Tuesday, 25 June 2013

A Little Add On....

I was talking to the Psychologist about going back to uni and I said I wasn't sure if I was ready to be going back. I talked about not having the confidence at the moment and I was not confident in my own abilities at all. I said it was all so recent what had happened, and that if I was them I would probably be saying I wasn't ready to go back. He said he was worried about what it would do to our relationship should he say I wasn't ready to go back. I told him not to worry about it as I would understand where he would be coming from, and part of me is already expecting that they will be saying no anyway. Although I didn't tell them him bit. Although I suppose I should have. We would talk about how it is activating a schema, probably the one of failure. Because I suppose that is what is in overdrive at the moment.

I don't see how he could actually say I am ready to go back. Ready to be put under that intense stress that comes with the course. From a professional point of view I wouldn't be saying I was ready to go back. It's only been 3 months since I came extremely close to killing myself. I just can't see how anyone could possibly say that I could cope at the moment and that I wouldn't be any risk to myself. It's only been around a month since I had the police knock down my door and nearly drag me off to the hospital and have everyone involved.

6 weeks ago the Psychiatrist even said he wouldn't be recommending I should be going back. He said he thought I shouldn't be doing anything that could cause me any stress as he doesn't think I can cope with it at the moment. And what is a few weeks? Can they really say any different in such a short space of time.

Yet, even after my saying I didn't actually think I was ready. On the way out the door the psychologist said to me along the lines of "for what it's worth, I think you're ready". So he has faith in me. But where the hell from. I have hardly shown anything over the last few weeks. I have told him I haven't self harmed the past two weeks. And I haven't. Although I have told him before I haven't and then have been, so I wouldn't blame him if he didn't believe me, I am not exactly renowned for telling the truth when it comes to my SH behaviours. I have also told him the last two weeks I have been feeling better. And I have been. But only a few weeks before that I had said to him that because I wanted to go back to uni so much that I would probably be saying I was ok and that I was ready to be going back, even when I'm not. So, how can they be expected to believe me? OK, I am not saying I think I am ready to go back and that I would be ok, I am saying near enough the opposite. But I am telling them I am feeling a lot better. And I am. Today, has not been a good day, granted. I have spent much of the day in tears, I haven't washed, I haven't left the house, I haven't been to the gym as planned and I have binged on chocolate. I need to make sure I get out tomorrow and go to do some exercise as it does make me feel better. It does make me wonder though that if the reason I was feeling better was because I was looking forward to my birthday and the plans I had with the girls and my mini party. And then now it's over I have just gone back to how I was before. With nothing to look forward to really. I hope not. I hope I was feeling better. But yesterday afternoon and today I have been very emotional. Crying and feeling shit. The self harm urges are massive, I really want to swallow something. The relief I get from that lasts longer than cutting, and I don't get the guilt after doing it, which is weird considering it is potentially life threatening, and I nearly died from swallowing before.

I don't think I want to die. I don't. Not at the moment. Yes, I have thoughts of it. But I don't think I want to. I was asked yesterday by the psychologist if I had had thoughts of it and I said not really. Just quick, fleeting thoughts that aren't really day dreamed about like I have done in the past.

But, really. My stress levels, while they are pretty up there at the moment as of the worry over these meetings with uni etc, they aren't as high as they are when I have the work piled up around me and deadlines looming. I have pretty much said to myself now that I am going to go out for a cig when I have finished this and if that doesn't relieve the urge any that it is ok to swallow something from my stash. So I am doing that now. How the hell am I going to cope with uni. I just can't see it happening. I really can't.

The Last Week...

Well the Psychology session on Monday 17th was mostly spent talking about the meeting I would have at uni the next day. I told him how nervous I was about it and so he coached me through that really. I can't remember many details from it as it was over a week ago.

I also talked to him about how I was feeling quite a bit better and he wondered if it had to do with our session the week before talking about my growing up. He said he knew I didn't want to talk about it as I didn't see much point, but seeing me talk about it and hearing me it became apparent that there were problems that I had from when I was growing up. I said I wasn't sure if it was that but I couldn't attribute it to anything. I told him how that when I felt good I always had at the back of my mind that it won't be long before I hit bottom again and I worry about it quite a bit. He reassured me that that was pretty normal and that I needed to make sure that I didn't let small unimportant things affect me. I said I wouldn't as I wasn't a very reactive person anyway.

So on to Tuesday last week. I went in to uni to meet with my course director. That stressed me out so much. I was so nervous about going and really on edge over it. It didn't go quite how I expected it to go. I thought it would just be a matter of having this meeting with her and my psychologist and him saying that he thought I would be ok to go back. But no. That is not the case. I have to go to this meeting in a few weeks with the course director and psychologist. After that he has to write a report saying whether or not he thinks I am ok to go back. I then have to write a report as does the course director. This then goes to a fitness to practice panel, a meeting with the course director, placement director, course leader, a representative from my city council and another representative from the city council of the next city. They then make a recommendation after questioning me and going through the evidence. This recommendation then goes to the practice assessment panel, and then to the exam board. I have so many hoops to jump through. I didn't realise it was going to be so stressful. And the exam board doesn't meet until the end of September so I am not going to have a definite answer until then. This throws a lot out of sync also. It means I won't be able to have any support over my dissertation over the summer. Which puts me at a disadvantage in some ways. It is supposed to be due in in January. But the course director said because I wouldn't be getting the same support I would be given an extension until August time to give me the same opportunities as other students.

This makes me feel a bit shit as I wanted to get it out the way and all handed in. There is not too much point me working too hard on it at the moment as I don't want to go in the wrong direction with it and have done work that is not relevant.

I must admit after the meeting I got quite pessimistic and had a why bother attitude thinking that there was no way I was going to be getting back on the course so why should I put myself through the stress and turmoil only to be turned down. So activating the Failure schema and sending it in to overdrive. Now, while I feel shit about it, I feel that I will try and I will keep trying until I get back on. I was told if I didn't get back on I would be able to carry my credits forward and start from where I have left off, but I would lose all my funding. So I would have to pay around £4000 in fees and also lose out on my bursary of around £500 a month. So I would have quite an outlay if I were to do it that way, so it's in my best interests to get back as soon as possible. Well, in September as this is the last chance I have to do it and still be funded to do it.

So the appointment I had yesterday with the Psychologist we talked mainly about the appointment at uni and he was coaching me again and testing me out with what I would say to the questions they may ask me. It was quite tough and I found it uncomfortable. It made it clear how much I need to prepare for these meetings I have coming up. He has told me I need to go away and do some reading and how I need to tell them how I am doing things different at the moment and what will be different from last time when I go back and how I will deal with the stress of the course. So he has given me quite a lot to think about.

It was my birthday yesterday. I was 29. It was quite an emotional day for me. Saturday evening I had some friends over and had a party which was lovely. I had a lovely night and had lots of fun. Was a bit annoyed at my brother who came who was incredibly drunk and falling all over the place and then kept wanting to get in to a heart to heart about serious stuff which I really didn't want to talk about and start bringing me down. But other than that I had a really nice night.Was hanging the next day, but I managed to get out and try running (failed).

So yesterday. I don't know why but I always get quite emotional at birthdays and Christmas. But yesterday was quite hard for me. I was quite hurt by my brother. He didn't call, text or message me at all. His partner wrote a quick message on my facebook wall, but he was either ignoring it or totally forgot. But being as though his partner (although soon to be ex so I am not sure how much talking they are actually doing) sent me a message, I thought she would have mentioned it to him. But no. Nothing. No acknowledgement, nothing. I am really hurt by it. I know he is pissed off with me at the moment as of when he came round after the police were here as I wouldn't go to the hospital. He has not contacted me since. I saw him briefly on Sunday when he was round at my parents and we barely talked. We were civil but we didn't have a conversation about anything. I am beyond hurt over it. But, you know what makes it worse. It was that I didn't want him to call me or anything. I actually turned my phone off. I never turn my phone off. It is an extended limb. Why? Because, I thought if he didn't make any effort to contact me it gives me a reason to be mad at him and hurt by him. Before it was my doing. It was my being ill, self harming etc that was causing problems. He called me selfish and had a massive go at me. But, now, I have a reason to be hurt and mad. I'm crazy aren't I?

We used to be really close and he was the person I turned to when I had a problem with anything. After I broke up with my ex it was him I called first and him I moved in with when I moved out of the ex's house. We used to be really open with each other. But not now. For the whole year I was in hospital, he must have only visited about 4 or 5 times. If that. He lived 2 minutes away. I am so hurt by him. Really. I am actually crying as I write this and I don't do crying. Not unless drunk or at some stupid thing on the TV.

I went out for a meal with my parents last night for my birthday, they kept asking me if I was ok and I just kept saying how tired I was as the neighbour was keeping me up at night at the moment. I didn't want them to know how hurt I was as I didn't want them telling him and then him ringing me out of pity/duty. My Mum asked me if he had contacted me yesterday and I said not. She said that she wouldn't as if he had forgot then he would feel bad the next day. I just said along the lines of that it's understandable if he has forgotten as his mind is probably elsewhere at the moment. I didn't want her to know just how hurt I was.

So that has brought me out of the good mood a bit. I feel quite crap. But I am trying to not let it make me feel depressed or self harm over it. I have always been quite good with the self harm as in not doing it in a reaction to something. If that makes sense. But I was thinking yesterday about doing something, but what stopped me was I knew it would be in reaction to this.

So quite stressed, quite hurt. But I am trying to get on with it and not let it bring me back down in to depression.

Monday, 17 June 2013

Where Things Are

Well, I am doing ok? I think I am anyway. But things seem to be a bit better. I don't know why, maybe it's because of the medication. I am a bit stressed out still, but I am dealing with it quite well. It sounds awful but when I feel like this I worry more. The pessimist in me can't enjoy feeling like this as I worry about how long it will last for before I go right back down again. It feel false. Does anyone else get that?

I have joined a gym in my efforts to lose weight and get fit. I have set myself a challenge. I have entered a 5km mud run in September. I can't run at all. But, I aim that in 3 months I will be able to run the course. I have only been 3 times so far but I am already noticing a change in my fitness levels. The first couple of times the machines kept beeping at me as my heart rate was going too high to be safe. But yesterday it didn't do it at all and I had to work that little bit harder to get my HR up to a decent level. So that's all good. And, another benefit is is sleep. I am sleeping much better, much better quality. OK, it's only been 3 days, but, I have managed to fall asleep almost straight away and then sleep solidly without waking. That's massive for me.

On another note, I have started online dating again. I have talked about it before. But I don't know if I am self sabotaging. I keep comparing all the dates to my first date with my ex. But I don't know if this is the right thing to do. After the first date with my ex I came away with butterflies and I knew I would fall for him. There was a massive something there. I don't know if that's normal or not. Can those feelings develop? I wonder if because I was 17 when I met my ex I was quite naive and my age had something to do with how I was feeling. I don't know if I should be looking for those feelings now or not? Can they develop over time? Or if I don't feel like that should I just move on and give up on that guy?

Anyway, comments on that would be useful. Please.

I have a Psychology appointment in a couple of hours so I will be posting about that later or tomorrow.

Monday, 10 June 2013

Psychology Appointment - 10/06/13

We talked about childhood mainly school and also crying again.

He said in all the time we had been working together we had never really talked about school. He wondered if that was because I avoided it (like I do most things that make me feel shit or are hard) or if there was not a lot to talk about.

I told him how when I went to secondary school I used to get teachers making comparisons between me and my brothers. I would get asked which brother I was going to be like, the one who went off to Oxford Uni or the one who was a trouble maker and expelled. I said how it annoyed me as why couldn't I just be me and taken for who I was. Why did I have to be like one of my brothers?

I also said how I was bullied a bit in year 7 by 2 lads I went to primary school with. I told him how they used to push me around and it upset me quite a bit. I would come home from school and run up to my room and break down in tears. I said I was the one who ended up getting in to trouble about it as when nothing was done about it I was told to fight back and I did. This ended in the lad falling over and ripping his trousers and me getting in to trouble as even though they were bullying me, nothing was done so I stood up for myself. He asked how it was dealt with by my parents and if they ever sat down and talked to me about it. I said not. He asked how I felt all about it now and I said it didn't bother me. It was just one of those things. While it bothered me at the time, it has not been something that I have dwelt on since. It was just one of those things.

He wanted to know about my friends when I was in primary school and I told him how I went to a really small school with only around 100 kids in and I had one best friend and many other friends. So he thought he was on to something when I said about how small my primary school was and I moved in to a school that was based over 2 sites with around 1000 kids in. I said the whole transition was fine and there were no issues. He kept questioning my saying it was fine as he said he didn't know with me when I said things were fine whether I actually meant they were fine or if I was really saying it was awful but I am avoiding talking about it so I am saying it was fine.

He asked me how other people would have described me in primary school and I said they would probably say that I didn't concentrate, didn't fully apply myself, talked too much and was quite emotional. So he wanted to know more about me being emotional. I said it stopped when I got to about 8 or 9 as I got this thing about crying in front of other people. He asked what it was and I said I just can't do it. I can't do crying. I said from a very early age I didn't like crying in front of people as I didn't want people to think I wasn't in control or that I was losing control. And I have feelings of shame when I cry. I said I had a memory of when my dog died when I was about 7. I said how I didn't cry about it in front of anyone until I went to bed that night. I remembered telling my friend about it and her crying and me holding back the tears.

He asked how my parents would be when I was crying and if they would comfort me. I suppose they did. I don't know. I can't remember. The only thing I could really think of was how they were with my nephews when they cry. The oldest is 4 and sometimes has tantrums and cries. But they mock him quite a bit to make him feel embarrassed about crying. Saying things like how he is starting school in a few weeks and people will laugh at him for crying over something small. I wondered if they had done this to me and that is where my  not wanting to cry comes from. That as a child if I cried over nothing I was told I was being silly and people were looking at me. Like they do with my nephew. I get that he needs to stop having these tantrums and this is an effective way of getting him to stop. But I do wonder if they had done that with me and I then took it to mean that showing all emotion was silly and that I should be embarrassed for doing so.

But, is not crying a big thing? It is really detrimental? I do it when I am pissed and I do cry at silly fictional things, or acts of kindness that I read about. Or even a film synopsis if that sounds sad. So it is not like I don't have any emotion. Just that I don't have it about real things. Probably as I avoid thinking about it.

I explained that now I feel I am walking a very thin line and something is going to happen where I lose control and I am trying to contain it. I said that the only time I have had reprieve from this has been after nearly killing myself and when I have been on the psych wards, it is as though the worst has happened and I can finally relax, but then it builds up again and I am constantly fighting the urges etc. But I feel it's only a matter of time before something happens again. Not just something internal, but external also. But most of the time it has been internal.

We kind of skirted over my past a bit in terms of the money and the people I slept with from a young age. He mentioned that it was not something I have really talked about. I said that was probably because of the way it made me feel, in that I was ashamed by it and so felt really uncomfortable talking about it.

He asked me how I had found the appointment today. I told him I had found it really tough as it had brought back a lot of memories. He was quite surprised with my answer. He thought I was going to say it was pointless. I was really against going in to my childhood as I couldn't see any problems really. But, I know we have only done 2 sessions on it so far, but I can see why talking about it is important and I am starting to make a few links.

I think this may work. Hopefully. But at the same time, I am worried it is going to change my feelings towards my family. I am worried about that.

I am seeing him again next Monday. It is now weekly appointments. I also see my consultant PDoc Dr T tomorrow, which I am looking forward to like a hole in the head and I see my CPN on Friday. But I get a new tattoo on Wednesday. I'll upload a pic when it's done.

Friday, 7 June 2013

Psychology Appointment - 06/06/13

It went ok. We didn't actually do schema therapy. Well, I don't think we did. He asked if I had self harmed and I told him I blood let and the last time was on Sunday. He asked how I was feeling so I told him about the night before and that awful date. I wasn't really going to talk about it as, I was a bit embarrassed about it really. But we talked quite a bit about it and he said he was glad that I had done it as he knew it was something I was worried about doing. So I explained the reason why I had put myself out there again was because I was feeling a bit lonely as my friends aren't as available at the moment. He said it was good I was approaching that feeling rather than avoiding it and not doing anything about it.

I said it had upset me as it felt so personal and with everything that has been going off for me I couldn't help but take it personally. I said how my friends had said it was him and not me, yet even still I was second guessing myself over it. I also said how it had put me off and that I wasn't sure if I would do it again. He said I should and not to let that put me off meeting someone. He also acknowledged how much of a big thing for me it was to do what I did.

I didn't get around to telling him about the guy that emailed who knew so much about me as he went out with my friend.

So we talked mainly about what will happen in SFT. I told him how while I didn't remember much of my childhood and don't really have many memories and that I didn't really like how the SFT relates everything to the way in which you were brought up, for me, I find it quite important to find out where these schemas have originated from. I feel that it is the case that they come from childhood I want to know where and how. I feel it's important to know where they have come from so that they can be overcome.

So that got me on to talking about my childhood. I don't know how I got to it but I told him that it was when I was about 10 or 11 that I realised that my parents weren't normal in how much they drank. I used to think it was quite normal that my parents would be drinking a few bottles of wine a few nights a week. It wasn't until I spoke to my friends about it that I realised it wasn't. I told him how when I was really young I used to wake up to my parents screaming at each other and it used to scare me so I would start crying and shouting out for my Mum pretending I had had a nightmare just so that they would come to me and stop arguing. I told him how I would regularly come down stairs in the morning to find something smashed up, whether it be a few glasses, a stereo, a tv etc.

I told him how my eldest brother moved to my Nan's when he was about 17 as of the arguments between my Mum and Dad and how it had come to physical blows between my brother and Dad. And from this my Nan wouldn't speak to my Dad for a good couple of years.I said how my brother stayed with my Nan while he went away to Oxford to Uni. He asked how I felt that my brother went to Oxford and did I feel that I had expectations to live up to. He sort of hit a nerve and he noticed. I have never spoke to anyone about it before but it has been something that has bothered me. Not that my parents have ever said that I was a let down etc etc, but I do feel at times I am being unfavourably compared. That my Mum has said things a long the lines of how easy my brother has had it in terms of effort and that he puts so little in and comes out having done really well. Then she will say something like I have to work really hard and put loads of effort in and I only come out with average. The thing is, I did better than my brother in my G.C.S.E's, my A Levels, and we got the same on our degrees. A 2.2. She doesn't realise she is doing it but comments like that do really hurt.

I said how I thought I was probably being oversensitive to it and I felt stupid for having feelings like I did over it and it was just me being silly. But then he said that that was a typical schema and I needed to validate my own feelings and not internalise everything that happens to me as it being my own doing or that it is something innately wrong with me that was making me feel like that.

 Then I went on to say how my other brother had been in a lot of trouble as he was expelled from 2 different schools. How he was done for drink driving and crashing the car that he stole from my Mum. How he never really settled in anything he did and just coasted from one thing to another.

We then talked about my Nan and how close I was to her and what a big part of my life she was to me. He asked me if I missed her and then I became all emotional. He said it was ok to cry and I said that I wouldn't. He asked me the last time I cried was. I explained how it was stupid as I could cry when drunk about stuff and I will cry at sad songs, sad books, films or even adverts. But in the cold light of day when it comes to real stuff I just don't cry. I hate people seeing me cry and I do all I can to avoid it. He said he was glad that I did cry at some things as he was a bit concerned that I didn't have any emotion at all. He said I needed to have a good cry to get all the pent up emotion out. The last time I cried that wasn't due to alcohol or something fictional was when I was on the psych ward about 2 months ago. I totally lost it and I didn't care who heard or saw me. I was a bit hysterical.

I also said how I felt I was going to be putting myself under a lot of pressure to go back to uni. That even if I knew I wasn't ready I would probably say I was just so I could go back. He said that wouldn't be helping anyone. I wish I hadn't have said that as he will be really on to me now about it. Although, I think he can read me pretty well so he will probably know if I am talking shit etc.

So considering I didn't really want to get in to my childhood I managed to talk quite a bit about it.

I am seeing him again Monday and will be doing now on a weekly basis. I don't know where we are going to start with the SFT. I have just read a book on it and it seems such a massive thing, there are so many areas that it encompasses and I know things are going to be hard, but hopefully it will be effective.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

Psychology Today

Today I have my psychology appointment. I don't really know what to expect. It's the first Schema Therapy appointment. So I am feeling quite nervous about it. Also, they are having a meeting about me today. The consultant psychiatrist, my OT, my CPN and my psychologist. I hate that they are all meeting about me and I wonder what will be said. But, it is not something that I would want to be at.

I hate all of this. I hate that I have a mental health team. I hate that I need it. I hate myself for being like this.

I wonder if he will have read my notes about what has been going on in the last few weeks. Last time I saw him I downplayed what had happened. He will have probably have had access to my notes and will know what has been going on in the last few weeks. How much I have been drinking, how I have been at hospital etc etc.

I didn't sleep last night as I was feeling so anxious about it all.

I am thinking that this is going to be awful. I really am dreading it.

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

An Awful Feeling.

I can't put my finger on why I feel like this or even what it is really. But I have this feeling of an impending sense of doom. That something really bad is going to happen. Something I either do to someone else or that something happens to me or those around me. I have been feeling like it for a while and I don't know why. It's making me feel really anxious and on edge.

I see my future and I don't know why but I see it with me being locked up. I don't have any plans to do anything, I don't want to do anything but I feel that something is there. Whether it be harming someone else or harming myself in some way.

This probably sounds really stupid and irrational. But it is a feeling I have and it's horrible. I don't really know if I should be mentioning it to someone as it is the type of thing that would be taken very seriously and would cause people to panic. I've never really felt like this before. I don't know why I am now.

The other night when that guy was here I had a really horrible, scary thought. I wanted to hurt him as he was really criticising me. I had it run through my head about what I could do and if I would be able to get away with it. I am not a violent person in the slightest. The only times I have done anything that would be classed as being violent would be when I have been provoked. OK, maybe not. I did hit my ex a couple of times before he hit me. It was when he made me so angry by laying in to me that I flipped. So, I don't actually know what I am capable of. That worries me quite a bit.

Today I went to CAB to discuss my debts. I didn't expect it to make me feel as awful as it did. She was really questioning me and it felt like an interrogation. I had to go in to great details about my debts and also my mental health problems and how this could have lead to me getting in to debt. She really scrutinised my income and outgoings. It was awful. She had quite a stand offish attitude and I came away feeling so shit about myself that I wished I hadn't have gone. I know I have been avoiding it for quite a while and it needs sorting as it is not going to go away. But I was made to feel really small. I don't really know which is the best way to go about them now. Whether or not I get a debt relief order or I make token payments of £1 a month to each of them which will never get rid of them. It's how the DRO will affect me in the long term which bothers me. I am not sure of how it will affect me and neither was the adviser I saw, so she wasn't really that helpful either.

Other than that horrible feeling and the appointment at CAB which left me feeling like crap I have not had an awful day. I walked about 3 miles around town and sat reading in the sun at different points over the city. I did get a bit sun burnt though and have come out in a heat rash. Next time I will have to get some sun lotion on. I am trying to get up at a reasonablish time and get out the flat. I don't have a garden but I do live next to probably the most prestige private area in the city which has lots of greens, I am also only a mile from the canal, a mile from a city park and a short walk to another area which is on hill that overlooks the city. So I am quite lucky really. It's just a shame that the downstairs neighbour continues to make my life a nightmare and full of anxiety.

Oh well, we can't have it all can we?

Sunday, 2 June 2013

How Would You Feel?

I don't know how to feel about this.

I have just been on the dating site and I had an email pop up. He looked like a nice guy and his profile read well. So I opened the email and it basically said you look really familiar to me. So I sent one back saying he looked familiar also and what did he do. He had said he worked nights so I had an image of him being a police man who had come in to contact with me or someone who works on the psych wards.

He then emailed me back saying he knew my friend who was in one of my pictures with me. He is the guy she was seeing last year and went a bit crazy on her when she ended it with him. She had warned me of him and told me what profile he was going by at the time, but until he told me his name it didn't click.

Anyway, he really started slagging my friend off saying all this horrible stuff about her and was being quite mean. He also said how at the time they were seeing each other that I was ill. I was quite non committal and said I couldn't remember. He then said yeah you were in .... psych hospital. So that really rattled me. He was then saying things like I would be careful around her as she has told me things about you that I wouldn't want anyone to know about me etc etc etc... going on about how she can't be trusted and is fake and wants people to believe things that aren't true.

I don't want to get in to a massive conversation with him. But part of me is wondering what she has told him and I do feel a little betrayed by it.

I have just had another email after I sent one back saying that I didn't know what he knew but I understood that at the time they were a couple and it was pretty normal to discuss things with your partner when your friend is going through something major. He has sent me an email back along the lines of telling me about some of the self harm I did. While he has actually got some of it wrong (he said I tried to eat my phone which never happened, but I did swallow things but I don't know how she actually knew that), he has got the gist of it. So I feel a bit betrayed by how much she has discussed with him.

I do get that when you are in a relationship with someone you would talk to them about your friends, especially something as big as that. And she was a good friend to me, making the effort to come visit me, and   I know she worries about me as if she has not had contact with me for a couple of days and she has seen that I have not had any activity on facebook she worries and contacts one of my brothers to see if I am ok. If I wasn't important to her, she wouldn't bother would she?

But it has really rattled me. I think some of it is because I never met this guy, to me he is just random person who emailed me but then he knows so much about me. Something I like to keep hidden from people as I don't like who I am and what I do. Yet, here is this total stranger who knows that I self harm, have tried to kill myself and was in hospital for a period of time.

How would it make you feel? I can't help but be upset but I am not sure who exactly I am upset with. He is obviously still bitter about their relationship ending and I wonder if he is doing what he is doing to try and come between my friend and me. But it has made me have my doubts. It really has. I would class this girl as one of my closest friends, one of the friends who I do confide in. Yet, I am questioning whether or not I can trust her now. He's made me do that. I don't like that.

I am probably being totally irrational here aren't I?

Please give me some advice or say something to make me feel better.

400th Post. And, It's Not Getting Much Better.

There is not really a lot of difference between where I am now and where I started this blog 400 posts ago. I don't like to moan too much as it can be depressing to read. But then I remember this is my diary. So it's only right that I write how things actually are. I have been through a lot since I started this blog. A year spent in hospital, over 8 months of that on a PICU (intensive care, secure ward). But it's not really changed much has it. What did it achieve? I still self harm, seriously. While I have changed how I self harm, it, in their eyes has become more serious. I have also tried to kill myself on a few occasions since coming out. So, it didn't really change anything for me. What a hell of a year that was. My hell continues only I am not locked in.

I last wrote a week ago before I was going to the BBQ. Well, it went well. It was really nice to see my ex's parents and we got on really well. It was a really nice afternoon. We did talk about my ex a little. And he hasn't changed from the sounds of it. The more they talked about him the happier I was that I wasn't with him anymore. Life wouldn't have got better with him, it would have stayed the same. But, what I did miss was him not being there. I missed those weekly family gatherings. I always really liked his family and preferred to spend time with them rather than my own. But, all in all it went well. I was happy I saw them.

Seeing them and it going well and not invoking negative feelings in me made me think about meeting someone else. Someone to spend time with etc. I have been quite lonely the last few weeks as the people who I would do stuff with that doesn't involve drinking and going out, have not been available. I do have other friends, but I wouldn't just hang out with them. So yeah, it got me thinking. I decided to go back on Plenty of Fish, the dating website that is full of weirdos. So far I have had two dates and maybe another lined up with someone else.

The first date I thought went quite well. It was very spare of the moment and spontaneous. We had only emailed that day and within a couple of emails he had asked me what I was doing that night and did I want to meet for a drink. So, I threw caution to the wind and thought why not? I was passing through the town centre after I had been to my friends so I wasn't really going out of my way to meet him. He was quite a bit older than me. He was 38 to my 28 (29 in about 3 weeks...eeek). I didn't think it would bother me that much. But it did. We seemed a whole world a part in terms of what he did and when and all I could think was I was only 8 then and he was an adult. I also didn't realise he was divorced. I had missed that important nugget of information. I don't know why, but it does bother me. We got on and we had a good night having a few drinks and chatting. It was good. I wasn't going to make the first move by getting in contact as although I had had a nice night I wasn't huge on him. I'd have seen him again and see what developed but I didn't come away on a high. He text me the next day saying he had had a nice night but he didn't feel a spark and said it was best if we were just friends. So I replied thank you for letting me know and that I had had a nice night too. And that was that.

In the week I contacted another guy who seemed pretty cool. Really in to his music (plays, writes and listens), and seemed as though we were on the same wave length. We spoke on the phone a few times, on Friday night I couldn't sleep and he rang me at 1.30am and we spent nearly 2 hours on the phone. He could certainly talk. But, I got on well with him on the phone. We decided we would meet up on Saturday night. We got a few beers and walked down to the local canal. It started off quite well. He was a bit over familiar like touching me while he was talking to me and kept putting his arm around me. He also went in for the kiss quite soon after about 10 minutes of meeting. I didn't really like that. But we were getting on well. We have a couple of cans of lager and he has some weed so we smoke a couple of joints.

We decide it's quite cold and he asks if I want to go back to his. I suggested mine instead as I knew I would feel more comfortable at mine. And I thought I would have more control. This is where it all went tits up. He then got really loud and annoying. Doing stuff I asked him not to do, but doing it excessively just to annoy me. For instance, I really have a thing about feet. I can't stand anyone's feet anywhere near me, I told him this so what does he do but keep trying to put them near my head and rubbing them all over me. He was talking so much I could barely get a word in edge ways and  if I did he would then talk over me. He would then start these massive rants in which he would just get louder and louder until he was shouting. It was really annoying me. He was also talking about how he shop lifts from places like Tesco and Primark as it's so easy and it doesn't affect anyone. I am a really honest person so much so if I notice I have been charged wrong or something has been left off the bill I will mention it, or even go back to the shop. So I didn't like that. It's not as though he needed these things, he is not poor or an addict, he was just doing it because he could. Twat!

He also kept asking me how he was doing and I had to keep reassuring him saying that if I didn't feel we were getting on I wouldn't have said come back to mine and I would have had a friend call me with some fake emergency. But he kept asking and asking how I thought it was going, so I told him he was being insecure which he denied and didn't like. I can't be doing with blokes like that. So he asked me if I would go on a second date if he asked and I said that yeah, probably I would. I wasn't going to say no at this point. I don't do letting people down to their face, it is always best by text message. For me anyway. I wouldn't end a relationship through text but this is different. He then he said I was an odd one to figure out as he couldn't read me and he didn't like that. He said it seemed as though I wasn't interested and then went on to really criticise me. He was saying things like I was emotionally defunct and distant. That I had not shown any interest in him by asking him questions. I am sure I did, and anyway, he would ask me something and then completely talk over what I was saying. So I could barely get a word in. I actually thought to myself maybe if you shut up for a while I would have been able to ask him some questions. He was really horrible to me telling me I had problems etc. I felt really criticised, and by someone I barely knew. It's not so bad coming from someone who actually knows you, but from someone you only met a few hours before. It really hurt me. I just wanted him to leave.

I kept looking at my watch and yawning and saying I was tired and wanted to go to bed. After ages he finally got the hint and he said he would just smoke this last joint and then he would go. That joint lasted over an hour. He was talking and talking and still criticising me. It was awful. He was saying the music I liked was shit and was really over the top in telling me. He was being really offensive. After ages I said I was going outside to smoke a proper cig as I didn't want the smell lingering in my flat. So I told him to come outside with me. He asked if he should get his stuff and I abruptly said yes. So we stood outside talking and I had to tell him numerous times to keep his voice down as of my neighbours. I walked over to the gate and opened it hoping he would get the message but he was still stood there talking to me and not going. We were outside about 20 minutes at least. I really wanted him to go. In the end I just said I am sorry, but I am really tired and really cold I am going to go in now and go to bed. Bye! He kept saying how he would like to see me again but just as friends. I don't think so! He was such a knob. But what makes it worse is how I have let him really get to me. He has really upset me by criticising me like that. He also said I had issues as I made very little eye contact. I just wasn't interested in what he was saying that's why I wasn't looking at him. I know I do have issues with eye contact. When I see my psychologist I barely look at him, but that is because I can't look at someone when I am discussing something that makes me feel uncomfortable. But this wasn't the case last night. It was because he was boring and annoying me and I wanted him to leave. I thought when I asked him back he may be here about an hour. It was more like 5 hours. He didn't leave until after 3am. He hung around like a bad smell. Even when I said I felt like he was criticising me and was making me uncomfortable he didn't stop.

So today I have been feeling like shit. I was actually in tears about it this morning and felt like I was going to cry a few times throughout the day. Maybe it was him. But maybe it was me. Maybe I am emotionally defunct. My friends have tried to reassure me saying it was him and I am not like that at all, and it was just him being a knob. But, it has really put me off dating anyone again. It took a lot for me to go back on there and that is what I get. So I don't think I am going to bother making an effort now. I would like someone that I can go to gigs with, go out for nice meals, cinema etc. But, I don't think that is going to happen. Another thing he had a go at me about was that I had written on my profile that I wanted a relationship. Well, yeah I do. He was saying how I don't act like it. I asked how I was supposed to act and he didn't really reply. So I basically told him that while I do want a relationship I am not going to go rushing in to anything and I like to take things slow and I am very laid back when it comes to dating etc. I like to go on a few dates and see where things lead. That's pretty normal right?

I can't handle it all at the moment. He has really made me question if I can inflict myself on to someone at the moment. I don't think I will be contacting anyone else. If I get asked out by the people I am already in contact with I may go out with them. But if that doesn't work out, I am not going to the effort again.

I know I probably shouldn't let one bad experience put me off. But, I can't help it it has. It is something I want to talk to my psychologist about, but it is something I am uncomfortable talking about with him as he is a bloke. And when I say I invited him back here he is going to think that I slept with him and that is the type of thing I do. And, we have never talked about sex before anyway. It's a subject that I avoid.

I am seeing him on Thursday so I have some time to think about it if I want to bring it up or not.

Enough of that anyway.

I found this online. It's a Radio 4 programme about BPD. I found it really interesting and it talks quite a lot about the stigma that surrounds it and also the history. It's definitely worth a listen to if you have 30 minutes.


Anyway, that's it for me.