I was released. I was told to leave the ward last week. I've not even been off the ward a week and I'm back on a section.
Being sent out of area. I'm scared. It's a secure place. Hopefully it's temporary.
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental health. Show all posts
Tuesday, 29 December 2015
Back on a Section
Saturday, 21 December 2013
Stigma And Discrimination
Not a long post, but I just want to write about something that quite annoyed me today. But, me being me, and me being ashamed of the way I am didn't challenge what someone else had to say.
I was in the hairdressers earlier and I was talking about the neighbour that I had a lot of problems with and who, the police had been out to numerous times etc etc etc. I had said how I had had paramedics at my door late at night thinking that they could gain access to his from mine. She said a long the lines of that they had regularly had them coming in to the hair dressers and also the police as they thought they could gain access from there also. So, then she started going on about how it was because he would call up saying he had tried to kill himself by taking ODs etc etc etc. How he was a crazy person who just wasn't right in the head and she felt that if he was going to kill himself, why didn't he just go off somewhere and do it properly, not bring everyone else in to it and he was being selfish, he was attention seeking and that that was his problem and there was nothing wrong with him other than he was just attention seeking.
It did make me a little angry. Obviously, I have had a lot of issues with this guy and wanted him out the flat below me as of the problems he had caused me. Mental health problems or not, when he starts trashing his place at 2am in the morning and threatens to kill my other neighbours, threatens me, causes criminal damage to near by property, it's not someone you really want to be sharing a building with is it? Not when you are prone to anxiety yourself and when sleep is a big indicator of when things can start to spiral for you. But, the way she was talking about him made me angry. I don't have any time for this guy, but at the same time, I don't want to see him having the wrong opinion formed about him because he has mental health issues. This guy, obviously has alcohol problems. But why? Why does he drink so much? Is it to forget, to numb? What has gone on in his life which lead him to drink too much? We don't know do we?
There are always going to be these people that make these assumptions about others. People who make assumptions that because someone self harms, makes an attempt at their life that they are just doing it for attention. People are so ill informed about mental health and that bothers me. But, what also bothers me is that I won't use my own experiences publicly to challenge this.
I am not really sure how much of that makes sense. I don't know if I have got across what I have meant to get across there. I have had a bit to drink tonight, I'm not drunk, but, I have had a drink, so I may possibly come back to this.
I also need to write about my session with G on Thursday.
I was in the hairdressers earlier and I was talking about the neighbour that I had a lot of problems with and who, the police had been out to numerous times etc etc etc. I had said how I had had paramedics at my door late at night thinking that they could gain access to his from mine. She said a long the lines of that they had regularly had them coming in to the hair dressers and also the police as they thought they could gain access from there also. So, then she started going on about how it was because he would call up saying he had tried to kill himself by taking ODs etc etc etc. How he was a crazy person who just wasn't right in the head and she felt that if he was going to kill himself, why didn't he just go off somewhere and do it properly, not bring everyone else in to it and he was being selfish, he was attention seeking and that that was his problem and there was nothing wrong with him other than he was just attention seeking.
It did make me a little angry. Obviously, I have had a lot of issues with this guy and wanted him out the flat below me as of the problems he had caused me. Mental health problems or not, when he starts trashing his place at 2am in the morning and threatens to kill my other neighbours, threatens me, causes criminal damage to near by property, it's not someone you really want to be sharing a building with is it? Not when you are prone to anxiety yourself and when sleep is a big indicator of when things can start to spiral for you. But, the way she was talking about him made me angry. I don't have any time for this guy, but at the same time, I don't want to see him having the wrong opinion formed about him because he has mental health issues. This guy, obviously has alcohol problems. But why? Why does he drink so much? Is it to forget, to numb? What has gone on in his life which lead him to drink too much? We don't know do we?
There are always going to be these people that make these assumptions about others. People who make assumptions that because someone self harms, makes an attempt at their life that they are just doing it for attention. People are so ill informed about mental health and that bothers me. But, what also bothers me is that I won't use my own experiences publicly to challenge this.
I am not really sure how much of that makes sense. I don't know if I have got across what I have meant to get across there. I have had a bit to drink tonight, I'm not drunk, but, I have had a drink, so I may possibly come back to this.
I also need to write about my session with G on Thursday.
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Informal
They've asked me to go informally. Either that or they tell my mum everything so I said I'd go. They need to see if there is a bed first. Waiting to hear.
Update at 17.55
I have spoken to the team a couple of times. There are no beds. They still wanted to tell my Mum. I have managed to put them off. I spoke to them the first time and said I could either lie and say I would be fine or I could tell them the truth and say that although it wasn't in my plans tonight I couldn't guarantee anything. I didn't say I would do anything, just that I was really struggling and that I don't know how much longer I can hang on for. On the second call they gave me the options again saying they had been trying for beds but still couldn't get one and they would need to speak to my Mum. I said I really didn't want that as would make things worse. I said I couldn't do that to her. She is in counselling herself for the relationship breakdown.
They asked why would I not want her to know and was worried about her finding out how I was feeling or finding me dead. I didn't say it, I couldn't but the reason is because, I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out if I was dead. I would be gone. How selfish am I?
In the end they agreed that if I call crisis team at 7pm and speak to them and the duty team can call me tomorrow at 10am then they wouldn't go in telling my Mum. Duty team want me to go in tomorrow. I will, but again I am going to tell them I don't want their input as I can deal with things much better on my own. If I hadn't had all this going on today I wouldn't have had the extra stress making me more certain of planning things. The last time people were involved and I was honest I ended up sectioned. Worst possible scenario. So I don't want it now!
I feel awful. I feel like the most selfish person alive. And as of that in a vicious circle.
I don't want to go into hospital. I suppose if it's informal I have more control over things. But at the same time, the place makes me stir crazy. But again, if it's informal I can leave when I want. No, I don't want to go. I don't want anyone involved. The only thing I am sure of at the moment is the feeling of being suicidal.
Update at 17.55
I have spoken to the team a couple of times. There are no beds. They still wanted to tell my Mum. I have managed to put them off. I spoke to them the first time and said I could either lie and say I would be fine or I could tell them the truth and say that although it wasn't in my plans tonight I couldn't guarantee anything. I didn't say I would do anything, just that I was really struggling and that I don't know how much longer I can hang on for. On the second call they gave me the options again saying they had been trying for beds but still couldn't get one and they would need to speak to my Mum. I said I really didn't want that as would make things worse. I said I couldn't do that to her. She is in counselling herself for the relationship breakdown.
They asked why would I not want her to know and was worried about her finding out how I was feeling or finding me dead. I didn't say it, I couldn't but the reason is because, I wouldn't have to deal with the fall out if I was dead. I would be gone. How selfish am I?
In the end they agreed that if I call crisis team at 7pm and speak to them and the duty team can call me tomorrow at 10am then they wouldn't go in telling my Mum. Duty team want me to go in tomorrow. I will, but again I am going to tell them I don't want their input as I can deal with things much better on my own. If I hadn't had all this going on today I wouldn't have had the extra stress making me more certain of planning things. The last time people were involved and I was honest I ended up sectioned. Worst possible scenario. So I don't want it now!
I feel awful. I feel like the most selfish person alive. And as of that in a vicious circle.
I don't want to go into hospital. I suppose if it's informal I have more control over things. But at the same time, the place makes me stir crazy. But again, if it's informal I can leave when I want. No, I don't want to go. I don't want anyone involved. The only thing I am sure of at the moment is the feeling of being suicidal.
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Blog Carnival - Stigma and Discrimination.
This is quite an important topic to me. So important I am writing my dissertation for my Masters in Social Work on it. In particular the stigma of personality disorders.
With people I know, i.e friends and family I don't make well known the problems I have experienced or experience. Being a Social Work student perhaps I should be more able to let other people be aware of the issues that I face. But I don't. The reason being is I fear discrimination. The friends (if you can call them that, I have written posts before on the problems I have had with friends) that do know about some of the problems have seemed to have distanced themselves from me. The night I fell over and broke my ankle saw me being open-ish with them about what has been going on. Since then, I have not heard from them and not seen them. That's two and a half months ago. I have been left out of group things and no one has really been in contact. I wonder if they think it's catching, or, if they just don't want the hassle of having a friend who is slightly different to them.
I say that in being a student in Social Work I should probably be more open. You know, fighting for acceptance etc of mental health. But in reality, I know there is massive stigma and discrimination of people with MH problems. There are all these campaigns out there such as Time to Change which promote the acceptance of people with MH problems and encourage people to speak out about it. I am a big believer in this. I believe that people should be able to openly discuss that they have problems. I mean, if someone had a physical illness such as diabetes they wouldn't be chastised for talking about that. So why with MH? Yet, even though I am a believer in this, I can't find it in myself to be open with people I know or meet about it.
I want to be a MH Social Worker. I eventually want to do my AMHP's training. Surly as someone who wants to do this I should feel that I could be more open about the issues I have faced? But no, it's because I fear discrimination and stigma.
It's not just the wider society a person experiences stigma and discrimination. It's from the inside also. Especially if you are fortunate enough to have been given the "diagnosis" of a personality disorder. I wont go on about my thoughts of the concept and diagnosis of PD as I have many times before. There are studies out there that have shown that the patient with the diagnosis of PD is the least preferred patient. So what does this mean?
Off the top of my head and sorry if I am wrong, but 1 in 3 people will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life. 30% of people with MH problems have been diagnosed as having a PD. I don't know if this means that nearly 10 in 100 therefore are able to be diagnosed with a PD? Maybe I am getting it round my neck. But either way, the prevalence of PD is quite high. So, why is this the diagnosis that experiences most stigma and discrimination? You would have thought that a person who works in mental health would be used to dealing with people who are diagnosed with this (considering the prevalence), so why the stigma? It's something I am going to look into more when I start writing the dissertation.
I have also seen the stigma and discrimination first hand. Some of the things that qualified members of staff have come out with... such as "that's typical, she's PD" in regards to someone being upset over an event. "Be careful with them, they're a PD patient, they'll switch and use anything you tell them against you". "Typical PD" about someone who self harmed. I have seen people who have been diagnosed as having a PD being treated as second class citizens. This was in a unit specifically for PD. You would expect the staff to be a little more understanding and less harming to patients really. This particular unit I worked at has been in the news a couple of times recently as of bad management though, first a patient succeeded in killing her self as her obs weren't done correctly and then because of a riot breaking out! It was a horrendous place and I was so glad when I found another job to go to. Again, I have written more about this unit previously.
I have noticed the stigma when being in hospital. For instance, when I have had to go to the ED as of self harming or suicide attempts I have found that the staff have been very brisk with me. There is one member of staff who hates me. Well there's probably more but she makes it quite well known. She says things like "you are being a silly girl". "I thought you were going to sort your self out". "There's people who need our help out there"... and a few other nasty comments which have just not been needed. There has been a doctor when I asked how long it was likely to be (in a nice pleasant way) snap at me and say "bloody typical of you self harmers, you come here after self harming, expect to be patched up and rushed through". Never in the ED has someone asked why? They see self harm as an attention seeking thing.
When I have been at the hospital as my own accident proneness (usually 2x a year that is in no way related to self harm), I have been treated with respect, they have been nice to me and caring and showed an interest in my life.
It's not just with self harm that they are bad. I went in with a service user a few months ago. Basically I was concerned that the stress she was under because of the housing issues would trigger an episode for her as they had in the past. So I went out my way to take her to the emergency doctor, miles away from her house and then to the ED as the emergency doctor wouldn't do anything. Anyway, I took her to the ED as I wanted to get her seen by someone as I was concerned. They were awful to her. Shoved her in a cubicle and didn't come check on her or anything. 6 hours we waited and not once did they come to volunteer how long it was likely to be. The only information I got was when I kept asking and asking and then eventually saying I felt we were being fobbed off as no one was telling me anything.
Everyone holds prejudices. If you think you don't then you are not human. It's how you handle them that count. I have also written posts on the prejudices that I hold. But, most people learn to not let them affect what they do. I leave my own personal feelings and values at the door when making decisions. I think in some cases they are ingrained in to you from a young age.
When I was growing up I lived near a Psychiatric Hospital. We used to scare each other with stories of what the "psychos" would do and we would worry about them escaping. This is from being about 4 or 5 and talking about it with your friends. I have found myself correcting people now though about it. My brother being one of them calling it a mad house. And then he was getting it all wrong about the difference between the drug and alcohol ward and the normal wards (normal psychiatric wards). I was trying to explain that not all the people and the D+A ward were mentally unwell etc etc etc. And he was trying to tell me how it had moved from a place where it wasn't to the place he was now. Anyway, I had a lot of correcting to do. But it's amazing how people will describe psychiatric hospitals and wards with such throw away words like "mad house, crazies, loony bin" and a few others. Why can people get away with this, you don't hear people talking about physical illnesses like that. Why is it worse to be seen talking about someone with a physical illness in a derogatory way and not a person with mental health problems?
I've not quite written this blog how I wanted to so maybe I will come back to it and change it at a later point, but for now it will do...
xxx
With people I know, i.e friends and family I don't make well known the problems I have experienced or experience. Being a Social Work student perhaps I should be more able to let other people be aware of the issues that I face. But I don't. The reason being is I fear discrimination. The friends (if you can call them that, I have written posts before on the problems I have had with friends) that do know about some of the problems have seemed to have distanced themselves from me. The night I fell over and broke my ankle saw me being open-ish with them about what has been going on. Since then, I have not heard from them and not seen them. That's two and a half months ago. I have been left out of group things and no one has really been in contact. I wonder if they think it's catching, or, if they just don't want the hassle of having a friend who is slightly different to them.
I say that in being a student in Social Work I should probably be more open. You know, fighting for acceptance etc of mental health. But in reality, I know there is massive stigma and discrimination of people with MH problems. There are all these campaigns out there such as Time to Change which promote the acceptance of people with MH problems and encourage people to speak out about it. I am a big believer in this. I believe that people should be able to openly discuss that they have problems. I mean, if someone had a physical illness such as diabetes they wouldn't be chastised for talking about that. So why with MH? Yet, even though I am a believer in this, I can't find it in myself to be open with people I know or meet about it.
I want to be a MH Social Worker. I eventually want to do my AMHP's training. Surly as someone who wants to do this I should feel that I could be more open about the issues I have faced? But no, it's because I fear discrimination and stigma.
It's not just the wider society a person experiences stigma and discrimination. It's from the inside also. Especially if you are fortunate enough to have been given the "diagnosis" of a personality disorder. I wont go on about my thoughts of the concept and diagnosis of PD as I have many times before. There are studies out there that have shown that the patient with the diagnosis of PD is the least preferred patient. So what does this mean?
Off the top of my head and sorry if I am wrong, but 1 in 3 people will experience a mental health problem at some point in their life. 30% of people with MH problems have been diagnosed as having a PD. I don't know if this means that nearly 10 in 100 therefore are able to be diagnosed with a PD? Maybe I am getting it round my neck. But either way, the prevalence of PD is quite high. So, why is this the diagnosis that experiences most stigma and discrimination? You would have thought that a person who works in mental health would be used to dealing with people who are diagnosed with this (considering the prevalence), so why the stigma? It's something I am going to look into more when I start writing the dissertation.
I have also seen the stigma and discrimination first hand. Some of the things that qualified members of staff have come out with... such as "that's typical, she's PD" in regards to someone being upset over an event. "Be careful with them, they're a PD patient, they'll switch and use anything you tell them against you". "Typical PD" about someone who self harmed. I have seen people who have been diagnosed as having a PD being treated as second class citizens. This was in a unit specifically for PD. You would expect the staff to be a little more understanding and less harming to patients really. This particular unit I worked at has been in the news a couple of times recently as of bad management though, first a patient succeeded in killing her self as her obs weren't done correctly and then because of a riot breaking out! It was a horrendous place and I was so glad when I found another job to go to. Again, I have written more about this unit previously.
I have noticed the stigma when being in hospital. For instance, when I have had to go to the ED as of self harming or suicide attempts I have found that the staff have been very brisk with me. There is one member of staff who hates me. Well there's probably more but she makes it quite well known. She says things like "you are being a silly girl". "I thought you were going to sort your self out". "There's people who need our help out there"... and a few other nasty comments which have just not been needed. There has been a doctor when I asked how long it was likely to be (in a nice pleasant way) snap at me and say "bloody typical of you self harmers, you come here after self harming, expect to be patched up and rushed through". Never in the ED has someone asked why? They see self harm as an attention seeking thing.
When I have been at the hospital as my own accident proneness (usually 2x a year that is in no way related to self harm), I have been treated with respect, they have been nice to me and caring and showed an interest in my life.
It's not just with self harm that they are bad. I went in with a service user a few months ago. Basically I was concerned that the stress she was under because of the housing issues would trigger an episode for her as they had in the past. So I went out my way to take her to the emergency doctor, miles away from her house and then to the ED as the emergency doctor wouldn't do anything. Anyway, I took her to the ED as I wanted to get her seen by someone as I was concerned. They were awful to her. Shoved her in a cubicle and didn't come check on her or anything. 6 hours we waited and not once did they come to volunteer how long it was likely to be. The only information I got was when I kept asking and asking and then eventually saying I felt we were being fobbed off as no one was telling me anything.
Everyone holds prejudices. If you think you don't then you are not human. It's how you handle them that count. I have also written posts on the prejudices that I hold. But, most people learn to not let them affect what they do. I leave my own personal feelings and values at the door when making decisions. I think in some cases they are ingrained in to you from a young age.
When I was growing up I lived near a Psychiatric Hospital. We used to scare each other with stories of what the "psychos" would do and we would worry about them escaping. This is from being about 4 or 5 and talking about it with your friends. I have found myself correcting people now though about it. My brother being one of them calling it a mad house. And then he was getting it all wrong about the difference between the drug and alcohol ward and the normal wards (normal psychiatric wards). I was trying to explain that not all the people and the D+A ward were mentally unwell etc etc etc. And he was trying to tell me how it had moved from a place where it wasn't to the place he was now. Anyway, I had a lot of correcting to do. But it's amazing how people will describe psychiatric hospitals and wards with such throw away words like "mad house, crazies, loony bin" and a few others. Why can people get away with this, you don't hear people talking about physical illnesses like that. Why is it worse to be seen talking about someone with a physical illness in a derogatory way and not a person with mental health problems?
I've not quite written this blog how I wanted to so maybe I will come back to it and change it at a later point, but for now it will do...
xxx
Tuesday, 1 February 2011
Letter to Gom.
Dear Gom,
This month has been a year since we officially broke up for the last time. It has also been 10 months since I last saw you and about 10 weeks since you last sent me any correspondence. I thought writing you a letter would be therapeutic. Lets see shall we? You always said you hated that I wasn't honest with you so here we go!
I've done a lot since we broke up. I've travelled around Asia on my own, I suppose I do have you to thank for the love of travel as without you I would have never travelled. I fell off a motorbike while in Asia and 3 months later after getting home winded up in hospital as of the infection. I went on holiday with the family. The one that you were also invited on when it was all being arranged. You said you didn't want to go at the time. I understood why and I said I wouldn't go either. However, due to being ill from the infection I was coerced in to it as didn't really have any excuses as to why not. I started uni. I am finally going somewhere career wise and I know what I want to do and I am doing what I need to do to get me there.
Also though, my mental health problems have come back. The self harming is at it's worst. I suppose there is nothing holding me back. When we were together you used to get so angry at me for cutting and you used to know when I was going to do it, sometimes even before I did. Where as now, I don't have to show anyone my legs. I don't know if the depression returning and the self harm being at it's worst is related to our break up. I can't see that it can be really as we broke up last February and it only really started in September. Ok there were a few incidents after the break up but they were usually related to too much alcohol. I think the worst back then was when I had drank far too much one evening and then I had an impulsive moment where I ligated. I can't remember much about it. I vaguely remember leaving the bar and going up an alley way. I found a bungie cord and wrapped it around my neck. I must have passed out as I came around in the resus area at the hospital. I was pinned to a board and had one of those collars on me. They said I had tried to hang my self and then told me what with. I told them I was fine and that I hadn't tried to hang myself. I even denied the ligating. I am a crap liar though and my face gave it away as had loads of broken capillaries and I had bruising and rope burn where the cord had been. I look back on that incident now and kinda wished that had have killed me. I would have been dead if no one would have found me. I remember something about my sats being at 70%. Quite an easy way really as I would have just fallen asleep and never have known any better. They tried restraining me to the board as they said they were worried about my neck. I said ok but as soon as their backs were turned I had pulled every thing off and tried to do a runner. That got me a security escort. I suppose that was the closest I came really.
So how we broke up. It really messed me up. I suppose it would do to anyone. We were together 8 years. 8 and a half to be precise. I know we weren't without our problems and we had broken up so many times before and got back together. This time I didn't think it would be any different. It kind of came out the blue back in September 2009 when you said you wanted to break up as only a couple of weeks earlier we were talking of getting married. However, as things progressed I decided what we needed was a break. So I booked to go travelling. I honestly thought that I would go and when I came back it would be enough time a part and we would get back together. We had a lot of break ups where we got back together and I just thought this one would be the same. To humour you I said I would move out when I went travelling. Thinking oh yeah, he'll soon miss me and when I get back we'll be back living together. You went really weird on me. You kept shouting at me for no reason and you hit me and were quite violent with me on a couple of occasions. You had been in the past but usually I had instigated the violence so I suppose when you hit me I had asked for it. I don't condone domestic violence at all. I know I lost my temper with you on so many occasions and threw things at you and swung out at you. So on these occasions when you retaliated I couldn't blame you. Yet there were occasions where you were the one who started.
The first time was waaay back in 2006. We had been drinking and arguing but then you got really scary. I called the police as you were really scaring me. I hid in the spare room under the bed and you came in and dragged me out and started pushing me around. I was screaming at you to stop. I managed to get the door closed and locked on you and called the police. By the time they got there you were cool as a cucumber and I was in hysterics in the spare room bundled in a duvet. The police woman came in to the room and tried calming me down. They asked what happened and I explained. They said as it was your house and I didn't want you arrested ( I know thinking about this now seems stupid, why call the police if you don't want anything done. But you had calmed down and I thought that it could ruin our relationship if I got you arrested) one of us had to leave the house as they couldn't leave us together if it was a domestic violence call. Being as though you owned the house I was the one who had to go. So I went and stayed at a friends house.
A few weeks after the incident I got a voicemail left from the police on my phone saying they have looked in to my complaint and wont be taking it further as they didn't feel I was risk of anymore violence from you.
That was the first time it happened where I had not really done anything to provoke you. You did used to get angry and throw things when you were angry, sometimes at me also but it usually missed as I moved quick enough.
The next time was just before we ended in Feb. There was a period of about 10 days where there were a few incidents.
The first was when you pushed me and I went flying across the living room as I jokingly told you to move out the fucking way in a jokey sarcastic tone which you thought I was being serious. You shouted at me and then pushed me really hard.
The second in this cycle where I was watching tv 2 rooms away and I could never hear you when you shouted from another room anyway. It used to annoy you but I can't help being deaf. You were shouting at me to help you with something. I was having a hard time of it over the past few days and was having low mood and grrr for no reason. When I heard you you started going mad at me as you had paint on your hands and you wanted me to squeeze some fairy up liquid in to your hands to wash them as you didn't want to get paint on the bottle. The way you asked me and the way I was feeling resulted in me having a bit of a strop and squeezing it really hard making loads come out. You then called me a stupid fucking bitch and as I walked behind you you elbowed me really hard in the stomach winding me. I was really shocked and upset and my response was to clout you round the head. So you chased after me then punched me twice really hard, as hard as you could in my shoulder blades. It meant I couldn't lift my arm properly and had to call in sick at work as I wouldn't have been able to restrain. I lay in bed that morning crying as of the hurtful things you said to me. You said I was being lazy and it was that I didn't want to go to work. You then abused me loads more.
The third was when you chased me again as I was running away from you up the stairs as you had swung out at me and you threw something at me as I was running up the stairs.
There were more occasions also where you threw things at me. I did consider going to the police after we broke up. But we had broken up and I thought it would have been more out of spite than anything. But at the same time if you could lose your temper like that with me maybe you would with future girlfriends. Maybe I should have done so something about you having done it in the past. But I always thought, who will believe me. I have mental health problems. Who will believe me they will think I am just doing it out of spite. Part of it would have been. Well most of it would have been but in the end I didn't.
So the break up. You had been acting really weird. You had been out the night before and it took you ages before you came to bed. The next morning you were carrying your phone around with you everywhere which was not like you. Your friends and family used to contact me to get hold of you. I knew something was going on. When you went in the shower you left your phone and I picked it up and looked at the messages. You had been in contact with a girl and you were arranging to meet her that night. You had told me you were going out with a friend. You had even asked me to give you a lift to go and play pool. I asked you who she was and you said no one. We started arguing and I said you could at least have the decency to wait until I went away before you started seeing other people.You responded with you are a fucking bitch, I hate you, I don't want you living here so if you don't like it fuck off somewhere else as you are not wanted here.
I stormed out the house with his phone in my hand still. I drove around aimlessly for a bit and looked at your phone and gathered that you were arranging to meet her that night. You kept calling me and calling me on my mobile. I went to my parents and was sobbing on her shoulder. I hacked your facebook and hotmail and found that there was a few girls you were emailing and keeping in contact with. This one girl you were meeting that night you had spun a web of lies telling her things like we owned the house together and you were in the process of buying me out, that we were in separate rooms and a load of other stuff I couldn't really understand why you had said. I hacked your paypal account and transferred the savings I had put in your account for safe keeping back to me as I was worried you may not give them to me.
That night when you got in I asked you if you were still going to play pool with your friend. You said yes. I then said I knew where you were really going and if you were still going to go. You still said yes. So I told you if you went do not even think about coming back to the house. You went. That was on the Wednesday I didn't see you until the Saturday. I don't know where you were and I hadn't even heard from you. On the Saturday we had another argument. You got really spiteful and pushed me around a bit. I said I couldn't bare to be around you and then you kept going on how it was your house and that I should get out. In the end you asked if you could borrow my phone to call your mum to come get you. I still hadn't given you yours back. Why should I when you were arranging dates and stuff. I disconnected the land line also. So you called your mum.
Next thing I know you both storm in to the bedroom. I was in bed watching tv and you are with your mum with a load of boxes saying get out. Get some stuff together and get out. You said you couldn't be in the house alone with me as you were scared. What a load of crap. I felt like a psych patient. You both stood there watching me while I tried to put a few bits together. It was horrible. I said i needed to get changed and you both just stood there. I had to ask you to leave the room so I could get dressed. It was mortifying. I really did feel like a psychiatric patient. You made me feel so small. You really did make me question my own sanity. I wanted to speak you alone but you wouldn't send your mum away. As I went downstairs your mum said she was really sorry things worked out the way they had. She said how the family loved me and I said I loved all of them and she gave me a hug. I got changed and jumped in the car. I drove down to the river. Loads of thoughts were going through my mind and I didn't know what to do. I really wanted to talk to you. I was also thinking of just driving the car in to the river.
I called my brother but he wasn't available. I called my friend and she said go back. Get a few bits and get out of there. She knew that you could become violent and she said that I had kept going back to you time and time again and I should get some pride and stop. So I went back to the house. You had tried to lock me out by putting the key in the front door but I got in. I spoke to my brother and he said grab a few bits for the night and go stay with them until I went travelling. I knew by this point that this was it. I knew that I needed to not have you in my life anymore. You made me question my own sanity. You made me doubt myself.
I saw you a couple of times before I went travelling. One night I turned up at yours at about 4am really drunk thinking I still lived there. I had taken a few pills that night and was not quite with it. I was hallucinating and was quite out of it. You let me stay. The next morning you started telling me how I needed professional help and you thought I needed to be in psychiatric care.
I didn't really cry that much for you. I never cried in front of my friends and there was only the one occasion in front of family I cried. I was concerned about my mental health. The following week I was at work. It was on the Monday after the Saturday when it all happened. I was working on the psych assessment ward and I was having paranoia attacks. I was delusional. I was manic. Everything was going at a million miles an hour. There was no sequence to my thinking. I thought that I was a patient. I knew deep down I wasn't but I was having these thoughts. I was being paranoid that the doctors were really assessing me. I went to my GP that afternoon and said I need help. I want to be referred to psych services as I was concerned. I said I needed something to chill me out. I begged for some diazepam. I explained all that was going on and what I was feeling. The diazepam worked. It slowed things down and it brought me out of the manic state.
It was about this time I started to blood let. Not much at a time. Just more sticking a needle in to the vein and then letting it bleed. I didn't see this as self harm was wasn't serious. It was cutting that was self harm. So I went travelling and I was fine. I was happy. When I landed in Bangkok I could have cried. I never felt so free. So liberated. I hadn't cut since September. It was 6 months since I had cut. Then in May I was speaking to your sister and looking through her photos from her birthday and saw pictures of you with your arms round a girl. I knew it wasn't one of your sisters friends and had seen you became friends with her on facebook in March. I then realised this was a new girlfriend. I was so hurt. I tried getting hold of some friends back home but couldn't. I was on a night out with some girls I had met the day before on a tour so we were having a night drinking in Hue Vietnam. They could tell something wasn't right and I told them. They helped cheer me up and told me you weren't worth the upset when I had told them what had gone on in the past between us. I did cut that night. Well I started to. I was cutting and all of a sudden this thought came to me "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? DO NOT CUT OVER HIM"! So I didn't. I stopped. I wasn't going to chance getting ill as of infected wounds and even cutting over you. I cried and I cried though. They next day I felt so guilty. I was paranoid as I felt people would know what I had done with the cutting etc.
That night I was getting an over night train from Hue to Hanoi. I met this lovely guy on the train and we sat talking way in to the night drinking vodka. Nothing happened. I wouldn't tell you anyway and I am not telling you to make you jealous as I doubt you would be. But he was so nice. He reminded me not all men are dickheads. It was then I cut off all ties with you. I told you never to contact me again and I hated you. You tried calling me and calling me and sending me emails.
I was upset you had moved on so quickly. Here I was seemingly ok to other people about the break up between us and you had moved on and forgotten. Why should you be happy after how you had treated me. Why should you be able to move on and forget. I resented you. I hated you. For some stupid reason I still loved you.
I was told by a couple of different sources that your new girlfriend was VERY dull. I thought Raq was just saying that her being my friend and every thing. But when Neve told me also. She had spent quite a bit of time with you and LD (my term for looks a bit retarded - I can't exactly give her a nice name can I when she is your new bit). She said LD had nothing about her and really didn't know what you saw in her. But then you were an old man who was quite boring so you were probably quite a good match. From what I have heard it suprises me. It seems as though this girl has no ambition in life an lives for her job as shop assistant. Don't you want someone who has dreams and ambitions. Or is it just that. You like to feel as though you have the upper hand.
I saw you a couple of times before I went travelling. One night I turned up at yours at about 4am really drunk thinking I still lived there. I had taken a few pills that night and was not quite with it. I was hallucinating and was quite out of it. You let me stay. The next morning you started telling me how I needed professional help and you thought I needed to be in psychiatric care.
So the SH started in September again. Quite bad. The worst it's ever been. I don't know if it's related to you. I have seen so many different people. I have even been told being sectioned is a possibility. Seems you may have been right. You always did seem to know what was best for me. I think I should probably be in hospital. But, at the moment the threat of people finding out is enough for me to try and have some control over it. If family and friends knew then what control would I have. There would be no stopping me. I keep arguing with myself over it. My main thing is stigma. And people being aware of it and that it could affect my career chances. I tell myself and others like Mike (the psych nurse I have seen at psych medicine) and Sam (my counsellor) that if i was admitted then there would be no stopping me with the self harm. That it would get worse as I would have no reason to control it anymore as people would already know. I tell them it would send me over the edge pushing me further in. The thing is I know from having worked in psych myself that patients like me who I have worked with are the ones who end up on high obs so they can't SI. I know if I was a member of staff and we had someone like me I would ensure that they couldn't hurt themselves. It's stupid isn't it that I am even thinking of ways in which I would SH if I were to go in.
Anyway I will continue this on a different blog as getting rather long.
x
This month has been a year since we officially broke up for the last time. It has also been 10 months since I last saw you and about 10 weeks since you last sent me any correspondence. I thought writing you a letter would be therapeutic. Lets see shall we? You always said you hated that I wasn't honest with you so here we go!
I've done a lot since we broke up. I've travelled around Asia on my own, I suppose I do have you to thank for the love of travel as without you I would have never travelled. I fell off a motorbike while in Asia and 3 months later after getting home winded up in hospital as of the infection. I went on holiday with the family. The one that you were also invited on when it was all being arranged. You said you didn't want to go at the time. I understood why and I said I wouldn't go either. However, due to being ill from the infection I was coerced in to it as didn't really have any excuses as to why not. I started uni. I am finally going somewhere career wise and I know what I want to do and I am doing what I need to do to get me there.
Also though, my mental health problems have come back. The self harming is at it's worst. I suppose there is nothing holding me back. When we were together you used to get so angry at me for cutting and you used to know when I was going to do it, sometimes even before I did. Where as now, I don't have to show anyone my legs. I don't know if the depression returning and the self harm being at it's worst is related to our break up. I can't see that it can be really as we broke up last February and it only really started in September. Ok there were a few incidents after the break up but they were usually related to too much alcohol. I think the worst back then was when I had drank far too much one evening and then I had an impulsive moment where I ligated. I can't remember much about it. I vaguely remember leaving the bar and going up an alley way. I found a bungie cord and wrapped it around my neck. I must have passed out as I came around in the resus area at the hospital. I was pinned to a board and had one of those collars on me. They said I had tried to hang my self and then told me what with. I told them I was fine and that I hadn't tried to hang myself. I even denied the ligating. I am a crap liar though and my face gave it away as had loads of broken capillaries and I had bruising and rope burn where the cord had been. I look back on that incident now and kinda wished that had have killed me. I would have been dead if no one would have found me. I remember something about my sats being at 70%. Quite an easy way really as I would have just fallen asleep and never have known any better. They tried restraining me to the board as they said they were worried about my neck. I said ok but as soon as their backs were turned I had pulled every thing off and tried to do a runner. That got me a security escort. I suppose that was the closest I came really.
So how we broke up. It really messed me up. I suppose it would do to anyone. We were together 8 years. 8 and a half to be precise. I know we weren't without our problems and we had broken up so many times before and got back together. This time I didn't think it would be any different. It kind of came out the blue back in September 2009 when you said you wanted to break up as only a couple of weeks earlier we were talking of getting married. However, as things progressed I decided what we needed was a break. So I booked to go travelling. I honestly thought that I would go and when I came back it would be enough time a part and we would get back together. We had a lot of break ups where we got back together and I just thought this one would be the same. To humour you I said I would move out when I went travelling. Thinking oh yeah, he'll soon miss me and when I get back we'll be back living together. You went really weird on me. You kept shouting at me for no reason and you hit me and were quite violent with me on a couple of occasions. You had been in the past but usually I had instigated the violence so I suppose when you hit me I had asked for it. I don't condone domestic violence at all. I know I lost my temper with you on so many occasions and threw things at you and swung out at you. So on these occasions when you retaliated I couldn't blame you. Yet there were occasions where you were the one who started.
The first time was waaay back in 2006. We had been drinking and arguing but then you got really scary. I called the police as you were really scaring me. I hid in the spare room under the bed and you came in and dragged me out and started pushing me around. I was screaming at you to stop. I managed to get the door closed and locked on you and called the police. By the time they got there you were cool as a cucumber and I was in hysterics in the spare room bundled in a duvet. The police woman came in to the room and tried calming me down. They asked what happened and I explained. They said as it was your house and I didn't want you arrested ( I know thinking about this now seems stupid, why call the police if you don't want anything done. But you had calmed down and I thought that it could ruin our relationship if I got you arrested) one of us had to leave the house as they couldn't leave us together if it was a domestic violence call. Being as though you owned the house I was the one who had to go. So I went and stayed at a friends house.
A few weeks after the incident I got a voicemail left from the police on my phone saying they have looked in to my complaint and wont be taking it further as they didn't feel I was risk of anymore violence from you.
That was the first time it happened where I had not really done anything to provoke you. You did used to get angry and throw things when you were angry, sometimes at me also but it usually missed as I moved quick enough.
The next time was just before we ended in Feb. There was a period of about 10 days where there were a few incidents.
The first was when you pushed me and I went flying across the living room as I jokingly told you to move out the fucking way in a jokey sarcastic tone which you thought I was being serious. You shouted at me and then pushed me really hard.
The second in this cycle where I was watching tv 2 rooms away and I could never hear you when you shouted from another room anyway. It used to annoy you but I can't help being deaf. You were shouting at me to help you with something. I was having a hard time of it over the past few days and was having low mood and grrr for no reason. When I heard you you started going mad at me as you had paint on your hands and you wanted me to squeeze some fairy up liquid in to your hands to wash them as you didn't want to get paint on the bottle. The way you asked me and the way I was feeling resulted in me having a bit of a strop and squeezing it really hard making loads come out. You then called me a stupid fucking bitch and as I walked behind you you elbowed me really hard in the stomach winding me. I was really shocked and upset and my response was to clout you round the head. So you chased after me then punched me twice really hard, as hard as you could in my shoulder blades. It meant I couldn't lift my arm properly and had to call in sick at work as I wouldn't have been able to restrain. I lay in bed that morning crying as of the hurtful things you said to me. You said I was being lazy and it was that I didn't want to go to work. You then abused me loads more.
The third was when you chased me again as I was running away from you up the stairs as you had swung out at me and you threw something at me as I was running up the stairs.
There were more occasions also where you threw things at me. I did consider going to the police after we broke up. But we had broken up and I thought it would have been more out of spite than anything. But at the same time if you could lose your temper like that with me maybe you would with future girlfriends. Maybe I should have done so something about you having done it in the past. But I always thought, who will believe me. I have mental health problems. Who will believe me they will think I am just doing it out of spite. Part of it would have been. Well most of it would have been but in the end I didn't.
So the break up. You had been acting really weird. You had been out the night before and it took you ages before you came to bed. The next morning you were carrying your phone around with you everywhere which was not like you. Your friends and family used to contact me to get hold of you. I knew something was going on. When you went in the shower you left your phone and I picked it up and looked at the messages. You had been in contact with a girl and you were arranging to meet her that night. You had told me you were going out with a friend. You had even asked me to give you a lift to go and play pool. I asked you who she was and you said no one. We started arguing and I said you could at least have the decency to wait until I went away before you started seeing other people.You responded with you are a fucking bitch, I hate you, I don't want you living here so if you don't like it fuck off somewhere else as you are not wanted here.
I stormed out the house with his phone in my hand still. I drove around aimlessly for a bit and looked at your phone and gathered that you were arranging to meet her that night. You kept calling me and calling me on my mobile. I went to my parents and was sobbing on her shoulder. I hacked your facebook and hotmail and found that there was a few girls you were emailing and keeping in contact with. This one girl you were meeting that night you had spun a web of lies telling her things like we owned the house together and you were in the process of buying me out, that we were in separate rooms and a load of other stuff I couldn't really understand why you had said. I hacked your paypal account and transferred the savings I had put in your account for safe keeping back to me as I was worried you may not give them to me.
That night when you got in I asked you if you were still going to play pool with your friend. You said yes. I then said I knew where you were really going and if you were still going to go. You still said yes. So I told you if you went do not even think about coming back to the house. You went. That was on the Wednesday I didn't see you until the Saturday. I don't know where you were and I hadn't even heard from you. On the Saturday we had another argument. You got really spiteful and pushed me around a bit. I said I couldn't bare to be around you and then you kept going on how it was your house and that I should get out. In the end you asked if you could borrow my phone to call your mum to come get you. I still hadn't given you yours back. Why should I when you were arranging dates and stuff. I disconnected the land line also. So you called your mum.
Next thing I know you both storm in to the bedroom. I was in bed watching tv and you are with your mum with a load of boxes saying get out. Get some stuff together and get out. You said you couldn't be in the house alone with me as you were scared. What a load of crap. I felt like a psych patient. You both stood there watching me while I tried to put a few bits together. It was horrible. I said i needed to get changed and you both just stood there. I had to ask you to leave the room so I could get dressed. It was mortifying. I really did feel like a psychiatric patient. You made me feel so small. You really did make me question my own sanity. I wanted to speak you alone but you wouldn't send your mum away. As I went downstairs your mum said she was really sorry things worked out the way they had. She said how the family loved me and I said I loved all of them and she gave me a hug. I got changed and jumped in the car. I drove down to the river. Loads of thoughts were going through my mind and I didn't know what to do. I really wanted to talk to you. I was also thinking of just driving the car in to the river.
I called my brother but he wasn't available. I called my friend and she said go back. Get a few bits and get out of there. She knew that you could become violent and she said that I had kept going back to you time and time again and I should get some pride and stop. So I went back to the house. You had tried to lock me out by putting the key in the front door but I got in. I spoke to my brother and he said grab a few bits for the night and go stay with them until I went travelling. I knew by this point that this was it. I knew that I needed to not have you in my life anymore. You made me question my own sanity. You made me doubt myself.
I saw you a couple of times before I went travelling. One night I turned up at yours at about 4am really drunk thinking I still lived there. I had taken a few pills that night and was not quite with it. I was hallucinating and was quite out of it. You let me stay. The next morning you started telling me how I needed professional help and you thought I needed to be in psychiatric care.
I didn't really cry that much for you. I never cried in front of my friends and there was only the one occasion in front of family I cried. I was concerned about my mental health. The following week I was at work. It was on the Monday after the Saturday when it all happened. I was working on the psych assessment ward and I was having paranoia attacks. I was delusional. I was manic. Everything was going at a million miles an hour. There was no sequence to my thinking. I thought that I was a patient. I knew deep down I wasn't but I was having these thoughts. I was being paranoid that the doctors were really assessing me. I went to my GP that afternoon and said I need help. I want to be referred to psych services as I was concerned. I said I needed something to chill me out. I begged for some diazepam. I explained all that was going on and what I was feeling. The diazepam worked. It slowed things down and it brought me out of the manic state.
It was about this time I started to blood let. Not much at a time. Just more sticking a needle in to the vein and then letting it bleed. I didn't see this as self harm was wasn't serious. It was cutting that was self harm. So I went travelling and I was fine. I was happy. When I landed in Bangkok I could have cried. I never felt so free. So liberated. I hadn't cut since September. It was 6 months since I had cut. Then in May I was speaking to your sister and looking through her photos from her birthday and saw pictures of you with your arms round a girl. I knew it wasn't one of your sisters friends and had seen you became friends with her on facebook in March. I then realised this was a new girlfriend. I was so hurt. I tried getting hold of some friends back home but couldn't. I was on a night out with some girls I had met the day before on a tour so we were having a night drinking in Hue Vietnam. They could tell something wasn't right and I told them. They helped cheer me up and told me you weren't worth the upset when I had told them what had gone on in the past between us. I did cut that night. Well I started to. I was cutting and all of a sudden this thought came to me "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? DO NOT CUT OVER HIM"! So I didn't. I stopped. I wasn't going to chance getting ill as of infected wounds and even cutting over you. I cried and I cried though. They next day I felt so guilty. I was paranoid as I felt people would know what I had done with the cutting etc.
That night I was getting an over night train from Hue to Hanoi. I met this lovely guy on the train and we sat talking way in to the night drinking vodka. Nothing happened. I wouldn't tell you anyway and I am not telling you to make you jealous as I doubt you would be. But he was so nice. He reminded me not all men are dickheads. It was then I cut off all ties with you. I told you never to contact me again and I hated you. You tried calling me and calling me and sending me emails.
I was upset you had moved on so quickly. Here I was seemingly ok to other people about the break up between us and you had moved on and forgotten. Why should you be happy after how you had treated me. Why should you be able to move on and forget. I resented you. I hated you. For some stupid reason I still loved you.
I was told by a couple of different sources that your new girlfriend was VERY dull. I thought Raq was just saying that her being my friend and every thing. But when Neve told me also. She had spent quite a bit of time with you and LD (my term for looks a bit retarded - I can't exactly give her a nice name can I when she is your new bit). She said LD had nothing about her and really didn't know what you saw in her. But then you were an old man who was quite boring so you were probably quite a good match. From what I have heard it suprises me. It seems as though this girl has no ambition in life an lives for her job as shop assistant. Don't you want someone who has dreams and ambitions. Or is it just that. You like to feel as though you have the upper hand.
I saw you a couple of times before I went travelling. One night I turned up at yours at about 4am really drunk thinking I still lived there. I had taken a few pills that night and was not quite with it. I was hallucinating and was quite out of it. You let me stay. The next morning you started telling me how I needed professional help and you thought I needed to be in psychiatric care.
So the SH started in September again. Quite bad. The worst it's ever been. I don't know if it's related to you. I have seen so many different people. I have even been told being sectioned is a possibility. Seems you may have been right. You always did seem to know what was best for me. I think I should probably be in hospital. But, at the moment the threat of people finding out is enough for me to try and have some control over it. If family and friends knew then what control would I have. There would be no stopping me. I keep arguing with myself over it. My main thing is stigma. And people being aware of it and that it could affect my career chances. I tell myself and others like Mike (the psych nurse I have seen at psych medicine) and Sam (my counsellor) that if i was admitted then there would be no stopping me with the self harm. That it would get worse as I would have no reason to control it anymore as people would already know. I tell them it would send me over the edge pushing me further in. The thing is I know from having worked in psych myself that patients like me who I have worked with are the ones who end up on high obs so they can't SI. I know if I was a member of staff and we had someone like me I would ensure that they couldn't hurt themselves. It's stupid isn't it that I am even thinking of ways in which I would SH if I were to go in.
Anyway I will continue this on a different blog as getting rather long.
x
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Attention Seeking!
Dave says he is going to kill himself. Every night he writes how he can't handle life and there is no other way out. Dave has children, and a wife but it seems as though they don't feel or understand his pain. Every night for the past week Dave has said he has had enough and he has taken an overdose of something. Does Dave not know that is not the way out? Sorry, I know it sounds heartless but to me this is just Dave's way of getting attention. He goes on and on about how much he wants out yet uses methods that will not work. I don't know Dave that well. I know he is hurting and there are obviously issues. The way he writes screams personality disorder. The neediness, the constant wanting.
I know, me of all people should be supportive. However, there is only so many times you can say to people get help, what you are feeling is wrong. But this person doesn't listen, he doesn't do anything other than say I'm going to kill my self I've had enough. If someone is that serious then just do it! Don't keep writing about it and grasping out for the attention. I find it quite annoying how people pander to it. These people do not make it any better. It reassures the person if they behave in that way then if they do the same again they will get the same response. I've done it. I've been there and taken overdoses and have written about it while doing it. Have waited for peoples replies to my thread.
I know I sound heartless. It probably is. I have been on the other side where I have felt so suicidal I have done things to try and kill myself. Mainly overdoses. I know now that that is not the way to do it. It will just make you sick and is painful and drawn out. Someone will usually figure out what is wrong with you before anything happens and you will get treatment. I read a lot of blogs; mainly medical ones. I have a fascination with medicine. There was one blog that really caught my eye it was medic999 I follow him so check him out. He wrote about a nurse from down south who od'd on paracetamol, went to a hotel and waited a couple of days. She went to a hotel outside her area as she knew that if she was in her area her collegues would be the ones who had to try and save her, and more than likely fail. She was in for a long and painful death. She was probably past the stage where you could get a liver transplant. That's another question that I am unsure of. If someone tries to kill themselves by way of overdose and the only way to save them is a liver transplant...should they get one? I mean. there are people on the waiting list for transplants that need them, they through no fault of their own need that transplant so they don't die. Yet someone can jump infront of them in the queue who tried to kill themselves. They don't value their life and they are taking the chance of life away from someone who really wants it. I know the person who took the overdose would have to consent to surgery and if they wanted to die then they would not consent. But still. It's weird for me to take this stance. I mean, I self harm, I have taken overdoses. I have been and still am quite suicidal.
I have even gone as far as telling a friend to take an overdose. But wait, before you judge let me explain why and the situation. My friend is a neurotic, needy person. She was with this guy for a couple of years. She was always coming to me with some problem or the other and to be honest she was treating him like shit! She would not let him be his own person and wanted to mould him in to what she wanted. She was really awful to him and I felt sorry for him. On numerous occasions I had said to her you are being out of order and if you don't do something about it you will lose him! But she didn't listen. So he finally broke up with her. I actually felt like congratulating him for standing on his own two feet for a change and freeing his balls from her vice like grasp.
Anyway, the break up hit her hard. I was there for her as you do as a friend. Went round, made her tea, listened to her, spoke to her in the middle of the night when we was upset and never said anything bad. But then it started getting that she was relying on me far too much, that I couldn't live my own life. She got to the stage where she was going on about it all the time and it was wearing me down. I tried to take a back seat by not answering her calls but she would call on the home number and my parents would answer etc. In the end she was going on and on about how she didn't feel life was worth living. I said to her don't be stupid. You are starting at uni in September, you have got a lot going on for you. And, if I can get through a 9 year break up (on the surface to other people I look as though I am coping) then you can.
She then was saying how she couldn't live without him and she was considering taking her medication for night terrors. I could tell by the way she was saying it there was no seriousness in it. I asked her how many pills she had and she said about 10. So I told her to take them! It shocked her in to seriously thinking about things and the way she was. I knew that they would not do any harm other than make her sleep for a bit. And, I thought she needed a mental health assessment so I thought it would be a good way of making sure she got one! I knew the pills wouldn't do her any harm, but she didn't. Also, in her telling me I thought that if she really wanted to die she wouldn't say she was going to as I had keys to her house and I would have gone round there and I would have got help etc. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I put too much of my own feelings in to it thinking how I am when I have been suicidal or wanting to self harm etc. I don't tell anyone! But my method worked anyway. It made her sit back and look at things.
My other friends thought it was quite ammusing anyway!
So, what I suppose I am talking about her, is how can I take this view point when I myself have been one of the "oh another self harmer" and "oh, you again". I suppose when I am self harming I don't think about the long term or even the immediate future of having to go to A+E to get stitched up. I think about how good it feels to be making the cut. Nothing else matters at the time. I even got corrected by a counsellor I went to see last week. I was talking about self harm and I said I have worked with self harmers and I am a self harmer. She said "no, you have worked with people who self harm and you are a person who self harms". You can expect to find the labelling and negative stereotyping from people who don't do it, but when you do it your self, what's that all about?
If you look at the list of blogs that I follow you can see I have a bit of a fascination with medicine and hospitals. My friend even said to me not long ago that I was weird as I like hospitals. I wouldn't go that far. But growing up I wanted to be a doctor. Then reality hit and I realised you actually needed to put more than average effort in and get more than average grades to study medicine. I gave up my dream at about 14 when I realised I was Miss Average! I think also I am scared of failure and never like to give things all my effort incase I still get average grades. I know they are grossly inaccurate but I love and always have loved programmes such as Casualty, Holby City, ER and so on. I know the facts are not right on them and not even being medically trained I get annoyed when the defib pads aren't in the right place, CPR is not being carried out deep enough, that they defib when it's not a shockable rhythm, and when they leave bra's etc on when doing defibs. But I love the programmes still. I also watch the more real life ones like helicopter hero's, the real A+E. My parents take the piss as I only seem to watch medical based TV.
I think maybe I have chosen the wrong career. I know doing the Social Worker training in a few years I will not be able to afford to go back to the bottom rung of the ladder and taking a massive pay cut. Don't get me wrong, I do think I will be a good SW. I never let my opinions of someone show, I listen to people, I don't let other peoples views of someone cloud my own judgement. I will make my own judgement. I think I am quite a good judge of character also.
I know that TV glamifies positions like Doctors, paramedics and nurses. In reading these peoples blogs they talk about a nice job or a good job being one that involves trauma, not picking people up off the floor who have had a few too many. I know that if I was one I would spend most of my day dealing with drunk people etc, but it doesn't stop me having a slight niggling feeling that I maybe should have re-done a couple of A-Levels and gone in to medicine!
Oh and if anyone does read this and has got this far can you leave me a comment to let me know what you think of my viewpoint. It would be interesting to see if other people share the same views as me...or if I am mad!
I know, me of all people should be supportive. However, there is only so many times you can say to people get help, what you are feeling is wrong. But this person doesn't listen, he doesn't do anything other than say I'm going to kill my self I've had enough. If someone is that serious then just do it! Don't keep writing about it and grasping out for the attention. I find it quite annoying how people pander to it. These people do not make it any better. It reassures the person if they behave in that way then if they do the same again they will get the same response. I've done it. I've been there and taken overdoses and have written about it while doing it. Have waited for peoples replies to my thread.
I know I sound heartless. It probably is. I have been on the other side where I have felt so suicidal I have done things to try and kill myself. Mainly overdoses. I know now that that is not the way to do it. It will just make you sick and is painful and drawn out. Someone will usually figure out what is wrong with you before anything happens and you will get treatment. I read a lot of blogs; mainly medical ones. I have a fascination with medicine. There was one blog that really caught my eye it was medic999 I follow him so check him out. He wrote about a nurse from down south who od'd on paracetamol, went to a hotel and waited a couple of days. She went to a hotel outside her area as she knew that if she was in her area her collegues would be the ones who had to try and save her, and more than likely fail. She was in for a long and painful death. She was probably past the stage where you could get a liver transplant. That's another question that I am unsure of. If someone tries to kill themselves by way of overdose and the only way to save them is a liver transplant...should they get one? I mean. there are people on the waiting list for transplants that need them, they through no fault of their own need that transplant so they don't die. Yet someone can jump infront of them in the queue who tried to kill themselves. They don't value their life and they are taking the chance of life away from someone who really wants it. I know the person who took the overdose would have to consent to surgery and if they wanted to die then they would not consent. But still. It's weird for me to take this stance. I mean, I self harm, I have taken overdoses. I have been and still am quite suicidal.
I have even gone as far as telling a friend to take an overdose. But wait, before you judge let me explain why and the situation. My friend is a neurotic, needy person. She was with this guy for a couple of years. She was always coming to me with some problem or the other and to be honest she was treating him like shit! She would not let him be his own person and wanted to mould him in to what she wanted. She was really awful to him and I felt sorry for him. On numerous occasions I had said to her you are being out of order and if you don't do something about it you will lose him! But she didn't listen. So he finally broke up with her. I actually felt like congratulating him for standing on his own two feet for a change and freeing his balls from her vice like grasp.
Anyway, the break up hit her hard. I was there for her as you do as a friend. Went round, made her tea, listened to her, spoke to her in the middle of the night when we was upset and never said anything bad. But then it started getting that she was relying on me far too much, that I couldn't live my own life. She got to the stage where she was going on about it all the time and it was wearing me down. I tried to take a back seat by not answering her calls but she would call on the home number and my parents would answer etc. In the end she was going on and on about how she didn't feel life was worth living. I said to her don't be stupid. You are starting at uni in September, you have got a lot going on for you. And, if I can get through a 9 year break up (on the surface to other people I look as though I am coping) then you can.
She then was saying how she couldn't live without him and she was considering taking her medication for night terrors. I could tell by the way she was saying it there was no seriousness in it. I asked her how many pills she had and she said about 10. So I told her to take them! It shocked her in to seriously thinking about things and the way she was. I knew that they would not do any harm other than make her sleep for a bit. And, I thought she needed a mental health assessment so I thought it would be a good way of making sure she got one! I knew the pills wouldn't do her any harm, but she didn't. Also, in her telling me I thought that if she really wanted to die she wouldn't say she was going to as I had keys to her house and I would have gone round there and I would have got help etc. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I put too much of my own feelings in to it thinking how I am when I have been suicidal or wanting to self harm etc. I don't tell anyone! But my method worked anyway. It made her sit back and look at things.
My other friends thought it was quite ammusing anyway!
So, what I suppose I am talking about her, is how can I take this view point when I myself have been one of the "oh another self harmer" and "oh, you again". I suppose when I am self harming I don't think about the long term or even the immediate future of having to go to A+E to get stitched up. I think about how good it feels to be making the cut. Nothing else matters at the time. I even got corrected by a counsellor I went to see last week. I was talking about self harm and I said I have worked with self harmers and I am a self harmer. She said "no, you have worked with people who self harm and you are a person who self harms". You can expect to find the labelling and negative stereotyping from people who don't do it, but when you do it your self, what's that all about?
If you look at the list of blogs that I follow you can see I have a bit of a fascination with medicine and hospitals. My friend even said to me not long ago that I was weird as I like hospitals. I wouldn't go that far. But growing up I wanted to be a doctor. Then reality hit and I realised you actually needed to put more than average effort in and get more than average grades to study medicine. I gave up my dream at about 14 when I realised I was Miss Average! I think also I am scared of failure and never like to give things all my effort incase I still get average grades. I know they are grossly inaccurate but I love and always have loved programmes such as Casualty, Holby City, ER and so on. I know the facts are not right on them and not even being medically trained I get annoyed when the defib pads aren't in the right place, CPR is not being carried out deep enough, that they defib when it's not a shockable rhythm, and when they leave bra's etc on when doing defibs. But I love the programmes still. I also watch the more real life ones like helicopter hero's, the real A+E. My parents take the piss as I only seem to watch medical based TV.
I think maybe I have chosen the wrong career. I know doing the Social Worker training in a few years I will not be able to afford to go back to the bottom rung of the ladder and taking a massive pay cut. Don't get me wrong, I do think I will be a good SW. I never let my opinions of someone show, I listen to people, I don't let other peoples views of someone cloud my own judgement. I will make my own judgement. I think I am quite a good judge of character also.
I know that TV glamifies positions like Doctors, paramedics and nurses. In reading these peoples blogs they talk about a nice job or a good job being one that involves trauma, not picking people up off the floor who have had a few too many. I know that if I was one I would spend most of my day dealing with drunk people etc, but it doesn't stop me having a slight niggling feeling that I maybe should have re-done a couple of A-Levels and gone in to medicine!
Oh and if anyone does read this and has got this far can you leave me a comment to let me know what you think of my viewpoint. It would be interesting to see if other people share the same views as me...or if I am mad!
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
10 Facts
Some surprising medical facts for you to consider whilst going about your daily chores today:
1) No-one in the entire world can touch all their own teeth with their tongue.
2) Mad people everywhere are now trying this.
4) You've just tried, and discovered this to be untrue.
5) Now you're sitting there with a crazed smile on your face.
5) Bet you didn't notice that I'd skipped number 3!
6) And now you've gone back to check.
7) Bet you didn't notice that I'd skipped number 6 either.
8) Fooled again...
9) Bet you didn't notice that number 5 appears twice!
10) Now that hopefully you've got a smile on your face, remember that that's what it's all about, and go back to your daily chores...
1) No-one in the entire world can touch all their own teeth with their tongue.
2) Mad people everywhere are now trying this.
4) You've just tried, and discovered this to be untrue.
5) Now you're sitting there with a crazed smile on your face.
5) Bet you didn't notice that I'd skipped number 3!
6) And now you've gone back to check.
7) Bet you didn't notice that I'd skipped number 6 either.
8) Fooled again...
9) Bet you didn't notice that number 5 appears twice!
10) Now that hopefully you've got a smile on your face, remember that that's what it's all about, and go back to your daily chores...
Saturday, 2 October 2010
It's been a while but here I am again!
So,
it's been a year since I last blogged and I used it as a method of getting things off my chest. So I thought I would try again being as though things are beginning to be a bit shit again. I've had mental health problems in the past with being depressed and self harming and even suicide attempts. I was at my worst about 2 years ago when I was severely depressed and was self harming on a regular basis. So, I'm starting this again being as though I am feeling depressed again. I don't know why, that is the annoying and worrying thing. I have cut down on my drinking loads as I was wondering if that was having an effect but after having a week off alcohol and not longer binging I am feeling no better. The self harm has started again and it is quite bad. I have gone back on to cutting. I am really concerned though as it started with cutting before and I progressed from there in to worse things and getting to a stage where I couldn't cope. I have been back on meds since Feb which was as of a preventative measure as I can out of a very hositle relationship and was worried at the time that it would set things off. Even with the daily emotional abuse I was getting in this relationship and sometimes even physical I felt that i had to hang on to this relationship as I loved him, I had been with him a long time; from going from a child in to an adult. We had talked about marriage and children and were planning them in the not too far future. We loved each other and were each others best friends and worst enemies. So when it came to an end I thought my world had ended. Yet somehow, even though life was shit and felt as though I was losing my sanity I managed to keep things together and didn't self harm or anything.
Yet now, I have come to terms with the end of the relationship and can see it was for the best. I feel positive about being single, I am enjoying being single, I am even enjoying living back with the parents. I've started a new chapter in my life and have moved on. There is a new guy on the scene who I quite like but I don't want anything serious at the moment. I have started a masters to better myself and finally get a career. I know what I want out of my life. So the question is ask is why the hell do I feel like this? It started a couple of weeks back, that I noticed anyway. It used to be others around me noticed I was depressed again before I even realised. I don't know where it came from but something in me wanted to self harm and also overdose. I had a few Diazepam that I had brought back from Asia and ended up taking those. I did it while my friend was here, why I don't know. Usually I am very private about my MH. I don't discuss things. She figured out something was wrong as she came upstairs and noticed the empty packets. She called ambulance and I was taken in and was kept in for 2 nights. It was on coming out of hospital that suddenly the black cloud re-appeared and my mood went so low that I didn't know what to do. Well I did and it was the wrong thing...it was self harming. It was a way of coping. I can't feel the pain when I cut. A little scratch maybe at first but then once you can feel the razor making those deep incisions, slicing through tissue it's like a calm sereene washes over me. Something happens where I just feel so calm and relaxed. The feeling of the blood pouring down my leg is better than any sex, better than any pill or medication. I don't understand what it is. I don't get why it helps or even what I am escaping from.
Even the feeling of it at the time overrules the feeling of awfulness of sitting in the ED waiting to be seen by horrible nurses who have seen it so many times, who hate it, who think it is just an attention seeking ploy. I have said myself on here that people do self harm for the attention. I know they do. I work with people like it. But they get everyone to feed in to it. They use it as a way of getting what they want. I have worked in psych care for about 2 years now and have seen my fair share of self harmers. I have seen the people who do it for similar reasons to myself and also the people who use it as an attention seeking ploy. Yes, I hate the way I am treated at the ED when I go in. People don't understand self harm. Even as a self harmer I don't understand it. You get asked why you do it, do you want to speak to someone and then you are left in a busy waiting room feeling anxious and upset as the feeling of the euphoria is wearing off and you want to cut some more, you want to get out of there but at the same time you still have a little high left from remembering the feeling you felt when you were slicing through your own tissue. And that's why I usually drink. So I can deal with being in the ED better. So the alcohol makes you not care. I don't drink and then self harm. I don't self harm because I have been drinking. I just know that for me excuse the pun but it's not going to cut it unless there is serious damage. I know when I self harm I am going to have to get it sewn up. I know if I don't I could risk losing a limb etc.
My self harm varies. It can be planned or it can be on the spare of a moment. I can plan it a few days in advance even. Getting the tools I need to do it. Making sure I will not be disturbed that night. I bet people are thinking well if you are planning on doing it and it's not a suicide attempt then surly you can do something about it. But, what about the people who go out and take drugs....they plan that. Drug taking is self harm and probably more dangerous so why think of this as being any different? People smoke, people drink; they plan that they are going to get so out of it and lose all inhibitions and maybe even have one night stands, risk STD's, unplanned pregnancy, getting seriously injured as they are so drunk. I plan cutting myself. What's the big deal. It's not going to have long term affects like the above. I am not saying what I do is normal. I know it's not normal. I know i need to stop. I want the help to stop before getting to the stage where I feel suicidal again. But writing about why helps me get off my chest why I do it. Why it is important to me at the moment and maybe possibly even trying to normalise it for myself. Trying to make myself think it is ok to do so. I could go on forever trying to normalise it, trying to rationalise my reasons for it. Maybe, as me with a MH background should even see here that it is not right. That I need help.
I know I do!
I have asked for help. I spoke to someone at psych medicine department. He was a nurse. I could tell he was annoyed with me. I could tell he had read my file and seen the diagnosis. Which I have argued and argued with the Psychiatrist about in the past saying it was a load of crap and the only reason they were saying that was as they were using it as a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis as being depressed and having poor coping mechanisms is not a diagnosis. So, I went to my GP and said you need to help me, I don't know what has triggered it but I know I need help, counselling, a mental health assessment, anything. I have even been prescribed lorazepam to try and help me. I am reluctant to take it. I sleep a lot at the moment anyway without having that knock me out. I need to be awake and be doing uni work. Not out of it on a benzo. I suppose they are there for when I feel really bad though. Like when i get overly angry and I want to self harm for the wrong reasons.
I know I am weird!
it's been a year since I last blogged and I used it as a method of getting things off my chest. So I thought I would try again being as though things are beginning to be a bit shit again. I've had mental health problems in the past with being depressed and self harming and even suicide attempts. I was at my worst about 2 years ago when I was severely depressed and was self harming on a regular basis. So, I'm starting this again being as though I am feeling depressed again. I don't know why, that is the annoying and worrying thing. I have cut down on my drinking loads as I was wondering if that was having an effect but after having a week off alcohol and not longer binging I am feeling no better. The self harm has started again and it is quite bad. I have gone back on to cutting. I am really concerned though as it started with cutting before and I progressed from there in to worse things and getting to a stage where I couldn't cope. I have been back on meds since Feb which was as of a preventative measure as I can out of a very hositle relationship and was worried at the time that it would set things off. Even with the daily emotional abuse I was getting in this relationship and sometimes even physical I felt that i had to hang on to this relationship as I loved him, I had been with him a long time; from going from a child in to an adult. We had talked about marriage and children and were planning them in the not too far future. We loved each other and were each others best friends and worst enemies. So when it came to an end I thought my world had ended. Yet somehow, even though life was shit and felt as though I was losing my sanity I managed to keep things together and didn't self harm or anything.
Yet now, I have come to terms with the end of the relationship and can see it was for the best. I feel positive about being single, I am enjoying being single, I am even enjoying living back with the parents. I've started a new chapter in my life and have moved on. There is a new guy on the scene who I quite like but I don't want anything serious at the moment. I have started a masters to better myself and finally get a career. I know what I want out of my life. So the question is ask is why the hell do I feel like this? It started a couple of weeks back, that I noticed anyway. It used to be others around me noticed I was depressed again before I even realised. I don't know where it came from but something in me wanted to self harm and also overdose. I had a few Diazepam that I had brought back from Asia and ended up taking those. I did it while my friend was here, why I don't know. Usually I am very private about my MH. I don't discuss things. She figured out something was wrong as she came upstairs and noticed the empty packets. She called ambulance and I was taken in and was kept in for 2 nights. It was on coming out of hospital that suddenly the black cloud re-appeared and my mood went so low that I didn't know what to do. Well I did and it was the wrong thing...it was self harming. It was a way of coping. I can't feel the pain when I cut. A little scratch maybe at first but then once you can feel the razor making those deep incisions, slicing through tissue it's like a calm sereene washes over me. Something happens where I just feel so calm and relaxed. The feeling of the blood pouring down my leg is better than any sex, better than any pill or medication. I don't understand what it is. I don't get why it helps or even what I am escaping from.
Even the feeling of it at the time overrules the feeling of awfulness of sitting in the ED waiting to be seen by horrible nurses who have seen it so many times, who hate it, who think it is just an attention seeking ploy. I have said myself on here that people do self harm for the attention. I know they do. I work with people like it. But they get everyone to feed in to it. They use it as a way of getting what they want. I have worked in psych care for about 2 years now and have seen my fair share of self harmers. I have seen the people who do it for similar reasons to myself and also the people who use it as an attention seeking ploy. Yes, I hate the way I am treated at the ED when I go in. People don't understand self harm. Even as a self harmer I don't understand it. You get asked why you do it, do you want to speak to someone and then you are left in a busy waiting room feeling anxious and upset as the feeling of the euphoria is wearing off and you want to cut some more, you want to get out of there but at the same time you still have a little high left from remembering the feeling you felt when you were slicing through your own tissue. And that's why I usually drink. So I can deal with being in the ED better. So the alcohol makes you not care. I don't drink and then self harm. I don't self harm because I have been drinking. I just know that for me excuse the pun but it's not going to cut it unless there is serious damage. I know when I self harm I am going to have to get it sewn up. I know if I don't I could risk losing a limb etc.
My self harm varies. It can be planned or it can be on the spare of a moment. I can plan it a few days in advance even. Getting the tools I need to do it. Making sure I will not be disturbed that night. I bet people are thinking well if you are planning on doing it and it's not a suicide attempt then surly you can do something about it. But, what about the people who go out and take drugs....they plan that. Drug taking is self harm and probably more dangerous so why think of this as being any different? People smoke, people drink; they plan that they are going to get so out of it and lose all inhibitions and maybe even have one night stands, risk STD's, unplanned pregnancy, getting seriously injured as they are so drunk. I plan cutting myself. What's the big deal. It's not going to have long term affects like the above. I am not saying what I do is normal. I know it's not normal. I know i need to stop. I want the help to stop before getting to the stage where I feel suicidal again. But writing about why helps me get off my chest why I do it. Why it is important to me at the moment and maybe possibly even trying to normalise it for myself. Trying to make myself think it is ok to do so. I could go on forever trying to normalise it, trying to rationalise my reasons for it. Maybe, as me with a MH background should even see here that it is not right. That I need help.
I know I do!
I have asked for help. I spoke to someone at psych medicine department. He was a nurse. I could tell he was annoyed with me. I could tell he had read my file and seen the diagnosis. Which I have argued and argued with the Psychiatrist about in the past saying it was a load of crap and the only reason they were saying that was as they were using it as a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis as being depressed and having poor coping mechanisms is not a diagnosis. So, I went to my GP and said you need to help me, I don't know what has triggered it but I know I need help, counselling, a mental health assessment, anything. I have even been prescribed lorazepam to try and help me. I am reluctant to take it. I sleep a lot at the moment anyway without having that knock me out. I need to be awake and be doing uni work. Not out of it on a benzo. I suppose they are there for when I feel really bad though. Like when i get overly angry and I want to self harm for the wrong reasons.
I know I am weird!
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