expression that I was kind of puzzled. She then turned round to me and said "I'm not being funny but this place is haunted and I can see them. It's some weird thing I have and they talk to me and here it freaks me out". Well by this I was thinking that she needed a bed.
I left it at that and gave her a lift home. A couple of days later I was talking about it with another member of staff and not naming her had said what she had said and then made a comment about needing to be more worried about the staff than patients. He then seriously said to me that he wasn't surprised as a couple members of staff had reported seeing things. Patients had also, but I think it wasn't taken seriously and was put down to hallucinations. We never discussed it in front of patients so there was no way they could have caught on.
So it kind of freaked me out working there. And night shifts when you walked to corridors on your own were the worst.
This girl I did actually become quite close to and we regularaly used to get drunk together after shifts and bitch about the shift and the place we worked in. She told me more and more about this thing that she had. At first I was kind of freaked out by it, especially when she said I had a resident ghost in my spare room. After a while I relaxed by it and named my ghost Edith. And when I was drunk I used to talk to her. Maybe I was taken in by it all. But. There are so many people that say they can see and hear things that surely there is something?
And what about 6th senses? Apparently in my family there are some people with a 6th sense. My Nan used to be able to mix all her records up then randomly select one with her eyes closed and name what it was. My thing is that I dream of places before I have been there. I am not in touch with it enough that I can dream and then say right ok, this is going to happen and this will be the scenario but I have often been in a new situation and known that I had been there before. Just small things like a pathway in a hotel grounds or something small and insignificant like that.
I'm going to stop now. Perhaps I am delusional? Lol. But one thing is I have bloody scared myself.
Good night world.
x
I also put off thinking about what I should be doing. Like when I have appointments with Sam she asks me what thought I have put in to what we discussed in the previous session. I don't tend to think about things that much outside of the sessions. I don't want to. I know I write it on here but then I write it and I file it away. I don't dwell on it. Maybe I should be doing. Maybe I should be looking at it in a homework way. But I don't have the time. I don't really want to be thinking about it.
I took my nephew out for a bit earlier. He is only 2. We only went to the opticians and supermarket but weirdly he seemed to enjoy himself and I only had to deal with one tantrum which I ignored. So I am taking him out again tomorrow. But, tomorrow is a spoiling him day. It was his birthday at the beginning of April and I was supposed to take him out on the day of the Royal wedding but I was in a plaster cast so I couldn't. So I am taking him out and spoiling him for the day. What he wants (within reason) he can have. It did make me feel a bit happier taking him out. And he is that cute that I love parading him. I don't think I am being biased but he is gorgeous. He has almost white wavy hair and he is so pretty. People may say to me think about your nephews if you do kill yourself. The way I feel though is that they are both so young still they will never remember me. So if I am going to, do it soon whilst I am not remembered.
I realise I probably sound a bit stupid saying this. I realise I am not looking at the bigger picture but sometimes what is right in front of my eyes is all that matters. I know what I would be saying to someone who was saying the same things as I am. But, even when I challenge myself on my thoughts, I ignore it.
I have this operation next week. I hope that I have some reaction to the anaesthetic and I can just disappear without it hurting, without any bravery from me. I think it's possibly the reason why I haven't managed to succeed yet is because I am not brave enough. I can't handle pain either. And what is there after death. Is there reincarnation, an afterlife, heaven, hell. What is there? I quite like the reincarnation idea. I like the Hindu Caste idea but then surly if I took my own life it would mean I have less in the next life?
Or is there nothing? I don't think that's the case. There are too many stories about ghosts that seem plausible. And, stupid as it sounds I think my Nan comes to me in my dreams. I dream about her quite a bit and often she is giving me a hug, or straight talking to me. 11 years on and I still miss her so much that when I think about her I start to cry. There's a song by Robbie Williams called Nan's Song which is a song about his Nan and I feel that way also. Obviously the first bit is his idea of a laugh but bear with it. I love Robbie. I realised the other day I have been a fan of his for more than half of my life. That's dedication. I know all the words to his songs, I own all the albums and I have a massive crush on him. I didn't like him in Take That the first time round. I was more of a Mark fan. Although looking at them now Mark is an ugly little scrote and the others are the ones that are nice. Even Gary Barlow isn't that bad! OK went a bit off topic there.
If there is such thing as ghosts and I have the option to come back as one. I am so doing it. There are so many people I would love to mess with. Not in a poltergeist way, but a "am I going mad, I am sure I didn't put that there" kind of way. It would be ace.
On topic of ghosts. When I worked in my first psychiatric unit there were some odd things going off. First off the unit was built on the grounds of an old nursing home. The nursing home was demolished and that built in it's place. Also, the road in which is was on is legendary in my city as there being the a ghost that appeared in people's mirrors as they were driving. When driving to and from work on that 2 minutes it took me to drive up that dark, windy road I never looked in my mirror as I was shit scared. So many people had said they had seen things.
Anyway. I was on high obs of a patient ( who was sleeping and we were line of sight) with a member of staff who didn't usually work on my ward. We were chatting and we found out she lived really near me and she didn't drive. So I offered her a lift home from work. I said to her I'll meet you in the staff canteen after. And she turns round and says really quite sharply "I'm not meeting you in there". OK, I was thinking, a bit rude. So I asked her to meet me in reception "no, I am not meeting you in there either, I'll meet you outside". She looked at me and could tell by my expression that I was kind of puzzled. She then turned round to me and said "I'm not being funny but this place is haunted and I can see them. It's some weird thing I have and they talk to me and here it freaks me out". Well by this I was thinking that she needed a bed.
I left it at that and gave her a lift home. A couple of days later I was talking about it with another member of staff and not naming her had said what she had said and then made a comment about needing to be more worried about the staff than patients. He then seriously said to me that he wasn't surprised as a couple members of staff had reported seeing things. Patients had also, but I think it wasn't taken seriously and was put down to hallucinations. We never discussed it in front of patients so there was no way they could have caught on.
So it kind of freaked me out working there. And night shifts when you walked to corridors on your own were the worst.
This girl I did actually become quite close to and we regularaly used to get drunk together after shifts and bitch about the shift and the place we worked in. She told me more and more about this thing that she had. At first I was kind of freaked out by it, especially when she said I had a resident ghost in my spare room. After a while I relaxed by it and named my ghost Edith. And when I was drunk I used to talk to her. Maybe I was taken in by it all. But. There are so many people that say they can see and hear things that surely there is something?
And what about 6th senses? Apparently in my family there are some people with a 6th sense. My Nan used to be able to mix all her records up then randomly select one with her eyes closed and name what it was. My thing is that I dream of places before I have been there. I am not in touch with it enough that I can dream and then say right ok, this is going to happen and this will be the scenario but I have often been in a new situation and known that I had been there before. Just small things like a pathway in a hotel grounds or something small and insignificant like that.
I'm going to stop now. Perhaps I am delusional? Lol. But one thing is I have bloody scared myself.
Good night world.
x
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Jealousy
I have these huge insane feelings of jealousy at the moment. It's awful. I feel bad for even talking about it but I need to articulate them for myself.
The first one is of someone I know who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has months to live. I am jealous of her. I want to be the one who dies. It's acceptable isn't it to die that way. People wont be angry with you. I don't want people feeling sorry for me just that it's an acceptable way to die. I know it's awful to say that. I know a lot of people who are close to her on the course would not be friendly towards me if they knew what I did while she was laying there dying. Even if she knew how I felt she would probably hate me for it. I wrote to her not long ago. I didn't say anything about me and just that I was thinking of her. She will have no idea just how much I am thinking of her.
Another one is my mum telling me about her friends niece dying as of an allergic reaction to general anaesthetic. I have this operation coming up soon and I hope that something like that goes wrong for me. You are not supposed to eat before generals but I am not going to listen to that in the hope that something does go wrong.
Another jealousy I have at the moment is seeing my friends getting married and having kids. Why are they so happy. It's not fair that I have to deal with this crap in my head all the time. I want babies. I want babies soon. Previous blogs have noted how broody I am. I don't want them to be unhappy but I am jealous of their happiness and what they have.
So what's all that about then. On one hand I am jealous of people dying and I don't get to. Yet on the other I am jealous of people's happiness and babies.
I think it shows that whole more than one person in me thing maybe.
Who knows?
The first one is of someone I know who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has months to live. I am jealous of her. I want to be the one who dies. It's acceptable isn't it to die that way. People wont be angry with you. I don't want people feeling sorry for me just that it's an acceptable way to die. I know it's awful to say that. I know a lot of people who are close to her on the course would not be friendly towards me if they knew what I did while she was laying there dying. Even if she knew how I felt she would probably hate me for it. I wrote to her not long ago. I didn't say anything about me and just that I was thinking of her. She will have no idea just how much I am thinking of her.
Another one is my mum telling me about her friends niece dying as of an allergic reaction to general anaesthetic. I have this operation coming up soon and I hope that something like that goes wrong for me. You are not supposed to eat before generals but I am not going to listen to that in the hope that something does go wrong.
Another jealousy I have at the moment is seeing my friends getting married and having kids. Why are they so happy. It's not fair that I have to deal with this crap in my head all the time. I want babies. I want babies soon. Previous blogs have noted how broody I am. I don't want them to be unhappy but I am jealous of their happiness and what they have.
So what's all that about then. On one hand I am jealous of people dying and I don't get to. Yet on the other I am jealous of people's happiness and babies.
I think it shows that whole more than one person in me thing maybe.
Who knows?
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
A Few Truths - it may trigger people.
I've been working on this post for the past few days. It has been really hard to write it. I've not written it for people to feel sorry for me. That's the last thing I want. I have written it to try and get my head around some of the things I have been thinking about quite a bit recently. I am not in any way condoning what I did. I am not making excuses. I am not even sure if these have anything to do with the way I am and I am just attributing things. These things are something that has really started to bother me over the past couple of weeks. They are not really things I thought about before when I have been in a cycle of suicidalness, depression and self harm. Maybe part of it is punishment. Who knows.
Not sure if I will post this yet. I have said for a while that I think there may be a few things from when I was younger that maybe possibly have an effect on the way I am now.
I have an idea what may attribute to why I am like I am. I don't know why now. But maybe why it does happen.
There were a few things that went off when I was about 12-13 and an incident when I was 15. I have not spoke about them before as I worry that it will change peoples perceptions of who I am. So hence why I have not told the counsellor or anyone. The thing that happened when I was 12-13 for me is the one that I worry will change peoples perceptions. It affected the whole family and meant my family had to move house of something I did.
Can I ask you people. Do you think at the age of 12-13 a person is fully developed and can they be forgiven for something they did. Does it depend what it was (don't worry it's not like murder or anything like that)? In my eyes. When I was that age I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help myself. Yet, now as an adult, if I were presented with the case I would say that person is a child. Their brain is not fully developed, they have not developed a full moral understanding and can not be held reliable for it. However, on the other hand, if it was a violent crime, a murder, a sexual assault (like in the case of the murders of James Bulger) I would say lock them up! My values are fluid and will change depending on the situation. In this country the age of criminal responsibilty is 10. In other parts of Europe it varies from 12-17. I would like to know peoples takes on it.
The summer I turned 13 I stole quite a bit of money. It was £20 at first. I saw it lying there and I took it. I gave £10 to my friend who was my next door neighbour...I'll call her Ali. Between us we kind of got addicted to it. Over time it amounted up. There was a bowl where the money was kept in the kitchen. Just thrown in there. Not that that makes it ok. We would go round and take between £50-100 a time and go into town and shop. We didn't buy clothes it was things that we could hide from our parents. Things like nail varnish, make-up, tapes etc. We were sneaky. We used to make up dances to show them to get them in to the same room out the kitchen and then one of us would go in and grab some while we could. This continued for a while. Over time Ali's Mum found out. At the time we thought she was being cool about it as she didn't say anything and let us get on with it. Looking back it is as though she condoned it. It makes me think now what kind of parent would do that and even encourage it? It all came to an end. We got found out. We had been in town with Ali's Mum and we were walking back from the bus stop and I saw that my Mum's car was in the drive. She should have been at work. Straight away I knew something wasn't right. I knew that she had come back from work so something was seriously wrong. As soon as I walked in the house I was confronted. I denied it and denied it. In the end I admitted to some...£20.
The shit hit the fan big time. I was banned from seeing Ali. Ali didn't seem to be in much trouble over it. I was grounded indefinitely...in the end it was about 3 months. My parents put the house on the market and 3 months after we had been found out we moved.
The worst thing in all of this. The people we stole the money from were my grand parents. So not only was I a thief. I did it from my own family. I don't know why I did it. Maybe I was pressurised by Ali. Maybe once her mum found it it made it seem ok.
My other grandparent at the time was struggling for money. I often used to sneak money in to her purse. I adored this grandparent. My grandad (her husband) died in an accident when I was only a baby. I never knew him. But this grand parent was like my mum. I saw her every day and I cared about her so much. I loved her so much. I used to spend xmas eve at hers and new years eve every year as I didn't want her to be on her own. I used to stay at her house at least once a week. I was probably closer to her than I was my own mum. One of the things that hurt the most was how she reacted to me once she knew about the money. She screamed at me and shouted at me. She asked me if I had stolen money from her. I would have never have done that and it hurt so much being asked if I did. She barley talked to me for weeks.
Around this time is the first time I had sex with someone. I was 13!!!! I didn't really want to. I was kind of pressurised in to it. More peer pressure really not from the lad who it was. We did it a few times and I always felt horrible after. The worst thing is is I can't even remember my first time. I know most peoples first times are awful, but at least they remember it. There was another lad when I was about 14 and he was 16. He did kind of pressurise me. But at the time I didn't really think much of it and I am not overly affected by it. I wasn't at the time. It's only now as I have got older that I think about it and it upsets me.
The other incident upset me at the time. It went away but recently it has come back and bothers me quite a bit. I was 15. My grandma ( the one who I was mega close to) had died 2 months previous and I was really upset about it. To try and take our minds off it my parents took me on holiday. While there I met a few people as you do and hung around, did the club games etc. The guy who ran the hotel club games took a shine to me. He was ok, nice in a way and was nice to have positive attention when I was feeling so crap about things anyway. One lunch time he asked me to go with him to his office so I could help him write in english on the certificates. He could speak English well but not write it. While we were in there he kissed me. Things went further. I didn't say no. I didn't know how to. So I let him continue. I can't say we ended up having sex as to me sex is a mutual thing. It's both peoples enjoyment. I didn't enjoy it and although I didn't verbally say no I didn't want to. It was horrible. This man. He was 30. I was 15. I remember going back to the hotel room and crying and crying and crying. I told my parents I wasn't well and stayed in the dark room for the rest of the day avoiding him. That night while watching the hotel entertainment with my family he was presenting and he started talking about how he was married and his wife was pregnant. I also found out he slept with a girl a year younger than me who I was friendly with on holiday. She told me I didn't find that out on stage!
For years and years. I have thought well I consented. I am dirty, disgusting etc. It's only now, recently that I think about it more and more. I can't say I was raped, as to me that is not rape. I didn't say no. I didn't fight back. But I look at my cousin now who is the same age as I was then. And I think if a 30year old slept with her there is something seriously wrong with him. Why would he want to? The more I think about it now the more I get shit feelings about it. I don't know what it was. I know he couldn't be expected to read my mind but still! Or am I making excuses for my past behaviour. Am I trying to attribute the way I am now to the things that happened then.
It makes me feel sick thinking about it. I have thought about it quite a bit in the past but never really had strong emotions about it which I do now. I want to go back to how it was.
I have told a couple of people about these things. Only one person knows them all but we are not close any more and she does not know of the mental health problems I suffer from. Also she knows about them as I suppose she was part of it. No one knows everything and how I feel and this is the first time I have ever talked about it all in one go. I have friends who know I slept with someone on that holiday. I have never told them how it made me feel. This is probably because the emotions of it are all coming to the surface now.
It was after the money thing that I slept with that guy. Maybe it had something to do with it. The psychologist/mental health worker in me if talking about another person would say...
I feel awful for actually having talked about it. I feel like I just want everything to be over with. I want to blank everything out. The only way I see that happening is death. I feel more suicidal than I have ever been. I do feel it's only a matter of time. I don't think I will talk about it with anyone else. It was so hard. I was talking in code about it as I couldn't say and then I asked Sam to tell me what she thought I was trying to say. She thought it had something to do with abuse. In the end after she had a general idea I told her about the event when I was 15 which led in to me telling her about the other ones. I explained to her why I thought I had not made anything of it for so long was because it was of the way I felt of myself. I wont be talking to anyone else about it. I can't. For now it will remain hidden. Sam has said she will come to the Clinical Psychologist with me. I may ask her to. I think I may also ask her to be the one who tells the CP as I can't. But this is on the assumption that it is something that is causing effects now. I am not so sure. I have only really thought about it all in the last couple of weeks yet I have been self harming and been depressed since I was 22.
The evenings are the worst now. In the day I am on placement and I am so busy I can distract myself. I am a different person. The person who gets out the car once she is there is not me. It's someone who doesn't have any problems, can hide them, is someone else. Why can't that person follow me home. It's like I am 2 people. I want to be 1. I want to be that career minded, motivated person. I don't want to be this person who as soon as is at home goes to her room, starts researching suicide methods, starts self harming. Why can't this person stay all the time?
Not sure if I will post this yet. I have said for a while that I think there may be a few things from when I was younger that maybe possibly have an effect on the way I am now.
I have an idea what may attribute to why I am like I am. I don't know why now. But maybe why it does happen.
There were a few things that went off when I was about 12-13 and an incident when I was 15. I have not spoke about them before as I worry that it will change peoples perceptions of who I am. So hence why I have not told the counsellor or anyone. The thing that happened when I was 12-13 for me is the one that I worry will change peoples perceptions. It affected the whole family and meant my family had to move house of something I did.
Can I ask you people. Do you think at the age of 12-13 a person is fully developed and can they be forgiven for something they did. Does it depend what it was (don't worry it's not like murder or anything like that)? In my eyes. When I was that age I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew it was wrong but I couldn't help myself. Yet, now as an adult, if I were presented with the case I would say that person is a child. Their brain is not fully developed, they have not developed a full moral understanding and can not be held reliable for it. However, on the other hand, if it was a violent crime, a murder, a sexual assault (like in the case of the murders of James Bulger) I would say lock them up! My values are fluid and will change depending on the situation. In this country the age of criminal responsibilty is 10. In other parts of Europe it varies from 12-17. I would like to know peoples takes on it.
The summer I turned 13 I stole quite a bit of money. It was £20 at first. I saw it lying there and I took it. I gave £10 to my friend who was my next door neighbour...I'll call her Ali. Between us we kind of got addicted to it. Over time it amounted up. There was a bowl where the money was kept in the kitchen. Just thrown in there. Not that that makes it ok. We would go round and take between £50-100 a time and go into town and shop. We didn't buy clothes it was things that we could hide from our parents. Things like nail varnish, make-up, tapes etc. We were sneaky. We used to make up dances to show them to get them in to the same room out the kitchen and then one of us would go in and grab some while we could. This continued for a while. Over time Ali's Mum found out. At the time we thought she was being cool about it as she didn't say anything and let us get on with it. Looking back it is as though she condoned it. It makes me think now what kind of parent would do that and even encourage it? It all came to an end. We got found out. We had been in town with Ali's Mum and we were walking back from the bus stop and I saw that my Mum's car was in the drive. She should have been at work. Straight away I knew something wasn't right. I knew that she had come back from work so something was seriously wrong. As soon as I walked in the house I was confronted. I denied it and denied it. In the end I admitted to some...£20.
The shit hit the fan big time. I was banned from seeing Ali. Ali didn't seem to be in much trouble over it. I was grounded indefinitely...in the end it was about 3 months. My parents put the house on the market and 3 months after we had been found out we moved.
The worst thing in all of this. The people we stole the money from were my grand parents. So not only was I a thief. I did it from my own family. I don't know why I did it. Maybe I was pressurised by Ali. Maybe once her mum found it it made it seem ok.
My other grandparent at the time was struggling for money. I often used to sneak money in to her purse. I adored this grandparent. My grandad (her husband) died in an accident when I was only a baby. I never knew him. But this grand parent was like my mum. I saw her every day and I cared about her so much. I loved her so much. I used to spend xmas eve at hers and new years eve every year as I didn't want her to be on her own. I used to stay at her house at least once a week. I was probably closer to her than I was my own mum. One of the things that hurt the most was how she reacted to me once she knew about the money. She screamed at me and shouted at me. She asked me if I had stolen money from her. I would have never have done that and it hurt so much being asked if I did. She barley talked to me for weeks.
Around this time is the first time I had sex with someone. I was 13!!!! I didn't really want to. I was kind of pressurised in to it. More peer pressure really not from the lad who it was. We did it a few times and I always felt horrible after. The worst thing is is I can't even remember my first time. I know most peoples first times are awful, but at least they remember it. There was another lad when I was about 14 and he was 16. He did kind of pressurise me. But at the time I didn't really think much of it and I am not overly affected by it. I wasn't at the time. It's only now as I have got older that I think about it and it upsets me.
The other incident upset me at the time. It went away but recently it has come back and bothers me quite a bit. I was 15. My grandma ( the one who I was mega close to) had died 2 months previous and I was really upset about it. To try and take our minds off it my parents took me on holiday. While there I met a few people as you do and hung around, did the club games etc. The guy who ran the hotel club games took a shine to me. He was ok, nice in a way and was nice to have positive attention when I was feeling so crap about things anyway. One lunch time he asked me to go with him to his office so I could help him write in english on the certificates. He could speak English well but not write it. While we were in there he kissed me. Things went further. I didn't say no. I didn't know how to. So I let him continue. I can't say we ended up having sex as to me sex is a mutual thing. It's both peoples enjoyment. I didn't enjoy it and although I didn't verbally say no I didn't want to. It was horrible. This man. He was 30. I was 15. I remember going back to the hotel room and crying and crying and crying. I told my parents I wasn't well and stayed in the dark room for the rest of the day avoiding him. That night while watching the hotel entertainment with my family he was presenting and he started talking about how he was married and his wife was pregnant. I also found out he slept with a girl a year younger than me who I was friendly with on holiday. She told me I didn't find that out on stage!
For years and years. I have thought well I consented. I am dirty, disgusting etc. It's only now, recently that I think about it more and more. I can't say I was raped, as to me that is not rape. I didn't say no. I didn't fight back. But I look at my cousin now who is the same age as I was then. And I think if a 30year old slept with her there is something seriously wrong with him. Why would he want to? The more I think about it now the more I get shit feelings about it. I don't know what it was. I know he couldn't be expected to read my mind but still! Or am I making excuses for my past behaviour. Am I trying to attribute the way I am now to the things that happened then.
It makes me feel sick thinking about it. I have thought about it quite a bit in the past but never really had strong emotions about it which I do now. I want to go back to how it was.
I have told a couple of people about these things. Only one person knows them all but we are not close any more and she does not know of the mental health problems I suffer from. Also she knows about them as I suppose she was part of it. No one knows everything and how I feel and this is the first time I have ever talked about it all in one go. I have friends who know I slept with someone on that holiday. I have never told them how it made me feel. This is probably because the emotions of it are all coming to the surface now.
It was after the money thing that I slept with that guy. Maybe it had something to do with it. The psychologist/mental health worker in me if talking about another person would say...
"this client had issues from a young age. She wanted to be a people pleaser and seeing that the money was making her friend happy and made them spend more time together was getting positive reinforcement from it. In wanting to be a people pleaser she went along with engaging in sexual activities when she didn't really want to. She admired her friend Ali and knowing Ali had also engaged in sexual activities she didn't want to be different and left behind. In her attempts to keep people happy and not upset people she engaged in further sexual behaviours when she was 14. When her grandmother died she was in a very vulnerable position and again the pleasing people attitude came out in her. She felt that in saying no the man would be upset with her and think differently of her. In her vulnerable state she relished the attention. Having body image problems and grieving she saw the attention as a compliment. Because of her past history of sexual engagement she didn't put any emphasis on the actual act of sex itself and just saw it as something that was done."
However about myself I think that I didn't really see the act of sex as an intimate thing. Being so young when I lost my virginity I felt that I was a slag. I told my self that I was dirty and was living in a self fulfilling prophecy. So I let it happen.
I don't know why these things have only just started to affect me. Maybe it's because I have seen so many different health professionals now that ask "tell me about your childhood". I have always said I have had a normal childhood. I can't blame Ali for anything as we were the same age. It's not as though she was an adult. It has affected me though.
The fact that I hate myself so much for what I did I try and make up for now. I never steal. I worry so much when peoples things have gone missing that they think it was me even though they don't know about the past. I do anything to get people to like me. I will drive miles out my way to do things for people. I will offer people things, I go beyond what is expected of me so that people like me. I am so worried that people if they knew about my past would have altered perceptions of me. I know I was young but it's no excuse really. I think it could possibly one of the reasons why I don't let my emotions show. I am the strong one. I don't cry, I keep it together. I don't do crying in front of other people. But I can't say that is a reason why. I remember being really young and being embarrassed about crying in public. I would have only been about 6. But who sees a 6 year old crying and think they are pathetic. But that is how I was. I always kept check on my emotions. But even when my gran died I tried not to cry. I don't like people seeing me cry. It's not because of how I look, I don't want people to know I am upset about something. I avoid confrontation if it means I may upset other people. I don't like the idea of upsetting people. Who does unless they are some sadistic person. But what I mean is if I have inadvertently upset someone I feel terrible.
I talked to Sam about the sexual stuff today. It was so hard to get out. I couldn't bring myself to talk about the money thing. But I did talk about the sex stuff. She said I need to think about it in context. She said I needed to remember that I didn't want to, I never felt comfortable doing it. She was talking about being groomed. Was I? If I had have been 16 which would only have been 4 months later would the situation have been different.
I said I didn't want to be a victim. I also said that it added more weight to the diagnosis they are trying to pin on me of PD. I have never told anyone before about it. Well I had but I didn't explain in detail. I didn't say I didn't want to. She said I could report it and she would help me. I said there was no point as was so long ago, I never actually said no and it was in a different country. There would be no way, no way at all of conviction. And I would be torn to pieces in court, ripped a part. That's even if it got that far which I doubt it would as of lack of evidence. And also the way I feel about it. I think if I was in the position of law enforcement even now one persons word against anothers with no evidence if I was on CPS I would not take it further. So I am not going to put myself through that. And, it would make me a victim. I haven't been for the last 11 years. I am not going to be one now.
I feel awful for actually having talked about it. I feel like I just want everything to be over with. I want to blank everything out. The only way I see that happening is death. I feel more suicidal than I have ever been. I do feel it's only a matter of time. I don't think I will talk about it with anyone else. It was so hard. I was talking in code about it as I couldn't say and then I asked Sam to tell me what she thought I was trying to say. She thought it had something to do with abuse. In the end after she had a general idea I told her about the event when I was 15 which led in to me telling her about the other ones. I explained to her why I thought I had not made anything of it for so long was because it was of the way I felt of myself. I wont be talking to anyone else about it. I can't. For now it will remain hidden. Sam has said she will come to the Clinical Psychologist with me. I may ask her to. I think I may also ask her to be the one who tells the CP as I can't. But this is on the assumption that it is something that is causing effects now. I am not so sure. I have only really thought about it all in the last couple of weeks yet I have been self harming and been depressed since I was 22.
The evenings are the worst now. In the day I am on placement and I am so busy I can distract myself. I am a different person. The person who gets out the car once she is there is not me. It's someone who doesn't have any problems, can hide them, is someone else. Why can't that person follow me home. It's like I am 2 people. I want to be 1. I want to be that career minded, motivated person. I don't want to be this person who as soon as is at home goes to her room, starts researching suicide methods, starts self harming. Why can't this person stay all the time?
Monday, 15 November 2010
Random Blabberings of a Crazy Fool!
Don't know why I feel like blogging but I do. I came home early from uni as can't face it today. I am so tired. Can't concentrate on it. Not missed anything important anyway. So this afternoon I plan on napping and then doing some work this afternoon.
So. I was thinking. Maybe I do have a bad relationship with alcohol. The nurse at the hospital I'll call him Mike keeps saying it to me and possibly I am avoiding it. I was thinking about it and the thing is I don't want to give up drinking. I enjoy drinking. What does that mean? I use it in a bad way at times though and that is what needs to be addressed. I never crave drink, yet it has got me in to trouble on occasions. Like ending up in hospital as of it; sometimes drinking so much that I am unconscious. That is not normal. I know that. So, as much as pains me to do it I have gone and approached an organisation (not alcoholics anonymous) that makes an assessment of you and your drinking habits and if they find it to be a problem will go through things with you. Last time I went to them I was drinking a lot more and could see that it was a problem. I think this time it is because I am not drinking as much I don't see it to be a problem. But it obviously is! Last time I went there they said I was dependant on alcohol and was close to becoming an alcoholic with the amounts I was drinking. Drinking gives me confidence which I don't usually have. I think that's why I am quite reluctant to go. I mean I am quite outspoken anyway, but only if I am not standing up in front of other people and doing it. In clubs I wont dance etc unless I have been drinking. Also I hate being around drunk people if I have not had a drink myself. The problems I have here is that most of my social life revolves around going out with friends to pubs and clubs so the drinking is inevitable.
I suppose what I need to do really is find other ways to get self confidence. I think the first one would be to lose some weight. The thing is when I am depressed as I am now it is a viscous circle and I eat crap for comfort. Then because I have no confidence I also drink. Grrrr....not really a way out that I can see there.
I don't want to carry on feeling like this. I hate feeling as though I am constantly carrying around a head full of issues and problems. It's even got to the stage now where I don't want to live like this and have considered suicide. Although, what stops me here is I know that this is a permanent solution to a possible temporary problem. Well it may not feel like it but there must be something that I can do, something I can do with the right support. In other words it's fixable. It's not something that has to stay with me for the rest of my life. Another thing is I feel like such a hypocrite if I do go and kill my self (OK I know that doesn't quite sound right but bare with me here). What I mean is, for the past 2 years of working in mental health I have worked with suicidal people and talked to them about it and offered them support. Talking them round, saying to them that although doesn't seem like it at the moment things can and will get better but it will take some hard work etc etc. So if I go and do something stupid like that it's basically telling them (although they would never know) don't listen to me as what I say is a load of crap! Yet, why do I keep having the feelings of being suicidal, thinking of ways in which I could do so to make it look like an accident? The mind is a strange and scary place isn't it?
So, basically my family now knows I am suffering with depression and also have self harmed. They don't know the extent of the SH just that it has happened a couple of times (I think it's on a weekly basis pretty much at the moment but they don't know that) and that I am struggling. They are worried that Friday night was a suicide attempt as if no one would have found me I would have died. But not just that they think that because I cut deep enough to require stitches that in itself is an attempt at suicide. I didn't want to tell them that cutting your self is not the way to do it and wouldn't be my method of choice but thought that would worry them more. So I just laughed at them, said it wasn't and left it at that.
Anyway, on to a lighter note. X-Factor!!!!!
Who are these people. They are useless. I only really like Matt Cardle, he's cute and he can sing and he has something about him that airs a vulnerability. Wagner, well he is just this years Jedward. You either love him or you hate him. He can't sing for shit but I suppose it's slapstick entertainment. You (I say you but I don't know if anyone actually reads this or if they do it will have got this far) may hate me for saying this but I really don't like Rebbecca F. I don't like her voice and all the songs she sings sound the same as her voice is so unique. Would you really want to listen to a whole album of it? I have also seen on Facebook that there is a group along the lines of "getting rid of chlamidhya is easier than getting rid of Katie Waissel". Now with her, I don't actually know why I don't like her but there is something about her I just don't like. I don't know how many times she has been in the bottom 2 now but doesn't this indicate to the judges that the public don't like her and she would not do well as an artist as she just isn't getting the votes. Why keep her in. And I must admit although I am 26 I kind of had a small crush on Aiden. He was gorgeous!
I am not one of these who votes and this is only the 3rd season I have watched X-Factor. And usually I have to point out I don't watch reality TV as can't usually stand it, but I suppose like Robbie Williams being my music guilty pleasure this is my TV one.
Speaking of Robbie Williams...how good is Take That now he is back in it. I loved them when I was about 9 but actually Mark was my favourite and wasn't that keen on Robbie. I was quite sad when they split but not suicidal like some were. I started to like Robbie when I was about 13 and sort of fell in love with him. Between 13-16 my bedroom was a shrine to him and I have all his albums. I was watching X-Factor last night with them on and they all work together so well and really seem to enjoy what they do on stage. It was brilliant watching them perform all together again. I wish now that I had tickets for the tour. It's weird how as you get older your tastes change. As I said Mark used to be my favourite when I was young. But watching them last night I realised he wasn't that nice. Howard and Jason were scrummy and of course Robbie, you are still my favourite!
I have brought my first CD album in ages (usually I just download from Limewire - I know illegal but music is so expensive but I have now stopped as don't know where I can get it from as Limewire under court order now), this being Take That's new album Progress. Can't wait to get it through the post! YAY!!!!
So. I was thinking. Maybe I do have a bad relationship with alcohol. The nurse at the hospital I'll call him Mike keeps saying it to me and possibly I am avoiding it. I was thinking about it and the thing is I don't want to give up drinking. I enjoy drinking. What does that mean? I use it in a bad way at times though and that is what needs to be addressed. I never crave drink, yet it has got me in to trouble on occasions. Like ending up in hospital as of it; sometimes drinking so much that I am unconscious. That is not normal. I know that. So, as much as pains me to do it I have gone and approached an organisation (not alcoholics anonymous) that makes an assessment of you and your drinking habits and if they find it to be a problem will go through things with you. Last time I went to them I was drinking a lot more and could see that it was a problem. I think this time it is because I am not drinking as much I don't see it to be a problem. But it obviously is! Last time I went there they said I was dependant on alcohol and was close to becoming an alcoholic with the amounts I was drinking. Drinking gives me confidence which I don't usually have. I think that's why I am quite reluctant to go. I mean I am quite outspoken anyway, but only if I am not standing up in front of other people and doing it. In clubs I wont dance etc unless I have been drinking. Also I hate being around drunk people if I have not had a drink myself. The problems I have here is that most of my social life revolves around going out with friends to pubs and clubs so the drinking is inevitable.
I suppose what I need to do really is find other ways to get self confidence. I think the first one would be to lose some weight. The thing is when I am depressed as I am now it is a viscous circle and I eat crap for comfort. Then because I have no confidence I also drink. Grrrr....not really a way out that I can see there.
I don't want to carry on feeling like this. I hate feeling as though I am constantly carrying around a head full of issues and problems. It's even got to the stage now where I don't want to live like this and have considered suicide. Although, what stops me here is I know that this is a permanent solution to a possible temporary problem. Well it may not feel like it but there must be something that I can do, something I can do with the right support. In other words it's fixable. It's not something that has to stay with me for the rest of my life. Another thing is I feel like such a hypocrite if I do go and kill my self (OK I know that doesn't quite sound right but bare with me here). What I mean is, for the past 2 years of working in mental health I have worked with suicidal people and talked to them about it and offered them support. Talking them round, saying to them that although doesn't seem like it at the moment things can and will get better but it will take some hard work etc etc. So if I go and do something stupid like that it's basically telling them (although they would never know) don't listen to me as what I say is a load of crap! Yet, why do I keep having the feelings of being suicidal, thinking of ways in which I could do so to make it look like an accident? The mind is a strange and scary place isn't it?
So, basically my family now knows I am suffering with depression and also have self harmed. They don't know the extent of the SH just that it has happened a couple of times (I think it's on a weekly basis pretty much at the moment but they don't know that) and that I am struggling. They are worried that Friday night was a suicide attempt as if no one would have found me I would have died. But not just that they think that because I cut deep enough to require stitches that in itself is an attempt at suicide. I didn't want to tell them that cutting your self is not the way to do it and wouldn't be my method of choice but thought that would worry them more. So I just laughed at them, said it wasn't and left it at that.
Anyway, on to a lighter note. X-Factor!!!!!
Who are these people. They are useless. I only really like Matt Cardle, he's cute and he can sing and he has something about him that airs a vulnerability. Wagner, well he is just this years Jedward. You either love him or you hate him. He can't sing for shit but I suppose it's slapstick entertainment. You (I say you but I don't know if anyone actually reads this or if they do it will have got this far) may hate me for saying this but I really don't like Rebbecca F. I don't like her voice and all the songs she sings sound the same as her voice is so unique. Would you really want to listen to a whole album of it? I have also seen on Facebook that there is a group along the lines of "getting rid of chlamidhya is easier than getting rid of Katie Waissel". Now with her, I don't actually know why I don't like her but there is something about her I just don't like. I don't know how many times she has been in the bottom 2 now but doesn't this indicate to the judges that the public don't like her and she would not do well as an artist as she just isn't getting the votes. Why keep her in. And I must admit although I am 26 I kind of had a small crush on Aiden. He was gorgeous!
I am not one of these who votes and this is only the 3rd season I have watched X-Factor. And usually I have to point out I don't watch reality TV as can't usually stand it, but I suppose like Robbie Williams being my music guilty pleasure this is my TV one.
Speaking of Robbie Williams...how good is Take That now he is back in it. I loved them when I was about 9 but actually Mark was my favourite and wasn't that keen on Robbie. I was quite sad when they split but not suicidal like some were. I started to like Robbie when I was about 13 and sort of fell in love with him. Between 13-16 my bedroom was a shrine to him and I have all his albums. I was watching X-Factor last night with them on and they all work together so well and really seem to enjoy what they do on stage. It was brilliant watching them perform all together again. I wish now that I had tickets for the tour. It's weird how as you get older your tastes change. As I said Mark used to be my favourite when I was young. But watching them last night I realised he wasn't that nice. Howard and Jason were scrummy and of course Robbie, you are still my favourite!
I have brought my first CD album in ages (usually I just download from Limewire - I know illegal but music is so expensive but I have now stopped as don't know where I can get it from as Limewire under court order now), this being Take That's new album Progress. Can't wait to get it through the post! YAY!!!!
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