Everyone has prejudices. Some let there's affect what they do others don't.
The best of Social Workers even have prejudices. It's a human thing.
If you read my blog you will see that I have a prejudice against chavs. But, I don't let it affect my work when I work with them. I don't oppress them, I don't discriminate. I do my job and I do it well.
Someone commented on one of my posts quite angrily that I shouldn't be doing what I am doing as I don't like chavs. Well they are wrong. Because of the above reasons. My blog is a diary for me. A place to write about how I feel about things and what I think.
It's not all chavs I don't like. It is the ones who not can't but wont aspire to anything. The type of person who will claim benefits, and never aspire to come off them. I am not having a go at people who claim benefits here, nor am I saying that everyone who claims benefits is a chav.
Our society is fantastic for the welfare state. OK, so some people will get more money claiming benefits than they ever will if they work. Unfortunately, it therefore, doesn't make sense for them to pay for before school and after school clubs to be working in a job that does not bring in anywhere near the same amount of money.
One of my last clients was in this position. She was taking home about £1400 per month in various benefits and on top of that cash her housing was paid for as was her council tax. She was a girl who left school at 16 with no qualifications and due to her circumstance would not be able to afford to go to work. To break even she would be needing to have a job that paid about £30k a year. Not very likely really. But. She had aspirations. She wanted to improve her education, she wanted to follow courses in which she would enjoy to help her gain more skills so that she was employable. This woman could possibly be classed as chav. I didn't have a problem with her though.
What I do have a problem with is 16-19 year olds claiming benefits straight from school as they have no aspiration. They don't want to do any thing with their life other than drink stella on the weekends, have lots of sex, produce lots of kids who will follow in their footsteps. Those kind of chavs. I know, there could be a whole heap of reasons why these people are like this and perhaps I am a bit quick to judge. But, there are people who are out there who just want to take the system for everything they can because they feel that they are entitled to it. Why are they entitled to it? They may never have worked a day in their life. Fair enough if the person has mental health problems, or if they are ill educated. As has been said where I am now if a person has had no education and crap parenting then perhaps you can understand why they don't have aspirations. But some people have no excuse. These are the people I do have a problem with.
The person who remains anonymous, which would tell me that I have probably had either conversations with them or I know who they are and they don't want to tell me, said I am no better than them and I shouldn't be doing what I am doing.
As a person I do not let what I think of people affect the way in which I work with them. I want to work in mental health but that is by the by. But, I have come across people in my life who are the type of people that are bad for society and if their future generations turn out like them then I feel for those. I am bound to have prejudices and my own thoughts on things. Every one does.
I was quite lucky to have been brought up in a middle class family (albeit bordering alcoholics but again that's neither her nor there. Lol :-) - and please don't comment on my lack of respect for alcoholics, unless you want another whole blog on my thoughts and feelings around alcoholism. But seriously my brothers and parents drink far too much, so much it worries me). Being from a middle class family I probably have different expectations of people. But I am aware of this.
What would be the worrying thing here would be if I was not aware of my prejudices, if I discriminated by not giving these people the same chances. But none of this goes on. When it comes to work, I leave everything at the door. I don't let my personal opinions, feelings or non professional judgements come in to it.
It's a bit higgeldy piggely but that is my explanation. Yes. I am prejudice, but I am aware that I am. Everyone has expectations of others. In my life it's not normal to walk your kids to school first thing in the morning with a can of lager (maybe he had just come off a night shift or something - but when 75% of the people on the estate I work on are unemployed...well what are the chances of that). It's not normal to be lazy. I don't like to see blokes walking around with no shirts on either. Save it for the back garden, the beach or pool.
And really. The personal digs saying I'd be too hungover to take my kids to school...how old are you? You sound like a child!
And this says it all...
Ambition (this is a joke, I am probably laughing at my own joke but never mind)!
Showing posts with label chavs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chavs. Show all posts
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
Monday, 27 June 2011
Hungover
I'm hanging. I was woken at about 5am cos I was feeling so bad. What makes it worse is I have to go in to placement today. I wish I could call in sick. I am really hating this placement. My inner snob is coming out in me and I am disgusted by some of the people being chavy. The other morning I was driving in and there was this guy walking his kids to school at about 8.30am and he was drinking a can of lager. I hate hate hate hate there. The area I am in is so scummy. I didn't think areas as scummy existed. I am trying my hardest with it but I really don't like it.
I am so stupid. Drinking so much yesterday that I am now hungover. I wasn't meant to be drinking yesterday. I knew I had to go in and be around kids but yet here I am hanging.
I don't know what time I went to bed last night either. I am awake as when I am hanging I can't sleep. I am trying my overload on vitamins method by already having been up and liquidized a load of fruit but it doesn't appear to be working. I am going to try again though.
Time for crap tv and fruit.
I so don't want to go today. I hate hate hate hate the place,
I am so stupid. Drinking so much yesterday that I am now hungover. I wasn't meant to be drinking yesterday. I knew I had to go in and be around kids but yet here I am hanging.
I don't know what time I went to bed last night either. I am awake as when I am hanging I can't sleep. I am trying my overload on vitamins method by already having been up and liquidized a load of fruit but it doesn't appear to be working. I am going to try again though.
Time for crap tv and fruit.
I so don't want to go today. I hate hate hate hate the place,
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Concentration
I am having massive problems with concentration over the past few days. It's really bugging me. I can't function. I am struggling at work as I can't concentrate on a task. I am also starting to proper freak about uni work as I have soooo much to do in the next 6 weeks and I can't bloody focus.
I am getting more and more stressed as I can't focus which is making my concentration even worse. I am stuck in a vicious circle. I can't even sit and watch a tv programme as my concentration span is less than 5 minutes. I have fallen behind on reading blogs as I just sit looking at the words as though they are a foreign language.
I've gotta see the nurse tomorrow to have my BP taken as last time I went to GP it was high and can't be high to be on the pill. Do I mention it to her. Is there any drugs out there legal (and maybe not so legal) that I can get to make me concentrate? I am in a vicious circle and things are getting worse.
I am so bloody irritable at the moment. Everything. I'll be ok one minute with something and then all of a sudden I am like whoahhhh, STOP. On the 15 minute drive home from work I got through 200 songs on my iPod only listening to parts of them.
I feel like I am in a vicious circle as I am getting annoyed that I can't concentrate and I will then think about the work I need to be doing. I will then get annoyed more so as there is so much to do and I keep thinking about it along with a million other things and then that makes me more not being able to concentrate. It's like I am in a vicious circle.
I am not watching the Royal Wedding. I don't get the whole hype. It's just two people getting married. Me personally if I ever get married I don't want a load of people I couldn't care less about going to my wedding. I mean come on...Posh and Becks going to the church? It's all about status and I am not particularly keen on the royal family. Other than be a tourist attraction I can't really see what they do. OK. Hit me with the comments on that one.
I have never seen as many chavs under one roof as I saw last night. It was an interesting experience and was not at all something I would have chosen to do but only went as my friend asked me as she didn't want to be gooseberry. It was shit. I don't like them or anything like them. I am a bit of a music snob though and will only listen to certain music. I won't give much a go unless it is the same genre as the stuff I like. Although, I must say. Lady Gaga is a guilty pleasure of mine.
Met my favourite author yesterday also. The person who was in front of me in the queue kept making comments on mine and my friends conversation about what we were saying to each other. I kind of made me paranoid. She was on her own and kept her back to me. My friend didn't really notice it but everything I said she kind of kept repeating it and saying "that's interesting". She then went on to comment how she wears a tiara when she does her housework. What that had to do with anything and when we weren't even talking to her. Kind of annoying really.
I let quite a lot tonight. I was hoping it would sort of knock me. Slow things down a bit. It hasn't. I am still where I was. Time is going like superfast. I don't like it. I wish I was 6 again and time seemed to stand still and summer holidays lasted forever. 6 weeks of school. Amazing. I'd love 6 weeks off now. I would love to go knock on my friends doors and see if they wanna come out and play, go swimming, play tennis in the street, play kurby. I spent hours and hours playing kurby. Was a brilliant game. You don't seem to see kids playing anymore. I wish I was still a kid and not getting older. I felt really old last night. I was jealous of the kids in front of me smuggling their bottle of vodka in (I say kids they were about 15). I would have done the same at their age. You could tell they had put loads of effort in to getting ready to go out. They had probably spent hours talking with each other about what they were going to wear that night.
What happened to all of that. When did I start just throwing on the first clean thing I can find in the morning.I saw clean. I often have to sponge food or something off something I am wearing. So I should probably say the first non smelly thing I can find. But then I have never been a typical girlie girl. i like to shop. But it has to be on my own. I don't like going with other people. They just start to annoy me. And I don't like being held up by others. I get to a point where I have had enough I am have to leave NOW!
I have got a busy day at work tomorrow. All the team except me is off next week. I can't say I am looking forward to that. I have no concentration at the moment and I find if I am in the office on my own I just sit there staring in to space and I can't get work done. We had handover today and I can't remember a word from it about the different service users.
Do you prefer to be called patient, client or service user? I never know which one to say,
I don't know what to do my dissertation on. It need to be social work based, I was wanting to do mental health and the stigma attached to it. I want it to be related to social workers (obviously) but I am really unsure what to do...
Please HELP ME.
Honestly. I am so stuck. If someone could give me a couple of ideas to start from and maybe an idea of a couple of questions I can possibly raise.
I am really stuck on this one. Grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Going bed now. Well I am trying to.
xxxx
I am getting more and more stressed as I can't focus which is making my concentration even worse. I am stuck in a vicious circle. I can't even sit and watch a tv programme as my concentration span is less than 5 minutes. I have fallen behind on reading blogs as I just sit looking at the words as though they are a foreign language.
I've gotta see the nurse tomorrow to have my BP taken as last time I went to GP it was high and can't be high to be on the pill. Do I mention it to her. Is there any drugs out there legal (and maybe not so legal) that I can get to make me concentrate? I am in a vicious circle and things are getting worse.
I am so bloody irritable at the moment. Everything. I'll be ok one minute with something and then all of a sudden I am like whoahhhh, STOP. On the 15 minute drive home from work I got through 200 songs on my iPod only listening to parts of them.
I feel like I am in a vicious circle as I am getting annoyed that I can't concentrate and I will then think about the work I need to be doing. I will then get annoyed more so as there is so much to do and I keep thinking about it along with a million other things and then that makes me more not being able to concentrate. It's like I am in a vicious circle.
I am not watching the Royal Wedding. I don't get the whole hype. It's just two people getting married. Me personally if I ever get married I don't want a load of people I couldn't care less about going to my wedding. I mean come on...Posh and Becks going to the church? It's all about status and I am not particularly keen on the royal family. Other than be a tourist attraction I can't really see what they do. OK. Hit me with the comments on that one.
I have never seen as many chavs under one roof as I saw last night. It was an interesting experience and was not at all something I would have chosen to do but only went as my friend asked me as she didn't want to be gooseberry. It was shit. I don't like them or anything like them. I am a bit of a music snob though and will only listen to certain music. I won't give much a go unless it is the same genre as the stuff I like. Although, I must say. Lady Gaga is a guilty pleasure of mine.
Met my favourite author yesterday also. The person who was in front of me in the queue kept making comments on mine and my friends conversation about what we were saying to each other. I kind of made me paranoid. She was on her own and kept her back to me. My friend didn't really notice it but everything I said she kind of kept repeating it and saying "that's interesting". She then went on to comment how she wears a tiara when she does her housework. What that had to do with anything and when we weren't even talking to her. Kind of annoying really.
I let quite a lot tonight. I was hoping it would sort of knock me. Slow things down a bit. It hasn't. I am still where I was. Time is going like superfast. I don't like it. I wish I was 6 again and time seemed to stand still and summer holidays lasted forever. 6 weeks of school. Amazing. I'd love 6 weeks off now. I would love to go knock on my friends doors and see if they wanna come out and play, go swimming, play tennis in the street, play kurby. I spent hours and hours playing kurby. Was a brilliant game. You don't seem to see kids playing anymore. I wish I was still a kid and not getting older. I felt really old last night. I was jealous of the kids in front of me smuggling their bottle of vodka in (I say kids they were about 15). I would have done the same at their age. You could tell they had put loads of effort in to getting ready to go out. They had probably spent hours talking with each other about what they were going to wear that night.
What happened to all of that. When did I start just throwing on the first clean thing I can find in the morning.I saw clean. I often have to sponge food or something off something I am wearing. So I should probably say the first non smelly thing I can find. But then I have never been a typical girlie girl. i like to shop. But it has to be on my own. I don't like going with other people. They just start to annoy me. And I don't like being held up by others. I get to a point where I have had enough I am have to leave NOW!
I have got a busy day at work tomorrow. All the team except me is off next week. I can't say I am looking forward to that. I have no concentration at the moment and I find if I am in the office on my own I just sit there staring in to space and I can't get work done. We had handover today and I can't remember a word from it about the different service users.
Do you prefer to be called patient, client or service user? I never know which one to say,
I don't know what to do my dissertation on. It need to be social work based, I was wanting to do mental health and the stigma attached to it. I want it to be related to social workers (obviously) but I am really unsure what to do...
Please HELP ME.
Honestly. I am so stuck. If someone could give me a couple of ideas to start from and maybe an idea of a couple of questions I can possibly raise.
I am really stuck on this one. Grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Going bed now. Well I am trying to.
xxxx
Monday, 7 February 2011
Hospital - Pt2
So it’s Sunday night now. I have been listening to Evita. I love it. But it’s usually a bad sign. I usually only listen to it before attempts. Usually when drinking and I sing along. I can’t sing along on the ward though. LOL. Nasty attitude nurse is back on tonight. I think it is her 3rd night on the row so I hope she isn’t in tomorrow. I didn’t think she was in and I was telling my mum about her having an attitude problem. 2 minutes later she walks over with my drug card and puts it right next to me. I think she heard what I said to my mum. I have specifically asked the staff that they are not to leave my drug card by the bed as I have nosey visitors and I don’t want them knowing I am taking anti-depressants and diazepam. She just sort of slammed it down and walked off. I am worried she did hear what I said. Who knows? I suppose I will find out when it comes to meds later.
I am still massively wanting to SH. I think it’s because when they put the cannula back in my first thought was “bloodletting”. I think sub consciously I knew I would be and so I know now I will. I am not sure if this one will bleed though as I tested it earlier and it didn’t seem to want to so I suppose I will find out when I go downstairs. I am not doing it to die. Not tonight anyway.
(I have since been discharged so back to talking in past tense about what happened)
The woman at the side of me was really making me agitated. I really struggled to keep calm. It was making my urges to harm more but luckily as my mum had brought in my lap top that day. I spent a while writing and also listening to music. I watched a film and tried to chill out. Come 12.30am I was still quite worked up and asked to go off ward. I asked the attitude nurse. I was as nice as pie to her and at first she was saying how no one is allowed off after 12am. I reminded her that I was an adult and that it was not a psychiatric ward. I said I was only going for a few minutes to have a cig and just get some fresh air. I said I was aware there were weird people hanging around (I will talk about that in a bit) but I could look after myself and I had my phone, I would be right next to the security office etc etc. In the end she gave in and let me off. I didn't get narky with her at all and was lovely to her.
I did try the cannula to see if it would bleed and it wouldn't. I was quite miffed tbh. I wanted to let.
I did manage to get some sleep surprisingly. I think the diazepam and mirtazapine worked for me last night. I went to sleep at about 1.30am and I got up at 7.30am. I was woken at 6 so that they could put the IV antibiotics through but I slept most the night. The woman in the bed next to me did annoy me a bit but I managed to drown her out with head phones.
So this morning I got up and got showered. I woke up thinking I was actually at home. I also woke up feeling like I had had a load to drink the night before and felt as though I had a hangover. Took me a while to come round. I showered and got ready and left the ward to go call the people about my placement. I then went back to bed for a bit as was feeling quite rough. Come 10am a nurse had come from the tissue viability team. I was surprised it was that quick. I really thought it would be a couple of days.She had a look at the wounds and said although they were quite infected there didn't seem to be a big problem. The bigger wound was smelling again but I think that was as if the dressing they put on to it. But she said she was happy to give me dressings, to finish the course of antibiotics and for me to go home. I then fell asleep again.
I was woken up by someone from PM. I had never seen her before and felt quite wary about her. She hadn't read my notes really and didn't really know what was going on with me. So I was chatting to her for about an hour. I got a little upset but managed to contain it. I don't do crying in front of other people...unless I am drunk then I don't care.
I explained to her that I had seen Nurseman Mike a few times before and I was slowly being able to tell him things. I said I was scared of being totally honest with them as I saw them as a service who was only really there to ascertain whether or not hospital admission was needed. I said baring that in mind, I felt very closed off about what I will disclose to them. I didn't tell her about the removing the cannula end. She asked if I had done anything to the wound to prevent it healing which I haven't in a way but I have by not taking the antibiotics. Even in hospital I was not taking them. I was pretending to but I wasn't. Why? I was already ill. I know I wont take the ones that I have been given either. I don't want to lose my leg, I don't want to be in hospital, I hate being physically ill so why wont I take them. Is it punishment?
Nursewoman Tracey from PM was talking about meditation and all of that shebang. No way am I doing that. It's just not me. I was telling her about my main thing at the moment is the low mood as it is so debilitating. I feel that they go hand in hand and if I can get my mood sorted then the SH will stop. She agreed with me but she also said that there is some innate reason why I have turned to SH. And she agreed with the Psychiatrist (Dr T) that I needed some kind of therapy. She also said she would contact Dr T and let him know she had seen me. She suggested maybe having a Care Coordinator (CCO). I said I thought that would help quite a lot as I am reluctant to call Crisis team to have someone who I don't know each time. I said I really struggle to talk about things with people I don't know and it would be useful for me to have one person I can call when things get bad. One person who knows me and who I don't have to explain everything over and over and over.
We talked about the suicidal feelings and I explained to her how it was on constant loop in my head. I picture different scenarios, picture different methods etc. I said if I was presented with a method that would look like an accident, that wouldn't cause anyone else un-necessary harm (so no jumping in front of cars as the person driving will be affected, same goes with trains...get my drift) and would be easy I would do it. She asked me on a scale of 1-10, 1 being very suicidal and 10 being not at all where would I put myself I said between 3 and 4. She asked me what I thought I could do to bring the number higher and I said I didn't know. I really don't. I feel the only thing going for me at the minute is the course.It's the only way in which I can see a future.
To be honest talking to her didn't really help. I was hoping I would be able to speak to Nurseman Mike. I am starting to be able to get more open with him by giving him a little more each time I see him. I know I need to get something in place as I know I can't use him or rely on him. It is an assessment team not an ongoing care team. They just point me in the right direction, or if they feel you need hospitalisation arrange that. I explained to Nursewoman Tracey that it was a control thing at the moment. That me not making attempts and getting over carried away are because of my family. I took the opportunity Friday night to try and kill myself as there would have been no way that could have been proven as suicide and would have looked like an accident. OK, I know my family would be devastated if anything happened to me. But, if they knew it was suicide then it would be a whole lot worse. I saw that opportunity and took it. I have not actually spoke to anyone about it yet. I wonder if I do (it would be Sam I talked to about it) if I would feel different about it. At the moment I just feel really indifferent. Like "yeah, so what, not really important, nothing of concern, blah, blah, blah". I really am not bothered that I did it. Have I resigned myself to the fact that I am going to be the person to take opportunities like that?
So I was discharged from the hospital and I got home about 3pm. I am so glad to be back. The place was horrible. I didn't like the staff on the ward I was moved to. The whole hospital is dirty and grimy. There was one toilet on the ward that smelt to bad it would actually make me gag each time I went in there. In another there was a sample in a bed plan that was there all day. It was horrible. It was grimy and dirty. I have never really noticed before but it made me feel sick.
Why the hell do they wake you up at such an early time. 6.30am you are being woken up asked if you want a drink. The first day I was moved after I attempted I understood why they would wake me up. You can't expect them to see that amount of blood and just leave me. But the following 2 days. Why????
The food. It's so disgusting. The hospital I am in is one of the biggest hospitals in Europe. There are two really big hospitals very close to each other in this city and there are also many smaller ones within close vicinity. And the food is prepared about 80miles away and delivered to the hospital and then shipped off to the wards. So how long has it been standing for. Gross. I can't believe hospitals of that size do not have their own on site food prep.
The people. I met some really strange and really annoying people. On the AMU ward I was in a bay with people who had a good 50years on me and didn't make sense. When I was moved it was still pretty much the same but at least 3 of them could actually hold a conversation. I would go to the main entrance for cigs and it never ceased to amaze me at some of the people that hang around hospitals. Why does it seem that is is only chavs or scum in general that get ill. There were a group of girls that were always going out for a cig together, they were probably in their early 20's. They were patients as they were always in their PJ's.They used to go out and there was these guys hanging around them also. One of them even brought down his massive Alsatian vicious dog. He could not control it and I was actually quite worried when they came near me with it. You should have heard the language they were coming out with. It was shocking. And I work on psychiatric wards!
Next -
There was this girl who was about 36. She had irreversible liver and pancreatic damage. She was skin and bones, she had sores all over her as she had been in bed so long. And it was due to alcohol abuse. She was an alcoholic at 36. She was basically killing herself. She was being treated on a medical ward for the issues she had, she wasn't very mobile and generally unwell, but due to the alcohol. She wasn't even that bothered by it. It sounds awful, but even if she wasn't an alcoholic she had the entitlement mentality so I don't think she would have a successful person. Her best line was "it's really unhealthy them making us come out in the cold to smoke". She was more worried about the cold than the smoke. Lol. I know I smoke but I don't mind going outside. It's the law. It shouldn't be encouraged as it is so unhealthy and if I continue to smoke I will be a drain on the NHS in the future of the health conditions caused by smoking. She said she had tried rehab 2x but obviously it hadn't been successful. She was saying how she had brought a bottle of vodka in to the hospital with her but it was confiscated by one of the nurses. I talked to her a bit but she was a little odd also. I think the alcohol had killed a few brain cells there.
There was also this girl who was suffering pre-eclampsia, she admitted she was still drinking, she was smoking and just did not seem to have the same social airs that most people have. It really disgusts me to see pregnant people smoking. I hate it. OK, I have not tried to give up before but I would like to think if I wanted to become pregnant I would give up before I tried just to increase my chances. She was going on about what bad mothers some people were and slagging off the social (I kept my mouth shut here about my chosen career path). Sorry, but smoking when pregnant is not acceptable, smoking when pregnant, suffering pre-eclampsia, and the baby has not grown in the past 4 weeks in my books is child abuse. I really hate to see pregnant people smoking. It really is one of my pet hates. She then goes on to say how she is worried about the baby, yet she is there chuffing away on cigs. Another woman joined us who was staying in with her 11month old baby as they were on the wards. She was saying how there was this baby on the ward who as far as she was aware no one had been to visit. She said she was there all the time with her little one as she would not leave her side for long as she lived about 40miles away so she was staying at the hospital. She said that the baby was called Porche. Now the snob in me came out here and I immediately thought this is a case of a no contact order or something as not being funny but most abuse, neglect etc tends to happen in chav class families. It does happen in more middle class but in general it's more the chav class. Everyone then had their 2 penny's worth saying how they would never do that and it's awful and what a bad mother the other person must be etc etc etc. I am just sat there thinking..."this coming from a woman with pre-eclampsia, who has been told strict bed rest as her back waters had already broken and she was only 7 months pregnant but baby had not grown in the last 4-5 weeks, whose legs were swollen, who admitted she was still drinking and she was there smoking. She also made a comment which made it seem that a court order had been placed previously on her as she said something along the lines of that when her child was in hospital the social worker had called up and had said that she was not to be left alone with that child.
I have just spoken to my social worker friend about this and she said how unborn children can also be subject to child protection conferences. So I hope that this woman was having a close eye kept on her.
It really amazes me just how many people are in hospital as of drink related problems. I met this one guy who I could tell he had not admitted to being an alcoholic but he obs was. He was carrying around a bottle of vodka with him and he was being treated for what they thought was alcohol related seizures. The way he was talking you could really tell that he didn't think he had a problem. But you could tell he did.
Maybe I have a problem. But in comparison to some of the people I met, it's hardly a problem at all.
So today was meant to be the first day of my placement. I think being in hospital over the weekend as been quite enlightening. I am going to be working with homelessness teams with people with drug and alcohol problems. Bit miffed I was kept in hospital as was supposed to be my first day today and so I will have to make up a day at the end. I am starting it tomorrow now. I am sure I will have plenty of interesting stories once I get going with it. I am really looking forward to starting and getting my teeth in to it. The team I am going to work for sound brilliant and really relaxed and chilled out.
So that has been my weekend from Thursday to Monday. I have a couple of other ideas for blogs that I may work on soon and also I have counselling appointments which it helps me to write up and going to see Dr T next week at some point.
I know at the end of last year I wrote about being more positive and if anything I have gone the opposite way. Sorry. I know I am a bit crap. I feel as though I have let myself down. But I feel things are getting worse for me. Maybe it's having had 2 weeks off and I have been mulling over what happened at the beginning of those 2 weeks too much. Hopefully I'll pick up once I get in to this placement.
That's all for now though.
x
I am still massively wanting to SH. I think it’s because when they put the cannula back in my first thought was “bloodletting”. I think sub consciously I knew I would be and so I know now I will. I am not sure if this one will bleed though as I tested it earlier and it didn’t seem to want to so I suppose I will find out when I go downstairs. I am not doing it to die. Not tonight anyway.
(I have since been discharged so back to talking in past tense about what happened)
The woman at the side of me was really making me agitated. I really struggled to keep calm. It was making my urges to harm more but luckily as my mum had brought in my lap top that day. I spent a while writing and also listening to music. I watched a film and tried to chill out. Come 12.30am I was still quite worked up and asked to go off ward. I asked the attitude nurse. I was as nice as pie to her and at first she was saying how no one is allowed off after 12am. I reminded her that I was an adult and that it was not a psychiatric ward. I said I was only going for a few minutes to have a cig and just get some fresh air. I said I was aware there were weird people hanging around (I will talk about that in a bit) but I could look after myself and I had my phone, I would be right next to the security office etc etc. In the end she gave in and let me off. I didn't get narky with her at all and was lovely to her.
I did try the cannula to see if it would bleed and it wouldn't. I was quite miffed tbh. I wanted to let.
I did manage to get some sleep surprisingly. I think the diazepam and mirtazapine worked for me last night. I went to sleep at about 1.30am and I got up at 7.30am. I was woken at 6 so that they could put the IV antibiotics through but I slept most the night. The woman in the bed next to me did annoy me a bit but I managed to drown her out with head phones.
So this morning I got up and got showered. I woke up thinking I was actually at home. I also woke up feeling like I had had a load to drink the night before and felt as though I had a hangover. Took me a while to come round. I showered and got ready and left the ward to go call the people about my placement. I then went back to bed for a bit as was feeling quite rough. Come 10am a nurse had come from the tissue viability team. I was surprised it was that quick. I really thought it would be a couple of days.She had a look at the wounds and said although they were quite infected there didn't seem to be a big problem. The bigger wound was smelling again but I think that was as if the dressing they put on to it. But she said she was happy to give me dressings, to finish the course of antibiotics and for me to go home. I then fell asleep again.
I was woken up by someone from PM. I had never seen her before and felt quite wary about her. She hadn't read my notes really and didn't really know what was going on with me. So I was chatting to her for about an hour. I got a little upset but managed to contain it. I don't do crying in front of other people...unless I am drunk then I don't care.
I explained to her that I had seen Nurseman Mike a few times before and I was slowly being able to tell him things. I said I was scared of being totally honest with them as I saw them as a service who was only really there to ascertain whether or not hospital admission was needed. I said baring that in mind, I felt very closed off about what I will disclose to them. I didn't tell her about the removing the cannula end. She asked if I had done anything to the wound to prevent it healing which I haven't in a way but I have by not taking the antibiotics. Even in hospital I was not taking them. I was pretending to but I wasn't. Why? I was already ill. I know I wont take the ones that I have been given either. I don't want to lose my leg, I don't want to be in hospital, I hate being physically ill so why wont I take them. Is it punishment?
Nursewoman Tracey from PM was talking about meditation and all of that shebang. No way am I doing that. It's just not me. I was telling her about my main thing at the moment is the low mood as it is so debilitating. I feel that they go hand in hand and if I can get my mood sorted then the SH will stop. She agreed with me but she also said that there is some innate reason why I have turned to SH. And she agreed with the Psychiatrist (Dr T) that I needed some kind of therapy. She also said she would contact Dr T and let him know she had seen me. She suggested maybe having a Care Coordinator (CCO). I said I thought that would help quite a lot as I am reluctant to call Crisis team to have someone who I don't know each time. I said I really struggle to talk about things with people I don't know and it would be useful for me to have one person I can call when things get bad. One person who knows me and who I don't have to explain everything over and over and over.
We talked about the suicidal feelings and I explained to her how it was on constant loop in my head. I picture different scenarios, picture different methods etc. I said if I was presented with a method that would look like an accident, that wouldn't cause anyone else un-necessary harm (so no jumping in front of cars as the person driving will be affected, same goes with trains...get my drift) and would be easy I would do it. She asked me on a scale of 1-10, 1 being very suicidal and 10 being not at all where would I put myself I said between 3 and 4. She asked me what I thought I could do to bring the number higher and I said I didn't know. I really don't. I feel the only thing going for me at the minute is the course.It's the only way in which I can see a future.
To be honest talking to her didn't really help. I was hoping I would be able to speak to Nurseman Mike. I am starting to be able to get more open with him by giving him a little more each time I see him. I know I need to get something in place as I know I can't use him or rely on him. It is an assessment team not an ongoing care team. They just point me in the right direction, or if they feel you need hospitalisation arrange that. I explained to Nursewoman Tracey that it was a control thing at the moment. That me not making attempts and getting over carried away are because of my family. I took the opportunity Friday night to try and kill myself as there would have been no way that could have been proven as suicide and would have looked like an accident. OK, I know my family would be devastated if anything happened to me. But, if they knew it was suicide then it would be a whole lot worse. I saw that opportunity and took it. I have not actually spoke to anyone about it yet. I wonder if I do (it would be Sam I talked to about it) if I would feel different about it. At the moment I just feel really indifferent. Like "yeah, so what, not really important, nothing of concern, blah, blah, blah". I really am not bothered that I did it. Have I resigned myself to the fact that I am going to be the person to take opportunities like that?
So I was discharged from the hospital and I got home about 3pm. I am so glad to be back. The place was horrible. I didn't like the staff on the ward I was moved to. The whole hospital is dirty and grimy. There was one toilet on the ward that smelt to bad it would actually make me gag each time I went in there. In another there was a sample in a bed plan that was there all day. It was horrible. It was grimy and dirty. I have never really noticed before but it made me feel sick.
Why the hell do they wake you up at such an early time. 6.30am you are being woken up asked if you want a drink. The first day I was moved after I attempted I understood why they would wake me up. You can't expect them to see that amount of blood and just leave me. But the following 2 days. Why????
The food. It's so disgusting. The hospital I am in is one of the biggest hospitals in Europe. There are two really big hospitals very close to each other in this city and there are also many smaller ones within close vicinity. And the food is prepared about 80miles away and delivered to the hospital and then shipped off to the wards. So how long has it been standing for. Gross. I can't believe hospitals of that size do not have their own on site food prep.
The people. I met some really strange and really annoying people. On the AMU ward I was in a bay with people who had a good 50years on me and didn't make sense. When I was moved it was still pretty much the same but at least 3 of them could actually hold a conversation. I would go to the main entrance for cigs and it never ceased to amaze me at some of the people that hang around hospitals. Why does it seem that is is only chavs or scum in general that get ill. There were a group of girls that were always going out for a cig together, they were probably in their early 20's. They were patients as they were always in their PJ's.They used to go out and there was these guys hanging around them also. One of them even brought down his massive Alsatian vicious dog. He could not control it and I was actually quite worried when they came near me with it. You should have heard the language they were coming out with. It was shocking. And I work on psychiatric wards!
Next -
There was this girl who was about 36. She had irreversible liver and pancreatic damage. She was skin and bones, she had sores all over her as she had been in bed so long. And it was due to alcohol abuse. She was an alcoholic at 36. She was basically killing herself. She was being treated on a medical ward for the issues she had, she wasn't very mobile and generally unwell, but due to the alcohol. She wasn't even that bothered by it. It sounds awful, but even if she wasn't an alcoholic she had the entitlement mentality so I don't think she would have a successful person. Her best line was "it's really unhealthy them making us come out in the cold to smoke". She was more worried about the cold than the smoke. Lol. I know I smoke but I don't mind going outside. It's the law. It shouldn't be encouraged as it is so unhealthy and if I continue to smoke I will be a drain on the NHS in the future of the health conditions caused by smoking. She said she had tried rehab 2x but obviously it hadn't been successful. She was saying how she had brought a bottle of vodka in to the hospital with her but it was confiscated by one of the nurses. I talked to her a bit but she was a little odd also. I think the alcohol had killed a few brain cells there.
There was also this girl who was suffering pre-eclampsia, she admitted she was still drinking, she was smoking and just did not seem to have the same social airs that most people have. It really disgusts me to see pregnant people smoking. I hate it. OK, I have not tried to give up before but I would like to think if I wanted to become pregnant I would give up before I tried just to increase my chances. She was going on about what bad mothers some people were and slagging off the social (I kept my mouth shut here about my chosen career path). Sorry, but smoking when pregnant is not acceptable, smoking when pregnant, suffering pre-eclampsia, and the baby has not grown in the past 4 weeks in my books is child abuse. I really hate to see pregnant people smoking. It really is one of my pet hates. She then goes on to say how she is worried about the baby, yet she is there chuffing away on cigs. Another woman joined us who was staying in with her 11month old baby as they were on the wards. She was saying how there was this baby on the ward who as far as she was aware no one had been to visit. She said she was there all the time with her little one as she would not leave her side for long as she lived about 40miles away so she was staying at the hospital. She said that the baby was called Porche. Now the snob in me came out here and I immediately thought this is a case of a no contact order or something as not being funny but most abuse, neglect etc tends to happen in chav class families. It does happen in more middle class but in general it's more the chav class. Everyone then had their 2 penny's worth saying how they would never do that and it's awful and what a bad mother the other person must be etc etc etc. I am just sat there thinking..."this coming from a woman with pre-eclampsia, who has been told strict bed rest as her back waters had already broken and she was only 7 months pregnant but baby had not grown in the last 4-5 weeks, whose legs were swollen, who admitted she was still drinking and she was there smoking. She also made a comment which made it seem that a court order had been placed previously on her as she said something along the lines of that when her child was in hospital the social worker had called up and had said that she was not to be left alone with that child.
I have just spoken to my social worker friend about this and she said how unborn children can also be subject to child protection conferences. So I hope that this woman was having a close eye kept on her.
It really amazes me just how many people are in hospital as of drink related problems. I met this one guy who I could tell he had not admitted to being an alcoholic but he obs was. He was carrying around a bottle of vodka with him and he was being treated for what they thought was alcohol related seizures. The way he was talking you could really tell that he didn't think he had a problem. But you could tell he did.
Maybe I have a problem. But in comparison to some of the people I met, it's hardly a problem at all.
So today was meant to be the first day of my placement. I think being in hospital over the weekend as been quite enlightening. I am going to be working with homelessness teams with people with drug and alcohol problems. Bit miffed I was kept in hospital as was supposed to be my first day today and so I will have to make up a day at the end. I am starting it tomorrow now. I am sure I will have plenty of interesting stories once I get going with it. I am really looking forward to starting and getting my teeth in to it. The team I am going to work for sound brilliant and really relaxed and chilled out.
So that has been my weekend from Thursday to Monday. I have a couple of other ideas for blogs that I may work on soon and also I have counselling appointments which it helps me to write up and going to see Dr T next week at some point.
I know at the end of last year I wrote about being more positive and if anything I have gone the opposite way. Sorry. I know I am a bit crap. I feel as though I have let myself down. But I feel things are getting worse for me. Maybe it's having had 2 weeks off and I have been mulling over what happened at the beginning of those 2 weeks too much. Hopefully I'll pick up once I get in to this placement.
That's all for now though.
x
Monday, 20 December 2010
A Mixture of Events!
I have been up to quite a lot since I last wrote on here. I have kept putting off writing as I know there is quite a lot I have wanted to talk about.
First off, I have been diagnosed as having polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Bit of a pain but at least we know what is causing my gynecological problems now. It's a bit worrying in a way as may struggle on conceive naturally and I am bloody broody and will want to be having kids at the first practical opportunity. So I am sort of worried about that. It was quite an embarrassing appointment also. My gynecologist was a male. When you are having something done it's really quite an invasion of your privacy and when it's a male it's even worse. I know a couple of years ago I had a massage and it was a full body one. I thought at the time I would have rather have had a male gyne as that was rather undignified, however, this was not the case. It was a horrible appointment. I had a coil fitted and it hurt so much and I nearly passed out as of the pain which made me breathe funny. They kept me there a while after as they were worried I was going to hit the deck. It was a horrible experience and made even worse that it was for nothing as the coil expelled the next day! However, it has been good to find some answers and I have been told the PCOS could account for the depression, being overweight and a few other things. Hopefully the medication I am on for it will help. I know so far it has suppressed my appetite so I am quite happy about that.
I think things are getting better for me with my moods also. I have not wanted to self harm as much. I have a couple of times over the last couple of weeks but not seriously. Just a bit of blood letting. So I am thinking that the new meds are working. I was given meds for the PCOS and the meds are for diabetics. Before one of my methods that I thought I could end it all with would be sending me blood sugar low and having a hypo. So when I was given these pills I had an idea, it was like being given it handed on a plate. However, I have not acted on it. I have taken them in the way they should be and I have not really wanted to take them like that. So I am taking that as an improvement.
I have finished uni for xmas now. Had my exam so that is out the way now. I hope I have passed it. I made the mistake of looking at a couple of the answers after and seeing that I wrote the wrong law to the answer. So hopefully I have only gone wrong in a couple of places. It's good how much of it has sunk in though. I was discussing something with my friends yesterday about social care and I was able to quote them the law etc.
Last week I found out my Gran had been taken ill and taken in to hospital. At first there was loads of chinese whispers about what was wrong with her and that it didn't look hopeful. I am not the closest person to my Gran and I have not seen her in about 3 years. It's not that she lives miles away but there are a couple of reasons. The first being is that she has dementia so she doesn't know who I am and I don't want to upset her by being there. Also the other reason is that I don't actually like her that much. She was a terrible parent to my Dad and his family and they were treated like crap by her. I struggle to forgive her for this as you can see how it has affected my Dad.
Anyway though. I was worried about her. But for selfish reasons. I know it sounds really awful. A close grandparent of mine died just before xmas a few years ago. Since then the run up to xmas has always been a sad time really. However, once the anniversary of the death has gone things return to normality. As I have said before, if I haven't I am now, my Dad has undiagnosed psychiatric problems. I think so any way. He has never been seen for them and he probably isn't even aware that he has them. But when he is down or depressed it manifests its self as one mood. And, that in angry, take it out on everyone else, be in a mood type mood. It's horrible being around him. He gets like this about 2 weeks before the anniversary of his Dad's death and about 2 weeks after. So I was being really selfish about this, thinking I can not cope with every year him being like that. It was awful when my other grandparent died. We were really close and I still miss them like mad.
My gran is approaching 90. She has had dementia for the past 15 or so years and got worse when her husband died. She has been in a care home for about 10 years now. She doesn't really know what's going on anymore etc. I have said I don't mind smoking so much now as I would rather die at 70 having had a full life than live in to my late 80's but not know what is going on around me. I am planning on giving up smoking. When I decide I want to try for kids that is when I will stop. I don't want my kids to grow up and me smoking around them.
I have had another appointment with the organisation I was put in touch with also. It surprises me how anxious and emotionally that the appointments affect me. I have had counselling before but this sends me in to a near panic attack. I didn't realise talking about the self harm openly with someone and also talking about my feelings and emotions would have such an effect on me. The person I see she can see how I am feeling as I can't hide it. She is a MH nurse and picks up on my body language etc. She's really good and she wont push me unless I want her to. She wants to not discuss things as they are making me so worked up but I have said I can't keep sweeping it under the carpet and I would rather jump in at the deep end and get on with it. I just hope I don't drown.
I feel as though I am outgrowing my friends. I went away this weekend with them for one of their birthdays. I can't say I enjoyed it that much. They like chavy places which I can't stand. I don't want to go in to a bar and be squeezed in and not be able to move or hear anyone. I can not stand Whetherspoons places as brings out the worst people. They call the places I would like to go to pretentious as they think that people are trying to be something they are not. Well what if people like those places and are not pretending to be like that etc. I don't think I am better than everyone but I will look down my nose at people who are making a fool of themselves or are swearing, falling over the place drunk etc. it's just not nice behaviour to see. If that makes me pretentious then let it. I just can't see what's wrong with a bit of class. These girls are happy going to Magaluf every year on holiday. Want to go on weekends away to Blackpool and Skegness. They don't really have any class. They want to go in to Sports Bars while away as that's where the English men are. Not the men I want to meet though. I had an argument with one of them while we were on holiday saying what is the point in coming all this way on holiday and going to awful bars like you can go to in the home city??? She said all the men were in there. I said not the kind of men I want to meet! OK, maybe I am stuck up slightly but I have standards. I don't like chavs, and if I go out I want to enjoy myself, not be rammed in to a cattle market. I went out a couple of weeks ago with one of my old school friends. She is like me...but worse. When we went out we had a great time though as went to nice bars. I didn't feel the need to get so trollied to deal with it either. I am getting old...I like bars where you can sit and talk. I like going to clubs etc...but the club needs to play decent music and not be full of chavs.
I am not sleeping properly recently. I have been awake since 4.30am today. I was asleep by 10 last night as the past 2 nights I hadn't slept very well. I am going to be knackered by the end of the day. I hope I can get myself in to a proper routine again soon as I am going to be ill over xmas if it carries on. I am already ill as it is with a cold and cough but it wont go away if I can't get enough sleep. I tried to get back to sleep this morning but after an hour or so I gave up and decided I would get up. Wouldn't mind so much usually but I have to be at work in a couple of hours. Got a couple of training days...what joy!
First off, I have been diagnosed as having polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Bit of a pain but at least we know what is causing my gynecological problems now. It's a bit worrying in a way as may struggle on conceive naturally and I am bloody broody and will want to be having kids at the first practical opportunity. So I am sort of worried about that. It was quite an embarrassing appointment also. My gynecologist was a male. When you are having something done it's really quite an invasion of your privacy and when it's a male it's even worse. I know a couple of years ago I had a massage and it was a full body one. I thought at the time I would have rather have had a male gyne as that was rather undignified, however, this was not the case. It was a horrible appointment. I had a coil fitted and it hurt so much and I nearly passed out as of the pain which made me breathe funny. They kept me there a while after as they were worried I was going to hit the deck. It was a horrible experience and made even worse that it was for nothing as the coil expelled the next day! However, it has been good to find some answers and I have been told the PCOS could account for the depression, being overweight and a few other things. Hopefully the medication I am on for it will help. I know so far it has suppressed my appetite so I am quite happy about that.
I think things are getting better for me with my moods also. I have not wanted to self harm as much. I have a couple of times over the last couple of weeks but not seriously. Just a bit of blood letting. So I am thinking that the new meds are working. I was given meds for the PCOS and the meds are for diabetics. Before one of my methods that I thought I could end it all with would be sending me blood sugar low and having a hypo. So when I was given these pills I had an idea, it was like being given it handed on a plate. However, I have not acted on it. I have taken them in the way they should be and I have not really wanted to take them like that. So I am taking that as an improvement.
I have finished uni for xmas now. Had my exam so that is out the way now. I hope I have passed it. I made the mistake of looking at a couple of the answers after and seeing that I wrote the wrong law to the answer. So hopefully I have only gone wrong in a couple of places. It's good how much of it has sunk in though. I was discussing something with my friends yesterday about social care and I was able to quote them the law etc.
Last week I found out my Gran had been taken ill and taken in to hospital. At first there was loads of chinese whispers about what was wrong with her and that it didn't look hopeful. I am not the closest person to my Gran and I have not seen her in about 3 years. It's not that she lives miles away but there are a couple of reasons. The first being is that she has dementia so she doesn't know who I am and I don't want to upset her by being there. Also the other reason is that I don't actually like her that much. She was a terrible parent to my Dad and his family and they were treated like crap by her. I struggle to forgive her for this as you can see how it has affected my Dad.
Anyway though. I was worried about her. But for selfish reasons. I know it sounds really awful. A close grandparent of mine died just before xmas a few years ago. Since then the run up to xmas has always been a sad time really. However, once the anniversary of the death has gone things return to normality. As I have said before, if I haven't I am now, my Dad has undiagnosed psychiatric problems. I think so any way. He has never been seen for them and he probably isn't even aware that he has them. But when he is down or depressed it manifests its self as one mood. And, that in angry, take it out on everyone else, be in a mood type mood. It's horrible being around him. He gets like this about 2 weeks before the anniversary of his Dad's death and about 2 weeks after. So I was being really selfish about this, thinking I can not cope with every year him being like that. It was awful when my other grandparent died. We were really close and I still miss them like mad.
My gran is approaching 90. She has had dementia for the past 15 or so years and got worse when her husband died. She has been in a care home for about 10 years now. She doesn't really know what's going on anymore etc. I have said I don't mind smoking so much now as I would rather die at 70 having had a full life than live in to my late 80's but not know what is going on around me. I am planning on giving up smoking. When I decide I want to try for kids that is when I will stop. I don't want my kids to grow up and me smoking around them.
I have had another appointment with the organisation I was put in touch with also. It surprises me how anxious and emotionally that the appointments affect me. I have had counselling before but this sends me in to a near panic attack. I didn't realise talking about the self harm openly with someone and also talking about my feelings and emotions would have such an effect on me. The person I see she can see how I am feeling as I can't hide it. She is a MH nurse and picks up on my body language etc. She's really good and she wont push me unless I want her to. She wants to not discuss things as they are making me so worked up but I have said I can't keep sweeping it under the carpet and I would rather jump in at the deep end and get on with it. I just hope I don't drown.
I feel as though I am outgrowing my friends. I went away this weekend with them for one of their birthdays. I can't say I enjoyed it that much. They like chavy places which I can't stand. I don't want to go in to a bar and be squeezed in and not be able to move or hear anyone. I can not stand Whetherspoons places as brings out the worst people. They call the places I would like to go to pretentious as they think that people are trying to be something they are not. Well what if people like those places and are not pretending to be like that etc. I don't think I am better than everyone but I will look down my nose at people who are making a fool of themselves or are swearing, falling over the place drunk etc. it's just not nice behaviour to see. If that makes me pretentious then let it. I just can't see what's wrong with a bit of class. These girls are happy going to Magaluf every year on holiday. Want to go on weekends away to Blackpool and Skegness. They don't really have any class. They want to go in to Sports Bars while away as that's where the English men are. Not the men I want to meet though. I had an argument with one of them while we were on holiday saying what is the point in coming all this way on holiday and going to awful bars like you can go to in the home city??? She said all the men were in there. I said not the kind of men I want to meet! OK, maybe I am stuck up slightly but I have standards. I don't like chavs, and if I go out I want to enjoy myself, not be rammed in to a cattle market. I went out a couple of weeks ago with one of my old school friends. She is like me...but worse. When we went out we had a great time though as went to nice bars. I didn't feel the need to get so trollied to deal with it either. I am getting old...I like bars where you can sit and talk. I like going to clubs etc...but the club needs to play decent music and not be full of chavs.
I am not sleeping properly recently. I have been awake since 4.30am today. I was asleep by 10 last night as the past 2 nights I hadn't slept very well. I am going to be knackered by the end of the day. I hope I can get myself in to a proper routine again soon as I am going to be ill over xmas if it carries on. I am already ill as it is with a cold and cough but it wont go away if I can't get enough sleep. I tried to get back to sleep this morning but after an hour or so I gave up and decided I would get up. Wouldn't mind so much usually but I have to be at work in a couple of hours. Got a couple of training days...what joy!
Saturday, 23 October 2010
Maybe I Am Not Over Him? My Funny Attempts to Move On....
So, I have not actually told anyone this but I don't think I am over my ex yet. Don't get me wrong I know we (I say we like I had a choice) have done the right thing in breaking up and I don't want to get back with him...but why should be be happy and me not. I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship. Except the depression and self harming which he couldn't cope with. But, I feel myself really missing him at times. I see little things on a fleeting thought comes in thinking "oh I'll tell ? about that, he'll laugh at that". And also finding myself thinking about things we did together and little private jokes we shared. Then it hits me really hard. I don't know, maybe it's not him per se I am missing but the having a significant other to share things with. But then I say that and the last thing I want at the moment is to be starting a new relationship. I really can't be bothered with the effort. And also looks like I have been attacked by mad knife man on my legs and how do I explain that one?
There is a guy on the scene at the moment who I do quite like, but I am always the one who has to make the effort in arranging to do something or in texting him. Why should I be the one that goes to all the effort. Yet, at the same time show me a guy who is too keen and I am running for the hills. Why can't I find a happy medium.
In an attempt to get over the ex who I will now refer to as Gom (grumpy old man) I joined a couple of internet dating sites. So, the weekend after that I had been forcefully evicted from the house I shared with him (a long story and quite personal that it may give away who I am) I went on my first internet date (well not first as went on one a couple of years previous but first of this time)...
1) Mark -
A guy with red hair....I don't know what it is but I have a thing about ginger/auburn men. This guy in his pictures was a geeky chic kind of guy. Sort of quirky looking which I like and very different from Gom. So I was texting him quite a lot. I don't like speaking on the phone to people and always text people rather than calling them. I don't know what it is but I just don't like speaking to people who I don't know very well on the phone unless it is in a professional capacity. Even family who I don't see very often I will text to see how they are rather than call. But anyway... So I was in contact with him quite a lot, sending a good few messages every day. We decided we were going to go on a date with each other as we were getting on quite well through text. There were a couple of niggles I had about him, like when he asked me what I would look for in an ideal man I told him what I wanted in a man and what they could do for me. I asked him the same question and his response was "someone he could look after". It kind of put me off as even though there is the MH problems I have I like to stand on my own two feet and am quite a forceful person. I know what I want and I go after what I want. So he sounded a bit like a sap. I text my friends (there we go, texting again) to let them know where I was going and as I had a feeling to see who was around as back up in case I needed it. Well, as soon as I met him I knew straight away that something was not quite right with this guy. It was like he had special needs. I was actually quite concerned that people would see me and think I was out with one of my patients. I know it sounds awful as I should be less judgemental but this was awful. Within 5 minutes of meeting him I was in the toilet on the phone (yes, I actually called someone - desperate times called for desperate measures) to my friend formulating a plan that would ensure that I could do a runner from him. I concocted this whole story about what was going on and got my friend to call twice while I was with him pretending to be in a massive mess and she needed my help. Abracadabra - 25minutes after meeting him I was in a taxi with 2 bottles of wine to go to a friends house to drink and be merry and laugh about the disaster of a date.
2) Nate -
After having been travelling for a few months and returning home I felt that I was ready to have another go at this whole meeting someone game. So online I met another guy, Nate. However, I had to postpone our first date by 2 weeks as I was in hospital with an infection and on IV antibiotics (what you get from injuring yourself in Asia, taking your own stitches out with non-sterile equipment (I wasn't going to pay though) and not looking after to wound properly. It wasn't a SI but an accident I had). I made sure we spoke on the phone this time. Didn't want a repeat of last time. I thought this guy was quite interesting and he was stunningly gorgeous! Too good to be true. I thought he was interesting as I said and I thought he had a good sense of humour and was taking the piss a lot. Turns out he wasn't taking the piss and he was deadly serious...this guy was in need of a MH Assessment. He believed he had some electric telekinetic powers and was really in to vampires and said he hung out with them. He was indecisive and put me on the spot a few times during the date asking how he was doing and how the date was going...guys, you just DON'T do this! So, luckily as I had only come out of hospital 3 days previous to this I managed to feign illness. He said that I didn't look well! So I was doing a dam good job! He was in the camp of too keen also. But luckily he didn't call me or text me again. This guy was far too in touch with his emotions and clearly wasn't over his ex. He was actually nearly crying when talking about what happened. He asked me what happened with Gom so that gave me the right to ask too didn't it? Freaky guy this one was. He was gorgeous, but not right in the head!
3) Jeremy
So, I decided to move on to a different dating site, after my horrible experience with 2 freaks I moved on and actually paid for the privilege of having freaks contact me instead! To be fair to this guy he did nothing wrong and he was really quite nice. We had our first date in the city centre and went to a few bars and then on to a club where we danced and acted like teenagers. I did like him and had a nice time with him. Only thing was he looked far too much like Gom and even kissed like him. I decided I would give him another go and decided to go on a second date with him. That also went ok. I got on well with him, yet I didn't find him attractive. After the second date he was talking about us doing all these things in the future and to be honest it scared me. I know I moan about being the one to do leg work but here we have another over keen guy. The last straw was when I agreed to go on a 3rd date (as I can't be nasty and tell them to their face that things aren't working) and he text me straight after the second date saying "I can't believe we have to wait until Friday to see each other". This was on the Monday and it was the straw that broke the camels back. I ignored him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him things weren't working out and so I just ignored his texts and calls until he got the message.
OK, I realise that from these 3 dates I sound like some cold heartless bitch. The reality is though I hate being mean. I am unable to say to people I don't like you, you are weird, we wont work etc etc etc. Generally, if I have been on a date with someone I know wont work I make my self to be the total opposite of what they want. If they never want to have kids...well I want 10 and be making a start as soon as possible and I am looking to find my life partner by joining internet dating, the opposite of that if they want kids soon. If they like one thing, I hate it and visa versa. My strategy in this is that I hope that they will not like me and wont want to see me again. However, this did not work with guy number 4!
4) Pete
Another one from the dating site. This time I adjusted my search to someone who was educated, someone who was the right age, someone who had similar interests to me, and had red hair! So the date with him. We met in a pub in the city centre and had a couple to drink in there. I knew things weren't going to work out so I made him sit outside with me while I smoked. This was in September, it had just stopped raining and was not very warm. He was in a t-shirt also. So, this is one of my ways to ensure that I never see someone again, along with making myself the opposite. The date went without any event and I saw it out til the end. I thought I had made it pretty clear that he wasn't what I was after. But the next day I get a message from him saying he thought we got on really well and could he see me again. Maybe, my method of how to lose a guy in one date doesn't work all that well after all. He was a nice guy, there was nothing about him other than his fidgeting and twitch that was annoying it was just that we didn't gel! I thought I can't be horrible to this guy by just ignoring him as he hadn't broken any of the cardinal rules of mine. So I had to compose a message to basically say I am not interested. I got help with this, from 2 girlfriends and half the blokes in the pub I was in. I let him down gently with a message along the lines of you're a really nice guy and all that shebang. I even got a message back from him saying while it was a shame thanking me for my honesty. So, the first one I actually felt bad for.
Maybe I should stick to my ignore if you don't like method.
So back to the guy on the scene at the moment. OK, I quite like him. I met him in the traditional way of being wasted and meeting him not inside a club but outside trying to get in. We were both trying to get in but the bouncers said it was too late and that we were both too drunk. So what do I do. I take him home. This is before I started DSHing again. I had previous scars which he did notice but I said I had drunkenly fallen over on a glass coffee table hence why my left arm and right leg are a mess. He believed me. I think most people would. Not many people come in to contact with self harmers. Where as for me if I see someone with scars I automatically think Self Harmer. This is as I have and do and because of where and what work I do. But I am under the impression that most people wouldn't think this.
If I have a one night stand I never expect anything from it. I don't expect to see the person again. But there was something about this guy that I liked and we have seen each other again a few times. I have not told him about the SH and also I have made sure we take things very slowly. So while he has been round to my house a few times I have made sure we just kissed at the end of the night and not done anything else. I apologised to him for sleeping with him as is not something I do. I don't make a habbit of it. It has happened a couple of times where I have met someone while drunk but it's not a regular occurance. I have not got lots of notches on the bed post. I am not that kind of girl. Quite frankly I find it quite slutty and associate that behaviour with chavs...I don't like chavs at all but that is another whole story and probably a blog in itself.
I have not got a name for him yet as can't think of a made up one that fits him well. But I have now decided I am not going to contact him again unless he makes contact with me. I am not going to be the one that makes all the effort. I don't mind making some. The thing is when we are together he is talking about things that we can do together or saying things like "we'll have to do..." not in the crazy over keen way. But I just don't know where I stand with this guy. Also, I don't think I want to be in a relationship at the moment. I need to get my self sorted in my head and get the DSHing under control and stop it. I need to find new coping mechanisms. The next guy I am with I want to be able to say a few months down the line that the scars are not from drunkly falling over but that I used to self harm but I don't anymore.
So that's that. That's how I Try to Lose a Guy in 1 Date!
There is a guy on the scene at the moment who I do quite like, but I am always the one who has to make the effort in arranging to do something or in texting him. Why should I be the one that goes to all the effort. Yet, at the same time show me a guy who is too keen and I am running for the hills. Why can't I find a happy medium.
In an attempt to get over the ex who I will now refer to as Gom (grumpy old man) I joined a couple of internet dating sites. So, the weekend after that I had been forcefully evicted from the house I shared with him (a long story and quite personal that it may give away who I am) I went on my first internet date (well not first as went on one a couple of years previous but first of this time)...
1) Mark -
A guy with red hair....I don't know what it is but I have a thing about ginger/auburn men. This guy in his pictures was a geeky chic kind of guy. Sort of quirky looking which I like and very different from Gom. So I was texting him quite a lot. I don't like speaking on the phone to people and always text people rather than calling them. I don't know what it is but I just don't like speaking to people who I don't know very well on the phone unless it is in a professional capacity. Even family who I don't see very often I will text to see how they are rather than call. But anyway... So I was in contact with him quite a lot, sending a good few messages every day. We decided we were going to go on a date with each other as we were getting on quite well through text. There were a couple of niggles I had about him, like when he asked me what I would look for in an ideal man I told him what I wanted in a man and what they could do for me. I asked him the same question and his response was "someone he could look after". It kind of put me off as even though there is the MH problems I have I like to stand on my own two feet and am quite a forceful person. I know what I want and I go after what I want. So he sounded a bit like a sap. I text my friends (there we go, texting again) to let them know where I was going and as I had a feeling to see who was around as back up in case I needed it. Well, as soon as I met him I knew straight away that something was not quite right with this guy. It was like he had special needs. I was actually quite concerned that people would see me and think I was out with one of my patients. I know it sounds awful as I should be less judgemental but this was awful. Within 5 minutes of meeting him I was in the toilet on the phone (yes, I actually called someone - desperate times called for desperate measures) to my friend formulating a plan that would ensure that I could do a runner from him. I concocted this whole story about what was going on and got my friend to call twice while I was with him pretending to be in a massive mess and she needed my help. Abracadabra - 25minutes after meeting him I was in a taxi with 2 bottles of wine to go to a friends house to drink and be merry and laugh about the disaster of a date.
2) Nate -
After having been travelling for a few months and returning home I felt that I was ready to have another go at this whole meeting someone game. So online I met another guy, Nate. However, I had to postpone our first date by 2 weeks as I was in hospital with an infection and on IV antibiotics (what you get from injuring yourself in Asia, taking your own stitches out with non-sterile equipment (I wasn't going to pay though) and not looking after to wound properly. It wasn't a SI but an accident I had). I made sure we spoke on the phone this time. Didn't want a repeat of last time. I thought this guy was quite interesting and he was stunningly gorgeous! Too good to be true. I thought he was interesting as I said and I thought he had a good sense of humour and was taking the piss a lot. Turns out he wasn't taking the piss and he was deadly serious...this guy was in need of a MH Assessment. He believed he had some electric telekinetic powers and was really in to vampires and said he hung out with them. He was indecisive and put me on the spot a few times during the date asking how he was doing and how the date was going...guys, you just DON'T do this! So, luckily as I had only come out of hospital 3 days previous to this I managed to feign illness. He said that I didn't look well! So I was doing a dam good job! He was in the camp of too keen also. But luckily he didn't call me or text me again. This guy was far too in touch with his emotions and clearly wasn't over his ex. He was actually nearly crying when talking about what happened. He asked me what happened with Gom so that gave me the right to ask too didn't it? Freaky guy this one was. He was gorgeous, but not right in the head!
3) Jeremy
So, I decided to move on to a different dating site, after my horrible experience with 2 freaks I moved on and actually paid for the privilege of having freaks contact me instead! To be fair to this guy he did nothing wrong and he was really quite nice. We had our first date in the city centre and went to a few bars and then on to a club where we danced and acted like teenagers. I did like him and had a nice time with him. Only thing was he looked far too much like Gom and even kissed like him. I decided I would give him another go and decided to go on a second date with him. That also went ok. I got on well with him, yet I didn't find him attractive. After the second date he was talking about us doing all these things in the future and to be honest it scared me. I know I moan about being the one to do leg work but here we have another over keen guy. The last straw was when I agreed to go on a 3rd date (as I can't be nasty and tell them to their face that things aren't working) and he text me straight after the second date saying "I can't believe we have to wait until Friday to see each other". This was on the Monday and it was the straw that broke the camels back. I ignored him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him things weren't working out and so I just ignored his texts and calls until he got the message.
OK, I realise that from these 3 dates I sound like some cold heartless bitch. The reality is though I hate being mean. I am unable to say to people I don't like you, you are weird, we wont work etc etc etc. Generally, if I have been on a date with someone I know wont work I make my self to be the total opposite of what they want. If they never want to have kids...well I want 10 and be making a start as soon as possible and I am looking to find my life partner by joining internet dating, the opposite of that if they want kids soon. If they like one thing, I hate it and visa versa. My strategy in this is that I hope that they will not like me and wont want to see me again. However, this did not work with guy number 4!
4) Pete
Another one from the dating site. This time I adjusted my search to someone who was educated, someone who was the right age, someone who had similar interests to me, and had red hair! So the date with him. We met in a pub in the city centre and had a couple to drink in there. I knew things weren't going to work out so I made him sit outside with me while I smoked. This was in September, it had just stopped raining and was not very warm. He was in a t-shirt also. So, this is one of my ways to ensure that I never see someone again, along with making myself the opposite. The date went without any event and I saw it out til the end. I thought I had made it pretty clear that he wasn't what I was after. But the next day I get a message from him saying he thought we got on really well and could he see me again. Maybe, my method of how to lose a guy in one date doesn't work all that well after all. He was a nice guy, there was nothing about him other than his fidgeting and twitch that was annoying it was just that we didn't gel! I thought I can't be horrible to this guy by just ignoring him as he hadn't broken any of the cardinal rules of mine. So I had to compose a message to basically say I am not interested. I got help with this, from 2 girlfriends and half the blokes in the pub I was in. I let him down gently with a message along the lines of you're a really nice guy and all that shebang. I even got a message back from him saying while it was a shame thanking me for my honesty. So, the first one I actually felt bad for.
Maybe I should stick to my ignore if you don't like method.
So back to the guy on the scene at the moment. OK, I quite like him. I met him in the traditional way of being wasted and meeting him not inside a club but outside trying to get in. We were both trying to get in but the bouncers said it was too late and that we were both too drunk. So what do I do. I take him home. This is before I started DSHing again. I had previous scars which he did notice but I said I had drunkenly fallen over on a glass coffee table hence why my left arm and right leg are a mess. He believed me. I think most people would. Not many people come in to contact with self harmers. Where as for me if I see someone with scars I automatically think Self Harmer. This is as I have and do and because of where and what work I do. But I am under the impression that most people wouldn't think this.
If I have a one night stand I never expect anything from it. I don't expect to see the person again. But there was something about this guy that I liked and we have seen each other again a few times. I have not told him about the SH and also I have made sure we take things very slowly. So while he has been round to my house a few times I have made sure we just kissed at the end of the night and not done anything else. I apologised to him for sleeping with him as is not something I do. I don't make a habbit of it. It has happened a couple of times where I have met someone while drunk but it's not a regular occurance. I have not got lots of notches on the bed post. I am not that kind of girl. Quite frankly I find it quite slutty and associate that behaviour with chavs...I don't like chavs at all but that is another whole story and probably a blog in itself.
I have not got a name for him yet as can't think of a made up one that fits him well. But I have now decided I am not going to contact him again unless he makes contact with me. I am not going to be the one that makes all the effort. I don't mind making some. The thing is when we are together he is talking about things that we can do together or saying things like "we'll have to do..." not in the crazy over keen way. But I just don't know where I stand with this guy. Also, I don't think I want to be in a relationship at the moment. I need to get my self sorted in my head and get the DSHing under control and stop it. I need to find new coping mechanisms. The next guy I am with I want to be able to say a few months down the line that the scars are not from drunkly falling over but that I used to self harm but I don't anymore.
So that's that. That's how I Try to Lose a Guy in 1 Date!
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Please Just Go.
So, update....and some general ramblings...
Still pretty much the same. Yes, I did harm again. Not as bad as last time but still pretty bad. I have taken to removing my own stitches as I don't want to be questionned by the nurse at the GP practice about it and I don't want to have to explain which ones stay and which ones go.
I wish I knew why I was feeling like I am. To me I have no reason to be feeling like this. No reason why I should be feeling low and wanting to self harm. In the past I have known why I have been feeling low; what factors contributed to it. But they aren't there anymore. It is diving me mad. I am trying so hard each day to not SH. I try not to look at my legs as the scars and healing wounds are just reminders of how good it feels. In one of my first posts on here I tried to explain what it was that I got from it.
So, on to other matters. I don't want to constantly being going on about the SH. It has been in the news over the last couple of days how 2 small boys were spotted in an area in my city roaming the streets at 12.30am and then again at 5.30am. The police were sent out on a massive search for them and was all over the local press. It turns out the boys were identified as being 5 and 6. They were found safe and well and was that they decided to go out on their own in the middle of the night. Now, to me, it seems ludicrus that the mother did not know where her children were or did not hear them. To go out, come back and go out again and then come back again without her noticing is rather worrying. Why, at that age the boys went out also. I know at that age I was scared of my own shadow. I think something is going on there. There is no way children of that age would decide to just go for a walk twice at that time of night if they were not trying to escape from something. I do hope a Social Services referal has been placed and she will be looked in to as something is clearly amis in this household. Also, I am going to be very prejudiced here, but, the area of my city that this was in is not a good area at all and she is probably some benefit claming chav who was pissed out her head and that is why she didn't hear them! Anyway, rant over on that one.
I get a lie in tomorrow...yay! But, no doubt I will be up at the crack of dawn as usual as I am so cold. I feel as a woman it is my right to always be cold. Now winter is really kicking in, i am entitled to this even more so. But, it does drive me mad how I am waking up in the morning so cold that I am shivering. I have moaned at my parents about putting the heating on a timer and they say they are not cold so they wont. Well, they wont be with their electric blanket and what ever else they have in their room keeping them warm. I am really not a fan of this colder weather.
On another note... I brought some GHD's the other day. Got them delievered. To be honest...can't see the hype about them. Wish I hadn't spent so much on them now. They are good but I wouldn't say they are £100 worth of good.
So, that's about it really. My week has been pretty uneventful. I am managing to get by. Trying to keep focused with uni work and keep my head together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't!
Still pretty much the same. Yes, I did harm again. Not as bad as last time but still pretty bad. I have taken to removing my own stitches as I don't want to be questionned by the nurse at the GP practice about it and I don't want to have to explain which ones stay and which ones go.
I wish I knew why I was feeling like I am. To me I have no reason to be feeling like this. No reason why I should be feeling low and wanting to self harm. In the past I have known why I have been feeling low; what factors contributed to it. But they aren't there anymore. It is diving me mad. I am trying so hard each day to not SH. I try not to look at my legs as the scars and healing wounds are just reminders of how good it feels. In one of my first posts on here I tried to explain what it was that I got from it.
So, on to other matters. I don't want to constantly being going on about the SH. It has been in the news over the last couple of days how 2 small boys were spotted in an area in my city roaming the streets at 12.30am and then again at 5.30am. The police were sent out on a massive search for them and was all over the local press. It turns out the boys were identified as being 5 and 6. They were found safe and well and was that they decided to go out on their own in the middle of the night. Now, to me, it seems ludicrus that the mother did not know where her children were or did not hear them. To go out, come back and go out again and then come back again without her noticing is rather worrying. Why, at that age the boys went out also. I know at that age I was scared of my own shadow. I think something is going on there. There is no way children of that age would decide to just go for a walk twice at that time of night if they were not trying to escape from something. I do hope a Social Services referal has been placed and she will be looked in to as something is clearly amis in this household. Also, I am going to be very prejudiced here, but, the area of my city that this was in is not a good area at all and she is probably some benefit claming chav who was pissed out her head and that is why she didn't hear them! Anyway, rant over on that one.
I get a lie in tomorrow...yay! But, no doubt I will be up at the crack of dawn as usual as I am so cold. I feel as a woman it is my right to always be cold. Now winter is really kicking in, i am entitled to this even more so. But, it does drive me mad how I am waking up in the morning so cold that I am shivering. I have moaned at my parents about putting the heating on a timer and they say they are not cold so they wont. Well, they wont be with their electric blanket and what ever else they have in their room keeping them warm. I am really not a fan of this colder weather.
On another note... I brought some GHD's the other day. Got them delievered. To be honest...can't see the hype about them. Wish I hadn't spent so much on them now. They are good but I wouldn't say they are £100 worth of good.
So, that's about it really. My week has been pretty uneventful. I am managing to get by. Trying to keep focused with uni work and keep my head together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't!
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