Not a long post, but I just want to write about something that quite annoyed me today. But, me being me, and me being ashamed of the way I am didn't challenge what someone else had to say.
I was in the hairdressers earlier and I was talking about the neighbour that I had a lot of problems with and who, the police had been out to numerous times etc etc etc. I had said how I had had paramedics at my door late at night thinking that they could gain access to his from mine. She said a long the lines of that they had regularly had them coming in to the hair dressers and also the police as they thought they could gain access from there also. So, then she started going on about how it was because he would call up saying he had tried to kill himself by taking ODs etc etc etc. How he was a crazy person who just wasn't right in the head and she felt that if he was going to kill himself, why didn't he just go off somewhere and do it properly, not bring everyone else in to it and he was being selfish, he was attention seeking and that that was his problem and there was nothing wrong with him other than he was just attention seeking.
It did make me a little angry. Obviously, I have had a lot of issues with this guy and wanted him out the flat below me as of the problems he had caused me. Mental health problems or not, when he starts trashing his place at 2am in the morning and threatens to kill my other neighbours, threatens me, causes criminal damage to near by property, it's not someone you really want to be sharing a building with is it? Not when you are prone to anxiety yourself and when sleep is a big indicator of when things can start to spiral for you. But, the way she was talking about him made me angry. I don't have any time for this guy, but at the same time, I don't want to see him having the wrong opinion formed about him because he has mental health issues. This guy, obviously has alcohol problems. But why? Why does he drink so much? Is it to forget, to numb? What has gone on in his life which lead him to drink too much? We don't know do we?
There are always going to be these people that make these assumptions about others. People who make assumptions that because someone self harms, makes an attempt at their life that they are just doing it for attention. People are so ill informed about mental health and that bothers me. But, what also bothers me is that I won't use my own experiences publicly to challenge this.
I am not really sure how much of that makes sense. I don't know if I have got across what I have meant to get across there. I have had a bit to drink tonight, I'm not drunk, but, I have had a drink, so I may possibly come back to this.
I also need to write about my session with G on Thursday.
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Saturday, 23 March 2013
Guns.
Here's some debate that got me thinking tonight. I'll just copy and paste what has been said, tidy it up a bit and add a bit more at the bottom.
I have been debating with someone from the US this evening about discrimination. This is her post:
“According to MSNBC, 88% of Americans believe in mental health background checks before gun purchases. That's right, 88% of Americans believe that people with a mental illness are not equal to everyone else and don't have a right to protect themselves. Right now MSNBC is discussing rapists, murderers and the mentally ill. Please tell me that isn't an accurate statistic and Americans don't really think of mental illness this way”?
So I have basically replied these:
Me - “I can see their point in a way. One of the things some people have problems with if they have a MH problem is impulsivity. You have also got to consider if they are depressed, have voices telling them to harm people etc. So yeah, I can see that. But then. I am British and I don't like guns and don't think that people should be able to carry them around. Yes, you have a right to protect your self but if no one was allowed a gun you wouldn't need a gun to do so.”
Her – “I disagree, that is like saying making drugs illegal would take them off the street. What would actually happen is only criminals would have guns and law abiding citizens would not.”
Me – “You don't get the same problems here in the UK with guns as you do in the states. Think that says a lot. Also, look at Oscar Pistorius and what happened there.”
Her – “The purpose the of the second amendment is to give people the power to overthrow the government if it becomes tyrannical.”
Someone else – “I'm a 25 year old women who lives on a back road in Kentucky with no neighbours and a three year old. And my husband works night six days a week! So yes I believe people should be able own and carry a weapon! If someone decided to break into my home an adult male would have no trouble harming a small women as myself even if he didn't have a gun. And could be gone before the police could get there to help.”
Me – “We manage ok here without guns. Copied from WiKi, Levels of gun violence vary greatly across the world, with very high rates in Brazil, Venezuela, Mexico, South Africa, Colombia, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Jamaica, as well as high levels in Russia, The Philippines, Thailand, and some other underdeveloped countries, Levels of gun violence are low in Singapore, Japan, New Zealand, the United Kingdom and many other countries.[8] The United States has the highest rate of gun related injuries among developed countries, though it also has the highest rate of gun ownership and the highest rate of officers.[ Some research shows an association between household firearm ownership and gun suicide rates.[10][11] For example, it was found that individuals in a firearm owning home are close to five times more likely to commit suicide than those individuals who do not own firearms. In the United States, where suicides outnumber homicides 2:1,[16] firearms remain the most common method of suicide, accounting for 52.1% of all suicides committed during 2005.
Uk - 6.6% of Homicides gun related. USA - 67.5%. UK homicide rate per 100,000 = 1.06. USA=4.7
Just think when there are stats like that, precautions have to be taken. Not just anyone should be able to be handed a gun. They should be taking mental health in to consideration when considering if a licence is given or not. I wouldn't like to think that someone like me who has had numerous failed suicide attempts behind me could apply for a gun licence and be given it. Of course run a criminal record check but that's not going to show any thing on me. Some people shouldn't be able to have a gun and it's as simple as that. So yes, it is discrimination, but I personally feel that it is discrimination that should be allowed.
So that's it.
Personally I don't like guns. They make me feel really uncomfortable. Even just walking past armed police at places like airports freaks me out. When I was in India I refused to sit with a group a police men until they put their guns under the chairs where I couldn't see them (I had just been caught smoking on a train by the doors and was terrified). I don't see what good can come of owning a gun. These American's are saying they have a right to protect themselves. But do you really need a gun to do that. Do they actually know how to use it, to shoot not to kill but to disarm/disable until professional help arrives. Another scenario, someone breaks in to your house. They don't realise you are in, you stumble on them and shoot them. This person, yes, they deserve to go to prison and be punished but isn't it likely if you shoot them they will die. People are more likely to fatally injure someone if they shoot them. So this person who could maybe be rehabilitated is dead. A much more severe punishment than if you actually murdered someone! A life taken.
We don't have guns readily available in the UK. If someone has one, well they shouldn't. Only the police and military should have them (I think anyway). My friends brother is a police officer in Northern Ireland and I was surprised that they are all armed and they always have to carry it with them unless they are consuming alcohol. It really surprised me. I wouldn't like the responsibility of owning or carrying a gun. I could never bring myself to fire it at someone. Not in a calm way anyway. If I lost my temper than I lose it and see red. So, who knows what I would be like in a stressful situation. But then, I don't really have to think about that, and that is kind of coming off subject a little.
I have also worked in mental health and have spoke to and read about many patients with different illnesses that can manifest in different ways. Some can hear voices telling them to do harm to other people. Then also, if you look at someone like me. I have numerous failed suicide attempts behind me and I have also been known to make some of these on impulse and also other risky behaviours on impulse. I know I am not alone here. I would hate to think that I, and anyone else like me could go and get a gun without checks on my/our mental health being made.
I feel I am lucky to live in a country where guns are not the norm and where they are so readily available. I do feel that only certain people should have access to them. We are advised that if we are threatened by an intruder not to fight but to remain calm and give them what they want. After all what is more important than your life.
What we do have a problem with here in the UK is knife crime. Mainly gangs (I think, don't quote me on that). Again young people are told if they carry a knife they themselves are more likely to be injured by a knife also. Surly this applies to guns?
So what do you think?
I have been debating with someone from the US this evening about discrimination. This is her post:
“According to MSNBC, 88% of Americans believe in mental health background checks before gun purchases. That's right, 88% of Americans believe that people with a mental illness are not equal to everyone else and don't have a right to protect themselves. Right now MSNBC is discussing rapists, murderers and the mentally ill. Please tell me that isn't an accurate statistic and Americans don't really think of mental illness this way”?
So I have basically replied these:
Me - “I can see their point in a way. One of the things some people have problems with if they have a MH problem is impulsivity. You have also got to consider if they are depressed, have voices telling them to harm people etc. So yeah, I can see that. But then. I am British and I don't like guns and don't think that people should be able to carry them around. Yes, you have a right to protect your self but if no one was allowed a gun you wouldn't need a gun to do so.”
Her – “I disagree, that is like saying making drugs illegal would take them off the street. What would actually happen is only criminals would have guns and law abiding citizens would not.”
Me – “You don't get the same problems here in the UK with guns as you do in the states. Think that says a lot. Also, look at Oscar Pistorius and what happened there.”
Her – “The purpose the of the second amendment is to give people the power to overthrow the government if it becomes tyrannical.”
Someone else – “I'm a 25 year old women who lives on a back road in Kentucky with no neighbours and a three year old. And my husband works night six days a week! So yes I believe people should be able own and carry a weapon! If someone decided to break into my home an adult male would have no trouble harming a small women as myself even if he didn't have a gun. And could be gone before the police could get there to help.”
Me – “We manage ok here without guns. Copied from WiKi, Levels of gun violence vary greatly across the world, with very high rates in Brazil, Venezuela, Mexico, South Africa, Colombia, El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, and Jamaica, as well as high levels in Russia, The Philippines, Thailand, and some other underdeveloped countries, Levels of gun violence are low in Singapore, Japan, New Zealand, the United Kingdom and many other countries.[8] The United States has the highest rate of gun related injuries among developed countries, though it also has the highest rate of gun ownership and the highest rate of officers.[ Some research shows an association between household firearm ownership and gun suicide rates.[10][11] For example, it was found that individuals in a firearm owning home are close to five times more likely to commit suicide than those individuals who do not own firearms. In the United States, where suicides outnumber homicides 2:1,[16] firearms remain the most common method of suicide, accounting for 52.1% of all suicides committed during 2005.
Uk - 6.6% of Homicides gun related. USA - 67.5%. UK homicide rate per 100,000 = 1.06. USA=4.7
Just think when there are stats like that, precautions have to be taken. Not just anyone should be able to be handed a gun. They should be taking mental health in to consideration when considering if a licence is given or not. I wouldn't like to think that someone like me who has had numerous failed suicide attempts behind me could apply for a gun licence and be given it. Of course run a criminal record check but that's not going to show any thing on me. Some people shouldn't be able to have a gun and it's as simple as that. So yes, it is discrimination, but I personally feel that it is discrimination that should be allowed.
So that's it.
Personally I don't like guns. They make me feel really uncomfortable. Even just walking past armed police at places like airports freaks me out. When I was in India I refused to sit with a group a police men until they put their guns under the chairs where I couldn't see them (I had just been caught smoking on a train by the doors and was terrified). I don't see what good can come of owning a gun. These American's are saying they have a right to protect themselves. But do you really need a gun to do that. Do they actually know how to use it, to shoot not to kill but to disarm/disable until professional help arrives. Another scenario, someone breaks in to your house. They don't realise you are in, you stumble on them and shoot them. This person, yes, they deserve to go to prison and be punished but isn't it likely if you shoot them they will die. People are more likely to fatally injure someone if they shoot them. So this person who could maybe be rehabilitated is dead. A much more severe punishment than if you actually murdered someone! A life taken.
We don't have guns readily available in the UK. If someone has one, well they shouldn't. Only the police and military should have them (I think anyway). My friends brother is a police officer in Northern Ireland and I was surprised that they are all armed and they always have to carry it with them unless they are consuming alcohol. It really surprised me. I wouldn't like the responsibility of owning or carrying a gun. I could never bring myself to fire it at someone. Not in a calm way anyway. If I lost my temper than I lose it and see red. So, who knows what I would be like in a stressful situation. But then, I don't really have to think about that, and that is kind of coming off subject a little.
I have also worked in mental health and have spoke to and read about many patients with different illnesses that can manifest in different ways. Some can hear voices telling them to do harm to other people. Then also, if you look at someone like me. I have numerous failed suicide attempts behind me and I have also been known to make some of these on impulse and also other risky behaviours on impulse. I know I am not alone here. I would hate to think that I, and anyone else like me could go and get a gun without checks on my/our mental health being made.
I feel I am lucky to live in a country where guns are not the norm and where they are so readily available. I do feel that only certain people should have access to them. We are advised that if we are threatened by an intruder not to fight but to remain calm and give them what they want. After all what is more important than your life.
What we do have a problem with here in the UK is knife crime. Mainly gangs (I think, don't quote me on that). Again young people are told if they carry a knife they themselves are more likely to be injured by a knife also. Surly this applies to guns?
So what do you think?
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Medication
I stopped taking my meds last night. I didn't sleep a wink. But I think that's just withdrawal. Tonight it's a sleeping tablet and see how I get on. Only an over the counter one as I am saving the zopiclone for the future plans. Going to see if I can get some more of them when I next see CPN. I'm going to see how I get on without them as I am convinced that they don't do anything for me. How can they be when the cocktail I am on still allows me to feel like this?
I have had major anxiety and strong urges today. The urges are nothing new but I am getting really anxious and close to having full on panic attacks about this flat I am supposed to be renting out from the middle/end of February all depending on references etc.
I have worked out I need to spend at least £315 before moving in just to get the basics. That is a bed, a hanging rail, a sofa, bookcase and all the kitchen stuff I need. My TSW said I can apply for a community care grant but looking at the criteria I don't think I will fit it. Not to be put as high priority anyway. I don't know if she will put on the application that it's detrimental to my mental health that I move, but even then I don't think that will make any difference. So it looks like I am going to be completely brassic for a couple of months and not be able to leave the house/flat.
Then after that I will still need to buy a wardrobe, coffee table. lamps, bedside tables and other homely items.
Then on the other hand I don't know why I am getting in to a state as I know that I probably won't be there that long when I carry out my plans anyway.
Well, it's day one of no medication and I don't feel any different. Not that I expected to as I know it takes a while for it to get out your system. I also don't expect to sleep for the next few nights as I have come off Quetiapine. When they reduced it when I was in hospital I had insomnia for about a week of no sleep at all. But maybe these over the counters will make me drowsy and at least the night will pass quicker if I am more relaxed. I go a bit high when I have not been sleeping. Is that normal?
I have had major anxiety and strong urges today. The urges are nothing new but I am getting really anxious and close to having full on panic attacks about this flat I am supposed to be renting out from the middle/end of February all depending on references etc.
I have worked out I need to spend at least £315 before moving in just to get the basics. That is a bed, a hanging rail, a sofa, bookcase and all the kitchen stuff I need. My TSW said I can apply for a community care grant but looking at the criteria I don't think I will fit it. Not to be put as high priority anyway. I don't know if she will put on the application that it's detrimental to my mental health that I move, but even then I don't think that will make any difference. So it looks like I am going to be completely brassic for a couple of months and not be able to leave the house/flat.
Then after that I will still need to buy a wardrobe, coffee table. lamps, bedside tables and other homely items.
Then on the other hand I don't know why I am getting in to a state as I know that I probably won't be there that long when I carry out my plans anyway.
Well, it's day one of no medication and I don't feel any different. Not that I expected to as I know it takes a while for it to get out your system. I also don't expect to sleep for the next few nights as I have come off Quetiapine. When they reduced it when I was in hospital I had insomnia for about a week of no sleep at all. But maybe these over the counters will make me drowsy and at least the night will pass quicker if I am more relaxed. I go a bit high when I have not been sleeping. Is that normal?
Monday, 28 January 2013
Still No Phone Call
Well, I still haven't had a phone call from my CPN or Dr. They could have called Friday or today and they haven't. I am quite relieved by this as I don't really want to have to go see anyone about what I have been experiencing as I don't want to end up back in hospital.
But, at the same time I think it highlights that the team aren't doing a great job. The psychologist said he was going to contact the Dr about the experiences I had been having on Friday. Maybe he hasn't been in and that is why I have not been contacted. But the psychologist seems to think I need medicating. I said that I was already on Quetiapine which is an anti-psychotic so I didn't think they would change anything and he said he still wanted to speak with the Dr anyway.
I am not bothered that they have not contacted me anyway. I am going to stop taking my meds as I don't think they actually do anything for me. I am on a mood stabiliser which although has stopped the highs (which I liked) I still get the depressions. I am on an anti-depressant, yet look at me now. And again I am on an anti-psychotic, it's not like that is doing any good for me is it. I hate taking all the meds I am on. It's like they rule my life and I can't be doing with it. Not going to say anything to anyone as again I don't want them hauling me in to hospital. But I don't think it will make much difference anyway. It might stop me sleeping 14 hours a night, feeling like a zombie the next day and eating half the daily intake of the food in China each day. I need to stop taking them. I am not going to be ruled by them.
Put application in on a flat today. I am getting closer.
But, at the same time I think it highlights that the team aren't doing a great job. The psychologist said he was going to contact the Dr about the experiences I had been having on Friday. Maybe he hasn't been in and that is why I have not been contacted. But the psychologist seems to think I need medicating. I said that I was already on Quetiapine which is an anti-psychotic so I didn't think they would change anything and he said he still wanted to speak with the Dr anyway.
I am not bothered that they have not contacted me anyway. I am going to stop taking my meds as I don't think they actually do anything for me. I am on a mood stabiliser which although has stopped the highs (which I liked) I still get the depressions. I am on an anti-depressant, yet look at me now. And again I am on an anti-psychotic, it's not like that is doing any good for me is it. I hate taking all the meds I am on. It's like they rule my life and I can't be doing with it. Not going to say anything to anyone as again I don't want them hauling me in to hospital. But I don't think it will make much difference anyway. It might stop me sleeping 14 hours a night, feeling like a zombie the next day and eating half the daily intake of the food in China each day. I need to stop taking them. I am not going to be ruled by them.
Put application in on a flat today. I am getting closer.
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Informal
They've asked me to go informally. Either that or they tell my mum everything so I said I'd go. They need to see if there is a bed first. Waiting to hear.
Update at 17.55
I have spoken to the team a couple of times. There are no beds. They still wanted to tell my Mum. I have managed to put them off. I spoke to them the first time and said I could either lie and say I would be fine or I could tell them the truth and say that although it wasn't in my plans tonight I couldn't guarantee anything. I didn't say I would do anything, just that I was really struggling and that I don't know how much longer I can hang on for. On the second call they gave me the options again saying they had been trying for beds but still couldn't get one and they would need to speak to my Mum. I said I really didn't want that as would make things worse. I said I couldn't do that to her. She is in counselling herself for the relationship breakdown.
They asked why would I not want her to know and was worried about her finding out how I was feeling or finding me dead. I didn't say it, I couldn't but the reason is because, I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out if I was dead. I would be gone. How selfish am I?
In the end they agreed that if I call crisis team at 7pm and speak to them and the duty team can call me tomorrow at 10am then they wouldn't go in telling my Mum. Duty team want me to go in tomorrow. I will, but again I am going to tell them I don't want their input as I can deal with things much better on my own. If I hadn't had all this going on today I wouldn't have had the extra stress making me more certain of planning things. The last time people were involved and I was honest I ended up sectioned. Worst possible scenario. So I don't want it now!
I feel awful. I feel like the most selfish person alive. And as of that in a vicious circle.
I don't want to go into hospital. I suppose if it's informal I have more control over things. But at the same time, the place makes me stir crazy. But again, if it's informal I can leave when I want. No, I don't want to go. I don't want anyone involved. The only thing I am sure of at the moment is the feeling of being suicidal.
Update at 17.55
I have spoken to the team a couple of times. There are no beds. They still wanted to tell my Mum. I have managed to put them off. I spoke to them the first time and said I could either lie and say I would be fine or I could tell them the truth and say that although it wasn't in my plans tonight I couldn't guarantee anything. I didn't say I would do anything, just that I was really struggling and that I don't know how much longer I can hang on for. On the second call they gave me the options again saying they had been trying for beds but still couldn't get one and they would need to speak to my Mum. I said I really didn't want that as would make things worse. I said I couldn't do that to her. She is in counselling herself for the relationship breakdown.
They asked why would I not want her to know and was worried about her finding out how I was feeling or finding me dead. I didn't say it, I couldn't but the reason is because, I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out if I was dead. I would be gone. How selfish am I?
In the end they agreed that if I call crisis team at 7pm and speak to them and the duty team can call me tomorrow at 10am then they wouldn't go in telling my Mum. Duty team want me to go in tomorrow. I will, but again I am going to tell them I don't want their input as I can deal with things much better on my own. If I hadn't had all this going on today I wouldn't have had the extra stress making me more certain of planning things. The last time people were involved and I was honest I ended up sectioned. Worst possible scenario. So I don't want it now!
I feel awful. I feel like the most selfish person alive. And as of that in a vicious circle.
I don't want to go into hospital. I suppose if it's informal I have more control over things. But at the same time, the place makes me stir crazy. But again, if it's informal I can leave when I want. No, I don't want to go. I don't want anyone involved. The only thing I am sure of at the moment is the feeling of being suicidal.
Tuesday, 15 November 2011
Why?
I keep looking up methods and how I could go about attempting. I think I know how I would do it if and when I try. It's got to that stage again and I can't cope with going on like this.
I said yesterday that I thought I needed to be back in hospital, well I have been thinking about it more and I think it would possibly make things worse for me. The PDoc in there thought that was the case also at the time. It does make things worse for me being in there, so I can't see how going back in would help. Nothing would help now. I have racked my brains today thinking what would honestly help me. Would calling crisis team? No, I tried that before and it was awful. Would being open with Beth about it help? I don't think so. I think as soon as I mention I am suicidal and have been making plans she will make me have another Mental Health Act Assessment. If I mention it to Sam she will again have to break confidentiality and get Beth involved which again would lead to MHA.
So, it doesn't leave me in a good place really. I have been looking up methods and how much I need of what and I know I have enough as I was given some pretty dangerous stuff. Stuff that would work within an hour should I get it right. But, the same thing is I don't want to do it while my Mum is around as wouldn't want her to find me. So I need to figure something out in terms of that. I have thought of a number of different ways but I keep coming back to the same place.
I have an appointment with Beth on Wednesday. My Mum has asked if she can speak to her. I am not sure why, but I have an idea. It may be something to do with the fact my Mum has noticed I am down again. I have not been out of my PJ's since Saturday. Kinda gross really. I have no motivation and I can't see the point in making the effort to get showered and dressed when I don't have to be anywhere or do anything. When I feel like this I don't want to go anywhere or do anything so what is the point in getting showered and dressed? I know tomorrow I need to get in the shower as my hair hasn't been washed since Thursday and is starting to smell. Gross I know.
I am sleeping quite a bit at the moment. Last night it was about 13 hours and was the same Saturday night also. I feel as though I need it. My time is all off though as I am not going to bed until about 2am so not waking up til between 2-3pm the next day. My mum has probably noticed that also.
I don't know what to say to Beth on Wednesday. I don't want to end up in hospital again. I feel if I am honest that is the way it is going to go.
I said yesterday that I thought I needed to be back in hospital, well I have been thinking about it more and I think it would possibly make things worse for me. The PDoc in there thought that was the case also at the time. It does make things worse for me being in there, so I can't see how going back in would help. Nothing would help now. I have racked my brains today thinking what would honestly help me. Would calling crisis team? No, I tried that before and it was awful. Would being open with Beth about it help? I don't think so. I think as soon as I mention I am suicidal and have been making plans she will make me have another Mental Health Act Assessment. If I mention it to Sam she will again have to break confidentiality and get Beth involved which again would lead to MHA.
So, it doesn't leave me in a good place really. I have been looking up methods and how much I need of what and I know I have enough as I was given some pretty dangerous stuff. Stuff that would work within an hour should I get it right. But, the same thing is I don't want to do it while my Mum is around as wouldn't want her to find me. So I need to figure something out in terms of that. I have thought of a number of different ways but I keep coming back to the same place.
I have an appointment with Beth on Wednesday. My Mum has asked if she can speak to her. I am not sure why, but I have an idea. It may be something to do with the fact my Mum has noticed I am down again. I have not been out of my PJ's since Saturday. Kinda gross really. I have no motivation and I can't see the point in making the effort to get showered and dressed when I don't have to be anywhere or do anything. When I feel like this I don't want to go anywhere or do anything so what is the point in getting showered and dressed? I know tomorrow I need to get in the shower as my hair hasn't been washed since Thursday and is starting to smell. Gross I know.
I am sleeping quite a bit at the moment. Last night it was about 13 hours and was the same Saturday night also. I feel as though I need it. My time is all off though as I am not going to bed until about 2am so not waking up til between 2-3pm the next day. My mum has probably noticed that also.
I don't know what to say to Beth on Wednesday. I don't want to end up in hospital again. I feel if I am honest that is the way it is going to go.
Sunday, 13 November 2011
Hospital
I am thinking that I may need to be in hospital again. I don't want to go and will do my best to try and stay out but I am struggling too much. I am back in the planning stage and have a number of ideas. I feel like I did just before I was admitted last time. It scares me how powerful the thoughts are. When I came out the hospital they were just fleeting thoughts but now it's back on a reel again.
I have no purpose in life. I am not giving anything and I can't see a future. I have no point. There is no point in my existence.
What worries me if I end up in hospital is that I will end up somewhere on a long term basis as that is what they said last time when I was on the medical ward and they were contemplating what to do with me, whether to put me back in PICU and then transfer to somewhere long term or to go back to the ward that I had come from. I don't want to be in hospital, I don't want to be alive and I don't have any fight left in me. So, what does that mean?
I have no purpose in life. I am not giving anything and I can't see a future. I have no point. There is no point in my existence.
What worries me if I end up in hospital is that I will end up somewhere on a long term basis as that is what they said last time when I was on the medical ward and they were contemplating what to do with me, whether to put me back in PICU and then transfer to somewhere long term or to go back to the ward that I had come from. I don't want to be in hospital, I don't want to be alive and I don't have any fight left in me. So, what does that mean?
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
It Is Getting Worse.
So first off what I wanted to say about my recent stay on medical wards.
You know I wrote that post in which I talked about my dream of being in hospital when I stabbed myself. I said it wasn't my hospital but it was the staff. Well turns out it was my hospital. It was the intensive care ward. The ward in which I was on over the weekend. I have never been on that ward, never visited anyone and had no idea what it was like. Until I was there and it was the same as my dream. It goes to show my dreams do show me things. Dreams have shown me things in the past but I have never had it where I have written about it and then, bam! I have been there. Kind of weird really. Does it mean my dreams can predict the future in some weird way?
Anyway, today.
So, summoned to the hospital to see Dr T and Beth. Dr T as usual was running late. So Beth sat with me in the waiting room. She was asking me loads of questions. She basically said that last week the only thing that would have stopped me from doing what I did would have been to use the MHA then. I just said nothing would stop me. She kept going over and over things. Talking about stuff that had happened that I didn't know about. A call to the police saying there was a dead body from someones mobile phone. I don't get why they didn't call an ambulance? Why the police? If you come across what you think is a dead body, unless quite obviously dead, such as being decapitated, or just some limbs, you would call an ambulance. Even if you felt for a pulse and couldn't find one, you would still call an ambulance. I find all that weird. So much so I wonder if that was actually the way in which things panned out. I mean, this team have been known to get things wrong before.
So in with Dr T. I can't make eye contact. I can't speak. All I can say is I don't want to see anyone and I won't work with anyone. Again, they asked me to go in to hospital on a voluntary basis. I said no. As I said before, I fear hospital more than I fear death.
Dr T then told me I was feeling angry at them. No, not particularly. I just want to be left alone. I feel that their input makes me worse. I said I wanted to go alone. They said they couldn't do that as they were worried and my actions had caused a lot of concern. And, my behaviour now was causing concern.
I was asked how I felt, I said I wished it had worked, what I didn't say was because I don't want to deal with what is going off now. Everyone knows. I never wanted that. I don't want anyone knowing. They asked if I was still having thoughts and I said I was but I didn't have any plans. And here they go again with getting it wrong. They said I had attempted in the past when I didn't have plans. Well, actually no! Every attempt has been planned. I didn't have the energy to attempt to argue with them. I don't have the energy to argue with them.
Dr T asked me if I thought I was unwell. I said no. I don't feel that I am. These feelings aren't any different to what I have been feeling for a long time. So I don't think I am unwell. I don't know what they think though. I couldn't look at them in the eye and I couldn't speak really. Just the occasional one word answer and the odd nod, shake and shrug. I tried to get out of my head and from what was going on. I noticed Beth's nice shoes and her purple toes, Dr T's very unfashionable black lace up shoes with a diamond kind of print socks. The carpet was blue with a small pattern in which I thought looked like a leopard print pattern, very discreet though. It smelt of paint. It smelt of a new building. Which it was. After all it's only been open less than a year.
I declined their input. Dr T said he would see me weekly, only yesterday I was told he is discharging me. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone.
Dr T asked Beth what she thought. She said I needed a Mental Health Act Assessment. She said they had a duty of care, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!! Dr T agreed and they asked me if I would wait in reception. I said I just wanted to go home. They asked me if I would agree to the assessment and I just kind of shrugged. I don't have a choice. I don't want them turning up at my door with the police and get me on a S135. It was quite late and I think Dr T wanted to see his last clients and go home. And, he wanted to get my GP involved. So they said an assessment would be arranged for tomorrow and they would come to my house. I don't know if it will be Dr T. I don't know who it will be. They are going to try and get my GP to come also, as I think he is supposed to be the doctor that knows me. I was asked to guarantee that I would keep myself safe tonight. Again, I said I didn't have plans so it was fine.
They did the whole going in to the past thing again. Wanting to know what has gone on in my life and any significant events. I said there were none. I am not sure if those things that happened are significant enough to cause this. Why does it have to be an event that causes it. Why can't it just be the way things are. I still feel it's all very Freudian. A Psychiatrist I don't have respect for as quite frankly, he was talking rubbish. I mean, how can you take someone seriously who comes up with things like the Oedipus and Alexis Complex. Really?
I was asked if I was ok to drive. They wanted to call my Mum and I said she was out. She was, she was at meetings. I said I only lived 5 minutes away and I would be fine. I got in my car. Composed myself. Then instead of turning right to go home I turned left. I wasn't really sure where I was heading. I was going to drive around my childhood haunts. Go and walk up to my wishing tree. This is a tree that when I was a kid, my friend and I used to go to and we used to believe it had magic powers to grant wishes. It was quite a cool tree and easy to climb. I went back there a few years ago. But, I had no energy. I couldn't be bothered to walk through the rain, through the park/forest what ever it's called to go find my tree. Instead, I drove to the cemetery.
When I have been really bad and at a low point I speak out loud to my Nan. Hoping that somehow, if I am doing such a wrong thing she will somehow let me know. I decided I was going to visit her and my Grandad's grave. I haven't been in about 2 years. No one tends to go. As a family we were never one for visiting people's graves, after all only the body is there and their soul has (supposedly, if you believe religion) gone to heaven. So if you wanted to talk to them you should pray. I went to the cemetery. There were no cars in the car park. Being as though it was an area in which some of the rioting at happened (it hit my city the other night with police stations being firebombed and shops in the city centre being looted), not majorly, but I didn't want some yob seeing my car all alone and think they could just nick it or set fire to it. The latter being more likely as not the type of car you steal as it's a rust bucket and takes about an hour to get from 0-60mph. I saw another car drive in to the cemetery so it's what I did.
I drove up to the grave. I got a blanket out and as I sat down, I looked around to ensure I wasn't in earshot of anyone and talked to my Nan and a little to my Grandad. He died when I was one so I never really knew him. But my Nan, well, she was second Mum. I was there about 45minutes. I apologised and asked that if there was some form of afterlife, could she some how let me know. Then I asked if it was because what I had done was against the religion she tried to bring me up as (Catholic...dragged to church every Sunday until she died when I was 15 and I have not been back since), and was that the reason why she wasn't making herself known to me?
I don't know what I believe when it comes to the whole death thing. I would like to think re-incarnation. As after all, forever after as a dead person, is a bloody long time. And I am not sure if I like that. I mean what if you marry, they die and you re marry, and they die. If there is such thing as heaven...who are you with? Think about it? It's not exactly the best thought out plans is it?
So after that I go home. I really don't want to go home. I said to my friend earlier, if I had the money I would do a runner for a while. Hop on a plane and get out of here. Disappear for a while. But, all I have is a shit load of debt and only £60 in cash. Won't get me far or last for long will it?
I think I am going to be sectioned. I won't work with them, and I don't know if they will just let me go on my merry way. I fear hospital more than I fear death. I have already started thinking about how I can do it while I am in hospital, if they make me go in. I have hidden needles in my belongings. So, hopefully, if I am searched they won't find all of them and I have some outlet still.
My career is fucked basically also.
I came home and spoke to my Mum telling her what was going to happen tomorrow. She made jokes like asking me if she should make them all a cuppa and try and butter them up. Me, I think make them a cuppa and put chloroform in it so I can do a runner. Didn't say this out loud though.
We then got talking about my Dad. She said that this whole situation had made her realise she was always being defensive about me and my brothers and she didn't like feeling like that. I agreed. He is hard work. So I came out with it and asked if they were going to break up. She said it was looking like that. She doesn't want to lead the rest of her life feeling defensive around my Dad. I just said I had seen it coming for a long time now and was surprised she lasted this long. I do worry about my Dad though. As much as I can't stand to be around him at times and I would hate for him to be here now. I don't think he could cope on his own.
I asked if she had thought about practicalities and she said she had. I asked what would happen to the house we live in now. She said she couldn't afford to run it on her own as it's a big house and the bills are large etc. So we talked about if it remained amicable would my Dad support her still in living in the house. It's a possibility. Also, there are2 very similar houses for sale on my road already. They are only on the market for about £400,000 and so is not a good time to sell as they are worth more than that. So, maybe we could stay here and my Dad would move to one of his houses that he owns. If they do split I hope it remains amicable between them.
So that's been my day. I think tomorrow I am going to end up in hospital. I am scared.
I have one friend telling me to lie, and the other telling me she thinks it may be for the best. I have only told 2 friends. I don't want anyone else knowing.
So, if I don't blog for a while. It's cos I have been put in a straight jacket and rushed off to be drugged up and kept quiet!
You know I wrote that post in which I talked about my dream of being in hospital when I stabbed myself. I said it wasn't my hospital but it was the staff. Well turns out it was my hospital. It was the intensive care ward. The ward in which I was on over the weekend. I have never been on that ward, never visited anyone and had no idea what it was like. Until I was there and it was the same as my dream. It goes to show my dreams do show me things. Dreams have shown me things in the past but I have never had it where I have written about it and then, bam! I have been there. Kind of weird really. Does it mean my dreams can predict the future in some weird way?
Anyway, today.
So, summoned to the hospital to see Dr T and Beth. Dr T as usual was running late. So Beth sat with me in the waiting room. She was asking me loads of questions. She basically said that last week the only thing that would have stopped me from doing what I did would have been to use the MHA then. I just said nothing would stop me. She kept going over and over things. Talking about stuff that had happened that I didn't know about. A call to the police saying there was a dead body from someones mobile phone. I don't get why they didn't call an ambulance? Why the police? If you come across what you think is a dead body, unless quite obviously dead, such as being decapitated, or just some limbs, you would call an ambulance. Even if you felt for a pulse and couldn't find one, you would still call an ambulance. I find all that weird. So much so I wonder if that was actually the way in which things panned out. I mean, this team have been known to get things wrong before.
So in with Dr T. I can't make eye contact. I can't speak. All I can say is I don't want to see anyone and I won't work with anyone. Again, they asked me to go in to hospital on a voluntary basis. I said no. As I said before, I fear hospital more than I fear death.
Dr T then told me I was feeling angry at them. No, not particularly. I just want to be left alone. I feel that their input makes me worse. I said I wanted to go alone. They said they couldn't do that as they were worried and my actions had caused a lot of concern. And, my behaviour now was causing concern.
I was asked how I felt, I said I wished it had worked, what I didn't say was because I don't want to deal with what is going off now. Everyone knows. I never wanted that. I don't want anyone knowing. They asked if I was still having thoughts and I said I was but I didn't have any plans. And here they go again with getting it wrong. They said I had attempted in the past when I didn't have plans. Well, actually no! Every attempt has been planned. I didn't have the energy to attempt to argue with them. I don't have the energy to argue with them.
Dr T asked me if I thought I was unwell. I said no. I don't feel that I am. These feelings aren't any different to what I have been feeling for a long time. So I don't think I am unwell. I don't know what they think though. I couldn't look at them in the eye and I couldn't speak really. Just the occasional one word answer and the odd nod, shake and shrug. I tried to get out of my head and from what was going on. I noticed Beth's nice shoes and her purple toes, Dr T's very unfashionable black lace up shoes with a diamond kind of print socks. The carpet was blue with a small pattern in which I thought looked like a leopard print pattern, very discreet though. It smelt of paint. It smelt of a new building. Which it was. After all it's only been open less than a year.
I declined their input. Dr T said he would see me weekly, only yesterday I was told he is discharging me. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone.
Dr T asked Beth what she thought. She said I needed a Mental Health Act Assessment. She said they had a duty of care, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!! Dr T agreed and they asked me if I would wait in reception. I said I just wanted to go home. They asked me if I would agree to the assessment and I just kind of shrugged. I don't have a choice. I don't want them turning up at my door with the police and get me on a S135. It was quite late and I think Dr T wanted to see his last clients and go home. And, he wanted to get my GP involved. So they said an assessment would be arranged for tomorrow and they would come to my house. I don't know if it will be Dr T. I don't know who it will be. They are going to try and get my GP to come also, as I think he is supposed to be the doctor that knows me. I was asked to guarantee that I would keep myself safe tonight. Again, I said I didn't have plans so it was fine.
They did the whole going in to the past thing again. Wanting to know what has gone on in my life and any significant events. I said there were none. I am not sure if those things that happened are significant enough to cause this. Why does it have to be an event that causes it. Why can't it just be the way things are. I still feel it's all very Freudian. A Psychiatrist I don't have respect for as quite frankly, he was talking rubbish. I mean, how can you take someone seriously who comes up with things like the Oedipus and Alexis Complex. Really?
I was asked if I was ok to drive. They wanted to call my Mum and I said she was out. She was, she was at meetings. I said I only lived 5 minutes away and I would be fine. I got in my car. Composed myself. Then instead of turning right to go home I turned left. I wasn't really sure where I was heading. I was going to drive around my childhood haunts. Go and walk up to my wishing tree. This is a tree that when I was a kid, my friend and I used to go to and we used to believe it had magic powers to grant wishes. It was quite a cool tree and easy to climb. I went back there a few years ago. But, I had no energy. I couldn't be bothered to walk through the rain, through the park/forest what ever it's called to go find my tree. Instead, I drove to the cemetery.
When I have been really bad and at a low point I speak out loud to my Nan. Hoping that somehow, if I am doing such a wrong thing she will somehow let me know. I decided I was going to visit her and my Grandad's grave. I haven't been in about 2 years. No one tends to go. As a family we were never one for visiting people's graves, after all only the body is there and their soul has (supposedly, if you believe religion) gone to heaven. So if you wanted to talk to them you should pray. I went to the cemetery. There were no cars in the car park. Being as though it was an area in which some of the rioting at happened (it hit my city the other night with police stations being firebombed and shops in the city centre being looted), not majorly, but I didn't want some yob seeing my car all alone and think they could just nick it or set fire to it. The latter being more likely as not the type of car you steal as it's a rust bucket and takes about an hour to get from 0-60mph. I saw another car drive in to the cemetery so it's what I did.
I drove up to the grave. I got a blanket out and as I sat down, I looked around to ensure I wasn't in earshot of anyone and talked to my Nan and a little to my Grandad. He died when I was one so I never really knew him. But my Nan, well, she was second Mum. I was there about 45minutes. I apologised and asked that if there was some form of afterlife, could she some how let me know. Then I asked if it was because what I had done was against the religion she tried to bring me up as (Catholic...dragged to church every Sunday until she died when I was 15 and I have not been back since), and was that the reason why she wasn't making herself known to me?
I don't know what I believe when it comes to the whole death thing. I would like to think re-incarnation. As after all, forever after as a dead person, is a bloody long time. And I am not sure if I like that. I mean what if you marry, they die and you re marry, and they die. If there is such thing as heaven...who are you with? Think about it? It's not exactly the best thought out plans is it?
So after that I go home. I really don't want to go home. I said to my friend earlier, if I had the money I would do a runner for a while. Hop on a plane and get out of here. Disappear for a while. But, all I have is a shit load of debt and only £60 in cash. Won't get me far or last for long will it?
I think I am going to be sectioned. I won't work with them, and I don't know if they will just let me go on my merry way. I fear hospital more than I fear death. I have already started thinking about how I can do it while I am in hospital, if they make me go in. I have hidden needles in my belongings. So, hopefully, if I am searched they won't find all of them and I have some outlet still.
My career is fucked basically also.
I came home and spoke to my Mum telling her what was going to happen tomorrow. She made jokes like asking me if she should make them all a cuppa and try and butter them up. Me, I think make them a cuppa and put chloroform in it so I can do a runner. Didn't say this out loud though.
We then got talking about my Dad. She said that this whole situation had made her realise she was always being defensive about me and my brothers and she didn't like feeling like that. I agreed. He is hard work. So I came out with it and asked if they were going to break up. She said it was looking like that. She doesn't want to lead the rest of her life feeling defensive around my Dad. I just said I had seen it coming for a long time now and was surprised she lasted this long. I do worry about my Dad though. As much as I can't stand to be around him at times and I would hate for him to be here now. I don't think he could cope on his own.
I asked if she had thought about practicalities and she said she had. I asked what would happen to the house we live in now. She said she couldn't afford to run it on her own as it's a big house and the bills are large etc. So we talked about if it remained amicable would my Dad support her still in living in the house. It's a possibility. Also, there are2 very similar houses for sale on my road already. They are only on the market for about £400,000 and so is not a good time to sell as they are worth more than that. So, maybe we could stay here and my Dad would move to one of his houses that he owns. If they do split I hope it remains amicable between them.
So that's been my day. I think tomorrow I am going to end up in hospital. I am scared.
I have one friend telling me to lie, and the other telling me she thinks it may be for the best. I have only told 2 friends. I don't want anyone else knowing.
So, if I don't blog for a while. It's cos I have been put in a straight jacket and rushed off to be drugged up and kept quiet!
Summoned
I have been summoned by Dr T and Beth the CPN/CCO. I have to be there for 3pm. I am freaking out. I think they are going to spring a MHA assessment on me. I think they want me to go to the hospital.
I still have the same thoughts. I don't have a plan. I have thoughts, I have ideas but no plan.
I don't want to go. I don't like Dr T. He will probably turn round and tell me I am not suicidal, that I am not having suicidal thoughts and that they don't exist. He does tend to invalidate what I am feeling and tell me I am feeling something I am not or tell me I am not feeling something I feel I am feeling.
I am worried this is a rouse for a MHA assessment. I know I have already seen an AMHP. She was the social worker who saw me in the hospital. Can they do assessments separately over a number of days like that? He will be a S12 approved, he is the consultant Psych. So I would only need one more doc. Can they do them without you being aware that they are doing them?
I still have the same thoughts. I don't have a plan. I have thoughts, I have ideas but no plan.
I don't want to go. I don't like Dr T. He will probably turn round and tell me I am not suicidal, that I am not having suicidal thoughts and that they don't exist. He does tend to invalidate what I am feeling and tell me I am feeling something I am not or tell me I am not feeling something I feel I am feeling.
I am worried this is a rouse for a MHA assessment. I know I have already seen an AMHP. She was the social worker who saw me in the hospital. Can they do assessments separately over a number of days like that? He will be a S12 approved, he is the consultant Psych. So I would only need one more doc. Can they do them without you being aware that they are doing them?
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Where to Begin?
Well, obviously as I am writing this it didn't work. I came very close though. Very close. I can't remember much if I am honest. I can't remember leaving the house at all. I woke up nearly 24 hours later in the intensive care unit. I half opened my eyes and I didn't recognise where I was and I had a weird sensation of not being able to move. Someone talking to me saying "you are ok, you're just coming round from being sedated". I reached out for her hand and wouldn't let go. I couldn't cough, speak or move my head. I was on a ventilator that was breathing for me. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. I don't know how long I was like that for. I was aware that I had lines coming out of me from all angles. I was told to try and not move as I had so many. I was on a catheter also. Naked, except for a gown. Hooked up to all these machines.
Once I became a little more conscious, she removed the ventilator. It was horrible. I was still not quite with it and not fully conscious. She put me on oxygen for a while.Then when I was a little more with it she told me what was happening to me. I had lines in my arms, my wrists, my hands, my feet and my neck. Painful. I was on a heart monitor. I had a catheter in. And I couldn't move. It had felt like I had been in an accident. My neck was stiff and I couldn't move. She then told me the police were involved in trying to find a next of kin. She said I didn't have any ID on me. Panic set in. They knew who I was at that point, I don't know how. Then she came back and told me that the police had been in contact with my older brother and he had informed him and my parents. My brother kept calling the ICU wanting to know what I had taken and how much. The nurse was with me most the time. One nurse to one patient in ICU. I was still hooked up to the machines but she had removed a couple of lines. Just leaving the most painful ones in my neck and arterial line in my wrist. I spoke to my brother. Tears down the phone. He told me the police called him first but because he wasn't next of kin they wouldn't give him information. They had just said there had been an incident. He thought I was dead.
The nurse said if I hadn't have been found I would have died. I was really ill and it was serious. They sedated me with propofal which they use for general anaesthetics. They said I wasn't breathing and couldn't maintain my own airway. My bloods were all over the place and very acidotic so they said I needed to be asleep so they could give treatment.
I don't remember much at all until I woke up in ICU. There are little flashes which I remember. I remember a weird sensation in my mouth and taste. I think the nurse was brushing my teeth. It was horrible and it felt like I was going to drown. I couldn't move. I think I remember the tube going down my throat, but again I couldn't move. It was like I was paralysed. I think I was sick also. I was on my back and I thought I was going to drown in my own sick. There were lots of people around and they were suctioning it out my mouth. But this is all I remember. I don't remember leaving the house. I don't remember being in the ED. Nothing.
So I was in ICU for 2 nights. On the second night I had all my lines and catheter removed. A catheter is horrible. You can't pee normally and it feels like all you want to do is pee. When it came to removing the lines there were also stitches as they were sewn in to me so they didn't move. It was horrible having them taken out. So painful.
I was moved to the ward on Sunday morning. An older woman from Crisis team came. I said I didn't want their input and I didn't want to work with them. I said I regretted it didn't work, especially as I came so close. But, I didn't have any more plans to try again. Which was true. I said I really didn't want to work with them. She threatened me with a MHA. I said to her I felt as though I was being cornered and they weren't giving me choices. She didn't stay long. She just said that I had to stay in hospital one more night at least on medical wards and give it some thought and they would come back the next day.
On Monday I was told I was medically fit. Crisis team came back. Well, a Social Worker from crisis team and a nurse from the CAT team. I was with them only 5 minutes when there was a knock at the door and the student nurse said that my mum was there. So, queue hysterical crying. She had flown back from holiday early. I told the social worker and nurse that I did not want to work with them and I wanted to go it alone. They said it wasn't an option and if I refused to work with them then they would have to do a MHA. I kept saying over and over that I didn't want to work with them. I said I didn't want family members knowing what had happened and I didn't want them involved. They said because I lived with my parents they had to know what was going on. I tried arguing with them saying how I felt it was unfair as if I lived on my own they wouldn't be talking to my Mum. I said that they were breaking my confidentiality and it was wrong as they were only doing it because I lived with someone else. I asked how could I be honest with them if they were just going to tell my parents what I had said. I said I was an adult and I didn't want anyone knowing. I didn't want them knowing it wasn't the first time and I wanted to down play the seriousness of it. They said they couldn't do that as I had nearly died and it was serious.
So they sent me out the room to go and see my Mum. More crying. I said I was sorry. I know suicide is selfish. But, I can't go on like this with these feelings. I felt bad that she had flown back from holiday at the cost of nearly £500. But, if anyone plays the "what about me" card I am just going to have to say "what about me". I know they will be upset but it is a very selfish thing and I can't really see past that at the moment. After a while the 2 people came back and wanted me to go back in with my Mum. They said what the options were and I said all I wanted to do was go home and be left alone. I said I really didn't want their input as it was a waste of time. I said I wouldn't talk to them as I barely knew them, and even then, if I knew them I probably wouldn't talk to them. I explained how even with Sam I withhold quite a lot from her. And that I just didn't want new people involved with me. My mum was freaking out as she thought they were going to make me go in to hospital. I said I wouldn't go in informally either. I was arguing with them, and crying loads. I said I wouldn't go in to hospital as I knew what they were like from working on the wards and that I knew staff in all the local hospitals. So that was not an option. They were saying how basically what they do is the same as what hospital would do but without making me be in there. I refused point blank. I do not want to work with them at all.
In the end, I said I would see Dr T, or my GP or someone from the counselling service. They weren't happy at first. I left the room and my Mum stayed behind. I don't know what was said. I went off for a cigarette and when I came back they agreed that I could go home on the basis that they could see me today and sort something out with the GP.
I agreed. But this morning I didn't answer my phone to them. They spoke to my Mum though and said that the GP has agreed he will see me once a week. I don't really see the point of it really. I probably won't even go to see him. I haven't spoke to them today and they have not tried calling me back so I am assuming that they are not going to be coming today. I think I have managed to throw them off. Hopefully, anyway.
So how do I feel about people knowing. I am mortified. I am so upset that it didn't just work and now I have to live through this of being watched. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left on my own. I still feel the same in that I don't want to be around. I just want to give up. I have had enough of the fighting. The constant battle. I don't want to think that I am hurting people, but, selfishly, what about me? My brother sent me something he had written that made me cry and makes me cry every time I read it...
Once I became a little more conscious, she removed the ventilator. It was horrible. I was still not quite with it and not fully conscious. She put me on oxygen for a while.Then when I was a little more with it she told me what was happening to me. I had lines in my arms, my wrists, my hands, my feet and my neck. Painful. I was on a heart monitor. I had a catheter in. And I couldn't move. It had felt like I had been in an accident. My neck was stiff and I couldn't move. She then told me the police were involved in trying to find a next of kin. She said I didn't have any ID on me. Panic set in. They knew who I was at that point, I don't know how. Then she came back and told me that the police had been in contact with my older brother and he had informed him and my parents. My brother kept calling the ICU wanting to know what I had taken and how much. The nurse was with me most the time. One nurse to one patient in ICU. I was still hooked up to the machines but she had removed a couple of lines. Just leaving the most painful ones in my neck and arterial line in my wrist. I spoke to my brother. Tears down the phone. He told me the police called him first but because he wasn't next of kin they wouldn't give him information. They had just said there had been an incident. He thought I was dead.
The nurse said if I hadn't have been found I would have died. I was really ill and it was serious. They sedated me with propofal which they use for general anaesthetics. They said I wasn't breathing and couldn't maintain my own airway. My bloods were all over the place and very acidotic so they said I needed to be asleep so they could give treatment.
I don't remember much at all until I woke up in ICU. There are little flashes which I remember. I remember a weird sensation in my mouth and taste. I think the nurse was brushing my teeth. It was horrible and it felt like I was going to drown. I couldn't move. I think I remember the tube going down my throat, but again I couldn't move. It was like I was paralysed. I think I was sick also. I was on my back and I thought I was going to drown in my own sick. There were lots of people around and they were suctioning it out my mouth. But this is all I remember. I don't remember leaving the house. I don't remember being in the ED. Nothing.
So I was in ICU for 2 nights. On the second night I had all my lines and catheter removed. A catheter is horrible. You can't pee normally and it feels like all you want to do is pee. When it came to removing the lines there were also stitches as they were sewn in to me so they didn't move. It was horrible having them taken out. So painful.
I was moved to the ward on Sunday morning. An older woman from Crisis team came. I said I didn't want their input and I didn't want to work with them. I said I regretted it didn't work, especially as I came so close. But, I didn't have any more plans to try again. Which was true. I said I really didn't want to work with them. She threatened me with a MHA. I said to her I felt as though I was being cornered and they weren't giving me choices. She didn't stay long. She just said that I had to stay in hospital one more night at least on medical wards and give it some thought and they would come back the next day.
On Monday I was told I was medically fit. Crisis team came back. Well, a Social Worker from crisis team and a nurse from the CAT team. I was with them only 5 minutes when there was a knock at the door and the student nurse said that my mum was there. So, queue hysterical crying. She had flown back from holiday early. I told the social worker and nurse that I did not want to work with them and I wanted to go it alone. They said it wasn't an option and if I refused to work with them then they would have to do a MHA. I kept saying over and over that I didn't want to work with them. I said I didn't want family members knowing what had happened and I didn't want them involved. They said because I lived with my parents they had to know what was going on. I tried arguing with them saying how I felt it was unfair as if I lived on my own they wouldn't be talking to my Mum. I said that they were breaking my confidentiality and it was wrong as they were only doing it because I lived with someone else. I asked how could I be honest with them if they were just going to tell my parents what I had said. I said I was an adult and I didn't want anyone knowing. I didn't want them knowing it wasn't the first time and I wanted to down play the seriousness of it. They said they couldn't do that as I had nearly died and it was serious.
So they sent me out the room to go and see my Mum. More crying. I said I was sorry. I know suicide is selfish. But, I can't go on like this with these feelings. I felt bad that she had flown back from holiday at the cost of nearly £500. But, if anyone plays the "what about me" card I am just going to have to say "what about me". I know they will be upset but it is a very selfish thing and I can't really see past that at the moment. After a while the 2 people came back and wanted me to go back in with my Mum. They said what the options were and I said all I wanted to do was go home and be left alone. I said I really didn't want their input as it was a waste of time. I said I wouldn't talk to them as I barely knew them, and even then, if I knew them I probably wouldn't talk to them. I explained how even with Sam I withhold quite a lot from her. And that I just didn't want new people involved with me. My mum was freaking out as she thought they were going to make me go in to hospital. I said I wouldn't go in informally either. I was arguing with them, and crying loads. I said I wouldn't go in to hospital as I knew what they were like from working on the wards and that I knew staff in all the local hospitals. So that was not an option. They were saying how basically what they do is the same as what hospital would do but without making me be in there. I refused point blank. I do not want to work with them at all.
In the end, I said I would see Dr T, or my GP or someone from the counselling service. They weren't happy at first. I left the room and my Mum stayed behind. I don't know what was said. I went off for a cigarette and when I came back they agreed that I could go home on the basis that they could see me today and sort something out with the GP.
I agreed. But this morning I didn't answer my phone to them. They spoke to my Mum though and said that the GP has agreed he will see me once a week. I don't really see the point of it really. I probably won't even go to see him. I haven't spoke to them today and they have not tried calling me back so I am assuming that they are not going to be coming today. I think I have managed to throw them off. Hopefully, anyway.
So how do I feel about people knowing. I am mortified. I am so upset that it didn't just work and now I have to live through this of being watched. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left on my own. I still feel the same in that I don't want to be around. I just want to give up. I have had enough of the fighting. The constant battle. I don't want to think that I am hurting people, but, selfishly, what about me? My brother sent me something he had written that made me cry and makes me cry every time I read it...
There's a child at Beachy Head, gonna stop you from going over. That child is me. There's a seven year old, got you by the hand, got you by the hair, got you by anything he can hold on to. Remembers you as a happy kid. Pre theft, pre pubescent. Daddy's girl with a big brown faced smile in a purple polyester nighty in the kitchen. A phone call of blazing dread brought back feelings of my childhood and adulthood inadequacy, multiplied ad infintum for you. But their words and deeds should have no bearing on the equilibrium of your soul. You are so lovely. I love you so much (my kids do too). Please just try and remember that next time you're down.
All this, all that's gone on and I still only think of it. My Mum and my brother have shown so much worry. Yet somehow I can't comprehend it. I can't comprehend much at the moment. I think I will be left alone now. Hopefully anyway. I don't want anything at the moment. I don't want people interfering in my life. I can't handle it. I want everyone to just go away.
That's basically what happened. There is probably bits I left out. I know there is one big thing I have but I will write about that in another post.
x
Friday, 5 August 2011
I'm Going To Try Again
Don't tell me to go to hospital, don't tell me to call Crisis Team. You know my feelings about them.
I don't want to go on like this anymore. The cycles I can't control are in control of me.
I just hope it works. I will leave the house in the dead of night to ensure that my family don't find me. OK, it's probably pretty selfish as some poor dog walker will. What have they done to deserve that? But, they wont be able to do anything about it. It's not as though they can think "what could I have done". Well in all honesty no one can do anything. I am broken. You can't fix me now. It has gone too far.
I am not all together sure it will work. But if you never try you will never succeed. Try try again and then you will succeed. Never give up. That is what I was taught through my childhood. Never give up! Friday night is probably not the best night to try with people coming back from out on the town. But, if I can get to where I need to be then it should work.
If you never try you'll never succeed!
I don't want to go on like this anymore. The cycles I can't control are in control of me.
I just hope it works. I will leave the house in the dead of night to ensure that my family don't find me. OK, it's probably pretty selfish as some poor dog walker will. What have they done to deserve that? But, they wont be able to do anything about it. It's not as though they can think "what could I have done". Well in all honesty no one can do anything. I am broken. You can't fix me now. It has gone too far.
I am not all together sure it will work. But if you never try you will never succeed. Try try again and then you will succeed. Never give up. That is what I was taught through my childhood. Never give up! Friday night is probably not the best night to try with people coming back from out on the town. But, if I can get to where I need to be then it should work.
If you never try you'll never succeed!
Police
They called the Police on me.
I was upstairs minging around and I heard the side gate go. I was thinking "Shit". I went out on to my balcony and heard banging really loudly on the door. I came downstairs and there was a Police man peering in through kitchen window. I opened the door and they asked if I was GP. I said yes and they asked if they could come in.
They were both really friendly. It was 2 blokes. So they asked if I was ok and if I had suicidal feelings. So I said yeh. They said that Matt had called them as he was concerned. I explained to the 2 Police officers that I was dealing with it my self and that I didn't want to see Crisis Team. I said I would rather be on my own and I didn't want their involvement. Cute police officer said that I didn't need to let them in but just let them know I was alive. I said I didn't want any involvement with them. Older Police man said he had met me before but he couldn't place where. I didn't recognise him but I thought it was probably from the time of the S136 and it all clicked in to place for him. He said I looked a lot better than then. I was battered though and it was raining so I probably had make-up smeared across my face and was in a mess. Today when they came round I was in my PJ's.
Cute police officer called the Crisis team and explained I was ok but didn't want input. He then made me speak to them. I explained to the guy on the phone that I didn't want them coming round and I didn't want to work with them as I thought I would be better on my own and could deal with it on my own.
He said the Crisis Team's aim was to keep people out of hospital. He said he was kind of put on the spot as he didn't know me and my case but he said a long the lines of if I didn't cooperate then hospital may be an option. A likely option. So he asked again if they could come around tomorrow and I said I felt like I had been cornered and I didn't have any choice in the matter. So I agreed on the phone even though I have no intention of being around then. I've been thinking quite a bit and thinking about my plans etc. I won't go in to it as I can't. It's my thing that I don't share.
The police were really nice though and they kept reassuring me saying things like "You're not in trouble", "We just want to make sure that you are ok and you are ok being left on your own". And then before they went they asked if I felt I needed them. I said no. They asked a couple more times and asked if I was sure. They said if I needed them I knew what to do.
They were so nice. I couldn't believe the difference in them to last time. I suppose it's because I was more compliant and wasn't trying to do a runner from them.
Crisis Team guy asked if I still had plans and I just said I didn't want to talk about it. He asked how I was feeling and I said the same. I can't hide it at the moment. I have no fight left in me. Before I would be able to put a fake smile on say everything was ok, but now I can't.
So nothing has changed really.
I was upstairs minging around and I heard the side gate go. I was thinking "Shit". I went out on to my balcony and heard banging really loudly on the door. I came downstairs and there was a Police man peering in through kitchen window. I opened the door and they asked if I was GP. I said yes and they asked if they could come in.
They were both really friendly. It was 2 blokes. So they asked if I was ok and if I had suicidal feelings. So I said yeh. They said that Matt had called them as he was concerned. I explained to the 2 Police officers that I was dealing with it my self and that I didn't want to see Crisis Team. I said I would rather be on my own and I didn't want their involvement. Cute police officer said that I didn't need to let them in but just let them know I was alive. I said I didn't want any involvement with them. Older Police man said he had met me before but he couldn't place where. I didn't recognise him but I thought it was probably from the time of the S136 and it all clicked in to place for him. He said I looked a lot better than then. I was battered though and it was raining so I probably had make-up smeared across my face and was in a mess. Today when they came round I was in my PJ's.
Cute police officer called the Crisis team and explained I was ok but didn't want input. He then made me speak to them. I explained to the guy on the phone that I didn't want them coming round and I didn't want to work with them as I thought I would be better on my own and could deal with it on my own.
He said the Crisis Team's aim was to keep people out of hospital. He said he was kind of put on the spot as he didn't know me and my case but he said a long the lines of if I didn't cooperate then hospital may be an option. A likely option. So he asked again if they could come around tomorrow and I said I felt like I had been cornered and I didn't have any choice in the matter. So I agreed on the phone even though I have no intention of being around then. I've been thinking quite a bit and thinking about my plans etc. I won't go in to it as I can't. It's my thing that I don't share.
The police were really nice though and they kept reassuring me saying things like "You're not in trouble", "We just want to make sure that you are ok and you are ok being left on your own". And then before they went they asked if I felt I needed them. I said no. They asked a couple more times and asked if I was sure. They said if I needed them I knew what to do.
They were so nice. I couldn't believe the difference in them to last time. I suppose it's because I was more compliant and wasn't trying to do a runner from them.
Crisis Team guy asked if I still had plans and I just said I didn't want to talk about it. He asked how I was feeling and I said the same. I can't hide it at the moment. I have no fight left in me. Before I would be able to put a fake smile on say everything was ok, but now I can't.
So nothing has changed really.
Thursday, 4 August 2011
I Don't Want Them.
I am going to tell Crisis Team I don't want them. I don't want them coming round to my house, I don't want them phoning, I don't want their interference.
It's not a crime. And I feel I can do better without them. I don't see what they can do. I have made up my mind and there will be no changing it. I can be quite stubborn like that. I know what is best for me. Not some person I have only met once, or maybe have not met at all.
I am sick of them saying "You're and intelligent person, you should know how things work". What is that supposed to mean? I wonder if they tell that to everyone. Probably. I don't see how intelligence has anything to do with how I feel.
So when they come round tomorrow I am going to tell them. No more thanks!
It's not a crime. And I feel I can do better without them. I don't see what they can do. I have made up my mind and there will be no changing it. I can be quite stubborn like that. I know what is best for me. Not some person I have only met once, or maybe have not met at all.
I am sick of them saying "You're and intelligent person, you should know how things work". What is that supposed to mean? I wonder if they tell that to everyone. Probably. I don't see how intelligence has anything to do with how I feel.
So when they come round tomorrow I am going to tell them. No more thanks!
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
I Wish I Hadn't Said Anything
Went to see Sam earlier. She asked me what was going through my head. I told her. She asked if I had a plan and I said I did. But I wouldn't tell her anymore. I couldn't. I said I hadn't even written about it on here. And I haven't. It's my thing that I keep to myself. She asked what I was scared of and I said being stopped. Sam had actually said for us to get anywhere I would need to tell her about it and I said I couldn't. I said to her I was more scared of going in to hospital than I was of dying. So she said she couldn't just leave it at that and she would need to speak to The Directors and also Crisis Team. Shit!
She asked what I was worried and that in me telling her shows I have come a long way. I don't feel like it. I said I was worried about her breaking confidentiality. She rationalised with me saying that before when she had to break it, it was all ran past me first and she wouldn't do anything behind my back. In her breaking it last time in the long run it was for my advantage as uni were aware and I got extenuating circumstances on work etc. She explained that although I may not feel like it's in my best interests that it would be (personally I still can't see it).
So we talked about it for quite a while and I was trying not to cry. She said we needed to formulate a plan. She had written up previously a pros and cons sheet of the CAT team and of counselling...
Here is what I came up with...
CAT Team Pros.
- Medication
- Referrals to other services if needed. EG - Clinical Psychology and CPN.
Cons
- He ( as in Dr T) will tell me I am feeling something I am not
- Impersonal and Clinical
- Can't really talk about feelings and thoughts
- Can be challenging
- Get frustrated and pissed off with it
- Don't feel as though I am being listened to
- Come away feeling worse than before
- Get the feeling my thoughts and feelings are being ignored
- He invalidates my feelings
- He will ignore bits of what I am telling him ( last time I told him I had suicidal thoughts)
- Information I tell people gets misinterpreted or they are informed wrong.
Counselling Pros
- Have my feelings validated
- Being able to discuss feelings without feeling abnormal
- I have a good relationship with Sam
- I can be more open and honest with Sam than I can with anyone.
- Sam can read how I am feeling.
- It feels as though someone understands how I feel.
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings
Cons
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings
So while I was coming up with these Sam was on the phone. She called Beth (the/my CPN who is now my CCO). Beth said she wanted to speak to me so she then arranged to call me on my phone. She called me on my mobile while I was with Sam. She said Sam was really worried about me. She asked me lots of questions. She asked why I had told Sam. I said I didn't really tell her but she asked if I was still feeling the same and if I had a plan. And I just said yes. I said to Beth that I wish I hadn't said anything. She asked me if I would be willing to meet with her and the Crisis team today and I said I didn't really have a choice in it so I would.
Anyway, Beth called Crisis Team and said someone from Crisis team and herself would be at my house for 4pm. It was 3.25pm and in town still with Sam. Sam said to me she was more than worried about me and she cared about me a great deal. She said we had a good relationship and she cared about what happened. So on the way out Sam gave me a hug and told me it would be ok and things will work out if I work with people. Sam is an amazing person and she ended up cancelling appointments so that she could spend more time with me this afternoon.
So a rush in to Tesco to get some cigs and then rushed home. Managed to get home and get the dirty pots moved and some air freshener sprayed around. I just thought of some of the houses I visited on my first placement and thought anything is an improvement on those, so they had probably seen a hell of a lot worse.
So Beth turns up with a guy from Crisis team called Matt. He was quite cute actually. Embarrassing.
Beth did most the talking at first. She asked what was going off and how long I had felt like this so I explained to her I had been feeling depressed since the failed attempt, but, I had been having suicidal thoughts for a long time. She asked why I had agreed to meet them if I was so intent on my plans. I said that if I didn't feel as though I had much choice as I would imagine that if I didn't agree they would send the police and they would make me go to hospital on a 136 if I was out when they found me or get a 135 so they could do a MHA. She asked me what I thought the outcome of the MHA would be and I said if I had said what I had said to them and said to them that I could make no guarantees about keeping safe then I would be sectioned.
She asked me if I would consider going in to hospital on an informal basis and I said no. She asked why and I said I had worked in the local big hospital and knew staff and was no way I could go there. She then said they could get an out of area bed and I still said no. I knew what the wards were like, noisy, busy, not nice places. No space for myself, shared rooms, lots of people asking questions. My idea of hell. I need my own space. I can't imagine anything worse than being there in hospital.
They said that they were probably looking at a MHA as I couldn't guarantee that I would be ok until Friday. I said it wasn't in my plans to but I was struggling to hold it together at the moment. I still wouldn't tell them when my plans were. They kept going on and on at me saying that if I was unwilling to work with them then they would be getting people for MHA. I said calling Crisis Team hadn't worked so that was why I didn't want to work with them. I said I wouldn't be calling them again.
I don't know why I just can't lie. Why can't I tell them that "yup, I will call them, I don't have plans anymore etc etc etc". I think it's because lies take effort and energy. Effort and energy I don't have. I don't have the energy in me to hide it. I don't want people involved.
I kept saying over and over how I shouldn't have said anything. I wished I could just be left to get on with things. Beth said that I had said it now and they had a duty of care etc etc etc. That it couldn't be ignored.
Matt asked me a few questions like how long I had been feeling like this, and was backing up what Beth was saying.
They kept asking if I would go informally and I said no.
Anyway, they then said that they needed to have a chat and call a few people so they left the house for a few minutes. I was certain, because I wasn't going to commit to working with them as I have lost my inability to lie that they would come back in saying I needed to have a MHA. But...
They came back in saying that they didn't feel putting me through a MHA would be beneficial to me (as it would probably end up putting me under section) and that I needed to work with them. They said it was my choice whether or not I complied with them. I said I didn't want to and what would happen if I didn't. They didn't say much just that they would cross that bridge if it came to it.
They asked what I would do for the rest of the day and said I should try and do some uni work. I said I didn't really care about that anymore as the only plans I had were to die. I really keep digging myself a hole don't I? I have lost all my fight. I have become the nightmare patient.
Matt asked about my sleeping and I said it wasn't great. He asked last time I had sleeping pills. I said the last time I was prescribed them was about two years ago, but the last time I had them was in Asia last year where you can get them over the counter. I said I didn't have any left. He said he would contact the on call doctor and get some for me. He said it may not be tonight but he would get some arranged.
So they went. Thankfully. I didn't know what else to say. The whole time they were here I couldn't look them in the eye when talking to them. I was reserved, quiet and not like me. I was nervous, I was terrified.
So he has arranged to come out on Friday morning at 10am. He said I need to keep myself safe until then. And call them.
He phoned me again about an hour after they left and said that he was not able to get the zopiclone for tonight but he would get them tomorrow and he would phone me tomorrow and arrange to drop them round.
So how do I feel about it all? I really wish I had not said anything, I feel paranoid that they are going to arrange a MHA and not tell me. Cos to be quite honest if they did I am out of here. I know I would not pass one. I would do a runner and go live in my car somewhere until it's time to go ahead with the plan. So I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't say anything and arranged it. I am expecting a knock at my door any time. But I still have my plans. I am planning on carrying them out just as I planned to. Then none of this will matter!
She asked what I was worried and that in me telling her shows I have come a long way. I don't feel like it. I said I was worried about her breaking confidentiality. She rationalised with me saying that before when she had to break it, it was all ran past me first and she wouldn't do anything behind my back. In her breaking it last time in the long run it was for my advantage as uni were aware and I got extenuating circumstances on work etc. She explained that although I may not feel like it's in my best interests that it would be (personally I still can't see it).
So we talked about it for quite a while and I was trying not to cry. She said we needed to formulate a plan. She had written up previously a pros and cons sheet of the CAT team and of counselling...
Here is what I came up with...
CAT Team Pros.
- Medication
- Referrals to other services if needed. EG - Clinical Psychology and CPN.
Cons
- He ( as in Dr T) will tell me I am feeling something I am not
- Impersonal and Clinical
- Can't really talk about feelings and thoughts
- Can be challenging
- Get frustrated and pissed off with it
- Don't feel as though I am being listened to
- Come away feeling worse than before
- Get the feeling my thoughts and feelings are being ignored
- He invalidates my feelings
- He will ignore bits of what I am telling him ( last time I told him I had suicidal thoughts)
- Information I tell people gets misinterpreted or they are informed wrong.
Counselling Pros
- Have my feelings validated
- Being able to discuss feelings without feeling abnormal
- I have a good relationship with Sam
- I can be more open and honest with Sam than I can with anyone.
- Sam can read how I am feeling.
- It feels as though someone understands how I feel.
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings
Cons
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings
So while I was coming up with these Sam was on the phone. She called Beth (the/my CPN who is now my CCO). Beth said she wanted to speak to me so she then arranged to call me on my phone. She called me on my mobile while I was with Sam. She said Sam was really worried about me. She asked me lots of questions. She asked why I had told Sam. I said I didn't really tell her but she asked if I was still feeling the same and if I had a plan. And I just said yes. I said to Beth that I wish I hadn't said anything. She asked me if I would be willing to meet with her and the Crisis team today and I said I didn't really have a choice in it so I would.
Anyway, Beth called Crisis Team and said someone from Crisis team and herself would be at my house for 4pm. It was 3.25pm and in town still with Sam. Sam said to me she was more than worried about me and she cared about me a great deal. She said we had a good relationship and she cared about what happened. So on the way out Sam gave me a hug and told me it would be ok and things will work out if I work with people. Sam is an amazing person and she ended up cancelling appointments so that she could spend more time with me this afternoon.
So a rush in to Tesco to get some cigs and then rushed home. Managed to get home and get the dirty pots moved and some air freshener sprayed around. I just thought of some of the houses I visited on my first placement and thought anything is an improvement on those, so they had probably seen a hell of a lot worse.
So Beth turns up with a guy from Crisis team called Matt. He was quite cute actually. Embarrassing.
Beth did most the talking at first. She asked what was going off and how long I had felt like this so I explained to her I had been feeling depressed since the failed attempt, but, I had been having suicidal thoughts for a long time. She asked why I had agreed to meet them if I was so intent on my plans. I said that if I didn't feel as though I had much choice as I would imagine that if I didn't agree they would send the police and they would make me go to hospital on a 136 if I was out when they found me or get a 135 so they could do a MHA. She asked me what I thought the outcome of the MHA would be and I said if I had said what I had said to them and said to them that I could make no guarantees about keeping safe then I would be sectioned.
She asked me if I would consider going in to hospital on an informal basis and I said no. She asked why and I said I had worked in the local big hospital and knew staff and was no way I could go there. She then said they could get an out of area bed and I still said no. I knew what the wards were like, noisy, busy, not nice places. No space for myself, shared rooms, lots of people asking questions. My idea of hell. I need my own space. I can't imagine anything worse than being there in hospital.
They said that they were probably looking at a MHA as I couldn't guarantee that I would be ok until Friday. I said it wasn't in my plans to but I was struggling to hold it together at the moment. I still wouldn't tell them when my plans were. They kept going on and on at me saying that if I was unwilling to work with them then they would be getting people for MHA. I said calling Crisis Team hadn't worked so that was why I didn't want to work with them. I said I wouldn't be calling them again.
I don't know why I just can't lie. Why can't I tell them that "yup, I will call them, I don't have plans anymore etc etc etc". I think it's because lies take effort and energy. Effort and energy I don't have. I don't have the energy in me to hide it. I don't want people involved.
I kept saying over and over how I shouldn't have said anything. I wished I could just be left to get on with things. Beth said that I had said it now and they had a duty of care etc etc etc. That it couldn't be ignored.
Matt asked me a few questions like how long I had been feeling like this, and was backing up what Beth was saying.
They kept asking if I would go informally and I said no.
Anyway, they then said that they needed to have a chat and call a few people so they left the house for a few minutes. I was certain, because I wasn't going to commit to working with them as I have lost my inability to lie that they would come back in saying I needed to have a MHA. But...
They came back in saying that they didn't feel putting me through a MHA would be beneficial to me (as it would probably end up putting me under section) and that I needed to work with them. They said it was my choice whether or not I complied with them. I said I didn't want to and what would happen if I didn't. They didn't say much just that they would cross that bridge if it came to it.
They asked what I would do for the rest of the day and said I should try and do some uni work. I said I didn't really care about that anymore as the only plans I had were to die. I really keep digging myself a hole don't I? I have lost all my fight. I have become the nightmare patient.
Matt asked about my sleeping and I said it wasn't great. He asked last time I had sleeping pills. I said the last time I was prescribed them was about two years ago, but the last time I had them was in Asia last year where you can get them over the counter. I said I didn't have any left. He said he would contact the on call doctor and get some for me. He said it may not be tonight but he would get some arranged.
So they went. Thankfully. I didn't know what else to say. The whole time they were here I couldn't look them in the eye when talking to them. I was reserved, quiet and not like me. I was nervous, I was terrified.
So he has arranged to come out on Friday morning at 10am. He said I need to keep myself safe until then. And call them.
He phoned me again about an hour after they left and said that he was not able to get the zopiclone for tonight but he would get them tomorrow and he would phone me tomorrow and arrange to drop them round.
So how do I feel about it all? I really wish I had not said anything, I feel paranoid that they are going to arrange a MHA and not tell me. Cos to be quite honest if they did I am out of here. I know I would not pass one. I would do a runner and go live in my car somewhere until it's time to go ahead with the plan. So I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't say anything and arranged it. I am expecting a knock at my door any time. But I still have my plans. I am planning on carrying them out just as I planned to. Then none of this will matter!
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
Waste Of Time
So I called back again like I was told to. Firstly I was transferred to the switch board of the main hospital and had to be asked to be transferred. Spoke to someone called Helen. She was on the night team. The team I spoke to before, had finished.
Basically, I was told it was my decision. It was my choice what I did. And... to take a bath, go for a walk, make a phone call and not use the Internet to research if I took ... what would it do. I know if I took enough of the prescription meds that I have in the house it would work. I know that as I have been stock piling them knowing that they will cause me to go in to a hypo if I take enough. Anyway.
I was told I needed to distract myself. Queue crying as I have been trying that and it's not practical advice. So, I am in more of a mess than I was before.
I told her why I called tonight was because I had plans for another night and tonight wasn't right for me. She didn't really say much. Just that she would fax the CPN, Beth, and let her know I had called.
But, I can say I tried Crisis team. It didn't work and I won't be using them again. I can't see the point. I'm going to try taking triple dose of Quetiapine and hope it knocks me out for the night. If I take the triple dose it's only just over the maximum daily dose. So no big deal. But hopefully it will knock me out.
Even letting isn't helping tonight. It can sometimes make me feel calmer and relaxed but it was just frustrating me as couldn't get a decent vein and when I did it clotted really quickly. Going to get some aspirin tomorrow.
But, I can say I called and that I didn't find it useful. I kinda knew what they would say before I called as they were all the type of things that I would say to patients who came to me and told me they were suicidal. So, I shouldn't have expected much really.
I think the only thing that will work for me tonight is actually something to knock me out. I need a diazepam or a zopiclone but I don't have any. And it's not as though they can just bring one round for me either is it. And there is no way I am going down to the hospital, even if it is only a 10 minute walk away. But it wasn't even suggested anyway.
So it's going to be me self medicating. I just hope that works. I am going to take them now and hopefully in an hour I will be snoring away!
x
Basically, I was told it was my decision. It was my choice what I did. And... to take a bath, go for a walk, make a phone call and not use the Internet to research if I took ... what would it do. I know if I took enough of the prescription meds that I have in the house it would work. I know that as I have been stock piling them knowing that they will cause me to go in to a hypo if I take enough. Anyway.
I was told I needed to distract myself. Queue crying as I have been trying that and it's not practical advice. So, I am in more of a mess than I was before.
I told her why I called tonight was because I had plans for another night and tonight wasn't right for me. She didn't really say much. Just that she would fax the CPN, Beth, and let her know I had called.
But, I can say I tried Crisis team. It didn't work and I won't be using them again. I can't see the point. I'm going to try taking triple dose of Quetiapine and hope it knocks me out for the night. If I take the triple dose it's only just over the maximum daily dose. So no big deal. But hopefully it will knock me out.
Even letting isn't helping tonight. It can sometimes make me feel calmer and relaxed but it was just frustrating me as couldn't get a decent vein and when I did it clotted really quickly. Going to get some aspirin tomorrow.
But, I can say I called and that I didn't find it useful. I kinda knew what they would say before I called as they were all the type of things that I would say to patients who came to me and told me they were suicidal. So, I shouldn't have expected much really.
I think the only thing that will work for me tonight is actually something to knock me out. I need a diazepam or a zopiclone but I don't have any. And it's not as though they can just bring one round for me either is it. And there is no way I am going down to the hospital, even if it is only a 10 minute walk away. But it wasn't even suggested anyway.
So it's going to be me self medicating. I just hope that works. I am going to take them now and hopefully in an hour I will be snoring away!
x
I Called
I am going to try and keep this updated as I go through the night. It's a good distraction for me to write...
So I called and spent 30 minutes on the phone. I have to call back in an hour..
The woman was nice. She just said a long the lines of that I may be struggling but there is something in me that makes me not want to. I didn't tell her that was because I was planning and had made plans for another night.
Basically she wants me to call her back in an hour. I told her I tried all the things said. I said I would watch Holby City for the next hour.
I have gathered the needs to try again tonight but it goes against my plans.
I don't know why I am so set on the particular night. I know if I attempt tonight me not turning up to appointments with Sam tomorrow will raise concerns. She knows how I am feeling so she would probably end up calling police if I didn't turn up and didn't answer phone.
So I want to keep my plans for the same. Also. It's planned. I feel easy about it. I don't feel easy about tonight.
EDIT @ 20.20 -
The TV is not really helping distract me. I think the needles are called for.
So I called and spent 30 minutes on the phone. I have to call back in an hour..
The woman was nice. She just said a long the lines of that I may be struggling but there is something in me that makes me not want to. I didn't tell her that was because I was planning and had made plans for another night.
Basically she wants me to call her back in an hour. I told her I tried all the things said. I said I would watch Holby City for the next hour.
I have gathered the needs to try again tonight but it goes against my plans.
I don't know why I am so set on the particular night. I know if I attempt tonight me not turning up to appointments with Sam tomorrow will raise concerns. She knows how I am feeling so she would probably end up calling police if I didn't turn up and didn't answer phone.
So I want to keep my plans for the same. Also. It's planned. I feel easy about it. I don't feel easy about tonight.
EDIT @ 20.20 -
The TV is not really helping distract me. I think the needles are called for.
Crisis Team
I am contemplating calling. I have just turned the house upside down looking for prescription meds. Not a good sign really. But before I called I wanted to know what people's experiences of Crisis team in the UK was and what they are likely to do if you call them when you are feeling suicidal. I don't want to call them if all they are going to suggest is take a walk or have a bath.
Please comment on this one.
xxx
Please comment on this one.
xxx
Don't Know What to Do With Myself
Hi,
I'm really struggling at the moment. I don't know what to do with myself. I am having a Pajama day today and I can't relax. I don't know what to do. I try and watch TV but it is not sinking in. I have tried to read, but I can't concentrate on it. I try and write but my words aren't coming out very well. I keep picking up my phone to call someone but I am not sure who to call. I have been given peoples numbers but I can't do anything about it.
The reason I am struggling? Because I have a plan for in a few days, not tonight. So how do I tell someone that? I can't really can I? The reason I won't do it today is because if I leave it until the day I have planned there is more time that will pass without anyone realising that I am not around. So I know it will work. I need the time. So I can't pick up the phone and say I want to kill myself, but the reason I am calling you and I haven't in the past is because I have a plan and doing it now would go against my plans.
I've just realised I have opened this with Hi. I don't know who I am writing it to. No one in particular. I don't even know why I have written this.
I am going to have a shower see if that makes me feel any different. If not then I suppose I can consider Crisis Team. See what they can do.
Thanks
Bye
I'm really struggling at the moment. I don't know what to do with myself. I am having a Pajama day today and I can't relax. I don't know what to do. I try and watch TV but it is not sinking in. I have tried to read, but I can't concentrate on it. I try and write but my words aren't coming out very well. I keep picking up my phone to call someone but I am not sure who to call. I have been given peoples numbers but I can't do anything about it.
The reason I am struggling? Because I have a plan for in a few days, not tonight. So how do I tell someone that? I can't really can I? The reason I won't do it today is because if I leave it until the day I have planned there is more time that will pass without anyone realising that I am not around. So I know it will work. I need the time. So I can't pick up the phone and say I want to kill myself, but the reason I am calling you and I haven't in the past is because I have a plan and doing it now would go against my plans.
I've just realised I have opened this with Hi. I don't know who I am writing it to. No one in particular. I don't even know why I have written this.
I am going to have a shower see if that makes me feel any different. If not then I suppose I can consider Crisis Team. See what they can do.
Thanks
Bye
Monday, 1 August 2011
I Have A Lot To Say, I'm Just Not Sure How To Say It.
I've had a week off from blogging as I was away. I missed it. I felt the need to write. Especially as the week was far from relaxing and in the end I could not wait to get home. That's not to say I hated it all. I had a nice time with my brother and his family, but my Dad ruined it for me.
There have only been two people in my life that have been able to make me regress back to a moody teenager. That's Gom and my Dad. The arguments I have with my Dad that make me want to pick something up and throw it at him. I was the same with Gom. I did used to throw things at him though, but he did it to me also. There were a few times with Gom where he would retaliate and throw something back or hit me back also. Those times I probably deserved it. But there were times where he would throw something at me (numerous occasions) or when he would hit me first, or not as what could possibly be classed self defence. Those times only happened on about 4 occasions. The first time I did call the police. I was hysterical as of what he had done and it was me that they threatened with a Section 5. It was me that had to leave the house, as Gom owned it. Gom was calm and rational with them. I wasn't. And I wasn't going to bring charges against him. It was around the time I first started self harming so I had a feeling that if the police got wind of that in their investigations then I would be made to look the irrational, crazy one with a temper and emotional issues. And, although I was scared for my safety at the time, I was more scared of losing him. I suppose that's pretty typical though. A month or so after this happened I had a missed call and a voice mail from the police saying they had looked in to it and they would not be taking any further action and they didn't feel that I was at risk.
Anyway, that is not really relevant to where I was going with this post.
But my Dad, he infuriates me so much. He is a chauvinistic pig who believes that everyone should run round after him. He talks to people like shit and if he upsets them then it's their problem and they should not be so sensitive. If someone upsets him, even with the truth, he will go in to a mood for days on end, being really off with all family members and has a every one is against me attitude. He drives me insane. The other day I was at my brothers camp site as I stayed with them for a few nights and he was there getting everyone running around after him. Not once did he get up and get his own drink. My brother got them all for him. He told me to go get him one and my brother stood up for me saying GP is not drinking so why should she go and run around after you. I said that right also, he told me to. Not ask. He has no respect for anyone. Then he layed in to me really loudly on the campsite saying I don't do anything for him, I am lazy and I will never get a boyfriend with the attitude I had. My brother kind of layed in to him for it saying he shouldn't speak to me like that and my Dad's attitude was I shouldn't be so sensitive and I should just deal with it.
My Dad is the same with my Mum. He wont do anything. If he wants something he will get my Mum to go get it for him. All you can hear is "get me this", "get me that", "just go there and get that". It drives me mad. I believe that relationships should be equal, not so one sided. I honestly don't know why my Mum hasn't left him as if he spoke to me like that all the time then I wouldn't stick around if I was his wife.
So it came to a head this morning and he layed in to me again. I just blew up at him saying he stood need to talk as he was the most chauvinistic person I had met and he needed to have a personality transplant as he was vile. He called me childish and told me to grow up. I slammed a door and walked off. If it wasn't for the fact I was relying on them for a lift to the airport I would have buggered off for the day. And the thing is when I am angry I cry. I can't contain it. I hate people seeing me cry as worry people will see it as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is in other people but I hate people to see me cry or to know I have been crying.
I called Sam when I got back to England. I still had a 6 hour travelling time a head of me. She had called me this morning as I had accidentally called her number Friday evening. It's the first number in my phone and the phone doesn't automatically lock. So she called me to check in that everything was ok. I called her back but it went to voice mail and I left a message explaining it was a mistake and I hadn't meant to call her at 10pm on a Friday evening. I also asked her in the voicemail if she could let me know what had been said in the last week with the different services involved.
She called me back quite quickly. The first thing she said was that I sounded really pissed off and down in my message. I explained to her that I was ill (because of my not sleeping at night for the past week and also being up at about 7am every morning, an drinking most nights (actually I left the drinking bit out), I have come down with a cold, it's quite normal for me to get colds and coughs when I have periods of not sleeping and being tired, I think my immune system must be lowered), I was pissed off as of the arguments that morning and I still had a lot of travelling to do. I said I just felt like I could break down crying. I tend to get more emotional when I am tired and ill. She said I could probably do with a good cry. I said that it probably wouldn't do me any favours to be sitting in a waiting room at International Airport and just break down in tears. I said I would probably get a few weird looks. She said go off and find a quiet corner and I said I don't do crying in public. I don't really do crying. Unless it's a film, TV or something like that, or if I am angry. I started to break down a bit on the phone and had to pull my self back.
So, the reason I actually started this post was to talk about the next bit. So sorry if you have gone through all this waffle to now. But I suppose I was just building a picture.
I told Sam that I had thought a bit about the attempt that I made two weeks ago. I said to her that I didn't feel any different and I was still feeling a lot of regret that it didn't work. Which is true. I didn't tell her I am making more plans and I have a day in mind. She asked me if I could go in to a counselling session on Wednesday. I thought she was away on holiday for the next few weeks. Obviously, over the phone is not a good place to be talking about those feelings. Especially given that I was in an airport. So I am going to see her on Wednesday.
I feel as though I have so much to say, but I don't really know what to say and how to say it.
I do wish that my attempt had worked. I have said that much. But. I will do it again. I know when I will do it again also. But that kind of information is enough to get me locked up, so that wont be going any further. I wont lie to her if she asks me. I will ask her what the ramifications of me telling her if I was planning. But then not answer.
She said that what I was feeling about my day was pretty normal, as anyone would be pissed off and worn out with it all. But she said I should think about giving Crisis Team a heads up. I have been referred to them again and I have said that I would think about calling them before things got to that stage again. I have got a lot of people behind me now. But, I don't want them. I have the CPN again who has written to me saying from the end of August I will see her rather than Dr T as there is nothing else that he would do. Sam said she is going to take on the role of CCO. The CPN in the letter said that she had spoken to Sam and was apparent I was struggling at the moment. She said Dr T had made the referral to Crisis team should I need them so that they have relevant information. She has asked Sam to discuss with me what she as CPN can do and what I want her to do. But, if I did not need her or felt I couldn't use her or wanted to wait then that would be fine.
I also have the clinical psychologist working with Sam for me.
I said to Sam, in theory it's great. But I struggle to call in anyone when I should probably be calling them in. I won't talk to anyone. I even struggle to talk to Sam. What makes it easier with her is she can read my body language and tone and she knows how I am feeling. That makes it a bit easier with her when she will say, you look this are you feeling that. And usually she will be spot on and it makes it easier to discuss things. But. I know I should probably be open and honest about this next attempt. But, it's something I want to do. I don't want to be stopped. So I know, I am not going to call in anyone on it. I have all those people offering support but I can't seem to take it.
I think the only time I would possibly call on Crisis team is if I was struggling to hold on until my planned attempt date. I suppose though that that is not really what they are there for. They are there to be phone now, now when I am planning this and I should probably be stopped but I wont.
I have quite a lot of things worrying me at the moment also. That can't help really can it? I am ignoring quite big things as I can't deal with them. But they need dealing with. I need someone to take over my life for me. To organise me, There are a few pressing things that are quite urgent that need to be dealt with but I ignore it as I can't do anything about it. I can't deal with official things at the moment. It is something I could bring up with Sam. She may be able to offer me practicle advice. Although, I think I know what I need to do. And, what does it matter when I am planning on not being around to deal with it anyway.
This has turned in to a really long post so I am going to leave it there. And I am falling asleep with the lap top on my knee.
Night All...
xxx
I am so glad to be home and have my own space again. It's so nice having the house to myself. The quiet is lovely.
There have only been two people in my life that have been able to make me regress back to a moody teenager. That's Gom and my Dad. The arguments I have with my Dad that make me want to pick something up and throw it at him. I was the same with Gom. I did used to throw things at him though, but he did it to me also. There were a few times with Gom where he would retaliate and throw something back or hit me back also. Those times I probably deserved it. But there were times where he would throw something at me (numerous occasions) or when he would hit me first, or not as what could possibly be classed self defence. Those times only happened on about 4 occasions. The first time I did call the police. I was hysterical as of what he had done and it was me that they threatened with a Section 5. It was me that had to leave the house, as Gom owned it. Gom was calm and rational with them. I wasn't. And I wasn't going to bring charges against him. It was around the time I first started self harming so I had a feeling that if the police got wind of that in their investigations then I would be made to look the irrational, crazy one with a temper and emotional issues. And, although I was scared for my safety at the time, I was more scared of losing him. I suppose that's pretty typical though. A month or so after this happened I had a missed call and a voice mail from the police saying they had looked in to it and they would not be taking any further action and they didn't feel that I was at risk.
Anyway, that is not really relevant to where I was going with this post.
But my Dad, he infuriates me so much. He is a chauvinistic pig who believes that everyone should run round after him. He talks to people like shit and if he upsets them then it's their problem and they should not be so sensitive. If someone upsets him, even with the truth, he will go in to a mood for days on end, being really off with all family members and has a every one is against me attitude. He drives me insane. The other day I was at my brothers camp site as I stayed with them for a few nights and he was there getting everyone running around after him. Not once did he get up and get his own drink. My brother got them all for him. He told me to go get him one and my brother stood up for me saying GP is not drinking so why should she go and run around after you. I said that right also, he told me to. Not ask. He has no respect for anyone. Then he layed in to me really loudly on the campsite saying I don't do anything for him, I am lazy and I will never get a boyfriend with the attitude I had. My brother kind of layed in to him for it saying he shouldn't speak to me like that and my Dad's attitude was I shouldn't be so sensitive and I should just deal with it.
My Dad is the same with my Mum. He wont do anything. If he wants something he will get my Mum to go get it for him. All you can hear is "get me this", "get me that", "just go there and get that". It drives me mad. I believe that relationships should be equal, not so one sided. I honestly don't know why my Mum hasn't left him as if he spoke to me like that all the time then I wouldn't stick around if I was his wife.
So it came to a head this morning and he layed in to me again. I just blew up at him saying he stood need to talk as he was the most chauvinistic person I had met and he needed to have a personality transplant as he was vile. He called me childish and told me to grow up. I slammed a door and walked off. If it wasn't for the fact I was relying on them for a lift to the airport I would have buggered off for the day. And the thing is when I am angry I cry. I can't contain it. I hate people seeing me cry as worry people will see it as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is in other people but I hate people to see me cry or to know I have been crying.
I called Sam when I got back to England. I still had a 6 hour travelling time a head of me. She had called me this morning as I had accidentally called her number Friday evening. It's the first number in my phone and the phone doesn't automatically lock. So she called me to check in that everything was ok. I called her back but it went to voice mail and I left a message explaining it was a mistake and I hadn't meant to call her at 10pm on a Friday evening. I also asked her in the voicemail if she could let me know what had been said in the last week with the different services involved.
She called me back quite quickly. The first thing she said was that I sounded really pissed off and down in my message. I explained to her that I was ill (because of my not sleeping at night for the past week and also being up at about 7am every morning, an drinking most nights (actually I left the drinking bit out), I have come down with a cold, it's quite normal for me to get colds and coughs when I have periods of not sleeping and being tired, I think my immune system must be lowered), I was pissed off as of the arguments that morning and I still had a lot of travelling to do. I said I just felt like I could break down crying. I tend to get more emotional when I am tired and ill. She said I could probably do with a good cry. I said that it probably wouldn't do me any favours to be sitting in a waiting room at International Airport and just break down in tears. I said I would probably get a few weird looks. She said go off and find a quiet corner and I said I don't do crying in public. I don't really do crying. Unless it's a film, TV or something like that, or if I am angry. I started to break down a bit on the phone and had to pull my self back.
So, the reason I actually started this post was to talk about the next bit. So sorry if you have gone through all this waffle to now. But I suppose I was just building a picture.
I told Sam that I had thought a bit about the attempt that I made two weeks ago. I said to her that I didn't feel any different and I was still feeling a lot of regret that it didn't work. Which is true. I didn't tell her I am making more plans and I have a day in mind. She asked me if I could go in to a counselling session on Wednesday. I thought she was away on holiday for the next few weeks. Obviously, over the phone is not a good place to be talking about those feelings. Especially given that I was in an airport. So I am going to see her on Wednesday.
I feel as though I have so much to say, but I don't really know what to say and how to say it.
I do wish that my attempt had worked. I have said that much. But. I will do it again. I know when I will do it again also. But that kind of information is enough to get me locked up, so that wont be going any further. I wont lie to her if she asks me. I will ask her what the ramifications of me telling her if I was planning. But then not answer.
She said that what I was feeling about my day was pretty normal, as anyone would be pissed off and worn out with it all. But she said I should think about giving Crisis Team a heads up. I have been referred to them again and I have said that I would think about calling them before things got to that stage again. I have got a lot of people behind me now. But, I don't want them. I have the CPN again who has written to me saying from the end of August I will see her rather than Dr T as there is nothing else that he would do. Sam said she is going to take on the role of CCO. The CPN in the letter said that she had spoken to Sam and was apparent I was struggling at the moment. She said Dr T had made the referral to Crisis team should I need them so that they have relevant information. She has asked Sam to discuss with me what she as CPN can do and what I want her to do. But, if I did not need her or felt I couldn't use her or wanted to wait then that would be fine.
I also have the clinical psychologist working with Sam for me.
I said to Sam, in theory it's great. But I struggle to call in anyone when I should probably be calling them in. I won't talk to anyone. I even struggle to talk to Sam. What makes it easier with her is she can read my body language and tone and she knows how I am feeling. That makes it a bit easier with her when she will say, you look this are you feeling that. And usually she will be spot on and it makes it easier to discuss things. But. I know I should probably be open and honest about this next attempt. But, it's something I want to do. I don't want to be stopped. So I know, I am not going to call in anyone on it. I have all those people offering support but I can't seem to take it.
I think the only time I would possibly call on Crisis team is if I was struggling to hold on until my planned attempt date. I suppose though that that is not really what they are there for. They are there to be phone now, now when I am planning this and I should probably be stopped but I wont.
I have quite a lot of things worrying me at the moment also. That can't help really can it? I am ignoring quite big things as I can't deal with them. But they need dealing with. I need someone to take over my life for me. To organise me, There are a few pressing things that are quite urgent that need to be dealt with but I ignore it as I can't do anything about it. I can't deal with official things at the moment. It is something I could bring up with Sam. She may be able to offer me practicle advice. Although, I think I know what I need to do. And, what does it matter when I am planning on not being around to deal with it anyway.
This has turned in to a really long post so I am going to leave it there. And I am falling asleep with the lap top on my knee.
Night All...
xxx
I am so glad to be home and have my own space again. It's so nice having the house to myself. The quiet is lovely.
Saturday, 23 July 2011
Letter From DPM to Dr T and GP
Here is a letter I have received from the person I saw from Psychological Medicine.
Dear Dr T,
I assessed GP on the ward at the hospital on the 20/07/11. She had been admitted at aprox 1am on the 19/07/11 following a planned suicide attempt. She told me she did not know how she had got to the hospital but the ED notes indicate she was found in a bus shelter by an ambulance crew after a phone call had been received by them. When she was found her GCS was 3 and remained at a lower consciousness level for approximately 10-11 hours after the event. GP told me she had the intent to die and once she had made the decision to attempt she felt calm and wanted it to work.
Mental Health History
GP told me she was under the care of the CAT team and the counselling service. She told me she is currently being treated with Quetiapine 400mg. She sees Sam at the counselling service for therapy sessions and was last seen on the 8/07/11 (the day of the attempt) by Dr T. She told me she self harmed about 5 times per month (it's actually a week, she got that bit wrong) by blood letting with a needle. However, she said that for the past 4 months she had been feeling "suicidal" and that her moods can drop for long periods of time. She told me she had attempted on Monday as she had the opportunity to do it whilst her parents were away. I believe GP has attempted a number of times in the past and she told me earlier this year she was placed on a S136 after telling people she was suicidal.
Mental State
At the assessment GP appeared coherent, rational and was able to express her self well. She appeared reactive in mood and told me she had not been feeling depressed recently. She told me she is a Masters student and plans to be a mental health social worker and was up to date with her work. She told me she continues to have periods of what she describes as dysthymia, when her mood can drop for long periods of time and she will have more active suicidal thoughts. She described feeling that during periods of time when her family are with her she is more able to control and manages these thoughts, also she can distract herself by keeping busy with uni work. GP denied feeling depressed at the present time. GP told me the self harm thoughts can come on very quickly and create a sense of agitation and distress, she told me that once she had made the decision to act on the thoughts, she feels more calm and that once the decision has been made she cannot then control it. She told me she could "not guarantee" that she would not attempt again. She told me she had no active plan or intent to self harm again over the next few weeks as she planned to spend time with her brother and his family and had plans to go to France next week. She also had plans to finish her coursework and see her boyfriend (I don't know how many times I have said he is not my boyfriend but a guy I am seeing).
GP agreed that her risk of self harm remained high and she is aware of the risk of death due to her current self harm behaviour. We discussed the need for her to identify the triggers to her more serious self harm behaviour at an earlier stage and to use the resources available to her to try and prevent her acting on thoughts.
GP did not want to be admitted to hospital and was very keen to be discharged home as she had plans for the evening. She told me she does not want to use the Crisis team number as she finds it difficult to discuss her feelings over the phone. She plans to continue with therapy and is willing to see you at another out patient appointment.
As discussed with you the following plan was agreed with GP
1) GP has been given the number of the mental health crisis team and I have encouraged her to use this if she starts to have thoughts of serious self harm.
2) I advised her in the absence of doing she could also self present at the ED and ask to speak to our team.
3) I advised her to keep the next outpatient appointment with you.
4) Advised her to keep next counselling appointment and she agreed I could phone her worker to discuss the situation.
So that's it. I got the feeling she got a bit mixed up with some of the things I said but on the whole it's not too bad. I don't know where people get that I am agitated from. I don't think I have ever said that. Dr T thinks that also. I wish in a way they would just tape record the appointment and provide a transcript. That way things that I have never said wouldn't be put there.
Oh well.
Dear Dr T,
I assessed GP on the ward at the hospital on the 20/07/11. She had been admitted at aprox 1am on the 19/07/11 following a planned suicide attempt. She told me she did not know how she had got to the hospital but the ED notes indicate she was found in a bus shelter by an ambulance crew after a phone call had been received by them. When she was found her GCS was 3 and remained at a lower consciousness level for approximately 10-11 hours after the event. GP told me she had the intent to die and once she had made the decision to attempt she felt calm and wanted it to work.
Mental Health History
GP told me she was under the care of the CAT team and the counselling service. She told me she is currently being treated with Quetiapine 400mg. She sees Sam at the counselling service for therapy sessions and was last seen on the 8/07/11 (the day of the attempt) by Dr T. She told me she self harmed about 5 times per month (it's actually a week, she got that bit wrong) by blood letting with a needle. However, she said that for the past 4 months she had been feeling "suicidal" and that her moods can drop for long periods of time. She told me she had attempted on Monday as she had the opportunity to do it whilst her parents were away. I believe GP has attempted a number of times in the past and she told me earlier this year she was placed on a S136 after telling people she was suicidal.
Mental State
At the assessment GP appeared coherent, rational and was able to express her self well. She appeared reactive in mood and told me she had not been feeling depressed recently. She told me she is a Masters student and plans to be a mental health social worker and was up to date with her work. She told me she continues to have periods of what she describes as dysthymia, when her mood can drop for long periods of time and she will have more active suicidal thoughts. She described feeling that during periods of time when her family are with her she is more able to control and manages these thoughts, also she can distract herself by keeping busy with uni work. GP denied feeling depressed at the present time. GP told me the self harm thoughts can come on very quickly and create a sense of agitation and distress, she told me that once she had made the decision to act on the thoughts, she feels more calm and that once the decision has been made she cannot then control it. She told me she could "not guarantee" that she would not attempt again. She told me she had no active plan or intent to self harm again over the next few weeks as she planned to spend time with her brother and his family and had plans to go to France next week. She also had plans to finish her coursework and see her boyfriend (I don't know how many times I have said he is not my boyfriend but a guy I am seeing).
GP agreed that her risk of self harm remained high and she is aware of the risk of death due to her current self harm behaviour. We discussed the need for her to identify the triggers to her more serious self harm behaviour at an earlier stage and to use the resources available to her to try and prevent her acting on thoughts.
GP did not want to be admitted to hospital and was very keen to be discharged home as she had plans for the evening. She told me she does not want to use the Crisis team number as she finds it difficult to discuss her feelings over the phone. She plans to continue with therapy and is willing to see you at another out patient appointment.
As discussed with you the following plan was agreed with GP
1) GP has been given the number of the mental health crisis team and I have encouraged her to use this if she starts to have thoughts of serious self harm.
2) I advised her in the absence of doing she could also self present at the ED and ask to speak to our team.
3) I advised her to keep the next outpatient appointment with you.
4) Advised her to keep next counselling appointment and she agreed I could phone her worker to discuss the situation.
So that's it. I got the feeling she got a bit mixed up with some of the things I said but on the whole it's not too bad. I don't know where people get that I am agitated from. I don't think I have ever said that. Dr T thinks that also. I wish in a way they would just tape record the appointment and provide a transcript. That way things that I have never said wouldn't be put there.
Oh well.
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