Concentration

I am having massive problems with concentration over the past few days. It's really bugging me. I can't function. I am struggling at work as I can't concentrate on a task. I am also starting to proper freak about uni work as I have soooo much to do in the next 6 weeks and I can't bloody focus.

I am getting more and more stressed as I can't focus which is making my concentration even worse. I am stuck in a vicious circle. I can't even sit and watch a tv programme as my concentration span is less than 5 minutes. I have fallen behind on reading blogs as I just sit looking at the words as though they are a foreign language.

I've gotta see the nurse tomorrow to have my BP taken as last time I went to GP it was high and can't be high to be on the pill. Do I mention it to her. Is there any drugs out there legal (and maybe not so legal) that I can get to make me concentrate? I am in a vicious circle and things are getting worse.

I am so bloody irritable at the moment. Everything. I'll be ok one minute with something and then all of a sudden I am like whoahhhh, STOP. On the 15 minute drive home from work I got through 200 songs on my iPod only listening to parts of them.

I feel like I am in a vicious circle as I am getting annoyed that I can't concentrate and I will then think about the work I need to be doing. I will then get annoyed more so as there is so much to do and I keep thinking about it along with a million other things and then that makes me more not being able to concentrate. It's like I am in a vicious circle.

I am not watching the Royal Wedding. I don't get the whole hype. It's just two people getting married. Me personally if I ever get married I don't want a load of people I couldn't care less about going to my wedding. I mean come on...Posh and Becks going to the church? It's all about status and I am not particularly keen on the royal family. Other than be a tourist attraction I can't really see what they do. OK. Hit me with the comments on that one.

I have never seen as many chavs under one roof as I saw last night. It was an interesting experience and was not at all something I would have chosen to do but only went as my friend asked me as she didn't want to be gooseberry. It was shit. I don't like them or anything like them. I am a bit of a music snob though and will only listen to certain music. I won't give much a go unless it is the same genre as the stuff I like. Although, I must say. Lady Gaga is a guilty pleasure of mine.

Met my favourite author yesterday also. The person who was in front of me in the queue kept making comments on mine and my friends conversation about what we were saying to each other. I kind of made me paranoid. She was on her own and kept her back to me. My friend didn't really notice it but everything I said she kind of kept repeating it and saying "that's interesting". She then went on to comment how she wears a tiara when she does her housework. What that had to do with anything and when we weren't even talking to her. Kind of annoying really.

I let quite a lot tonight. I was hoping it would sort of knock me. Slow things down a bit. It hasn't. I am still where I was. Time is going like superfast. I don't like it. I wish I was 6 again and time seemed to stand still and summer holidays lasted forever. 6 weeks of school. Amazing. I'd love 6 weeks off now. I would love to go knock on my friends doors and see if they wanna come out and play, go swimming, play tennis in the street, play kurby. I spent hours and hours playing kurby. Was a brilliant game. You don't seem to see kids playing anymore. I wish I was still a kid and not getting older. I felt really old last night. I was jealous of the kids in front of me smuggling their bottle of vodka in (I say kids they were about 15). I would have done the same at their age. You could tell they had put loads of effort in to getting ready to go out. They had probably spent hours talking with each other about what they were going to wear that night.

What happened to all of that. When did I start just throwing on the first clean thing I can find in the morning.I saw clean. I often have to sponge food or something off something I am wearing. So I should probably say the first non smelly thing I can find. But then I have never been a typical girlie girl. i like to shop. But it has to be on my own. I don't like going with other people. They just start to annoy me. And I don't like being held up by others. I get to a point where I have had enough I am have to leave NOW!

I have got a busy day at work tomorrow. All the team except me is off next week. I can't say I am looking forward to that. I have no concentration at the moment and I find if I am in the office on my own I just sit there staring in to space and I  can't get work done. We had handover today and I can't remember a word from it about the different service users.

Do you prefer to be called patient, client or service user? I never know which one to say,

I don't know what to do my dissertation on. It need to be social work based, I was wanting to do mental health and the stigma attached to it. I want it to be related to social workers (obviously) but I am really unsure what to do...
Please HELP ME.

Honestly. I am so stuck. If someone could give me a couple of ideas to start from and maybe an idea of a couple of questions I can possibly raise.

I am really stuck on this one. Grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Going bed now. Well I am trying to.

xxxx

Happy 100.

I've made it to 100 posts. I didn't actually think I would and to be honest I am not sure if I will make it to 200.

I started this blog as a diary. I have re read most of my posts recently and have found that where some things have changed, over all, I still feel the same.

I am still a bit all over the place at the moment and it has been like it for over a week now. I think to try and get my thoughts to slow down and for me to slow down I am going to have to ask my GP for drugs. I don't know if he will be able to give me anything. But it's worth trying. I have been on full speed now for over a week. I am struggling to concentrate on anything. I am trying to read other people's blogs and I can't. I seem to be going a million miles an hour.

The suicidal thoughts are still there. In one way it is better being like this as they come in and go very quickly as another thought will soon pop in and take over. It's hard work though. The way I have seen someone else describe it describes it perfectly for me.

 Imagine you are in John Lewis on the 3rd floor in the TV and Audio department. You have about 100 different TVs and also 100 different CD/Audio players. Each one is playing a different thing. I am managing to hear each one at the same time. Each sound is crisp and clear.

When it is not like this the suicidal thoughts come and stay and is all I can concentrate on. Now I have so much going through that I don't have control.

I don't know what is going off in my head but it scares me.

I went a bit mad on the shopping over the weekend. I don't plan on taking any of it back and I plan on going to out of town Matalan tomorrow to get some tops. I am near by in the afternoon so I may as well right?

I've got quite a busy week this week. I am actually going to a psychiatric hospital tomorrow for work/placement. I am quite worried. In my stupid paranoid head I think everyone is in on the game and by people saying can I go as my views and experience will help it's really all just a ploy to get me to the hospital.

Yeh. I am mad!

I am trying to rationalise it all saying that if they are going to section me then they will just turn up with the police, restrain me and drag me there. Why would they go to all that effort? But. I can't help but still think these things and worry about them. So what can I do?

It gets harder and harder to rationalise with myself. I know I need to. I know I need to keep talking to myself to tell myself that is not how it works. I need to tell myself that I am not being followed, there are not hidden cameras in my house/car/room. The whole idea of it is preposterous. I mean I have worked in psych hospitals. I know they can't do that. But why the hell am I so paranoid about it? Why when I rationalise or try to there is still seeds of doubt that is going on. Also. If I am so paranoid...why is my blog a safe place where I can say what I want? A blog I have given electronic extracts to Sam of (and if you copy and paste it it comes up with the blog in it's full detail....yeh I didn't think that one out), a blog about 6 people other than me reads. Why can I still do that. Surly this would say a lot more than following me around. Yet why am I not paranoid about this? I am weird!

And yet. I can't say any of these thoughts to anyone as I am so scared about being sectioned.

Maybe I put too much trust in to my online diary and I should stop putting so much of myself in to it.

Maybe I will re-consider this whole thing. Yet rational me thinks who the hell is going to want to read about my shit.

Grrrrr.

Did I Really Need...

5 new pairs of trousers
4 new pairs of shoes
5 new tops
2 new eyeliners
2 foundations
5 nail varnishes
2 new pj bottoms when I already have 3 I already haven't worn
2 toothbrushes (I brought the top of the range electric one only 2 months ago).
2 lots of dry shampoo.

I think I went a tad mad today. And now I have the shopping blues!

Disappointed....but for the wrong reasons.

I wrote about it last night on SF. I had tried self harming last night by my usual blood letting methods and I could just not find a vein anywhere. So lots of puncture marks no release. I had worked myself up to it. I knew I was going to and had worked up to have those feelings released by the self harm. Then they didn't I just felt really disappointed and let down.

It's bad isn't it when things work out like that.

I have slept loads today at least. I woke up at about 11, went back to nap at 1 and woke at 4.30pm. Good nap. Think it was cos I took 150mg of Quetiapine last night. I am only supposed to be on 100mg. My thought processes behind taking more were that I wanted to sleep the day away. I plan on a bottle of wine and the same again tonight and hopefully I can spend most of Sunday asleep.

I had thought it would be a nice idea to go on the park with a book. But the idea of getting dressed and sorted was too much for me today. So it has been a PJ day.

I think part of the reason I am feeling so down is because I don't have any money and it's a week until I get some more.

I get a bursary though of around £2000. It is meant to last me 4 months. I know what I am like though. I am already planning the things I want to buy. It's my birthday in June so I can ask for some of the things for my birthday. I want some RayBan prescription sunglasses. So I will ask for those as a birthday present. So I wont be needing to buy them. I also want some new clothes. I need a summer wardrobe. You know those harem style trousers I want some of those as I get too hot in jeans over the summer, so I will probably buy a couple of pairs of those. I also need tops. I only have 1 t-shirt at the minute. I don't really like wearing t-shirts as of two reasons....my bingo wings and scars. I think normal people wont question them but professionals and people in the field I am in will.

I think I am going to get a bouncy castle also. Ok, that sounds a bit weird...but I want a BBQ for my birthday and I had a bouncy castle for my 21st and it was great so I want another one. It is a good laugh when you are pissed and there's a few of you. I was covered in bruises though. Worth it!

I say I am going to have a BBQ. But I hate organising anything. My friends are useless. I try and do something and they always drop out at the last minute and I end up getting hurt. So not sure if I want to arrange something like a bouncy castle if only 4 people will come. It's always loads of effort trying to arrange anything and I end up being let down. So I don't know if I will bother after all.

I also want to get a ticket to Leeds festival. The line up looks amazing. My brother is going with my sister-in-laws brother so I have asked if I can tag along and he has said yeah. The line up looks brilliant and I really wanna go. I get petrol money back from placement at the end of the month and that will pretty much cover my ticket cost. So I don't really mind paying £200 for the ticket. As I said...line up = amazing!

I have been sitting planning what I am going to spend my money on. It's bad isn't it? I know I should be saving it but I can't have it sitting there in the account.

I was going to go to Spain for a few days but I would rather go to the festival so I am putting the money towards that. I need new shoes also. I'm getting a pair of coloured converse (slightly more summery) and I need some summer shoes that aren't open toe or too soft. Risk of needle stick injuries and all that.

I've gone a bit mad there haven't I?

I still feel like I wanna self harm. I will do later. I think having a drink may help as dilutes my veins and brings them to surface.

I am feeling a bit speeded up today and I can't concentrate on one idea for any period of time. I thought reading a book may be a nice idea but I read the first page over and over as it wasn't going in. Annoying.

x

Bahhhh Humbug!

I'm just not looking forward to Xmas this year. What do I have to look forward to. Actually I was the same last year. Xmas just no longer does it for me. Last year I had a boyfriend though, someone Else's family I could escape to. You see my family like to drink. Not just a couple but far too much that results in arguments and broken things. For the past few years I have been able to escape it all. I used to stay with his parents Xmas eve, wake up with them and do presents and then leave him with his family all day and then I would come back to mine. Do presents and dinner and then go back to his house in the evening. Perfect.

I like a drink too but not so much that I can't play games etc. Xmas should be about playing board games etc. Not drinking so much that arguments start and falling asleep.


I said last year to my boyfriend at the time that we should go on holiday over Xmas as I really didn't enjoy it last year. It's all too much. It's noisy and just annoying. The run up to Xmas gets me also. The shops get stupidly busy, people get annoying etc etc etc. Then there is people who put their decorations up really early...why??? As I drive around and from what I have seen by some of my friends on facebook people already have their decorations up. If it were up to me I wouldn't bother this year, I didn't last year either. But I live with my parents and my mum will want a tree etc. I can't see the point. I wouldn't actually be bothered if Xmas was cancelled this year. This year it will be even more pathetic. There will only be 4 of us for dinner! Some dinner that will be. I have said to my Mum that she shouldn't bother going to the effort of doing a dinner and we should go out somewhere. But then there's the issue with my Dad and he wont want to do that and we must all keep him happy.

I have my second nephew due just before Xmas and that's great. I am looking forward to meeting him. But because of the timing that newbie my brother and his partner want a quiet one with just her family and them. I don't blame them. For the past 4 years she has had to put up with my mad family. She's going to be knackered so why should she have to put up with the moodiness etc. We went to their house last year and it was lovely. But this year it's just my parents and me and my other brother. Who hasn't properly spoken to my Dad since a family holiday in August which went tits up. So you can see the fun I am bound to have there. I am considering actually getting a shift and working Xmas!!!! But then that would just leave the 3 of them.

I think if it wasn't for the fact that newbie will be making his arrival shortly I would have badgered someone in to going away somewhere hot. I would spend Xmas day by a pool/in the pool reading. The fact that I don't have a boyfriend doesn't help things either. Is it bad though that it's not him I will miss this year it's the idea of him and having somewhere else to escape to. Who am I kidding? Of course I miss him. I think about him most of the time even though I have not actually seen him in nearly 8 months! He is with someone else now and has been with her since April time so it must be love. We were not good for each other and I do want him to be happy...just not this soon. But I keep having images of his new girlfriend sitting around playing board games with his family in my spot. Her there Xmas morning opening presents with them all, going to the panto with them. I want to hate her. I don't like her I know that. Well I don't as I have never met this girl. She could be lovely for all I know...I have heard on the grapevine she is quite dull though and this is from 2 different sources. I know I couldn't ever get back with GOM. Not now, too much has happened and I know that I would be doing so for the wrong reasons and if we did we would only break up again when we hit a rough patch. It could never last between us. Also, I have too much pride; there is only so many times you can go crying on your friends and families shoulders about him.

So, cancel Xmas please. Or put me in a coma from now until Jan 7th when everything returns to normal. I don't like new year either. Why does everyone feel the need to go out and force them selves in to having a great time and spending a fortune as everywhere puts their prices up, you spend ages queuing to get in to crap places as everywhere is packed. You also have to pay a cover charge on these crap places. A taxi home costs more than double what it usually does and then you are queuing a life time for that also. So Bahhhhhh Humbug to it all!!!