It's pretty much how I am feeling. Don't know why I feel like I am doing at the moment. It's wearing me down so much. I am trying to concentrate on uni stuff but it's hard when at the back of my mind all there is is thinking about how much I want to cut and how bad I am feeling.
I have had a letter from the place that the GP referred me to and I have to make an appointment with a Psychiatrist. I honestly don't feel that there is much point as in their eyes they have diagnosed me and I feel that I am going to go in there where they will have this pre negative misconception about me, that there is nothing they can do as not clinical and is psychological. I don't think that there is much point. I will go in there for an hour where I will be assessed by the Psychiatrist, they will ask me lots of questions about my family and my childhood as apparently that has everything to do with it. It's all very Freudian. I am feeling very negative about it. I will be referred on to a group more than likely that I wont go to in case of seeing service users I know already. I have told this to the nurse who I have spoke to a few times at the psychological medicine department. Also, the place I will more than likely have to go is at the hospital where I do quite a bit of work already. So I run the risk of being seen by someone I know from there.
I don't believe in the diagnosis that they have given so far. I am not sure if I have said but they believe it to be Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. In other words, borderline PD. I have worked with a lot of people with this diagnosis and from my own experience dealing with these people I don't believe it is this. Ok, so there are some traits but not the 5 on the scale that there needs to be to give a diagnosis. I feel that the Psychs give this diagnosis when they can't see what it is and are at a last end when someone presents as depressed and who self harms.
I will tell them all this when I go in. I will let them know my feelings. I know I have poor coping strategies and I need to work on those. I don't know what I can do to do that or what is available. But I know that I disagree. I was hoping that I would just be referred for some counselling and that would be it. I suppose I should think of it in a positive way that I will be assessed again by a Psychiatrist. But I know what it is like from working in the field about how they treat people.
What is my main thing at the moment is I don't know why I am feeling like I do. I suppose there have been signs there for a while about how I am feeling. When I was with my ex, he used to be able to realise that I was getting depressed again before me. I don't have that anymore so maybe it has been going on for a while and I have just not noticed it. I don't know why I self harm, I just know the relief that comes from doing it. I have said in previous posts about that.
Not to dwell anyway as wont make me feel better.
I know that I will say to the Psychiatrist is that while no one knows about the depression and self harm I am able to have some element of control over it. Like, I can manage not to do it too badly when there are other people in the house. I think if people knew then there would be nothing holding me back. So that is my reason for keeping it so private. I am not even sure if my parents know I am depressed. They don't know I have suffered in the past. I am trying hard to hide it now though. When I am spending quite a bit of time in the house it is in my room and I think they have noticed that. I am trying to throw myself in to uni so I have focus somewhere else. But what happens the next time I am on my own, the next time I do have the opportunity to really have a good go at it. Will it be worse as I haven't done it properly in a while. I am even planning on when I can do it properly again. I'd like to think I am not suicidal. I don't think I am. But the thoughts do creep in every now and then. It's lyrics from music that I relate to and over think about... the ones at the moment being from the Killers - Why do I keep counting - "Will I live to have some children", from Robbie Williams Feel "I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on living either" and from the song Mad World "I find it kind of funny, i find it kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had". So I can relate to these. Does this mean I want it? Urgh! Go away nasty feelings!