I have started to have quite intrusive thoughts again. I think it’s because I can sense I am losing control and there is nothing I can do regain control. The thing with uni is really bothering me. I still haven’t heard and I am feeling quite pessimistic about it. I don’t think they are going to let me go back. There is nothing else I want to do and cannot envisage being anything other than a Social Worker. All my progress that I have made has been with going back to uni in mind. I have put everything in to going back to uni. And, there is a deep feeling within me that if I am not allowed to then I will be making plans to end it all. The thoughts are already there which has been really disturbing and the need to self-harm has increased loads. I don’t feel I can talk to anyone about it as I feel I will have things taken away from me like the privileges I have. At the moment I have a decent amount of leave and can leave the ward, albeit escorted, when I want. I worry if I tell them how I really feel that these privileges will be taken away from me and then I will be forced to stay on the ward. Everyone thinks I am doing so well at the moment but I just feel so fragile and about to break at any time. I can see why the doc has said she wants uni sorted before she thinks about transferring me back to the acute ward as she thinks I will break down should the news not be good. I have not made any plans at the moment but the thoughts are there and they are quite strong. They are making me feel anxious and really on edge. I am trying to distract myself by reading which is working quite well but as soon as I stop they seap in again taking over. I plan how I can self-harm while I am here but I am struggling to see a way as I have someone on top of me if I move so it’s not as though I can get anything.
I have had access to my medical records which has made really interesting reading. Especially the notes from when I was on the PICU at Out Of City Hospital. In particular Fingers’ notes. First off they described me as being manipulative and trying to split staff which I never did. I am quite upset by that. I spoke to a member of staff here about it telling her what they had said and she said she had never seen that in me and nor had anyone else on this ward so to ignore what they said as I was not like that. I like the staff here so what they think is more important but I don’t like the idea it’s in my notes as a permanent record. Also Fingers’ account of what happened that night which led to me putting a complaint in against him. It’s so wrong. He has written about it as though there were two separate incidents that happened a week a part. And, he did not give any rationale as to why he locked me out my room all night, he did not mention that I was upset and it was aimed at him in particular, or that he pushed me over. But then if you did something that wasn’t approved you would probably fail to mention it. I told a member of staff here what had happened that night with Fingers and she was not surprised I kicked him in the balls. Funnily enough no one who I have told is surprised and they all think he deserved it. Even when I have said I shouldn’t have done it as it was technically assault they have said if I was treated the same way I would have done something similar. I can’t condone what I did and I am ashamed of myself for losing my temper that far that I ended up kicking out at him. But it does make me feel better to know I am supported.
In regards to the complaint that was made about him, they have still not resolved it. It was actually my Mum who put the complaint in on my behalf. She did have her own qualms about him also which were brought up in the complaint. But she has received a letter stating that they are still looking in to the complaint and are questioning the staff on the ward. I don’t know what will happen, but I hope that he won’t get away with his behaviour.
What I didn’t like about reading my notes was, again, particularly at Out of City Hospital was how they practically wrote all I had said all day and all the conversations with staff I had had. Every move I made was being monitored. The first place I was at, their notes are pretty accurate and they didn’t make assumptions of what I was feeling whereas OOC did. Maybe getting access to my notes wasn’t a good idea?
Another thing I have seen from them though was how ill I was when I swallowed the needle. I have the medical notes as well as the psych notes from that period and it states that they had to call the crash team twice as I stopped breathing (because of the morphine). I wasn’t aware of this at all. Well, not the seriousness of it. I thought I had just been asleep and when I woke up I had one of the blokes off the ward holding my hand (quite sweet really). At the time they just told me I needed a bit of oxygen. I was pretty out of it I suppose. I had been hallucinating also. Although I do remember that. I thought there were trolls(the kind you used to get free in cereal packets that went on your pencil) outside the window and that there were fireworks going off really slowly. I was convinced I had been moved to a different hospital and was having a kind of out of body experience. That’s pain and morphine for you. They wrote that I wanted to know detailed information of the operation and to see where they had operated as though it was unusual. It’s not is it? If you had a major operation you would wanna know what they did wouldn’t you? The way it was written was as though I had an unusual interest.
It’s interesting and upsetting reading other people’s perceptions of you.
One last thing I have learnt was how much information my Mum knows about the self-harm and how much of that has come from hospital staff! It’s pissed me off quite a bit really as what happened to doctor-patient confidentiality? She seems to know about everything I have done. She also has told them quite a bit, like she told the staff at OOC Hospital what happened when I stole the money, so what I thought was a massive disclosure that was really hard for me wasn’t as they probably already knew if they had read my notes! That’s another reason I don’t want to tell them how I am feeling at the moment as I know everything goes into my notes where other people can read about it. I want to talk about it but I don’t want to be written and have what I say misinterpreted. I have been pretty open with Gary the psychologist and I am seeing him tomorrow. I don’t know if I am going to be able to tell him. He is usually quite supportive. What I like about him, the same as I like about Sam is I can ask what they think and they give me their opinion. Not like normal counselling where you have to figure it out for yourself while being guided I can just ask them and I get an honest, practical answer. Not your usual "ummm, ahhh, I understand" crap. But, even still, it has to go in my notes. I suppose I could start with how I had had access to my notes and I was quite upset with what had been written as I feel as though people perceive me wrongly and what I say is misinterpreted. It’s made me really paranoid about what people are writing about me now. No wonder my female neighbour shouts abuse at me as she thinks I am broadcasting things about her over the internet!
Anyway, I made some cakes today and they were ace. Chocolate orange sponge and chocolate fudge icing. AMAZING, if I do say so myself. My best attempt at baking yet! Yum Yum!