I feel like I wasted my time today.
I had to go see a Psychiatrist about the self harm etc. I don't agree with the diagnosis that they had previously said I have which is emotionally unstable personality disorder borderline type. I said to him numerous times that to be diagnosed you need to meet 5 of the 9 criteria and I only met about 2-3. I agree that there are some traits but then with personality disorders everyone meets traits in some of the categories. I said I meet traits in the other ones also does that mean I have those. A few weeks ago at uni we did a thing on personality disorders. It was a clinical psychologist who ran the lecture and he said to everyone, go through these list of personality disorders and I want everyone who doesn't meet any criteria on any of them to raise their hand. Funnily enough no one did. He said even himself that he met some criteria but doesn't mean he had a personality disorder. Just because I self harm they want to label it as a PD. I feel so angry!
So back to the appointment. He asked me a load of questions. I said to him from the start that its hard for me to be totally honest about what is going on as the thing I fear most is hospitalisation. So I basically told him that yes, I was feeling suicidal and that overdosing is not the way I would choose to do it. I said I would make it look like more of an accident. I also said I didn't have any plans. This much is true as I don't have definite plans. He asked me where I see my self in the future. I said to him honestly what I would like but I couldn't see that happening with the way I am feeling now. I talked about the low mood. I also talked about the thought racing, everything going a million miles an hour and how it can last for a few days at a time. Then it goes back to being low. I quickly brushed over how I sometimes see things that aren't there or hear things that aren't there when I feel like this but he didn't really seem to hear me. What I mean is he didn't ask me to elaborate so I don't think that is a worry from him. After an hour he comes back to the same thing..."I'm not saying you have a PD but there are traits there and you would be best treated by PD services". It makes me feel so angry. He did not listen to a word I said.
I have had my meds changed again. Now being put on Duloxetine and he said if that didn't work then would try Reboxetine. I have looked in to both of them as I do and I hod no faith in the reboxetine so hoping that the Duloxetine will help. I asked him if I could combine the Duloxetine with the Mirtazapine and he said he felt it would be bad practice and went on about how he didn't know me and would be bad of him to do that. I felt like saying "you don't know me but you are making assumptions about me already though"! I just feel so angry about today and felt that it was such a waste of time. I still feel really low and depressed but now I also have the feelings of anger to contend with. So he is referring me on to the PD services as he feels I should have some kind of psychotherapy to address why I self harm. He said he found it odd that I didn't start self harming until I was 22. I do also.
I don't know what I wanted to come out of the appointment today. Maybe I am feeling angry as I didn't get what I wanted...i.e a different diagnosis. I work in mental health already and I know the stigma that comes attached to PD's. It's not a definite diagnosis of it but it's there that there are traits. It makes me angry as every one has traits but it's not in their medical notes etc.
He was incredibly patronising also. You could tell he was doing a textbook assessment..."thank you for sharing that, we appreciate it very much and we know it must be hard for you". Over and over and over and over again. I felt like saying "please just stop reading from your textbook"! I am not stupid. I am aware of what is going on and I don't want to be treated like that. I appreciate some people may give a little more info etc if they feel that what they are saying is being taken with some empathy. I am not one of those. Don't do it with me!
So, I don't know how long it will take for this psychotherapy thing to come through. I have said there is no way I am doing group based therapy. The reasons being are that I work in the city as a mental health worker and don't want to risk being in therapy with my own service users. Also the course I am doing could mean that I am likely to come in to contact with SU's through the studies and placements. But also, group therapy is not for me. I am very private. OK, I know I write a blog about it but I don't think anyone actually reads this and it's not as though you know who I am. But, there is no way I can sit in a group and discuss my self harming and feelings of suicidalness. I find it really hard to open up to people and I have issues around trust so a group thing would just not work for me. I told him this but I will have to wait and see what happens. I was also told by one of the nurses at the local hospital that I wouldn't be able to do psychotherapy until I had not self harmed in about 12 months as of the risk of it making things worse. Who knows what this therapy will be like then.
I have ideas about what could be factors affecting the way I do now. The thing is I have never told anyone about it. I worry about what people think of me too much so to tell them about something that happened when I was 13 is too big a risk I can't take. It's not like sexual abuse or anything like that but some stuff happened and I feel to tell anyone would affect the way people think of me now even though it was 13years ago. There are also other things that I just wont talk about. I know I am not doing myself any favours. But I can't.