Monday, 30 June 2014


I have noticed in the last few months I haven't been writing on here as much as I used to. Or as much as I should. Writing on here helps me place things in to the right boxes in my head and gives me some order to my thoughts.

So where am I.

A bit lost again. Struggling again. The little voices in my head have got louder.

G thinks this is because I am stressed and have a lot going on. There is the thing with starting college, telling Uni I am not going back, stress with my family and stress with my friends.

But, even if this is the case, how I am feeling, even though I can attribute some of the way I feel to how I feel. It still sucks. I hate it.

G says I need to not reinforce my thoughts by acting on anything. If I don't act on the self harm urges or let the other thoughts get out of control I am positively reinforcing them. Not negatively. So, each time it will get easier and easier to deal with how I am feeling and the thoughts I have. I see where he is coming from. What I can't see is me actually doing that. OK, sometimes I have. But other times I haven't. I do end up giving in. Even now, I am telling myself that if it gets to the beginning of August and I still feel like I do, I will allow myself to do something. I am not saying end it all. But, I mean in terms of cutting. That's fair enough isn't it? I mean, It is over a month away still. It's not like I am not going to give it a good go.

I turned 30 not long ago. I feel shit about that. 30 was my base age growing up of what was old. Even when I was in my early 20's. People have been taking the piss out of me because I was feeling shit about it. But, they don't know the real reasons. Not how I really feel about it. I can't say it is, and I know they probably look at my life and all they see is me not working and going on holiday etc etc. They don't look beneath the surface and see what is really going on. I am probably doing it with them. But, they have careers, they have a house, they are in a long term relationship or at least able to think about going there. I am nowhere near any of these. I had all these ideas that by the time I was my age I would have it sorted. Not be in a position where I can't work as of the illness, not be too scared to go anywhere near a relationship. I would love to have some sense of normality in my life. Not walk around wishing I was dead. Not counting the medication I have in and then googling whether or not it would kill me, not thinking I need to swallow something. Not seeing swallowing something as a not really self harming thing. Not writing about swallowing something and going to the cupboard I keep things in and swallow something because even writing about it makes the urge uncontrollable.

I pictured being 30 as being married, having kids, having a nice(ish) house, having a career where I earn a decent wage and not being entry level. I have none of this. And, I am no where near getting any of it. From being about 13, I have known I have wanted kids. I always said by the time I was 25 I would like them. I saw people who said they wanted to wait until they were in their 30's as being quite odd. I wanted kids young. I wanted to be a young Mum. I wanted to be young enough so that when the kids are old enough and I have made money in a career I could go on nice holidays like my parents have done. OK, I know they're not happy. But still. Another thing I want is I wanted my kids to grow up with cousins who are close in age so that they could be friends. My nephews are 5 and 3 now. I suppose, they can be babysitters for me when they are older at least.

So, G asked me to think about a few things. He told me to write them down so I would remember. The thing is, although I wrote them down I am not exactly sure in what context he wanted me to think about them. Do I look at just one aspect, or to every area of my life. Every area would take me ages.

What schemas are active? What traps are there? What would the healthy adult response be?

Do urges/thoughts etc fit with my priorities, do they block me from achieving them?

Do urges/thoughts fit with meeting my needs or are they getting in the way of it?

What would the consequences be in terms of reinforcing schemas?

Are my priorities and needs the same as my values? What are they and how do you act so they are affective for you?

I really don't know where to start with this. It's like I have been given an essay to write and I have no idea what I am doing. It is harder than my bloody masters level social work essays. And I only have a week to think about it. I have know idea what I need to do with this.

Sunday, 15 June 2014


I've been here before. I do have a massive sense of Deja Vu. And I think, it's approaching the time I need to do something about it.

Before my trip with them I had a few doubts. People have said to me a few times, that perhaps I need to find some new friends. I saw G on Wednesday last week. He put it in a slightly more diplomatic way. He said it sounded like my friends didn't meet my needs. And that I needed to think about how my friends met my needs. He wanted me to write a list.

This is basically what I have come up with...

In the unmet needs side of things, I have got...

I don't feel supported in what I do.
Feel as what ever I do do in trying to move on is scrutinised.

Basically with this, it comes from me wanting to change career all together. But, I feel any steps I have made with this have come under huge scrutiny and I feel that I am not getting any support. In the past few months I have seriously considered a career in photography. I really like it. I am quite good at it. With some teaching, I think I will be good. I have had professional photographers tell me I am good, but I need to learn how to use equipment properly and use professional equipment, not just my phone. So basically, that I have an eye and I can be trained in to being a photographer. So, I had decided I am going to leave Social Work behind for now and make a go of this. But it does mean going back to college. So I applied. I got an interview. And after loads of prep for the interview and the interview I got a place on the course. Bar one friend. No one wished me luck, no one said I hope you get on, no one congratulated me or asked me how it went. When I mentioned it it was like, oh, that's good. But with no enthusiasm at all. One of my friends, she contacted me during the day of the interview asking how I was feeling about it and wishing me luck. I had texts from her about an hour after the interview time asking me how it all went. She was supportive, she was thinking about me. But no one else does. I feel like they think I am just taking the piss and I should get any old job. I have been ill for enough time now and I should just move on.

Well, sorry, it doesn't work like that.

They make me feel guilty about how I spend my time. I've lost quite a lot of weight in the last year. I have been going to the gym and eating well. Well, most the times. As I write this I have a glass of red wine in my hand and have nuts near by. I don't brag about it or anything. But people have noticed I have lost weight. I've dropped 3 dress sizes. But then people say things like that it's easy to lose weight when you don't work. This is coming from a person who works part time so she doesn't have much of an excuse. But, it's just another dig. So because of this, I feel I have to censor what I say to people. I feel that people don't know me. If I say I was upset about something I am made to feel as though I am defective because I have been too sensitive for those feelings I have had. So I keep quiet about everything.

They don't understand my MH problems. I think that they think because I am not in hospital that I am well. That I should be working. They don't understand that every day is a struggle. That because I am not in hospital, it doesn't mean I am OK. Yes, I have improved since I was in PICU. But, it's not easy. I have found ways in which makes it a bit easier. But, in all honesty, I don't actually feel any different since hospital. I just don't act on things like I did before. But, that doesn't mean it's any easier for me. If anything it's harder for me.

I don't think they understand that there is no cure for the illness. It is something I will battle with for a long time. It's something I have to work bloody hard at. It drains me. Because of the illness, I have lost a career. Because of the way things are now, the career I had planned isn't really suited to me. So, i have chosen to follow photography. To be self employed and manage my own case load. I do have a good chance at making a career out of this. I have got the talent. But, I am not getting any support from them at all.

I need my friends to recognise my achievements. I just completed a massive challenge for me. I walked bloody miles and then climbed the highest mountain in the UK. Not one of them contacted me while I was doing it to ask how it was going, no one after. Then, when I saw them all after, no one asked how it went etc. I was quite upset by it. My family were all great. One of my friends (not from the same group) was too (I just want to add when I talk about friends I am talking about a particular group of about 6 of them, one of them, a different friend is totally amazing, she doesn't come in to this at all). But, no one sees what I have done as being an achievement for me.

They do have some good points though. They did visit me while I was in hospital. They kept in contact with me. I lost a lot of friends when I became ill. But, they were there.

When I want to go out and get pissed, dance like a fool, and forget shit. There is usually someone there to rely on to do that.

But, should I keep looking to the past to determine the future? In that, I mean, I have very little in common with them. I get upset by them. Are they good for me any more? Should I hold on to the past that they were there when I was at my worst. Or, move on? I feel guilty.

I was speaking, well more ranting to my other friend and my parents about it all. They said they are like that because they are probably jealous. Do they not realise I would swap places with them in a shot. Do they not realise I have lost a career. Something I worked towards for years. Something that has got me in nearly 20k worth of student debt for. I lost friends. I lost my life. I go through shit most days. I live my life wishing I was dead. I would have loved to have stayed at uni. Got my masters, to have a career, have a house, have a stable long term relationship, or even be in a position where I could enter a relationship, I would love to not rely on medication to give me some kind of stableness when it works.
So yes, I do get to go away quite a bit. But that is because my parents are really supportive. I get a lot from my parents. They are supporting me with the photography. They want me to succeed in that. And, it doesn't actually cost them that much more to take me with them. But, yes. I am lucky, I admit that. I have a supportive family. Family and my other friend have noticed some snotty comments on facebook from another friend about how I am going away soon with my Dad to Europe. Friend and family jumped to my defence immediately backing me up and saying how what the other girl had wasn't bad at all and she needed to think her self lucky etc.

But is it jealousy? I am upset and angry if it is. If it is, they can't be that good friends because they don't know me. They don't know me at all. I would give anything to be able to be in the career I worked towards for so long, to be in a position to be in a long term relationship, to not have to think through every step I make in case it sends me hyper or low. I am not saying their lives are full of roses. They also have their problems. But, is it too much to ask for for some support? Is it?

Oh. And this was my 500th post. Happy 500 to meeeeeee!

Friday, 13 June 2014

A Question.... Please Answer In Comments...

So, G has asked me to write what my friends give me. By this he means what needs of mine are met by my friends.

For a start I don't know what my needs are.

To me the whole exercise seems a bit of a pros and cons list of keeping these people as friends. To be fair, numerous people have said to me I need to find new friends. I think, that this, is probably a psychologists way of saying the same thing. But, as he can't actually say that to me too ( I don't think he can anyway), he wants me to make the decision based on fact.

He can probably see it all. He will know what my needs are. But, me being me. I don't have a clue.

So, my question, I think, is how do your friends meet your needs?


Thursday, 5 June 2014


Insomnia strikes again tonight. I feel so stressed out. My head is a mess. Urges are in overdrive. Even having dreams about it. Last night I had a really graphic dream that my throat was slit and I was bleeding out. I had this really nice calm feeling. Despite them stitching it up, I kept opening it just to get that nice calm feeling. It was really detailed. I sometimes remember dreams. But nothing like this one. The last time I had such a vivid dream, I didn't realise it at the time, but it was a premonition.

I know my fate is in my hands. But that worries me. I'm not saying I'm going to do anything. It's never been one of my fantasies in terms of self harm. But, what worries me is that it could be a premonition that things are heading to crisis point. The point where I do something life altering on purpose, but as a spontaneous act. Sometimes, I do lose control. I am doing everything I can to try and keep control. In trying things like distraction, mindfulness exercises, getting out, seeing family, going to the gym etc. I've also been extra self medicating. I've needed it. I've needed the extra Quetiapine to get me through the day. I've needed to feel that spaced out feeling so I am not in overdrive with the urges. So I don't act on anything. I'm not sure it's the right thing to be doing. But when crisis team aren't very helpful, I've had to do something myself.

I'm stressed out about this coming weekend. I don't want to go. I am not ready to see everyone who I went on the trip with last week. I need space still. But if I don't go it will cause a huge blow up and the friendships will end but not on my terms. I've even considered making myself ill. Considered a load of laxatives and saying to doctors I don't know what's made me ill, hoping I end up in hospital because I can't keep fluids in. I considered faking appendicitis. Actually going as far as going to hospital with it. I looked up all the symptoms, would have been quite easy to fake. I even thought if they wanted to remove it just to be on the safe side I'd go through with surgery. How fucked up is that? But then I realised how much money I'd cost the NHS and thought twice. Also, because I'd had previous abdominal surgery, it would be most likely it would be open. Not keyhoLe. Thus, not being able to go to the gym for a few weeks. Thought that could actually make my mood worse off in the long run, especially when comparing it to my agony of not wanting to go this weekend.

So, I've decided to suck it up, try as best I can to put on a happy face and make it look like I'm having a great time. I don't want any focus on me at all this weekend. I don't want people asking if I'm ok, and then giving people a reason to bitch about me behind my back. It's not just that I don't want the paranoia, this weekend isn't about me. The focus is on the bride to be.

That makes it sound as though it's usually about me, doesn't it? It's not. But, people don't understand my problems. It's not just being sad. Or a bit down in the dumps,  or being a miserable party pooper. But, I think that's how they view me. I try as hard as I can to put on this facade of being ok. But, try as I might, it usually breaks.

I have a feeling that I'm going to come back from this weekend totally drained. I know that's pessimistic. But, being with a group of people for any length of time does that to me. I can't cope with it.

I suppose I'm quite a solitary person. Not sure if I've always been like that. I've been uncomfortable in groups for quite a while. I get anxious, I get paranoid. I prefer the company of one other person, not lots of people. I always feel as though I'm on the outside.

Maybe it's because I don't have much in common with the groups I tend to associate with. I don't know. But I feel like an outsider.