I had a days training today on alcohol. I was sort of hoping some would be involved. I was disappointed! I had driven anyway.
So. We spent a lot of time on something that I have actually been thinking a lot recently. I think I have blogged about it, if not I talked about it on SF. About me. I want medicating. If I can be medicated, it is medical, it can be fixed and it is easy. Bish Bash Bosh...here's some medication, you'll feel better in a few weeks. I want medication. I want to try 2 antidepressants at the same time.
This is obviously the medical approach to my not so sane-y-ness. I don't know what to call it. I feel it's more than depression as I am having delusional thoughts. Issues? But then issues doesn't quite fit in with my approach really does it? If you look at it with alcohol you are focusing on the physical conditions. With me...what I think to be hormone in balance, genetics (but then I have arguments against this also especially if you take in to account Broffenbremmer's work on this) as there have been a lot of people who have had mental health problems... my grand dad was sectioned...this was just after the 2nd world war and it was because he tried to kill himself. He suffered a lot with PTSD.
My Dad certainly has issues. I don't know what. But there is def some issues going on there. My aunty has issues also. This is just on my Dad's side (pretty screwed up family really...there's a whole story around that but I wont go in to it). But on my mums side my Nan had problems with depression. Never when I knew her. I say that though my mum said after my Grand dad died (I was only 1 so I don't remember him or what it was like when he was alive) my Nan was never the same. My mum said she became withdrawn. I loved her for who she was. I wished I had known the party animal side to her that I have heard of but I knew her and I adored her for who she was. Anyway, she also had problems with depression. This was before my Grand dad died.
Genetics also is taken in to account in the disease side. The disease approach says it is an addiction. This was told about the alcohol but self harm can be an addiction also can't it. I have been told my way in which I self harm can show that there is an addiction to it.
If both these approaches are taken with it and with myself it is an ideal of how I like to view it, then I suppose it takes ownership away from me. And to be honest that is how I want it. If it is disease or medical then there is nothing I can do about it. There is nothing I could have done to change the outcome. It was out of my control. I had no choice.
And then we have behavioural. This is where I am split. Here I am going to do my worst patient thing again, remove myself, and look at it from a professional capacity and not listen to professional advice.
So. Treatment. With both alcohol, drugs, self harm, what ever you want, I believe a behavioural approach needs to be taken when it comes to treatment. So you have an alcoholic, a drug addict, a self harmer; in the beginning there was some element of choice. That person chose to have a drink, they chose to go to the shop and buy that alcohol with the intention of getting pissed. I am not saying they chose to get addicted but initially they had some behavioural patterns that were through choice.
With the drug addict, that person made a choice somewhere down the line. Now people may have a go at me here. I understand that this is an area that people will not always agree on. My own head hurts because of it and thinking about it all day. I believe though somewhere along the way if the person had chosen differently then they could possibly have avoided the situation they are in now. Perhaps taking the drugs was the easy option because so much shit was going on it blocks it out. Perhaps a choice they made is that they don't want to deal with reality so they would prefer to be high on drugs. Who knows?
Self harm. There was a choice. Speak to someone about it. Speak to someone about how you feel and open up. Or self harm. It's a mislearnt coping mechanism. It is a behaviour you have learnt.
BUT... it goes past that part where you made those choices doesn't it?
So in treatment, medicating is all well and good but the underlying issue is not being treated. So while medication may be a quick fix. Is it not better to spend the money initially to save money in the future. If we just think about alcoholism (as it is what I have been doing about today), there is something that has gone on in that persons life that has made them turn to drink as a coping mechanism. They may not be aware of it, but something has occurred and they have taken to drinking in excess. So what is better to do? The medical and disease one says medicate them until they don't drink anymore. Fair enough. A quick fix. They now are drink free and the medical problems that occurred as of excess alcohol can be treated or made as though they don't have such a negative effect on this person's life. But how long does this last for? How long before you have this person drinking again. They have learnt that maladaptive coping mechanism. So how long before they have another drink again? This person is more than likely to start drinking again because the underlying issue wasn't addressed. I believe you need to combine all approaches and use a holistic one to get the best benefits.
Nurseman Mike is obviously of the behavioural camp. He keeps saying to me you made a choice, you decide what you want to do. You have the power of those decisions. Honestly, I don't think I do anymore. Maybe at first it was learnt behaviours. When I was feeling bad and I self harmed I got a release. I felt better. I learnt that by acting out the behaviour of cutting, drinking shit loads, and all my self harm behaviours I got release. I use it as a coping mechanism. So I suppose it's all well and good pumping me full of drugs but really am I going to get better unless I look more at the behavioural side. Learn new coping mechanisms, learn to talk to people so I don't keep everything to my self. But, is there a genetic/medical thing in me which meant that I was having distorted thoughts which led to the self harm.
It's what came first...the chicken or the egg.
Yet knowing all this. I knew it before today and it was weird that we went in to a lot of detail about it when it's been going through my mind a lot anyway. I still want to take the medical approach with me. I want it to be out of my control. It's more acceptable in a way isn't it? If someone has for example broken leg. It's treated medically. It was an accident and there was nothing they could have done about it. Yet with mental health, and my mental health I am ashamed by it. I won't admit to it. I won't talk to anyone about it.
I know this has been a bit of a boring blog. But it's stuff that has been going through my mind a lot and I wanted to talk about how it has been bothering me as i don't get to talk to anyone about it.
If anyone has read this far I would love to hear your comments on this...
xxxx
Showing posts with label alcoholic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label alcoholic. Show all posts
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Monday, 7 February 2011
Hospital - Pt2
So it’s Sunday night now. I have been listening to Evita. I love it. But it’s usually a bad sign. I usually only listen to it before attempts. Usually when drinking and I sing along. I can’t sing along on the ward though. LOL. Nasty attitude nurse is back on tonight. I think it is her 3rd night on the row so I hope she isn’t in tomorrow. I didn’t think she was in and I was telling my mum about her having an attitude problem. 2 minutes later she walks over with my drug card and puts it right next to me. I think she heard what I said to my mum. I have specifically asked the staff that they are not to leave my drug card by the bed as I have nosey visitors and I don’t want them knowing I am taking anti-depressants and diazepam. She just sort of slammed it down and walked off. I am worried she did hear what I said. Who knows? I suppose I will find out when it comes to meds later.
I am still massively wanting to SH. I think it’s because when they put the cannula back in my first thought was “bloodletting”. I think sub consciously I knew I would be and so I know now I will. I am not sure if this one will bleed though as I tested it earlier and it didn’t seem to want to so I suppose I will find out when I go downstairs. I am not doing it to die. Not tonight anyway.
(I have since been discharged so back to talking in past tense about what happened)
The woman at the side of me was really making me agitated. I really struggled to keep calm. It was making my urges to harm more but luckily as my mum had brought in my lap top that day. I spent a while writing and also listening to music. I watched a film and tried to chill out. Come 12.30am I was still quite worked up and asked to go off ward. I asked the attitude nurse. I was as nice as pie to her and at first she was saying how no one is allowed off after 12am. I reminded her that I was an adult and that it was not a psychiatric ward. I said I was only going for a few minutes to have a cig and just get some fresh air. I said I was aware there were weird people hanging around (I will talk about that in a bit) but I could look after myself and I had my phone, I would be right next to the security office etc etc. In the end she gave in and let me off. I didn't get narky with her at all and was lovely to her.
I did try the cannula to see if it would bleed and it wouldn't. I was quite miffed tbh. I wanted to let.
I did manage to get some sleep surprisingly. I think the diazepam and mirtazapine worked for me last night. I went to sleep at about 1.30am and I got up at 7.30am. I was woken at 6 so that they could put the IV antibiotics through but I slept most the night. The woman in the bed next to me did annoy me a bit but I managed to drown her out with head phones.
So this morning I got up and got showered. I woke up thinking I was actually at home. I also woke up feeling like I had had a load to drink the night before and felt as though I had a hangover. Took me a while to come round. I showered and got ready and left the ward to go call the people about my placement. I then went back to bed for a bit as was feeling quite rough. Come 10am a nurse had come from the tissue viability team. I was surprised it was that quick. I really thought it would be a couple of days.She had a look at the wounds and said although they were quite infected there didn't seem to be a big problem. The bigger wound was smelling again but I think that was as if the dressing they put on to it. But she said she was happy to give me dressings, to finish the course of antibiotics and for me to go home. I then fell asleep again.
I was woken up by someone from PM. I had never seen her before and felt quite wary about her. She hadn't read my notes really and didn't really know what was going on with me. So I was chatting to her for about an hour. I got a little upset but managed to contain it. I don't do crying in front of other people...unless I am drunk then I don't care.
I explained to her that I had seen Nurseman Mike a few times before and I was slowly being able to tell him things. I said I was scared of being totally honest with them as I saw them as a service who was only really there to ascertain whether or not hospital admission was needed. I said baring that in mind, I felt very closed off about what I will disclose to them. I didn't tell her about the removing the cannula end. She asked if I had done anything to the wound to prevent it healing which I haven't in a way but I have by not taking the antibiotics. Even in hospital I was not taking them. I was pretending to but I wasn't. Why? I was already ill. I know I wont take the ones that I have been given either. I don't want to lose my leg, I don't want to be in hospital, I hate being physically ill so why wont I take them. Is it punishment?
Nursewoman Tracey from PM was talking about meditation and all of that shebang. No way am I doing that. It's just not me. I was telling her about my main thing at the moment is the low mood as it is so debilitating. I feel that they go hand in hand and if I can get my mood sorted then the SH will stop. She agreed with me but she also said that there is some innate reason why I have turned to SH. And she agreed with the Psychiatrist (Dr T) that I needed some kind of therapy. She also said she would contact Dr T and let him know she had seen me. She suggested maybe having a Care Coordinator (CCO). I said I thought that would help quite a lot as I am reluctant to call Crisis team to have someone who I don't know each time. I said I really struggle to talk about things with people I don't know and it would be useful for me to have one person I can call when things get bad. One person who knows me and who I don't have to explain everything over and over and over.
We talked about the suicidal feelings and I explained to her how it was on constant loop in my head. I picture different scenarios, picture different methods etc. I said if I was presented with a method that would look like an accident, that wouldn't cause anyone else un-necessary harm (so no jumping in front of cars as the person driving will be affected, same goes with trains...get my drift) and would be easy I would do it. She asked me on a scale of 1-10, 1 being very suicidal and 10 being not at all where would I put myself I said between 3 and 4. She asked me what I thought I could do to bring the number higher and I said I didn't know. I really don't. I feel the only thing going for me at the minute is the course.It's the only way in which I can see a future.
To be honest talking to her didn't really help. I was hoping I would be able to speak to Nurseman Mike. I am starting to be able to get more open with him by giving him a little more each time I see him. I know I need to get something in place as I know I can't use him or rely on him. It is an assessment team not an ongoing care team. They just point me in the right direction, or if they feel you need hospitalisation arrange that. I explained to Nursewoman Tracey that it was a control thing at the moment. That me not making attempts and getting over carried away are because of my family. I took the opportunity Friday night to try and kill myself as there would have been no way that could have been proven as suicide and would have looked like an accident. OK, I know my family would be devastated if anything happened to me. But, if they knew it was suicide then it would be a whole lot worse. I saw that opportunity and took it. I have not actually spoke to anyone about it yet. I wonder if I do (it would be Sam I talked to about it) if I would feel different about it. At the moment I just feel really indifferent. Like "yeah, so what, not really important, nothing of concern, blah, blah, blah". I really am not bothered that I did it. Have I resigned myself to the fact that I am going to be the person to take opportunities like that?
So I was discharged from the hospital and I got home about 3pm. I am so glad to be back. The place was horrible. I didn't like the staff on the ward I was moved to. The whole hospital is dirty and grimy. There was one toilet on the ward that smelt to bad it would actually make me gag each time I went in there. In another there was a sample in a bed plan that was there all day. It was horrible. It was grimy and dirty. I have never really noticed before but it made me feel sick.
Why the hell do they wake you up at such an early time. 6.30am you are being woken up asked if you want a drink. The first day I was moved after I attempted I understood why they would wake me up. You can't expect them to see that amount of blood and just leave me. But the following 2 days. Why????
The food. It's so disgusting. The hospital I am in is one of the biggest hospitals in Europe. There are two really big hospitals very close to each other in this city and there are also many smaller ones within close vicinity. And the food is prepared about 80miles away and delivered to the hospital and then shipped off to the wards. So how long has it been standing for. Gross. I can't believe hospitals of that size do not have their own on site food prep.
The people. I met some really strange and really annoying people. On the AMU ward I was in a bay with people who had a good 50years on me and didn't make sense. When I was moved it was still pretty much the same but at least 3 of them could actually hold a conversation. I would go to the main entrance for cigs and it never ceased to amaze me at some of the people that hang around hospitals. Why does it seem that is is only chavs or scum in general that get ill. There were a group of girls that were always going out for a cig together, they were probably in their early 20's. They were patients as they were always in their PJ's.They used to go out and there was these guys hanging around them also. One of them even brought down his massive Alsatian vicious dog. He could not control it and I was actually quite worried when they came near me with it. You should have heard the language they were coming out with. It was shocking. And I work on psychiatric wards!
Next -
There was this girl who was about 36. She had irreversible liver and pancreatic damage. She was skin and bones, she had sores all over her as she had been in bed so long. And it was due to alcohol abuse. She was an alcoholic at 36. She was basically killing herself. She was being treated on a medical ward for the issues she had, she wasn't very mobile and generally unwell, but due to the alcohol. She wasn't even that bothered by it. It sounds awful, but even if she wasn't an alcoholic she had the entitlement mentality so I don't think she would have a successful person. Her best line was "it's really unhealthy them making us come out in the cold to smoke". She was more worried about the cold than the smoke. Lol. I know I smoke but I don't mind going outside. It's the law. It shouldn't be encouraged as it is so unhealthy and if I continue to smoke I will be a drain on the NHS in the future of the health conditions caused by smoking. She said she had tried rehab 2x but obviously it hadn't been successful. She was saying how she had brought a bottle of vodka in to the hospital with her but it was confiscated by one of the nurses. I talked to her a bit but she was a little odd also. I think the alcohol had killed a few brain cells there.
There was also this girl who was suffering pre-eclampsia, she admitted she was still drinking, she was smoking and just did not seem to have the same social airs that most people have. It really disgusts me to see pregnant people smoking. I hate it. OK, I have not tried to give up before but I would like to think if I wanted to become pregnant I would give up before I tried just to increase my chances. She was going on about what bad mothers some people were and slagging off the social (I kept my mouth shut here about my chosen career path). Sorry, but smoking when pregnant is not acceptable, smoking when pregnant, suffering pre-eclampsia, and the baby has not grown in the past 4 weeks in my books is child abuse. I really hate to see pregnant people smoking. It really is one of my pet hates. She then goes on to say how she is worried about the baby, yet she is there chuffing away on cigs. Another woman joined us who was staying in with her 11month old baby as they were on the wards. She was saying how there was this baby on the ward who as far as she was aware no one had been to visit. She said she was there all the time with her little one as she would not leave her side for long as she lived about 40miles away so she was staying at the hospital. She said that the baby was called Porche. Now the snob in me came out here and I immediately thought this is a case of a no contact order or something as not being funny but most abuse, neglect etc tends to happen in chav class families. It does happen in more middle class but in general it's more the chav class. Everyone then had their 2 penny's worth saying how they would never do that and it's awful and what a bad mother the other person must be etc etc etc. I am just sat there thinking..."this coming from a woman with pre-eclampsia, who has been told strict bed rest as her back waters had already broken and she was only 7 months pregnant but baby had not grown in the last 4-5 weeks, whose legs were swollen, who admitted she was still drinking and she was there smoking. She also made a comment which made it seem that a court order had been placed previously on her as she said something along the lines of that when her child was in hospital the social worker had called up and had said that she was not to be left alone with that child.
I have just spoken to my social worker friend about this and she said how unborn children can also be subject to child protection conferences. So I hope that this woman was having a close eye kept on her.
It really amazes me just how many people are in hospital as of drink related problems. I met this one guy who I could tell he had not admitted to being an alcoholic but he obs was. He was carrying around a bottle of vodka with him and he was being treated for what they thought was alcohol related seizures. The way he was talking you could really tell that he didn't think he had a problem. But you could tell he did.
Maybe I have a problem. But in comparison to some of the people I met, it's hardly a problem at all.
So today was meant to be the first day of my placement. I think being in hospital over the weekend as been quite enlightening. I am going to be working with homelessness teams with people with drug and alcohol problems. Bit miffed I was kept in hospital as was supposed to be my first day today and so I will have to make up a day at the end. I am starting it tomorrow now. I am sure I will have plenty of interesting stories once I get going with it. I am really looking forward to starting and getting my teeth in to it. The team I am going to work for sound brilliant and really relaxed and chilled out.
So that has been my weekend from Thursday to Monday. I have a couple of other ideas for blogs that I may work on soon and also I have counselling appointments which it helps me to write up and going to see Dr T next week at some point.
I know at the end of last year I wrote about being more positive and if anything I have gone the opposite way. Sorry. I know I am a bit crap. I feel as though I have let myself down. But I feel things are getting worse for me. Maybe it's having had 2 weeks off and I have been mulling over what happened at the beginning of those 2 weeks too much. Hopefully I'll pick up once I get in to this placement.
That's all for now though.
x
I am still massively wanting to SH. I think it’s because when they put the cannula back in my first thought was “bloodletting”. I think sub consciously I knew I would be and so I know now I will. I am not sure if this one will bleed though as I tested it earlier and it didn’t seem to want to so I suppose I will find out when I go downstairs. I am not doing it to die. Not tonight anyway.
(I have since been discharged so back to talking in past tense about what happened)
The woman at the side of me was really making me agitated. I really struggled to keep calm. It was making my urges to harm more but luckily as my mum had brought in my lap top that day. I spent a while writing and also listening to music. I watched a film and tried to chill out. Come 12.30am I was still quite worked up and asked to go off ward. I asked the attitude nurse. I was as nice as pie to her and at first she was saying how no one is allowed off after 12am. I reminded her that I was an adult and that it was not a psychiatric ward. I said I was only going for a few minutes to have a cig and just get some fresh air. I said I was aware there were weird people hanging around (I will talk about that in a bit) but I could look after myself and I had my phone, I would be right next to the security office etc etc. In the end she gave in and let me off. I didn't get narky with her at all and was lovely to her.
I did try the cannula to see if it would bleed and it wouldn't. I was quite miffed tbh. I wanted to let.
I did manage to get some sleep surprisingly. I think the diazepam and mirtazapine worked for me last night. I went to sleep at about 1.30am and I got up at 7.30am. I was woken at 6 so that they could put the IV antibiotics through but I slept most the night. The woman in the bed next to me did annoy me a bit but I managed to drown her out with head phones.
So this morning I got up and got showered. I woke up thinking I was actually at home. I also woke up feeling like I had had a load to drink the night before and felt as though I had a hangover. Took me a while to come round. I showered and got ready and left the ward to go call the people about my placement. I then went back to bed for a bit as was feeling quite rough. Come 10am a nurse had come from the tissue viability team. I was surprised it was that quick. I really thought it would be a couple of days.She had a look at the wounds and said although they were quite infected there didn't seem to be a big problem. The bigger wound was smelling again but I think that was as if the dressing they put on to it. But she said she was happy to give me dressings, to finish the course of antibiotics and for me to go home. I then fell asleep again.
I was woken up by someone from PM. I had never seen her before and felt quite wary about her. She hadn't read my notes really and didn't really know what was going on with me. So I was chatting to her for about an hour. I got a little upset but managed to contain it. I don't do crying in front of other people...unless I am drunk then I don't care.
I explained to her that I had seen Nurseman Mike a few times before and I was slowly being able to tell him things. I said I was scared of being totally honest with them as I saw them as a service who was only really there to ascertain whether or not hospital admission was needed. I said baring that in mind, I felt very closed off about what I will disclose to them. I didn't tell her about the removing the cannula end. She asked if I had done anything to the wound to prevent it healing which I haven't in a way but I have by not taking the antibiotics. Even in hospital I was not taking them. I was pretending to but I wasn't. Why? I was already ill. I know I wont take the ones that I have been given either. I don't want to lose my leg, I don't want to be in hospital, I hate being physically ill so why wont I take them. Is it punishment?
Nursewoman Tracey from PM was talking about meditation and all of that shebang. No way am I doing that. It's just not me. I was telling her about my main thing at the moment is the low mood as it is so debilitating. I feel that they go hand in hand and if I can get my mood sorted then the SH will stop. She agreed with me but she also said that there is some innate reason why I have turned to SH. And she agreed with the Psychiatrist (Dr T) that I needed some kind of therapy. She also said she would contact Dr T and let him know she had seen me. She suggested maybe having a Care Coordinator (CCO). I said I thought that would help quite a lot as I am reluctant to call Crisis team to have someone who I don't know each time. I said I really struggle to talk about things with people I don't know and it would be useful for me to have one person I can call when things get bad. One person who knows me and who I don't have to explain everything over and over and over.
We talked about the suicidal feelings and I explained to her how it was on constant loop in my head. I picture different scenarios, picture different methods etc. I said if I was presented with a method that would look like an accident, that wouldn't cause anyone else un-necessary harm (so no jumping in front of cars as the person driving will be affected, same goes with trains...get my drift) and would be easy I would do it. She asked me on a scale of 1-10, 1 being very suicidal and 10 being not at all where would I put myself I said between 3 and 4. She asked me what I thought I could do to bring the number higher and I said I didn't know. I really don't. I feel the only thing going for me at the minute is the course.It's the only way in which I can see a future.
To be honest talking to her didn't really help. I was hoping I would be able to speak to Nurseman Mike. I am starting to be able to get more open with him by giving him a little more each time I see him. I know I need to get something in place as I know I can't use him or rely on him. It is an assessment team not an ongoing care team. They just point me in the right direction, or if they feel you need hospitalisation arrange that. I explained to Nursewoman Tracey that it was a control thing at the moment. That me not making attempts and getting over carried away are because of my family. I took the opportunity Friday night to try and kill myself as there would have been no way that could have been proven as suicide and would have looked like an accident. OK, I know my family would be devastated if anything happened to me. But, if they knew it was suicide then it would be a whole lot worse. I saw that opportunity and took it. I have not actually spoke to anyone about it yet. I wonder if I do (it would be Sam I talked to about it) if I would feel different about it. At the moment I just feel really indifferent. Like "yeah, so what, not really important, nothing of concern, blah, blah, blah". I really am not bothered that I did it. Have I resigned myself to the fact that I am going to be the person to take opportunities like that?
So I was discharged from the hospital and I got home about 3pm. I am so glad to be back. The place was horrible. I didn't like the staff on the ward I was moved to. The whole hospital is dirty and grimy. There was one toilet on the ward that smelt to bad it would actually make me gag each time I went in there. In another there was a sample in a bed plan that was there all day. It was horrible. It was grimy and dirty. I have never really noticed before but it made me feel sick.
Why the hell do they wake you up at such an early time. 6.30am you are being woken up asked if you want a drink. The first day I was moved after I attempted I understood why they would wake me up. You can't expect them to see that amount of blood and just leave me. But the following 2 days. Why????
The food. It's so disgusting. The hospital I am in is one of the biggest hospitals in Europe. There are two really big hospitals very close to each other in this city and there are also many smaller ones within close vicinity. And the food is prepared about 80miles away and delivered to the hospital and then shipped off to the wards. So how long has it been standing for. Gross. I can't believe hospitals of that size do not have their own on site food prep.
The people. I met some really strange and really annoying people. On the AMU ward I was in a bay with people who had a good 50years on me and didn't make sense. When I was moved it was still pretty much the same but at least 3 of them could actually hold a conversation. I would go to the main entrance for cigs and it never ceased to amaze me at some of the people that hang around hospitals. Why does it seem that is is only chavs or scum in general that get ill. There were a group of girls that were always going out for a cig together, they were probably in their early 20's. They were patients as they were always in their PJ's.They used to go out and there was these guys hanging around them also. One of them even brought down his massive Alsatian vicious dog. He could not control it and I was actually quite worried when they came near me with it. You should have heard the language they were coming out with. It was shocking. And I work on psychiatric wards!
Next -
There was this girl who was about 36. She had irreversible liver and pancreatic damage. She was skin and bones, she had sores all over her as she had been in bed so long. And it was due to alcohol abuse. She was an alcoholic at 36. She was basically killing herself. She was being treated on a medical ward for the issues she had, she wasn't very mobile and generally unwell, but due to the alcohol. She wasn't even that bothered by it. It sounds awful, but even if she wasn't an alcoholic she had the entitlement mentality so I don't think she would have a successful person. Her best line was "it's really unhealthy them making us come out in the cold to smoke". She was more worried about the cold than the smoke. Lol. I know I smoke but I don't mind going outside. It's the law. It shouldn't be encouraged as it is so unhealthy and if I continue to smoke I will be a drain on the NHS in the future of the health conditions caused by smoking. She said she had tried rehab 2x but obviously it hadn't been successful. She was saying how she had brought a bottle of vodka in to the hospital with her but it was confiscated by one of the nurses. I talked to her a bit but she was a little odd also. I think the alcohol had killed a few brain cells there.
There was also this girl who was suffering pre-eclampsia, she admitted she was still drinking, she was smoking and just did not seem to have the same social airs that most people have. It really disgusts me to see pregnant people smoking. I hate it. OK, I have not tried to give up before but I would like to think if I wanted to become pregnant I would give up before I tried just to increase my chances. She was going on about what bad mothers some people were and slagging off the social (I kept my mouth shut here about my chosen career path). Sorry, but smoking when pregnant is not acceptable, smoking when pregnant, suffering pre-eclampsia, and the baby has not grown in the past 4 weeks in my books is child abuse. I really hate to see pregnant people smoking. It really is one of my pet hates. She then goes on to say how she is worried about the baby, yet she is there chuffing away on cigs. Another woman joined us who was staying in with her 11month old baby as they were on the wards. She was saying how there was this baby on the ward who as far as she was aware no one had been to visit. She said she was there all the time with her little one as she would not leave her side for long as she lived about 40miles away so she was staying at the hospital. She said that the baby was called Porche. Now the snob in me came out here and I immediately thought this is a case of a no contact order or something as not being funny but most abuse, neglect etc tends to happen in chav class families. It does happen in more middle class but in general it's more the chav class. Everyone then had their 2 penny's worth saying how they would never do that and it's awful and what a bad mother the other person must be etc etc etc. I am just sat there thinking..."this coming from a woman with pre-eclampsia, who has been told strict bed rest as her back waters had already broken and she was only 7 months pregnant but baby had not grown in the last 4-5 weeks, whose legs were swollen, who admitted she was still drinking and she was there smoking. She also made a comment which made it seem that a court order had been placed previously on her as she said something along the lines of that when her child was in hospital the social worker had called up and had said that she was not to be left alone with that child.
I have just spoken to my social worker friend about this and she said how unborn children can also be subject to child protection conferences. So I hope that this woman was having a close eye kept on her.
It really amazes me just how many people are in hospital as of drink related problems. I met this one guy who I could tell he had not admitted to being an alcoholic but he obs was. He was carrying around a bottle of vodka with him and he was being treated for what they thought was alcohol related seizures. The way he was talking you could really tell that he didn't think he had a problem. But you could tell he did.
Maybe I have a problem. But in comparison to some of the people I met, it's hardly a problem at all.
So today was meant to be the first day of my placement. I think being in hospital over the weekend as been quite enlightening. I am going to be working with homelessness teams with people with drug and alcohol problems. Bit miffed I was kept in hospital as was supposed to be my first day today and so I will have to make up a day at the end. I am starting it tomorrow now. I am sure I will have plenty of interesting stories once I get going with it. I am really looking forward to starting and getting my teeth in to it. The team I am going to work for sound brilliant and really relaxed and chilled out.
So that has been my weekend from Thursday to Monday. I have a couple of other ideas for blogs that I may work on soon and also I have counselling appointments which it helps me to write up and going to see Dr T next week at some point.
I know at the end of last year I wrote about being more positive and if anything I have gone the opposite way. Sorry. I know I am a bit crap. I feel as though I have let myself down. But I feel things are getting worse for me. Maybe it's having had 2 weeks off and I have been mulling over what happened at the beginning of those 2 weeks too much. Hopefully I'll pick up once I get in to this placement.
That's all for now though.
x
Monday, 15 November 2010
Random Blabberings of a Crazy Fool!
Don't know why I feel like blogging but I do. I came home early from uni as can't face it today. I am so tired. Can't concentrate on it. Not missed anything important anyway. So this afternoon I plan on napping and then doing some work this afternoon.
So. I was thinking. Maybe I do have a bad relationship with alcohol. The nurse at the hospital I'll call him Mike keeps saying it to me and possibly I am avoiding it. I was thinking about it and the thing is I don't want to give up drinking. I enjoy drinking. What does that mean? I use it in a bad way at times though and that is what needs to be addressed. I never crave drink, yet it has got me in to trouble on occasions. Like ending up in hospital as of it; sometimes drinking so much that I am unconscious. That is not normal. I know that. So, as much as pains me to do it I have gone and approached an organisation (not alcoholics anonymous) that makes an assessment of you and your drinking habits and if they find it to be a problem will go through things with you. Last time I went to them I was drinking a lot more and could see that it was a problem. I think this time it is because I am not drinking as much I don't see it to be a problem. But it obviously is! Last time I went there they said I was dependant on alcohol and was close to becoming an alcoholic with the amounts I was drinking. Drinking gives me confidence which I don't usually have. I think that's why I am quite reluctant to go. I mean I am quite outspoken anyway, but only if I am not standing up in front of other people and doing it. In clubs I wont dance etc unless I have been drinking. Also I hate being around drunk people if I have not had a drink myself. The problems I have here is that most of my social life revolves around going out with friends to pubs and clubs so the drinking is inevitable.
I suppose what I need to do really is find other ways to get self confidence. I think the first one would be to lose some weight. The thing is when I am depressed as I am now it is a viscous circle and I eat crap for comfort. Then because I have no confidence I also drink. Grrrr....not really a way out that I can see there.
I don't want to carry on feeling like this. I hate feeling as though I am constantly carrying around a head full of issues and problems. It's even got to the stage now where I don't want to live like this and have considered suicide. Although, what stops me here is I know that this is a permanent solution to a possible temporary problem. Well it may not feel like it but there must be something that I can do, something I can do with the right support. In other words it's fixable. It's not something that has to stay with me for the rest of my life. Another thing is I feel like such a hypocrite if I do go and kill my self (OK I know that doesn't quite sound right but bare with me here). What I mean is, for the past 2 years of working in mental health I have worked with suicidal people and talked to them about it and offered them support. Talking them round, saying to them that although doesn't seem like it at the moment things can and will get better but it will take some hard work etc etc. So if I go and do something stupid like that it's basically telling them (although they would never know) don't listen to me as what I say is a load of crap! Yet, why do I keep having the feelings of being suicidal, thinking of ways in which I could do so to make it look like an accident? The mind is a strange and scary place isn't it?
So, basically my family now knows I am suffering with depression and also have self harmed. They don't know the extent of the SH just that it has happened a couple of times (I think it's on a weekly basis pretty much at the moment but they don't know that) and that I am struggling. They are worried that Friday night was a suicide attempt as if no one would have found me I would have died. But not just that they think that because I cut deep enough to require stitches that in itself is an attempt at suicide. I didn't want to tell them that cutting your self is not the way to do it and wouldn't be my method of choice but thought that would worry them more. So I just laughed at them, said it wasn't and left it at that.
Anyway, on to a lighter note. X-Factor!!!!!
Who are these people. They are useless. I only really like Matt Cardle, he's cute and he can sing and he has something about him that airs a vulnerability. Wagner, well he is just this years Jedward. You either love him or you hate him. He can't sing for shit but I suppose it's slapstick entertainment. You (I say you but I don't know if anyone actually reads this or if they do it will have got this far) may hate me for saying this but I really don't like Rebbecca F. I don't like her voice and all the songs she sings sound the same as her voice is so unique. Would you really want to listen to a whole album of it? I have also seen on Facebook that there is a group along the lines of "getting rid of chlamidhya is easier than getting rid of Katie Waissel". Now with her, I don't actually know why I don't like her but there is something about her I just don't like. I don't know how many times she has been in the bottom 2 now but doesn't this indicate to the judges that the public don't like her and she would not do well as an artist as she just isn't getting the votes. Why keep her in. And I must admit although I am 26 I kind of had a small crush on Aiden. He was gorgeous!
I am not one of these who votes and this is only the 3rd season I have watched X-Factor. And usually I have to point out I don't watch reality TV as can't usually stand it, but I suppose like Robbie Williams being my music guilty pleasure this is my TV one.
Speaking of Robbie Williams...how good is Take That now he is back in it. I loved them when I was about 9 but actually Mark was my favourite and wasn't that keen on Robbie. I was quite sad when they split but not suicidal like some were. I started to like Robbie when I was about 13 and sort of fell in love with him. Between 13-16 my bedroom was a shrine to him and I have all his albums. I was watching X-Factor last night with them on and they all work together so well and really seem to enjoy what they do on stage. It was brilliant watching them perform all together again. I wish now that I had tickets for the tour. It's weird how as you get older your tastes change. As I said Mark used to be my favourite when I was young. But watching them last night I realised he wasn't that nice. Howard and Jason were scrummy and of course Robbie, you are still my favourite!
I have brought my first CD album in ages (usually I just download from Limewire - I know illegal but music is so expensive but I have now stopped as don't know where I can get it from as Limewire under court order now), this being Take That's new album Progress. Can't wait to get it through the post! YAY!!!!
So. I was thinking. Maybe I do have a bad relationship with alcohol. The nurse at the hospital I'll call him Mike keeps saying it to me and possibly I am avoiding it. I was thinking about it and the thing is I don't want to give up drinking. I enjoy drinking. What does that mean? I use it in a bad way at times though and that is what needs to be addressed. I never crave drink, yet it has got me in to trouble on occasions. Like ending up in hospital as of it; sometimes drinking so much that I am unconscious. That is not normal. I know that. So, as much as pains me to do it I have gone and approached an organisation (not alcoholics anonymous) that makes an assessment of you and your drinking habits and if they find it to be a problem will go through things with you. Last time I went to them I was drinking a lot more and could see that it was a problem. I think this time it is because I am not drinking as much I don't see it to be a problem. But it obviously is! Last time I went there they said I was dependant on alcohol and was close to becoming an alcoholic with the amounts I was drinking. Drinking gives me confidence which I don't usually have. I think that's why I am quite reluctant to go. I mean I am quite outspoken anyway, but only if I am not standing up in front of other people and doing it. In clubs I wont dance etc unless I have been drinking. Also I hate being around drunk people if I have not had a drink myself. The problems I have here is that most of my social life revolves around going out with friends to pubs and clubs so the drinking is inevitable.
I suppose what I need to do really is find other ways to get self confidence. I think the first one would be to lose some weight. The thing is when I am depressed as I am now it is a viscous circle and I eat crap for comfort. Then because I have no confidence I also drink. Grrrr....not really a way out that I can see there.
I don't want to carry on feeling like this. I hate feeling as though I am constantly carrying around a head full of issues and problems. It's even got to the stage now where I don't want to live like this and have considered suicide. Although, what stops me here is I know that this is a permanent solution to a possible temporary problem. Well it may not feel like it but there must be something that I can do, something I can do with the right support. In other words it's fixable. It's not something that has to stay with me for the rest of my life. Another thing is I feel like such a hypocrite if I do go and kill my self (OK I know that doesn't quite sound right but bare with me here). What I mean is, for the past 2 years of working in mental health I have worked with suicidal people and talked to them about it and offered them support. Talking them round, saying to them that although doesn't seem like it at the moment things can and will get better but it will take some hard work etc etc. So if I go and do something stupid like that it's basically telling them (although they would never know) don't listen to me as what I say is a load of crap! Yet, why do I keep having the feelings of being suicidal, thinking of ways in which I could do so to make it look like an accident? The mind is a strange and scary place isn't it?
So, basically my family now knows I am suffering with depression and also have self harmed. They don't know the extent of the SH just that it has happened a couple of times (I think it's on a weekly basis pretty much at the moment but they don't know that) and that I am struggling. They are worried that Friday night was a suicide attempt as if no one would have found me I would have died. But not just that they think that because I cut deep enough to require stitches that in itself is an attempt at suicide. I didn't want to tell them that cutting your self is not the way to do it and wouldn't be my method of choice but thought that would worry them more. So I just laughed at them, said it wasn't and left it at that.
Anyway, on to a lighter note. X-Factor!!!!!
Who are these people. They are useless. I only really like Matt Cardle, he's cute and he can sing and he has something about him that airs a vulnerability. Wagner, well he is just this years Jedward. You either love him or you hate him. He can't sing for shit but I suppose it's slapstick entertainment. You (I say you but I don't know if anyone actually reads this or if they do it will have got this far) may hate me for saying this but I really don't like Rebbecca F. I don't like her voice and all the songs she sings sound the same as her voice is so unique. Would you really want to listen to a whole album of it? I have also seen on Facebook that there is a group along the lines of "getting rid of chlamidhya is easier than getting rid of Katie Waissel". Now with her, I don't actually know why I don't like her but there is something about her I just don't like. I don't know how many times she has been in the bottom 2 now but doesn't this indicate to the judges that the public don't like her and she would not do well as an artist as she just isn't getting the votes. Why keep her in. And I must admit although I am 26 I kind of had a small crush on Aiden. He was gorgeous!
I am not one of these who votes and this is only the 3rd season I have watched X-Factor. And usually I have to point out I don't watch reality TV as can't usually stand it, but I suppose like Robbie Williams being my music guilty pleasure this is my TV one.
Speaking of Robbie Williams...how good is Take That now he is back in it. I loved them when I was about 9 but actually Mark was my favourite and wasn't that keen on Robbie. I was quite sad when they split but not suicidal like some were. I started to like Robbie when I was about 13 and sort of fell in love with him. Between 13-16 my bedroom was a shrine to him and I have all his albums. I was watching X-Factor last night with them on and they all work together so well and really seem to enjoy what they do on stage. It was brilliant watching them perform all together again. I wish now that I had tickets for the tour. It's weird how as you get older your tastes change. As I said Mark used to be my favourite when I was young. But watching them last night I realised he wasn't that nice. Howard and Jason were scrummy and of course Robbie, you are still my favourite!
I have brought my first CD album in ages (usually I just download from Limewire - I know illegal but music is so expensive but I have now stopped as don't know where I can get it from as Limewire under court order now), this being Take That's new album Progress. Can't wait to get it through the post! YAY!!!!
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