Saturday, 23 October 2010

Maybe I Am Not Over Him? My Funny Attempts to Move On....

So, I have not actually told anyone this but I don't think I am over my ex yet. Don't get me wrong I know we (I say we like I had a choice) have done the right thing in breaking up and I don't want to get back with him...but why should be be happy and me not. I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship. Except the depression and self harming which he couldn't cope with. But, I feel myself really missing him at times. I see little things on a fleeting thought comes in thinking "oh I'll tell ? about that, he'll laugh at that". And also finding myself thinking about things we did together and little private jokes we shared. Then it hits me really hard. I don't know, maybe it's not him per se I am missing but the having a significant other to share things with. But then I say that and the last thing I want at the moment is to be starting a new relationship. I really can't be bothered with the effort. And also looks like I have been attacked by mad knife man on my legs and how do I explain that one?

There is a guy on the scene at the moment who I do quite like, but I am always the one who has to make the effort in arranging to do something or in texting him. Why should I be the one that goes to all the effort. Yet, at the same time show me a guy who is too keen and I am running for the hills. Why can't I find a happy medium.

In an attempt to get over the ex who I will now refer to as Gom (grumpy old man) I joined a couple of internet dating sites. So, the weekend after that I had been forcefully evicted from the house I shared with him (a long story and quite personal that it may give away who I am) I went on my first internet date (well not first as went on one a couple of years previous but first of this time)...

1) Mark -

A guy with red hair....I don't know what it is but I have a thing about ginger/auburn men. This guy in his pictures was a geeky chic kind of guy. Sort of quirky looking which I like and very different from Gom. So I was texting him quite a lot. I don't like speaking on the phone to people and always text people rather than calling them. I don't know what it is but I just don't like speaking to people who I don't know very well on the phone unless it is in a professional capacity. Even family who I don't see very often I will text to see how they are rather than call. But anyway... So I was in contact with him quite a lot, sending a good few messages every day. We decided we were going to go on a date with each other as we were getting on quite well through text. There were a couple of niggles I had about him, like when he asked me what I would look for in an ideal man I told him what I wanted in a man and what they could do for me. I asked him the same question and his response was "someone he could look after". It kind of put me off as even though there is the MH problems I have I like to stand on my own two feet and am quite a forceful person. I know what I want and I go after what I want. So he sounded a bit like a sap. I text my friends (there we go, texting again) to let them know where I was going and as I had a feeling to see who was around as back up in case I needed it. Well, as soon as I met him I knew straight away that something was not quite right with this guy. It was like he had special needs. I was actually quite concerned that people would see me and think I was out with one of my patients. I know it sounds awful as I should be less judgemental but this was awful. Within 5 minutes of meeting him I was in the toilet on the phone (yes, I actually called someone - desperate times called for desperate measures) to my friend formulating a plan that would ensure that I could do a runner from him. I concocted this whole story about what was going on and got my friend to call twice while I was with him pretending to be in a massive mess and she needed my help. Abracadabra - 25minutes after meeting him I was in a taxi with 2 bottles of wine to go to a friends house to drink and be merry and laugh about the disaster of a date.

2) Nate -

After having been travelling for a few months and returning home I felt that I was ready to have another go at this whole meeting someone game. So online I met another guy, Nate. However, I had to postpone our first date by 2 weeks as I was in hospital with an infection and on IV antibiotics (what you get from injuring yourself in Asia, taking your own stitches out with non-sterile equipment (I wasn't going to pay though) and not looking after to wound properly. It wasn't a SI but an accident I had). I made sure we spoke on the phone this time. Didn't want a repeat of last time. I thought this guy was quite interesting and he was stunningly gorgeous! Too good to be true. I thought he was interesting as I said and I thought he had a good sense of humour and was taking the piss a lot. Turns out he wasn't taking the piss and he was deadly serious...this guy was in need of a MH Assessment. He believed he had some electric telekinetic powers and was really in to vampires and said he hung out with them. He was indecisive and put me on the spot a few times during the date asking how he was doing and how the date was going...guys, you just DON'T do this! So, luckily as I had only come out of hospital 3 days previous to this I managed to feign illness. He said that I didn't look well! So I was doing a dam good job! He was in the camp of too keen also. But luckily he didn't call me or text me again. This guy was far too in touch with his emotions and clearly wasn't over his ex. He was actually nearly crying when talking about what happened. He asked me what happened with Gom so that gave me the right to ask too didn't it? Freaky guy this one was. He was gorgeous, but not right in the head!

3) Jeremy

So, I decided to move on to a different dating site, after my horrible experience with 2 freaks I moved on and actually paid for the privilege of having freaks contact me instead! To be fair to this guy he did nothing wrong and he was really quite nice. We had our first date in the city centre and went to a few bars and then on to a club where we danced and acted like teenagers. I did like him and had a nice time with him. Only thing was he looked far too much like Gom and even kissed like him. I decided I would give him another go and decided to go on a second date with him. That also went ok. I got on well with him, yet I didn't find him attractive. After the second date he was talking about us doing all these things in the future and to be honest it scared me. I know I moan about being the one to do leg work but here we have another over keen guy. The last straw was when I agreed to go on a 3rd date (as I can't be nasty and tell them to their face that things aren't working) and he text me straight after the second date saying "I can't believe we have to wait until Friday to see each other". This was on the Monday and it was the straw that broke the camels back. I ignored him. I couldn't bring myself to tell him things weren't working out and so I just ignored his texts and calls until he got the message.

OK, I realise that from these 3 dates I sound like some cold heartless bitch. The reality is though I hate being mean. I am unable to say to people I don't like you, you are weird, we wont work etc etc etc. Generally, if I have been on a date with someone I know wont work I make my self to be the total opposite of what they want. If they never want to have kids...well I want 10 and be making a start as soon as possible and I am looking to find my life partner by joining internet dating, the opposite of that if they want kids soon. If they like one thing, I hate it and visa versa. My strategy in this is that I hope that they will not like me and wont want to see me again. However, this did not work with guy number 4!

4) Pete

Another one from the dating site. This time I adjusted my search to someone who was educated, someone who was the right age, someone who had similar interests to me, and had red hair! So the date with him. We met in a pub in the city centre and had a couple to drink in there. I knew things weren't going to work out so I made him sit outside with me while I smoked. This was in September, it had just stopped raining and was not very warm. He was in a t-shirt also. So, this is one of my ways to ensure that I never see someone again, along with making myself the opposite. The date went without any event and I saw it out til the end. I thought I had made it pretty clear that he wasn't what I was after. But the next day I get a message from him saying he thought we got on really well and could he see me again. Maybe, my method of how to lose a guy in one date doesn't work all that well after all. He was a nice guy, there was nothing about him other than his fidgeting and twitch that was annoying it was just that we didn't gel! I thought I can't be horrible to this guy by just ignoring him as he hadn't broken any of the cardinal rules of mine. So I had to compose a message to basically say I am not interested. I got help with this, from 2 girlfriends and half the blokes in the pub I was in. I let him down gently with a message along the lines of you're a really nice guy and all that shebang. I even got a message back from him saying while it was a shame thanking me for my honesty. So, the first one I actually felt bad for.

Maybe I should stick to my ignore if you don't like method.

So back to the guy on the scene at the moment. OK, I quite like him. I met him in the traditional way of being wasted and meeting him not inside a club but outside trying to get in. We were both trying to get in but the bouncers said it was too late and that we were both too drunk. So what do I do. I take him home. This is before I started DSHing again. I had previous scars which he did notice but I said I had drunkenly fallen over on a glass coffee table hence why my left arm and right leg are a mess. He believed me. I think most people would. Not many people come in to contact with self harmers. Where as for me if I see someone with scars I automatically think Self Harmer. This is as I have and do and because of where and what work I do. But I am under the impression that most people wouldn't think this.

If I have a one night stand I never expect anything from it. I don't expect to see the person again. But there was something about this guy that I liked and we have seen each other again a few times. I have not told him about the SH and also I have made sure we take things very slowly. So while he has been round to my house a few times I have made sure we just kissed at the end of the night and not done anything else. I apologised to him for sleeping with him as is not something I do. I don't make a habbit of it. It has happened a couple of times where I have met someone while drunk but it's not a regular occurance. I have not got lots of notches on the bed post. I am not that kind of girl. Quite frankly I find it quite slutty and associate that behaviour with chavs...I don't like chavs at all but that is another whole story and probably a blog in itself.

I have not got a name for him yet as can't think of a made up one that fits him well. But I have now decided I am not going to contact him again unless he makes contact with me. I am not going to be the one that makes all the effort. I don't mind making some. The thing is when we are together he is talking about things that we can do together or saying things like "we'll have to do..." not in the crazy over keen way. But I just don't know where I stand with this guy. Also, I don't think I want to be in a relationship at the moment. I need to get my self sorted in my head and get the DSHing under control and stop it. I need to find new coping mechanisms. The next guy I am with I want to be able to say a few months down the line that the scars are not from drunkly falling over but that I used to self harm but I don't anymore.

So that's that. That's how I Try to Lose a Guy in 1 Date!

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