Thursday, 28 November 2013

Where Things Are

I did have quite a long post prepared that I had made notes for about the last psychology session and where things are with R. But, it didn't really make much sense.

I just wanted to say that I am ok, still having thoughts and sometimes they are very intense. But, I have not acted on any. I can't cut as R would know then that it is something I have been doing again. I had to talk to him last night about drawing attention to my scars. Sometimes he kisses them quite a lot when we are in the bedroom and I really don't like it. He tries to make me feel better about myself, but he goes over board and he makes me feel uncomfortable.

I have lost quite a bit of weight recently, but I still want to lose about another 2 stone. I have made comments about this and about trying to eat well and exercise. Last night when we were in bed he keeps grabbing my stomach saying how much it turns him on. I hate it. Makes me feel so self conscious and it's horrible. It creeps me out a little if I'm honest. He just kept going on and on about how much he likes my body and that I shouldn't change it. And kept trying to get me to tell him how much I loved it. It was all a bit weird.

I think he's a fat lover. I've seen pictures of his exs on Facebook and they are all over weight. This makes me uncomfortable. More so than my ex not finding me attractive as I put on too much weight. I see that as acceptable. But, I don't understand why people would be attracted to me if I am 5 stone over weight. Surly, confidence is attractive and if a girl isn't confident about her own body, then that is unattractive.

I'll see where things go with this. I am not sure I like it. But, other than that, there are a few issues. But, I will try and put those to the back of my mind as I need to keep an open mind. Other than that things are ok.

Friday, 15 November 2013

Not Sure What To Do.

I think I could have fucked up.

There is this guy who I have kind of known for the last few weeks. I have seen him pretty much every day. I know him from going to the gym. I was attracted to him and we spoke more and more each time and I grew to like him.

This week, we decided to not go to our usual class and we went to the pub instead. To quickly cut to the end we ended up in bed together, him staying over and also again the next night. But, I regret doing it and I am now worried what it will do to him. I was very drunk on the first night. And there was a lot of flirting, then all of a sudden things moved pretty fast. I was honest with him and told him that I have been in hospital and the scars are from self harm, that I was taking medication but things were more stable than they ever had been. And I suppose, I saw that he was ok with that and used that to my advantage and just went with it. I suppose when I haven't slept with anyone in over 3 years, and a lot of that was because I was worried about the scaring, I needed that acceptance from some one, I needed to get over my fear. And I saw that as an opportunity to do that. And at that moment in time I did like him. And, it was brilliant. So much so I messaged him the next day seeing if he wanted to come over later that night for a repeat performance. He did come over and stayed over and we slept together again.

Initially I was very attracted to him. I suppose as the night wore on before we even came back to mine, the warning bells sounded, but I ignored them. Then as I consumed more alcohol, they weren't even ringing. The next morning there was some regret at what I had done, but, it was good so I thought I would see if he wanted to come over again. He did. He got on my nerves a bit most the night. Little things, but they were building up.

I am worried how intense he has got so quickly. He acts like we have been a couple months. He is overly comfortable. Little things like leaving the bathroom door open while he pees, he'll sit on the sofa and want me to snuggle in (which I don't mind and find quite nice), but he'll keep giving me affectionate kisses on the top of my head or smelling my hair. He also walks around naked. I find that really odd. Ok, I know we have slept together etc and I have seen all there is to see, but to walk around naked. I just find it odd. He has a daughter, who is about 3, but he has nothing to do with her and doesn't see her (it's bad enough him having a kid, but to not see her, that's even worse), he isn't working at the moment as he had to leave his job due to mental health problems (I know pot and kettle here, but I don't really want to take on someone else's mental health problems when my own are enough to deal with), and I think there are a few things going on in his life that some times he has been over sensitive over. Or maybe I'm just not sensitive enough. He has cut off all contact with his family and actually changed his name (first and last) because he doesn't want anything to do with them. Perhaps I am jumping to the wrong conclusion, but there are 2 sides to every story. I feel that he could have jumped in a bit much and have gone over board. It's the impression I get from him.

I can't put my finger on anything exactly. But it's not right. I feel that he has become very intense over me. I feel like he sees me as being perfect and he puts me on this pedestal.

I know, I am an awful person. But usually, I would just avoid the person I didn't really want to see anymore. But, I really like the class at the gym I go to and it is not on anywhere else. It's really working for me in losing weight. I don't want to have to stop going, because if things didn't work out well between us, then it would be weird wouldn't it.

So that's a rough outline of that.

I saw G today for a psychology session. I told him a bit about what had been going on...minus the sleeping with him part. He said he wondered if I felt I needed to be in a relationship and because of that I hold on to the wrong person. I said that was a load of crap as I wouldn't end things with guys or tell them no even after they said they would like to see me again. He said yeah, fair point. We related it to my schemas and talked a bit about which ones had been activated. Laughed about my avoidance of everything. We also talked about general crap and then we moved on to the psychic party etc. And my Nan. Cue the tears. Well, becoming tearful and trying very hard to not start sobbing uncontrollably as I knew if I started it would be hard to stop. He asked me why I wouldn't let myself cry and part of it was because I look a right mess when I cry and didn't want to ruin my make-up, but there is the uncontrollable part and I hate the feeling as though I am losing control. I said I don't like to feel strong emotions about something as it opens me up to emotions about other things, I worry that once I start to feel emotions that these other will creep in and I will get carried away. I've only done the tearful thing in front of him one or two times before and they were quite a while ago. I don't like to cry in front of other people as I am worried it is seen as a loss of control. Even though he said it was ok, he wasn't judging, he didn't see it as a loss of control, I can't do it. I very rarely cry in front of people. It was a really full on session for me, very hard. I talked about things I had never talked about with anyone before. I said I had these images going through my head all the time about her last few days and how at the moment it was all feeling quite fresh and recent. Not 14 years ago. He said I was putting too much of a time line on it, that there was no time line on grief. That also, perhaps, I shut myself off from it all those years ago and am possibly now feeling it.

He said one thing he had noticed when he first met me is that I was dis fragmented. That there were parts of me in different places and I didn't like them crossing over. He said that they are now coming together and that this is a painful process and although I may not like it, it is a necessary part of my recovery. Is it? He seems to think so. We over ran by quite a lot and he was mainly trying to get me to see that things weren't my fault or that I couldn't have changed anything. He said he was really happy with how I was doing that he didn't think I saw it but he did, that I had come a long way. There was still a long way to go, but I was getting there.

After the appointment I had to go to the Sexual Health clinic to get some emergency contraception. It was awful. I felt like a dirty little clueless whore. The woman I saw made me feel so horrible. She was questioning my consultant gynaecologists judgement about putting me on the pill for my PCOS and she called another doctor and between them wanted the over throw my consultant's method and put me on something else. I said I wasn't happy doing that as what she wanted to put me on, I know 3 people who have got pregnant while on that pill. I also didn't want to change anything without speaking to my consultant. So, I said I would speak to him about it. She wasn't happy at this at all. We were talking about sex and she asked if it was ever painful. So I said it was most the time. She said I should see my doctor and have a referral to some clinic. But, surprise surprise, it was probably related to my mental health. Every fucking thing is isn't it!!!!??? I was at the clinic around 40 minutes and it was awful. Really awful. Anyone seen that programme on BBC3 called Unsafe Sex In The City? There is people who have 2-3 one night stands a week unprotected. This is one guy in over 3 years.

Then to top my brilliant day off. As I was reversing out the car park. I reversed straight in to a wall that was protruding that I didn't see. Luckily not caused much damage, and I think it probably won't even be noticed. So don't need to go admitting that one to anyone.

So, now I have all these tears inside me that have built up. I don't want to start crying though. I won't stop. I am having a lot of thoughts of self harm tonight, but I am not going to give in.

There are people who have it a whole lot worse than me and they don't act like I do. So why should I?

Thursday, 7 November 2013

Not Sure What Is Going On.

I feel ok in myself. Well I think I do. I don't feel really down etc etc etc. I wouldn't go as far as saying I am happy. But I am pretty stable. So why the constant suicidal thoughts? Why are they there pretty much all the time going round and round, the same thoughts on a reel flashing in front of my eyes.

I don't get why they are there. Usually I get them when I feel low and I am struggling with urges of self harm and they have become so intense that they then merge in to suicidal thoughts as I don't want to deal with those anymore. So to have them when I am feeling ok, is a bit weird.

Maybe it's the admitting out loud that although I am feeling more stable at the moment I don't see a future and that at some point I will probably end up ending my life.

I am also not sure what I want to do with my life anymore. I am not sure I want to work in mental health. I am not sure I want to be a Social Worker anymore. But, this leaves me with nothing. I have no idea what else I could do. I have no idea what else I would want to do. I keep having this stupid day dream of becoming a photographer. Getting famous with fantastic landscape images. And where has this come from... a few positive remarks on the photos I have put on facebook that I edited with instagram. I can't believe I am having doubts about it all after it being something I wanted to do for so long, for it to be something I really fought so hard to get on to and to try and stay on.

And now this. I feel kind of lost. Perhaps that is why I am having these thoughts.

I have not voiced my new way of thinking to anyone. I think maybe I need to talk about it with G tomorrow.

Monday, 4 November 2013

Meeting With Psychologist and Appointment With CPN

I really didn't want to go to the psychologist appointment. I was close to cancelling. I was worried about it and I didn't want to go and feel shit about things after. But, it was actually OK. He asked how I was feeling and I said I was doing a lot better. He said he was quite relieved and made up I was doing better as he was really worried and concerned that I was just surrendering to everything and was giving up.

I can't really remember what we talked about. It was pretty none eventful. He told me I need to write down what it is like to be feeling better so I can read it when I feel bad to remind myself that things can be ok at times. So that is why there is a letter to myself as the last post. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't. But it's worth a shot isn't it?

The main thing this last week was the appointment with my CPN and what is happening there.

Basically I am losing her. And that terrifies me. I am being transferred over to another team at the team I am under at the moment is only a short term thing, and I have been with them coming up to 3 years. Basically, they won't allocate me another CPN/CCO while I have one at the moment. So she needs to discharge me from her service. I will still have G and Dr T. The plan is that I will continue to see G weekly and he will inform my new team if I need more support. Currently I am under Crisis Team and if I need more input I can call them and either speak to a duty worker who will get my CPN to call me, or if she is not there someone else, or just talk to her. I see my CPN every couple of weeks and if I need to I can call and speak to her or bring appointments forward. Now I will have to call this new team and speak to someone there, but there won't be one person who I can have as my person. So technically it could be a different person every time. If G or Dr T think I need more input they can also arrange for someone to come out and see me. Also, that if I need one, I will then be allocated a new CPN/CCO.

It took me ages to have any kind of relationship with her. I really didn't like her at first and it has only been the last few months that I have been able to build that relationship with her. It took so long. And now, I am going to lose that. And that worries me. I don't feel as though  I am in recovery, or that I am stable. I feel as though I am constantly walking a tightrope. The people around me; my team, are my safety net and I feel as though they are taking that away from me. I worry that if I fall, it could cause some real damage if the people aren't there. Also, knowing they are there gives me more confidence and I think I am less likely to have a fall. Does that sound mad?

I told her I wasn't happy with it, but I would go along with it all as I didn't really have much choice. She said she knew it wasn't ideal and that the ideal would be I would be transferred and given a new CPN/CCO. But it can't work like that as there is a waiting list and that people who already have a CPN/CCO would not be allocated a new one.

But, yeah. I am quite scared.

I don't know how we got on to it but I came out with some stuff I have not said to anyone before. I said that although at the moment, things are more stable. I still don't see a future and I still think I will be successful in killing myself. I see that as my ending. I don't know when it will be, and I am not saying it's going to be in the next few days, weeks or what ever. But I still think it will happen. I don't think I am strong enough. Although things are more stable and I do feel a bit better at the moment, there is still this underlying sadness and underlying feeling that I can't put my finger on that is really strong.

The CPN said that it is quite likely if I continue to self harm the way in which I do when I am feeling on a low. But, I needed to talk to G about these feelings. So I think that will be the topic of our next session at the end of this week.

But those feelings are quite strong at the moment and they are quite scary in themselves.

I went round to a friend's house for a housewarming party the other night. They didn't stop with the compliments. That made me feel good. They were saying I was unrecognisable now. Not just in the weight I have lost, but in myself. That I remind them of teenage me. And they loved it. They said that a few months ago they struggled to have a conversation with me as I was not with it. That I was like a zombie at times and it was obvious I was putting an act on.

So I suppose maybe I am heading towards recovery as it would seem as though even though I feel I am putting an act on, I'm not as when I know I am putting an act on, people can see right through it. People can see more in me now than they could do before. It would seem as though people can see through me. So, perhaps maybe I am getting better. Or I am getting better at fooling people. Because I feel like I am fooling myself.

Dear Kat, Read This When You Feel Bad....

Dear Kat,

It can be better to this. This letter to yourself is a reminder of that.

At the moment you are possibly self harming regularly and even have thoughts of suicide on your mind and are thinking of ways in which you can complete the task. But, it is not always like this and it can be better.

G, told you to write down something so that when you are on a low you can read something and hopefully it may help. It's worth trying isn't it?

So, at the moment things are ok for me. Yes, the thoughts are still there but, I am managing them.

Here are some tips of what you can do if you are not doing to well. It may seem like common sense, you may already be doing them, perhaps even feeling that they aren't doing anything to help you. But in the long run they do.

So, the first thing I would say is look at your sleep. Sleep is essential to you and when you are not getting enough or good enough quality then you struggle. I am not sure if the sleep is a sign you are not doing well or if the sleep then leads to you struggling. So, if you are not sleeping, don't just put up with it, go to your GP and get some sleeping tablets. I know you don't like taking them, but after a few nights decent sleep you do start to feel better and more able to manage how you are feeling. In the last episode you weren't sleeping, perhaps only getting a couple of hours a night. But, after going to the doctor and getting some sleeping pills and taking those for a few nights you did feel quite a bit better and more able to deal with the thoughts and feelings and not act on any of the urges you were having.

A second thing. Carry on seeing your friends and family. Don't isolate yourself. Most of your friends will be happy just for you to sit there and not really do a lot. But making sure you see them means it keeps those friendships strong and also they may be able to help you by making you feel better. You may miss out on things with them, and miss out on being able to do big things with them. Last time, you felt like isolating, but you did go over. And if you hadn't, you wouldn't have been going on a holiday of a life time with them.

The third thing. Stay active. Get fresh air and go for walks. Hammer it at the gym and spin classes. You do really enjoy them and the feeling you have after you have done it. It is also a good chance to lose yourself in music and focus on something else for a couple of hours. Also, it will help with the weight loss. You feel shit when you gain weight. So, keep up with the exercise and it will help you to continue to lose weight and not adding to those awful feelings of being a failure if you gain. One the same kind of note. Eat well. Again similar reasons as above. But also filling up with sweet crap and not eating properly makes you feel bad. Notice how much better you have been doing since you have been losing the weight? Keep it up. Don't feel like giving up on it, as come weigh day, you will feel worse if you give up on it, don't exercise and don't eat well.

It's all about giving yourself a chance. OK, one of these things on their own isn't going to miraculously make you feel better. But carry on to do all of them and it will help a little. Remember there is no magic cure. But, you can help your self.

Remember you have people you can talk to. I don't know how much longer you are going to be under services for. But at the moment you have a team behind you. You have G, who at times does piss you off, but you do like him and he has helped you a lot. I don't think you would be where you are now if you hadn't have had his input. Listen to him. As much as you hate to admit it, he is usually right. So, do what he tells you to do and listen to him. You also have the option to call the home treatment team. I can't really say much about them at the moment as you have only just moved over to the new team and things are going to work differently. But remember, you wrote that care plan with your CPN, so if you do need to call the person you speak to will have that to refer to and will hopefully be able to help you out. Ask for a home visit if you need one. Not sure why they work or are helpful, but they are. If it's just that you have to be accountable to someone, someone who knows you are having all these thoughts and will be expecting you to open the door to them at a certain time. Someone who will know that if you don't answer something is wrong. So because of this you are less likely to act on any of the serious urges because you will be found out.

Give your self something to look forward to. I'm not saying book a holiday every low period you have. But perhaps book a ticket to a show, drive to the coast for the day, plan something with friends such as going for dinner or a walk. Even plan a night in pampering yourself. Get face packs, deep conditioning treatment for your hair and some candles and get into the bath with some of your favourite music on. Do nice things for yourself. Be kind to yourself.

An important thing to remember is avoid alcohol. You have been doing so much better since you have not been drinking as much. You can't handle alcohol any more and you are having 2 days of physical hang over and then a week or so after of feeling lower and struggle more. If you drink you are more likely to act on impulse and perhaps do something you may regret after. Or even kill yourself if you don't really mean to. Think back to March/April 2013 and how you nearly died. How awful the experience was. Waking up and being on a ventilator and them removing it while you are awake. The not being able to breathe and them forcing a mask on to your face to force air in to you. The physical effects of it like the pain you had in your neck on shoulder that left you in tears every morning for a good few weeks after, the painful physio you had to have, how you lost your voice and even 8 months after it is still not back to normal and you are undergoing treatment for that.

Remember how it all affected your relationships with your family. What it put them through. How many times have you tried to kill yourself now? Too many to count and it's not worked has it. So, the chances of you going through something like that again if you do anything are quite high. So don't do it. You have said before, you can't go through that again.

It may feel that even if you continue to do all these things and are trying to come out of it that it is not doing anything. But, it probably is. Remember what your CPN said to you last time. You were doing all these things and still not feeling that better. But she said, it probably is doing something and if you weren't doing them you would probably be in hospital by now. You would have probably have acted on the urges and either be very ill or under a section. Also, it was a relatively quick episode wasn't it. At it's worst it was only for a couple of weeks. In the past it could have lasted months. It's not permanent. You need to ensure you keep doing all you do when things are better and it will pass quicker.

It will probably feel as though you have gone back to where you started from. But you haven't. You can deal with it and you have in the past. Each time you have dealt with it it has been a bit easier. Keep doing what you have been doing and it will make it easier.


See you on the other side :-)