Thursday, 23 October 2014

Growing Old

I don't want to grow old. I don't want to die a slow painful death from a drawn out illness that I have no control over (such as cancer etc). I don't see a future. I don't want to lose people close to me, watching them go one by one. I don't want to watch all that and think my own death is getting closer and closer, it being something I fear. I want to have that control. I don't want to live my life with the regular low periods where sometimes they don't hang around long, but most of the time they are totally disabling. I can't ever see me being able to live a normal life. A life where self harm is not the first thing I turn to when things are tough. I don't ever see me being rid of this whole thing.

I don't see a point. Why should I have to suffer like this? What is the point in it? Was I really bad in a past life and I have been reincarnated in to this hell. Is this hell?


My mouth is cracked and sore from purging so much. I feel shit because I don't know why I feel low. I purge more because I feel low.

I saw G earlier. He said I look and angry. I wasn't before the appointment. But I was after. Nothing he did or said. But because of what I was thinking about and the stuff that came out, I felt angry after. And why...because I am so fucking sick of this. I am sick of the lows. I am worried that this low will get worse and worse and I will end up in an awful position again. Not just thinking about ending my life, but taking steps to do it. Really self destructive behaviours. The pattern of what has happened in the past, repeating again. G told me not to dread it and to worry about it. Not to think that that is what is going to happen as I am biasing myself for it to happen. But, how do I not do that? I am trying to tell myself that it may not necessarily happen. But, it's quite hard not to. G said I have been low before and it hasn't always spiralled and got worse. He mentioned a time, but I struggle to remember it all.

But as it stands at the moment, I am thinking about taking steps to end it. Thinking of buying drugs offline. Stockpiling medication again. Trawling the Internet for hints and tips. Not exactly healthy behaviour is it?

The self harm urges have lessened. The suicidal urges have increased.

I don't know what the fuck to do.

Tuesday, 21 October 2014

I've Not SH

Not yet anyway. I want to. I am having issues around control at the moment. Making myself sick a lot. I want to cut. I want to blood let. Thoughts of suicide are prominent. The idea of stockpiling medication. Of stopping medication too. I can't see the point in it. I don't think it's working as it should be.

Today was the first day I have had in weeks where I could sit and do nothing and not feel bad about doing it. I have been working like mad on this course and on the assignment I am doing. I need more time for me. But, I don't have it. I don't think I can cope with the pressures of the course. I am not sure going back to college was the best thing for me to do. And, because I have these feelings I feel as though I am failing. I have tried to do something to try and get better and it's making me worse. I can't cope with it and it's making me feel like this. But, I can't not do it. To everyone on the outside they think I am doing well. They think I am ok. They don't know I have been stockpiling medication again. And I am just biding my time. I am making plans in case I need to fall back on them.

Then, I feel like I am defective. I haven't told anyone at college about my MH problems. I haven't really told them much about me at all. I don't want them knowing or seeing that weak side. I lost a lot of friends when I had to leave uni because of ending up in hospital. I suppose they weren't really friends to start with when no one contacted me. There were rumours going around about me, no one contacted me to see if I was ok. So, they obviously weren't friends were they?

I know I shouldn't, but I see my MH as a defective weak thing. I see myself as weak and abnormal. I don't want people knowing that.

Right now I am writing this to stop myself going and sticking my fingers down my throat and taking a needle to a vein. I feel like I need that release. I have already purged twice today. But, I don't feel relieved. I need to feel empty.

I have been feeling so low this last week or so. I feel deflated. Then I get in to the b/p spiral as I want to eat to comfort myself, so then I feel bad and need to get rid of it. Then because that only helps a little, I then want to do something that does help. Currently it is blood letting. I think that may help me feel better.

I am sick of these lows. They are consuming. I fear them. I fear them because when they arrive it takes over every waking second. The thoughts of ending my life get more frequent, dark thoughts consume me. And ok, they don't go on forever, but they come back again. And again. And again! It's a never ending circle.

Thursday, 9 October 2014


G told me I am craving self harm as for me it's an addiction. So, one way to look at the urges are as a craving and to see them as a positive thing. Because, if I have an urge/craving, it means I haven't given in to it. Can kind of see his point. So, I told him to give up smoking and to when he wants one to enjoy that craving and see it as a positive thing as he is not doing something that is dangerous to his health.

I can kind of see his point. But, I don't like that way of looking at it.

The stubborn, angry person inside of me is thinking this whole thing is a load of bollocks. I can sit there and listen to him telling me that if I SH, it won't just be the once, it will become more frequent, I will give in to it easier next time, it then leads to me having suicidal feelings and my behaviour getting more and more risky. I know he's right, deep down the rational person inside of me knows that what he says makes sense and usually, those patterns do start. But, on the other hand I was sitting there, like an angry teenager thinking you don't know me, it's all a load of crap, I can do what I want, I can be in control and I can manage it. After Wednesday next week, it's OK for me to go and cut. It's OK for me to do it. I can do it just the once. I can be in control.

This part of me is winning at the moment. I have pretty much told myself that, after next Wednesday, if I still feel the same, then I will let myself cut. The short term gratification of cutting is winning. I haven't got a day set as to when I will allow myself to. But, it will be OK.

I feel as though I am all broken up in to separate parts. They don't merge together. I am finding it really hard.

I feel quite on my own at the moment. I have not formed any relationships with anyone on the course. In fact, I find everyone annoying and childish. I have these paranoid feelings that people are talking about me behind my back. The two people that I spend my time with, the two people are closest to my age, have become quite cliquey together. I don't know how much of it is a mask, but they are those over happy people. Use over exaggerated hand movements, do jazz hands a lot, and all of that type of annoying stuff. OK, writing this down makes it sound quite pathetic how I am feeling. It's their vibe, attitude etc that I find it all really annoying. The sniggering. All of that. I feel quite different from everyone. I know that I probably am not. OK, they won't have spent any or as much time in hospital. They won't act like I do. But, a lot of these people will have huge problems and be struggling as much as I am. I need to try and give people more slack. I need to stop thinking that no one else has ever had mental health problems and they don't understand it/me. Because, I am sure many of these people will.

But, then on the other hand, I am surrounded by kids. Many of them are still living sheltered lives. Don't understand mental health and see mental health and self harm as something crazy people do. Maybe, I am being a bit harsh. But, I can't help the way I feel. It annoys me that many of the people in the class probably don't want to be there. But, they have to be as they need to be in education or training of some form until they are 18/19. The course doesn't cost them anything and they have probably seen it as the easy option. So they chose that thinking it would be fun. Then, there's me who is paying over 5k a year to go to college to learn these new skills so that I can make something of myself. It just annoys me. I had my chance though. I did get my free education, I have been their age and did A Levels as I didn't want to work in a shitty job. I was 18 when I went to college. I got my A Levels that I didn't have to pay for. Then I went to uni to get my degree. So, I can't moan I suppose, I had my opportunity. But, saying that, I wasn't forced in to college etc. The government didn't say I had to be in education or training. Young people are choosing courses now because they have to be in education, and courses like I'm doing, are possibly seen as the easy option. So, that is tough. When you have people who don't really want to be there there, and I'm there and paying so much. It's annoying. I went to college and did A Levels because I wanted to be there, and everyone I was with also wanted to be there.

OK rant over.