Thursday, 31 March 2011

Please Help Me....

Bit of research here...

To you as service users, what is important to you when building a relationship with professionals?

I was once told an important thing to do is make the service user think that you like them. They may not like you but if they think you like them then they will be more honest with you.

Is there anything that is important to you? How should a professional be if you are going to have a good open relationship with them?


I've set up a Facebook account for my unknown blogging and SF life. I thought it would be nice to contact people that way and keep in contact with people from blogging world. So I am on there as Golden Psych, the picture is a clip art of someone pulling their hair out.

Horrible Doctors

So I went to the hospital yesterday morning and the doctor was horrible and incompetent. First off he was looking at the wrong x-ray. I told him that was one of my leg and not of my arm. So he then looks at the date closes it and clicks another one of my leg. I think when it clearly says femur on it it indicates it's my leg. There was only one that said humerus and that should have indicated that that was the one he needed to look at. Being as though the needle was in my arm and all that.

I can still feel it in there. I think it's on a nerve so I get pins and needles in my hand and pain all down my arm. There are some days when something as simple as putting a top on or seat belt on is unbearable. Other days it is just a twinge. I told him all this and he said it could perhaps just be a coincidence. So I was quite abrupt with him and said well it's a bloody good coincidence that it hurts exactly where it is and from when it happened. He then was saying how he knew someone with something much bigger in her and it wasn't causing pain. It was as though he didn't believe me and couldn't be arsed. I think as soon as he knew I self harmed he treated me like shit.

He was saying they could have a go at getting it but there were no guarantees that it would work. He then went on saying how it would leave a scar. I'm not bothered about scars. As long as not my face and as long as I haven't done it. Then I have a reasonable excuse for it. If I am the one who did it then that's when it bothers me.

In the end I said I would rather them have a go at getting it and fail rather than me have it in me thinking it could possibly come out. Especially when it hurts also. I think they will be able to get it. It can't be that hard. It's not as though it's small is it?

So in the end he said he would add me on the waiting list and as though as an after thought said....we will have to put you to sleep though. The way he said it was sort of spiteful. I really didn't like him and hope it's not him who does the operation.

So yesterday I had quite a full day really.

I really felt like crap after the appointment.

Wednesday, 30 March 2011


The Quetiapine isn't too bad so far. It makes me a zombie for the first half of the day. I struggle to get up in the morning. But I am only on 50mg and they want to up it soon. So kinda worried about that.

Saw Sam today. She said she had a feeling that I wouldn't turn up and that I would be really pissed at her for contacting uni. She said she would be from the beginning to make sure I went so although I would have liked some notice of when she would, I am not overly pissed off. We spoke about a number of things today. I don't feel that an hour is long enough for appointments as I feel as though I am getting somewhere and then we have to finish. Usually we end up running over by about 20minutes which I feel bad about.

She said that placement need to know about the self harm. I don't feel that they do. I don't want anyone knowing. I don't like the idea of people knowing. Katie in Wonderland has just written a really good post about having people know and it is how I feel. I haven't really put that much thought in to it before about why I don't want people knowing. But, for me a main thing is I don't want people to treat me any different. I don't want people to think they are having to be careful what they say to me as it may upset me and if they do upset me I am going to go and self harm. I can deal with that. I don't self harm because of other people I self harm because of me. Quite insightful don't you think? I am quite insightful when it comes to self harm. I have never blamed anyone else and I have never thought you've upset me saying/doing that I am going to self harm now. It has all been my choice and my doing.

She feels that placement need to know as I could possibly be a risk as I am not thinking straight. She says that the self harm I do is severe and dangerous. I struggle to see that it is. I sort of understand what she is saying but I really can't see how blood letting a few mls of blood a day, probably around 100mls a week can have a massive effect. She keeps saying the risk I am putting myself in but I still believe cutting is worse.

Anyway, she said now her service has done what they needed to do, I can be honest with her about my feelings and self harm and she will support me. What I tell her stays confidential between me and her. I told her about my fears of being hospitalized. I said how I thought Dr T has moved from, "no, hospital is not an option we are not going to consider it" to "we think you possibly need to have a mental health act assessment". "If you are put on section 2 or 3 we have to contact nearest relative". When I asked if it was a possibility he jumped in there really quickly saying "is it something you want to do". And the way he said it was kind of hopeful. Like oh, if you agree to this I don't need to mess around organising assessments etc. I have not stopped thinking about it and it's thrown me in to a bit of a hyper again. I am eating though! Not controlling things yet! But I am going on at a million miles an hour again, restless. You know how it is. I feel when I am walking I am going really fast and everyone else is going really slow. I am worried. I really am. He mentioned before that it wouldn't just be a quick thing it would be a number of weeks for assessment. I am so scared.

I said to Sam about taking the meds as I need to comply with something. I said I don't want to be in counselling but I feel that it's complying and if I want to stay on the course I need to. I said about discharging myself and she said I am in my rights to do that if I wanted to. I told her how I just wanted to run away from the whole situation. But what is stopping me doing that is at the moment I still have some control. And I worry about if I did that I would be forced and I would lose control. She asked me if I wanted to be in hospital and I said not. And she asked me if I thought I needed to be and I said not. But then changed it to being unsure. I said if I was honest and told people all my thoughts then I would probably be made to go in, which is why I don't tell people. I didn't tell her that if I was made to go in I do have a suicide plan. I said I feel as though as I am cornered because I believe it would make things worse for me. In terms of self harm, suicidal thoughts/acts, and having to come off uni course. Yet even though I think this I don't feel as though I can voice it because I think it looks like I am making threats saying you do this, I'm doing that.

We discussed loads more, I suppose it was quite a detailed session today. I don't feel as though I am getting anywhere with how I am feeling with counselling but, I do think in a way it's beneficial to me to have someone to talk to and to be able to talk about my feelings with someone like her. I do like her, I understand what she (I should say they as was being corrected today by her. Because I see her and her alone I am in the mindset it's what she has done but I know she has talked it over with supervisors and other people and is group decision it's just that Sam has the unfortunate job of being my counsellor) did and doing her job and from a professional view I would have done the same. I understand, it's just bloody hard being on the receiving end of it.

So Sam said she would contact Dr T for me and find out some more info for me and asked me if I would like her to come to next appointment with me. She offers to come everywhere with me. Lol. She's really sweet though and get the feeling she genuinally cares....either she does or she's very good at her job. Either way it makes me feel better. I may take her up on it though. I struggle to remember what happens in appointments as I am usually quite anxious and so maybe useful to have someone there who knows everything about me. Dunno. I need to think about it more.

I do want to continue on the course, I want a future and I want to do well. But. BUT, I am still having these suicidal thoughts on a reel going around and round. Each night as I lie in bed I plan out what I will do or imagine it happening. I still want to self harm. You would have thought that these feelings would have dissacipated now I have realised how much I want the course. How much I want a decent job etc. Yet they are still there and they scare me as I know I can think fuck it and give up quite easily. I can be getting on with my work and still planning how and where I am going to do it at the weekend. I am not saying I am planning on doing anything at the weekend. The only suicide plans I have that are definite are if I am made to go in to hospital. I have other plans. But they are not firm. They are not a set time, place, method. Just that I think about how I would etc. That's not normal is it?

So the rest of the day. Kinda freaked out when the bi-polar guy I work with told me what dose of Quetiapine he is on and it's the same as mine. I did some detective work (I'm good at that along with Facebook stalking) and was talking to him about meds and what he has been on and what he's on now. It really does freak me out being on this stuff. But with it being of a different type of medication I hope it may work. The part in me that wants to get better wants it to work ans stabilise my mood. There are so many thoughts running through my head about it. They are
Take it, you want to do the course.
Don't take it but don't tell anyone you are not taking it and you can continue as you are. But what if you get really bad then?
Don't take it and tell them you refuse to take drugs.
Don't take it, store it and OD on it. Add it to your OD drawer.

It's scary stuff.

Also, what has being intelligent (not blowing my own trumpet here but bare with me) got to do with anything. A number of people have said to me you are a highly intelligent girl... Does this mean because I am supposedly intelligent that I should know better than to do something as stupid as self harm? That people who self harm are of generally lower intelligence? I don't get it. Sam said it, Dr T said it, Nurseman Mike has said it, family members even BitchEDNurse has said it; although I've only spoke to her when pissed so don't know how she can make that conclusion. But do you get what I mean. I don't see myself as being intelligent either. So what, I have a degree, anyone can get a degree now a days. I am doing a Masters, ok, but it's not a science is it? I don't honestly see how people can rate me as highly intelligent when all I have done all my life is average. I am average. I am not intelligent. I am not unintelligent. I am average.

So can someone please explain what is meant by is. In all honesty when people say that I find it quite patronising.

I did have more to write about the day about my hospital appointment. But I took my quetiapine about 45 minutes ago and it's starting to kick in. Time for bedybyes!

Night world!


Tuesday, 29 March 2011

It Ain't Over Til...

La la la laaaaa la la la.

If only that easy. So things aren't over and I am freaking out.

Sam called uni. Uni have called me and said that even though I have been in Sam still has concerns about me doing course and placement. So uni have called a meeting with me and the course leader and my personal tutor. I am trying to remain positive but I don't see that I can be. I don't know what Sam has said.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want people involved it scares me. I don't want to see a counsellor and I don't want a psychiatrist. I don't want to take drugs. I can't not though. I am scared they will force it on me. There is talk of another mental health act assessment flying around and I don't really know what to do. When Dr T mentioned it I said I had had one on the 136. He said it would be different. Does anyone know the difference? As far as I am aware a MHA is 2 docs and an AMHP. That's who was there. Is there a difference from one on a 136  to other types?

So in my little weirded out brain I am thinking this meeting at uni is just an excuse to get me somewhere to do the assessment. I worry that going to see Sam tomorrow it's just an excuse to do an assessment.

Can I just discharge myself and stop attending? What would happen?

Monday, 28 March 2011


Well, it has turned out better than I thought it would. I went in to uni today and told my course leader about my being mentally interesting (I know I stole that from others but I do like the saying). I was going in expecting her to say well if a professional thinks you can't do it then you need to take a break. But she didn't. She asked me what I thought and what I wanted. I explained to her that while I self harm and have other issues etc that I really enjoy the course and am loving my placement. I said I had been asked by placement people to sign on with them to do relief work over the summer. She asked if I had had any problems with placement and I said at first when working in an area that I lived in and only around the corner from where I lived it was hard. But I dealt with it. I said to her that I was with Gom for nearly 9 years and we lived together so was to be expected things like being so close to my old house was evoking horrible emotions.

 I talked about supervision with her and said how I was getting it 2x a week and how I ran all my decisions through someone before acting. We discussed my academic work and she seemed pretty pleased with the progress I was making. She said they had no concerns about me from their end as long as I continued to get help etc. She said she didn't really want me to stop placement as would mean taking a whole year out, especially if it's not what I wanted to do. I even told her that in doing the course it was such a positive thing for me and is my motivation in wanting to become less mentally interesting. She seemed pleased with that.

We talked about how as Social Workers the best ones are often the ones who have experienced problems and is often a motivation in becomming social workers. Then she told me that I wasn't the only one who was mentally interesting on the course and that she was aware that from my group there were a couple of others in counselling also. Yay....I'm not the only one. It has made me think though about who it could be.

Anyway she was really nice and supportive and has said that if I am struggling with stuff before pulling me out they'd look at things like extending deadlines etc. So it was positive really.

I didn't tell her what I was doing to self harm and that I have tried to kill myself. I don't think they need to know that. Coming so close to losing something that I am so passionate about has made me re-evaluate things in a way.
I know I need to find other ways to cope rather than self harming. I switched to blood letting as to me it was a safer way. I was told by Nurseman Mike that I could lose a leg or something as the cutting as out of hand. When I cut I can't keep it at superficial as it is something that has been building up inside of me. When I use cutting as a method of self harm it's usually every couple of weeks and it's bad. I mean requiring internal stitches and lots of external ones. Bad that the area I have cut is too big for just local anaesthetic on it's own and usually need gas and air. When I cut it's a long process. I mean a few hours. I go in to my own little world and I am not aware of time. I don't feel pain. The blood letting is a quick fix. It's quick. Half hour tops. I moved to this as I saw it as less dangerous. No risk of infection, no risk of losing a limb. Since I have been doing this the cutting has reduced. Since xmas I have only cut twice. Ok most normal people don't cut at all. But I am not normal. Nurseman Mike's colleague told me to cut more often. He thought if I did it more often it wouldn't build up inside me and be as bad. At the time I ignored him and kind of laughed at actually being told to self harm more regularly. I am not so sure now. Maybe there is sense in his logic. I wonder if there are ways in which I can safely self harm. I am not quite ready to let it go yet.

I need to speak to Sam about it really. I need to start looking after myself. I need to stop this silly control thing with food. When things go shit I do it quite often. It's a control thing in that I can control what I eat when I can't control anything else that is going on in my life. So as hard as it will be I need to make sure I eat a healthy diet, no matter how bad things can get. I say this now when I have rational hat on. I hope when I am thrown in to crisis I can do this. I am going to carry on going to see Sam. Well I think I am. I have been referred to a clinical psychologist who says she will work with me. If I go work with her then I can't work with Sam anymore. I do have a couple of options though... the first is that I stay with Sam and have no input from her, other is that I go to her and stop working with Sam, and the final one is that she works through Sam. I am not sure of the benefits of clinical psychology and what she would do that would be different. Sam has said she will get clinical psychologist to call me (time to name her as I can imagine I may talk about her again.....ummmmmm Clinical Psychologist is now called Kat) and I can discuss with her what she may do that is different and if there is any benefit of working directly with her. I also have to consider the time she is available, it's probably only 9-5 and I am quite lucky as with Sam I can see her in the evening.

I do have concerns about continuing to work with Sam though. I know why she did what she did and put in her position I would have done the same thing. But, how can I be honest with her now when she has these feelings that I shouldn't be doing what I am doing and if I tell her about the suicidal thoughts then it just adds ammo. I do want to be normal. I do want a career. The suicidal thoughts wont just stop. They were there before all this kicked off and it's not as though it's all just going to go away. They do scare me. I don't know what to do about them. I have never been in a position though where I do something I love and something I am so passionate about and that is my motivation to make sure they don't take over. I am not sure if Sam will be happy with what I told uni. I told them Sam had concerns about my fitness for work and could be psychological and physiological implications, I told them about the self harm and my mentally interestingness. They are going to support me to continue which is good. But I know Sam doesn't want me doing it at the moment and I am worried she will not be happy with what the outcome of all this is.

So on to other news. I went to see Dr T psychiatrist today. He's got me worried also. He's changed my meds. Not to what I wanted but to Quetiapine. I'm kinda worried about being on it. It's an anti psychotic. I am worried it is going to turn me in to a Zombie and not let me function. I don't really know how it works either. I know with antidepressants they stop certain hormones being taken back up. I am ok with the idea of that. I am not so ok with the idea of this. I told him how I stopped taking the Mirtazapine and he had a go at me for stopping suddenly, well I ran out and I wasn't going to pay for a prescription I didn't want to use anymore.

He then went on to say how there has been talk of a mental health act assessment on me. I said I had one on the 136 and he said it would be different. I think he thinks I should be in hospital. We talked about who knew about my problems. I said I didn't tell my parents detail but they knew I was having a few problems at the moment. He said I should think about telling them more and then went on to say if I was on a section 2 or 3 the nearest relative would have to be informed etc. I said I was aware of that but being as though I will do what I can to avoid going in to hospital I would hope it wouldn't get to that. I am really worried he thinks I should be in hospital. I am so scared about it. As much as hold the issue of mental health and stigma close to my heart I am embarrassed by the way I am. I don't want people knowing all about me. I don't want people knowing I was in hospital as of my mental health. There is also the problem that I have worked on the psych wards in this city. So I know a lot of the staff and it would be so embarrassing. I like space, I like to be alone. I wouldn't get that there would I? I hate the idea of being confined to a ward. To have to ask when I want to go for a cigarette, to be checked on.

So now I'm paranoid I am going to be getting 3 people turning up at my house to do an assessment. Reading other peoples blogs I have seen that it has happened. The rational part in me says perhaps if he thought that I needed to be in hospital it would be something he would discuss with me and not leave it until the next appointment which will be in a month. He said get the stuff sorted out with your course first. So maybe he's not. But then I think I haven't told them I am suicidal or having suicidal thoughts so maybe he is ok to wait. If he doesn't think I am going to kill myself then it's not urgent that I am in there is it. So he can afford to wait and see what happens. I don't like the idea of being discussed in meetings and he gave me the impression today I was being discussed rather a lot recently.

I have been allocated a care coordinator. I just hope they are are nurse and not a social worker. I don't know who they are yet either. I hope it's a bloke. For some reason I prefer working with blokes. I find them easier to trust. I think it's the whole being female thing and worrying that they are going to tell their friends well I know this girl who does... where as I don't think guys are like that.

Anyway, that's my day really. I will probably speak to Sam tomorrow or hear from her via email. I still don't know if I am ok really. I know I need to do something about it. I know that running away from it isn't gong to solve anything. And becoming an alcoholic isn't really good for me as I can't stand being hung over.  I suppose with plenty of practice I wouldn't get hang overs anymore. But still. The thought of those initial hang overs are not an inviting prospect.

So plans......
To only drink when out with friends and even then regulate what I have...add soft drinks in to the mix
To research safe self harm
To try and be more positive...remember that new years resolution I made?
To try and talk to myself when I am being particularly mentally interesting and to rationalise with myself.

Good plans????


Sunday, 27 March 2011

What's Normal?

I have come to the realisation that I am not.

I mean...

Who has a drawer of bandages, saline and steri-strips
Who hoards all old pills for a just in case...especially if you know those meds may cause heart problems...they are same group as Venaflaxine so I am guessing they may?
Who has a psychiatrist
Who sees a counsellor
Who takes a blade to themselves and describes the feeling as better than the best sex ever?
Who takes a needle to themselves and says the reason they are doing that is because they don't want to scar?
Who drives down to the river and looks at places which are good places to go to OD and ligate?
Who is obsessed with death.
Who pictures their own death over and over. Has even got as far as planning their own funeral.
Who sees the 30 day song challenge and sees that that on one of the days the song is one you would play at your funeral and you put real thought in to it?
Who when driving thinks I will pull out in front of this massive HGV and has to restrain themselves from doing it.?
Who spends hours and hours on the internet looking at different methods and planning?

There are many others that I can't think of on the top of my head. I know my feelings aren't normal.

They scare me!

Saturday, 26 March 2011


I feel really weird today. I went a bit far with self harm last night. I did what I usually do and the weirdest thing happened. The whole right side of my body went numb and I couldn't move it. I couldn't sit up, I couldn't move. It was quite scary really. I thought finally I have succeeded. But I didn't want to be found with the needle in my arm and blood covered towel over me. So I was fighting and fighting to move and I couldn't. After a while I managed to move enough to throw myself on the floor to get the towel pushed under the bed and I used my teeth to get the needle out. I feel really weird today. My body feels really weak but at least I manage to stand and can move my arms, legs and hands. It lasted about 30mins-1hour

I felt disappointed today that I woke up.

I decided last night that the only thing keeping me going was the course. The fact that I could make something of my life. I have the meeting on Monday with university and Sam. Sam said she would come with me. I don't understand it. At first she was saying it's my choice what I tell them. Then she was saying I have to tell the everything; the 136 and how recent attempts are (she doesn't know about my latest ways of trying. If I tell her I think she would have to break confidentiality and then some way would be found to stop me). Then I emailed her Thursday and said I was not wanting to tell them about the 136 and how recent attempts were and she phoned me and said about how we have to find someway of giving them enough information so they can make a decision but also retaining my confidentiality.

I do feel as though why am I bothering with uni. I feel like the wanting to die has taken me over now. So if I am going to kill myself why am I bothered about what is going to happen at uni?

I do wonder if I told someone all my thoughts if I would be made to go in to hospital. I feel as though I am walking on a tightrope and people are watching me. I feel I have to stay on as falling off would cause a lot of embarrassment and I would feel like a failure.

I feel as though I am pulled in all directions.

Today it is a year to the day since I last saw Gom. That's making me feel shit also. He probably has no idea what I am going through at the moment. He said a year a go that I should be in a hospital not going away travelling. He said a lot of really hurtful things to me over the 8 years we were together. I never thought though I would not be with him. A whole year it's been since I saw him. Next weekend it's a year since I went travelling.

I'm aware that this blog has turned in to a moaning how much I want to die kind of blog. Not exactly what I wanted from it. I do find it helps to get things written down. I will keep on doing it. I just hope I don't get thrown in to hospital. I have plans if I do. I know not exactly conductive to getting better but I can't cope with the whole idea of it.

I hate the way things are at the moment. I hate the way I am.

Thursday, 24 March 2011

Giving Up?

I think I have resigned myself to the fact I wont be going back to placement.

I feel as though I should just give up. I can't face this. I know I need to keep doing it as of the benefits it has for me. But. At the same time, the self harm is just stupid now. I think about death all the time. I know normal people don't. Normal people don't think about death and killing themselves. I have a plan should things get worse than they are now. I get out plan. Maybe taking some time out would be a benefit. But at the same time I am not sure if it would. I think I will get worse. What have I got controlling me?

I wonder what a life would be like where I am not filled with these thoughts of suicide. It is constant. I always feel I want to die. It is on constant loop. There is not really time where I feel like I don't. Even when things are seemingly going well I feel like I still want to die. I have felt like this for a very long time. Even when I didn't acknowledge the depression and I was having the time of my life travelling, I wanted to die.

I know how to keep myself safe. I do. At the moment I would not attempt unless I knew for sure it would work or would look like an accident.

Part of the reason I have been so against taking a break is because I know I will sink in to a deeper depression. Because I enjoy the placement it gets me out of bed in the morning. When I am not there I don't get dressed. I stay in bed all day. I don't shower or do anything. I live in PJ's.

I feel like just giving up on everything now. Turning my back on the world and checking out. I don't want to fight it anymore. I don't drink that much anymore but I want to spend my days drinking to block out the thoughts. I don't want to have to answer to anyone and I don't want people to care about me.

I think I should just give up.

Last Fight

This is going to be my last fight. I don't have the energy. Part of me is fighting to stay on the course as I am scared about what will happen if I am not. It keeps me going at the moment. It gives me purpose. I enjoy it. Take it away, your taking away any fight I have in me.

I have never been honest with people about my feelings before. This is telling me that it was wrong. Why should I be honest when it has negative consequences. Being honest hasn't helped me. It's not made it so people can care. It's made it worse. I wish I never asked for help. I wish I had never gone to counselling. Don't get me wrong, if I was in Sam's position I would be doing the same. I am not angry at her. I am angry at myself. But I feel should I never have gone to counselling then I wouldn't be in this position. I wouldn't have felt worse in myself as of discussing things like I have been. I wouldn't be threatened with losing my place on the course. So I am angry at myself. I hate myself for thinking things would get better.

I am pissed off.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Getting Worse.

So even with my GP saying that he will support me. Basically I am going to have to tell uni everything. Including how I tried to kill myself and that I am self harming. Sam wanted to make sure everything is told to them. She is going to check up and get confirmation I have told uni. So being as though I have to tell them I may as well take her with me. Even if I tell uni I am fine to work. They are going to want reports etc from people involved which will take time which means being pulled from placement. If I was them and I was being told that stuff I wouldn't let me continue.

It's just a whole bunch of shit.

I have told me mum tonight. Not everything but that I had been seeing a counsellor every week and had seen a psychiatrist a few times. She said she was glad I was as she knew I had issues that I wouldn't talk to them about. She said I can only hope for the best. At first she was quite naive to the whole thing saying well it's not as though I'm going to attack these people. She didn't quite get the whole safeguarding thing. I said they agree with me on that but it's more than that. There's the neglect side that I could neglect to do something important as of the way I am. Once she understood she was supportive of me but trying to get more info out of me about what I discuss in counselling. I have had to tell her as it looks like I am going to be around the house a hell of a lot more over coming months.

I just feel as though I have been defeated.

A lot more went on but I wanted peoples comments. I will blog more tomorrow once I have had chance to sleep on the whole thing and put some order in to the jumble of my brain. I have to tell my line manager tomorrow that there is a chance I wont be going back there and that I need to take the rest of the week off until I have spoken to uni on Monday.

But for now I needed to get out the initial stuff. And ask, how do you tell people you tried to kill yourself and not come across in a negative light? Please comment on this anyone who reads.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

What's Going On?

A question. Because I am not really sure.

I don't feel well :-(

I'm still doing my control thing with food. Managed from Sunday lunch to tonight. Not good enough. I feel weak for giving in. I actually considered making myself sick to get rid of it. Tomorrow I am back on the control thing. No food until Friday. In my mad world at the moment it's the only thing I feel I can control.

I went to my GP today. He's lovely. Such a nice guy. Not in the cute kind of way as I would say he's mid 40's and doctor like. But just so nice in the fact that he genuinely cares. In fact all the GP's at my surgery are brilliant. He asked how things were going. I asked him for a fit note. Nope. He can't do it. BUT, he did say he will support me in my studies/placement and doesn't think it's for the best I should be pulled from it. He said that he knows I don't take my issues in to work with me as he can tell when I go to see him that I cover a lot up and that he doesn't feel I am a risk to others. He said I'll make a really good SW. He said his only worry is me. He said he knows it's more than depression and there is more to it. But I am not delusional, manic or psychotic and that he would worry if there was those but as it stands he thinks it's good for me to being doing the course. So while he said he wouldn't write a fit note as should I royally screw up he would be to blame, he would write a report if asked. He said while he couldn't lie if he was asked particular questions he would make sure he was supportive of me staying on placement. Although he said because I have a psychiatrist it would probably be him that uni would be asking should they want further clarification.

What concerns me is how uni will be. They have never asked me if I have had/have mental health problems so I haven't lied in not saying anything. But I am worried they wont be supportive. I am going to have to be really careful in how I word everything.

I am really worried about everything. It's sending me in to a weird way. If uni think there are any concerns they are not going to let me do my placement while they wait for reports are they? If they have concerns they are going to pull me.

I said to my GP about how I was worried about being pulled and what it would do to me. I said I can appreciate that I am not sounding like the most stable person in saying it but I was worried about how it would affect me. If you look at my medical records the admissions and self harm have been when I have been on breaks from uni. The holidays etc.OK, there was the s136. But that was because I was stupid. Because I went out when I wasn't in the right frame of mind and drank. Usually I reason with myself and don't allow myself to go near alcohol unless I am having a stable day. If there have been increased thoughts of suicide or self harm I don't touch it. I am not saying that these thoughts are going to go away. But I am able to have some control over them.

He then took my BP. Not for the hell of it but because that's the original reason I went in. I am on a contraceptive pill which helps regulate my PCOS. When ever I have it taken and I am not with the GP it's on the lower side of normal. When I was in hospital it was always around 110/70. At first today he wouldn't tell me what it was as he didn't want to worry me. In the end he told me the top reading was 166. I have never had it so high. It was probably to do with the conversation we had just had and the fact that I knew it needed to be low as they don't let you have the pill if it's high. So I was worrying about that. So combined it's probably quite expected it would be high. But that high. Even I am worried. I am worried they are going to take me off the pill and that combined with the Metformin is working. I have regular light periods for the first time in about 3 years. I just hope they don't take me off it. So I am worrying about that now. It's so frustrating the whole irregularity of my periods and it's so nice to be able to know when I am going to be on. Before I was bleeding up to 20days of the month. Please don't let there be another thing to add to my list of problems. Especially when I thought it was sorted out.

The more I write about it the more I think I am possibly delusional after all. I worry that there is a bigger issue than I can see and I keep saying it's fine, I'm ok. When maybe, I'm not. I know I am still self harming with the letting and there was those weekends where I swallowed stuff. Maybe I do need to be really honest and say everything. I fear if I am and tell them just how often I think about killing myself even though doing the course is making me happy they will turn round and say, actually you need to be in hospital. I have plans if I was admitted though. If the worst came to the worst and I was admitted I know then I have plans to kill myself. So is me saying that  maybe I do need to be in hospital just an excuse for me to do what I need/plan to do.

At the moment I have made a deal with myself. I am not going to attempt while I am doing the course as that is giving me hope. If they take that away I'm giving up. I have got fight in me at the moment. There is something I am fighting for. But take that away and then my hope has gone. I can't see the point in fighting to keep it together when I have nothing to keep it together for.

I know I am not stable at the moment. I am not a risk to anyone though as I am good at what I do.

I'm not really thinking straight at the moment. As I said I am not feeling 100%. Not mentally but I think I am getting some kind of virus. Dunno. It may just be because I have been taking the metformin on an empty stomach. My diet has been coffee for the past couple of days so it could be that also. Less coffee for me tomorrow!

Monday, 21 March 2011

Where People Come From?

I just wondered what type of person would search for "gynecologist male english me" in google. They did and they got my blog.

It made me giggle anyway.

Sunday, 20 March 2011


I have tried to be honest about how I feel and what is going on for me but it seems as though that makes things worse. So I don't know why I bothered trying in the first place.

I want to do this course. I want to do well. Yet the thoughts of suicide are a constant. Surly it's not normal to fantasise about taking your own life and picturing your own death. Playing it out in your head over and over and over. I live for my work. When I am at work/placement I have control. It doesn't affect it. I can't say it's not that the thoughts don't occur, they do. But I can control them more. I can ensure they don't have any impact on what I do. The day that they do is the day I hang up the boots. What makes me happy is helping other people. Putting other people first and making them happy. Or helping them to help themselves.

I am good at what I do. I get results and no one is negatively effected. I did a great job of something on Friday. Something I have been trying to do for this client since the day I met her. I have had so many obstacles and have had to jump through hoops just to do this thing but it paid off and I got her what she wanted and what she needed. I felt really good about it and so I should.

Why, when I want to do this so much, am I still fantasising about my own death. Why am I even planning it still? Why do I spend hours online looking up methods. I think I even have a plan now should the worst happen in all of this.

Why am I secreting blades in places, just in case.

I have this awful feeling I am going to end up in hospital and I have started preparing for it. I have hidden blades in places I know wouldn't get searched. Like under my battery in my phone.If it was recommended that I go rather than being sectioned I would agree to it and go as an informal patient. Of course I don't want to go but informal patients have so many more rights than those who are sectioned. And if I was informal which I would have to agree to as if sectioned then it's on your records and will come up in searches. And if you are informal they can't force your medication, and you can leave the ward when you want. So I have made the decision if they turned round to me and said you need to be in hospital etc etc etc I suppose I would have to agree so it didn't go down the sectioning route.

The two people in me are getting further and further apart. It's strong that I want to do this course and succeed. But it's strong that I am now even thinking that I don't care if looks like a suicide. And I have a plan should I be made to go in to hospital which I know would work.

This whole thing is sending me mad. It's making me have really delusional, paranoid thoughts. It's making my thoughts go at over a million miles an hour, I am restless, I don't know what to do.

How can I ask for benzo's from the GP on Tuesday when I want a fit note from him. Before all this stuff kicked off I was asked to make an appointment with him. I can speak to him about all of this on Tuesday. I may say I have had a problem with my sleep and can I have some sleepers. I wont mention my head and what is going through it.

I have emailed Sam today asking if we still have an appointment on Wednesday. I want to show her I am infact stable and can rationalise. I know I can. I understand why she feels why she is doing what she is doing. But if I then and go and cut off contact and run away from it all I think it shows I am not stable and not rational. So while my instincts are to run away and just ignore the problem I have rationalised that it is not the best thing to do and I need to keep seeing her.

Part of me feels that I have been assessed by Nurseman Mike, and others in his dept, I have a psychiatrist and was assessed by a full team when I was 136'd and not one of them said I should be taking a break and they thought it was beneficial to me to carry on with the course. Surly if they thought I was at risk they wouldn't be saying that?

Ok. I am probably not in the most stable of places at the moment but that is because I am under threat. I am not sure where things are going and I have been thrown in to turmoil. I think I am actually coping with it rather well. There would have been a time in the past where I would have just gone fuck you all then and then gone on a drinking, od'ing, cutting and attempt bender. I am trying to hard to fight those irrational thoughts that are telling me well, who cares what you do. You wont succeed so you may as well throw in the towel and do what you want to do. Go on. Take that blade. Take those pills. Go on go mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know for a while I have to keep my feelings to myself. Well to here and not discussed with anyone in a professional capacity. I know now if I am honest then the fall out from that is worse than keeping them to myself. I said the other day that the 136 was a wake up call for me. I suppose in a way it was. I wont be going jumping of bridges. Well I wouldn't anyway as I haven't got the courage for that. What I have learnt from that is not to drink to excess. If I start to feel those thoughts coming on if I have had a drink to distract myself some how. I know now I wont be able to talk about my feelings with Sam. Not if I am going to be continuing on the course.

I have managed before. I have managed for the last 26 years like that so I will just have to carry on doing it.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

What I Like (and what I don't).

What I like and makes me feel nice and happy....

Clean bedding
Clean and tidy room (I am not exactly the most tidy person so is always nice once I finally get around to tidying my room)
Lie ins
The smell of fresh cut grass
The smell of summer rain
The smell of clothes that have been dried outside
The feeling when you wear a new outfit
Getting in to a really good book.
Taking my time in the shower
Sitting outside in the summer
The way my nephew says my name (he has only just learnt to say it, it's sooooo cute)
Waking up at about 4am thinking it must be nearly time to get up and seeing the clock and realising you have a few more hours sleep.
Cuddles (although I don't have anyone to get them from at the moment)
When something I have worked towards comes off positively for me.
Basking in the sun in summer.
When someone does something nice for me just because...
The feeling of when you do something nice for someone just because.
Snuggling under a blanket in front of the fire and watching a good film in the winter.
How pretty snow looks when it has first fallen.
Driving in the summer with the windows down and the music up.
Getting something a lot cheaper than you expected it to be...Primark is always good for this.

What I don't like and what makes me feel horrible and bad...

Having a messy room
Hangovers (especially on hot days)
Public transport
Chavs - and yeah I am going in to social work still. Lol
Bad English. I know my grammar isn't great but the borrow/lending thing drives me mad, as does loose, and lose, I haven't got none, their, there and they're. These are just a few.
Having to pick up the dog mess when she goes (I do it though, I am not one of these who leaves it).
Bad drivers.
Arrogant people.
People who blame everyone else but fail to look at themselves.
People with stupid, unrealistic about you get a job first.
People who think because they are on benefits they have entitlements!
Crap music.
Cinnamon (It makes me heave)
Kidney Beans
Snakes (my biggest fear, I have ran out of clubs and screamed at rickshaw driver to pull up somewhere else as it was too close to some cobras)
Being cold.
January and February
New Years Eve
Needy people (I really maybe should question my career choice here?)
Not having any clean clothes.
Being late.
People who think they know me and proceed to tell me what's best for me.
Waking up seconds before the alarm goes off and thinking you have time left to sleep but then realise you don't.
Being too tired.
Being challenged.
Being told I can't do something when I know I can.
Being held back.
Being oppressed. particular the broad ones in my area. It sounds's worse than Sarf Landen accents. As awful as it sounds on dating websites if a guy is from the north of the county I won't bother.

Well, that wasted some time.


Thursday, 17 March 2011


I hate how this is making me feel. How can I prove I am ok to be working with people when I am questioning myself now?

I am having such strong thoughts all because of this bloody stuff that is going off at the moment. I am not eating as I can control that. I know, in a way I got what I wished for. Only the other day I was blogging about how I wished I could control it and just not eat. Well something happened and now I am. Why do I deal with it like this? Why, in being told by someone that she thinks I am too vulnerable to work with vulnerable people and that it could be a risk to them and me do I now feel worse than I have done yet. Why is the film of my death going round on loop? Different methods I will try.

I feel sick. I want to do my normal thing and run away. But I know in doing so it could make it worse. I think about discharging myself from services, if you can do that? Shall I just call them up and say I don't want the support any more and deal with it on my own. I know I need to deal with it though. I know that I want to be a social worker. I want to do the course. In discharging myself what am I achieving. I know I would never be able to get medical treatment for any self harm. So would that mean I stop? Would it mean I wouldn't? Would it mean I get so pissed one night and not care what the long term consequences are. Discharging myself seems so appealing. But would I then be able to continue anyway? Short term maybe. What about the long term? Would they even let me discharge or would they then force me in to hospital?

I am so close to losing everything.

This is making me want to just push everyone away. It has silenced me. There is no way I can ever bring myself to be honest again.

I did speak to my brother about it last night. I mentioned to him before that I had seen a Pdoc and counsellor. I have not mentioned the issues but I have mentioned it to him about it. He doesn't know the extent of self harm or any attempts or anything but he knows there are issues I am dealing with. I told him what Sam had said about me being in a vulnerable position and doesn't think it best I work. He agreed. I explained to him I could see where she was coming from and him but I didn't agree. I don't know why I think myself different. I know I would be doing the same thing in Sam's position.

When we talked about confidentiality etc I always thought along the lines of if I disclosed anything like I was taking money off someone, or taking advantage of someone. I never thought this. In their eyes all they need to see is the potential to cause harm. That causing harm could be my illness (or what ever it is. I know it's not just depression, I know it's not PD but I don't know what it is) meaning that I don't do my job properly. But I have already shown that I can. But they will bring it down to conduct wont they? You know that as a social worker you are supposed to conduct your self in a particular way at all times. Not just when at work. I haven't exactly been doing that have I? Fuck!

If I had a Social Worker and they were doing what I have done how would I feel? Honestly...if they could do their job and help me it wouldn't bother me. I would worry that in helping me would it trigger them and make them worse. But if it wasn't and they were doing their job properly with no ill consequences to themselves then I don't think it would bother me.

What the fuck am I going to do? I really don't know. I know what I want and what I am going to fight for as I see it to be the best thing. But is my illness (or whatever it is) clouding my judgement? Am I incapable of making the right decision on this? I have worked with many people who I would say are incapable of making decisions that would benefit them. I don't see myself like that. I don't see myself as being ill and these people that I have worked with are. But then aren't the people who are mad and need input the ones who don't think they need it?

I know what I plan on doing should things not go my way on this. Should things get worse. I know that in having those plans is not conductive to being a good social worker. I know in having those I need to address things. But, at the same time, it's not just what the course is doing for me. It's what I am already doing. I am making a difference to people's lives. I am doing well. People are happy with what I am doing. I am happy with what I am doing. I may not be happy, but I am happy with what I am doing. Why stop that? If I am closely monitored and I say I will engage with services etc then what's the problem?

Am I being naive and kidding myself. Is my mind that distorted that I am going totally crazy and being delusional. I even contemplated saying I made all of it up and I liked the attention which was why I said all those things. But the sad thing is I wasn't!!!!!

Not Going To Go Without A Fight.

So what have I decided. The title says it all.

I know I am no risk. I know as soon as I felt how I was feeling affected my work I would take a step back. It's not now and I can't see it being.

When I go to work I am a different person. I leave all my issues at the door and don't pick them up until I go home. I have even said weekends are the hardest as I have too much free time.

I can see Sam's point. And put in her position it would concern me also. But what she doesn't know is that I don't let it affect work. I can let them know how important doing the course is etc but I don't see how that would change their mind as I am working with potentially vulnerable people. I don't want to keep saying how important it is for me to be doing it as of my own mental health as that will make them think I am doing it and there are costs involved. What I need to make them see is that I don't take any of my issues in with me. That the way I am won't affect the people that I work with. I know they mentioned that bit about me in there but I think that was just to soften the blow a little. And probably they were hoping that I wouldn't see the negatives in it all by thinking all they are concerned about is the people I work with.

I am not concerned about what the placement and course is doing to me. It makes me happy. What I am concerned about is, if I have to stop! As well as me knowing that I am fine doing it, I know if I am not doing it I wont be fine. How many times have I said that it is the one positive thing in my life which is going in the way I want it to? How many times have I said if people were to know then there would be a greater loss of control. I can't tell them this though can I? I can't tell them this as it looks as though I am threatening them with "if you do this, then I will no longer be held responsible for my own actions". I need to show them that I am stable enough, without my only argument being that I don't want people knowing and I know that the course is keeping me alive! Me telling them this makes me not look ok, and that they are probably right. I need to keep away from this argument.

So, what am I going to do?


First off I am telling Sam to hold off intervening as I want to be the one who speaks to uni. Before I speak to uni though I want to get the support of my GP and Psychiatrist on board. As much as I like Sam, I feel the support of 2 doctors against a nurse would probably be more beneficial to me. I am then going to go to uni and speak to the course leader. I am going to say that I have had issues with depression and self harm. That I currently see a counsellor and they are raising concerns about my work, the effect it has on me and possibly on clients. I will mention that I have disclosed to her that thing I don't talk about and never have done and it has been a hard few months. But. I am dealing with it. I am doing the right thing in getting help.

I will then say that although the counsellors have raised concerns and don't think I should be working, I am more than capable and have the back up of my GP (at which point I will have a fit note) and the psychiatrist. I will explain how they want me to take a couple of months break but I don't agree and that I don't want it forced on me by the NHS as would affect future career etc.

I will say one of my worries is not being able to finish the placement which I love doing, and falling behind my friends etc. Or the possibility of not being able to finish the year etc. I will tell her I have had cycles in the past but now the route cause is coming out and it has been harder but I have been proactive in all of this. I will tell her how if at any point I doubt my own ability I wont keep it covered up. I will let it be known. I will also tell her how few people know about the difficulties I have had and that I keep it very private.

How does all that sound. Does it sound like someone who is rational, or does it sound more like an irrational person who is trying her best to keep it all covered up?

I am so scared though. This whole situation is provoking more thoughts within me. I feel as though I have lost control of it. I am petrified. I have not eaten since yesterday lunch time. Partly because I am not hungry, but partly that control thing. I know I am not exactly showing stable behaviour here by my reaction to it all. I worry the feelings I am having are maybe a sign that I shouldn't be there. It is making me question myself and question how bad I really am. It is really making me question my own capabilities. Gom did this to me when we broke up. It sends me in to kind of a bit of a manic phase. I can't relax, I stop eating, my thoughts are going at a million miles an hour.

If I get my way with this, how am I going to be able to trust Sam again. I have too much to lose by telling the truth. Do I find a different counsellor and try and build a relationship with them. I don't fault Sam for talking to her directors about this. Because, the professional in me sees what she has done. But I don't see how I can continue to work with her if I get my way with this one. I feel shot down. I have never been as honest with anyone as I have with her. I have never been open with my feelings like this. Part of me thinks, she had to do it. If I wasn't capable and anything happened with one of my clients and she hadn't made her concerns know she would be in the shit big time. But then the other part of me feels now I know why I don't share emotions and feelings. I do rationalise with myself but even when you do that it doesn't stop you feeling how you feel does it? It's like if someone hurts your feelings accidentally and you know it was an accident, it still hurts doesn't it? Then I feel bad for feeling these feelings as because I know there is no vindictiveness or malice behind it.

I feel as though that in seeking help and trying to deal with the things I have made things worse.

It's just reinforced my issues of trust. How can I be honest with people when it has such negative consequences. There was no way I could then tell her about the other stuff. I know I am bad at the moment. But, the course is what is keeping me going. It makes me happy. It gives me control and I keep it separate from me. It's the other person inside me. I can understand what they are saying...if I was a risk to other people. I'm not. I am doing really well on it. I am a positive thing in the peoples lives that I am working with. I don't let my own issues come in to it at all.

Sam was/is supposed to call me this evening. I emailed her last night about my plan. I didn't say why, but I said I would tell uni and let them have the decision about me taking time off. I want the decision to be mine. I feel that I can cope with it. I know I am doing well in what I am doing now. I need to have some security with it now though. I don't want them finding out what is going on at placement. There are only 5 in the team. I know me having issues wouldn't be a problem, after all they have ex service users providing support to vulnerable people. I know it sounds big headed but I feel I am in a much better position to make judgement about my own practice than one of the volunteers I know who uses drugs frequently, went a bit mad and off on one. Not all that long ago!

No one is without their issues, and they can leave them at the door. So do I. It may be draining but I can do it. I don't let it interfere with my work as I know I have so much riding on it.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Shit, Bollocks, Fuck!!!!!

I feel as though I have been cornered.
Basically I went to counsellor today and she said she wanted to talk to me about something.
She has spoken to her directors about me and what I do and they feel that I am too vulnerable to be working/studying what I am doing at the moment. I can't tell them to stick it as it will put me in a worse position. Basically because I am training to be a social worker they feel I am too vulnerable to be working with people in that position at the moment. So I have a choice. Either I take a break from studies for a while or they will intervene by going to NHS and reporting me. If they do that then it could screw everything up career wise in the future. If I take a break then it could still screw it all up. I have never mentioned anything to uni about my problems. They could quite easily and turn round to me and say, you never told us and because of that we don't think you should be on the course at all.

The course and the placement I love. They do make me happy. I am happiest when I am supporting other people and feel as though I have purpose and direction in my life.It wouldn't just be a matter of taking a few weeks off as of placements etc. I would either not be able to continue with the course at all, or I would have to wait another year before I could do anything.

I am screwed either way. I have asked Sam if there is anyway I can approach uni, tell them the position I am in that I see a counsellor, I suffer with depression and that the issues that have been raised in counselling are a bit tough for me as I have never discussed them. Explain to them that I am capable of doing the job, and doing it well. As I have been. And that I want to continue with it all etc. And then see where they stand. I have to wait for Sam to get back to me.

I feel as though that in seeking help and trying to deal with the things I have made things worse.

I have kept this short as I wanted peoples comments on it. I will write more on it tomorrow.

Edit - Here is the email I recieved from management of the counselling company...

Dear GP aka Mental 101,

As you are aware, we are supporting Sam with her concerns over your working with vulnerable people. Charity have a duty of care to intervene if we feel that someone's mental health is placing either them, or others, at risk. As you have been self harming in such a severe and unpredictable manner that would leave you physically and psychologically impaired, and are still working with vulnerable people, we feel strongly that this is an area of risk - for you and for them.

We urge you to consider a fair and responsible decision about your work, and take the time out from this situation to ensure that you are safe and well enough in the future to undertake such work.

We hope that you will give this serious consideration; we are here to support you, however, it is essential that we uphold our duty of care and in your current profession/training we are sure you will appreciate this matter with integrity.

Best Wishes,

The Directors.

Monday, 14 March 2011

Titles A Waste Of Time.

Not blogged properly in a few days. I suppose because I have not had an awful lot to blog about. I was hoping I would be able to blog about my placement but because what I do is quite specialised I wouldn't be able to say much without giving away who I am and possibly putting my clients at risk.

I've not been that good over the past couple of weeks. I have found new ways in which I am self harming and also attempting suicide.

Last weekend I started swallowing stuff. I say that like it's been an ongoing thing but it hasn't. I would say it's something new. But it's not. A few years ago I did it a few times. Weird things. Like pen tops, paperclips, anything metal. I went to hospital about it once as I did regret straightening out the paperclip and swallowing it. I had x-rays done and that was it. Was told to go back if had any pain. I didn't so I didn't go back. I also had this weird thing of not wanting to actually admit to what I had done so spoke in code or said I couldn't remember when asked about it. I do it a lot now. Sometimes I can't remember but when I am ashamed or embarrassed about what I have done, say for example inserted something in my leg when I have cut it, or taken an od the day before, I don't say anything about it. I will lead them to it somehow but wont actually tell them. I don't know why this is. Sometimes it is a case of I don't remember. And then I have to say something as if I can't lead them to it and I don't remember, well, it could get me in to trouble. So I have to say, I can't remember but I have done such and such in the past. It makes me feel so stupid.

Anyway. Last weekend. Friday night I swallowed some metal. You know on a can (coke can) when you pull the ring pull the bit that goes inside. Well there is like an edging on that and I pulled it off and straightened it out and swallowed it. On Saturday I just decided to swallow a hypodermic needle.

When I have worked on Psychiatric wards in the past the methods that people succeeded in that I knew of were of them swallowing something. OK it was a pen they swallowed. There is no way I could do that. I have a terrible gag reflex (which coincidentally makes me crap at deep throating....sorry had to throw that in there and lower the tone. Lol).

I know of one patient who died from doing this and another who very nearly died and would have done had she not told anyone. I actually raised massive concerns over this particular member of staff which was supposed to be supervising as the patient was not allowed pen access and she was sat there reading a news paper while in a room with high risk patients who were all supervised with pens. She didn't notice this patient who I will name Jane leave the room with the pen. I know it sounds really over the top but these patients knew every trick in the book. I'll write more about Jane and the member of staff who I will name Eileen later.

So having this knowledge and speaking in great details to the surgeons that operated on Jane I hoped that in swallowing it, it would perforate somewhere and, either, cause internal bleeding or, cause massive infections. Well it's been a week and nothing. The thing is I am not sure if it has passed through. If I thought it had I would swallow another one. But what worries me is if it didn't do what I wanted it to do and it caused unbearable pain and they found it, with it just being one I could plead ignorance. With more than one I will be asked questions and possibly sectioned. From what Nurseman Mike was saying last time he said it wont be long before I am as it's all getting out of control.

My other method of trying to top myself is by trying to cause air bubbles in my blood. How have I been doing this? When I blood let, when I have found a vein I have been blowing as hard as possible in to the end of the needle. On Saturday I thought I had finally mastered it as I went all dizzy and it hurt when I breathed. But no, I woke up again on Sunday morning. The only tell tale sign was that my hand and arm had swelled up to unusual proportions and crackled when you pressed on them. I know I have to be careful with this blood letting thing as I look like a junkie. I went to visit one guy today who was an IV drug user (crack and heroin in case you are interested) and I looked at his hands and wrists and they looked like mine. Scary. So maybe only forearms and elbows from now on.

I am so bloody angry at the moment. I can't stand being around my Dad and he just keeps irritating me and winding me up. He started on Saturday and he thinks it's funny to do it to me. So, back to my room it is where I can keep out the way of anyone. I don't have to be sociable or put on airs and graces when I am in my room. I just don't want to be around him at the moment as every thing he does he really annoying me.

 Like today he got back from work and had a go at me as I hadn't put the oven on to heat up his dinner. I said that I wasn't having any and I shouldn't have to always consider his every whim and need and run around after him. Actually I didn't say that. I started off shouting down stairs hello in a nice polite way as it's just easier rather than not saying anything. It's easier to pretend than have the "what's your pissing problem, you are always in a bloody mood, cheer up and don't get so stressed, you are a miserable cow" rant. Which doesn't go down well and usually makes me want to cry or shout at him to piss off and then I will usually slam a door and get really angry which usually results in me crying as I only really cry when I am angry. Anyway, I said hi all nice and polite and the response was "UH! Didn't anyone think to put the bloody oven on". To which I responded I am not eating that as I don't like bollognase and it only takes a few minutes to heat up. I then calmly closed my bedroom door and muttered curses under my breath and ignored him. Yay for me! Not rising to it!

It sounds awful and I feel so bad for saying it out loud, ok not out loud but articulating it that even the sight of him drives me mad at the moment. Why does everyone have to run around after him. It really pisses me off. Like if my mum is in late meetings and I have a late one at work I can come home and he will be sat there in one room the rest of the house will be cold and dark. He will have been in since about 3 ish and I will get back at 7 and he will ask me what is for dinner. The dog will have not been out and he expects me to run around after him. So I take the dog out and usually if it is the case where my mum has not left anything he will never think to do something him self. Why should my mum have to run around after him all the time. And there is no way he will have say spaghetti and egg on toast as a one off for dinner. NO, it needs to be a proper cooked dinner with veg etc. If it was just my mum and me we would have things like stir frys, baked potato, easy quick meals. Occasionally we'd have a proper dinner but we are both happy with easy simple things and because he isn't she has to do the running around after him.

Ok rant about that over.

On SF I spoke to a couple of people about what I have been doing and one person on there has said I need to talk to Sam about it. I know she would probably have to break confidentiality if I did. They can if there is a serious risk of harm to you or another and that would constitute it really. I have said I hope it does harm me so that side of me doesn't want to tell anyone. Then the other side of me that worries about placement doesn't want to have to miss placement because of something that may happen.Do you get what I mean. I don't want to have to hold on placement because I have to go in to hospital for the metal in me. Have to explain what it's all about. As far as my parents are aware I have had 3 hospital admissions in the last 9 months. As far as my brother is aware it's 4. Only one of these has been genuine. Ok that was due to reckless behaviour of getting a motorbike in Asia and falling off and not looking after the wound properly. But was a pretty genuine reason to be in. The others have been due to self harm. They know one of them was and they think the other is related to a UTI and the extra one my brother knows about is due to a heart arrhythmia. But it was because I self harmed, took an od and then had my clothes cut off me. I had to ring my brother tell him I went in as my heart was going far too fast. I took my clothes off for an ECG and then I put them under the trolley. I said I was then moved around and lost track of my clothes.

I am so sick of the lies and it's getting hard to keep up with them.

 I want to die. I don't want to live. But, I don't know how long I will be around for. So I may as well try and get somewhere in my life with the course in the mean time. I want to do well on it. Yes, running away seems to appealing. I know that I haven't got the balls to do it though. I haven't got balls for anything as I am not a bloke, but you get what I mean right?

If I was going to attempt in such an obvious suicide way I would need to make sure it worked. Couldn't have the not working and then have people know I tried. With the air on the blood thing I doubt it would be classed as suicide but perhaps a self harm episode that went too far and accidental as the air thing wasn't intented. Yet I write about things like this on here and I know if I was to go in slightly suspicious circumstances then the first thing that would be looked at would be my laptop. They would then probably also find tracks to SF. So I suppose would I need to delete everything. But then, I would be dead. I would be gone. I wouldn't care. I know I am getting worse as I am not actually too concerned about people knowing it was suicide. I am bothered about it failing and people knowing it was a suicide attempt but if it worked. Then I suppose that's a whole different matter. I just need to be sure what ever I did worked. And for me is the least painful and doesn't take as much courage as say jumping in front of a train or off a bridge.

I am thinking about coming off the Mirtazapine. I can't stop eating. I want to blame it on that as I know what it has done to me in the past. But I am putting on weight. I am not a thin girl anyway. I have been unhappy with my weight since I was about 12. I am currently a size 18-20 (US I think 14-16) I am 5'8 and I go in and out in the right places and it's evenly proportioned. But I want to be a size 12 (uk). Actually I would be happy with a 14. When I was travelling and when I came back I lost about 1.5 stone in a few weeks as of being ill. But now I can't stop eating. I am craving junk and sweet stuff all the bloody time. It's making me really miserable. I know I need to take the metformin better as it does help a little bit with the cravings. But on top of all my other issues I have this to contend with also. I often think if I were thin would I still have the same problems. Or would they still be there. Or is it having done through over half my life being overweight has that contributed to how I am think about things now.

I have never actually talked about my weight in therapy as it is something I am really embarrassed about. I know when I am feeling bad I crave more crap and I comfort eat. And then I feel worse for that so I eat even more. I read blogs such as Bippidee's  who has an ED and wish I was her size. I find it really hard to understand ED's. Mainly as I always compare myself to them and think that "you think you are fat....err HELLLLLOOOOOO, standing in front of you".  I think being too thin is much more socially accepted as being overweight. Say if I weighed 8 stone. At my height that would make me only just on the underweight side. If I got to what I wanted to weigh then I would still be outside the range of normal on the BMI. I read these blogs of people with ED's and it makes me feel worse. I wish I could purge after eating. I wish I could do all that, without the having to weigh myself 10 times a day. There are days where I can not eat at all. I have done it before where I haven't eaten as a control thing when I have been a bit manic you could when Gom broke up with me, it wasn't the relationship grief it was me wanting to have some control in my life. I have also done it before back when I was OD'ing every week. I felt I couldn't control the SH and the suicidal thoughts but I could control that. It was only nearly blacking out while driving and nearly causing an accident that I thought that I could injure or kill someone other than myself and that I couldn't take that risk. So why can't I have that now. Do I need to be manic to have that control? It is generally when I more hyper and unorganised. When I can't concentrate on anything and it lasts a few days. Why can't I have the same self control as a lot of other people do when it comes to food. Why do I crave the crap? I am going to try and ensure I keep on top of taking the metformin this week see if that reduces it. I have appointment with Dr T in 2 weeks. If it continues I'll tell him I want him to prescribe me something else. Something that will knock me out at night but not have same effect on my appetite. If he doesn't I'll just stop taking them anyway. So I will give it 2 weeks and see how things go.

Speaking of Dr T. I had a phone call today from my GP surgery saying they had had a letter from him and they wanted me to go in for blood tests as Dr T was concerned I was anaemic. My first thought was I will go a bit OTT on the iron tablets so I have high iron levels in my blood...that will confuse them? Why did I think that? But no, I am going to continue the way I am with letting as and when I need to.

I wonder if that means the GP surgery have only received a letter from him today if it also means that crisis team have only just had one. He was going to get them to contact me. I don't want to call them. Also the more I read peoples blogs about crisis teams it def puts me off calling them. No way can I be honest and say I have suicidal thoughts almost constantly if they are going to send the police round to make sure I am ok and drag me to hospital or if they will make me go down to the ED. I can't have them coming here as I live with my parents and they don't know anything. So calling them isn't really an option. I hope that with me being on their books still that it is stopping someone who really will make use of them and would be better for them to be on rather than me.

That's all I can be bothered to write about today. Next time I will write about my job in a medium secure forensic female PD ward. If you read this and you think you have problems...wait til you hear some of my stories. Hopefully I can keep it a bit more light hearted than this on.

I appreciate any comments made so if you have read this far please feel free to comment and tell me how mad I am.


Sunday, 13 March 2011


More distractions but also interesting. I was curious as to what Dr Internet would say I was completely honest on all the answers also...

Personality Disorder Test

Paranoid Disorder:Low
Schizoid Disorder:Low
Schizotypal Disorder:Low
Antisocial Disorder:Low
Borderline Disorder:Low
Histrionic Disorder:Moderate
Narcissistic Disorder:Low
Avoidant Disorder:Low
Dependent Disorder:Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:Low

-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --
-- Personality Disorders --
 The Depression Test.

DisorderYour Score
Major Depression:Very High
Bipolar Disorder:High
Seasonal Affective Disorder:Very High
Postpartum Depression:N/A
Take the Depression Test

I know I shouldn't pay too much attention to Dr Internet but it has basically confirmed what I thought.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Distraction Time!

KPN Thailand.

I went with Raq to Ko Phan Gnan in Thailand as we wanted to check out the full moon party. I had heard so many things about the FMP that thought it would be a good idea to check it out. So we got to KPN at about 9pm at night. Because it was the FMP period we pre booked our hotel. It was lovely. It had an infinity pool looking out over the sea and we had air conditioning. Yay! The first day we were there we decided to have  a pool day and chill out. I had not been anywhere with a pool yet on the trip so I quite fancied a day chilling and reading in the sun. My way of sun bathing is to do it in the water. I had been mega careful about my back and shoulders and was so paranoid about them being burnt that I always wore a t-shirt. Even in the pool. I remember being in India and getting my shoulders burnt and carrying a back pack was awful.

So I sat in the childrens bit of the pool for the whole day reading. We were quite lucky most the time there were very few people around and so we had to the pool to ourselves. It was lush. At about 6ish Raq went up to the room and I was not that long behind her. When I got back to the room she was lying like a star fish on the bed. A star fish that resembled a mozzie ridden lobster. The night before she had been brutally attacked. We counted 48 bites just on her legs. Me...0! Ha! For some reason I just don't get bitten. It was then I realised my legs were also rather burnt. That night we were both feeling rather fragile from too much sun. Raq is a red-head so has very very fair skin. Between us we pretty much had a whole burnt body. Her arms, my legs and her mozzie bites. We took it in turns putting a wet towel in the fridge and having a wet cold towel draped over us. Great tip...if you are badly sunburnt wet a towel and put it in the fridge. It feels amazing!

The next day was the night of the FMP. We decided rather than going on a boat trip that we had planned it would be sensible for us to stay out of the sun. So we had a DVD day in the room. Lush.

FMP. We got our hotel to take us to the FMP in their kind of taxi, kind of pick up truck. Thai style! Bumpy roads, and a lot of people crammed in. A scary experience. Up and down hills, round corners in the middle of the road praying nothing is coming towards you. You can see a steep drop into nothing at the side of you and you are just hoping that you don't go over as you'll probably never be found, and you'll have to live with the snakes and lizards and possibly eat each other!

The atmosphere at the FMP was great. We did get there quite early in terms of partying but there were people at it. The music wasn't really my scene at all but the atmosphere was brilliant. It was just like being at a festival but with fire performers, and fire skipping ropes. We got a couple of buckets in and sat and had those and just watched the world go by. Raq decided she was going to have her tarot read. I took photos while she was having it done and watched. She said it was just the same as what people had told her in the past so it was either true or they all tell you the same thing. So I decided to have mine done. MISTAKE!

She kept saying how unhappy I was. OK I am but I wasn't showing signs at the time. She said I will marry and have kids but I will still be unhappy. I will divorce and meet someone much younger than me. But even with a toy boy I will still not be happy! So you can imagine that put me in a good mood. As the night drew on the atmosphere changed. It became a bit more tense like. People were just off their heads on pills or what ever. People were laughing at them but they could have been injured. There were people being pulled out of the sea unconcious as they had decided in their drunken, drugged up state to go for a swim. It was kinda freaky and kinda sinister.

We decided to go find a 7/11 and get some water. We walked through the back streets and there was this really good reggae band that had just set up outside their tattoo shop. We must have been there ages. Raq started to feel really ill and went off to be sick. She is a very sicky person. We weren't drunk at all. I think the amalgamation of previous days drinking, the heat, our sunburn and dodgy water just got to her. So off she went to be sick up the side street. Come 4.20am we decided to call it a night. So we just had to hunt for transport back to the hotel. On the other side of the island. It was a nightmare getting back.

We were rammed in to one of the pick up truck taxi's and it was scary. We were literally holding on for our life's. And then all of a sudden he stopped in the middle of no where and said we wait here. After an hour and watching the sun come up from a piece of waste land in the middle of no where and many people jumping between taxi's we were on our way again. It was really frustrating as my idea was when I was in party party mood to watch the sun come up and go with our hotel's bus back to the hotel. As it happened because we were sat on the waste land for so long we ended up getting back to the hotel at the same time as the hotel's own transport and we watched the sun come up from a piece of waste land.

All in all I was disappointed with the FMP. Maybe I am getting too old for it all. I don't like that kind of music anyway. But I think it was the sinister side of it which put me off. I am glad I did it though. I have been there and brought the wrist band!

Monday, 7 March 2011

I Keep On Doing It. WHY?

I don't know why I keep on self harming. I keep on doing things that could possibly leave me in a worse position than I am now. Just recently the new thing is swallowing things. Last night I swallowed a hypodermic needle. I hope that it will cause internal damage and that will get me. The thing is it's not one of my chosen methods to die. It hardly looks like an accident does it? So why am I getting so desperate that I will do that.

Why have I taken to blowing in to the needle when I blood let. I know how dangerous it is. Air bubbles in the vein can actually kill me. I suppose if I was to do it that way it would be hard to find cause of death as it's not very common. It would just be down as MI or something.

I feel today remorse at my actions from my self harm last night. I let the short term outweigh the long term. I now have stomach pains so think it is caught down there somewhere. I was sort of hoping it would do the damage and pass through me but I doubt that is the way in which it would work. I feel as though things are spiralling now. I am quite concerned about this as it is making me more impulsive. This means I am losing that control I have. I am starting to lose the fight. I am worried.

I don't know what I can do now.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Medical, Disease or Behavioural.

I had a days training today on alcohol. I was sort of hoping some would be involved. I was disappointed! I had driven anyway.
So. We spent a lot of time on something that I have actually been thinking a lot recently. I think I have blogged about it, if not I talked about it on SF. About me. I want medicating. If I can be medicated, it is medical, it can be fixed and it is easy. Bish Bash's some medication, you'll feel better in a few weeks. I want medication. I want to try 2 antidepressants at the same time.

This is obviously the medical approach to my not so sane-y-ness. I don't know what to call it. I feel it's more than depression as I am having delusional thoughts. Issues? But then issues doesn't quite fit in with my approach really does it? If you look at it with alcohol you are focusing on the physical conditions. With me...what I think to be hormone in balance, genetics (but then I have arguments against this also especially if you take in to account Broffenbremmer's work on this) as there have been a lot of people who have had mental health problems... my grand dad was sectioned...this was just after the 2nd world war and it was because he tried to kill himself. He suffered a lot with PTSD.

My Dad certainly has issues. I don't know what. But there is def some issues going on there. My aunty has issues also. This is just on my Dad's side (pretty screwed up family really...there's a whole story around that but I wont go in to it). But on my mums side my Nan had problems with depression. Never when I knew her. I say that though my mum said after my Grand dad died (I was only 1 so I don't remember him or what it was like when he was alive) my Nan was never the same. My mum said she became withdrawn. I loved her for who she was. I wished I had known the party animal side to her that I have heard of but I knew her and I adored her for who she was. Anyway, she also had problems with depression. This was before my Grand dad died.

Genetics also is taken in to account in the disease side. The disease approach says it is an addiction. This was told about the alcohol but self harm can be an addiction also can't it. I have been told my way in which I self harm can show that there is an addiction to it.

If both these approaches are taken with it and with myself it is an ideal of how I like to view it, then I suppose it takes ownership away from me. And to be honest that is how I want it. If it is disease or medical then there is nothing I can do about it. There is nothing I could have done to change the outcome. It was out of my control. I had no choice.

And then we have behavioural. This is where I am split. Here I am going to do my worst patient thing again, remove myself, and look at it from a professional capacity and not listen to professional advice.

So. Treatment. With both alcohol, drugs, self harm, what ever you want, I believe a behavioural approach needs to be taken when it comes to treatment. So you have an alcoholic, a drug addict, a self harmer; in the beginning there was some element of choice. That person chose to have a drink, they chose to go to the shop and buy that alcohol with the intention of getting pissed. I am not saying they chose to get addicted but initially they had some behavioural patterns that were through choice.

With the drug addict, that person made a choice somewhere down the line. Now people may have a go at me here. I understand that this is an area that people will not always agree on. My own head hurts because of it and thinking about it all day. I believe though somewhere along the way if the person had chosen differently then they could possibly have avoided the situation they are in now. Perhaps taking the drugs was the easy option because so much shit was going on it blocks it out. Perhaps a choice they made is that they don't want to deal with reality so they would prefer to be high on drugs. Who knows?

Self harm. There was a choice. Speak to someone about it. Speak to someone about how you feel and open up. Or self harm. It's a mislearnt coping mechanism. It is a behaviour you have learnt.
BUT... it goes past that part where you made those choices doesn't it?

So in treatment, medicating is all well and good but the underlying issue is not being treated. So while medication may be a quick fix. Is it not better to spend the money initially to save money in the future. If we just think about alcoholism (as it is what I have been doing about today), there is something that has gone on in that persons life that has made them turn to drink as a coping mechanism. They may not be aware of it, but something has occurred and they have taken to drinking in excess. So what is better to do? The medical and disease one says medicate them until they don't drink anymore. Fair enough. A quick fix. They now are drink free and the medical problems that occurred as of excess alcohol can be treated or made as though they don't have such a negative effect on this person's life. But how long does this last for? How long before you have this person drinking again. They have learnt that maladaptive coping mechanism. So how long before they have another drink again? This person is more than likely to start drinking again because the underlying issue wasn't addressed. I believe you need to combine all approaches and use a holistic one to get the best benefits.

Nurseman Mike is obviously of the behavioural camp. He keeps saying to me you made a choice, you decide what you want to do. You have the power of those decisions. Honestly, I don't think I do anymore. Maybe at first it was learnt behaviours. When I was feeling bad and I self harmed I got a release. I felt better. I learnt that by acting out the behaviour of cutting, drinking shit loads, and all my self harm behaviours I got release. I use it as a coping mechanism. So I suppose it's all well and good pumping me full of drugs but really am I going to get better unless I look more at the behavioural side. Learn new coping mechanisms, learn to talk to people so I don't keep everything to my self. But, is there a genetic/medical thing in me which meant that I was having distorted thoughts which led to the self harm.

It's what came first...the chicken or the egg.

Yet knowing all this. I knew it before today and it was weird that we went in to a lot of detail about it when it's been going through my mind a lot anyway. I still want to take the medical approach with me. I want it to be out of my control. It's more acceptable in a way isn't it? If someone has for example broken leg. It's treated medically. It was an accident and there was nothing they could have done about it. Yet with mental health, and my mental health I am ashamed by it. I won't admit to it. I won't talk to anyone about it.

I know this has been a bit of a boring blog. But it's stuff that has been going through my mind a lot and I wanted to talk about how it has been bothering me as i don't get to talk to anyone about it.

If anyone has read this far I would love to hear your comments on this...