Monday, 15 December 2014

It's Not Getting Any Better....

Title says it all really.

After closing 2 mental health wards in my city, I thought they were supposed to be putting resources in to CRHT. Doesn't seem like it to me. I have spoke to someone on the phone the last couple of days and I feel that they feel I am wasting time. I have asked if I can see someone. They said there is no point as they won't say anything different in person than they would over the phone.

I feel so alone. I feel awful.

My days consist of trying to distract myself from the huge urge to take an OD or drink the bottle of antifreeze I have. I have the urge to take all my medication that I have been stockpiling for the last few months. Getting it a few days early, or saying I lost the prescription has meant I have been able to get myself a nice little stash on the go. I know I have enough to do the job. But, there is still some fight in me. Part of me wants to live. Part of me wants a better life. So, I try and keep on going. I went in to college today. Lasted a couple of hours and had to come home. I couldn't deal with it. I worry that I will be missing studio time which I need as there is only their studio I have access to. That part of me that wants to be ok knows I need to go in and get that studio evidence so I can get a good mark and understand how a studio works etc. But, on the other hand I ask myself what the point is. And spend the whole time I am there anxious and paranoid. I try and put on an act but how much is too much? Do they know it's an act. Do they know what is going through my head? It feels like their eyes are baring in to my soul. They can read what is going through my head. I am getting strange looks. So I start to panic. I breathe faster and get in to a panic. So I had to leave.

And, tomorrow may be worse. One of the tutors I have tomorrow reads people well. I think he may pick up on something. He will get that I am not able to concentrate. I know he will.

And I am expected to go out after with the big kids (those of us 18plus) for drinks. I really want to get wasted. Not a good idea though with people I have only known a couple of months. I want to get wasted and let go. To not have those thoughts for just an hour or so. I want to forget.

That's not going to happen is it. It's 7pm. I am going to take extra meds and aim for a good long sleep. Sleep is an escape. Sleep is my only way of dealing with things at the moment.

Friday, 12 December 2014

And Again...

Sick of it. So sick of the feelings. I know I am looking at suicide as a way of escape. I don't think it is because I don't want to be alive. But, more that I don't want to be alive with the way things the way they are. I know there is no cure. There is recovery, but that is living with it. I don't want that. I don't want to live with this "thing" that follows me around. The thing that may lie dormant for a few weeks, but rears its ugly head. And when it does BHAM! It consumes me. It takes over every thought.

College is going well. But, I know since I have started the self harm and urges have got worse. I am looking at ways of control as I don't have any other way of control in my life. Not that I feel tangible anyway. And for me at the moment is making myself sick. It's practically every day now. If I had the opportunity, every meal. But, I am wary about doing it in public places. I have done a couple of times, but I worry about people hearing me and knowing what I am doing. I have been blood letting again too.

And now, well, for the last few weeks, I have started thinking and researching ways in which I can end my life. A way out. At the moment I am a bit obsessed with anti freeze. I have read many stories of people where it has worked. I have even bought a bottle. But, the stuff I have is mixed with the bitterant stuff which makes it taste horrid. But I figure, it's there if I really need it. It is my safety net.

I feel so alone at the moment. Places where I would usually find refuge don't give it me. Before I was spending a lot of time at my parents. But, now I can't. It makes me worse. My Mum has decided she's not drinking again. Not just going to cut down or watch it, but cold turkey. And yet again, she is making a massive thing of it. It's quite irritating. More so, because I know it won't last. And the whole cycle of her getting pissed and laying in to my Dad will start again. But, the weird thing is, since she stopped drinking the atmosphere in the house is awful. It's gone back to how it was in 2010 and before. I feel like I am constantly walking on egg shells. My Dad is in a constant mood and on edge. You have to be really careful what you say and do. My brother is baring a lot of it too. I know he is totally skint and can't really afford to eat or heat his flat. So, I know he has been spending quite  a bit of time there as he can eat their food and use their heat. But, it's getting to my Dad him being there quite a lot. My brother isn't the tidiest of people and spreads himself out over the whole house. He is also not really working that much. So, it pisses my Dad off when he has been out at work all day that he comes home to him being on the sofa and his mess. So, I can kind of see where my Dad is coming from. But he is not tactful. He is really abrupt and quite mean about it. I feel awful and upset by the way he speaks to him and my brother gets upset and angry and ends up storming off. Which in turn upsets my Mum and makes her angry and she then gets upset with my Dad. It's a spiral.

I saw G last week and he said something about me trying to be a peacekeeper and I let other peoples problems affect me and I shouldn't as there is nothing I can do about them. It pissed me off, and I told him, because I can't not care about how people who are close to me are feeling and what is going on in their life. That would make me a really selfish, self obsessed person and I am not prepared to be that person. I can't not care about what is going on in the life of people who I am close to. Who wouldn't be?

I don't feel as though I have anyone I can talk to about everything. It's not just that that is going on. There's more. But I feel so alone. I can't talk to my friends as they have all their own stuff going on. Obviously I can't talk to family or really spend much time with them as the atmosphere is just a reminder of what is going on. Friends are all busy too, and I don't have access to a car. So, I am pretty much alone. And I feel as though I am doing something wrong because it is effecting me so much. I don't see G until Thursday and he is the only person I feel I can talk to about it. And I am already expecting the answer to be a long the lines of how I need to distance myself. Well, I can't. So what does that mean?

I have tried ringing and speaking to someone on the team I am under, But the thing is they don't know me. They don't know anything about me. I spoke to someone and all they basically told me was distract myself. Nothing else. And on top of that. Because I have told them I won't be seeing Dr T again as I am not putting myself through the stress and anxiety, they have basically said I can't see anyone else until the referral for the new doctor is put through. So even in ringing them I feel like I am wasting my time as there is nothing I can do.

In my city they have closed down 2 MH wards. One male and one female, both with about 22 beds. In doing this they are supposed to have made CRHT services better. I don't know what that really means. Because I haven't really seen any improvement. I know that the calls no longer go through to the 136 suite after 9pm and do go through to someone in the crisis team. But that is the only improvement.

I don't honestly know what I can do. I don't know who to turn to. I feel like I am in a constant pain. I just want to sleep my way through it. I can't stand it.

OK, I don't feel like this all the time. There are some weeks where I am happier and not depressed. There are some days where I feel quite happy. But that is not enough. Because the majority of the time I am not. I am not a happy person. I have struggles most the time. So, telling me it will get better, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it doesn't really help. Because, I have been there far too many times. It does get better eventually, but, it will also end up like this again. I do want a future where I am successful etc. I want the whole family 2.4 kids thing. But, it's not exactly likely when I won't let anyone in to my life. I don't want to share it with anyone. I see ending my life as an escape. A way of running away. I haven't given up. I am still trying to get to college, to do college work and do it well. Part of me thinks how can I be suicidal and still working towards a future. But, I think that is because suicide is an escape. But I am sure ask most people who are suicidal if they could live if it were a happier life and things wouldn't be as they are now. I am sure they would take the live happier option.

But, because I am still going to college, because I am trying to live my life. I am getting pushed aside. I think people think that because I am doing that, I am working towards a future, then they can't really be suicidal thoughts. So basically I should go take a bath, put some music on, light some candles sit down and relax. Because my non suicidal thoughts will disappear. Because after all, they are not really suicidal thoughts.