Sunday, 31 October 2010

And the Cycle Continues...

Had some weird advice yesterday from a guy in the psych department. I have not seen him before, actually that is a lie. I have seen him before but I don't remember he told me we had seen each other before but I can't remember him. He remembered me. So I SI again and walked to hospital. While I was there they took an ECG as my heart was going really fast. They ended up keeping me in over night and all day yesterday. I thought I wasn't going to get out until today as they were not going to let me go without seeing someone from psych medicine. I said I wanted to discharge my self as couldn't see the point in hanging around as psych wouldn't do anything and I knew my bloods would be ok, and they had lost my bloods that they had taken in A+E. They wouldn't take my word for it that I hadn't taken an overdose. I know my history and they were concerned as of that (taking overdoses and not saying anything or denying it) they didn't want to take a chance. They said if I discharged myself they would call the police and I would end up being sectioned under 136 until I had had psych assessment. Didn't want that to open so I was forced in to staying.

Anyway, it was about 8ish when guy from psych medicine came. I was told it wouldn't be until today as dept had closed. He said I should try self harming more often. I thinks as is only weekly or what ever that when I do it it is a build up, so he thinks I should self harm more often and it won't be as bad. I am not going to take that chance though. I could end up in a worse situation than I am now. I told him what I thought of the other guys theory. He said it may not be the course as such but being at uni again, and something could be triggering it, maybe something in the past. I don't know what to think. I kind of feel like a fraud as I can't see anything in the past that would make me like I am now. It's not as though I had a traumatic childhood, nothing bad has ever really happened to me. I don't know what it is.

I am sick of this low mood. It is making me feel awful. I hate feeling like this. I don't see a way out at the moment and it's really starting to worry me. I am scared incase I get suicidal again. There are some fleeting thoughts, which I did tell the guy about, not in so much detail but, I did tell him. I have really tried to be honest with people about things and I am finding it hard. I just don't see what else I can do now!

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Maybe I Am Not Over Him? My Funny Attempts to Move On....

So, I have not actually told anyone this but I don't think I am over my ex yet. Don't get me wrong I know we (I say we like I had a choice) have done the right thing in breaking up and I don't want to get back with him...but why should be be happy and me not. I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship. Except the depression and self harming which he couldn't cope with. But, I feel myself really missing him at times. I see little things on a fleeting thought comes in thinking "oh I'll tell ? about that, he'll laugh at that". And also finding myself thinking about things we did together and little private jokes we shared. Then it hits me really hard. I don't know, maybe it's not him per se I am missing but the having a significant other to share things with. But then I say that and the last thing I want at the moment is to be starting a new relationship. I really can't be bothered with the effort. And also looks like I have been attacked by mad knife man on my legs and how do I explain that one?

There is a guy on the scene at the moment who I do quite like, but I am always the one who has to make the effort in arranging to do something or in texting him. Why should I be the one that goes to all the effort. Yet, at the same time show me a guy who is too keen and I am running for the hills. Why can't I find a happy medium.

In an attempt to get over the ex who I will now refer to as Gom (grumpy old man) I joined a couple of internet dating sites. So, the weekend after that I had been forcefully evicted from the house I shared with him (a long story and quite personal that it may give away who I am) I went on my first internet date (well not first as went on one a couple of years previous but first of this time)...

1) Mark -

A guy with red hair....I don't know what it is but I have a thing about ginger/auburn men. This guy in his pictures was a geeky chic kind of guy. Sort of quirky looking which I like and very different from Gom. So I was texting him quite a lot. I don't like speaking on the phone to people and always text people rather than calling them. I don't know what it is but I just don't like speaking to people who I don't know very well on the phone unless it is in a professional capacity. Even family who I don't see very often I will text to see how they are rather than call. But anyway... So I was in contact with him quite a lot, sending a good few messages every day. We decided we were going to go on a date with each other as we were getting on quite well through text. There were a couple of niggles I had about him, like when he asked me what I would look for in an ideal man I told him what I wanted in a man and what they could do for me. I asked him the same question and his response was "someone he could look after". It kind of put me off as even though there is the MH problems I have I like to stand on my own two feet and am quite a forceful person. I know what I want and I go after what I want. So he sounded a bit like a sap. I text my friends (there we go, texting again) to let them know where I was going and as I had a feeling to see who was around as back up in case I needed it. Well, as soon as I met him I knew straight away that something was not quite right with this guy. It was like he had special needs. I was actually quite concerned that people would see me and think I was out with one of my patients. I know it sounds awful as I should be less judgemental but this was awful. Within 5 minutes of meeting him I was in the toilet on the phone (yes, I actually called someone - desperate times called for desperate measures) to my friend formulating a plan that would ensure that I could do a runner from him. I concocted this whole story about what was going on and got my friend to call twice while I was with him pretending to be in a massive mess and she needed my help. Abracadabra - 25minutes after meeting him I was in a taxi with 2 bottles of wine to go to a friends house to drink and be merry and laugh about the disaster of a date.

2) Nate -

After having been travelling for a few months and returning home I felt that I was ready to have another go at this whole meeting someone game. So online I met another guy, Nate. However, I had to postpone our first date by 2 weeks as I was in hospital with an infection and on IV antibiotics (what you get from injuring yourself in Asia, taking your own stitches out with non-sterile equipment (I wasn't going to pay though) and not looking after to wound properly. It wasn't a SI but an accident I had). I made sure we spoke on the phone this time. Didn't want a repeat of last time. I thought this guy was quite interesting and he was stunningly gorgeous! Too good to be true. I thought he was interesting as I said and I thought he had a good sense of humour and was taking the piss a lot. Turns out he wasn't taking the piss and he was deadly serious...this guy was in need of a MH Assessment. He believed he had some electric telekinetic powers and was really in to vampires and said he hung out with them. He was indecisive and put me on the spot a few times during the date asking how he was doing and how the date was going...guys, you just DON'T do this! So, luckily as I had only come out of hospital 3 days previous to this I managed to feign illness. He said that I didn't look well! So I was doing a dam good job! He was in the camp of too keen also. But luckily he didn't call me or text me again. This guy was far too in touch with his emotions and clearly wasn't over his ex. He was actually nearly crying when talking about what happened. He asked me what happened with Gom so that gave me the right to ask too didn't it? Freaky guy this one was. He was gorgeous, but not right in the head!

3) Jeremy

So, I decided to move on to a different dating site, after my horrible experience with 2 freaks I moved on and actually paid for the privilege of having freaks contact me instead! To be fair to this guy he did nothing wrong and he was really quite nice. We had our first date in the city centre and went to a few bars and then on to a club where we danced and acted like teenagers. I did like him and had a nice time with him. Only thing was he looked far too much like Gom and even kissed like him. I decided I would give him another go and decided to go on a second date with him. That also went ok. I got on well with him, yet I didn't find him attractive. After the second date he was talking about us doing all these things in the future and to be honest it scared me. I know I moan about being the one to do leg work but here we have another over keen guy. The last straw was when I agreed to go on a 3rd date (as I can't be nasty and tell them to their face that things aren't working) and he text me straight after the second date saying "I can't believe we have to wait until Friday to see each other". This was on the Monday and it was the straw that broke the camels back. I ignored him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him things weren't working out and so I just ignored his texts and calls until he got the message.

OK, I realise that from these 3 dates I sound like some cold heartless bitch. The reality is though I hate being mean. I am unable to say to people I don't like you, you are weird, we wont work etc etc etc. Generally, if I have been on a date with someone I know wont work I make my self to be the total opposite of what they want. If they never want to have kids...well I want 10 and be making a start as soon as possible and I am looking to find my life partner by joining internet dating, the opposite of that if they want kids soon. If they like one thing, I hate it and visa versa. My strategy in this is that I hope that they will not like me and wont want to see me again. However, this did not work with guy number 4!

4) Pete

Another one from the dating site. This time I adjusted my search to someone who was educated, someone who was the right age, someone who had similar interests to me, and had red hair! So the date with him. We met in a pub in the city centre and had a couple to drink in there. I knew things weren't going to work out so I made him sit outside with me while I smoked. This was in September, it had just stopped raining and was not very warm. He was in a t-shirt also. So, this is one of my ways to ensure that I never see someone again, along with making myself the opposite. The date went without any event and I saw it out til the end. I thought I had made it pretty clear that he wasn't what I was after. But the next day I get a message from him saying he thought we got on really well and could he see me again. Maybe, my method of how to lose a guy in one date doesn't work all that well after all. He was a nice guy, there was nothing about him other than his fidgeting and twitch that was annoying it was just that we didn't gel! I thought I can't be horrible to this guy by just ignoring him as he hadn't broken any of the cardinal rules of mine. So I had to compose a message to basically say I am not interested. I got help with this, from 2 girlfriends and half the blokes in the pub I was in. I let him down gently with a message along the lines of you're a really nice guy and all that shebang. I even got a message back from him saying while it was a shame thanking me for my honesty. So, the first one I actually felt bad for.

Maybe I should stick to my ignore if you don't like method.

So back to the guy on the scene at the moment. OK, I quite like him. I met him in the traditional way of being wasted and meeting him not inside a club but outside trying to get in. We were both trying to get in but the bouncers said it was too late and that we were both too drunk. So what do I do. I take him home. This is before I started DSHing again. I had previous scars which he did notice but I said I had drunkenly fallen over on a glass coffee table hence why my left arm and right leg are a mess. He believed me. I think most people would. Not many people come in to contact with self harmers. Where as for me if I see someone with scars I automatically think Self Harmer. This is as I have and do and because of where and what work I do. But I am under the impression that most people wouldn't think this.

If I have a one night stand I never expect anything from it. I don't expect to see the person again. But there was something about this guy that I liked and we have seen each other again a few times. I have not told him about the SH and also I have made sure we take things very slowly. So while he has been round to my house a few times I have made sure we just kissed at the end of the night and not done anything else. I apologised to him for sleeping with him as is not something I do. I don't make a habbit of it. It has happened a couple of times where I have met someone while drunk but it's not a regular occurance. I have not got lots of notches on the bed post. I am not that kind of girl. Quite frankly I find it quite slutty and associate that behaviour with chavs...I don't like chavs at all but that is another whole story and probably a blog in itself.

I have not got a name for him yet as can't think of a made up one that fits him well. But I have now decided I am not going to contact him again unless he makes contact with me. I am not going to be the one that makes all the effort. I don't mind making some. The thing is when we are together he is talking about things that we can do together or saying things like "we'll have to do..." not in the crazy over keen way. But I just don't know where I stand with this guy. Also, I don't think I want to be in a relationship at the moment. I need to get my self sorted in my head and get the DSHing under control and stop it. I need to find new coping mechanisms. The next guy I am with I want to be able to say a few months down the line that the scars are not from drunkly falling over but that I used to self harm but I don't anymore.

So that's that. That's how I Try to Lose a Guy in 1 Date!

Thursday, 21 October 2010

Please Just Go.

So, update....and some general ramblings...

Still pretty much the same. Yes, I did harm again. Not as bad as last time but still pretty bad. I have taken to removing my own stitches as I don't want to be questionned by the nurse at the GP practice about it and I don't want to have to explain which ones stay and which ones go.

I wish I knew why I was feeling like I am. To me I have no reason to be feeling like this. No reason why I should be feeling low and wanting to self harm. In the past I have known why I have been feeling low; what factors contributed to it. But they aren't there anymore. It is diving me mad. I am trying so hard each day to not SH. I try not to look at my legs as the scars and healing wounds are just reminders of how good it feels. In one of my first posts on here I tried to explain what it was that I got from it.

So, on to other matters. I don't want to constantly being going on about the SH. It has been in the news over the last couple of days how 2 small boys were spotted in an area in my city roaming the streets at 12.30am and then again at 5.30am. The police were sent out on a massive search for them and was all over the local press. It turns out the boys were identified as being 5 and 6. They were found safe and well and was that they decided to go out on their own in the middle of the night. Now, to me, it seems ludicrus that the mother did not know where her children were or did not hear them. To go out, come back and go out again and then come back again without her noticing is rather worrying. Why, at that age the boys went out also. I know at that age I was scared of my own shadow. I think something is going on there. There is no way children of that age would decide to just go for a walk twice at that time of night if they were not trying to escape from something. I do hope a Social Services referal has been placed and she will be looked in to as something is clearly amis in this household. Also, I am going to be very prejudiced here, but, the area of my city that this was in is not a good area at all and she is probably some benefit claming chav who was pissed out her head and that is why she didn't hear them! Anyway, rant over on that one.

I get a lie in tomorrow...yay! But, no doubt I will be up at the crack of dawn as usual as I am so cold. I feel as a woman it is my right to always be cold. Now winter is really kicking in, i am entitled to this even more so. But, it does drive me mad how I am waking up in the morning so cold that I am shivering. I have moaned at my parents about putting the heating on a timer and they say they are not cold so they wont. Well, they wont be with their electric blanket and what ever else they have in their room keeping them warm. I am really not a fan of this colder weather.

On another note... I brought some GHD's the other day. Got them delievered. To be honest...can't see the hype about them. Wish I hadn't spent so much on them now. They are good but I wouldn't say they are £100 worth of good.

So, that's about it really. My week has been pretty uneventful. I am managing to get by. Trying to keep focused with uni work and keep my head together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't!

Wednesday, 20 October 2010

10 Facts

Some surprising medical facts for you to consider whilst going about your daily chores today:

1) No-one in the entire world can touch all their own teeth with their tongue.

2) Mad people everywhere are now trying this.

4) You've just tried, and discovered this to be untrue.

5) Now you're sitting there with a crazed smile on your face.

5) Bet you didn't notice that I'd skipped number 3!

6) And now you've gone back to check.

7) Bet you didn't notice that I'd skipped number 6 either.

8) Fooled again...

9) Bet you didn't notice that number 5 appears twice!

10) Now that hopefully you've got a smile on your face, remember that that's what it's all about, and go back to your daily chores...

Tuesday, 12 October 2010

It Needs To Stop!

So Sunday I self harmed again. Another hospital trip. They said I was being uncooperative and didn't understand why I locked myself in the toilet when I had said there was no way I could sit in crowded waiting room. So, that got me seen by crisis team. They were told that I had tried to hang myself in the toilet. No! I didn't. I didn't ligate or anything, that's not my style. They put me in a cubicle and I fell asleep as I had taken a lorazepam earlier and that set them off saying I had taken an OD. I hadn't. I took the loraz to try and help me, to knock me out before I could do anything and it only kicked in about 2 hours later when I was at the hospital.

So they were wanting to do bloods and stuff and I refused saying I wanted to get home and in to bed as the loraz was zombifying me and I knew that if I was subjected to bloods I would be in ages. I laughed when the crisis team showed up. I said do I look like someone who has tried to hang themselves. Do I have broken capillaries etc, and if I was suicidal do you think I would be doing it in the toilet in the A+E dept. I said to them that I don't know where they got the info that I had tried to do that as was not the case, I didn't need to see them and I was going to be making an appointment with the Psychiatrist as had had a letter through asking me to call and make appointment. I said I was sorry that they had been made to waste their time, and that the A+E dept staff were saying that so that I would be seen quicker by them as they wanted the bed.

Anyway, apart from being angry, low and wanting to self harm constantly, I have rung for an appointment with the Psychiatrist. Can't get one until the end of November. I have also spoke to the nurse who has been helping me quite a bit and he said he has spoke to these people at harmless and I should be able to get something sorted with them quite soon as they have appointments and he said that that will probably help me a lot more than seeing the Psychiatrist. He said he didn't think I was depressed. I don't know what consistent low mood for no reason is then. I also spoke to him about this appointment...not knowing how far away it would be at the time and basically said to him that I was worried as all the Psychiatrist would see is the previous diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and write me off from the start. I have argued and argued before that it is not that. I was telling him my reasoning about how I knew how it needed to be diagnosed and that you need to fit in certain amounts of criteria on the diagnostic scale and I said that I didn't fit as many as needed to be there. Ok, there were a couple but not all of them. I was saying that there were a few on each personality disorder thing that I recognised and I know for a fact I am not them. Most people will have traits that fit in on personality disorder scales. I was saying how I was annoyed that Psychiatrists just have to tick boxes and is all about diagnosis and pathologising you in categories. And he said he agreed with me and was all about choices that I make and I need to regain some control over why and when happens. I said I knew all this already and I needed help in doing so. He said that the psychiatrist wouldn't do that but this organisation would be able to help. So just hope can get seen by them soon.

I just hope it is soon as the self harming behaviour is getting out of hand now. I know I need the help and I am doing what I can to get it. I don't want it to get to the stage of where I am suicidal again as I can't cope with it anymore. It's so annoying!

I know if people do read these you will think that I am doing it for attention. But can I point out that this is not the case. I don't write about it on here so I can get attention from people. I don't even know if other people read this. But I use it as my sounding board to get things off my chest. I use it to pour my emotions out and remain anonymous. No one knows the extent of the self harm. Ok, so the hospital does and the nurse I speak to does. But no one in my family has any idea. My brother knows it is something I used to do. But that is it. No one even knows I am depressed or what ever it is as according to nurse man he doesn't think I am. I am managing to function at the moment and put a brave face on. I don't talk about my feelings with anyone. I did mention to one friend after the first time of cutting badly in ages that I had done so and that I was feeling depressed again and I was worried as I knew what happened before to me and I was recognising the start of the pattern. She doesn't know the full extent of what was happening 2 years ago. I don't talk to family and friends about it as they have their own problems going on and I am not going to wear them down with mine also. It is not fair on them. I am really worried though as I live with my parents and think that they may notice that things aren't right with me. I can't put a brave face on all the time. So what do I do, I hide out in my room. And that must be being noticed. Very few people know about the self harm in the past. I have a couple of friends who know it is something I used to do, but they don't know the extent. But that is it. Another reason for me keeping it so private is that there is still a big stigma attached to self harm and mental illness.

Although I don't class myself as mentally ill, there is still stigma that comes attached to it. Also, I am afraid if people do know then it will get out of hand. At the moment I feel as though I have some control over it. I can limit it to when no one is around or take myself off somewhere. But if people became aware it was something I did I think I would lose that being shy about it and lose control and not be bothered that there are other people in the house when I am doing it. It would become a more regular occurrence. I mean say for instance I was I was told it was a direction I was heading in if things continue the way they are, then what have I got to stop me. My fear of people finding out would no longer be there as people would know. On that subject....the nurse said to me it could happen. My understanding of what he was saying was if I lost control over it more so and got back to where I was then could happen that I would be put on a Psych ward for assessment. Not sure if he was saying this to scare me or was a possibility. I have done quite a bit of work on the Psych wards in the hospitals around here and so know the staff and also a lot of patients. So there was this factor and the fact it would screw me up career wise. At the moment I am not suicidal and so this is bothering me immensely, but what if I lose that will to live, that will to have a career and become suicidal again. What happens then?

Saturday, 9 October 2010

Will These Feelings Please Just Go Away!


It's pretty much how I am feeling. Don't know why I feel like I am doing at the moment. It's wearing me down so much. I am trying to concentrate on uni stuff but it's hard when at the back of my mind all there is is thinking about how much I want to cut and how bad I am feeling.

I have had a letter from the place that the GP referred me to and I have to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist. I honestly don't feel that there is much point as in their eyes they have diagnosed me and I feel that I am going to go in there where they will have this pre negative misconception about me, that there is nothing they can do as not clinical and is psychological. I don't think that there is much point. I will go in there for an hour where I will be assessed by the Psychiatrist, they will ask me lots of questions about my family and my childhood as apparently that has everything to do with it. It's all very Freudian. I am feeling very negative about it. I will be referred on to a group more than likely that I wont go to in case of seeing service users I know already. I have told this to the nurse who I have spoke to a few times at the psychological medicine department. Also, the place I will more than likely have to go is at the hospital where I do quite a bit of work already. So I run the risk of being seen by someone I know from there.
I don't believe in the diagnosis that they have given so far. I am not sure if I have said but they believe it to be Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. In other words, borderline PD. I have worked with a lot of people with this diagnosis and from my own experience dealing with these people I don't believe it is this. Ok, so there are some traits but not the 5 on the scale that there needs to be to give a diagnosis. I feel that the Psychs give this diagnosis when they can't see what it is and are at a last end when someone presents as depressed and who self harms.

I will tell them all this when I go in. I will let them know my feelings. I know I have poor coping strategies and I need to work on those. I don't know what I can do to do that or what is available. But I know that I disagree. I was hoping that I would just be referred for some counselling and that would be it. I suppose I should think of it in a positive way that I will be assessed again by a Psychiatrist. But I know what it is like from working in the field about how they treat people.

What is my main thing at the moment is I don't know why I am feeling like I do. I suppose there have been signs there for a while about how I am feeling. When I was with my ex, he used to be able to realise that I was getting depressed again before me. I don't have that anymore so maybe it has been going on for a while and I have just not noticed it. I don't know why I self harm, I just know the relief that comes from doing it. I have said in previous posts about that.

Not to dwell anyway as wont make me feel better.

I know that I will say to the Psychiatrist is that while no one knows about the depression and self harm I am able to have some element of control over it. Like, I can manage not to do it too badly when there are other people in the house. I think if people knew then there would be nothing holding me back. So that is my reason for keeping it so private. I am not even sure if my parents know I am depressed. They don't know I have suffered in the past. I am trying hard to hide it now though. When I am spending quite a bit of time in the house it is in my room and I think they have noticed that. I am trying to throw myself in to uni so I have focus somewhere else. But what happens the next time I am on my own, the next time I do have the opportunity to really have a good go at it. Will it be worse as I haven't done it properly in a while. I am even planning on when I can do it properly again. I'd like to think I am not suicidal. I don't think I am. But the thoughts do creep in every now and then. It's lyrics from music that I relate to and over think about... the ones at the moment being from the Killers - Why do I keep counting - "Will I live to have some children", from Robbie Williams Feel "I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either" and from the song Mad World "I find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had". So I can relate to these. Does this mean I want it? Urgh! Go away nasty feelings!

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Long Exhale of Breath!

So I am still feeling really down. I don't really know what to do about it.
I have had a manic day where I have not got done what I have needed to get done. I got all messed up as thought I was supposed to be doing something in the afternoon and it was in the morning that i needed to do it so I get a phone call asking where I am so I have a manic rush across town to try and get to the place on time.

Then when I get back I am trying to do uni work, trying to get contracts sorted out and trying to watch my nephew who at the age of 18months is in to EVERYTHING! And having tantrums when you say no. So no uni work got done. I had to go to Doctors this afternoon. I needed stitches taking out and also I needed to see him about my other cut. It's quite infected. So I am on antibiotics for that. It's a massive cut. So I am worried that the infection could get quite bad. Last time I had a wound infection was from when I fell over and cut my knee open...I wound up really ill with the infection and in hospital on IV antibiotics. Also, if the infection doesn't clear up by the weekend I will probably have to have the stitches taken out and it was massive. It would never look right again. My thigh would be all out of shape as of it. I was told by the GP if still red by the weekend need to go see emergency doc. How the hell do I explain having to go in to hospital if I have to again. None of my family know about the self harm. I live at home so it's not as though I can make excuses for not seeing them. I don't know what I am going to do.

Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me. And the stupid thing about this. I still really want to cut!

Monday, 4 October 2010

Just a quick one.

Just a quick one for now but I wanted to talk about my self harm on Saturday night. I don't know who I am doing this for, for myself or what. I don't know but sometimes it helps to get things off my chest by just getting everything down like this and helps me become more aware of my thoughts.

So Saturday night I self harmed. Really, really badly. The worst I have done before. I knew I needed stitches, and there was loads of blood. I decided I was going to walk to the hospital. I vaugely remember stumbling across someone on the way and they decided they were going to call an ambulance. I remember getting in the ambulance but the rest is a bit of a blur. I was told by the nurse (on the ward) that I collapsed when I was in the ambulance and was taken in to the resus area of the hospital. In that time they cut my clothes off, and had me wired up to loads of machines with oxygen. My heart rate was going really fast apparantly and my BP was low...lower than the heart rate. I am not sure what it means but I vaugely remember being told when I was at work before that this was not a good sign. I had drank quite a bit. I know I planned on getting hammered on Saturday and planned on self harming so there was no way I was going to be talked out of it by anyone. I didn't even take the Lorazepam I was prescribed. I was very determined that I was going to that night. The thing is I didn't realise quite how far I had taken it. I came round about 3 hours later in the resus area of A+E and was told that I needed stitches...well that is why I was on my way there. I was on some drip as the acid levels in my blood were high and I was still tachy.

I was taken up to a ward about 6 hours after being taken in to hospital, not before I witnessed a young girl of 20 die. She was murdered. I must say it kinda made me re-evaluate things. It made me realise that life it worth living, just that it is only self harm and not suicide attempts. I think this is what pulled me out of the cycle of suicidalness last time I was there. I remember being in for a paracetamol od and was on a ward and the person in the bed next to me died. She was an elderly lady but still. Being that close to death kinda freaked me out even though she died of natural causes.

It took over an hour to suture the wound. It's massive. I was told I was being kept in for observation on medical ward as of my heart rate and blood levels. They thought I had taken something. In all honesty I don't know if I did. I have empty blister packets but I can't remember taking them.

I was seen that day by the nurse guy from psych medicine. Before I really did not want to see him. My previous contact had not filled me with hope and really didn't see that he could do much and just thought I was wasting my time and had the feeling that all he saw was the diagnosis I was given previously. I thought with it being a Sunday that it wouldn't be him I saw, and when I saw him walking down the ward towards me my heart sank. But this time he seemed to listen to me. Seemed to understand my concerns. I am still not convinced by his theory of why I have started to self harm again. He thinks I am scared of failing and I am self sabataging by doing this. Just because it coincides with the start of a course I am doing.

I don't know, maybe he is right in some of the things he is saying. I know he is trying to use scare tactics in to making me stop...saying I may lose a leg or I may end up accidentally killing myself. When he is telling me this I am thinking well I don't want that to happen. But at the same time I know what he is doing. Using these scare tactics to try and make me stop. OK, thinking about it rationally now I think well I don't want that to happen but when i want to self harm nothing will stop me. I don't care about that.

A major bone of contension with me is the diagnosis they keep trying to pin on me. I really don't agree with it. I don't fit in to the major categories of it and it really annoys me. I have worked with people with the same diagnosis and I am not like them. Also, because of the work I have done I know of the stigma that comes attached to that diagnosis. It is the one no one has any time for as they feel it is untreatable. It's something within the person themselves and they are not mentally ill.

I know I am depressed again. The "smell" has returned. I know it sounds weird, but I know when I am bad because I get these smell hallucinations. It's always the same smell that no one else can get. I am also getting super paranoid. I know my way of dealing with these low feelings needs to be addressed and that it is psychological and is not a mental illness. And, I know that I need help. But I also have to be warey of the help I get as it could affect my future career. I don't want to become involved with the "services" as more than likely if I get the career I want I will end up working in those particular services....the irony is I chose this career as of a guy I used to see who helped me loads.

I've not actually discussed this sensory hallucination with anyone before. I know that it's not real even though I can smell it as no one else can. Another thing nurse man said is if things carry on the way they are I will end up being admitted on to a psych ward. He said he knew it wasn't what I needed at the moment and he will help me get in contact with these people who can go through things with me that isn't part of the NHS and will be a great help. So, I am waiting for him to call me back so he can tell me how he has got on with getting in contact.

How do I feel at the moment....

Well.... I want to self harm. I want to cut. OK, my leg really hurts from where I cut it and at the moment I have got over 50stitches in me. But that feeling of the flesh ripping...well it's better than anything I have experienced. I know I need to have that changed. I was really temped earlier. I was dressing my wound and I was cutting open stuff and I half prodded an old wound. It didn't hurt. I knew I was releasing the pain endorphins already but I managed to pull back before things got too bad. Just stuck a steri-strip over it to re-close it.

My theory on why I am feeling depressed again is because of the hormones in my body. I have been researching the links between polycystic ovarian syndrome and depression and there seems to be a big correlation. I am hoping when I see my GP on Wednesday that I can get the combined pill to regulate things and also I am going to suggest another anti-depressant. With patients sometimes we use 2 different ones at the same time. I am going to suggest that to him also and see if that helps. At the moment I am just so scared that things will get worse and I know the pattern last time was going from self harming to being suicidal and making attempts so I want to feel better before it gets there and that is why I am so scared!

Saturday, 2 October 2010

It's been a while but here I am again!


it's been a year since I last blogged and I used it as a method of getting things off my chest. So I thought I would try again being as though things are beginning to be a bit shit again. I've had mental health problems in the past with being depressed and self harming and even suicide attempts. I was at my worst about 2 years ago when I was severely depressed and was self harming on a regular basis. So, I'm starting this again being as though I am feeling depressed again. I don't know why, that is the annoying and worrying thing. I have cut down on my drinking loads as I was wondering if that was having an effect but after having a week off alcohol and not longer binging I am feeling no better. The self harm has started again and it is quite bad. I have gone back on to cutting. I am really concerned though as it started with cutting before and I progressed from there in to worse things and getting to a stage where I couldn't cope. I have been back on meds since Feb which was as of a preventative measure as I can out of a very hositle relationship and was worried at the time that it would set things off. Even with the daily emotional abuse I was getting in this relationship and sometimes even physical I felt that i had to hang on to this relationship as I loved him, I had been with him a long time; from going from a child in to an adult. We had talked about marriage and children and were planning them in the not too far future. We loved each other and were each others best friends and worst enemies. So when it came to an end I thought my world had ended. Yet somehow, even though life was shit and felt as though I was losing my sanity I managed to keep things together and didn't self harm or anything.

Yet now, I have come to terms with the end of the relationship and can see it was for the best. I feel positive about being single, I am enjoying being single, I am even enjoying living back with the parents. I've started a new chapter in my life and have moved on. There is a new guy on the scene who I quite like but I don't want anything serious at the moment. I have started a masters to better myself and finally get a career. I know what I want out of my life. So the question is ask is why the hell do I feel like this? It started a couple of weeks back, that I noticed anyway. It used to be others around me noticed I was depressed again before I even realised. I don't know where it came from but something in me wanted to self harm and also overdose. I had a few Diazepam that I had brought back from Asia and ended up taking those. I did it while my friend was here, why I don't know. Usually I am very private about my MH. I don't discuss things. She figured out something was wrong as she came upstairs and noticed the empty packets. She called ambulance and I was taken in and was kept in for 2 nights. It was on coming out of hospital that suddenly the black cloud re-appeared and my mood went so low that I didn't know what to do. Well I did and it was the wrong was self harming. It was a way of coping. I can't feel the pain when I cut. A little scratch maybe at first but then once you can feel the razor making those deep incisions, slicing through tissue it's like a calm sereene washes over me. Something happens where I just feel so calm and relaxed. The feeling of the blood pouring down my leg is better than any sex, better than any pill or medication. I don't understand what it is. I don't get why it helps or even what I am escaping from.

Even the feeling of it at the time overrules the feeling of awfulness of sitting in the ED waiting to be seen by horrible nurses who have seen it so many times, who hate it, who think it is just an attention seeking ploy. I have said myself on here that people do self harm for the attention. I know they do. I work with people like it. But they get everyone to feed in to it. They use it as a way of getting what they want. I have worked in psych care for about 2 years now and have seen my fair share of self harmers. I have seen the people who do it for similar reasons to myself and also the people who use it as an attention seeking ploy. Yes, I hate the way I am treated at the ED when I go in. People don't understand self harm. Even as a self harmer I don't understand it. You get asked why you do it, do you want to speak to someone and then you are left in a busy waiting room feeling anxious and upset as the feeling of the euphoria is wearing off and you want to cut some more, you want to get out of there but at the same time you still have a little high left from remembering the feeling you felt when you were slicing through your own tissue. And that's why I usually drink. So I can deal with being in the ED better. So the alcohol makes you not care. I don't drink and then self harm. I don't self harm because I have been drinking. I just know that for me excuse the pun but it's not going to cut it unless there is serious damage. I know when I self harm I am going to have to get it sewn up. I know if I don't I could risk losing a limb etc.

My self harm varies. It can be planned or it can be on the spare of a moment. I can plan it a few days in advance even. Getting the tools I need to do it. Making sure I will not be disturbed that night. I bet people are thinking well if you are planning on doing it and it's not a suicide attempt then surly you can do something about it. But, what about the people who go out and take drugs....they plan that. Drug taking is self harm and probably more dangerous so why think of this as being any different? People smoke, people drink; they plan that they are going to get so out of it and lose all inhibitions and maybe even have one night stands, risk STD's, unplanned pregnancy, getting seriously injured as they are so drunk. I plan cutting myself. What's the big deal. It's not going to have long term affects like the above. I am not saying what I do is normal. I know it's not normal. I know i need to stop. I want the help to stop before getting to the stage where I feel suicidal again. But writing about why helps me get off my chest why I do it. Why it is important to me at the moment and maybe possibly even trying to normalise it for myself. Trying to make myself think it is ok to do so. I could go on forever trying to normalise it, trying to rationalise my reasons for it. Maybe, as me with a MH background should even see here that it is not right. That I need help.

I know I do!

I have asked for help. I spoke to someone at psych medicine department. He was a nurse. I could tell he was annoyed with me. I could tell he had read my file and seen the diagnosis. Which I have argued and argued with the Psychiatrist about in the past saying it was a load of crap and the only reason they were saying that was as they were using it as a last ditch attempt at a diagnosis as being depressed and having poor coping mechanisms is not a diagnosis. So, I went to my GP and said you need to help me, I don't know what has triggered it but I know I need help, counselling, a mental health assessment, anything. I have even been prescribed lorazepam to try and help me. I am reluctant to take it. I sleep a lot at the moment anyway without having that knock me out. I need to be awake and be doing uni work. Not out of it on a benzo. I suppose they are there for when I feel really bad though. Like when i get overly angry and I want to self harm for the wrong reasons.

I know I am weird!