It Is Getting Worse.

So first off what I wanted to say about my recent stay on medical wards.

You know I wrote that post in which I talked about my dream of being in hospital when I stabbed myself. I said it wasn't my hospital but it was the staff. Well turns out it was my hospital. It was the intensive care ward. The ward in which I was on over the weekend. I have never been on that ward, never visited anyone and had no idea what it was like. Until I was there and it was the same as my dream. It goes to show my dreams do show me things. Dreams have shown me things in the past but I have never had it where I have written about it and then, bam! I have been there. Kind of weird really. Does it mean my dreams can predict the future in some weird way?

Anyway, today.

So, summoned to the hospital to see Dr T and Beth. Dr T as usual was running late. So Beth sat with me in the waiting room. She was asking me loads of questions. She basically said that last week the only thing that would have stopped me from doing what I did would have been to use the MHA then. I just said nothing would stop me. She kept going over and over things. Talking about stuff that had happened that I didn't know about. A call to the police saying there was a dead body from someones mobile phone. I don't get why they didn't call an ambulance? Why the police? If you come across what you think is a dead body, unless quite obviously dead, such as being decapitated, or just some limbs, you would call an ambulance. Even if you felt for a pulse and couldn't find one, you would still call an ambulance. I find all that weird. So much so I wonder if that was actually the way in which things panned out. I mean, this team have been known to get things wrong before.

So in with Dr T. I can't make eye contact. I can't speak. All I can say is I don't want to see anyone and I won't work with anyone. Again, they asked me to go in to hospital on a voluntary basis. I said no. As I said before, I fear hospital more than I fear death.

Dr T then told me I was feeling angry at them. No, not particularly. I just want to be left alone. I feel that their input makes me worse. I said I wanted to go alone. They said they couldn't do that as they were worried and my actions had caused a lot of concern. And, my behaviour now was causing concern.

I was asked how I felt, I said I wished it had worked, what I didn't say was because I don't want to deal with what is going off now. Everyone knows. I never wanted that. I don't want anyone knowing. They asked if I was still having thoughts and I said I was but I didn't have any plans. And here they go again with getting it wrong. They said I had attempted in the past when I didn't have plans. Well, actually no! Every attempt has been planned. I didn't have the energy to attempt to argue with them. I don't have the energy to argue with them.

Dr T asked me if I thought I was unwell. I said no. I don't feel that I am. These feelings aren't any different to what I have been feeling for a long time. So I don't think I am unwell. I don't know what they think though. I couldn't look at them in the eye and I couldn't speak really. Just the occasional one word answer and the odd nod, shake and shrug. I tried to get out of my head and from what was going on. I noticed Beth's nice shoes and her purple toes, Dr T's very unfashionable black lace up shoes with a diamond kind of print socks. The carpet was blue with a small pattern in which I thought looked like a leopard print pattern, very discreet though. It smelt of paint. It smelt of a new building. Which it was. After all it's only been open less than a year.

I declined their input. Dr T said he would see me weekly, only yesterday I was told he is discharging me. I don't want to see him. I don't want to see anyone.

Dr T asked Beth what she thought. She said I needed a Mental Health Act Assessment. She said they had a duty of care, rah, rah, rah, rah, rah!!!!! Dr T agreed and they asked me if I would wait in reception. I said I just wanted to go home. They asked me if I would agree to the assessment and I just kind of shrugged. I don't have a choice. I don't want them turning up at my door with the police and get me on a S135. It was quite late and I think Dr T wanted to see his last clients and go home. And, he wanted to get my GP involved. So they said an assessment would be arranged for tomorrow and they would come to my house. I don't know if it will be Dr T. I don't know who it will be. They are going to try and get my GP to come also, as I think he is supposed to be the doctor that knows me. I was asked to guarantee that I would keep myself safe tonight. Again, I said I didn't have plans so it was fine.

They did the whole going in to the past thing again. Wanting to know what has gone on in my life and any significant events. I said there were none. I am not sure if those things that happened are significant enough to cause this. Why does it have to be an event that causes it. Why can't it just be the way things are. I still feel it's all very Freudian. A Psychiatrist I don't have respect for as quite frankly, he was talking rubbish. I mean, how can you take someone seriously who comes up with things like the Oedipus and Alexis Complex. Really?

I was asked if I was ok to drive. They wanted to call my Mum and I said she was out. She was, she was at meetings. I said I only lived 5 minutes away and I would be fine. I got in my car. Composed myself. Then instead of turning right to go home I turned left. I wasn't really sure where I was heading. I was going to drive around my childhood haunts. Go and walk up to my wishing tree. This is a tree that when I was a kid, my friend and I used to go to and we used to believe it had magic powers to grant wishes. It was quite a cool tree and easy to climb. I went back there a few years ago. But, I had no energy. I couldn't be bothered to walk through the rain, through the park/forest what ever it's called to go find my tree. Instead, I drove to the cemetery.

When I have been really bad and at a low point I speak out loud to my Nan. Hoping that somehow, if I am doing such a wrong thing she will somehow let me know. I decided I was going to visit her and my Grandad's grave. I haven't been in about 2 years. No one tends to go. As a family we were never one for visiting people's graves, after all only the body is there and their soul has (supposedly, if you believe religion) gone to heaven. So if you wanted to talk to them you should pray. I went to the cemetery. There were no cars in the car park. Being as though it was an area in which some of the rioting at happened (it hit my city the other night with police stations being firebombed and shops in the city centre being looted), not majorly, but I didn't want some yob seeing my car all alone and think they could just nick it or set fire to it. The latter being more likely as not the type of car you steal as it's a rust bucket and takes about an hour to get from 0-60mph. I saw another car drive in to the cemetery so it's what I did.

I drove up to the grave. I got a blanket out and as I sat down, I looked around to ensure I wasn't in earshot of anyone and talked to my Nan and a little to my Grandad. He died when I was one so I never really knew him. But my Nan, well, she was second Mum. I was there about 45minutes. I apologised and asked that if there was some form of afterlife, could she some how let me know. Then I asked if it was because what I had done was against the religion she tried to bring me up as (Catholic...dragged to church every Sunday until she died when I was 15 and I have not been back since), and was that the reason why she wasn't making herself known to me?

I don't know what I believe when it comes to the whole death thing. I would like to think re-incarnation. As after all, forever after as a dead person, is a bloody long time. And I am not sure if I like that. I mean what if you marry, they die and you re marry, and they die. If there is such thing as heaven...who are you with? Think about it? It's not exactly the best thought out plans is it?

So after that I go home. I really don't want to go home. I said to my friend earlier, if I had the money I would do a runner for a while. Hop on a plane and get out of here. Disappear for a while. But, all I have is a shit load of debt and only £60 in cash. Won't get me far or last for long will it?

I think I am going to be sectioned. I won't work with them, and I don't know if they will just let me go on my merry way. I fear hospital more than I fear death. I have already started thinking about how I can do it while I am in hospital, if they make me go in. I have hidden needles in my belongings. So, hopefully, if I am searched they won't find all of them and I have some outlet still.

My career is fucked basically also.

I came home and spoke to my Mum telling her what was going to happen tomorrow. She made jokes like asking me if she should make them all a cuppa and try and butter them up. Me, I think make them a cuppa and put chloroform in it so I can do a runner. Didn't say this out loud though.

We then got talking about my Dad. She said that this whole situation had made her realise she was always being defensive about me and my brothers and she didn't like feeling like that. I agreed. He is hard work. So I came out with it and asked if they were going to break up. She said it was looking like that. She doesn't want to lead the rest of her life feeling defensive around my Dad. I just said I had seen it coming for a long time now and was surprised she lasted this long. I do worry about my Dad though. As much as I can't stand to be around him at times and I would hate for him to be here now. I don't think he could cope on his own.

I asked if she had thought about practicalities and she said she had. I asked what would happen to the house we live in now. She said she couldn't afford to run it on her own as it's a big house and the bills are large etc. So we talked about if it remained amicable would my Dad support her still in living in the house. It's a possibility. Also, there are2 very similar houses for sale on my road already. They are only on the market for about £400,000 and so is not a good time to sell as they are worth more than that. So, maybe we could stay here and my Dad would move to one of his houses that he owns. If they do split I hope it remains amicable between them.

So that's been my day. I think tomorrow I am going to end up in hospital. I am scared.

I have one friend telling me to lie, and the other telling me she thinks it may be for the best. I have only told 2 friends. I don't want anyone else knowing.

So, if I don't blog for a while. It's cos I have been put in a straight jacket and rushed off to be drugged up and kept quiet!

I Have A Lot To Say, I'm Just Not Sure How To Say It.

I've had a week off from blogging as I was away. I missed it. I felt the need to write. Especially as the week was far from relaxing and in the end I could not wait to get home. That's not to say I hated it all. I had a nice time with my brother and his family, but my Dad ruined it for me.

There have only been two people in my life that have been able to make me regress back to a moody teenager. That's Gom and my Dad. The arguments I have with my Dad that make me want to pick something up and throw it at him. I was the same with Gom. I did used to throw things at him though, but he did it to me also. There were a few times with Gom where he would retaliate and throw something back or hit me back also. Those times I probably deserved it. But there were times where he would throw something at me (numerous occasions) or when he would hit me first, or not as what could possibly be classed self defence. Those times only happened on about 4 occasions. The first time I did call the police. I was hysterical as of what he had done and it was me that they threatened with a Section 5. It was me that had to leave the house, as Gom owned it. Gom was calm and rational with them. I wasn't. And I wasn't going to bring charges against him. It was around the time I first started self harming so I had a feeling that if the police got wind of that in their investigations then I would be made to look the irrational, crazy one with a temper and emotional issues. And, although I was scared for my safety at the time, I was more scared of losing him. I suppose that's pretty typical though.  A month or so after this happened I had a missed call and a voice mail from the police saying they had looked in to it and they would not be taking any further action and they didn't feel that I was at risk.

Anyway, that is not really relevant to where I was going with this post.

But my Dad, he infuriates me so much. He is a chauvinistic pig who believes that everyone should run round after him. He talks to people like shit and if he upsets them then it's their problem and they should not be so sensitive. If someone upsets him, even with the truth, he will go in to a mood for days on end, being really off with all family members and has a every one is against me attitude. He drives me insane. The other day I was at my brothers camp site as I stayed with them for a few nights and he was there getting everyone running around after him. Not once did he get up and get his own drink. My brother got them all for him. He told me to go get him one and my brother stood up for me saying GP is not drinking so why should she go and run around after you. I said that right also, he told me to. Not ask. He has no respect for anyone. Then he layed in to me really loudly on the campsite saying I don't do anything for him, I am lazy and I will never get a boyfriend with the attitude I had. My brother kind of layed in to him for it saying he shouldn't speak to me like that and my Dad's attitude was I shouldn't be so sensitive and I should just deal with it.

My Dad is the same with my Mum. He wont do anything. If he wants something he will get my Mum to go get it for him. All you can hear is "get me this", "get me that", "just go there and get that". It drives me mad. I believe that relationships should be equal, not so one sided. I honestly don't know why my Mum hasn't left him as if he spoke to me like that all the time then I wouldn't stick around if I was his wife.

So it came to a head this morning and he layed in to me again. I just blew up at him saying he stood need to talk as he was the most chauvinistic person I had met and he needed to have a personality transplant as he was vile. He called me childish and told me to grow up. I slammed a door and walked off. If it wasn't for the fact I was relying on them for a lift to the airport I would have buggered off for the day. And the thing is when I am angry I cry. I can't contain it. I hate people seeing me cry as worry people will see it as a sign of weakness. Don't get me wrong, I don't think it is in other people but I hate people to see me cry or to know I have been crying.

I called Sam when I got back to England. I still had a 6 hour travelling time a head of me. She had called me this morning as I had accidentally called her number Friday evening. It's the first number in my phone and the phone doesn't automatically lock. So she called me to check in that everything was ok. I called her back but it went to voice mail and I left a message explaining it was a mistake and I hadn't meant to call her at 10pm on a Friday evening. I also asked her in the voicemail if she could let me know what had been said in the last week with the different services involved.

She called me back quite quickly. The first thing she said was that I sounded really pissed off and down in my message. I explained to her that I was ill (because of my not sleeping at night for the past week and also being up at about 7am every morning, an drinking most nights (actually I left the drinking bit out), I have come down with a cold, it's quite normal for me to get colds and coughs when I have periods of not sleeping and being tired, I think my immune system must be lowered), I was pissed off as of the arguments that morning and I still had a lot of travelling to do. I said I just felt like I could break down crying. I tend to get more emotional when I am tired and ill. She said I could probably do with a good cry. I said that it probably wouldn't do me any favours to be sitting in a waiting room at International Airport and just break down in tears. I said I would probably get a few weird looks. She said go off and find a quiet corner and I said I don't do crying in public. I don't really do crying. Unless it's a film, TV or something like that, or if I am angry. I started to break down a bit on the phone and had to pull my self back.

So, the reason I actually started this post was to talk about the next bit. So sorry if you have gone through all this waffle to now. But I suppose I was just building a picture.

I told Sam that I had thought a bit about the attempt that I made two weeks ago. I said to her that I didn't feel any different and I was still feeling a lot of regret that it didn't work. Which is true. I didn't tell her I am making more plans and I have a day in mind. She asked me if I could go in to a counselling session on Wednesday. I thought she was away on holiday for the next few weeks. Obviously, over the phone is not a good place to be talking about those feelings. Especially given that I was in an airport. So I am going to see her on Wednesday.

I feel as though I have so much to say, but I don't really know what to say and how to say it.

I do wish that my attempt had worked. I have said that much. But. I will do it again. I know when I will do it again also. But that kind of information is enough to get me locked up, so that wont be going any further. I wont lie to her if she asks me. I will ask her what the ramifications of me telling her if I was planning. But then not answer.

She said that what I was feeling about my day was pretty normal, as anyone would be pissed off and worn out with it all. But she said I should think about giving Crisis Team a heads up. I have been referred to them again and I have said that I would think about calling them before things got to that stage again. I have got a lot of people behind me now. But, I don't want them. I have the CPN again who has written to me saying from the end of August I will see her rather than Dr T as there is nothing else that he would do. Sam said she is going to take on the role of CCO. The CPN in the letter said that she had spoken to Sam and was apparent I was struggling at the moment. She said Dr T had made the referral to Crisis team should I need them so that they have relevant information. She has asked Sam to discuss with me what she as CPN can do and what I want her to do. But, if I did not need her or felt I couldn't use her or wanted to wait then that would be fine.

I also have the clinical psychologist working with Sam for me.

I said to Sam, in theory it's great. But I struggle to call in anyone when I should probably be calling them in. I won't talk to anyone. I even struggle to talk to Sam. What makes it easier with her is she can read my body language and tone and she knows how I am feeling. That makes it a bit easier with her when she will say, you look this are you feeling that. And usually she will be spot on and it makes it easier to discuss things. But. I know I should probably be open and honest about this next attempt. But, it's something I want to do. I don't want to be stopped. So I know, I am not going to call in anyone on it. I have all those people offering support but I can't seem to take it.

I think the only time I would possibly call on Crisis team is if I was struggling to hold on until my planned attempt date. I suppose though that that is not really what they are there for. They are there to be phone now, now when I am planning this and I should probably be stopped but I wont.

I have quite a lot of things worrying me at the moment also. That can't help really can it? I am ignoring quite big things as I can't deal with them. But they need dealing with. I need someone to take over my life for me. To organise me, There are a few pressing things that are quite urgent that need to be dealt with but I ignore it as I can't do anything about it. I can't deal with official things at the moment. It is something I could bring up with Sam. She may be able to offer me practicle advice. Although, I think I know what I need to do. And, what does it matter when I am planning on not being around to deal with it anyway.

This has turned in to a really long post so I am going to leave it there. And I am falling asleep with the lap top on my knee.

Night All...

xxx

I am so glad to be home and have my own space again. It's so nice having the house to myself. The quiet is lovely.

Operation

So, obviously because I am writing this, I am still here.

I had the operation in my arm today under a general anaesthetic. Was supposed to be a short operation but I was under for more than 2 hours. And, they couldn't get it out. So I am feeling quite miserable. Miserable in the fact that my plan of eating and drinking so I would aspirate didn't work. And also, because I am stuck with the pain of the bloody thing in my arm. My follow up appointment isn't for 3 months. 3 bloody months. I was last on the list today. I didn't even see the consultant after the op for him to explain anything to me about the follow up appointment. I really don't like the consultant. He is an arrogant twat.

The experience on the whole wasn't bad or scary. It was boring waiting around for 3 hours before they took me in at 14.30. Come my turn I was taken in to theatre and there was a whole team of people dressed in green scrubs. He took a few x-rays first and then they put the cannula in.The anaesthesiologist then gave me some Medazalan, which I couldn't really see the point of. What is the point in a sedative just before they put you out? Then she put a mask over my face and told me to breathe deeply. Then I saw them putting the general in. The only reason I knew it was the general was because it is like milk. I wasn't told that's what they were doing. I didn't even see it all going in. It knocked me straight out. Next thing I know I am being told they are going to move me on to the ward. I can't remember being in recovery except there was a woman sitting next to me and her saying that I hadn't come round yet. I mumbled that it hurt and then I was taken to the ward. I was then given a hefty dose of morphine. Nice! Lol. I am sure the amount of that stuff I have had recently I may become addicted (just kidding there but it seems they are happy to hand it out like a can of pop; and it does taste nice).

Surprisingly, I wasn't scared. I was at first but after waiting so long for it to be my turn I was feeling ok. It surprises me as I thought there was a possibility that I could die, that I wanted to die. But I was pretty calm. So, I take that as confirmation of my feelings about ending everything. I thought there was a high possibility of me being sick while I was under and it drowning me. But no.

How do I feel now? Disappointed. Other than that, a bit woozy. I feel like I've had a few drinks and my head is not all there. I also feel really emotional. The smallest thing is setting me off. Like being told I had to make my own dinner if I wanted some, my Dad saying "you do watch some crap" when he didn't even know what I was watching. It was actually the Panarama from the other night. Did anyone see it? If not it's shocking. The abuse those patients were put through from sadistic "care" workers. It's on BBC iPlayer if you have not seen it. I have worked in similar settings and I have never seen anything like that. It's so shocking that people think they can treat others like that.

Oh, and I've got the Morphine Itch now. Grrr. So annoying. I've just taken a cyclizine (from my previous hospital stay) to combat the woozy feeling. Being as though they are anti-histamines I hope that it stops me itching. Grrrr.

So feeling pretty miserable right now. And, to top it all off I have got to get up early in the morning as there is someone coming to fix my balcony roof. It's leaking water in to downstairs. The parents have only just re-decorated also. It's cos the floor gets really hot and gets deformed. So even if they do work from the outside like they did today, I am not going to be able to sleep while there are 2 strange men only feet away. And my nephews are staying with us for 3 nights so that means baby talk tourettes from my Dad. I love my nephews so much, but I find that after a while of them being here and my Dad being around I want to get out. I love it when he's not here. If he wasn't here I'd want them to live with us. It's just my Dad. And it really annoys me how he always makes my mum and I to be the bad guy. Like if oldest nephew is doing something he shouldn't be he'll tell him not to do it but when it comes to actually taking the thing off him, or moving him away it's my Mum or myself that has to do it. Then there's tears then we get "isn't Granny/GP mean? Awwwww come here". And then it's hugs and kisses for something he shouldn't have been doing.

I'm moaning now. But it does piss me off. I'm fed up!

Stuck In The Middle

I was speaking to my Mum earlier. My Dad has apparently said to my Mum he wants her to leave him. She has said to me, she doesn't be the one who wants to instigate it. But wants to. And asks me for my advice. I said to her as I have said a million times, talk about it nice and calmly when you have not had a drink! So she said to me, what do you know. You have had a drink. So what! I have said it so many times. I have said it when she storms in to my room at night asking me. I said it to my brother the other day. I think for both brothers they feel my Mum should leave him. I still feel like a child and want every thing to be good. They have been together nearly 35 years. I want to be the .4 child. I hate how she tells me the problems. I know I should get a grip. I am nearly 27. I am an adult. But I don't want all of that. I want them to sit down and talk about things. I can see my Mum's point. I can see how she would not want to be with him. He is saying that as of what she is feeling. But it wouldn't take that much to change his chauvinist ways. I think that would solve it. I do. I think.

But then I think they only married as my Mum was pregnant at 18. And back in 1976 it was not the done thing. Not when you are a nice catholic girl, with nice catholic parents, nice catholic middle class parents who's father was in politics and close on being a MP. And would have been if he hadn't have fallen over a balcony in County Hall. He was a VIP my Grandad. He couldn't have been seen with a teenage daughter who was pregnant and unmarried.

So where do I lie now. My Mum is now close on being MP. My Dad is not supportive. And I must say I voted for the other party. Not because I didn't want her in, but because her party doesn't quite tow the line I want to be following. I don't agree with a lot of their plans, so I voted the opposite way.

So here I am. Had to listen to the shit that goes on between them. Has to put up with the crap. I can't say what I think as no one listens to me.

I think I am going to ask my brother if I can stay at his over the next few days. I need to run away from this whole situation. I don't want to be brought in to it.

Is that bad? Is that wrong?

Fed Up.

I am so fed up. And pissed off. It's my Dad that is causing it. He is driving me insane. He has a go at me for something he does all the time. I would say first off but it's not the first off. Yesterday he was talking to me like shit. We were sat there having lunch and the door bell went. He was sitting right next to it. I couldn't move or get it as takes me an hour to do anything. But he shouts at my mum to get it. She is in the other room having her lunch. So I said "don't ask mum to get it, she's in the other room having her lunch" he states he didn't know. So I said something along the lines of well she said she was and she only walked past you 2 minutes ago holding her lunch and saying she was going in the other room. All this time there is someone standing at the door and he can just see me and my Dad sitting there. So I try and get up and he has a go at me for trying to get up when I am in pain, so he shouts my Mum again. I am so pissed off at him. He then has the cheek to have a go at me for having attitude. So I said I don't talk to you any worse than you talk to Mum or me.

Then my brother was making tea after evening dinner. He shouts in will someone make him a coffee. He is sat on the computer messing around on photo shop. We shout that my brother is making tea and he says "well I want coffee you;ll just have to make me a coffee then"! His attitude stinks. He expects everyone to run around after him. He'll tell my mum to go get something for him from the kitchen when they are both sitting there and it's something he wants. A drink, some wine, an orange, some cream, toothpicks, anything. It drives me mad how he expects people to run around after him.

It's always been like this but usually I hide out in my bedroom. But with being like I am at the moment I can't escape. I am having to rely on people to get me things. I hate asking. I really do. I hate having people have to run round after me.

Today. My nephews come at about 8am. All I can hear is him. My nephews are 2 years and one at 4 months. He makes more noise than them both put together.All I can hear is him. I go downstairs at 9.30am after he has gone out as I am pissed at him for waking me up and just being noisy. He is like it all the time. He has baby talk tourettes. It gets to me so much. I can't stand being around when there's him and my nephews as it just pisses me off and really gets to me.

So I spend the morning doing uni work and work work in my room. I decide to have a shower and go downstairs to get a drink. He's there and starts making comments how I have just decided to get up and grace my nephews with my presence. When he got back I was in the shower and then getting ready. I go down stairs and my mum asks me to watch the 2 year old while he has his lunch. So I am sat there talking to him and my dad starts having a go at me for being noisy. And then making loads of snide comments. I snapped in the end and said "you stand need to talk with the way you are so don't you dare have a go at me when I am not even being noisy"! I am so sick of it all. I am fed up. I am sick of being stuck in the house all the time. I can't go anywhere. I can't do anything.

I have again retreated to my room. I love my nephews but I don't want to be around when he is around as it winds me up so much. I can't stand the sight of him at the moment and I hate the way he talks to my Mum and expects every one to run around after him. He can't look after the kids as he doesn't know what he is doing. He expects everyone to do the bad things that they don't like like nappy changing. The other day he left tea on the side and let the 2 year old wander in to the kitchen and as an after thought he said "oh, you best go see what he is doing as there is a cup of tea on the side". He doesn't think. He doesn't watch them properly. It drives me mad. He winds them up on purpose and then gets annoyed when they are being noisy. He does the same to the dog and makes her bark and then shouts at her really loudly scaring her when it is him who did that. I am so bloody angry. So angry that the whole situation makes me cry. I always cry when I am angry. Not good.

I really want to spend some time with my nephews but I can't when he is around. He takes over and then expects me to do the things that they don't like like wiping their hands, washing their face, changing his nappy etc. And then says things like "ohhh, nasty Aunty GP making you do that". It makes them play up even more and makes the job a lot harder than it should be.

I feel bad saying all these things but I am so pissed off, so fed up that I can't cope. I can't concentrate on anything. It makes me never want to go downstairs. I can hear him now shouting and being noisy. I hate it. I look forward to the nights he is out. Which unfortunately is only Tuesdays. I wish he would just go and do some bloody work.

And to top it all off. My cast foot is wet. It got wet in the shower and now it's all soggy and cold. Feels horrible.

Nerves

I have an appointment with Sam tomorrow. I am nervous. I don't know why. I have nothing major to tell her. I will talk about how I broke my foot and how I blame myself. But I don't know why I am nervous about it.

I suppose last time I saw her I was a bit hyper, or as Sam said like I had taken amphetamines. This only really stopped the day after I broke my foot because I was dosed up on morphine. I've also got an appointment with Dr T on Monday. I am not looking forward to that. Sam said she is coming with me. I have asked her to. She keeps offering all the time to come to different appointments with me so I thought I would take her up on the offer. I never seem to remember what has been said.

I still feel that Dr T is wanting to section me. I know Sam has spoke to him and has tried to reassure me that it is not the case. But I still have this horrible feeling that is the route he is following. He mentioned Mental Health Act Assessments and I still never really got a proper answer about it. It is like he is avoiding answering it. Is seeing a psychiatrist every month pretty normal in terms of amount of times I see him? How often do you see your Psychiatrist?

I am a bit all over the place today. It doesn't help that I have run out of morphine and dihydrocodeine now and I am in quite a lot of pain. I am sick of being cooped up in the house having to rely on people to do everything for me. It is driving me insane. My Dad is also not helping as he is in one of his moods. And I am getting pissed off with him as he expects my Mum to run around after him all the time. It drives me mad. And then he had the cheek to have a go at me for speaking to him with attitude (when I wasn't really I was just pulling him up on what he was doing and he didn't like it) when he was talking to me like crap. It's one rule for him and another for everyone else. I love him but at the same time I can't bare to be around him. He has been on holiday for the last 2 weeks and he was not supposed to be getting back until today but he got back last Thursday instead. When I was told he was coming home early I was disappointed. It's awful isn't it? Maybe it's just me being over sensitive as I am so fed up. I have another 10days of not being able to do anything. And that's at the earliest. I have to go back for physio and it's not certain that the cast will be coming off then. It's just a trial. I am so fed up of all of this. I need my space. I need to be able to get out on my own. I hate being stuck inside all day and then having to rely on everyone as I can't even get myself a drink and take it to watch TV. I've had enough.

So I am trying at working from home. I don't have the motivation at the moment to do it. I am panicking about uni work and what I need to be doing for this and I am going mad with worry about that but, keep putting it off.

So I have the appointment with Sam tomorrow. I suppose I could just talk about how I a feeling at the moment. I suppose that is what I will do.

I feel so angry and pissed off.

Jealousy

I have these huge insane feelings of jealousy at the moment. It's awful. I feel bad for even talking about it but I need to articulate them for myself.

The first one is of someone I know who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and only has months to live. I am jealous of her. I want to be the one who dies. It's acceptable isn't it to die that way. People wont be angry with you. I don't want people feeling sorry for me just that it's an acceptable way to die. I know it's awful to say that. I know a lot of people who are close to her on the course would not be friendly towards me if they knew what I did while she was laying there dying. Even if she knew how I felt she would probably hate me for it. I wrote to her not long ago. I didn't say anything about me and just that I was thinking of her. She will have no idea just how much I am thinking of her.

Another one is my mum telling me about her friends niece dying as of an allergic reaction to general anaesthetic. I have this operation coming up soon and I hope that something like that goes wrong for me. You are not supposed to eat before generals but I am not going to listen to that in the hope that something does go wrong.

Another jealousy I have at the moment is seeing my friends getting married and having kids. Why are they so happy. It's not fair that I have to deal with this crap in my head all the time. I want babies. I want babies soon. Previous blogs have noted how broody I am. I don't want them to be unhappy but I am jealous of their happiness and what they have.

So what's all that about then. On one hand I am jealous of people dying and I don't get to. Yet on the other I am jealous of people's happiness and babies.

I think it shows that whole more than one person in me thing maybe.

Who knows?

How Time Flies

One year ago today I was packing, unpacking because my bag was faaaar to heavy and packing again. Now really did I NEED the SILK dress for backpacking in SE Asia. Did I NEED the hair straighteners and hair dryer? Well the silk dress came out but the hair dryer and straighteners stayed. I was carted off down to boots as I did not need massive shampoo and conditioners and shower gel and everything else. So my mum took me down to boots and brought me some travel size bottles that I could decant shampoo in to. She told me over and over not to take conditioner but to take leave in. I listened. It was awful. My hair was like straw.

I still took a pair of jeans (in the 3 months I wore them once), my black tulip fit dress (I never wore), black combat trousers (I never wore) about 5 pairs of shoes (which within the first week was whittled down to 1 and had to buy more, a dog stole one shoe of a pair, when I fell off the motorbike I wrecked one pair as the amount of blood that was over them and two pairs of flip flops broke as they were primark crap! I always tend to have shoe crisis' when ever I go anywhere. I am not good with shoes. I have weird feet. They are a funny shape so most shoes I get rub me in places and I walk funny in them so wear out on one side. When I was with Gom we would have endless arguments about my shoes. He always used to say to me make sure you bring comfortable shoes. So I did but after walking a while I would have massive blisters or they would be killing me some how.

I also took over a years supply of tampons. I still have loads left! Why I thought I needed so many who knows. I put them in to a plastic bag which had a tendency to somehow come open and spill them everywhere.

I also had a bra crisis while I was over there going from taking 5 to only coming back with 2. Again that's cheap ASDA bra's for you.

It was one year ago that I said goodbye to my nephew on his first birthday. I wouldn't see him again for 3 months. He was bound to forget me. He was the only one I cried when I said bye to, he was the one I missed the most.

So I am sitting here looking out my window across the park. The leaves are coming on the trees and soon I wont be able to see the house opposite. It also means I don't have to worry about drawing my curtains every time I get changed. At the moment the people walking on the park can probably see in if my light is on, but once the leaves come I can have naked Tuesday's again! Only joking... It was Wednesday! Lol.

As I sit and watch the people amble by I think about what has gone on in the last year. What has changed for the better and what has got worse. I am thinking back to how excited I was about going travelling on my own. My first entry in my diary on 4th April 2010....

Sitting in airport in London. Feeling mixed emotions. Still deciding whether or not I'm doing the right thing by going. No backing out now though. Checked in and waiting for flight. Had my first heart stopping moment (the first of many). The check in guy asked if I had a visa for Thailand. I don't. I am lucky I remembered to print off my Air Asia flight confirmation. I thought I wasn't going to be able to go. Got really worried. Well all is ok now at least. Waiting for flight now. In 17or so hours I will be in Bangkok. Then where. Not decided yet!!!!

I remember the song that was playing as I landed in Bangkok (yeah I know you are supposed to not have iPods on but I still had mine on...ooops. I wasn't actually told on that flight). It was Muse, New Born. I felt amazing. I loved not knowing where and when I was going. I loved the freedom I had. I have never had that before. All I had to tie me in was a booked flight 3 weeks later from Phucket to Saigon. The taste of freedom was amazing.

I thought I could run away from everything. Turns out I couldn't. I did start having suicidal thoughts while I was over there. I went a bit mad while I was over there, put my self in stupid situations (like arguing with a a Vietnamese guy who has not taken me to my hotel and dropped me in the middle of no where and I refused to pay him), rented motorbikes when have never ridden one, had unprotected sex and protected one night stands, got tattoo's (well I actually planned one of them the other was because I was a bit pissed and I liked the music the place was playing, not exactly the best reason for a tattoo). I tasted the freedom and I suppose you could say I went too far. I had fun though. Isn't that what matters? I started having the thoughts of suicide about 6 weeks in. Thinking and making plans not to go back. Stocking up on Temazepam, Zopiclone, Diazepam, Diclofenac anything I could get over counter. Taking 20mg of diazepam and 15mg of zopiclone most days. And drinking shit loads. Scary amounts. Tried mushrooms, the first time...loads of fun, second time; never again. Buying weed off some back street guy in Phnomn Penh...risky stuff. Maybe it's me reading too much in to it. Maybe it's just me who was given that freedom and I took it. OK, I did some silly things but did I not just do what any person going travelling on their own for the first time would do?

So. A year later. My oldest nephew is now 2. 2 today. He's lovely. I also have another nephew now. I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant about a week in to my trip. And now. A 3 month old baby. He's cute.

I do wish I could go back in time a year. Have my whole 3 month trip ahead of me. Not be dealing with all this in my head. I wonder if I would have gone about things differently. I wonder if things would have still worked out the same if I had known what was coming. I always think that. "If I could just go back in time by...". I wonder what would be different. Would anything change. I think I would have ended it with Gom on my own terms if I knew what was coming. Not be the one who was the one people feel sorry for. Not have it end like it did. I can't blame him for what I am feeling and doing now. It's just the way things are. I don't know how much of it is behavioural if we look at the behaviour, medical disease approach. I don't know.

Nurseman Mike would seem to think it is. He kept saying things like "it's your choice". Maybe it is. Maybe though sometimes I don't feel like I have a choice. Sometimes I can't help but self harm, or try to kill myself. Maybe at first it was. Maybe at first I could have rationalised and said to my self "stop right there, hang on, what are you doing? If you take all those Diazepam it is going to start a spiral of self harm". Maybe I had the choice then. But now I feel as though it has gone beyond it. Obviously it is my choice on what I choose to say to the Psychiatrist and everyone else about how I am feeling. Part of me knows if I am not honest then how do I expect to be helped. A lot of it is because I am so bloody scared of the outcomes. I suppose that's my choice isn't it?

I am not a big fan of the behaviourist approach. In a way I would rather be diagnosed with bi-polar or similar than it be coping mechanisms, or what ever. Bi-polar can be treated with medication. I am sorry if I am making bi-polar look to be a nicer thing. I know to people diagnosed with it they are probably wanting to shout and scream at me for wanting to be diagnosed with it. I know you probably feel that you don't want the diagnosis. Nor do I. I don't want to be ill. I don't want to be like this. But. I am. And I would rather they label it as something I see as more of a medical than behavioural thing. Does that make sense?

However I say that. I had a stern chat with one of my clients the other day "Marie, it's your choice. You say you want your kids back but you are the one who is choosing to go and get pissed most nights and not have anyone able to track you down. It's your choice whether or not you see your social worker but you need to work with us and not against us as on your own you are making the wrong decisions". I said to her all this behaviourist stuff. What's that about? Is it just that I don't want to see my own thing as a behavioural issue as if I do that then I can't put blame on to anyone or anything. You know if it's medical then I can blame my brain for not functioning properly. If it's behavioural I have no one to take any ownessis away from me. Nothing. That's probably it then isn't it. Also in terms of getting better. If it's medical, give me drugs. If it's behavioural...it's bloody hard work, hard work that I have to do and I don't have the energy for it!

Anyway, back on to time. It's now spring. It's averaging about 15c. It doesn't seem 2 minutes ago since it was -15c at it's worst here. Brrrrr.

I can't believe how in a year I have gone from being quite positive and optimisitic about things such as going travelling to being like I am now. All the same issues were there a year ago. So why am I like I am now. Infact I should have been worse a year ago as the break up was still raw. I've had a year to get over him. I am getting there. I don't feel so much hate towards Gom and LD now. I think that is because I am getting used to it. I am getting used to the idea that she lives there. I know when I find out she's pregnant or something like that that will hurt and I will probably be thrown in to a deep cycle again. But I feel ok-ish about it now. I think partly because I have seen her most recent profile picture and she looks like a DOG! Ok I know slightly bitchy? But I am allowed to aren't I?

So much has gone on in the last year. Out of 12 months I have probably spent close to 1 month of that in hospital. 2 weeks were to do with my knee but I have probably spent more than a week in as of self harm and suicide attempts or the resulting infection.

Uni is good. I enjoy placement but I do have my concerns. I am worried about written work. Especially now Sam has questionned my fitness for the course. It's made me question it. I do wonder if I am deluding myself about it. I have questionned myself so many times over it. I know I just need to keep on with it. I am passing and that is what matters. Ok, it's not what I would like but the way things are it looks like I will get my Masters. I know I have another year at it but things seem to be going ok. Uni are happy with me. I should stop being so hard on myself I suppose.

I am dreading tomorrow. I have to tell me practice educator about what has been going on. I don't want it coming out at mid point review in the week and it being the first she has heard about it. So explanations tomorrow. JOY!

I think tomorrow will be a hard day for me as it does mark a year since the day I went away. A day I remember being full knowing what freedom I had. I don't have that anymore.

Oh and incase you were wondering, if you have got this far...my nephew did remember me. The day after I got back my mum was looking after him. I went downstairs. He was in his high chair having breakfast. He looked at me. Stared at me for a second not quite sure then all of a sudden he squeeled with laughter and put his arms up to come to me. Awwwww, it makes me emotional thinking about it.

And the other ending point...no naked days happen, nor naked weeks, months, hours or anything. Lol. Of course I shower and get dressed but I don't refer to anything as "naked..."

xxxxx



Ramblings.

Woken up feeling anxious and just generally irritated. I slept fine. I have not been irritated yet. I just feel really on edge and awful.

Going out for dinner today as a whole family including 2 nephews. It should be nice. It's going to be noisy. My already very loud dad when around the kids gets a million times worse. I prefer seeing my nephews on their own when my Dad isn't around. It's just too much chaos. I am quite glad when I can escape back to the solitude of my room. It's not my nephews as I love them loads and they can come round and scream and shout (not that they do) but it's my Dad who just makes me feel awful.

I am having serious doubts about my ability to do the course. OK, I am passing coursework but I am not happy with the results. I'm putting so much bloody effort in and only just passing. In my first degree I didn't really try. I put minimum effort in and was getting average marks. In the end I came out with a 2.2. I was hoping with this if I was putting effort in I would be coming out with Merit's 60% plus. It's making me feel quite pants really.

I don't know if I should go back to hardly any effort and procrastinate and then pull an all nighter the day before. It doesn't help that everyone on the course is doing better than me. I seem to be in the lower area. I know it shouldn't matter what everyone else gets as long as I pass. But it does. I want to be getting the results for my effort but I'm not. I have not mentioned to to anyone before but I am not happy with the academic side of it. I enjoy it. I find it interesting but I'm really worried about results. I have not mentioned it as I feel it would give them further fuel to me coming off the course for a while. I have spoken to course director about it and she said she has no concerns about my academic work. As long as I am passing is what matters.

So this morning after I've had my skittles (purple, then green, then yellow then orange and lastly red) for breakfast...I know healthy right. I am going to hit the books. This afternoon after dinner I am going to hit the books. No drink for me today. I need a clear head to do uni work.

Also it's an excuse not to drink. I want to give this Quetapine chance to work and because I have to do uni work and get up tomorrow I don't know how alcohol will effect it so I don't want to be taking it on a school night. I don't want to be on meds at all but I feel as though I have to comply with something they want other wise that again is adding fuel to the fire.

Sam is going to find out for me what is going on. I never think to ask what is happening in appointments and get clarification on things. I always forget what happened as well. Sam has offered to come with me next time. Before I have wanted to do it on my own and keep things separate. But if Sam is offering to do all these things for me and with me, I do think it would be in my best interests to take the support that is being offered.

I'm still waiting to hear from key worker/CCO. I'm not sure what or who it will be just that I am getting one.  I just hope that it's not a social worker. But there is a good chance it could be.

At the moment I seem to be blogging quite a bit. I suppose I am using it as a distractor and as a tool of procrastination.

Now before I start on the uni work do I have a shower and get ready to go out so when people get here in a couple of hours I am ready or do I do an hour or so uni work and then shower. Or do I mong around on the net for a while, check facebook, email, sf, talk to a few friends, moan some more about uni, shower then realise I only have 30 minutes....

You know what it will probably be the latter! I did get up yesterday though and go to the library.

xxx

Letter to Gom's Mum.

Dear Anne,

My mum said she bumped in to you today Anne and she said that you said you missed me. I want you to know the feeling is mutual. I miss you all so much and I saw you as my own family. It was so sweet what you said about wanting to give me a hug. Especially as in the 9 years I knew you we only ever hugged once. That was on that horrible Saturday that Gom threw me out. I feel that I haven't just lost my best friend that I had in Gom but also 3 other members of my family.

I have been thinking about you quite a bit recently. Sounds stupid but I wonder if Meg your dog is still alive as she was getting on a bit. I wonder how Charles' (Gom's Dad) Dad is. I liked him. He was a sweet old man. Really thoughtful. I have also thought of your mum of course. I wonder how she is, and if she is happy now Gom and I are no longer together. She never liked me and Gom told me how she gave him some money once I had moved out.

My mum said that you said how you hoped you would bump in to me. I sort of feel the same. I don't really want to get in contact as I think it would upset me and I haven't been in contact with you since May when I found out that Gom was now going out with someone else. I didn't want it to seem as though I was fishing for info or trying to get at Gom in another way. I feel bad for not keeping in contact more, but then I suppose it's normal isn't it when a relationship breaks down. I don't know what I would say to you if I saw you. I have been in your area quite a bit through my placement over the past few days. I keep an eye out for you when I am driving around. I went in to Morrisons today in my lunch break but I didn't see anyone I know. I suppose it's unlikely I'd bump in to you as I think in all the years we lived only a mile away from each other we only ever bumped in to each other once in the supermarket.

I really miss Sundays and coming to yours for dinner. It was a nice family thing and I liked the way we would moan at our men being the same...like father like son.

I miss Charles also. He always made me laugh. I liked the way that Gom and him bonded over football and stuff like decorating and car stuff.

How is Martine. I know I deleted her on Facebook. It was nothing she had done but I didn't want constant reminders about Gom and seeing photos of him and another girl was just not healthy for me. Where is she working now? How did she do in her PGCE?  I never actually said anything to Gom, but I also envied the relationship you had with Martine. I wish I had the same relationship with my mum.

I loved the way you always included me when it came to things like Christmas. I felt so relaxed at yours and coming round to visit was never a chore. I actually used to suggest it to Gom in the week when we were thinking of something to do and I used to suggest coming to yours.

I know that you must know of some of the problems I had with my Mental Health as Gom would have told you. I know that you know that I had problems. I think I am finally getting to the route of them now. I know I never talked about them with you but I know you knew. I don't think you know the extent of them but I wont go in to details and I wont tell you about what has happened since Gom and I broke up. It's not fair, you don't want to hear it so I wont tell you.

So I started my Masters course in September. It's going well. Really hard work and I am so skint all the time as the bursary doesn't go very far. When they said full time they weren't joking. My Psychology degree was supposed to be full time but I was in 6 hours a week and never did work for the lectures. This is full time and some. So I am still living with the parents who drive me insane, but I am so busy I spend a lot of time in my room reading for uni. At the moment I am on placement so I am spending my evenings working on work stuff. I have spent most of tonight trying to find a house for a client so I have been emailing about that. It's hard work but I am really enjoying it. I can really get my teeth stuck in to it. I am a little worried about it being too much and me not being able to turn off. I know I shouldn't be looking up houses for her in my own time but it saves me doing it tomorrow so I can actually concentrate on other clients and getting things sorted for this one.

As you know I went travelling for 3 months. It was amazing. It was a bit scary being in Bangkok when there were riots going off but I managed to avoid most the trouble. I left on the morning of the worst riots where loads of people were killed. It all over spilled on to the road I was staying on. It would have been quite scary. I had an amazing time and I did not want to come home. I actually considered getting a job out there and staying a bit longer. But as it happens I suppose I was quite lucky coming home when I did. Not sure if you know but I ended up in hospital about 2 weeks after getting back and I was in for nearly 2 weeks. I fell off a motorbike (although my parents and family think push bike) and smashed my knee up pretty badly. 3 months later (yeah in true Mental101 style I did it on my 2nd day in to the trip) it hadn't healed, was really infected and I was really ill. The infection spread to my blood. Was a horrible few days that was. But the best diet in the world.

Any way. There is not much else left to say.

I really miss you guys and wish there was someway that we could keep in contact without it being weird as of Gom.

Love you.

xxxxx

Musings!

The nurse I see at the organisation I go to for self harm said I should try writing in here more often as like a diary. It seems to be going ok. Although I am worried that I am making problems out of things that I didn't see as problems before. We talk about quite a lot of things and I will mention something that I don't seem to be that bothered by or don't think it's affecting me much and the way she reacts to it makes me think that it's not normal and it is a problem and then I analyse it and think it is a problem. Maybe they were to start off with and my way of dealing with things is not to see them as problems. Without actually saying what it is it's hard to explain. One example is how my mum tells me stuff about her relationship with my Dad that I just don't need to know. I don't want her confiding in me about things. Ok, it does bother me but I have never really put that much thought in to it. I mentioned something in the session and it seemed as though it was made in to a bigger thing.

I think it's me looking at things the wrong way. My way of dealing with things is not good and I overlook the importance of things so that I don't get weighed down with every thing. But obviously subconsciously I am, otherwise why would I be self harming? I do really like the person I see. I can see her helping quite a bit. She is not patronising at all and seems to understand where I am coming from. She doesn't just sit there in silence and not say anything. I am finding it hard and I feel so drained after a session. I get quite anxious about them also. It is making me realise some of the reasons why I self harm and why I feel like I do. A lot of it I had not really addressed before and didn't understand why I do what I do. The only thing I am concerned about is making bigger issues of what is already there. I seem to have quite a lot of issues with my family and I am quite concerned that if I understand these then I may resent them. But then at the same time I know I can't continue with the self harming etc. It's making me aware of all these issues and I am not sure if it is the right thing to be doing. I think I will have to bring it up with her next time I see her.

One of the issues that I haven't discussed with her yet (I'm going to have to give her a name as it feels rude to refer to people as she and her...so from now on it's Sam) is how a lot of the time my mum puts me down. Especially when comparing me to my eldest brother. It's little comments and they really hurt. We were talking about private schools the other day and she was saying how my eldest brother would have passed the exams to go to the school as he was intelligent etc and then she went on to say how I would have never had passed as I am not as intelligent. There is often little remarks and they just leave me feeling inferior and stupid. I know I am not as when looking at exam marks etc I did as well at GCSE, better in my A Levels, the same in my degree. I am really close to my eldest brother and I would class him as one of my best friends and so I try not to get upset about it but it's quite disenheartening when you are often told you can't do something or I wouldn't have been able to do something as I wasn't intelligent enough. I feel really bad for even writing it down as I have only ever thought it before yet writing it and actually thinking about it in some detail is making me quite upset. I feel as though I have stabbed my brother in the back somehow. Am I being self obsessed?

Speaking of being self obsessed, my mum and I had an argument last night. I had an assignment due in today and I asked my mum for help last night. She was pissed again. She was not supposed to be drinking until Easter. So her new years resolution lasted less than a week. I am quite worried about what the parents drink. About 3-4 times a week they drink at least 3 bottles of wine a night between them. It's not just what it does to their health but I can't stand being around them when they are pissed. My Dad just becomes annoying and tries to be funny. My Mum, well, she becomes aggressive, hostile and nasty. So last night I was pissed off at her as it was the 3rd night running where they had had a lot to drink. I was pissed off as the night before they were supposed to be looking after my nephew and ok I was in but what if I wasn't. When I have kids I am not letting them stay here if they are going to be drinking. I know they wait for him to go to bed, but still. It's not fair on him. What if he wakes up in the night and then they don't hear him as they are too drunk. I know his mum and dad drink while he is in the house but it's their choice to do that, they are his parents. And to be fair my sister-in-law doesn't drink that much anymore as she knows she has to get up in the morning with him. Anyway, I asked my mum for help with part of the assignment and it had only been an hour since I had been upstairs doing work and when I came down they had had 2 bottles of wine already. I made a comment about the amount they drink. She then laid in to me saying I was being self obsessed and that it wasn't a problem and then made the comment "well at least when we drink we don't do stupid stuff like you have done". Referring to the night they know about where I self harmed. How low can you get? I was really upset so came up to my room.

She comes storming up after me saying how I was being self obsessed and stupid for being upset. No apology and still no apology the next day. She just walked in to my room while I was trying to work and so I told her to piss off as I wasn't going to speak to her while she was pissed. So she leaves and does the same thing again saying I am out of order and having a go at me again. I ended up leaving the house and going to uni to finish my assignment. While i was there I got missed calls from her and a really horrible voicemail. I am still pissed off about it. I know in some respects she is right about it being self obsessed as part of the reason why I hate them drinking is because of what it does to their mood and attitudes. I wasn't pissed off because she was of no use helping me but because she was pissed again! So yes, selfish in some respects, but I am worried about how much they drink. It's stupid. I know I have problems with drink. But at least I can admit to it. And, since November when it all happened I have not drunk anywhere near as much. I have managed to calm down on it and stop drinking when I feel as though I have had enough. Am I still self harming, yes! So it proves that it is not the drink causing it. I have cut down a lot on what I drink and quite often go a week without drinking.

I am actually getting angry as I write this now.

Different subject...

So I had a trip to A+E today. I went for x-ray on my arm as of the needle in it. I didn't say I knew what it was as I don't want people at the hospital knowing it was self harm that went wrong/too far. Anyway, it's still hurting quite a bit so I was sent from my G.P for an X-ray. You can see it clearly on there. The X-ray department sent me down to A+E. I thought they would just send it back to my GP and he would decide where to go. I really didn't want to go to A+E as I know a lot of the staff now. In fact the nurse I saw first was one who I have seen a few times (as he said). He even said to me "I've seen you a few times haven't I"? I can only remember seeing him once but who knows. I am usually crap with faces but I remembered him as he is really cute! Anyway, the A+E staff said it needed to come out and they were going to do it there but it is too deep so am being referred back to my GP who will refer me to surgeons. I don't think he will though. Think he just wants to leave it. So I don't know what will happen there.

Had some marks back on work from uni also. I had a mark back on my first assignment. TBH I was quite disappointed. I spent hours and hours on the bloody thing. Have never put so much effort in to a piece of academic work. Turns out I only just passed it. So I was quite upset with that. I was given decent feedback so I knew where I had gone wrong and hopefully I can improve on my written work. I have also had a mark back for an exam I did. I was happy with that mark. I did quite well. The only thing I was let down about was my friends have done quite a bit better than me. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. I want to be the best at things and so I get quite let down in myself when other people have done quite a bit better. But I have to keep remembering I have passed. Of course I want my friends to do well, it's just that I want to do better. I am very competitive see.

I have not taken my meds in a while. I am worried that I will sink again but I can't get on with these new ones. I know I shouldn't have been but I was taking the Mirtazapine at the same time as them and so I was sleeping well at night. However, I have now run out of them and only have the Duloxetine. If I take them in the morning the nausea is unbearable. So I have been taking them at night but then I can't sleep. I have been on them about 6 weeks now and the side effects should have subsided but they haven't. So I have stopped taking them. I will mention it to the GP when I go back in a few days. I don't want to go on those other ones the Psychiatrist said as I don't think they will work. Clinical studies have shown they are no better than a placebo. I know these ones have improved my mood but I can't sleep on them. It's driving me mad. I am so tired all the time. Grrrr!

I have an appointment tomorrow with I think a psychologist. It's one that I was referred to by that waste of time Psychiatrist. I don't know if I have it in me to open up to someone else. I am finding it really hard with Sam but I am getting there and I like her. Sam has said it can be counter productive to have two things on the go at once. I know I want to continue to see her as I know over time I will be able to trust her. So I have sort of written this off before they have even offered me anything. I have the appointment tomorrow morning, I will be honest with her and tell her how I am feeling and see what she suggests. If she suggests a group then I will just laugh at her. I don't do groups!

I start back at uni tomorrow also. I am quite looking forward to it. I need to take my mind off things and need a focus elsewhere. The past few days all I can think of is Gom moving spaz features in. It's my house. I chose it with Gom when he brought it, it's my cat that lives there. He was brought for me. I want the cat back. The parents don't like cats though and we have a dog so there is no way we can have him here. And I want to avoid contact with Gom as much as I can. I have not seen him in over 9 months now. Yet it's still tearing me a part.

Ok, realised this blog had kinda ripped one of my new years resolutions of being more positive. But everyone needs a moan every now and again, and I have not blogged in nearly 2 weeks.

I'll try and be more positive in the next one!

xxx

A New Year, A New Start.

Thought with this being the last day of the year I would write about this year gone by the low lights and the highlights. If I start off with the low and that will mean I end on a positive note...see I am trying out this whole new being positive thing.

Low Lights -

The nasty break up with Gom - Obs I have written about this loads and it has affected me massively, but I will try and put a positive spin on it and although doesn't feel like it now I know one day I will fall in love with someone else and get over him.

Moving back in with the parents - although it hasn't been anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be I would still rather have my own space. I want to be able to drink when I want, self harm when I want, do what I want and not be tied down.

Being in hospital with an unknown illness for 2 weeks - Nothing that was due to self harm, just incredibly ill with D+V. On the plus side...a great diet! I mean a stone and a half in 10days great kind of diet!

Sinking in to depression and self harm again - If you have read my other posts you will see that I got bad again. To put a positive spin on moving back in with parents, I do actually think had I been living on my own I would have tried killing myself and would have self harmed a lot more than I did. I have not cut deeply since November. I have self harmed but not requiring hospital treatment. The pills the psych has me on, I think are possibly doing some good. I don't feel so bad all the time and I have days that are good days. This is not to say that there are not days where I don't want to get out of bed or feel like crying all day, just that those days are not as often. I seem to have more control over it. Which of course is good news. But, I know I am close, I know push me too much and I will be back over on to the other side. Too much has gone off for me to not be so fragile. I do feel quite guilty saying this. I know there are people out there who have dealt with much worse things than me and it seems as though people should be saying to me "get a grip girl"! I do still want to self harm so much. I am going to try not to though!

I think that is it for low points...I suppose they are pretty big things that have lasted more than one day and are ongoing but it's not that bad really.

Highlights -

Landing in Bangkok on my own - such a sense of freedom going travelling for 3 months. No ties and just the immense feeling of freedom (ok, 2 days later I fell off a motorbike and smashed my knee up pretty badly and got infected which they think it was that making me ill 3 months later but it was worth it!)!

Songkran - Thai New Year. I am not really a fan of new year over here. But in Thailand it happens in April and is basically a 3 day waterfight. Amazing. So much fun. Was dancing on KSR in Bangkok with a water gun firing ice cold water at people. Everyone was in a great mood and even the riots that killed people were stopped for Songkran.

Maya Bay - The Beach. If you have seen the film The Beach, well this was where it was set. To get to it it was a proper expedition. First had to swim about 50metres over rocks and where the waves were hitting the caves and sucking underneath. Then had to climb over the rocks by this rickerty ladder and then down the other side. We then had to walk through jungle before coming out the other side on to The Beach. It was stunning. No beaches I have ever seen have come anywhere near close. I've seen lots of beaches in nice places such as Thailand (ok this is in Thailand but in other areas of Thailand), Goa and everywhere. It was amazing. We were quite lucky also as there were not many other people around even though it's a massive tourist hot spot.

Ko Phi Phi - Lovely island, a little touristy but great vibe to it. Got a drunken tattoo here and had a one night stand with a latin american guy. They do not live up to their reputation as being great lovers! In fact he was pretty crap!

Hugging real life tigers! - They were not drugged just tame. It was amazing. Such powerful animals and also my favourite animal. The experience rated up there with a sky dive I did a few years ago.

Vang Vieng, Laos - Very tourist orientated but lovely place. Where else can you have so much fun. It's an adults adventure playground.

Cambodia - I went to Cambodia about 6 years ago and loved it. I loved everything about it. So I wanted to spend some more time there. I loved it again. I would say it's my favourite country in Asia. I love how resilient it is and how it has recovered after the Khmer Rouge. I love the people, they are so friendly. I love everything about it.

Starting Uni - I came out of my first degree in Psychology not really knowing where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do. It took a year of working in a Psychiatric unit for me to decide I wanted to be a social worker. To be honest, when I made the application it was based on the hours. I hated working nights and so did not want to be a nurse. So I chose the Social Work route. However, since actually making the application I have looked in to it more and have decided I would be much better suited to this career. I can't wait to get started in it properly.

Becoming and Aunty for the 2nd time - My second nephew was born just before xmas. He is lovely and looks exactly like his brother. I haven't mentioned his brother in here so far as he was born in 2009 and this is 2010. But I am so lucky that I am able to spend time with my nephews and have them in my life as they are amazing.

So, what do I want from 2011.
- To have a more positive outlook
- To carry on with counselling etc to try and help me with the self harm etc
- To become more healthy. I need to lose some weight and start doing exercise.

I'll just say 3 things as I am not very good when have big lists.

Any way - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!

Bahhhh Humbug!

I'm just not looking forward to Xmas this year. What do I have to look forward to. Actually I was the same last year. Xmas just no longer does it for me. Last year I had a boyfriend though, someone Else's family I could escape to. You see my family like to drink. Not just a couple but far too much that results in arguments and broken things. For the past few years I have been able to escape it all. I used to stay with his parents Xmas eve, wake up with them and do presents and then leave him with his family all day and then I would come back to mine. Do presents and dinner and then go back to his house in the evening. Perfect.

I like a drink too but not so much that I can't play games etc. Xmas should be about playing board games etc. Not drinking so much that arguments start and falling asleep.


I said last year to my boyfriend at the time that we should go on holiday over Xmas as I really didn't enjoy it last year. It's all too much. It's noisy and just annoying. The run up to Xmas gets me also. The shops get stupidly busy, people get annoying etc etc etc. Then there is people who put their decorations up really early...why??? As I drive around and from what I have seen by some of my friends on facebook people already have their decorations up. If it were up to me I wouldn't bother this year, I didn't last year either. But I live with my parents and my mum will want a tree etc. I can't see the point. I wouldn't actually be bothered if Xmas was cancelled this year. This year it will be even more pathetic. There will only be 4 of us for dinner! Some dinner that will be. I have said to my Mum that she shouldn't bother going to the effort of doing a dinner and we should go out somewhere. But then there's the issue with my Dad and he wont want to do that and we must all keep him happy.

I have my second nephew due just before Xmas and that's great. I am looking forward to meeting him. But because of the timing that newbie my brother and his partner want a quiet one with just her family and them. I don't blame them. For the past 4 years she has had to put up with my mad family. She's going to be knackered so why should she have to put up with the moodiness etc. We went to their house last year and it was lovely. But this year it's just my parents and me and my other brother. Who hasn't properly spoken to my Dad since a family holiday in August which went tits up. So you can see the fun I am bound to have there. I am considering actually getting a shift and working Xmas!!!! But then that would just leave the 3 of them.

I think if it wasn't for the fact that newbie will be making his arrival shortly I would have badgered someone in to going away somewhere hot. I would spend Xmas day by a pool/in the pool reading. The fact that I don't have a boyfriend doesn't help things either. Is it bad though that it's not him I will miss this year it's the idea of him and having somewhere else to escape to. Who am I kidding? Of course I miss him. I think about him most of the time even though I have not actually seen him in nearly 8 months! He is with someone else now and has been with her since April time so it must be love. We were not good for each other and I do want him to be happy...just not this soon. But I keep having images of his new girlfriend sitting around playing board games with his family in my spot. Her there Xmas morning opening presents with them all, going to the panto with them. I want to hate her. I don't like her I know that. Well I don't as I have never met this girl. She could be lovely for all I know...I have heard on the grapevine she is quite dull though and this is from 2 different sources. I know I couldn't ever get back with GOM. Not now, too much has happened and I know that I would be doing so for the wrong reasons and if we did we would only break up again when we hit a rough patch. It could never last between us. Also, I have too much pride; there is only so many times you can go crying on your friends and families shoulders about him.

So, cancel Xmas please. Or put me in a coma from now until Jan 7th when everything returns to normal. I don't like new year either. Why does everyone feel the need to go out and force them selves in to having a great time and spending a fortune as everywhere puts their prices up, you spend ages queuing to get in to crap places as everywhere is packed. You also have to pay a cover charge on these crap places. A taxi home costs more than double what it usually does and then you are queuing a life time for that also. So Bahhhhhh Humbug to it all!!!

Random Blabberings of a Crazy Fool!

Don't know why I feel like blogging but I do. I came home early from uni as can't face it today. I am so tired. Can't concentrate on it. Not missed anything important anyway. So this afternoon I plan on napping and then doing some work this afternoon.

So. I was thinking. Maybe I do have a bad relationship with alcohol. The nurse at the hospital I'll call him Mike keeps saying it to me and possibly I am avoiding it. I was thinking about it and the thing is I don't want to give up drinking. I enjoy drinking. What does that mean? I use it in a bad way at times though and that is what needs to be addressed. I never crave drink, yet it has got me in to trouble on occasions. Like ending up in hospital as of it; sometimes drinking so much that I am unconscious. That is not normal. I know that. So, as much as pains me to do it I have gone and approached an organisation (not alcoholics anonymous) that makes an assessment of you and your drinking habits and if they find it to be a problem will go through things with you. Last time I went to them I was drinking a lot more and could see that it was a problem. I think this time it is because I am not drinking as much I don't see it to be a problem. But it obviously is! Last time I went there they said I was dependant on alcohol and was close to becoming an alcoholic with the amounts I was drinking. Drinking gives me confidence which I don't usually have. I think that's why I am quite reluctant to go. I mean I am quite outspoken anyway, but only if I am not standing up in front of other people and doing it. In clubs I wont dance etc unless I have been drinking. Also I hate being around drunk people if I have not had a drink myself. The problems I have here is that most of my social life revolves around going out with friends to pubs and clubs so the drinking is inevitable.

I suppose what I need to do really is find other ways to get self confidence. I think the first one would be to lose some weight. The thing is when I am depressed as I am now it is a viscous circle and I eat crap for comfort. Then because I have no confidence I also drink. Grrrr....not really a way out that I can see there.

I don't want to carry on feeling like this. I hate feeling as though I am constantly carrying around a head full of issues and problems. It's even got to the stage now where I don't want to live like this and have considered suicide. Although, what stops me here is I know that this is a permanent solution to a possible temporary problem. Well it may not feel like it but there must be something that I can do, something I can do with the right support. In other words it's fixable. It's not something that has to stay with me for the rest of my life. Another thing is I feel like such a hypocrite if I do go and kill my self (OK I know that doesn't quite sound right but bare with me here). What I mean is, for the past 2 years of working in mental health I have worked with suicidal people and talked to them about it and offered them support. Talking them round, saying to them that although doesn't seem like it at the moment things can and will get better but it will take some hard work etc etc. So if I go and do something stupid like that it's basically telling them (although they would never know) don't listen to me as what I say is a load of crap! Yet, why do I keep having the feelings of being suicidal, thinking of ways in which I could do so to make it look like an accident? The mind is a strange and scary place isn't it?

So, basically my family now knows I am suffering with depression and also have self harmed. They don't know the extent of the SH just that it has happened a couple of times (I think it's on a weekly basis pretty much at the moment but they don't know that) and that I am struggling. They are worried that Friday night was a suicide attempt as if no one would have found me I would have died. But not just that they think that because I cut deep enough to require stitches that in itself is an attempt at suicide. I didn't want to tell them that cutting your self is not the way to do it and wouldn't be my method of choice but thought that would worry them more. So I just laughed at them, said it wasn't and left it at that.

Anyway, on to a lighter note. X-Factor!!!!!

Who are these people. They are useless. I only really like Matt Cardle, he's cute and he can sing and he has something about him that airs a vulnerability. Wagner, well he is just this years Jedward. You either love him or you hate him. He can't sing for shit but I suppose it's slapstick entertainment. You (I say you but I don't know if anyone actually reads this or if they do it will have got this far) may hate me for saying this but I really don't like Rebbecca F. I don't like her voice and all the songs she sings sound the same as her voice is so unique. Would you really want to listen to a whole album of it? I have also seen on Facebook that there is a group along the lines of "getting rid of chlamidhya is easier than getting rid of Katie Waissel". Now with her, I don't actually know why I don't like her but there is something about her I just don't like. I don't know how many times she has been in the bottom 2 now but doesn't this indicate to the judges that the public don't like her and she would not do well as an artist as she just isn't getting the votes. Why keep her in. And I must admit although I am 26 I kind of had a small crush on Aiden. He was gorgeous!

I am not one of these who votes and this is only the 3rd season I have watched X-Factor. And usually I have to point out I don't watch reality TV as can't usually stand it, but I suppose like Robbie Williams being my music guilty pleasure this is my TV one.

Speaking of Robbie Williams...how good is Take That now he is back in it. I loved them when I was about 9 but actually Mark was my favourite and wasn't that keen on Robbie. I was quite sad when they split but not suicidal like some were. I started to like Robbie when I was about 13 and sort of fell in love with him. Between 13-16 my bedroom was a shrine to him and I have all his albums. I was watching X-Factor last night with them on and they all work together so well and really seem to enjoy what they do on stage. It was brilliant watching them perform all together again. I wish now that I had tickets for the tour. It's weird how as you get older your tastes change. As I said Mark used to be my favourite when I was young. But watching them last night I realised he wasn't that nice. Howard and Jason were scrummy and of course Robbie, you are still my favourite!

I have brought my first CD album in ages (usually I just download from Limewire - I know illegal but music is so expensive but I have now stopped as don't know where I can get it from as Limewire under court order now), this being Take That's new album Progress. Can't wait to get it through the post! YAY!!!!