Monday, 31 January 2011


I have spent most of the day online responding to peoples posts on SF. It has been keeping me distracted for wanting to self harm and getting in to an even lower mood. I have had quite a bad weekend. I haven't self harmed massively, just blood letting. To me that is better in terms of medically. I am not taking up resources, I don't need treatment for it and it doesn't leave massive gashes that can go infected like the ones at the moment. Although I am probably to blame with these as I haven't been taking the antibiotics as they make me ill so I hope I will fight the infection myself. I planned on staying in bed all day yesterday and I actually cried when my mum said I was actually expected to be at my brothers for dinner at 12.

Originally I thought it was just my parents invited and was quite happy with that. So yesterday when she woke me at 11.15 to say I needed to get ready I actually cried. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt so low. So low that I couldn't consider doing anything like self harm or suicide I just did not have the energy. Dinner was lovely though and I do enjoy seeing my nephews. I think my mum had called my brother to see about me going though as I had a talk yesterday from my Dad that they were worried as I was spending too much time in my room. And then he asked me why I was so miserable. I could have exploded. I am not being miserable. I am more than that. I hate the way people play down my emotions. From Gom I used to get "have you tried just being happy". From my Dad a few weeks ago "are you feeling happier now"; used as if it was just a bad day I was having the day they found out about the SH. People do it all the time. "Are you feeling sad"? No I am not feeling sad. Sad, miserable, unhappy do not even come close. I don't know what does.  But when people use such loose terms as those it makes me angry as there is so much more going on.

So back from dinner and then in to my room. I was asked if I would sit downstairs with them and read. But there was no way. I want to be on my own at the moment. I don't want to be around other people. Especially when they are drinking and then take the piss out of me by mimicking me if I don't give a bright, upbeat reply. I can't be that person at the moment. Sometimes I can pretend but I don't have the energy to do that at the moment.

So today, I have had an appointment with the Psychiatrist. He said I seemed lower in mood since last week - I do. I am not sure if was last week I was coming out of crisis point with the SH over the weekend and being able to SH and being able to do what I wanted. We talked about the build up to when I SH and I said that sometimes I can feel it, sometimes I am not aware of it, sometimes it just happens. But sometimes I make a decision. "Tonight I will SH". That's what I woke up with this morning. Even before going to see him today.

So we talked about my mood, my medication. He asked me what I wanted and I said I didn't want to feel like this anymore. For me my main problem at the moment is my low mood. I can deal with the SH when I am not feeling as low. I suggested combining medication. I said I wanted to try combining different groups. He said it was not likely they would do that as he doesn't think it is something that can be medicated. He feels that we should be increasing the dose of Mirtazapine first which I said I wouldn't take at all if he did as it made my appetite massive and I put on weight while on maximum dose which meant that I stopped taking it. He then went on to say would be looking at trying different types of medication next which would have worse side effects for me. Another thing I don't want. He said the only times they look at combinations is in inpatients.

We then had another argument about diagnosis and I told him what I thought. I said it's not just that there is a stigma with personality disorders within mental health professionals and that it insinuates it is something innate that can't be fixed, it's that I honestly don't believe I meet criteria for it. I told him that all I was getting was low mood and I self harmed. He was then saying it was feelings of chronic emptiness I was feeling. I hate that. I hate it when people tell me what I am feeling. So I asked him what the difference was. He didn't give a very good answer really but from what he was describing anyone with re-occurring could have the feelings of chronic emptiness. Chronic emptiness is basically low mood that can persist or go away and come back for no reason. Can anyone see the difference here? Me neither. So here is what I got from Wiki. I know it's not exactly the best reference but it is the same info as I was given in a lecture about it

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5

5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.

6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness

8.Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

Ok, so out of these. I meet no5 as I self harm and have tried to kill myself numerous times, 7 if this is the same as low mood and possibly 9 as of the occasional voices I hear, the dreams, and how I can get quite paranoid about silly things. So a possible 3. But, if I look at other PD types I would meet some of those. So would most people. OK, there are traits but then everyone has them.

So talking more with Dr he sort of gave in on arguing with me as he knew he wouldn't be able to tell me otherwise. I'm quite stubborn me you see.

Anyhoo, he recommended Psychoanalytic Therapy. I said I would give this ago. He said the only thing was was that no one would take me on while I was self harming still. At this I got quite upset and nearly started crying. I can usually manage my emotions really well but think as I was feeling so low I couldn't really hold it back. I said how the hell was I supposed to stop SH when I didn't know what caused it or when it was going to happen. It was not like I could just flick a switch. He said he understood and said I need to learn to ask for help. He said I had been given the details of crisis team I needed to be aware of when the feelings were coming on and to call them and ask for help. I said I couldn't do that as I find it really hard to speak to people on the phone. I don't even like speaking to family on the phone. I don't like not being able to gauge peoples reactions so I would struggle with speaking on the phone to someone. And, the having to explain everything that was going on. I can't do that. I have tried all these helpline things before also and have just found them patronising and so I won't use them.

He then went on to say people without PD's have used the PD networks services before and found them helpful and that they would take people on who still self harm as will integrate different therapies. I said from what I knew of the PD Network it was mainly group based and there was no way I would  sit in a group and talk about my emotions. I said it's hard enough for me to do it with one person never mind a few. And, it wasn't just that it was that I worked in mental health for the last 2 years, am likely to carry on working on the wards once this mood lifts and possibly even want a career in that area. There was no way I would risk previous patients I had nursed seeing me there. I also may see patients and service users I may come across in the next couple of years.

I know it seems I am full of "I won't do this". I appreciate I have gone and asked for help and people are trying to and I am not accepting it. I apologised to the Dr for this as if I had a patient like that it would drive me mad. But I know myself. I know that group work wont work with me. I know I wouldn't engage. I am also fighting this "diagnosis", I put it in speech marks as they were saying they haven't diagnosed me yet just that there are traits. Well I keep getting told different things. I will carry on fighting it also. So with me fighting it I don't want to engage in something that they do as looks as though I am accepting it as a diagnosis. But, the group thing put me off more than anything.

So in the end, the Dr said he would refer me to a Clinical Psychologist. They would work individually with me and is more flexible in their approach. So it's just a matter of time of waiting for appointments etc to come through. He said I should get an assessment appointment through in a couple of weeks and then should be able to start seeing someone regularly quite quickly.

I know this post has been a bit he said she said but as I said I am also using this as a distraction technique and also like a diary so it's something I will look back on in a few days, weeks, months and then I'll laugh at myself for being so pathetic.

I have an idea what I will write about in the next one and I would appreciate peoples comments on the next blog as I need feedback on it. But I'll probably wait a few days before posting again.

Thanks for reading - if you do?

Thursday, 27 January 2011


Music means everything to me. I listen to it when I am sad, when I am happy, scared, anxious, drunk, nervous, bored, sleeping. Basically I am never without my iPod. My iPod is one of those things I would take on a desert island.

So at the moment I thought I would share a few of my most listened to songs...

White Lies - Bigger Than Us

White Lies - Death

The Killers - Dustland Fairytale

Biffy Clyro - Many of Horror

The Killers - Sam's Town

The Killers - Jenny Was a Friend of Mine

The Fray - How to Save a Life

Florence and the Machine - Dog Days are Over

Marina and the Diamonds - Obsessions

White Lies - Unfinished Business

Robbie Williams - Feel

Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes

That's just a few of my favourite ones at the minute.


Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Why I Do This - (and other musings....I like musing you see)

I am a member on and use this quite a bit when I feel bad. I blurt out all I am thinking and what is going through my head and I get support from other people who have been in the same position. I think it's a really good idea. When I am not feeling as bad I am often one of the people that provides support to others.

It's kinda like what the NHS does with some mental health services. It encourages people who have experienced their own mental health demons to apply for jobs. If you think about it, imagine you are sectioned in a hospital. You are feeling suicidal and can't see a way out. Now who would you most likely want to take advice from...some person who has never had any problems with their mental health, they may be a lovely person, good at their job, but really do they know what they are going on about? Or, the person who has been there themselves. That can turn around and say "actually, I do understand how you are feeling as I have been there myself".  I have actually found working in mental health most of the staff I have met through the work I have done have had their own problems. One of my closest friends through work self harms, has attempted suicide, has had eating disorders, has depression and fights her own demons. Another friend was sectioned and was placed in one of the hospitals I work in. I went in to mental health as of my own experiences. I chose Social Work as a career as of the SW I used to see a couple of years back. He was amazing. Ok sort of gone off course there.

Anyway, I have been using SF quite a bit recently as I have not been doing well at all. I have never had any problems with it until yesterday when one guy made some horrible comments such as

" You are a drain on society"
"You are a waste of space"
"You are wasting everyone time"
You, only do it for the attention hence writing on here and keeping a blog".

He wrote quite a lot of hurtful abusive comments about the self harm and that anyone who does it only does it for attention.

Well I was quite upset about it and it really made me question if using those forums was the best thing to do. I spoke to a few other users and made me feelings known to them that I was upset and he had made me question if I was doing the right thing in using them.

It also made me think about why I blog and why I use SF.

I remain anonymous on here. I don't know if people will actually read this. I know no one I know would do. I did mention to one friend that I blogged and she wanted the address and I said there was no way I was telling her. I use this as a diary. A sounding board to get my thoughts blurted out on. It helps me keep it together. I use it as a distraction technique for when I am feeling like I want to harm it keeps me away from it. Also, if by some chance someone does read it, someone who doesn't self harm and has all these misconceptions about it, well I hope that by being brutally honest about it it will help them have a better understanding. Sometimes I just write on here as I just feel like writing.

I use SF in a slightly different way. Sometimes I need support. One of my issues is that I am overly bothered about peoples perceptions of me. So if I am struggling, if I do something then I can't tell them. Even the professionals who I have met numerous occasions I can't even be honest with them. In fact, there is stuff that I have not even written about on here as I am worried about peoples perceptions. I like to be liked. But then don't we all. But I will do anything to ensure that I am liked. I will go out of my way to help people and not accept anything for it. I really struggled at first working in mental health when patients didn't like me. It took me ages to get over it and realise that they didn't like me as I wouldn't let them have something they could self harm with, or just that I was seen as a professional, one of them! It took me ages to realise it wasn't actually me they didn't like, it was what I was doing. Anyway, with SF I use it to blurt. To voice my thoughts and get feedback on them. Short, not thought out thoughts. I know it doesn't look like it but I do actually think about what I say on here. If looking for advice it attention seeking, then maybe I do that.

Another thing about this self harm thing, no one close to me knows the true extent of it. I have friends who know it's something that happened in the past, friends who don't have a clue that I ever have, friends who know it's something that has happened recently. But no one knows the true extent of things. I don't talk about it with people. If a friend asks me about it I change the subject. I don't like talking about it with people I know. I know there will come a time when I know Sam and Mike better and I will close off to them. No one who knows me knows that I spend my time trawling the net looking at ways I can die that will be a) painless b) quick c) look like an accident d) wont leave someone else thinking it was their fault (so rules out falling in front of a train as it approaches the platform) e) doesn't require an act of bravery on my part as I am a wuss.

So yeah, I have quite a lot of criteria there. I am a wuss. I really am. Although I plan the OD's I always drink before taking them.

So why do I self harm?

I really don't know. I know while doing it I get a rush. It's better than sex (maybe I do need a new boyfriend and sex may help slow down the self harm a little lol). The feeling of the slicing of the flesh. It's like releasing something and I can feel it escape. The cutting is quite a long drawn out process for me. For instance last week I was there 4-5 hours cutting my leg and I didn't realise where the time had gone. I go in to a disassociative state where I lose track of time. It was quite bad last week and it is usually only a couple of hours. When I blood let that is a quick fix. It takes about 30 minutes when I do it properly. There is something about seeing the blood coming out the needle which makes me feel as though I have smoked a spliff. When I want a quicker fix it's just about 5-10minutes of it.

I have been asked so many times about my childhood by different therapists, doctors etc that I have questioned it. I have always before been of a very it's a very freudian way of therapy wanting to relate it to childhood. But the more and more I get asked it the more I think, maybe just maybe those few incidents have had a much bigger impact on me than I realised. I have never shared them with anyone. I am not sure if I will do on here one day.

So my last question is...When do you call in crisis team?

They gave me their number on Monday. I was told I could call them 24/7. But why would I call them. Because I am thinking of cutting, because I am thinking of death? Well I'd never be off the phone would I? Then perhaps when you have made the decision you are going to cut, made the decision you are going to OD yet again. Well, I know myself. Once I have made that decision I will not tell anyone as I will not want anyone interfering with my plans. So the number is sitting there and I wonder, when exactly would I call them? And, I have already opened up to Sam and partly to Mike. I don't want to speak to yet another person who I don't know. I don't want to have to keep explaining over and over again. So for these reasons, I really don't think I will be calling them or making any use of their services.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

Self Harm

Self harm is the term used to describe when someone deliberately hurts themselves as a way of dealing with their emotions.

They may do this in a number of ways, including:

cutting or scratching themselves
burning themselves with a flame or something hot
causing bruising to the body by hitting themselves
throwing their body against something that will hurt
taking overdoses of tablets or medication
inserting objects into the body
hair pulling (also known as trichotilliomania)

This is by no means an exhaustive list.

Why do people self harm?

Self harm is a coping strategy that helps people to manage their emotional hurt or stress. It is important to remember that it is not attempted suicide, but it is something that people do in order to survive. Often people self harm to try and feel as if they have more control over their emotions, or to get immediate relief from high levels of distress. Sometimes people harm themselves because of self hate, or because they want to punish themselves.

Who self harms?
There is no straight forward answer to this. The truth is – anyone is at risk from self harming at some point in his or her life depending on the experiences they have and the way they feel about these experiences. People self harm for a variety of reasons and in a variety of ways, and what can cause one person to harm themselves, may not create the same level of distress in another person.

Popular culture would have you believe that young girls predominantly self harm but the research suggests otherwise. Findings suggest that in fact for the age range of mid 30s, men represent the majority of people attending Accident and Emergency for the treatment of self harm.

What causes people to self harm?

There are many things that can cause distress is someone that can in turn lead them to harm themselves. Such issues that may trigger the onset or a period of self harm might be bullying, trauma, abuse, school or work pressures, bereavement and difficult relationships but no experience can be disregarded. There doesn’t always need to be a triggering event in someone’s life that makes them turn to self harm, sometimes individuals just experience a period of decreased self esteem or increased distress that leads them to harm themselves.

Self harm is NOT
attention seeking or manipulative; self harm is neither of these things
a mental illness; it is a symtom of internal stress or distress
just a young person's problem
a suicide attempt, but is about staying alive
the problem but would suggest that the person is struggling with something else, it is a symptom of emotional distress
a problem that cannot be solved, people can learn to manage their emotions in a different way
for the pain, but for the respite people gain from their emotional pain or stress
a behaviour that is risky to others

The severity of self harm is not directly related to the level of distress that the individual is feeling. The fact that someone has harmed themselves is what is significant, not what they did or how severe their harm was.

The language that we use…
It is advisable not to describe the person who self harms as a ‘self harmer’, as this defines the individual only in terms of their self harm, and leaves little room for other areas of their personality to be described or explored.

Monday, 24 January 2011

A Weekend From Hell.

Things got bad. Really bad. Thursday night I took an overdose of nefopam and some drowsy anti-histamines. I also cut really badly. I also drank far too much alcohol having a whole bottle of Ameretto, and two bottles of wine. Somehow I ended up coming round the next morning at about 11am on the floor in the office. Locked in. Didn't have my phone on me to call anyone. Luckily there was the internet and I had to call a lock smith who came and climbed through the office window and then cracked the lock letting me be free. That cost me £70! Of course I also woke up not dead, but in a way I was glad as I planned to go out when the time came so wouldn't be my parents who found me. So I then fell asleep on the couch totally missing my appointment with Sam. I woke up and remembered the cut on my leg was horrendous. There was two of them and knew they needed stitching.

So come 5pm I take a trip to the hospital. I tell them at the hospital that I cut that day at about 2 pm as I knew they wouldn't close them if they knew if they were from the night before. I wasn't drunk when I cut. I was when I took the pills. I planned on taking the pills. I planned for a while but I drank also. I don't know if was for dutch courage or what. So I was taken straight in to a cubicle which was nice of them and the nurse was lovely. She is the nicest I have seen before. I was asked if I wanted to speak to anyone from psych medicine dept and I said if they wanted me to they would. So trousers off and on a bed so they can stitch. I was given a local anaesthetic but also gas and air as it wasn't working enough. I have decided when I have kids that there is no way I am doing it with gas and air. It doesn't bloody work! Give me all the drugs you can. So one cut was stitched up and then they had to get the consultant in for the big one. While I was waiting for the consultant, Mike (who is the nurse man I have seen before) comes in. He says he knows I have an appointment with the Dr on Monday (I wonder how he knows this as I only booked the appointment a couple of days before and it's a different department). He sits and chats to me for a bit and tells me how it is getting out of hand yadda yadda yadda and I agree. I know it is. I know it's out of hand. Anyway, after talking to him for a bit he goes off and comes back saying he will get me some Diazepam to help with the agitation etc. After 5 hours down at A+E and the Consultant stitching my thigh I am allowed home.

Saturday -

I had arranged to go out with my friend Saturday evening but really couldn't be bothered. However, I didn't want to let her down. I was feeling like shit as I had wanted to end it all Thursday night and it didn't work. I really don't know how I got locked in the office or why I even went in there. I was feeling knackered and rough still. However we did go out. We started chatting and after one drink we decided between us that neither of us wanted to go out and we were going to go home get a drink and have a chat at home. So we did. She was supposed to stay at mine but as she has not been getting on with her husband recently she decided she was going to go home. Well I persuaded her to wanting the house to my self as I wanted to cut etc. So as soon as she left I got the rest of the alcohol took it upstairs and went to town cutting my leg again. I have tried to go over old scars so I don't end up with more scars so I went over an old scar on my leg. From what I then remember I took a load of the dihydrocodeine and also some paracetamol, diclofenac and what ever else I could get my hands on. I can't really remember much else a part from coming round in A+E. I was told I had been brought in as had been found with a ligature round my neck. I looked at my phone and at 3am I had called a taxi. Don't have a clue where it took me. All I remember was being in the resus area of A+E and they had put a glucose drip up as my blood sugar was low.

Sunday -

I was taken to the ward where a nurse helped me get dressed, when I left I grabbed a bag that had clothes in it from when I was at my friends the other week. So I was quite lucky I had a change of clothes. She helped me get dressed as I couldn't even stand up. I then slept for about 5 hours. I was moved to a different area on the ward and was told someone from Psych Medicine would be coming to see me. I fell asleep again for a few hours and woke up to Mike standing there. Saying that it was getting out of hand.

We then went to another room and had a scary chat. He said we should be looking at admission. I begged, pleaded and nearly started crying. He said things couldn't continue the way there were or I would be looking at involuntary admission. Basically being put under section 2. I said I knew that it was getting out of hand etc. He said he was going to make a phone call to the doctor about it and see what he said. So I start panicking and go get back on the hospital bed and start crying. Luckily the doc he spoke to said wouldn't be for the best if I was put on a psych ward but if things continued that is the way they were going.

After a while I spoke to Mike again when he had done my notes asking to speak to him again. I asked him did he mean that if I self harmed again I would be sectioned. I said I knew that it would happen again and that even though I was there I was planning on when I could next do it. He said no it didn't automatically mean that but he knew I hadn't been honest with people as of taking the OD on Thursday and not telling anyone. Even when I was at the hospital on Friday and threw up all over the place I was asked if I had taken anything and I denyed it. I explained to him that I found it really hard to be honest and open knowing what position of power he was in and that my worst fear is ending up in a psych ward. He said he understood but how is anyone able to help if I can't be honest about the way I am feeling and what is going through my head. Also, if I was feeling the way I am once I have made up my mind about something then I am stubborn, I will do it and I won't tell anyone if it means I am not going to be able to do it. I said to him that I hadn't been honest and there was a whole lot of stuff I hadn't told him as I was worried about peoples perceptions of me. I told him that I know when I am bad as I get the smell come back. This is when there is this smell that no one else can smell, it's the same each time but no one else smells it. I told him about hearing voices occasionally and also seeing things that aren't there. I said it really scares me. He didn't seem shocked by this and kept a neutral expression and said when people are in despair it's not uncommon to have those things happen.

He said he was worried about me and especially the blood letting. He said I had not told him before. I thought I had as I don't really see it as a big deal as it's not going to get infected and I don't need treatment for it. He said it was concerning. I didn't tell him I had ordered a load of hypodermic needles off the internet. Or a scalpel either.

I had asked someone to look at my leg as I noticed the stitches had popped out of both wounds. A Doc came and said they needed re-stitching. 10 hours later someone came to do it. At first he said he wouldn't be able to as had been open too long. He was horrible. He was accusing me of removing my own stitches from it as wouldn't just pop open. I said either they did or they did in A+E. In the end he re-stitched one of them but he left the other one with just a dressing on. So I have a huge hold in my leg. I have not had them as painful as this before when I have cut. I can't weight bear on my leg that they are in. It was awful on Saturday then got a bit better, so I think they popped. I think they may have again as although still really really hurts it is not as bad. I was told to rest and keep it elevated but I haven't been able to. So my own fault really. He was really horrible though and being in hospital those last few hours was horrible as I was just waiting around. Although I did over hear some good news while I was there. There is a nurse in the A+E who I can't stand. Actually not even sure she is a nurse as think I heard her say band 3. Anyway, I overheard that she had got a new job in London. So horrible nurse is leaving. I can't stand the cow. She talks to me like crap and has no compassion at all.

Monday -

So today I had to go see the Psychiatrist. Mike had called him in advance and said what had happened and Mike had arranged crisis team to be there also. I didn't like the psychiatrist really and really didn't like the woman from crisis team. I didn't like Mike at first though, but my opinions are slowly changing. He was practical and to the point. Which is good.I suppose. I was told by the PDoc that I need to go back and see him in a week so see how things are and crisis gave me their number so I can call them when I need to. I can't see the point. I don't know what they can do. As I have said when I make up my mind to cut I know I will. There is no talking me down. So in all honesty I don't think they can help. I don't know what can really. I am still feeling suicidal and am looking in to ways of making it look like an accident. I really don't want to carry on feeling this way. I can't see what anyone else can do for me. I don't have people I can confide in really and if I did there is nothing they can do.

I don't want to be in hospital but I do think it may be the best place for me. Maybe at first things will get worse. There is no way I am going in though. No way at all. If it came down to it I would make sure I killed myself before even getting there and would do all I could to not get there. But what else does it leave?

Sunday, 16 January 2011


After my night out on Friday I am going to find it very hard to look at Stevie in the same light again. She turned into a drunken lunatic. In the end I am ashamed to say I had to call an ambulance for her. She just sort of spaced out and went to sleep on the pavement. I couldn't leave her there and it was cold. I was worried about her getting hypothermia. I know she also has psych problems. The paramedics were lovely. I apologised again and again. I know they had to be professional etc but I felt as though I had wasted their time. They told me I had done the right thing in calling as her airway was not great so they put a NPA in. They also put fluids up.

She has an amazing pain threshold. The paramedic said she wasn't unconscious just very drunk and sleeping. Yet, she tolerated the NPA, a few needles (as of crap veins) and sternum rubs. I was so embarrassed. But the worst was to come.

About 10mins of being in the ambulance and on the way to hospital she came around more and ripped the NPA can cannula out her hand. Caused a nose bleed and hand was bleeding every where. She turned in to an obnoxious fool. The paramedic tried to hold her down but being skinny and small she wriggled out. I tried to grab on also but it's hard to restrain when been drinking. The paramedic told the one who was driving to stop and Stevie managed to get off the bed and open the doors and fly off in to the night. She was shouting and screaming the whole time saying she was not going to the hospital.  The paramedic said he would wait a few mins as of the medication she was on and could be some interactions between that and alcohol. But he wasn't overly worried and she seemed better to me. She was managing to run. Her being small and skinny and in flats was no competition for me in heels and unfit. I had a look around for her and after about an hour got a call from her boyfriend asking what had gone on as she had returned home covered in blood. It was nice of her to tell me she had gone home as I was still out looking around the back streets. But at least she didn't tie anyone up in A+E and meant that I didn't have to wait with her for 4 hours at A+E.

She put me in a horrible position and was really pissed off at her for getting so drunk and doing what she did. I would like to say thanks to the paramedics of Friday night and sorry. I know I have been in that situation where I have taken an overdose and cut and been the obnoxious one requiring medical treatment. So I want to say sorry for that also. I know they will never read this but others in the medical profession may and so it's a general apology really. I know she has psych problems but it doesn't really excuse it. I think anyone who drinks so much they can't manage their own safety as some issues. Why would you want to drink so much. I do it. I know I have problems and I use alcohol as a method of self harm. But most the time I do go out with my friends have a few drinks and have a normal night. What gets me though with Stevie is why she has done it. I try to understand. I know it's not a one off and that paramedics and the NHS has big problems with young people and alcohol. I mean if you look at and then it's an ongoing theme.

Anyway, I tried calling her yesterday and funnily enough it goes to voicemail. I think she may be ignoring me as of her embarrassment. I text her boyfriend and he said she had been very sick all day and feeling very sheepish. I've told her to call me. There are issues she needs to address. And I want an apology! It was a great night ruined by stupidity.

I hope she felt worse than I did yesterday and I felt like I was dying. I am taking meds at the moment for PCOS. It has reduced my tolerance of alcohol and I am getting the worst hang overs. I was feeling sick all day yesterday and still do now. I had read it was one of the side effects. On support forums etc people have said when taking the meds after having a couple of drinks the next day they would get the hangover from hell. It's either that, or I am getting old and I can't manage drink anymore. Probably a mixture of them both. I remember when I was younger being sick at night so I could drink more and then not having a hangover at all the next day and being able to go to work after 3-4 hours sleep. Now if I have to work I can't drink at all. I can't manage it. I need at least 8 hours, if have been drinking preferably 12 hours sleep. I have cut down on what I drink now also which is good.

Anyway, I am off out for a nice Sunday Roast and need to wash my hair!

Thursday, 13 January 2011

More Musings

Things are getting worse.

I know I shouldn't have stopped taking the meds but I can't cope with the way they make me feel. If I take them at night they affect my sleep so much that I feel like crap as I haven't had any sleep. If I take them during the day they make me feel so sick I can't function. So basically I can't function on them. I know they worked in improving my mood but I can't be doing with the physical side effects also. I last took one on Tuesday evening but last had one on Thursday before that so it's a week since I have taken them properly. Surly they wouldn't be out my system that quickly?

Things have gotten bad again for me. I am planning on self harming in a few days as to get some escape. I have mentioned it to Sam but I have not told her the extent on which I am planning. I know she would have to break confidentiality and I have said because of this I would not even say if I was planning on doing worse. I am a stubborn person, I know that I am going to do it on the day that I have chosen to do it. There is nothing that can be done that will stop me. So I can't see the point in talking about it with a counsellor as I have already made my mind up.

It has taken over me though. All I keep thinking about is that day and what and how I will do it. It seems so stupid actually writing it down. To read it it probably appears "oh another person seeking attention". If it was an attention thing people would know about the self harm. I wouldn't wait for people to be out, I would tell people about it and talk about it and my feelings. But no, I keep them to myself. Well and the people that read this but no one knows who I am and I use this as more of a diary and don't actually think anyone would be interested in reading my rambling thoughts.

Is the news more sad at the moment or is it me? I found myself crying at over 50% of the stories. I have even cried at adverts. It's getting stupid. I try and put a brave face on. But I think I over compensate and have been coming across as hyper and a bit mad. Oh well, being a bit mad adds character!

Anyway, on to something else that has been bothering me.


I am so bloody broody. I even stood in front of the mirror this morning and stuck my belly out to see what it would look like if I was pregnant. I look at pregnant people and am so jealous. Lots of my school friends have kids now and their pictures are all over Facebook. I see what clothes they put them in and think "I wouldn't do that, you have made them look like a mini chav".  I see kids in pushchairs with a dummy in and hate it and think to myself how I am never going to let my kid have a dummy as I hate to see kids with a dummy in. Especially when the kid is about 4 years old. Chavs! Not the kids, the parents. I over hear what parents say to their kids and think "you shouldn't speak to them like that, I wouldn't if they were mine". I have all these ideas about parenting and I know it sounds big headed but I think I would make a good mum. Strict, fair and loving. Ignore tantrums and not give in. I don't with my nephew. If I can be strict but firm with him and he is not even mine then surly it will follow with my own.

I do have a slight problem one to make the baby with. I wont do the one night stand thing and get pregnant. Not yet anyway. If I get to 35 and I have not had kids then maybe then. At the moment I want the family thing. I don't want to lose the respect of my friends and family by being silly and getting pregnany off a one night stand.

I don't think I think that having a baby would "cure" me. I don't think it would make my problems magically go away. I am aware that as I already have a history of mental health problems I would probably get quite bad post natal depression. And, I know that it is not fair to bring a child up with me being the way I am at the moment. Maybe there is some naive thought processes in there similar to those that some teenage girls have that want something to unconditionally love and be loved back from. I don't think so though. My friends all laugh at me as I have been broody since I was about 13. They know that I am first in there to offer to hold someones kid, I love being around kids. I love how they hold a magical view of the world. I find child development fascinating and would love to see it happen with my own. So I know it's not just about being pregnant and having a new born. In fact, I find new borns quite dull. But, I do want the experience of being pregnant. Ideal for me would be pregnancy, and have a 3 month old born. No pain though. I am a wuss when it comes to pain. I have already decided I want an epidural and all the pain killers going. Free, legal drugs, who'd be stupid enough to turn those down.... That was a joke it would be kind of irresponsable to get pregnant just for the drugs. 

I think pregnant women look beautiful. Not the chavy ones who wear short tops and show their bump off that way, but a nice fitted top so you can't see skin.

 I know it wont happen any time soon. But, it doesn't stop me having dreams that I am pregnant and have a child. I have managed to deal kind of ok with Gom moving in his new girlfriend. Yeh, it upsets me but I can deal with it. It's when I find out she's pregnant that's I am not going to be able to deal with.

So what do I do now... make the most of having 2 of the most gorgeous nephews in the world. Practice makes perfect. One thing I will remember Gom for is when nephew number 1 was born he made a comment along the lines of, "yeah, we'll babysit, good practice, at least if we screw up they're not ours and can return them".

Oh, another piece of news I have, non baby related though. I went for assessment with a nurse the other day which I was referred to by the useless Psychiatrist I saw. Waste of time. She basically told me my case was too complex, I was still self harming so no one would see me and is going to refer me back to the waste of time Psychiatrist I saw before. I have an appointment with my GP on Monday. I know I am going to have to tell him about the meds and me not taking them. The psych suggested another one to take. I hold no faith in it. I have researched it and a lot of clincal trials have shown it is no better than a placebo. So not holding out for that one. I think I am going to ask to go back on Mirtazapine.

Well, this diary entry has run dry so I'll sign off.


Monday, 10 January 2011


The nurse I see at the organisation I go to for self harm said I should try writing in here more often as like a diary. It seems to be going ok. Although I am worried that I am making problems out of things that I didn't see as problems before. We talk about quite a lot of things and I will mention something that I don't seem to be that bothered by or don't think it's affecting me much and the way she reacts to it makes me think that it's not normal and it is a problem and then I analyse it and think it is a problem. Maybe they were to start off with and my way of dealing with things is not to see them as problems. Without actually saying what it is it's hard to explain. One example is how my mum tells me stuff about her relationship with my Dad that I just don't need to know. I don't want her confiding in me about things. Ok, it does bother me but I have never really put that much thought in to it. I mentioned something in the session and it seemed as though it was made in to a bigger thing.

I think it's me looking at things the wrong way. My way of dealing with things is not good and I overlook the importance of things so that I don't get weighed down with every thing. But obviously subconsciously I am, otherwise why would I be self harming? I do really like the person I see. I can see her helping quite a bit. She is not patronising at all and seems to understand where I am coming from. She doesn't just sit there in silence and not say anything. I am finding it hard and I feel so drained after a session. I get quite anxious about them also. It is making me realise some of the reasons why I self harm and why I feel like I do. A lot of it I had not really addressed before and didn't understand why I do what I do. The only thing I am concerned about is making bigger issues of what is already there. I seem to have quite a lot of issues with my family and I am quite concerned that if I understand these then I may resent them. But then at the same time I know I can't continue with the self harming etc. It's making me aware of all these issues and I am not sure if it is the right thing to be doing. I think I will have to bring it up with her next time I see her.

One of the issues that I haven't discussed with her yet (I'm going to have to give her a name as it feels rude to refer to people as she and from now on it's Sam) is how a lot of the time my mum puts me down. Especially when comparing me to my eldest brother. It's little comments and they really hurt. We were talking about private schools the other day and she was saying how my eldest brother would have passed the exams to go to the school as he was intelligent etc and then she went on to say how I would have never had passed as I am not as intelligent. There is often little remarks and they just leave me feeling inferior and stupid. I know I am not as when looking at exam marks etc I did as well at GCSE, better in my A Levels, the same in my degree. I am really close to my eldest brother and I would class him as one of my best friends and so I try not to get upset about it but it's quite disenheartening when you are often told you can't do something or I wouldn't have been able to do something as I wasn't intelligent enough. I feel really bad for even writing it down as I have only ever thought it before yet writing it and actually thinking about it in some detail is making me quite upset. I feel as though I have stabbed my brother in the back somehow. Am I being self obsessed?

Speaking of being self obsessed, my mum and I had an argument last night. I had an assignment due in today and I asked my mum for help last night. She was pissed again. She was not supposed to be drinking until Easter. So her new years resolution lasted less than a week. I am quite worried about what the parents drink. About 3-4 times a week they drink at least 3 bottles of wine a night between them. It's not just what it does to their health but I can't stand being around them when they are pissed. My Dad just becomes annoying and tries to be funny. My Mum, well, she becomes aggressive, hostile and nasty. So last night I was pissed off at her as it was the 3rd night running where they had had a lot to drink. I was pissed off as the night before they were supposed to be looking after my nephew and ok I was in but what if I wasn't. When I have kids I am not letting them stay here if they are going to be drinking. I know they wait for him to go to bed, but still. It's not fair on him. What if he wakes up in the night and then they don't hear him as they are too drunk. I know his mum and dad drink while he is in the house but it's their choice to do that, they are his parents. And to be fair my sister-in-law doesn't drink that much anymore as she knows she has to get up in the morning with him. Anyway, I asked my mum for help with part of the assignment and it had only been an hour since I had been upstairs doing work and when I came down they had had 2 bottles of wine already. I made a comment about the amount they drink. She then laid in to me saying I was being self obsessed and that it wasn't a problem and then made the comment "well at least when we drink we don't do stupid stuff like you have done". Referring to the night they know about where I self harmed. How low can you get? I was really upset so came up to my room.

She comes storming up after me saying how I was being self obsessed and stupid for being upset. No apology and still no apology the next day. She just walked in to my room while I was trying to work and so I told her to piss off as I wasn't going to speak to her while she was pissed. So she leaves and does the same thing again saying I am out of order and having a go at me again. I ended up leaving the house and going to uni to finish my assignment. While i was there I got missed calls from her and a really horrible voicemail. I am still pissed off about it. I know in some respects she is right about it being self obsessed as part of the reason why I hate them drinking is because of what it does to their mood and attitudes. I wasn't pissed off because she was of no use helping me but because she was pissed again! So yes, selfish in some respects, but I am worried about how much they drink. It's stupid. I know I have problems with drink. But at least I can admit to it. And, since November when it all happened I have not drunk anywhere near as much. I have managed to calm down on it and stop drinking when I feel as though I have had enough. Am I still self harming, yes! So it proves that it is not the drink causing it. I have cut down a lot on what I drink and quite often go a week without drinking.

I am actually getting angry as I write this now.

Different subject...

So I had a trip to A+E today. I went for x-ray on my arm as of the needle in it. I didn't say I knew what it was as I don't want people at the hospital knowing it was self harm that went wrong/too far. Anyway, it's still hurting quite a bit so I was sent from my G.P for an X-ray. You can see it clearly on there. The X-ray department sent me down to A+E. I thought they would just send it back to my GP and he would decide where to go. I really didn't want to go to A+E as I know a lot of the staff now. In fact the nurse I saw first was one who I have seen a few times (as he said). He even said to me "I've seen you a few times haven't I"? I can only remember seeing him once but who knows. I am usually crap with faces but I remembered him as he is really cute! Anyway, the A+E staff said it needed to come out and they were going to do it there but it is too deep so am being referred back to my GP who will refer me to surgeons. I don't think he will though. Think he just wants to leave it. So I don't know what will happen there.

Had some marks back on work from uni also. I had a mark back on my first assignment. TBH I was quite disappointed. I spent hours and hours on the bloody thing. Have never put so much effort in to a piece of academic work. Turns out I only just passed it. So I was quite upset with that. I was given decent feedback so I knew where I had gone wrong and hopefully I can improve on my written work. I have also had a mark back for an exam I did. I was happy with that mark. I did quite well. The only thing I was let down about was my friends have done quite a bit better than me. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. I want to be the best at things and so I get quite let down in myself when other people have done quite a bit better. But I have to keep remembering I have passed. Of course I want my friends to do well, it's just that I want to do better. I am very competitive see.

I have not taken my meds in a while. I am worried that I will sink again but I can't get on with these new ones. I know I shouldn't have been but I was taking the Mirtazapine at the same time as them and so I was sleeping well at night. However, I have now run out of them and only have the Duloxetine. If I take them in the morning the nausea is unbearable. So I have been taking them at night but then I can't sleep. I have been on them about 6 weeks now and the side effects should have subsided but they haven't. So I have stopped taking them. I will mention it to the GP when I go back in a few days. I don't want to go on those other ones the Psychiatrist said as I don't think they will work. Clinical studies have shown they are no better than a placebo. I know these ones have improved my mood but I can't sleep on them. It's driving me mad. I am so tired all the time. Grrrr!

I have an appointment tomorrow with I think a psychologist. It's one that I was referred to by that waste of time Psychiatrist. I don't know if I have it in me to open up to someone else. I am finding it really hard with Sam but I am getting there and I like her. Sam has said it can be counter productive to have two things on the go at once. I know I want to continue to see her as I know over time I will be able to trust her. So I have sort of written this off before they have even offered me anything. I have the appointment tomorrow morning, I will be honest with her and tell her how I am feeling and see what she suggests. If she suggests a group then I will just laugh at her. I don't do groups!

I start back at uni tomorrow also. I am quite looking forward to it. I need to take my mind off things and need a focus elsewhere. The past few days all I can think of is Gom moving spaz features in. It's my house. I chose it with Gom when he brought it, it's my cat that lives there. He was brought for me. I want the cat back. The parents don't like cats though and we have a dog so there is no way we can have him here. And I want to avoid contact with Gom as much as I can. I have not seen him in over 9 months now. Yet it's still tearing me a part.

Ok, realised this blog had kinda ripped one of my new years resolutions of being more positive. But everyone needs a moan every now and again, and I have not blogged in nearly 2 weeks.

I'll try and be more positive in the next one!