I Cried.

Appointment with Sam today. I ended up in tears. Over the stupidist thing. I can talk about self harm, I can talk about my past, I can talk about really tough things. But talking about that I am tired and fed up of having a broken foot/ankle (I am not sure which bone it is so from now on a fookle) I start crying. stupid. I said it's because I am tired. I am getting over emotional and a bit of a wreck.

I'm feeling a little over whelmed recently. Last night I was crying through all of Glee (I virgin plused it). How ridiculous is that. It's supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be something that make you laugh. But me, no, I cry through most of it. I am so stupid!

Placement/work have told me I can't be in while I am on crutches as of health and safety. Even if I get the cast off if I am still on crutches I can't go in as of health and safety. I suppose that has upset me as I liked getting out the house. It was an escape. But as it is now, I am stuck. Stuck with my own thoughts in my own head. Although, saying that the enforced day off on Friday *cough working from home, means that after phsyio I can come home, put ear plugs in to drown out the noise (my nephews are here, them you expect to make noise, it's my Dad that is the problem) and get on with work.

I felt I needed to cry more today. But I wasn't going to let myself cry in front of someone else. I don't do that. Once I start I usually end up sobbing and not being able to get my breath so I try to ensure I don't even start. But I feel like I want to cry at the moment. I am so fed up. So frustrated. Even though I have been told if I have to add days on to final placement I can still graduate at same time as my friends. Yet I feel like this. I feel like crying. I don't usually feel like crying. I think it's the pain, tiredness, frustration, stress, Dr T and the fact I am bleeding again and my mixed metformin and the pill isn't working and I have been discharged from the gynecologist. So it looks like another possible referral. I will give it another couple of months before I go back to doc with it and see what happens then. It's only a recent thing so maybe I will wait a bit. Stupid Ovaries and their polycysticness!

I'm going to go be miserable and cry at Casualty then maybe come back upstairs and watch The Pursuit of Happiness! All joy me!

x

High Blood Pressure.

I had to go get my BP checked today as I am taking the pill for PCOS. It was not good. 166/105. Too high. Much too high. I don't understand it. I think it's the situation I am in and getting false results. When I have been in hospital my BP has always been pretty average at around 115/70. Yet when I go to get it checked specifically I am getting high results.

I am quite worried about it as the pill works. That combined with the Metformin XR. It seems to be controlling it and I am happy with the way it works and I have the bonus of contraception. OK. I am not in a relationship. But I have been known to have been a little silly and have one night stands. Have one night stands and not use protection. I know stupid. I have been checked for STI's though and all is ok. I don't make a habit of ONS'. While travelling there were 3. One (I think) of whom was unprotected. I am almost sure I used protection with the other 2. With the last guy I def did as he went out to get them. But the first guy I have  a vague recollection of using a plastic bag to pick up the condom after. But there was only one and I think we did it more than once. And. Latin American guys do not live up to their reputation of being good lovers.

Anyway. By the by I got checked when I got back and I am ok on the STI front.

But, it does worry me. I have done it before. Will I do it again. I know there is the morning after pill but I don't wanna do the walk of shame. I don't plan on having unprotected sex in the near future. But I like being on the pill. I really don't want to come off it. So I am worrying about it now. I don't want the coil again as there is no way I can go through that pain again. And. It made me really heavy. I like how the pill works.

I am thinking about asking my Doc for some diet pills on prescription. I want to lose weight and I know that being over weight does not help the symptoms of PCOS. Also it is one of those things that get me down also. I have written about it before. On a good note though...I have lost around 10kg, or about a stone and a half in the last year without even trying. I can't afford to join a gym. And I don't have time. I also get bored really quickly. I would like to start playing badminton again but I can't while I have the needle in my arm as it bloody hurts. I have 2 friends who will do it with me so means I can play 2x a week. I have tried so many times to lose weight before and I have failed or I have put it back on. I have tried weight watchers and slimming world but I lose motivation really quickly.

I was thinking next time I go I would ask him if I could have some pills or something. I'll try and argue my point by saying I know it's expensive now but surly in the long run it may be better for me and will save costs. Depends if my surgery subscribe to the same spend money now save it later theory that I do.

Mentally. I am still pretty much the same. I was wondering if the way I was could impact my BP. I mentioned it to the nurse and she didn't really say much. I tried to explain that I wasn't feeling anxious. I don't know how to describe it. I was sort of hoping she would make me see the doc today and I could get me some benzos see if that would bring me down a bit. I hope it's just a matter of snapping out of it all of a sudden should I take some magic wonder drug. I like medication. You can probably tell. I have written about it before. If I can take medication, it's medical therefore I can stop blaming myself or I can attribute it to other things that are not behavioural.

I think I have decided to go down the Adults route. I was speaking to a Social Worker today on the phone. I was talking to her about my choices and that I was currently on placement. We then had a lengthy discussion on how the eligibility criteria of providing care is being raised in all councils. Currently the law states that if I person is assessed as needing and eligible for a service the local authority has to provide it. We were saying about how a people are not getting worse and worse before they meet the criteria. Also how people who previously met it and were receiving services are now having their services withdrawn as the eligibility criteria is rising and so they are now longer eligible. That's the government for you.

I think I have decided I am going to vote Labour come May 5th. Not that it will change national government but it will impact on what group run the local council. I have always seen myself until recently as being quite a Conservative person. But. I think I was led by my parents and what they said. For them being wealthy business people it is better for them. But for me now, not just in what I am going in to but because I have seen how the cuts are drastically effecting people, I think Labour would be better. But. I do have concerns around it as I wonder if a different government would have got in to do much debt and have let the bankers continue as they were?

Enough politics, as I don't really know what the hell I am going on about.

I've got a nice massage, manicure and facial booked in for the same day as my appointment with Dr T. Sam is coming with me to the appointment with him. I don't really know what to say about how things have been. As, in a way I am feeling not as depressed. I am happier. But I am niggled by people's comments saying it's mania, hypomania etc. I know things aren't quite right at the moment. I want my concentration back. In a way I would rather be lower in mood and be able to concentrate and focus and not have a kabillion (yeah I know it's a made up number but it's bigger than a million and a billion and no it's not a trillion) thoughts going through my head at the same time. OK when I think a hell of a lot more, well, it's all the time nearly, of suicide. That worries me. Am I likely to act on it. Also I have it where I am having the suicidal thoughts but they are coming in at a kabillion mph. What happens when I can't control it. I think maybe, I am not sure if I am just low I have more control. Things are slow. When I am like this I don't have control. It does scare me as I am worried I will flip from being hyper to being massively suicidal. So what is for the best really?????

Help!!!!!

What's Going On?

A question. Because I am not really sure.

I don't feel well :-(

I'm still doing my control thing with food. Managed from Sunday lunch to tonight. Not good enough. I feel weak for giving in. I actually considered making myself sick to get rid of it. Tomorrow I am back on the control thing. No food until Friday. In my mad world at the moment it's the only thing I feel I can control.

I went to my GP today. He's lovely. Such a nice guy. Not in the cute kind of way as I would say he's mid 40's and doctor like. But just so nice in the fact that he genuinely cares. In fact all the GP's at my surgery are brilliant. He asked how things were going. I asked him for a fit note. Nope. He can't do it. BUT, he did say he will support me in my studies/placement and doesn't think it's for the best I should be pulled from it. He said that he knows I don't take my issues in to work with me as he can tell when I go to see him that I cover a lot up and that he doesn't feel I am a risk to others. He said I'll make a really good SW. He said his only worry is me. He said he knows it's more than depression and there is more to it. But I am not delusional, manic or psychotic and that he would worry if there was those but as it stands he thinks it's good for me to being doing the course. So while he said he wouldn't write a fit note as should I royally screw up he would be to blame, he would write a report if asked. He said while he couldn't lie if he was asked particular questions he would make sure he was supportive of me staying on placement. Although he said because I have a psychiatrist it would probably be him that uni would be asking should they want further clarification.

What concerns me is how uni will be. They have never asked me if I have had/have mental health problems so I haven't lied in not saying anything. But I am worried they wont be supportive. I am going to have to be really careful in how I word everything.

I am really worried about everything. It's sending me in to a weird way. If uni think there are any concerns they are not going to let me do my placement while they wait for reports are they? If they have concerns they are going to pull me.

I said to my GP about how I was worried about being pulled and what it would do to me. I said I can appreciate that I am not sounding like the most stable person in saying it but I was worried about how it would affect me. If you look at my medical records the admissions and self harm have been when I have been on breaks from uni. The holidays etc.OK, there was the s136. But that was because I was stupid. Because I went out when I wasn't in the right frame of mind and drank. Usually I reason with myself and don't allow myself to go near alcohol unless I am having a stable day. If there have been increased thoughts of suicide or self harm I don't touch it. I am not saying that these thoughts are going to go away. But I am able to have some control over them.

He then took my BP. Not for the hell of it but because that's the original reason I went in. I am on a contraceptive pill which helps regulate my PCOS. When ever I have it taken and I am not with the GP it's on the lower side of normal. When I was in hospital it was always around 110/70. At first today he wouldn't tell me what it was as he didn't want to worry me. In the end he told me the top reading was 166. I have never had it so high. It was probably to do with the conversation we had just had and the fact that I knew it needed to be low as they don't let you have the pill if it's high. So I was worrying about that. So combined it's probably quite expected it would be high. But that high. Even I am worried. I am worried they are going to take me off the pill and that combined with the Metformin is working. I have regular light periods for the first time in about 3 years. I just hope they don't take me off it. So I am worrying about that now. It's so frustrating the whole irregularity of my periods and it's so nice to be able to know when I am going to be on. Before I was bleeding up to 20days of the month. Please don't let there be another thing to add to my list of problems. Especially when I thought it was sorted out.

The more I write about it the more I think I am possibly delusional after all. I worry that there is a bigger issue than I can see and I keep saying it's fine, I'm ok. When maybe, I'm not. I know I am still self harming with the letting and there was those weekends where I swallowed stuff. Maybe I do need to be really honest and say everything. I fear if I am and tell them just how often I think about killing myself even though doing the course is making me happy they will turn round and say, actually you need to be in hospital. I have plans if I was admitted though. If the worst came to the worst and I was admitted I know then I have plans to kill myself. So is me saying that  maybe I do need to be in hospital just an excuse for me to do what I need/plan to do.

At the moment I have made a deal with myself. I am not going to attempt while I am doing the course as that is giving me hope. If they take that away I'm giving up. I have got fight in me at the moment. There is something I am fighting for. But take that away and then my hope has gone. I can't see the point in fighting to keep it together when I have nothing to keep it together for.

I know I am not stable at the moment. I am not a risk to anyone though as I am good at what I do.

I'm not really thinking straight at the moment. As I said I am not feeling 100%. Not mentally but I think I am getting some kind of virus. Dunno. It may just be because I have been taking the metformin on an empty stomach. My diet has been coffee for the past couple of days so it could be that also. Less coffee for me tomorrow!

A Mixture of Events!

I have been up to quite a lot since I last wrote on here. I have kept putting off writing as I know there is quite a lot I have wanted to talk about.

First off, I have been diagnosed as having polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Bit of a pain but at least we know what is causing my gynecological problems now. It's a bit worrying in a way as may struggle on conceive naturally and I am bloody broody and will want to be having kids at the first practical opportunity. So I am sort of worried about that. It was quite an embarrassing appointment also. My gynecologist was a male. When you are having something done it's really quite an invasion of your privacy and when it's a male it's even worse. I know a couple of years ago I had a massage and it was a full body one. I thought at the time I would have rather have had a male gyne as that was rather undignified, however, this was not the case. It was a horrible appointment. I had a coil fitted and it hurt so much and I nearly passed out as of the pain which made me breathe funny. They kept me there a while after as they were worried I was going to hit the deck. It was a horrible experience and made even worse that it was for nothing as the coil expelled the next day! However, it has been good to find some answers and I have been told the PCOS could account for the depression, being overweight and a few other things. Hopefully the medication I am on for it will help. I know so far it has suppressed my appetite so I am quite happy about that.

I think things are getting better for me with my moods also. I have not wanted to self harm as much. I have a couple of times over the last couple of weeks but not seriously. Just a bit of blood letting. So I am thinking that the new meds are working. I was given meds for the PCOS and the meds are for diabetics. Before one of my methods that I thought I could end it all with would be sending me blood sugar low and having a hypo. So when I was given these pills I had an idea, it was like being given it handed on a plate. However, I have not acted on it. I have taken them in the way they should be and I have not really wanted to take them like that. So I am taking that as an improvement.

I have finished uni for xmas now. Had my exam so that is out the way now. I hope I have passed it. I made the mistake of looking at a couple of the answers after and seeing that I wrote the wrong law to the answer. So hopefully I have only gone wrong in a couple of places. It's good how much of it has sunk in though. I was discussing something with my friends yesterday about social care and I was able to quote them the law etc.

Last week I found out my Gran had been taken ill and taken in to hospital. At first there was loads of chinese whispers about what was wrong with her and that it didn't look hopeful. I am not the closest person to my Gran and I have not seen her in about 3 years. It's not that she lives miles away but there are a couple of reasons. The first being is that she has dementia so she doesn't know who I am and I don't want to upset her by being there. Also the other reason is that I don't actually like her that much. She was a terrible parent to my Dad and his family and they were treated like crap by her. I struggle to forgive her for this as you can see how it has affected my Dad.

Anyway though. I was worried about her. But for selfish reasons. I know it sounds really awful. A close grandparent of mine died just before xmas a few years ago. Since then the run up to xmas has always been a sad time really. However, once the anniversary of the death has gone things return to normality. As I have said before, if I haven't I am now, my Dad has undiagnosed psychiatric problems. I think so any way. He has never been seen for them and he probably isn't even aware that he has them. But when he is down or depressed it manifests its self as one mood. And, that in angry, take it out on everyone else, be in a mood type mood. It's horrible being around him. He gets like this about 2 weeks before the anniversary of his Dad's death and about 2 weeks after. So I was being really selfish about this, thinking I can not cope with every year him being like that. It was awful when my other grandparent died. We were really close and I still miss them like mad.

My gran is approaching 90. She has had dementia for the past 15 or so years and got worse when her husband died. She has been in a care home for about 10 years now. She doesn't really know what's going on anymore etc. I have said I don't mind smoking so much now as I would rather die at 70 having had a full life than live in to my late 80's but not know what is going on around me. I am planning on giving up smoking. When I decide I want to try for kids that is when I will stop. I don't want my kids to grow up and me smoking around them.

I have had another appointment with the organisation I was put in touch with also. It surprises me how anxious and emotionally that the appointments affect me. I have had counselling before but this sends me in to a near panic attack. I didn't realise talking about the self harm openly with someone and also talking about my feelings and emotions would have such an effect on me. The person I see she can see how I am feeling as I can't hide it. She is a MH nurse and picks up on my body language etc. She's really good and she wont push me unless I want her to. She wants to not discuss things as they are making me so worked up but I have said I can't keep sweeping it under the carpet and I would rather jump in at the deep end and get on with it. I just hope I don't drown.

I feel as though I am outgrowing my friends. I went away this weekend with them for one of their birthdays. I can't say I enjoyed it that much. They like chavy places which I can't stand. I don't want to go in to a bar and be squeezed in and not be able to move or hear anyone. I can not stand Whetherspoons places as brings out the worst people. They call the places I would like to go to pretentious as they think that people are trying to be something they are not. Well what if people like those places and are not pretending to be like that etc. I don't think I am better than everyone but I will look down my nose at people who are making a fool of themselves or are swearing, falling over the place drunk etc. it's just not nice behaviour to see. If that makes me pretentious then let it. I just can't see what's wrong with a bit of class. These girls are happy going to Magaluf every year on holiday. Want to go on weekends away to Blackpool and Skegness. They don't really have any class. They want to go in to Sports Bars while away as that's where the English men are. Not the men I want to meet though. I had an argument with one of them while we were on holiday saying what is the point in coming all this way on holiday and going to awful bars like you can go to in the home city??? She said all the men were in there. I said not the kind of men I want to meet! OK, maybe I am stuck up slightly but I have standards. I don't like chavs, and if I go out I want to enjoy myself, not be rammed in to a cattle market. I went out a couple of weeks ago with one of my old school friends. She is like me...but worse. When we went out we had a great time though as went to nice bars. I didn't feel the need to get so trollied to deal with it either. I am getting old...I like bars where you can sit and talk. I like going to clubs etc...but the club needs to play decent music and not be full of chavs.

I am not sleeping properly recently. I have been awake since 4.30am today. I was asleep by 10 last night as the past 2 nights I hadn't slept very well. I am going to be knackered by the end of the day. I hope I can get myself in to a proper routine again soon as I am going to be ill over xmas if it carries on. I am already ill as it is with a cold and cough but it wont go away if I can't get enough sleep. I tried to get back to sleep this morning but after an hour or so I gave up and decided I would get up. Wouldn't mind so much usually but I have to be at work in a couple of hours. Got a couple of training days...what joy!