Thursday, 27 December 2012

I'm Scared

I'm scared it's all happening again with me. The way I feel and my thoughts are really disturbing. I am swallowing razors in the hope they do something and all I think about it when and how I can do something that will end my life. People, like my family think I am getting better and I don't want them to think any different but I don't think I can continue like I am. I recognise that I am having the same thoughts as I was having when I was seen as needing to be on a PICU. I have looked at blogs from this time last year when I was moved to the local PICU from out of town one and the memories of how I was then and comparing them to how I am now are similar.

I can't tell anyone about the self-harm as then my CPN or Psychologist will have to break confidentiality and tell my parents and I don't want them knowing. I would also be forced in to going to the ED and maybe staying over night and I can't face that.

As I said before I am using maladaptive coping mechanisms at the moment. One I have talked about previously is getting completely wasted and kissing loads of men. Another is I am binge eating crap. It's a comfort thing and it's not good. I am already feeling shit about my weight but then go and eat more. It's a vicious circle.

If I told anyone my plans then I'd probably end up being sectioned again. I probably need to be back in hospital at the moment. But I'm not going. Not this time. I can't cope with all the admissions. People finding out and being embarrassed by it as yet again I have failed at something.

I keep going around and around in the same circle. Feeling ok-ish for a bit, not long. But then getting depressed again and feeling suicidal and battling with self-harm urges and suicidal thoughts. The psychologist tries to get me to focus on the ok parts when I am depressed, saying that I should know it's a circle so I will come out of it. But I also know that it's a circle and I will go back in to it. I hate living like this. The ok parts seem to be getting shorter and shorter.

My CPN, Psychologist and OT think I am doing really well. Only because I hold back a lot. There's no way I'll be telling them about the swallowing stuff. That's not a sign I am doing well. I've only been out of hospital about 6 weeks, if that and I feel as though I am heading back there again and I am scared. It's pretty obvious I can't cope in the real world. Maybe they were right when they were thinking low secure? I'm a danger to myself and can't keep myself safe so perhaps I need to be in an environment where I have limited options.

I'm only at the preliminary planning stage at the moment and have nothing set in stone but those plans are being made and it is not a good sign. I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Nearly Over

Yay. It's nearly over for another near. I really am not a fan of xmas.

Monday, 17 December 2012

Not Coping That Well

The home situation sucks big time. My Dad continues to get to me and can't stand being around him. My brother said it is bullying. I had a go at him the other day for mocking me and told him it was getting to me big time amongst other things and he just said if that is bothering you then you really do have issues. Nice. So he hasn't stopped.

Then I also have problems with my Mum and her drinking. The other night we had 4 police officers round who arrested my Mum because my Dad had called them. She got mega pissed and started laying in to my Dad hitting him and shouting at him about this woman that he slept with while they were broken up. It was 1am and I was asleep to be woken to my Dad shouting at me to come sort her out. He tried to go in the spare room but she just kept going after him. I had to physically restrain her and was shouting at her to stop and be more rational but she wasn't having any of it. My Dad kept saying if she didn't leave him alone he was going to call the police. It got to the stage where I couldn't take it any more and I ran out the house got in to the car and drove off. I got less than half a mile away and saw a police car on blues going in the opposite direction. I knew that he had called them then. I turned around and sure enough as I got home there were two police cars parked up outside my house. Two were at the front door and two were in next doors front garden, they had got the wrong house. Luckily I managed to stop them before they went knocking on the neighbours door. As I got to the door one of the police officers went "hey, I know you" to me. He was one of the ones who came round that night when I was put on a S136. I just told him to shut his mouth as this really wasn't the time for reunions.

So the police came in and two went up to my mum. She started going on at them saying how they couldn't do this to her in her own house etc etc. In the end she was handcuffed and taken away. I called my brother and he came over and he said he wanted to go down to the police station. I didn't really want to go. But because he had also been drinking as was a works night out I was the only one who could drive. I didn't think there would be much point in going down to the station as the officers had said she'd be there until the morning when she had sobered up. But, my brother wanted to talk to the police. So at 02.30am we were at the police station. The custody Sergeant said she was given the option of going somewhere else like to my brothers but she couldn't remember his house number or phone number so they took her to the police station. They said she would be released on the condition that she went back to my brothers house until she had sobered up. I was quite pissed off if I'm honest. I was hoping she would be kept there all night and wake up sober in a police cell and face the cold stark reality of it all and the humiliation of it being sober and being in police custody.

The next morning when I saw her she was a bit of a mess and said she was sorry. I didn't really know what else to say other than it wasn't on. My Dad had said to me the previous night that he was sick of it as was happening 3-4 nights a week and he ends up sleeping on the bathroom floor as he can lock himself in. He also said she has been hiding alcohol in the house and drinking after he has gone to bed.

My other brother called me the next day and we talked about it and he said that my Mum had said she was not going to drink anymore. The next day I am asked to go to Tesco and buy £80 worth of Tesco finest wine as she has these clubcard vouchers that were due to expire. She said it was for Christmas. So I bring 10 bottles of wine home. I am not happy about this. And with due cause. Only last night less than a week after the event they both are steaming drunk. They had been out for lunch so had been drinking then and had had at least 4 bottles of wine when they got home. And the same thing happens again last night. The police weren't called this time but I could hear her having a go at him again and then falling all over the place. It didn't escalate as far this time but it's still bad.

I'm dealing with this on top of all my own shit. In particular what happened when I was 15. I re read some of the blogs from around the time I told the psychologist what happened when I went on holiday and now I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking how I could have done more and then I have nightmares about it. Its funny how little things stay in your mind. I even remember what colour underwear I was wearing that day and how there was blood afterwards.

I had an appointment with the psychologist on Thursday and told him about what has been going on and he had that look on his face again. I told him about the nightmares I had been having recently because of it and how some of it was sending me into having anxiety attacks that could hit at any time. I have been getting massive urges to self-harm and I really don't know how I have not done so far. I was really fighting back the tears which he noticed and he kept saying how it was safe to cry there. All I could think about was not doing as it would make my make-up run and I was going someplace else after. We talked more about crying and I told him how I am not really a crier. Not over things like that. I always stop myself. Yet at things like TV programmes I can cry a little. But I always stop myself. I don't like crying.

I've not really used effective techniques at coping recently. I have been going out with my friends and getting blind drunk. So much so I can't remember parts of the evening. I have been kissing many random men in clubs. I went out Saturday night and my friend had to tell the bar staff to stop serving me as I was so drunk. In the end she put me in a taxi. I got lost on my own bloody road and seriously considered going home with someone who just happened to be walking past as I was stumbling home. Sunday morning I am woken by my parents as there is a police man at the door saying he had come to check I was ok as there had been a call from me. I am sure I didn't do it and I checked my phone and there was no calls made so I am really puzzled there. I text my friend about the night before asking her questions and I asked her if there had been any men and she said I had barely come up for air all night. I can't remember. I could have sworn I didn't meet anyone but she said I did. I know I must have done as there is a random number in my phone.

I met a friend for dinner Thursday night and drank way more than she did. I didn't get blind drunk with memory gaps or even that drunk that you could tell but enough to make me over emotional. When I got home I could not stop crying. That's about the only time I can cry is if I am drunk. I pulled out my favourite soft toys that night and fell asleep hugging them, crying my self to sleep.

Psychologist asked me if I wanted to be dead and I told him yes. He asked me if I had made any plans and I told him no. Which I haven't. But then he said that I probably wouldn't tell him even if I had as of all this thing with when they have to break confidentiality. He asked me if I wanted to be back in hospital and I said yes but I can't. I can't keep using it to run away from real life at the problems are still going to be there when I get out so I may as well try and deal with it. Life was so much easier when I was in hospital. I don't think I can put up with all of this for much longer. If it continues it's just going to eat away at me until I end up doing something about it. And not in a good way. Again he made me promise I would see him for our next appointment which is not for another month.

I hate Christmas and this year I am dreading it even more so than usual. With everything that's been going on and the way I am I can tell it's not going to be a happy Christmas for me. I need to get out this house as soon as possible. It's really not helping me. When I was in hospital they didn't want to let me go back to this environment and I kept saying it was fine and I could deal with it. But I can't. Not with everything else that is going on in my life.

I see my CPN on Thursday. She knows a bit about the situation in the past and I am hoping she will have read the notes from the session with the psychologist so I can go over things with her. I need out now!

Thursday, 13 December 2012

So Much To Say

I know I need to blog. I have so much to talk about but I keep putting it off cos I have so much to say.
I had another appointment with Psychologist today. He made me promise I would see him in 4 weeks for our next appointment. Yes, things are that bad again. But I will probably be seen as pathetic for what has been going on for letting it make me feel like that.

I will try to get around to writing properly tomorrow night when my head is more clear (alcohol and tiredness tonight).