More Musings

Things are getting worse.

I know I shouldn't have stopped taking the meds but I can't cope with the way they make me feel. If I take them at night they affect my sleep so much that I feel like crap as I haven't had any sleep. If I take them during the day they make me feel so sick I can't function. So basically I can't function on them. I know they worked in improving my mood but I can't be doing with the physical side effects also. I last took one on Tuesday evening but last had one on Thursday before that so it's a week since I have taken them properly. Surly they wouldn't be out my system that quickly?

Things have gotten bad again for me. I am planning on self harming in a few days as to get some escape. I have mentioned it to Sam but I have not told her the extent on which I am planning. I know she would have to break confidentiality and I have said because of this I would not even say if I was planning on doing worse. I am a stubborn person, I know that I am going to do it on the day that I have chosen to do it. There is nothing that can be done that will stop me. So I can't see the point in talking about it with a counsellor as I have already made my mind up.

It has taken over me though. All I keep thinking about is that day and what and how I will do it. It seems so stupid actually writing it down. To read it it probably appears "oh another person seeking attention". If it was an attention thing people would know about the self harm. I wouldn't wait for people to be out, I would tell people about it and talk about it and my feelings. But no, I keep them to myself. Well and the people that read this but no one knows who I am and I use this as more of a diary and don't actually think anyone would be interested in reading my rambling thoughts.

Is the news more sad at the moment or is it me? I found myself crying at over 50% of the stories. I have even cried at adverts. It's getting stupid. I try and put a brave face on. But I think I over compensate and have been coming across as hyper and a bit mad. Oh well, being a bit mad adds character!

Anyway, on to something else that has been bothering me.

Babies.

I am so bloody broody. I even stood in front of the mirror this morning and stuck my belly out to see what it would look like if I was pregnant. I look at pregnant people and am so jealous. Lots of my school friends have kids now and their pictures are all over Facebook. I see what clothes they put them in and think "I wouldn't do that, you have made them look like a mini chav".  I see kids in pushchairs with a dummy in and hate it and think to myself how I am never going to let my kid have a dummy as I hate to see kids with a dummy in. Especially when the kid is about 4 years old. Chavs! Not the kids, the parents. I over hear what parents say to their kids and think "you shouldn't speak to them like that, I wouldn't if they were mine". I have all these ideas about parenting and I know it sounds big headed but I think I would make a good mum. Strict, fair and loving. Ignore tantrums and not give in. I don't with my nephew. If I can be strict but firm with him and he is not even mine then surly it will follow with my own.

I do have a slight problem though...no one to make the baby with. I wont do the one night stand thing and get pregnant. Not yet anyway. If I get to 35 and I have not had kids then maybe then. At the moment I want the family thing. I don't want to lose the respect of my friends and family by being silly and getting pregnany off a one night stand.

I don't think I think that having a baby would "cure" me. I don't think it would make my problems magically go away. I am aware that as I already have a history of mental health problems I would probably get quite bad post natal depression. And, I know that it is not fair to bring a child up with me being the way I am at the moment. Maybe there is some naive thought processes in there similar to those that some teenage girls have that want something to unconditionally love and be loved back from. I don't think so though. My friends all laugh at me as I have been broody since I was about 13. They know that I am first in there to offer to hold someones kid, I love being around kids. I love how they hold a magical view of the world. I find child development fascinating and would love to see it happen with my own. So I know it's not just about being pregnant and having a new born. In fact, I find new borns quite dull. But, I do want the experience of being pregnant. Ideal for me would be pregnancy, and have a 3 month old born. No pain though. I am a wuss when it comes to pain. I have already decided I want an epidural and all the pain killers going. Free, legal drugs, who'd be stupid enough to turn those down.... That was a joke it would be kind of irresponsable to get pregnant just for the drugs. 

I think pregnant women look beautiful. Not the chavy ones who wear short tops and show their bump off that way, but a nice fitted top so you can't see skin.

 I know it wont happen any time soon. But, it doesn't stop me having dreams that I am pregnant and have a child. I have managed to deal kind of ok with Gom moving in his new girlfriend. Yeh, it upsets me but I can deal with it. It's when I find out she's pregnant that's I am not going to be able to deal with.

So what do I do now... make the most of having 2 of the most gorgeous nephews in the world. Practice makes perfect. One thing I will remember Gom for is when nephew number 1 was born he made a comment along the lines of, "yeah, we'll babysit, good practice, at least if we screw up they're not ours and can return them".

Oh, another piece of news I have, non baby related though. I went for assessment with a nurse the other day which I was referred to by the useless Psychiatrist I saw. Waste of time. She basically told me my case was too complex, I was still self harming so no one would see me and is going to refer me back to the waste of time Psychiatrist I saw before. I have an appointment with my GP on Monday. I know I am going to have to tell him about the meds and me not taking them. The psych suggested another one to take. I hold no faith in it. I have researched it and a lot of clincal trials have shown it is no better than a placebo. So not holding out for that one. I think I am going to ask to go back on Mirtazapine.

Well, this diary entry has run dry so I'll sign off.

x

I feel...

I am feeling...

I don't know how I am feeling. At the moment all I am feeling is kinda depressed. It's worse today for some reason. I don't know why. I even cried while watching The Little Mermaid earlier. What's all that about. I got quite nostalgic I suppose. It is the first film I ever went to see at the cinema. I would have been about 5.

My family are so ignorent to what is going on. Yesterday my Dad asked me if I was feeling any happier now. What was I supposed to say to that. I could have blown up at him but no I didn't. I just said yeh yeh. I feel sad of course I do but the depression is more than just feeling sad. It's a weight, it's something that lurks there all the time. It doesn't go away until one day it is just gone. I can physically feel it. I have been suffering on and off since I was about 15-16. Didn't actually realise I was until I was about 22. I started self harming when I was 22 also. I suppose in the past I had with alcohol consumption and hitting myself and punching things but it wasn't until I was 22 that I started cutting.

I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on Monday. I don't know what to say to him. I hope it's a bloke anyway. I am weird like that. It is assumed as I am female I would prefer to see a female nurse/docto/counsellor etc. I am not like that though. I know I have issues with trust and for some reason I find my self being able to be more open with a male. So, this appointment. I feel nervous about it. How honest should I be. I am scared that if I am too honest I will get packed off to hospital. But then don't they say crazy people don't know they are crazy? How do I explain to him the auditory hallucinations, the "smell". When I am bad there is always this smell that is there.
The auditory hallucinations are the same thing of someone shouting my name. I know there is no one doing it but it scares me all the same. Do I tell him that I am feeling suicical. That although I haven't set a date or anything I find myself making plans. Thinking about ways so that it wont look like a suicide. At the moment my thing is to fall infront of a car. I know I should be thinking about the person driving and what it will do to them. But there is part of me that is being really selfish. My other thing is if I do have to have an operation to get this needle out my arm lie that I haven't eaten or drunk anything and hope for some reaction with the anesthetic.

I've been having these weird de ja vu things recently. Well I have had them in the past but they are happening more and more. Basically what it is I will dream something and then weeks later I will be in that situation. It's nothing major like an event but just a situation like who I am with, the place that I am even if I have never been there before. It's really quite weird. It doesn't bother me as it is not as though I am dreaming about something happening and then it happens it is more of being somewhere. Maybe I can dream about what the lottery numbers will be. I say that, that means I want to win the lottery. Does that mean I can see a way outside of the depression. I don't know. If everything was fine then I wouldn't be feeling like this would I?

My feelings at the moment can be summed up by a couple of lines from different songs...
"I find it kinda funny I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had".
And
"I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either".

I know I haven't got a personality disorder even if that's what the "professionals" are trying to say I have. I know to be diagnosed with the PD they think I have you need to meet 5/9 of the criteria on the diagnostic test. I only meet 3. But then I meet 3 on others so does that mean I have those also? I really hate the term PD. While I accept there are people with quite obvious PD's I am not one of them. I have worked with PD patients and I am not like that. I feel annoyed that they try to diagnose that as it's a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis and they like to pathologise you. Part of me wants to go to this appointment on Monday ready to argue my case about not having PD with my argument all ready and prepared. I have already got defensive about it so I don't actually see what they can do for me. It makes me really angry about things and because of the nature of the diagnoses there is I don't think that people will listen to me.

My thoughts are just racing and racing tonight which is why I thought I would get some stuff written down to see if it would help calm me down. It hasn't. I get it sometimes where things go through my head at a million miles an hour, i can't concentrate on anything and can't relax. I feel as though all my senses are on overdrive and are super alert to everything going on around me. Everything just seems as though it's really sped up. Does anyone else get what I mean, is it normal as part of depression?

This isn't really working for me!

It Needs To Stop!

So Sunday I self harmed again. Another hospital trip. They said I was being uncooperative and didn't understand why I locked myself in the toilet when I had said there was no way I could sit in crowded waiting room. So, that got me seen by crisis team. They were told that I had tried to hang myself in the toilet. No! I didn't. I didn't ligate or anything, that's not my style. They put me in a cubicle and I fell asleep as I had taken a lorazepam earlier and that set them off saying I had taken an OD. I hadn't. I took the loraz to try and help me, to knock me out before I could do anything and it only kicked in about 2 hours later when I was at the hospital.

So they were wanting to do bloods and stuff and I refused saying I wanted to get home and in to bed as the loraz was zombifying me and I knew that if I was subjected to bloods I would be in ages. I laughed when the crisis team showed up. I said do I look like someone who has tried to hang themselves. Do I have broken capillaries etc, and if I was suicidal do you think I would be doing it in the toilet in the A+E dept. I said to them that I don't know where they got the info that I had tried to do that as was not the case, I didn't need to see them and I was going to be making an appointment with the Psychiatrist as had had a letter through asking me to call and make appointment. I said I was sorry that they had been made to waste their time, and that the A+E dept staff were saying that so that I would be seen quicker by them as they wanted the bed.

Anyway, apart from being angry, low and wanting to self harm constantly, I have rung for an appointment with the Psychiatrist. Can't get one until the end of November. I have also spoke to the nurse who has been helping me quite a bit and he said he has spoke to these people at harmless and I should be able to get something sorted with them quite soon as they have appointments and he said that that will probably help me a lot more than seeing the Psychiatrist. He said he didn't think I was depressed. I don't know what consistent low mood for no reason is then. I also spoke to him about this appointment...not knowing how far away it would be at the time and basically said to him that I was worried as all the Psychiatrist would see is the previous diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and write me off from the start. I have argued and argued before that it is not that. I was telling him my reasoning about how I knew how it needed to be diagnosed and that you need to fit in certain amounts of criteria on the diagnostic scale and I said that I didn't fit as many as needed to be there. Ok, there were a couple but not all of them. I was saying that there were a few on each personality disorder thing that I recognised and I know for a fact I am not them. Most people will have traits that fit in on personality disorder scales. I was saying how I was annoyed that Psychiatrists just have to tick boxes and is all about diagnosis and pathologising you in categories. And he said he agreed with me and was all about choices that I make and I need to regain some control over why and when happens. I said I knew all this already and I needed help in doing so. He said that the psychiatrist wouldn't do that but this organisation would be able to help. So just hope can get seen by them soon.

I just hope it is soon as the self harming behaviour is getting out of hand now. I know I need the help and I am doing what I can to get it. I don't want it to get to the stage of where I am suicidal again as I can't cope with it anymore. It's so annoying!

I know if people do read these you will think that I am doing it for attention. But can I point out that this is not the case. I don't write about it on here so I can get attention from people. I don't even know if other people read this. But I use it as my sounding board to get things off my chest. I use it to pour my emotions out and remain anonymous. No one knows the extent of the self harm. Ok, so the hospital does and the nurse I speak to does. But no one in my family has any idea. My brother knows it is something I used to do. But that is it. No one even knows I am depressed or what ever it is as according to nurse man he doesn't think I am. I am managing to function at the moment and put a brave face on. I don't talk about my feelings with anyone. I did mention to one friend after the first time of cutting badly in ages that I had done so and that I was feeling depressed again and I was worried as I knew what happened before to me and I was recognising the start of the pattern. She doesn't know the full extent of what was happening 2 years ago. I don't talk to family and friends about it as they have their own problems going on and I am not going to wear them down with mine also. It is not fair on them. I am really worried though as I live with my parents and think that they may notice that things aren't right with me. I can't put a brave face on all the time. So what do I do, I hide out in my room. And that must be being noticed. Very few people know about the self harm in the past. I have a couple of friends who know it is something I used to do, but they don't know the extent. But that is it. Another reason for me keeping it so private is that there is still a big stigma attached to self harm and mental illness.

Although I don't class myself as mentally ill, there is still stigma that comes attached to it. Also, I am afraid if people do know then it will get out of hand. At the moment I feel as though I have some control over it. I can limit it to when no one is around or take myself off somewhere. But if people became aware it was something I did I think I would lose that being shy about it and lose control and not be bothered that there are other people in the house when I am doing it. It would become a more regular occurrence. I mean say for instance I was hospitalised...as I was told it was a direction I was heading in if things continue the way they are, then what have I got to stop me. My fear of people finding out would no longer be there as people would know. On that subject....the nurse said to me it could happen. My understanding of what he was saying was if I lost control over it more so and got back to where I was then could happen that I would be put on a Psych ward for assessment. Not sure if he was saying this to scare me or was a possibility. I have done quite a bit of work on the Psych wards in the hospitals around here and so know the staff and also a lot of patients. So there was this factor and the fact it would screw me up career wise. At the moment I am not suicidal and so this is bothering me immensely, but what if I lose that will to live, that will to have a career and become suicidal again. What happens then?