I am a member on www.suicideforum.com and use this quite a bit when I feel bad. I blurt out all I am thinking and what is going through my head and I get support from other people who have been in the same position. I think it's a really good idea. When I am not feeling as bad I am often one of the people that provides support to others.
It's kinda like what the NHS does with some mental health services. It encourages people who have experienced their own mental health demons to apply for jobs. If you think about it, imagine you are sectioned in a hospital. You are feeling suicidal and can't see a way out. Now who would you most likely want to take advice from...some person who has never had any problems with their mental health, they may be a lovely person, good at their job, but really do they know what they are going on about? Or, the person who has been there themselves. That can turn around and say "actually, I do understand how you are feeling as I have been there myself". I have actually found working in mental health most of the staff I have met through the work I have done have had their own problems. One of my closest friends through work self harms, has attempted suicide, has had eating disorders, has depression and fights her own demons. Another friend was sectioned and was placed in one of the hospitals I work in. I went in to mental health as of my own experiences. I chose Social Work as a career as of the SW I used to see a couple of years back. He was amazing. Ok sort of gone off course there.
Anyway, I have been using SF quite a bit recently as I have not been doing well at all. I have never had any problems with it until yesterday when one guy made some horrible comments such as
" You are a drain on society"
"You are a waste of space"
"You are wasting everyone time"
You, only do it for the attention hence writing on here and keeping a blog".
He wrote quite a lot of hurtful abusive comments about the self harm and that anyone who does it only does it for attention.
Well I was quite upset about it and it really made me question if using those forums was the best thing to do. I spoke to a few other users and made me feelings known to them that I was upset and he had made me question if I was doing the right thing in using them.
It also made me think about why I blog and why I use SF.
I remain anonymous on here. I don't know if people will actually read this. I know no one I know would do. I did mention to one friend that I blogged and she wanted the address and I said there was no way I was telling her. I use this as a diary. A sounding board to get my thoughts blurted out on. It helps me keep it together. I use it as a distraction technique for when I am feeling like I want to harm it keeps me away from it. Also, if by some chance someone does read it, someone who doesn't self harm and has all these misconceptions about it, well I hope that by being brutally honest about it it will help them have a better understanding. Sometimes I just write on here as I just feel like writing.
I use SF in a slightly different way. Sometimes I need support. One of my issues is that I am overly bothered about peoples perceptions of me. So if I am struggling, if I do something then I can't tell them. Even the professionals who I have met numerous occasions I can't even be honest with them. In fact, there is stuff that I have not even written about on here as I am worried about peoples perceptions. I like to be liked. But then don't we all. But I will do anything to ensure that I am liked. I will go out of my way to help people and not accept anything for it. I really struggled at first working in mental health when patients didn't like me. It took me ages to get over it and realise that they didn't like me as I wouldn't let them have something they could self harm with, or just that I was seen as a professional, one of them! It took me ages to realise it wasn't actually me they didn't like, it was what I was doing. Anyway, with SF I use it to blurt. To voice my thoughts and get feedback on them. Short, not thought out thoughts. I know it doesn't look like it but I do actually think about what I say on here. If looking for advice it attention seeking, then maybe I do that.
Another thing about this self harm thing, no one close to me knows the true extent of it. I have friends who know it's something that happened in the past, friends who don't have a clue that I ever have, friends who know it's something that has happened recently. But no one knows the true extent of things. I don't talk about it with people. If a friend asks me about it I change the subject. I don't like talking about it with people I know. I know there will come a time when I know Sam and Mike better and I will close off to them. No one who knows me knows that I spend my time trawling the net looking at ways I can die that will be a) painless b) quick c) look like an accident d) wont leave someone else thinking it was their fault (so rules out falling in front of a train as it approaches the platform) e) doesn't require an act of bravery on my part as I am a wuss.
So yeah, I have quite a lot of criteria there. I am a wuss. I really am. Although I plan the OD's I always drink before taking them.
So why do I self harm?
I really don't know. I know while doing it I get a rush. It's better than sex (maybe I do need a new boyfriend and sex may help slow down the self harm a little lol). The feeling of the slicing of the flesh. It's like releasing something and I can feel it escape. The cutting is quite a long drawn out process for me. For instance last week I was there 4-5 hours cutting my leg and I didn't realise where the time had gone. I go in to a disassociative state where I lose track of time. It was quite bad last week and it is usually only a couple of hours. When I blood let that is a quick fix. It takes about 30 minutes when I do it properly. There is something about seeing the blood coming out the needle which makes me feel as though I have smoked a spliff. When I want a quicker fix it's just about 5-10minutes of it.
I have been asked so many times about my childhood by different therapists, doctors etc that I have questioned it. I have always before been of a very it's a very freudian way of therapy wanting to relate it to childhood. But the more and more I get asked it the more I think, maybe just maybe those few incidents have had a much bigger impact on me than I realised. I have never shared them with anyone. I am not sure if I will do on here one day.
So my last question is...When do you call in crisis team?
They gave me their number on Monday. I was told I could call them 24/7. But why would I call them. Because I am thinking of cutting, because I am thinking of death? Well I'd never be off the phone would I? Then perhaps when you have made the decision you are going to cut, made the decision you are going to OD yet again. Well, I know myself. Once I have made that decision I will not tell anyone as I will not want anyone interfering with my plans. So the number is sitting there and I wonder, when exactly would I call them? And, I have already opened up to Sam and partly to Mike. I don't want to speak to yet another person who I don't know. I don't want to have to keep explaining over and over again. So for these reasons, I really don't think I will be calling them or making any use of their services.
Showing posts with label overdose. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overdose. Show all posts
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Monday, 24 January 2011
A Weekend From Hell.
Things got bad. Really bad. Thursday night I took an overdose of nefopam and some drowsy anti-histamines. I also cut really badly. I also drank far too much alcohol having a whole bottle of Ameretto, and two bottles of wine. Somehow I ended up coming round the next morning at about 11am on the floor in the office. Locked in. Didn't have my phone on me to call anyone. Luckily there was the internet and I had to call a lock smith who came and climbed through the office window and then cracked the lock letting me be free. That cost me £70! Of course I also woke up not dead, but in a way I was glad as I planned to go out when the time came so wouldn't be my parents who found me. So I then fell asleep on the couch totally missing my appointment with Sam. I woke up and remembered the cut on my leg was horrendous. There was two of them and knew they needed stitching.
So come 5pm I take a trip to the hospital. I tell them at the hospital that I cut that day at about 2 pm as I knew they wouldn't close them if they knew if they were from the night before. I wasn't drunk when I cut. I was when I took the pills. I planned on taking the pills. I planned for a while but I drank also. I don't know if was for dutch courage or what. So I was taken straight in to a cubicle which was nice of them and the nurse was lovely. She is the nicest I have seen before. I was asked if I wanted to speak to anyone from psych medicine dept and I said if they wanted me to they would. So trousers off and on a bed so they can stitch. I was given a local anaesthetic but also gas and air as it wasn't working enough. I have decided when I have kids that there is no way I am doing it with gas and air. It doesn't bloody work! Give me all the drugs you can. So one cut was stitched up and then they had to get the consultant in for the big one. While I was waiting for the consultant, Mike (who is the nurse man I have seen before) comes in. He says he knows I have an appointment with the Dr on Monday (I wonder how he knows this as I only booked the appointment a couple of days before and it's a different department). He sits and chats to me for a bit and tells me how it is getting out of hand yadda yadda yadda and I agree. I know it is. I know it's out of hand. Anyway, after talking to him for a bit he goes off and comes back saying he will get me some Diazepam to help with the agitation etc. After 5 hours down at A+E and the Consultant stitching my thigh I am allowed home.
Saturday -
I had arranged to go out with my friend Saturday evening but really couldn't be bothered. However, I didn't want to let her down. I was feeling like shit as I had wanted to end it all Thursday night and it didn't work. I really don't know how I got locked in the office or why I even went in there. I was feeling knackered and rough still. However we did go out. We started chatting and after one drink we decided between us that neither of us wanted to go out and we were going to go home get a drink and have a chat at home. So we did. She was supposed to stay at mine but as she has not been getting on with her husband recently she decided she was going to go home. Well I persuaded her to wanting the house to my self as I wanted to cut etc. So as soon as she left I got the rest of the alcohol took it upstairs and went to town cutting my leg again. I have tried to go over old scars so I don't end up with more scars so I went over an old scar on my leg. From what I then remember I took a load of the dihydrocodeine and also some paracetamol, diclofenac and what ever else I could get my hands on. I can't really remember much else a part from coming round in A+E. I was told I had been brought in as had been found with a ligature round my neck. I looked at my phone and at 3am I had called a taxi. Don't have a clue where it took me. All I remember was being in the resus area of A+E and they had put a glucose drip up as my blood sugar was low.
Sunday -
I was taken to the ward where a nurse helped me get dressed, when I left I grabbed a bag that had clothes in it from when I was at my friends the other week. So I was quite lucky I had a change of clothes. She helped me get dressed as I couldn't even stand up. I then slept for about 5 hours. I was moved to a different area on the ward and was told someone from Psych Medicine would be coming to see me. I fell asleep again for a few hours and woke up to Mike standing there. Saying that it was getting out of hand.
We then went to another room and had a scary chat. He said we should be looking at admission. I begged, pleaded and nearly started crying. He said things couldn't continue the way there were or I would be looking at involuntary admission. Basically being put under section 2. I said I knew that it was getting out of hand etc. He said he was going to make a phone call to the doctor about it and see what he said. So I start panicking and go get back on the hospital bed and start crying. Luckily the doc he spoke to said wouldn't be for the best if I was put on a psych ward but if things continued that is the way they were going.
After a while I spoke to Mike again when he had done my notes asking to speak to him again. I asked him did he mean that if I self harmed again I would be sectioned. I said I knew that it would happen again and that even though I was there I was planning on when I could next do it. He said no it didn't automatically mean that but he knew I hadn't been honest with people as of taking the OD on Thursday and not telling anyone. Even when I was at the hospital on Friday and threw up all over the place I was asked if I had taken anything and I denyed it. I explained to him that I found it really hard to be honest and open knowing what position of power he was in and that my worst fear is ending up in a psych ward. He said he understood but how is anyone able to help if I can't be honest about the way I am feeling and what is going through my head. Also, if I was feeling the way I am once I have made up my mind about something then I am stubborn, I will do it and I won't tell anyone if it means I am not going to be able to do it. I said to him that I hadn't been honest and there was a whole lot of stuff I hadn't told him as I was worried about peoples perceptions of me. I told him that I know when I am bad as I get the smell come back. This is when there is this smell that no one else can smell, it's the same each time but no one else smells it. I told him about hearing voices occasionally and also seeing things that aren't there. I said it really scares me. He didn't seem shocked by this and kept a neutral expression and said when people are in despair it's not uncommon to have those things happen.
He said he was worried about me and especially the blood letting. He said I had not told him before. I thought I had as I don't really see it as a big deal as it's not going to get infected and I don't need treatment for it. He said it was concerning. I didn't tell him I had ordered a load of hypodermic needles off the internet. Or a scalpel either.
I had asked someone to look at my leg as I noticed the stitches had popped out of both wounds. A Doc came and said they needed re-stitching. 10 hours later someone came to do it. At first he said he wouldn't be able to as had been open too long. He was horrible. He was accusing me of removing my own stitches from it as wouldn't just pop open. I said either they did or they did in A+E. In the end he re-stitched one of them but he left the other one with just a dressing on. So I have a huge hold in my leg. I have not had them as painful as this before when I have cut. I can't weight bear on my leg that they are in. It was awful on Saturday then got a bit better, so I think they popped. I think they may have again as although still really really hurts it is not as bad. I was told to rest and keep it elevated but I haven't been able to. So my own fault really. He was really horrible though and being in hospital those last few hours was horrible as I was just waiting around. Although I did over hear some good news while I was there. There is a nurse in the A+E who I can't stand. Actually not even sure she is a nurse as think I heard her say band 3. Anyway, I overheard that she had got a new job in London. So horrible nurse is leaving. I can't stand the cow. She talks to me like crap and has no compassion at all.
Monday -
So today I had to go see the Psychiatrist. Mike had called him in advance and said what had happened and Mike had arranged crisis team to be there also. I didn't like the psychiatrist really and really didn't like the woman from crisis team. I didn't like Mike at first though, but my opinions are slowly changing. He was practical and to the point. Which is good.I suppose. I was told by the PDoc that I need to go back and see him in a week so see how things are and crisis gave me their number so I can call them when I need to. I can't see the point. I don't know what they can do. As I have said when I make up my mind to cut I know I will. There is no talking me down. So in all honesty I don't think they can help. I don't know what can really. I am still feeling suicidal and am looking in to ways of making it look like an accident. I really don't want to carry on feeling this way. I can't see what anyone else can do for me. I don't have people I can confide in really and if I did there is nothing they can do.
I don't want to be in hospital but I do think it may be the best place for me. Maybe at first things will get worse. There is no way I am going in though. No way at all. If it came down to it I would make sure I killed myself before even getting there and would do all I could to not get there. But what else does it leave?
So come 5pm I take a trip to the hospital. I tell them at the hospital that I cut that day at about 2 pm as I knew they wouldn't close them if they knew if they were from the night before. I wasn't drunk when I cut. I was when I took the pills. I planned on taking the pills. I planned for a while but I drank also. I don't know if was for dutch courage or what. So I was taken straight in to a cubicle which was nice of them and the nurse was lovely. She is the nicest I have seen before. I was asked if I wanted to speak to anyone from psych medicine dept and I said if they wanted me to they would. So trousers off and on a bed so they can stitch. I was given a local anaesthetic but also gas and air as it wasn't working enough. I have decided when I have kids that there is no way I am doing it with gas and air. It doesn't bloody work! Give me all the drugs you can. So one cut was stitched up and then they had to get the consultant in for the big one. While I was waiting for the consultant, Mike (who is the nurse man I have seen before) comes in. He says he knows I have an appointment with the Dr on Monday (I wonder how he knows this as I only booked the appointment a couple of days before and it's a different department). He sits and chats to me for a bit and tells me how it is getting out of hand yadda yadda yadda and I agree. I know it is. I know it's out of hand. Anyway, after talking to him for a bit he goes off and comes back saying he will get me some Diazepam to help with the agitation etc. After 5 hours down at A+E and the Consultant stitching my thigh I am allowed home.
Saturday -
I had arranged to go out with my friend Saturday evening but really couldn't be bothered. However, I didn't want to let her down. I was feeling like shit as I had wanted to end it all Thursday night and it didn't work. I really don't know how I got locked in the office or why I even went in there. I was feeling knackered and rough still. However we did go out. We started chatting and after one drink we decided between us that neither of us wanted to go out and we were going to go home get a drink and have a chat at home. So we did. She was supposed to stay at mine but as she has not been getting on with her husband recently she decided she was going to go home. Well I persuaded her to wanting the house to my self as I wanted to cut etc. So as soon as she left I got the rest of the alcohol took it upstairs and went to town cutting my leg again. I have tried to go over old scars so I don't end up with more scars so I went over an old scar on my leg. From what I then remember I took a load of the dihydrocodeine and also some paracetamol, diclofenac and what ever else I could get my hands on. I can't really remember much else a part from coming round in A+E. I was told I had been brought in as had been found with a ligature round my neck. I looked at my phone and at 3am I had called a taxi. Don't have a clue where it took me. All I remember was being in the resus area of A+E and they had put a glucose drip up as my blood sugar was low.
Sunday -
I was taken to the ward where a nurse helped me get dressed, when I left I grabbed a bag that had clothes in it from when I was at my friends the other week. So I was quite lucky I had a change of clothes. She helped me get dressed as I couldn't even stand up. I then slept for about 5 hours. I was moved to a different area on the ward and was told someone from Psych Medicine would be coming to see me. I fell asleep again for a few hours and woke up to Mike standing there. Saying that it was getting out of hand.
We then went to another room and had a scary chat. He said we should be looking at admission. I begged, pleaded and nearly started crying. He said things couldn't continue the way there were or I would be looking at involuntary admission. Basically being put under section 2. I said I knew that it was getting out of hand etc. He said he was going to make a phone call to the doctor about it and see what he said. So I start panicking and go get back on the hospital bed and start crying. Luckily the doc he spoke to said wouldn't be for the best if I was put on a psych ward but if things continued that is the way they were going.
After a while I spoke to Mike again when he had done my notes asking to speak to him again. I asked him did he mean that if I self harmed again I would be sectioned. I said I knew that it would happen again and that even though I was there I was planning on when I could next do it. He said no it didn't automatically mean that but he knew I hadn't been honest with people as of taking the OD on Thursday and not telling anyone. Even when I was at the hospital on Friday and threw up all over the place I was asked if I had taken anything and I denyed it. I explained to him that I found it really hard to be honest and open knowing what position of power he was in and that my worst fear is ending up in a psych ward. He said he understood but how is anyone able to help if I can't be honest about the way I am feeling and what is going through my head. Also, if I was feeling the way I am once I have made up my mind about something then I am stubborn, I will do it and I won't tell anyone if it means I am not going to be able to do it. I said to him that I hadn't been honest and there was a whole lot of stuff I hadn't told him as I was worried about peoples perceptions of me. I told him that I know when I am bad as I get the smell come back. This is when there is this smell that no one else can smell, it's the same each time but no one else smells it. I told him about hearing voices occasionally and also seeing things that aren't there. I said it really scares me. He didn't seem shocked by this and kept a neutral expression and said when people are in despair it's not uncommon to have those things happen.
He said he was worried about me and especially the blood letting. He said I had not told him before. I thought I had as I don't really see it as a big deal as it's not going to get infected and I don't need treatment for it. He said it was concerning. I didn't tell him I had ordered a load of hypodermic needles off the internet. Or a scalpel either.
I had asked someone to look at my leg as I noticed the stitches had popped out of both wounds. A Doc came and said they needed re-stitching. 10 hours later someone came to do it. At first he said he wouldn't be able to as had been open too long. He was horrible. He was accusing me of removing my own stitches from it as wouldn't just pop open. I said either they did or they did in A+E. In the end he re-stitched one of them but he left the other one with just a dressing on. So I have a huge hold in my leg. I have not had them as painful as this before when I have cut. I can't weight bear on my leg that they are in. It was awful on Saturday then got a bit better, so I think they popped. I think they may have again as although still really really hurts it is not as bad. I was told to rest and keep it elevated but I haven't been able to. So my own fault really. He was really horrible though and being in hospital those last few hours was horrible as I was just waiting around. Although I did over hear some good news while I was there. There is a nurse in the A+E who I can't stand. Actually not even sure she is a nurse as think I heard her say band 3. Anyway, I overheard that she had got a new job in London. So horrible nurse is leaving. I can't stand the cow. She talks to me like crap and has no compassion at all.
Monday -
So today I had to go see the Psychiatrist. Mike had called him in advance and said what had happened and Mike had arranged crisis team to be there also. I didn't like the psychiatrist really and really didn't like the woman from crisis team. I didn't like Mike at first though, but my opinions are slowly changing. He was practical and to the point. Which is good.I suppose. I was told by the PDoc that I need to go back and see him in a week so see how things are and crisis gave me their number so I can call them when I need to. I can't see the point. I don't know what they can do. As I have said when I make up my mind to cut I know I will. There is no talking me down. So in all honesty I don't think they can help. I don't know what can really. I am still feeling suicidal and am looking in to ways of making it look like an accident. I really don't want to carry on feeling this way. I can't see what anyone else can do for me. I don't have people I can confide in really and if I did there is nothing they can do.
I don't want to be in hospital but I do think it may be the best place for me. Maybe at first things will get worse. There is no way I am going in though. No way at all. If it came down to it I would make sure I killed myself before even getting there and would do all I could to not get there. But what else does it leave?
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
Attention Seeking!
Dave says he is going to kill himself. Every night he writes how he can't handle life and there is no other way out. Dave has children, and a wife but it seems as though they don't feel or understand his pain. Every night for the past week Dave has said he has had enough and he has taken an overdose of something. Does Dave not know that is not the way out? Sorry, I know it sounds heartless but to me this is just Dave's way of getting attention. He goes on and on about how much he wants out yet uses methods that will not work. I don't know Dave that well. I know he is hurting and there are obviously issues. The way he writes screams personality disorder. The neediness, the constant wanting.
I know, me of all people should be supportive. However, there is only so many times you can say to people get help, what you are feeling is wrong. But this person doesn't listen, he doesn't do anything other than say I'm going to kill my self I've had enough. If someone is that serious then just do it! Don't keep writing about it and grasping out for the attention. I find it quite annoying how people pander to it. These people do not make it any better. It reassures the person if they behave in that way then if they do the same again they will get the same response. I've done it. I've been there and taken overdoses and have written about it while doing it. Have waited for peoples replies to my thread.
I know I sound heartless. It probably is. I have been on the other side where I have felt so suicidal I have done things to try and kill myself. Mainly overdoses. I know now that that is not the way to do it. It will just make you sick and is painful and drawn out. Someone will usually figure out what is wrong with you before anything happens and you will get treatment. I read a lot of blogs; mainly medical ones. I have a fascination with medicine. There was one blog that really caught my eye it was medic999 I follow him so check him out. He wrote about a nurse from down south who od'd on paracetamol, went to a hotel and waited a couple of days. She went to a hotel outside her area as she knew that if she was in her area her collegues would be the ones who had to try and save her, and more than likely fail. She was in for a long and painful death. She was probably past the stage where you could get a liver transplant. That's another question that I am unsure of. If someone tries to kill themselves by way of overdose and the only way to save them is a liver transplant...should they get one? I mean. there are people on the waiting list for transplants that need them, they through no fault of their own need that transplant so they don't die. Yet someone can jump infront of them in the queue who tried to kill themselves. They don't value their life and they are taking the chance of life away from someone who really wants it. I know the person who took the overdose would have to consent to surgery and if they wanted to die then they would not consent. But still. It's weird for me to take this stance. I mean, I self harm, I have taken overdoses. I have been and still am quite suicidal.
I have even gone as far as telling a friend to take an overdose. But wait, before you judge let me explain why and the situation. My friend is a neurotic, needy person. She was with this guy for a couple of years. She was always coming to me with some problem or the other and to be honest she was treating him like shit! She would not let him be his own person and wanted to mould him in to what she wanted. She was really awful to him and I felt sorry for him. On numerous occasions I had said to her you are being out of order and if you don't do something about it you will lose him! But she didn't listen. So he finally broke up with her. I actually felt like congratulating him for standing on his own two feet for a change and freeing his balls from her vice like grasp.
Anyway, the break up hit her hard. I was there for her as you do as a friend. Went round, made her tea, listened to her, spoke to her in the middle of the night when we was upset and never said anything bad. But then it started getting that she was relying on me far too much, that I couldn't live my own life. She got to the stage where she was going on about it all the time and it was wearing me down. I tried to take a back seat by not answering her calls but she would call on the home number and my parents would answer etc. In the end she was going on and on about how she didn't feel life was worth living. I said to her don't be stupid. You are starting at uni in September, you have got a lot going on for you. And, if I can get through a 9 year break up (on the surface to other people I look as though I am coping) then you can.
She then was saying how she couldn't live without him and she was considering taking her medication for night terrors. I could tell by the way she was saying it there was no seriousness in it. I asked her how many pills she had and she said about 10. So I told her to take them! It shocked her in to seriously thinking about things and the way she was. I knew that they would not do any harm other than make her sleep for a bit. And, I thought she needed a mental health assessment so I thought it would be a good way of making sure she got one! I knew the pills wouldn't do her any harm, but she didn't. Also, in her telling me I thought that if she really wanted to die she wouldn't say she was going to as I had keys to her house and I would have gone round there and I would have got help etc. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I put too much of my own feelings in to it thinking how I am when I have been suicidal or wanting to self harm etc. I don't tell anyone! But my method worked anyway. It made her sit back and look at things.
My other friends thought it was quite ammusing anyway!
So, what I suppose I am talking about her, is how can I take this view point when I myself have been one of the "oh another self harmer" and "oh, you again". I suppose when I am self harming I don't think about the long term or even the immediate future of having to go to A+E to get stitched up. I think about how good it feels to be making the cut. Nothing else matters at the time. I even got corrected by a counsellor I went to see last week. I was talking about self harm and I said I have worked with self harmers and I am a self harmer. She said "no, you have worked with people who self harm and you are a person who self harms". You can expect to find the labelling and negative stereotyping from people who don't do it, but when you do it your self, what's that all about?
If you look at the list of blogs that I follow you can see I have a bit of a fascination with medicine and hospitals. My friend even said to me not long ago that I was weird as I like hospitals. I wouldn't go that far. But growing up I wanted to be a doctor. Then reality hit and I realised you actually needed to put more than average effort in and get more than average grades to study medicine. I gave up my dream at about 14 when I realised I was Miss Average! I think also I am scared of failure and never like to give things all my effort incase I still get average grades. I know they are grossly inaccurate but I love and always have loved programmes such as Casualty, Holby City, ER and so on. I know the facts are not right on them and not even being medically trained I get annoyed when the defib pads aren't in the right place, CPR is not being carried out deep enough, that they defib when it's not a shockable rhythm, and when they leave bra's etc on when doing defibs. But I love the programmes still. I also watch the more real life ones like helicopter hero's, the real A+E. My parents take the piss as I only seem to watch medical based TV.
I think maybe I have chosen the wrong career. I know doing the Social Worker training in a few years I will not be able to afford to go back to the bottom rung of the ladder and taking a massive pay cut. Don't get me wrong, I do think I will be a good SW. I never let my opinions of someone show, I listen to people, I don't let other peoples views of someone cloud my own judgement. I will make my own judgement. I think I am quite a good judge of character also.
I know that TV glamifies positions like Doctors, paramedics and nurses. In reading these peoples blogs they talk about a nice job or a good job being one that involves trauma, not picking people up off the floor who have had a few too many. I know that if I was one I would spend most of my day dealing with drunk people etc, but it doesn't stop me having a slight niggling feeling that I maybe should have re-done a couple of A-Levels and gone in to medicine!
Oh and if anyone does read this and has got this far can you leave me a comment to let me know what you think of my viewpoint. It would be interesting to see if other people share the same views as me...or if I am mad!
I know, me of all people should be supportive. However, there is only so many times you can say to people get help, what you are feeling is wrong. But this person doesn't listen, he doesn't do anything other than say I'm going to kill my self I've had enough. If someone is that serious then just do it! Don't keep writing about it and grasping out for the attention. I find it quite annoying how people pander to it. These people do not make it any better. It reassures the person if they behave in that way then if they do the same again they will get the same response. I've done it. I've been there and taken overdoses and have written about it while doing it. Have waited for peoples replies to my thread.
I know I sound heartless. It probably is. I have been on the other side where I have felt so suicidal I have done things to try and kill myself. Mainly overdoses. I know now that that is not the way to do it. It will just make you sick and is painful and drawn out. Someone will usually figure out what is wrong with you before anything happens and you will get treatment. I read a lot of blogs; mainly medical ones. I have a fascination with medicine. There was one blog that really caught my eye it was medic999 I follow him so check him out. He wrote about a nurse from down south who od'd on paracetamol, went to a hotel and waited a couple of days. She went to a hotel outside her area as she knew that if she was in her area her collegues would be the ones who had to try and save her, and more than likely fail. She was in for a long and painful death. She was probably past the stage where you could get a liver transplant. That's another question that I am unsure of. If someone tries to kill themselves by way of overdose and the only way to save them is a liver transplant...should they get one? I mean. there are people on the waiting list for transplants that need them, they through no fault of their own need that transplant so they don't die. Yet someone can jump infront of them in the queue who tried to kill themselves. They don't value their life and they are taking the chance of life away from someone who really wants it. I know the person who took the overdose would have to consent to surgery and if they wanted to die then they would not consent. But still. It's weird for me to take this stance. I mean, I self harm, I have taken overdoses. I have been and still am quite suicidal.
I have even gone as far as telling a friend to take an overdose. But wait, before you judge let me explain why and the situation. My friend is a neurotic, needy person. She was with this guy for a couple of years. She was always coming to me with some problem or the other and to be honest she was treating him like shit! She would not let him be his own person and wanted to mould him in to what she wanted. She was really awful to him and I felt sorry for him. On numerous occasions I had said to her you are being out of order and if you don't do something about it you will lose him! But she didn't listen. So he finally broke up with her. I actually felt like congratulating him for standing on his own two feet for a change and freeing his balls from her vice like grasp.
Anyway, the break up hit her hard. I was there for her as you do as a friend. Went round, made her tea, listened to her, spoke to her in the middle of the night when we was upset and never said anything bad. But then it started getting that she was relying on me far too much, that I couldn't live my own life. She got to the stage where she was going on about it all the time and it was wearing me down. I tried to take a back seat by not answering her calls but she would call on the home number and my parents would answer etc. In the end she was going on and on about how she didn't feel life was worth living. I said to her don't be stupid. You are starting at uni in September, you have got a lot going on for you. And, if I can get through a 9 year break up (on the surface to other people I look as though I am coping) then you can.
She then was saying how she couldn't live without him and she was considering taking her medication for night terrors. I could tell by the way she was saying it there was no seriousness in it. I asked her how many pills she had and she said about 10. So I told her to take them! It shocked her in to seriously thinking about things and the way she was. I knew that they would not do any harm other than make her sleep for a bit. And, I thought she needed a mental health assessment so I thought it would be a good way of making sure she got one! I knew the pills wouldn't do her any harm, but she didn't. Also, in her telling me I thought that if she really wanted to die she wouldn't say she was going to as I had keys to her house and I would have gone round there and I would have got help etc. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I put too much of my own feelings in to it thinking how I am when I have been suicidal or wanting to self harm etc. I don't tell anyone! But my method worked anyway. It made her sit back and look at things.
My other friends thought it was quite ammusing anyway!
So, what I suppose I am talking about her, is how can I take this view point when I myself have been one of the "oh another self harmer" and "oh, you again". I suppose when I am self harming I don't think about the long term or even the immediate future of having to go to A+E to get stitched up. I think about how good it feels to be making the cut. Nothing else matters at the time. I even got corrected by a counsellor I went to see last week. I was talking about self harm and I said I have worked with self harmers and I am a self harmer. She said "no, you have worked with people who self harm and you are a person who self harms". You can expect to find the labelling and negative stereotyping from people who don't do it, but when you do it your self, what's that all about?
If you look at the list of blogs that I follow you can see I have a bit of a fascination with medicine and hospitals. My friend even said to me not long ago that I was weird as I like hospitals. I wouldn't go that far. But growing up I wanted to be a doctor. Then reality hit and I realised you actually needed to put more than average effort in and get more than average grades to study medicine. I gave up my dream at about 14 when I realised I was Miss Average! I think also I am scared of failure and never like to give things all my effort incase I still get average grades. I know they are grossly inaccurate but I love and always have loved programmes such as Casualty, Holby City, ER and so on. I know the facts are not right on them and not even being medically trained I get annoyed when the defib pads aren't in the right place, CPR is not being carried out deep enough, that they defib when it's not a shockable rhythm, and when they leave bra's etc on when doing defibs. But I love the programmes still. I also watch the more real life ones like helicopter hero's, the real A+E. My parents take the piss as I only seem to watch medical based TV.
I think maybe I have chosen the wrong career. I know doing the Social Worker training in a few years I will not be able to afford to go back to the bottom rung of the ladder and taking a massive pay cut. Don't get me wrong, I do think I will be a good SW. I never let my opinions of someone show, I listen to people, I don't let other peoples views of someone cloud my own judgement. I will make my own judgement. I think I am quite a good judge of character also.
I know that TV glamifies positions like Doctors, paramedics and nurses. In reading these peoples blogs they talk about a nice job or a good job being one that involves trauma, not picking people up off the floor who have had a few too many. I know that if I was one I would spend most of my day dealing with drunk people etc, but it doesn't stop me having a slight niggling feeling that I maybe should have re-done a couple of A-Levels and gone in to medicine!
Oh and if anyone does read this and has got this far can you leave me a comment to let me know what you think of my viewpoint. It would be interesting to see if other people share the same views as me...or if I am mad!
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