Tuesday, 12 October 2010

It Needs To Stop!

So Sunday I self harmed again. Another hospital trip. They said I was being uncooperative and didn't understand why I locked myself in the toilet when I had said there was no way I could sit in crowded waiting room. So, that got me seen by crisis team. They were told that I had tried to hang myself in the toilet. No! I didn't. I didn't ligate or anything, that's not my style. They put me in a cubicle and I fell asleep as I had taken a lorazepam earlier and that set them off saying I had taken an OD. I hadn't. I took the loraz to try and help me, to knock me out before I could do anything and it only kicked in about 2 hours later when I was at the hospital.

So they were wanting to do bloods and stuff and I refused saying I wanted to get home and in to bed as the loraz was zombifying me and I knew that if I was subjected to bloods I would be in ages. I laughed when the crisis team showed up. I said do I look like someone who has tried to hang themselves. Do I have broken capillaries etc, and if I was suicidal do you think I would be doing it in the toilet in the A+E dept. I said to them that I don't know where they got the info that I had tried to do that as was not the case, I didn't need to see them and I was going to be making an appointment with the Psychiatrist as had had a letter through asking me to call and make appointment. I said I was sorry that they had been made to waste their time, and that the A+E dept staff were saying that so that I would be seen quicker by them as they wanted the bed.

Anyway, apart from being angry, low and wanting to self harm constantly, I have rung for an appointment with the Psychiatrist. Can't get one until the end of November. I have also spoke to the nurse who has been helping me quite a bit and he said he has spoke to these people at harmless and I should be able to get something sorted with them quite soon as they have appointments and he said that that will probably help me a lot more than seeing the Psychiatrist. He said he didn't think I was depressed. I don't know what consistent low mood for no reason is then. I also spoke to him about this appointment...not knowing how far away it would be at the time and basically said to him that I was worried as all the Psychiatrist would see is the previous diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and write me off from the start. I have argued and argued before that it is not that. I was telling him my reasoning about how I knew how it needed to be diagnosed and that you need to fit in certain amounts of criteria on the diagnostic scale and I said that I didn't fit as many as needed to be there. Ok, there were a couple but not all of them. I was saying that there were a few on each personality disorder thing that I recognised and I know for a fact I am not them. Most people will have traits that fit in on personality disorder scales. I was saying how I was annoyed that Psychiatrists just have to tick boxes and is all about diagnosis and pathologising you in categories. And he said he agreed with me and was all about choices that I make and I need to regain some control over why and when happens. I said I knew all this already and I needed help in doing so. He said that the psychiatrist wouldn't do that but this organisation would be able to help. So just hope can get seen by them soon.

I just hope it is soon as the self harming behaviour is getting out of hand now. I know I need the help and I am doing what I can to get it. I don't want it to get to the stage of where I am suicidal again as I can't cope with it anymore. It's so annoying!

I know if people do read these you will think that I am doing it for attention. But can I point out that this is not the case. I don't write about it on here so I can get attention from people. I don't even know if other people read this. But I use it as my sounding board to get things off my chest. I use it to pour my emotions out and remain anonymous. No one knows the extent of the self harm. Ok, so the hospital does and the nurse I speak to does. But no one in my family has any idea. My brother knows it is something I used to do. But that is it. No one even knows I am depressed or what ever it is as according to nurse man he doesn't think I am. I am managing to function at the moment and put a brave face on. I don't talk about my feelings with anyone. I did mention to one friend after the first time of cutting badly in ages that I had done so and that I was feeling depressed again and I was worried as I knew what happened before to me and I was recognising the start of the pattern. She doesn't know the full extent of what was happening 2 years ago. I don't talk to family and friends about it as they have their own problems going on and I am not going to wear them down with mine also. It is not fair on them. I am really worried though as I live with my parents and think that they may notice that things aren't right with me. I can't put a brave face on all the time. So what do I do, I hide out in my room. And that must be being noticed. Very few people know about the self harm in the past. I have a couple of friends who know it is something I used to do, but they don't know the extent. But that is it. Another reason for me keeping it so private is that there is still a big stigma attached to self harm and mental illness.

Although I don't class myself as mentally ill, there is still stigma that comes attached to it. Also, I am afraid if people do know then it will get out of hand. At the moment I feel as though I have some control over it. I can limit it to when no one is around or take myself off somewhere. But if people became aware it was something I did I think I would lose that being shy about it and lose control and not be bothered that there are other people in the house when I am doing it. It would become a more regular occurrence. I mean say for instance I was hospitalised...as I was told it was a direction I was heading in if things continue the way they are, then what have I got to stop me. My fear of people finding out would no longer be there as people would know. On that subject....the nurse said to me it could happen. My understanding of what he was saying was if I lost control over it more so and got back to where I was then could happen that I would be put on a Psych ward for assessment. Not sure if he was saying this to scare me or was a possibility. I have done quite a bit of work on the Psych wards in the hospitals around here and so know the staff and also a lot of patients. So there was this factor and the fact it would screw me up career wise. At the moment I am not suicidal and so this is bothering me immensely, but what if I lose that will to live, that will to have a career and become suicidal again. What happens then?

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