Tuesday, 20 August 2013

I Want To Live. I Don't Want To Die.

It's taken a bit of a health scare to realise this. But I can now see that I want to go back to university. I want to qualify as a Social Worker. I want to work in mental health and go on to become an AMHP. I eventually want to get married. I want to have kids. I want to live my life.

Basically, this is what has happened...

Since April time I have had one pupil quite a bit larger than the other. When I saw an optician she pointed it out and said I should see my GP. I thought I would just be told it was the stress and was because of what I put my body through when I nearly died. But, the GP referred me to Opthamology. I was referred over 2 months ago and the appointment was today. I thought of cancelling it because I didn't really see it as much of an issue any more. But I decided to go to the appointment thinking I'll be in and out in 5 minutes.

The opthamologist looked at it and said it looked like something called Horner's Syndrome which could be indicative of respiritory track problems, including what's called a Pancoast Tumour. She said it was quite rare the Horner's syndrome but they would need to test for it. She said I wasn't really displaying typical symptoms of the syndrome but she would check for it. So she put some eye drops in and off I went for an hour while they did their job. I looked it up while I was off getting breakfast and didn't really think anything of it as there were a whole host of other symptoms with it and I only had one.

But, when I got back in the room, she tested my pupils again and said that there was a positive result for this Horner's syndrome. I was quite surprised. She said she didn't want to worry me too much but she was going to have to arrange for some scans, x-rays and blood tests as the Horner's Syndrome is acquired as a result of something else. These things include things like a Pancoast Tumour (a lung cancer), MS, Aortic Aneurysm, Thyroid Carcinoma, carotic artery dissection among a whole host of other problems. There could also be other things such as an infection (but being as though I have had a recent course of antibiotics that would be unlikely), trauma (again unlikely as I have not had any trauma to my neck). She said the Pancoast tumour is the biggest worry.

Of course it could be something as straight forward as Adie's Pupil of which there is no treatment but at the same time it doesn't cause any problems.

But she said she had to do the checks for everything.

It probably is nothing, but being told you are being tested for a possible lung cancer is worrying. I am trying to be positive, Yeah, I know I smoke, but I am not even 30. Surly too young for a lung cancer to develop, and I am not a heavy smoker. But, I did look it up. I know I probably shouldn't have done. But you want to know every possibility don't you. And it said some worrying things. Loss of voice is one of them. I have put it down to the trauma of being intubated while on ICU for a week. But that was nearly 5 months ago. I was told the affects of that would only last around 4 weeks, and yet my voice is still hoarse and not right. And it's stopped getting better. Maybe, what started as a side effect of the intubation is actually the result of something else? Also breathlessness is another one. I have noticed when I exert myself I am getting very wheezy and struggle. I thought maybe, and it possibly is asthma. I was told when I was younger I had it and maybe it's just that flaring up. Also, I smoke so I am probably going to get wheezy when I really exert myself. But, saying that, even in the past when I have been more unfit and bigger I was never as bad as I have been recently.

I suppose when you read something scary about something that's a possibility you attribute every thing wrong with you to it don't you? It is probably nothing and I am getting worried about nothing or something just routine. Is it human nature to think the worst or is it just me being pessimistic?

Another thing that is really getting to me is if it is one of those Pancoast tumours, then survival rates are historically not that fantastic. Usually less than 50% of people survive 5 years past diagnosis. So, if it is that it could be fatal. And look how much of my life I have have wasted and how many times have I tried to actually kill myself.

Yes, I know it's probably nothing and I am probably being over dramatic.

So, uni stuff.

I have had an email saying that my fitness to practice assessment will be on the 4th September and I need to write a report for it it. They want to know the dates I have been in hospital and what I am doing now. I was really hoping they wouldn't ask me that. I was hoping they would just be asking me why I thought I was ready to go back and what help I was getting now. I didn't want them to know that I have been in hospital relatively recently. I just hope they don't question what lead up to the admissions. How can I put a positive spin on I took a massive overdose, I was in a coma for a week and very nearly died and only a few months ago. Oh and then I discharged myself from the hospital as I thought I knew better. And it's not the first time I have discharged myself as back in October I was in for a week, discharged myself after a large OD and ended up back in only a few days later after 2 136's and another OD which again nearly killed me.

So that put me in a bit of a spin last Tuesday and got very emotional over it all. I got very pessimistic over it thinking what was the point and that I should just give in and not bother as I wasn't going to get back on the course anyway.

My family haven't exactly been the most supportive over it. They say things like that maybe I am not cut out for it and I shouldn't be doing it. I should do something in the travel industry as I like travelling etc. I do, but working in it involves sales usually which I do not want to do. I want to be a social worker. I want to work in mental health. I went and did my A levels 11 years ago in Psychology because I wanted to work in the mental health field. I wanted to do it even before my own problems started. I don't want to do anything else.

So, I am in a bit of a mess. I am not self harming and the urges aren't strong. But I am feeling quite stressed and a bit all over the place. I just want to get everything sorted out. I want to do the course and I want to live  my life as I planned to live it all those years ago!

Monday, 12 August 2013

Don't Want To Boast Too Soon But...

Things have improved since last week. Yay. Bit tentative about it at the moment as could just be the last couple of days I have had. To say last week I was really struggling with the urges and I was in a right mess. Well, it's not like that now. I wouldn't say I am happy. But, things have levelled out on more of an even keel.

It's not as though I have done anything different, it's just got better.

I asked my CPN about going back on Quetiapine on Thursday. I spoke on the phone to her on Friday, she said she had spoken to Dr T and he had said he would prescribe a weeks worth as PRN at a max of 25mg a day. I laughed. I was on 300mg a day before. 25mg will do nothing. I said I'd try it though as was better than nothing. But then I forgot all about it on Friday and didn't go and get it. I was a bit worried that I wouldn't have any thing over the weekend and there was no one to speak to other than crisis team. But as it turned out I didn't need it.

I started to feel better Friday evening and I had a pretty chilled weekend. I saw friends Saturday night and we all got in to bed and watched a film while gorging on fruit. And Sunday I went for a walk up a big hill in the countryside. I found it really hard work, really strenuous and could only go about 10 paces before stopping, and it was a bit of a scramble but I was determined to get to the top. I was quite proud of myself when I looked up the walk I did when I got home and it is classed as strenuous. For me it really was, but for normal people it would have been a lot easier. But yeah, I felt good for doing it. And I was rewarded with nice views from the top.

Each evening I have had a nice healthy dinner, cleaned up, got in my PJ's early and put a film on. I have been in bed early with a book. A part from the horrible awake nightmare/hallucination on Friday night which really freaked me out. I have had a few these last couple of weeks which have bothered me, but this was more real. Usually they are things like faces in the window, or inanimate things coming to life. This was something real and it scared me even more so than usual.

But, I have slept better and I feel better.

I am quite happy as my down time only lasted a couple of weeks and I seem to be coming out of it already. It's quite a fast turn around for me.

Don't get me wrong, I am not back to normal completely. I am still having quite bad urges. But the last couple of days I haven't been over taken by them they have been dealt with quite easily. I do now have regret about my cutting last week. I am reminded by it all the time as of the amount of stitches I have. I did all but one of them over old scars to reduce further scaring. But, I did it and that is what is important. I feel let down with myself and I do regret doing it.

I don't feel bad about it when I swallow stuff. I know that could potentially cause me more damage and even kill me, but I never feel bad about it. It doesn't leave any mark. Well, except the huge scar on my stomach going from navel to chest from where I had to have emergency surgery. But that was once and there has been numerous times.

Yes, I have a weird fucked up mind don't I?!

Friday, 9 August 2013

Meeting With CPN

So, I met with my CPN yesterday. It was kind of helpful. I told her how I had been feeling. Also that I had self harmed the night before. She asked how I was feeling about doing it. I said I felt a bit weird. In a way I was feeling bad because I wasn't feeling bad about it. Usually after I get feelings of remorse and there wasn't any this time, or the time before.

I told her how I was worried that all of this was going to screw up my chances of being able to go back to uni. She said she wondered if there was some unconscious thing going off in that I was in a way sabotaging it. She said at the moment it was all out of my control, that these decisions are being made and there is nothing I can really do about it. By me self harming etc it is giving me back some control and that if I do get a no it will be because of something I have done. Well, I think it went like that anyway.

She said I had a lot of stuff going on at the moment so it was not that surprising I wasn't feeling great. I was putting it down to not sleeping and a heavy week on the drink while I was on holiday. But she said I had got all this stuff with uni, my debts and stuff with my family. This on top of not sleeping, it's no surprise I am struggling.

I said I was really annoyed as I feel as though I am getting somewhere and on the road to recovery, hadn't self harmed in over a month and had no urges to and then it all seems as though I am back where I started and I was worried things would spiral again. I didn't say it, but I know how this usually works for me. It starts off feeling crap, the self harm starts and then after a while the suicidal feelings return. It happens every time. She said I wasn't back where I started and I had changed in the last couple of years. She said a couple of years ago I wasn't able to attribute anything to the self harm or feeling like I was, but now I could see patterns. I said that other people may see that, but to me all I see is that I feel the same as I was then and that is all that mattered to me. While that may be the case, I still feel like I did and that is what is important.

I asked about going back on Quetiapine. She asked why and I said that while I am on it I seem to feel a bit calmer and less impulsive. She said she wasn't sure about it as when I was on it, historically the self harm and suicide attempts were still happening. So she wasn't sure if that would help. She started saying how they all felt that medication was not the answer. I said yes, I agreed with that but it helped, so why not? I know it's not going to fix everything but if it helps then why not try it. It's not as though it's causing me any damage is it?

So she said she would see me next week as I am not seeing the psychologist for another couple of weeks. But I realised after I probably won't be able to make the appointment as I have told my friend I would pick her up from the airport and I don't want to let her down. I have tried calling her this morning to see if I can change it, but I doubt I will be able to change it.

So I went on a date last night. It was awful. I think I am going to give up and become a crazy cat lady. I already have the crazy lady bit sorted, just need to get a few cats now!

Today I am going to try and force myself to go to the gym. I feel gross and need to exercise, but I really can't be arsed. Also I am not sure if I can with the stitches. I've got more than 20 in my legs at the moment and not sure if I should be exercising.

Anyway, that's all I have to say really.


Wednesday, 7 August 2013

And Again.

I couldn't help it. The urges became far too much and so I ended up cutting again, requiring stitches again. I went to the walk in centre, I didn't know they could suture there. Much more a pleasant experience compared to going to the hospital. I was in and out in 45 minutes. I obviously don't think it's an easy option and that I am more likely to cut knowing how easier it is going there. But if I do do it again, it will be where I go. Although the nurse was a bit unsure about it as of the depth, she said I had gone really deep and had nearly hit muscle.

I did call my CPN earlier as I was struggling so much. She said I should make an appointment with my GP to make sure nothing physical is going on because I am feeling so run down. There's not. It is just lack of sleep and drinking quite a lot while I was on holiday.

She said I need to be kind to myself and do nice things for myself. She said I knew that there was not one thing that would make me feel better but if I am kind to myself and do nice things then perhaps each little thing could help a bit. I don't really know what nice things to do? I can't eat chocolate as I am dieting, I also don't fancy any any way (I must be ill).

She said I need to think about uni and if I start self harming regularly again how it is going to impact their decision on supporting me to go back to uni. I said when I feel such intense feelings about cutting that doesn't really come in to it as I can only see the short term gains and not the long term losses.

I spent about 30 minutes on the phone to her. While she couldn't help in a particular way I did find it useful talking to her as it just enabled to me to speak to a physical person about how I am feeling and to get my feelings off my chest. I ended up in tears saying how it was hitting me really hard as I hadn't self harmed in over a month and had very few urges and then all of a sudden...BAM! They are back with vengeance. I felt I was finally getting somewhere, I was feeling good and then all of a sudden I feel as though I am back where I was. She said I need to hold on to the fact that things were good and they can be again. That I know they can be and it's not impossible. I suppose she has a point. She also said that I have to remember I have come a long way from where I was. That things have been so much worse and that I am coping with things quite well. What I didn't say was how worried I was that things could be heading that way again.

And what if they do now turn round and withdraw their support over me going back to uni. How is that going to make me feel if I can't go back. I will feel like such a failure. At the moment what is keeping me going, and keeping me reserved in what I am doing to self harm, and what is keeping me a little positive is the whole going back to uni in September. It is what I am living for. What if that is taken away from me. I can see things spiralling again, feeling suicidal again. Not wanting to live. Feeling as though I have failed at yet another thing.

I could hide the fact that I cut tonight. But, sooner or later she will find out about it anyway as they will be contacting my GP who will share that information with them. So is there any point in hiding it if it is going to come out sooner or later? Probably not.

Yet again, I don't have any remorse over cutting. Maybe if it hadn't have been so easy getting sorted about again I would do. In the past I have been to my local hospital which brings about a lot of anxiety in me. Then I get the come down off the anxiety and feel crap. Maybe if I didn't leave myself with any other option than of going to the local hospital I would not do it. So perhaps having a couple of drinks to put me over the limit so I can't drive. Doing it at night so I can't access the walk in centre. OK, drinking is not a good idea really is it? I get more impulsive when I drink and it is usually of a much worse harm.

Any ideas for me here? Input would be appreciated.

Anyway, I am rattling on here.

But please comment and give me some tips that would make it less easy. I need to keep razors in though as of being able to shave my bits etc.

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Urges Are Strong

I am having major urges again. I slept about 5 hours last night waking from a nightmare about a psychopath who was trying to kill me. That's what you get from reading about psychopaths just before going to sleep I suppose. After the fear from the nightmare had subsided I started getting urges.

I have the final appointment with my OT today. I am not sure how much detail to go in to with her.

I have been asked out on a date tonight. I have kind of screwed it all up as I won't be able to take my clothes off in front of anyone for a while as would be pretty obvious that they are fresh wounds. The previous wound from February has only just healed. Nearly 6 months for it to heal. That's not good is it. And now I have 4 new wounds with stitches in. I paid to join this site, that was a waste of money wasn't it?

I don't really want to go tonight. I want to stay in and cut. I have even looked up whether or not you can get stitches at a walk in centre. I have also looked up how far away the ED's are in different cities so I don't need to go to my local one (my old neighbour is consultant there) and I don't have to go to the one I went to last night.

I am not sure what to do now. The urges are in over drive and I really can't cope with them.

Actually Treated Like A Human.

That was probably the most pleasant hospital trip due to self harming reasons ever. I was in and out in an hour and a half. Then staff were nice. They asked me the usual. OK, so I wasn't fully honest. I knew if I was I would have to wait around for mental health services to come question me. So when they said if I had had thoughts of suicide I said no. It's as I said to the Psychologist at the appointment. I have had fleeting thoughts, but have not made any plans and I would never do anything like I did before again as it didn't work and I went to hell and back. So I just said no, I hadn't had thoughts about it. I know they wouldn't put me in hospital for how I am now, so I wasn't worried about that. But as soon as medical professions (not psychiatric) hear thoughts of suicide they want to cover all their bases. Can't blame them though can you.

I also didn't tell them I had swallowed a nail yesterday and today part of a spike from a bracelet and a razor blade. I didn't want to be kept in. If I did start to get pains I would go in, but I am not going in to be kept in over night for them the next day to tell me I can go but to come back if I feel pain. So no point there. I don't even know why I have swallowed. In the past I have been quite ambivalent about it and if it did cause damage it was a bonus. But, I don't really want it to cause damage and I don't want to die. I don't think so anyway. So not sure on the whole swallowing thing. It was probably something I should have discussed with my psychologist this morning when I saw him. I didn't tell him I did succeed, just that I tried and threw it up as I retched on it. Oh well. Maybe, if I remember I will talk about it when I see him at the next appointment in 3 weeks.

I do feel bad about the appointment as he said I was making him anxious over this report for uni and him saying I am good to go back.

So how am I feeling now.

It's quite odd. I feel good. I usually have cutters remorse a few hours after doing it and feel more anxious when I get home from the hospital. But there is none of that. Maybe tomorrow I will. Maybe tomorrow I will feel the guilt. But at the moment there is none of that at all. It's weird. In a way quite worrying. That usually stops me from doing it again for a while. But my brain is telling me now that when I feel as shit as I was all I need to do is have a cutting session and I will feel better.

Anyway, it will all probably change tomorrow when cutters remorse sets in.

Monday, 5 August 2013

Waiting at Hospital

I arrived and was seen by triage nurse. She was lovely. I asked if I'd have to see anyone from mental health and she said I scored low on their scale so possibly not. I did fudge it a little and down play it as I don't want to talk to anyone I don't know.

It's really got me thinking this. I've just read someone's blog who is being forced into leaving the country to go get the treatment she needs, she can't get it where she is as of the post code lottery and there is no funding in the area she is in. She's a British citizen. I think it's disgraceful that that is what she is being forced to do. Then there are people like me who must be such a drain on services, get everything. I see a CPN, a psychiatrist, an OT and see a psychologist on a weekly basis. A psychologist who as far as I am aware sees only inpatients. A year ago, yes a year ago it was decided as I have a good relationship with him that he would see me for a few more sessions and end contact. A year on I am now seeing him weekly and he is helping me with uni and writing a report for me. He is going beyond his duty for me.

Just how much money is being spent on me? How much time is invested? I feel awful that all this time and effort is being put in and when it finally seems as though I'm getting somewhere I end up going backwards and fucking up by self harming. All that time and effort for nothing. I'm frustrated with myself, so they must be tearing their hair out. I would be if I was in their position.

I feel as though I am getting nowhere at times. I think I am then bam! Back to where we started. If it wasn't for needing them so I can get back on the course I'd probably discharge myself so that someone who would benefit more could be helped. So there I am again, being selfish. Putting my own needs first.

Fucked Up...Again.

Well off to the hospital. I've cut. I thought I could manage just a little. But no. I got carried away like usual and it's quite bad. Not going to my local hospital in case my neighbour is working so got to drive about 20 miles to the other one. The one that holds bad bad memories as is attached to the first PICU I was on where Fingers worked. So worried I am going to see him.

I've really fucked up.

Psychology Session - 05/08/13

He picked up on my mood almost straight away. He said most people go on holiday to recharge their batteries but I go and come back drained. He said I had it as though my mood battery was full before I was going and now it's back on empty again. He said it made him anxious as he was supposed to be writing a report for uni stating my fitness to practice and my ability to undertake the course.

He asked about self harm and I was half honest. I told him I had attempted to swallow but I threw it back up as I was retching on it. I didn't tell him I then got another one and managed to swallow it without throwing it back up.

He said he thought it was all because I hadn't been sleeping and that I had run myself down by drinking so much while I was away. He asked me why I drank so much when I knew what it did to me. I explained how I was drinking it so my parents weren't having so much. And he just said well weren't they buying more knowing you were drinking also. They brought the same amount anyway whether or not I was drinking or not so it didn't make much difference.

He asked me if I had thought about killing myself. I said not and he said he didn't believe it as it didn't fit. So I said I had a little but not in detail as what ever I had tried in the past didn't work and I wouldn't do something if I wasn't sure it was going to work as I didn't want to go through all that all over again. Also, I do want to go back to uni and get a career. Being dead doesn't really fit in with all of that does it.

He said he thought I was holding back on something big. I wasn't really. I didn't mention that my ex's sister was getting married this week and I was feeling shit about that, it seems pretty trivial and I didn't really want to go in to it.

We talked a bit about how I feel with things with with my brother and I said I was hurt and angry and I wanted to sit on it a while as I don't usually stay angry at people for long and I knew that if I was the first to make contact I would cave, agree that it was all my fault and then feel as though I had no right to be angry. Yet, at the same time I felt bad as he had just moved out of the family home as he broke up with his partner, the mother of his children. And that no one from my family had really been in contact with him to see how he was doing. Although, I didn't say this but he from what he is putting on Facebook it seems as though he is happy with his new place. But this could all be a front.

So I feel bad for not contacting him. Part of the reason I have not contacted him is because I am avoiding the issue. He wants to have a talk about what I did and how close I came to dying etc. To tell me how selfish I am and that I don't think of others etc etc etc. I don't want to do that. I may be selfish, but I know if we have a talk I will end up agreeing with him over everything, well saying I agree while secretly seething because while I may have been selfish, I don't think anyone considers how I actually felt in all of this, that I felt so bad and could see no other way than ending it all. So yeah, I know it is selfish, but what about me?

So the Psychologist said I need to make sure I look after myself. Not to drink, to ensure I get enough sleep and to be kind to myself. To keep telling myself that I feel like this because of the physical reasons, in that it's down to lack of sleep and having drank too much. So it will get better in a few days. He said I need to try and not let it cycle down and down and to see that I can be ok. I can be happier.

I am trying. I really am. I am trying to be kind to myself. But sometimes the urges are so over whelming. I said I was angry at myself and the situation as I blame myself and I had gone quite a while without any urges to SH yet now they were back and strong. And I had already given in to them.

I don't think I am going to be seeing him for 3-4 weeks now. Hopefully, by the next time I see him I will have come out of this low and that I won't have done anything major.

Sunday, 4 August 2013

Time Goals

So my friend will be here in about 40 minutes. I can't self harm before she gets here.

She'll be here about an hour. I can't self harm while she is here.

I then plan on having a long bath. That may reduce anxiety and therefore me not self harm.

I will then prepare dinner which is a Thai Green curry with lots of veg. This will take about an hour.

This will take me until about 8pm. I am then able to medicate by taking some quetiapine, even though I am not prescribed it anymore I still have some and it is good for me as PRN when I don't actually take it regularly as it sedates me quite a lot. I also have some sleeping pills so I can take a couple of those.

This should in theory have me knocked out at around 9pm and I should sleep until tomorrow. Then I have the appointment with the psychologist.

I kind of don't want to tell him how I am feeling as he has told me so many times that alcohol is a depressant and that I should be careful about what I drink. I feel as though I am going to get I told you so. Even though he has never before. I think it is this that has caused it. I am hoping that in a few days I will be over it. I know I am an awful patient. I know what can cause me to get in to a bad place again but I still go ahead and do it anyway. I know I didn't have to drink so much while I was away. But, the reason I did is because I could see my parents, my Mum in particular getting aggressive and doing her usual. I can't be doing with being around them when they are drunk. So my theory was that if I was drinking some, they were drinking less and also if I was drunk I am more able to handle their annoying behaviours.

Anyway, for now I am trying not to cry as I don't want to be red faced and blotchy when my friend gets here as I don't want her worrying about things.

Feeling Baaad.

I am planning ways in which I can self harm. My current thinking is I could cut and drive to the hospital that is out of town as I don't run the risk of seeing my old next door neighbour there if she is working. But, the only thing stopping me from doing that at the moment is I've got a really bad fake tan job. I am streaky, orange and it's awful. So I don't want anyone seeing it. I am sure as the day wears on that that will become less of factor in stopping me.

I am actually sitting here crying because I don't know what to do with myself.

I have just swallowed. I was intent on doing it. The first time I tried I was retching and ended up throwing up. At least I got rid of some of the dinner I just had. But I did it again. At least the urge to cut has settled a little. Although I am still feeling the urge and that feeling that comes with it.

I really am in such a mess. My friend said she may come over later. I said yes originally as I have not seen her little boy in over 3 weeks and I miss him, he is only 10 weeks old. So changing all the time. But at the same time I really feel like I don't want the company at the moment. I just want to wallow. And for the first time since ever I am considering cancelling my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow.

I was supposed to go out today to a hen do of the sister of one of my old school friends. We used to hang out when we were younger and we went to Guides together. But I really couldn't face it.

The only reason I think I could feel like this is because of the wedding. But that seems a pretty inconsequential reason to feel like this.

Maybe it's just because I am tired, run down and have drank so much over the last couple of weeks that it has just built up to this. I hope it is just that as it would mean I will come out of it soon. All I need is a few days R+R and I should feel a lot better.

Here's hoping.

Friday, 2 August 2013

I'm Back!

I have probably got quite a bit to write about, so this could be a long post. I do wish I had written more about the psychology session and the meeting at uni before I went away as now I can't remember any thing at all about the psychology session and only a little about the meeting at uni.

What I do remember is that my Psychologist was brilliant. I was really nervous about the meeting and didn't want to be there at all. The course director talked about the course and what it entails. I think he had a pretty good idea about it as he had been talking to some Social Workers that work at the same hospital so he had a pretty good idea of the amount of work and the stresses that come with it.

It was quite a quick meeting, my course director basically talked about the course, how I had been doing and just general stuff. She then said she was concerned though as when I met her in June I had told her I hadn't been working or anything since coming out of hospital. I didn't tell her that the reality is that it has only been the last month or so where I would have been able to function in the work place or doing anything constructive. Obviously she doesn't know about how I nearly died through my own actions in April and that I was in hospital again because of it. I really didn't know what to say. But my Psychologist jumped straight in for me saying how I have been in a work routine now for the past few months and how I have been seeing him first thing on a Monday morning and how I have always been on time and ready to get on with it. He then went on to say how he could say for sure that he thought I was ready to go back and how it would be good for me and would be an important part of my recovery and telling her how well I was doing. He also said that although he hadn't said it to me yet, and he probably wasn't sure if I would agree with him, but he would say that I was now in recovery (I've not felt it for the last week but that's to come).

So we talked about the fitness to practice panel which is the next stage. We would both have to write a report for it. He was also asked if he would be able to attend, if I wanted him to. I was asked if I did, but I felt a bit put on the spot and didn't want to say yes, so I just said that if it didn't need to be decided now, then it would be something we could discuss. After seeing how he jumped in to save me in that, when I wasn't really coming under much scrutiny, I want him at the panel. If I get stumped it would be great to have someone else in my corner. The course director asked when he would be available and kind of said that the panel could be when he is available at the beginning of September. I don't want to seem that I am relying on him too much. But I do want him to be there if he can be. He has done so much for me already and I don't want to put him out more. I am sure it's not in his job description and he is doing so much more than he needs to. He has been fantastic.

So the course director said she would email the placement director and copy both the psychologist and myself in. She did this the next day. It's been nearly 3 weeks and still haven't heard anything from her regarding this panel. Maybe she is on annual leave or something. But I was hoping that we would have had a reply now as I am meeting with the psychologist on Monday and won't see him again for a month so it is probably the only opportunity we would have to go over the reports and discuss it further before the panel. But, haven't heard anything so who knows what is going on.

After the meeting the psychologist and I walked out together. As we left the building he asked me what was wrong. He said I was totally frozen during the meeting. I just said I was trying to not show outward signs of anxiety as I am aware of some of the things I do when I am anxious, things like my leg going up and down, my playing with my bracelet, taking my ring off and playing with that, fiddling with my earrings etc etc etc. He said yeah and also playing with your necklace which you were doing all the way through. I haven't really picked up on that one before, but as soon as he mentioned it I did realise it is something I do all the time.

He said he could tell something else was wrong with me. I didn't really know what to say. I just felt so on edge and anxious over the meeting and was coming down from that. I was also feeling very pessimistic over how it went and how the course director raised concerns over how I hadn't done anything recently. All I had going through my mind was negative thoughts along the lines of well that's it, what's the point even trying if I am not going to get anywhere with it etc etc etc. Basically thinking I am a failure etc etc. I didn't really want to go into all of this while we were standing outside uni etc so I just said I wasn't sure how I was feeling and was probably just residual anxiety from the massive anxiety I was feeling about the meeting.

So that was the meeting at uni...

So on to the holiday. I was really looking forward to it. And on the whole, it was good. Except the weather and being in a tent which meant I didn't sleep more than about 4 hours a night for the 12 days I was away. Some days it rained so much that we couldn't do anything and the 3 of us were confined to being inside the motor home all day. It was really annoying. 3 people in such a confined space for so long. Not fun. One night my brother rang my mum and he had a bit of a go at her. I have not spoken to him in ages and we are not really talking at the moment. But I have written about that before. I said to my Mum that I was quite upset with him and what his partner had said to me about it. Basically along the lines of how he had done so much for me and he feels I have not given anything back. That hurts. I am not sure what he has wanted from me, and it really got me thinking about how when I was in hospital under section for a year, a hospital that was only a 2 minute drive away from his house and how he only came to see me about 3 times in the whole year! So yeah, I am hurt by that.

So, I told my Mum I was upset and she got all angry at me saying how he was right in telling me I was selfish because I was. If I wasn't selfish I would have never have tried to kill myself as I would be aware of what it would do to my family etc. And then she started this whole charade of abuse at me saying how selfish I was that people were sick of pussy footing around me and really laying in to me saying what I had put them through etc etc etc. She was very drunk so she wasn't holding back. She just kept saying did you stop and think how we were feeling etc. It got me so angry. But I just sat there and took it all as I wasn't going to argue back and I didn't want to get in to an argument. But I was thinking about how I was feeling and what I was going through, that I was feeling so bad that that was the only way out I could see and that was what I wanted at the time. She kept telling me how seriously ill I was and how I was in a coma and the machines were breathing for me as I wasn't making any effort to breathe at all and that without the machines I would have died. She was telling me how they had been told I may not pull through and that I was critically ill.

I know I am probably selfish, I do get that. But, no one seems to understand that I was feeling so bad and I was in such a place that I saw death as being more favourable to living. What about that? So sorry, I know it's selfish, but what about me?! Negative comment all the way on that one!

So I was quite upset at that. I was so angry and I had massive self harm urges because I was so angry. And I would have done something but everything I had that I could have used to self harm was in the van and I was in the tent with nothing around me to do anything with and I wasn't going to go in to the van waking them both up and face questions about what I was doing and why I was in there. So I just laid there with these awful feelings and feeling so out of control that I didn't know what to do with myself. I think I cried myself to sleep.

I was really ready to come home. The weather was crap and after spending so much time with my parents I just wanted my own space.

The journey home was a nightmare. While I was waiting for the bus at the airport I was feeling really anxious. I didn't really know why, I just put it down to being tired and feeling run down. But the longer I was there the more thinking I did. And I realised that I had spent a good few hours at the same airport bus station 2 years ago, feeling so shit and had pretty much decided there that I was going to end it all. I remember speaking to the counsellor I was seeing at the time while I was there and telling her how shit I was feeling. And then after that, it was only a few days later where I did take a massive OD and ended up in intensive care for 2 nights unconscious on a ventilator for the first time. So I put the anxious feelings down to being where I was.

So, how have I been mood wise etc? I am a bit worried as I have barely slept in the last two weeks that I could be spiralling again. I thought I would be fine as soon as I got home and that a good nights sleep in my own bed and I would feel so much better. But no, that was not to be. I barely slept last night either. So I can't blame my not sleeping on being in a tent and being away. Also, last year I spent nearly 3 weeks in a tent and I was fine. I told my friend I was a bit worried as sometimes lack of sleep can be a trigger for me, and it can also be a sign that I am not doing well as well. So she told me to call my CPN and get some sleeping pills. I said I was seeing her next week anyway and if things hadn't improved I would talk to her about it then. She said I was being stupid because I knew it could trigger things and also that it can be a relapse sign. So I should call today. So I did and she wasn't there. So I called my GP surgery and the receptionist got the on call doctor to call me. I was expecting to wait hours for a call, but within 5 minutes the doctor called me. I told him how sometimes it can be a relapse sign and can also trigger relapse and that I was worried and I was wondering if I would be able to get some sleeping pills for a few nights to try and trigger me back into sleeping properly. I think I worried him a  little, he started asking me all these questions about thoughts of wanting to harm myself etc etc etc and said he thought I should contact my team etc. I said my CPN wasn't in, I was seeing her, my psychologist AND my OT next week. So that calmed him down a bit and he said it would be quite appropriate to give me 7 nights of sleeping pills.

I am feeling quite shit mood wise. I had a few very down days while I was away and have had no motivation to do anything. I thought it was just being home sick and that I was feeling run down as of lack of sleep and drinking quite a bit and eating crap. I was drinking every night. If it hadn't have been for my parents I wouldn't have done. But, they were buying it and drinking every night and I felt that if I didn't drink that would mean my Mum would drink more and cause problems. I didn't want to drink that much but I thought it better doing that than dealing with my parents when they are very drunk. So, no drinking for me for a while now. I don't want it anywhere near me. But, even though I am home I am still feeling quite shit. I have had some massive urges today. I have got up twice and been to where I have things that I would swallow, I don't know why I haven't yet. But I haven't. It's been about 5 weeks since I last did something. Which is pretty good for me.

I have an idea of why I may be feeling bad. It's kind of stupid really. It may not even be that. My ex's sister is getting married on Tuesday. She met the guy just after GOM and I broke up so I don't know him very well. I have only met the guy twice. But it's really weird. She was such a big part of my life for 9 years and I saw her as like a sister and his family as my family. I miss that. They were such a big part of my life for so long and now they're not. I don't miss GOM really. I don't want to be with him. But I do have some resentment towards his new girlfriend as she now is part of their life, and I am not. She's welcome to him. But I miss his family. I am not sure whether or not she will be at the wedding as I think they have only been in a relationship a couple of months. Why do I feel like this? Is it stupid? Is it jealousy? They are all going off abroad for this wedding as a family and I am not involved.

It's a stupid thing to be making me feel bad isn't it?

And that has been the last couple of weeks. Next week I have 3 crazy appointments, and then nothing for a month or so as the psychologist is on holiday. Bit worried that I won't be seeing anyone. Maybe I can see my CPN when I am supposed to be seeing him. Don't know. I suppose we will talk about it next week when I see her.

If it is this whole wedding thing, combined with me being tired and run down, then I just want next week to be over with as soon as possible.