Thursday, 11 August 2011


I've been placed on a section 2.

I feel so sick. Waiting to hear about beds. I am already planning how to do away while I am there.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

It Is Getting Worse.

So first off what I wanted to say about my recent stay on medical wards.

You know I wrote that post in which I talked about my dream of being in hospital when I stabbed myself. I said it wasn't my hospital but it was the staff. Well turns out it was my hospital. It was the intensive care ward. The ward in which I was on over the weekend. I have never been on that ward, never visited anyone and had no idea what it was like. Until I was there and it was the same as my dream. It goes to show my dreams do show me things. Dreams have shown me things in the past but I have never had it where I have written about it and then, bam! I have been there. Kind of weird really. Does it mean my dreams can predict the future in some weird way?

Anyway, today.

So, summoned to the hospital to see Dr T and Beth. Dr T as usual was running late. So Beth sat with me in the waiting room. She was asking me loads of questions. She basically said that last week the only thing that would have stopped me from doing what I did would have been to use the MHA then. I just said nothing would stop me. She kept going over and over things. Talking about stuff that had happened that I didn't know about. A call to the police saying there was a dead body from someones mobile phone. I don't get why they didn't call an ambulance? Why the police? If you come across what you think is a dead body, unless quite obviously dead, such as being decapitated, or just some limbs, you would call an ambulance. Even if you felt for a pulse and couldn't find one, you would still call an ambulance. I find all that weird. So much so I wonder if that was actually the way in which things panned out. I mean, this team have been known to get things wrong before.

So in with Dr T. I can't make eye contact. I can't speak. All I can say is I don't want to see anyone and I won't work with anyone. Again, they asked me to go in to hospital on a voluntary basis. I said no. As I said before, I fear hospital more than I fear death.

Dr T then told me I was feeling angry at them. No, not particularly. I just want to be left alone. I feel that their input makes me worse. I said I wanted to go alone. They said they couldn't do that as they were worried and my actions had caused a lot of concern. And, my behaviour now was causing concern.

I was asked how I felt, I said I wished it had worked, what I didn't say was because I don't want to deal with what is going off now. Everyone knows. I never wanted that. I don't want anyone knowing. They asked if I was still having thoughts and I said I was but I didn't have any plans. And here they go again with getting it wrong. They said I had attempted in the past when I didn't have plans. Well, actually no! Every attempt has been planned. I didn't have the energy to attempt to argue with them. I don't have the energy to argue with them.

Dr T asked me if I thought I was unwell. I said no. I don't feel that I am. These feelings aren't any different to what I have been feeling for a long time. So I don't think I am unwell. I don't know what they think though. I couldn't look at them in the eye and I couldn't speak really. Just the occasional one word answer and the odd nod, shake and shrug. I tried to get out of my head and from what was going on. I noticed Beth's nice shoes and her purple toes, Dr T's very unfashionable black lace up shoes with a diamond kind of print socks. The carpet was blue with a small pattern in which I thought looked like a leopard print pattern, very discreet though. It smelt of paint. It smelt of a new building. Which it was. After all it's only been open less than a year.

I declined their input. Dr T said he would see me weekly, only yesterday I was told he is discharging me. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone.

Dr T asked Beth what she thought. She said I needed a Mental Health Act Assessment. She said they had a duty of care, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!! Dr T agreed and they asked me if I would wait in reception. I said I just wanted to go home. They asked me if I would agree to the assessment and I just kind of shrugged. I don't have a choice. I don't want them turning up at my door with the police and get me on a S135. It was quite late and I think Dr T wanted to see his last clients and go home. And, he wanted to get my GP involved. So they said an assessment would be arranged for tomorrow and they would come to my house. I don't know if it will be Dr T. I don't know who it will be. They are going to try and get my GP to come also, as I think he is supposed to be the doctor that knows me. I was asked to guarantee that I would keep myself safe tonight. Again, I said I didn't have plans so it was fine.

They did the whole going in to the past thing again. Wanting to know what has gone on in my life and any significant events. I said there were none. I am not sure if those things that happened are significant enough to cause this. Why does it have to be an event that causes it. Why can't it just be the way things are. I still feel it's all very Freudian. A Psychiatrist I don't have respect for as quite frankly, he was talking rubbish. I mean, how can you take someone seriously who comes up with things like the Oedipus and Alexis Complex. Really?

I was asked if I was ok to drive. They wanted to call my Mum and I said she was out. She was, she was at meetings. I said I only lived 5 minutes away and I would be fine. I got in my car. Composed myself. Then instead of turning right to go home I turned left. I wasn't really sure where I was heading. I was going to drive around my childhood haunts. Go and walk up to my wishing tree. This is a tree that when I was a kid, my friend and I used to go to and we used to believe it had magic powers to grant wishes. It was quite a cool tree and easy to climb. I went back there a few years ago. But, I had no energy. I couldn't be bothered to walk through the rain, through the park/forest what ever it's called to go find my tree. Instead, I drove to the cemetery.

When I have been really bad and at a low point I speak out loud to my Nan. Hoping that somehow, if I am doing such a wrong thing she will somehow let me know. I decided I was going to visit her and my Grandad's grave. I haven't been in about 2 years. No one tends to go. As a family we were never one for visiting people's graves, after all only the body is there and their soul has (supposedly, if you believe religion) gone to heaven. So if you wanted to talk to them you should pray. I went to the cemetery. There were no cars in the car park. Being as though it was an area in which some of the rioting at happened (it hit my city the other night with police stations being firebombed and shops in the city centre being looted), not majorly, but I didn't want some yob seeing my car all alone and think they could just nick it or set fire to it. The latter being more likely as not the type of car you steal as it's a rust bucket and takes about an hour to get from 0-60mph. I saw another car drive in to the cemetery so it's what I did.

I drove up to the grave. I got a blanket out and as I sat down, I looked around to ensure I wasn't in earshot of anyone and talked to my Nan and a little to my Grandad. He died when I was one so I never really knew him. But my Nan, well, she was second Mum. I was there about 45minutes. I apologised and asked that if there was some form of afterlife, could she some how let me know. Then I asked if it was because what I had done was against the religion she tried to bring me up as (Catholic...dragged to church every Sunday until she died when I was 15 and I have not been back since), and was that the reason why she wasn't making herself known to me?

I don't know what I believe when it comes to the whole death thing. I would like to think re-incarnation. As after all, forever after as a dead person, is a bloody long time. And I am not sure if I like that. I mean what if you marry, they die and you re marry, and they die. If there is such thing as heaven...who are you with? Think about it? It's not exactly the best thought out plans is it?

So after that I go home. I really don't want to go home. I said to my friend earlier, if I had the money I would do a runner for a while. Hop on a plane and get out of here. Disappear for a while. But, all I have is a shit load of debt and only £60 in cash. Won't get me far or last for long will it?

I think I am going to be sectioned. I won't work with them, and I don't know if they will just let me go on my merry way. I fear hospital more than I fear death. I have already started thinking about how I can do it while I am in hospital, if they make me go in. I have hidden needles in my belongings. So, hopefully, if I am searched they won't find all of them and I have some outlet still.

My career is fucked basically also.

I came home and spoke to my Mum telling her what was going to happen tomorrow. She made jokes like asking me if she should make them all a cuppa and try and butter them up. Me, I think make them a cuppa and put chloroform in it so I can do a runner. Didn't say this out loud though.

We then got talking about my Dad. She said that this whole situation had made her realise she was always being defensive about me and my brothers and she didn't like feeling like that. I agreed. He is hard work. So I came out with it and asked if they were going to break up. She said it was looking like that. She doesn't want to lead the rest of her life feeling defensive around my Dad. I just said I had seen it coming for a long time now and was surprised she lasted this long. I do worry about my Dad though. As much as I can't stand to be around him at times and I would hate for him to be here now. I don't think he could cope on his own.

I asked if she had thought about practicalities and she said she had. I asked what would happen to the house we live in now. She said she couldn't afford to run it on her own as it's a big house and the bills are large etc. So we talked about if it remained amicable would my Dad support her still in living in the house. It's a possibility. Also, there are2 very similar houses for sale on my road already. They are only on the market for about £400,000 and so is not a good time to sell as they are worth more than that. So, maybe we could stay here and my Dad would move to one of his houses that he owns. If they do split I hope it remains amicable between them.

So that's been my day. I think tomorrow I am going to end up in hospital. I am scared.

I have one friend telling me to lie, and the other telling me she thinks it may be for the best. I have only told 2 friends. I don't want anyone else knowing.

So, if I don't blog for a while. It's cos I have been put in a straight jacket and rushed off to be drugged up and kept quiet!


I have been summoned by Dr T and Beth the CPN/CCO. I have to be there for 3pm. I am freaking out. I think they are going to spring a MHA assessment on me. I think they want me to go to the hospital.

I still have the same thoughts. I don't have a plan. I have thoughts, I have ideas but no plan.

I don't want to go. I don't like Dr T. He will probably turn round and tell me I am not suicidal, that I am not having suicidal thoughts and that they don't exist. He does tend to invalidate what I am feeling and tell me I am feeling something I am not or tell me I am not feeling something I feel I am feeling.

I am worried this is a rouse for a MHA assessment. I know I have already seen an AMHP. She was the social worker who saw me in the hospital. Can they do assessments separately over a number of days like that? He will be a S12 approved, he is the consultant Psych. So I would only need one more doc. Can they do them without you being aware that they are doing them?

Tuesday, 9 August 2011

Where to Begin?

Well, obviously as I am writing this it didn't work. I came very close though. Very close. I can't remember much if I am honest. I can't remember leaving the house at all. I woke up nearly 24 hours later in the intensive care unit. I half opened my eyes and I didn't recognise where I was and I had a weird sensation of not being able to move. Someone talking to me saying "you are ok, you're just coming round from being sedated". I reached out for her hand and wouldn't let go. I couldn't cough, speak or move my head. I was on a ventilator that was breathing for me. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. I don't know how long I was like that for. I was aware that I had lines coming out of me from all angles. I was told to try and not move as I had so many. I was on a catheter also. Naked, except for a gown. Hooked up to all these machines.

Once I became a little more conscious, she removed the ventilator. It was horrible. I was still not quite with it and not fully conscious. She put me on oxygen for a while.Then when I was a little more with it she told me what was happening to me. I had lines in my arms, my wrists, my hands, my feet and my neck. Painful. I was on a heart monitor. I had a catheter in. And I couldn't move. It had felt like I had been in an accident. My neck was stiff and I couldn't move. She then told me the police were involved in trying to find a next of kin. She said I didn't have any ID on me. Panic set in. They knew who I was at that point, I don't know how. Then she came back and told me that the police had been in contact with my older brother and he had informed him and my parents. My brother kept calling the ICU wanting to know what I had taken and how much. The nurse was with me most the time. One nurse to one patient in ICU. I was still hooked up to the machines but she had removed a couple of lines. Just leaving the most painful ones in my neck and arterial line in my wrist. I spoke to my brother. Tears down the phone. He told me the police called him first but because he wasn't next of kin they wouldn't give him information. They had just said there had been an incident. He thought I was dead.

The nurse said if I hadn't have been found I would have died. I was really ill and it was serious. They sedated me with propofal which they use for general anaesthetics. They said I wasn't breathing and couldn't maintain my own airway. My bloods were all over the place and very acidotic so they said I needed to be asleep so they could give treatment.

I don't remember much at all until I woke up in ICU. There are little flashes which I remember. I remember a weird sensation in my mouth and taste. I think the nurse was brushing my teeth. It was horrible and it felt like I was going to drown. I couldn't move. I think I remember the tube going down my throat, but again I couldn't move. It was like I was paralysed. I think I was sick also. I was on my back and I thought I was going to drown in my own sick. There were lots of people around and they were suctioning it out my mouth. But this is all I remember. I don't remember leaving the house. I don't remember being in the ED. Nothing.

So I was in ICU for 2 nights. On the second night I had all my lines and catheter removed. A catheter is horrible. You can't pee normally and it feels like all you want to do is pee. When it came to removing the lines there were also stitches as they were sewn in to me so they didn't move. It was horrible having them taken out. So painful.

I was moved to the ward on Sunday morning. An older woman from Crisis team came. I said I didn't want their input and I didn't want to work with them. I said I regretted it didn't work, especially as I came so close. But, I didn't have any more plans to try again. Which was true. I said I really didn't want to work with them. She threatened me with a MHA. I said to her I felt as though I was being cornered and they weren't giving me choices. She didn't stay long. She just said that I had to stay in hospital one more night at least on medical wards and give it some thought and they would come back the next day.

On Monday I was told I was medically fit. Crisis team came back. Well, a Social Worker from crisis team and a nurse from the CAT team. I was with them only 5 minutes when there was a knock at the door and the student nurse said that my mum was there. So, queue hysterical crying. She had flown back from holiday early. I told the social worker and nurse that I did not want to work with them and I wanted to go it alone. They said it wasn't an option and if I refused to work with them then they would have to do a MHA. I kept saying over and over that I didn't want to work with them. I said I didn't want family members knowing what had happened and I didn't want them involved. They said because I lived with my parents they had to know what was going on. I tried arguing with them saying how I felt it was unfair as if I lived on my own they wouldn't be talking to my Mum. I said that they were breaking my confidentiality and it was wrong as they were only doing it because I lived with someone else. I asked how could I be honest with them if they were just going to tell my parents what I had said. I said I was an adult and I didn't want anyone knowing. I didn't want them knowing it wasn't the first time and I wanted to down play the seriousness of it. They said they couldn't do that as I had nearly died and it was serious.

So they sent me out the room to go and see my Mum. More crying. I said I was sorry. I know suicide is selfish. But, I can't go on like this with these feelings. I felt bad that she had flown back from holiday at the cost of nearly £500. But, if anyone plays the "what about me" card I am just going to have to say "what about me". I know they will be upset but it is a very selfish thing and I can't really see past that at the moment. After a while the 2 people came back and wanted me to go back in with my Mum. They said what the options were and I said all I wanted to do was go home and be left alone. I said I really didn't want their input as it was a waste of time. I said I wouldn't talk to them as I barely knew them, and even then, if I knew them I probably wouldn't talk to them. I explained how even with Sam I withhold quite a lot from her. And that I just didn't want new people involved with me. My mum was freaking out as she thought they were going to make me go in to hospital. I said I wouldn't go in informally either. I was arguing with them, and crying loads. I said I wouldn't go in to hospital as I knew what they were like from working on the wards and that I knew staff in all the local hospitals. So that was not an option. They were saying how basically what they do is the same as what hospital would do but without making me be in there. I refused point blank. I do not want to work with them at all.

In the end, I said I would see Dr T, or my GP or someone from the counselling service. They weren't happy at first. I left the room and my Mum stayed behind. I don't know what was said. I went off for a cigarette and when I came back they agreed that I could go home on the basis that they could see me today and sort something out with the GP.

I agreed. But this morning I didn't answer my phone to them. They spoke to my Mum though and said that the GP has agreed he will see me once a week. I don't really see the point of it really. I probably won't even go to see him. I haven't spoke to them today and they have not tried calling me back so I am assuming that they are not going to be coming today. I think I have managed to throw them off. Hopefully, anyway.

So how do I feel about people knowing. I am mortified. I am so upset that it didn't just work and now I have to live through this of being watched. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be left on my own. I still feel the same in that I don't want to be around. I just want to give up. I have had enough of the fighting. The constant battle. I don't want to think that I am hurting people, but, selfishly, what about me? My brother sent me something he had written that made me cry and makes me cry every time I read it...

There's a child at Beachy Head, gonna stop you from going over. That child is me. There's a seven year old, got you by the hand, got you by the hair, got you by anything he can hold on to. Remembers you as a happy kid. Pre theft, pre pubescent. Daddy's girl with a big brown faced smile in a purple polyester nighty in the kitchen. A phone call of blazing dread brought back feelings of my childhood and adulthood inadequacy, multiplied ad infintum for you. But their words and deeds should have no bearing on the equilibrium of your soul. You are so lovely. I love you so much (my kids do too). Please just try and remember that next time you're down.

All this, all that's gone on and I still only think of it. My Mum and my brother have shown so much worry. Yet somehow I can't comprehend it. I can't comprehend much at the moment. I think I will be left alone now. Hopefully anyway. I don't want anything at the moment. I don't want people interfering in my life. I can't handle it. I want everyone to just go away.

That's basically what happened. There is probably bits I left out. I know there is one big thing I have but I will write about that in another post.


Friday, 5 August 2011

I'm Going To Try Again

Don't tell me to go to hospital, don't tell me to call Crisis Team. You know my feelings about them.

I don't want to go on like this anymore. The cycles I can't control are in control of me.

I just hope it works. I will leave the house in the dead of night to ensure that my family don't find me. OK, it's probably pretty selfish as some poor dog walker will. What have they done to deserve that? But, they wont be able to do anything about it. It's not as though they can think "what could I have done". Well in all honesty no one can do anything. I am broken. You can't fix me now. It has gone too far.

I am not all together sure it will work. But if you never try you will never succeed. Try try again and then you will succeed. Never give up. That is what I was taught through my childhood. Never give up! Friday night is probably not the best night to try with people coming back from out on the town. But, if I can get to where I need to be then it should work.

If you never try you'll never succeed!


They called the Police on me.

I was upstairs minging around and I heard the side gate go. I was thinking "Shit". I went out on to my balcony and heard banging really loudly on the door. I came downstairs and there was a Police man peering in through kitchen window. I opened the door and they asked if I was GP. I said yes and they asked if they could come in.

They were both really friendly. It was 2 blokes. So they asked if I was ok and if I had suicidal feelings. So I said yeh. They said that Matt had called them as he was concerned. I explained to the 2 Police officers that I was dealing with it my self and that I didn't want to see Crisis Team. I said I would rather be on my own and I didn't want their involvement. Cute police officer said that I didn't need to let them in but just let them know I was alive. I said I didn't want any involvement with them. Older Police man said he had met me before but he couldn't place where. I didn't recognise him but I thought it was probably from the time of the S136 and it all clicked in to place for him. He said I looked a lot better than then. I was battered though and it was raining so I probably had make-up smeared across my face and was in a mess. Today when they came round I was in my PJ's.

Cute police officer called the Crisis team and explained I was ok but didn't want input. He then made me speak to them. I explained to the guy on the phone that I didn't want them coming round and I didn't want to work with them as I thought I would be better on my own and could deal with it on my own.

He said the Crisis Team's aim was to keep people out of hospital. He said he was kind of put on the spot as he didn't know me and my case but he said a long the lines of if I didn't cooperate then hospital may be an option. A likely option. So he asked again if they could come around tomorrow and I said I felt like I had been cornered and I didn't have any choice in the matter. So I agreed on the phone even though I have no intention of being around then. I've been thinking quite a bit and thinking about my plans etc. I won't go in to it as I can't. It's my thing that I don't share.

The police were really nice though and they kept reassuring me saying things like "You're not in trouble", "We just want to make sure that you are ok and you are ok being left on your own". And then before they went they asked if I felt I needed them. I said no. They asked a couple more times and asked if I was sure. They said if I needed them I knew what to do.

They were so nice. I couldn't believe the difference in them to last time. I suppose it's because I was more compliant and wasn't trying to do a runner from them.

Crisis Team guy asked if I still had plans and I just said I didn't want to talk about it. He asked how I was feeling and I said the same. I can't hide it at the moment. I have no fight left in me. Before I would be able to put a fake smile on say everything was ok, but now I can't.

So nothing has changed really.

Thursday, 4 August 2011

I Don't Want Them.

I am going to tell Crisis Team I don't want them. I don't want them coming round to my house, I don't want them phoning, I don't want their interference.

It's not a crime. And I feel I can do better without them. I don't see what they can do. I have made up my mind and there will be no changing it. I can be quite stubborn like that. I know what is best for me. Not some person I have only met once, or maybe have not met at all.

I am sick of them saying "You're and intelligent person, you should know how things work". What is that supposed to mean? I wonder if they tell that to everyone. Probably. I don't see how intelligence has anything to do with how I feel.

So when they come round tomorrow I am going to tell them. No more thanks!

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

I Wish I Hadn't Said Anything

Went to see Sam earlier. She asked me what was going through my head. I told her. She asked if I had a plan and I said I did. But I wouldn't tell her anymore. I couldn't. I said I hadn't even written about it on here. And I haven't. It's my thing that I keep to myself. She asked what I was scared of and I said being stopped. Sam had actually said for us to get anywhere I would need to tell her about it and I said I couldn't. I said to her I was more scared of going in to hospital than I was of dying. So she said she couldn't just leave it at that and she would need to speak to The Directors and also Crisis Team. Shit!

She asked what I was worried and that in me telling her shows I have come a long way. I don't feel like it. I said I was worried about her breaking confidentiality. She rationalised with me saying that before when she had to break it, it was all ran past me first and she wouldn't do anything behind my back. In her breaking it last time in the long run it was for my advantage as uni were aware and I got extenuating circumstances on work etc. She explained that although I may not feel like it's in my best interests that it would be (personally I still can't see it).

So we talked about it for quite a while and I was trying not to cry. She said we needed to formulate a plan. She had written up previously a pros and cons sheet of the CAT team and of counselling...

Here is what I came up with...

CAT Team Pros.

- Medication
- Referrals to other services if needed. EG - Clinical Psychology and CPN.


- He ( as in Dr T) will tell me I am feeling something I am not
- Impersonal and Clinical
- Can't really talk about feelings and thoughts
- Can be challenging
- Get frustrated and pissed off with it
- Don't feel as though I am being listened to
- Come away feeling worse than before
- Get the feeling my thoughts and feelings are being ignored
- He invalidates my feelings
- He will ignore bits of what I am telling him ( last time I told him I had suicidal thoughts)
- Information I tell people gets misinterpreted or they are informed wrong.

Counselling Pros

- Have my feelings validated
- Being able to discuss feelings without feeling abnormal
- I have a good relationship with Sam
- I can be more open and honest with Sam than I can with anyone.
- Sam can read how I am feeling.
- It feels as though someone understands how I feel.
- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings


- Encourages me to think and be more aware of my feelings

So while I was coming up with these Sam was on the phone. She called Beth (the/my CPN who is now my CCO). Beth said she wanted to speak to me so she then arranged to call me on my phone. She called me on my mobile while I was with Sam. She said Sam was really worried about me. She asked me lots of questions. She asked why I had told Sam. I said I didn't really tell her but she asked if I was still feeling the same and if I had a plan. And I just said yes. I said to Beth that I wish I hadn't said anything. She asked me if I would be willing to meet with her and the Crisis team today and I said I didn't really have a choice in it so I would.

Anyway, Beth called Crisis Team and said someone from Crisis team and herself would be at my house for 4pm. It was 3.25pm and in town still with Sam. Sam said to me she was more than worried about me and she cared about me a great deal. She said we had a good relationship and she cared about what happened. So on the way out Sam gave me a hug and told me it would be ok and things will work out if I work with people. Sam is an amazing person and she ended up cancelling appointments so that she could spend more time with me this afternoon.

 So a rush in to Tesco to get some cigs and then rushed home. Managed to get home and get the dirty pots moved and some air freshener sprayed around. I just thought of some of the houses I visited on my first placement and thought anything is an improvement on those, so they had probably seen a hell of a lot worse.

So Beth turns up with a guy from Crisis team called Matt. He was quite cute actually. Embarrassing.

Beth did most the talking at first. She asked what was going off and how long I had felt like this so I explained to her I had been feeling depressed since the failed attempt, but, I had been having suicidal thoughts for a long time. She asked why I had agreed to meet them if I was so intent on my plans. I said that if I didn't feel as though I had much choice as I would imagine that if I didn't agree they would send the police and they would make me go to hospital on a 136 if I was out when they found me or get a 135 so they could do a MHA. She asked me what I thought the outcome of the MHA would be and I said if I had said what I had said to them and said to them that I could make no guarantees about keeping safe then I would be sectioned.

She asked me if I would consider going in to hospital on an informal basis and I said no. She asked why and I said I had worked in the local big hospital and knew staff and was no way I could go there. She then said they could get an out of area bed and I still said no. I knew what the wards were like, noisy, busy, not nice places. No space for myself, shared rooms, lots of people asking questions. My idea of hell. I need my own space. I can't imagine anything worse than being there in hospital.

They said that they were probably looking at a MHA as I couldn't guarantee that I would be ok until Friday. I said it wasn't in my plans to but I was struggling to hold it together at the moment. I still wouldn't tell them when my plans were. They kept going on and on at me saying that if I was unwilling to work with them then they would be getting people for MHA. I said calling Crisis Team hadn't worked so that was why I didn't want to work with them. I said I wouldn't be calling them again.

I don't know why I just can't lie. Why can't I tell them that "yup, I will call them, I don't have plans anymore etc etc etc". I think it's because lies take effort and energy. Effort and energy I don't have. I don't have the energy in me to hide it. I don't want people involved.

I kept saying over and over how I shouldn't have said anything. I wished I could just be left to get on with things. Beth said that I had said it now and they had a duty of care etc etc etc. That it couldn't be ignored.

Matt asked me a few questions like how long I had been feeling like this, and was backing up what Beth was saying.

They kept asking if I would go informally and I said no.

Anyway, they then said that they needed to have a chat and call a few people so they left the house for a few minutes. I was certain, because I wasn't going to commit to working with them as I have lost my inability to lie that they would come back in saying I needed to have a MHA. But...

They came back in saying that they didn't feel putting me through a MHA would be beneficial to me (as it would probably end up putting me under section) and that I needed to work with them. They said it was my choice whether or not I complied with them. I said I didn't want to and what would happen if I didn't. They didn't say much just that they would cross that bridge if it came to it.

They asked what I would do for the rest of the day and said I should try and do some uni work. I said I didn't really care about that anymore as the only plans I had were to die. I really keep digging myself a hole don't I? I have lost all my fight. I have become the nightmare patient.

Matt asked about my sleeping and I said it wasn't great. He asked last time I had sleeping pills. I said the last time I was prescribed them was about two years ago, but the last time I had them was in Asia last year where you can get them over the counter. I said I didn't have any left. He said he would contact the on call doctor and get some for me. He said it may not be tonight but he would get some arranged.

So they went. Thankfully. I didn't know what else to say. The whole time they were here I couldn't look them in the eye when talking to them. I was reserved, quiet and not like me. I was nervous, I was terrified.

So he has arranged to come out on Friday morning at 10am. He said I need to keep myself safe until then. And call them.

He phoned me again about an hour after they left and said that he was not able to get the zopiclone for tonight but he would get them tomorrow and he would phone me tomorrow and arrange to drop them round.

So how do I feel about it all? I really wish I had not said anything, I feel paranoid that they are going to arrange a MHA and not tell me. Cos to be quite honest if they did I am out of here. I know I would not pass one. I would do a runner and go live in my car somewhere until it's time to go ahead with the plan. So I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't say anything and arranged it. I am expecting a knock at my door any time. But I still have my plans. I am planning on carrying them out just as I planned to. Then none of this will matter!

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Waste Of Time

So I called back again like I was told to. Firstly I was transferred to the switch board of the main hospital and had to be asked to be transferred. Spoke to someone called Helen. She was on the night team. The team I spoke to before, had finished.

Basically, I was told it was my decision. It was my choice what I did. And... to take a bath, go for a walk, make a phone call and not use the Internet to research if I took ... what would it do. I know if I took enough of the prescription meds that I have in the house it would work. I know that as I have been stock piling them knowing that they will cause me to go in to a hypo if I take enough. Anyway.

I was told I needed to distract myself. Queue crying as I have been trying that and it's not practical advice. So, I am in more of a mess than I was before.

I told her why I called tonight was because I had plans for another night and tonight wasn't right for me. She didn't really say much. Just that she would fax the CPN, Beth, and let her know I had called.

But, I can say I tried Crisis team. It didn't work and I won't be using them again. I can't see the point. I'm going to try taking triple dose of Quetiapine and hope it knocks me out for the night. If I take the triple dose it's only just over the maximum daily dose. So no big deal. But hopefully it will knock me out.

Even letting isn't helping tonight. It can sometimes make me feel calmer and relaxed but it was just frustrating me as couldn't get a decent vein and when I did it clotted really quickly. Going to get some aspirin tomorrow.

But, I can say I called and that I didn't find it useful. I kinda knew what they would say before I called as they were all the type of things that I would say to patients who came to me and told me they were suicidal. So, I shouldn't have expected much really.

I think the only thing that will work for me tonight is actually something to knock me out. I need a diazepam or a zopiclone but I don't have any. And it's not as though they can just bring one round for me either is it. And there is no way I am going down to the hospital, even if it is only a 10 minute walk away. But it wasn't even suggested anyway.

So it's going to be me self medicating. I just hope that works. I am going to take them now and hopefully in an hour I will be snoring away!


I Called

I am going to try and keep this updated as I go through the night. It's a good distraction for me to write...

So I called and spent 30 minutes on the phone. I have to call back in an hour..

The woman was nice. She just said a long the lines of that I may be struggling but there is something in me that makes me not want to. I didn't tell her that was because I was planning and had made plans for another night.

Basically she wants me to call her back in an hour. I told her I tried all the things said. I said I would watch Holby City for the next hour.

I have gathered the needs to try again tonight but it goes against my plans.

I don't know why I am so set on the particular night. I know if I attempt tonight me not turning up to appointments with Sam tomorrow will raise concerns. She knows how I am feeling so she would probably end up calling police if I didn't turn up and didn't answer phone.

So I want to keep my plans for the same. Also. It's planned. I feel easy about it. I don't feel easy about tonight.

EDIT @ 20.20 -

The TV is not really helping distract me. I think the needles are called for.

Crisis Team

I am contemplating calling. I have just turned the house upside down looking for prescription meds. Not a good sign really. But before I called I wanted to know what people's experiences of Crisis team in the UK was and what they are likely to do if you call them when you are feeling suicidal. I don't want to call them if all they are going to suggest is take a walk or have a bath.

Please comment on this one.


Don't Know What to Do With Myself


I'm really struggling at the moment. I don't know what to do with myself. I am having a Pajama day today and I can't relax. I don't know what to do. I try and watch TV but it is not sinking in. I have tried to read, but I can't concentrate on it. I try and write but my words aren't coming out very well. I keep picking up my phone to call someone but I am not sure who to call. I have been given peoples numbers but I can't do anything about it.

The reason I am struggling? Because I have a plan for in a few days, not tonight. So how do I tell someone that? I can't really can I? The reason I won't do it today is because if I leave it until the day I have planned there is more time that will pass without anyone realising that I am not around. So I know it will work. I need the time. So I can't pick up the phone and say I want to kill myself, but the reason I am calling you and I haven't in the past is because I have a plan and doing it now would go against my plans.

I've just realised I have opened this with Hi. I don't know who I am writing it to. No one in particular. I don't even know why I have written this.

I am going to have a shower see if that makes me feel any different. If not then I suppose I can consider Crisis Team. See what they can do.



Monday, 1 August 2011

I Have A Lot To Say, I'm Just Not Sure How To Say It.

I've had a week off from blogging as I was away. I missed it. I felt the need to write. Especially as the week was far from relaxing and in the end I could not wait to get home. That's not to say I hated it all. I had a nice time with my brother and his family, but my Dad ruined it for me.

There have only been two people in my life that have been able to make me regress back to a moody teenager. That's Gom and my Dad. The arguments I have with my Dad that make me want to pick something up and throw it at him. I was the same with Gom. I did used to throw things at him though, but he did it to me also. There were a few times with Gom where he would retaliate and throw something back or hit me back also. Those times I probably deserved it. But there were times where he would throw something at me (numerous occasions) or when he would hit me first, or not as what could possibly be classed self defence. Those times only happened on about 4 occasions. The first time I did call the police. I was hysterical as of what he had done and it was me that they threatened with a Section 5. It was me that had to leave the house, as Gom owned it. Gom was calm and rational with them. I wasn't. And I wasn't going to bring charges against him. It was around the time I first started self harming so I had a feeling that if the police got wind of that in their investigations then I would be made to look the irrational, crazy one with a temper and emotional issues. And, although I was scared for my safety at the time, I was more scared of losing him. I suppose that's pretty typical though.  A month or so after this happened I had a missed call and a voice mail from the police saying they had looked in to it and they would not be taking any further action and they didn't feel that I was at risk.

Anyway, that is not really relevant to where I was going with this post.

But my Dad, he infuriates me so much. He is a chauvinistic pig who believes that everyone should run round after him. He talks to people like shit and if he upsets them then it's their problem and they should not be so sensitive. If someone upsets him, even with the truth, he will go in to a mood for days on end, being really off with all family members and has a every one is against me attitude. He drives me insane. The other day I was at my brothers camp site as I stayed with them for a few nights and he was there getting everyone running around after him. Not once did he get up and get his own drink. My brother got them all for him. He told me to go get him one and my brother stood up for me saying GP is not drinking so why should she go and run around after you. I said that right also, he told me to. Not ask. He has no respect for anyone. Then he layed in to me really loudly on the campsite saying I don't do anything for him, I am lazy and I will never get a boyfriend with the attitude I had. My brother kind of layed in to him for it saying he shouldn't speak to me like that and my Dad's attitude was I shouldn't be so sensitive and I should just deal with it.

My Dad is the same with my Mum. He wont do anything. If he wants something he will get my Mum to go get it for him. All you can hear is "get me this", "get me that", "just go there and get that". It drives me mad. I believe that relationships should be equal, not so one sided. I honestly don't know why my Mum hasn't left him as if he spoke to me like that all the time then I wouldn't stick around if I was his wife.

So it came to a head this morning and he layed in to me again. I just blew up at him saying he stood need to talk as he was the most chauvinistic person I had met and he needed to have a personality transplant as he was vile. He called me childish and told me to grow up. I slammed a door and walked off. If it wasn't for the fact I was relying on them for a lift to the airport I would have buggered off for the day. And the thing is when I am angry I cry. I can't contain it. I hate people seeing me cry as worry people will see it as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is in other people but I hate people to see me cry or to know I have been crying.

I called Sam when I got back to England. I still had a 6 hour travelling time a head of me. She had called me this morning as I had accidentally called her number Friday evening. It's the first number in my phone and the phone doesn't automatically lock. So she called me to check in that everything was ok. I called her back but it went to voice mail and I left a message explaining it was a mistake and I hadn't meant to call her at 10pm on a Friday evening. I also asked her in the voicemail if she could let me know what had been said in the last week with the different services involved.

She called me back quite quickly. The first thing she said was that I sounded really pissed off and down in my message. I explained to her that I was ill (because of my not sleeping at night for the past week and also being up at about 7am every morning, an drinking most nights (actually I left the drinking bit out), I have come down with a cold, it's quite normal for me to get colds and coughs when I have periods of not sleeping and being tired, I think my immune system must be lowered), I was pissed off as of the arguments that morning and I still had a lot of travelling to do. I said I just felt like I could break down crying. I tend to get more emotional when I am tired and ill. She said I could probably do with a good cry. I said that it probably wouldn't do me any favours to be sitting in a waiting room at International Airport and just break down in tears. I said I would probably get a few weird looks. She said go off and find a quiet corner and I said I don't do crying in public. I don't really do crying. Unless it's a film, TV or something like that, or if I am angry. I started to break down a bit on the phone and had to pull my self back.

So, the reason I actually started this post was to talk about the next bit. So sorry if you have gone through all this waffle to now. But I suppose I was just building a picture.

I told Sam that I had thought a bit about the attempt that I made two weeks ago. I said to her that I didn't feel any different and I was still feeling a lot of regret that it didn't work. Which is true. I didn't tell her I am making more plans and I have a day in mind. She asked me if I could go in to a counselling session on Wednesday. I thought she was away on holiday for the next few weeks. Obviously, over the phone is not a good place to be talking about those feelings. Especially given that I was in an airport. So I am going to see her on Wednesday.

I feel as though I have so much to say, but I don't really know what to say and how to say it.

I do wish that my attempt had worked. I have said that much. But. I will do it again. I know when I will do it again also. But that kind of information is enough to get me locked up, so that wont be going any further. I wont lie to her if she asks me. I will ask her what the ramifications of me telling her if I was planning. But then not answer.

She said that what I was feeling about my day was pretty normal, as anyone would be pissed off and worn out with it all. But she said I should think about giving Crisis Team a heads up. I have been referred to them again and I have said that I would think about calling them before things got to that stage again. I have got a lot of people behind me now. But, I don't want them. I have the CPN again who has written to me saying from the end of August I will see her rather than Dr T as there is nothing else that he would do. Sam said she is going to take on the role of CCO. The CPN in the letter said that she had spoken to Sam and was apparent I was struggling at the moment. She said Dr T had made the referral to Crisis team should I need them so that they have relevant information. She has asked Sam to discuss with me what she as CPN can do and what I want her to do. But, if I did not need her or felt I couldn't use her or wanted to wait then that would be fine.

I also have the clinical psychologist working with Sam for me.

I said to Sam, in theory it's great. But I struggle to call in anyone when I should probably be calling them in. I won't talk to anyone. I even struggle to talk to Sam. What makes it easier with her is she can read my body language and tone and she knows how I am feeling. That makes it a bit easier with her when she will say, you look this are you feeling that. And usually she will be spot on and it makes it easier to discuss things. But. I know I should probably be open and honest about this next attempt. But, it's something I want to do. I don't want to be stopped. So I know, I am not going to call in anyone on it. I have all those people offering support but I can't seem to take it.

I think the only time I would possibly call on Crisis team is if I was struggling to hold on until my planned attempt date. I suppose though that that is not really what they are there for. They are there to be phone now, now when I am planning this and I should probably be stopped but I wont.

I have quite a lot of things worrying me at the moment also. That can't help really can it? I am ignoring quite big things as I can't deal with them. But they need dealing with. I need someone to take over my life for me. To organise me, There are a few pressing things that are quite urgent that need to be dealt with but I ignore it as I can't do anything about it. I can't deal with official things at the moment. It is something I could bring up with Sam. She may be able to offer me practicle advice. Although, I think I know what I need to do. And, what does it matter when I am planning on not being around to deal with it anyway.

This has turned in to a really long post so I am going to leave it there. And I am falling asleep with the lap top on my knee.

Night All...


I am so glad to be home and have my own space again. It's so nice having the house to myself. The quiet is lovely.